Note: This volume has been edited beyond recognition.

Saturday April 12, 2003

Woke up. Drank coffee. Felt useless. I decided to depart for town rather than lapse in and out of a coma in my favorite chair. I did some work, but I really didn't accomplish that much. However, I do not regret making the trip. I did a decent workout at the gym. I really like the downtown location. Even though the main gym is in the basement, I'm comfortable there. I returned home late in the afternoon. Last night, I spent the whole evening with my iBook because I had to download the latest Mac OS X update. So far, everything is working fine. I also spent the evening listening to psychotic classical pieces, courtesy my Bose Acoustic Wave. I may do the same tonight.

There have been no clear skies in weeks. So, I have not been able to use my beloved Orion telescope. I am beginning to regret buying it. At the time, I did not know that I would be laid off from the Asylum. Once again, I made a foolish impulse purchase. When will I ever learn? Sheesh! The sinister kahuna continues to toy with the oversized cranium.

Sunday April 13

Woke up. Drank coffee. Lapsed in and out of a coma in my favorite chair. The Ninja Turds threw a blackeye in da game and came by earlier than usual. I quickly departed for the gym. Along the way, I saw the young ho' walking with her friend. The young ho' has gotten a little thick. When I returned home, I did my yardboy chores. What's up for the evening? Bose Acoustic Wave. Psychotic classical pieces. iBook. I have been removing a few unneeded applications on my iBook. With my continued financial problems, the iBook may be the last computer that I ever own.

I pondered the babe situation while I was walking to the gym. I laughed to myself because I thought about Pseudo-professor Robert's strategy to attract babes. He wants to create some kind of aura about himself that will be irresistible to babes. That's why he wants to become a DJ. He also wants to be a bass player in a band. Naturally, the babes will be all over him like a cheap suit. He is living in a dream world. Babes may ambiguously indicate some interest, but that's about as proactive as it gets. It is still up to the guy to take overt action. Hence, he and I are standing around and twiddling our thumbs. Sheesh!

In continuing my discussion of survival preparation, I cannot stress the importance of divesting useless crap. Expensive and useless electronic gadgets should be the first to go. There is absolutely no need for cell phones, Palm PDAs, digital cameras, or other such gadgets. The worst part is that they become outdated almost immediately. In addition, they require recharging or an endless supply of batteries. By the way, recharging batteries is not free. When society collapses, these gadgets will have limited utility. Their owners will be unable to cope without them. We must also become less dependent on electrical appliances and useless devices like the tube. What will people do when there is no electric power? Ultimately, we must reduce (or completely remove) our dependence on automobiles. There are many slobs who cannot physically walk beyond their garages. The automobile has also produced a kind of agoraphobia. Psychologically, walking as a form of transportation is completely alien to them. Why am I discussing this? To be forewarned is to be forearmed.

Monday April 14

My sinuses were congested for most of the day as a result of my fun with the WeedWhacker yesterday. At the Asylum, I confirmed that I will not be laid off for the Summer. I was in a bad way for most of the day. For some reason, I've been given the higher level computer and networking classes to facilitate. So, I spent some time trying to persuade students to not register for my classes. If the enrollment is low, my classes will be canceled. My favorite Asian babe was at the gym. Baby is rarely in the same section of the gym with the ol' lavahead. Out of sight, out of mind. I really need to spend more time with my beloved iBook. I downloaded the latest version of the Safari Web browser. It's pretty nice.

Well, Shrub and his cadavers are itching to invade Syria now. I wonder how these geriatric zombies can sleep well at night, unless they are indeed vampires. They must revel in Satanic rituals, because that is the only obvious reason for the endless orgies of genocide. The fact that most of these neocon warhawks already look embalmed explains their necromaniacal lust. Elected (and Supremo "appointed") officials in government no longer represent the will of the people. They do as they damned well please, and then they use the media whores to sell their policies to us after the fact. Start practicing the Goose Step, my friends. Democracy is history.

Tuesday April 15

Last night, moms told me that Turd Jr. "tried to kill himself with a knife" after the dolt file clerk spanked him. Moms was quite shaken by this odd situation. However, I am very skeptical about what happened. The Ninja Turds as a family unit are as dysfunctional as they come. The dolt file clerk has rarely disciplined the child. Naturally, attempting to apply discipline after a long bout of liberal parenting can have adverse effects. My guess is that Turd Jr. is just reacting in a way to attract attention and force his parents back to their old ways. The dolt file clerk's motives for sharing this incident with moms is highly suspect. Moms will continue to worry about the Turds, which is the desired result. The dolt file clerk wants the Turd household to move back into moms' house soon, no doubt to insure a smooth transition toward their "inheritance." Sooner or later, moms is going to give in, and she will become a slave in her own home again. This kind of conniving crap just makes me sick.

At the Asylum, I presented my awards at the awards assembly. Only four students out of the six showed up, including Tiara, Michelle, Rina, and Darryln. My spiel was short, but I stressed how these particular students "had the courage to stand up for what is right." Indeed they did, since they all wrote statements on my behalf for the Roach Inquisition. I had a small cheering section for my presentation. Then, when I was done, everyone left. Bug and Roach were present, and they were not happy. Who cares? I have received several e-mail from Claudia, the Diploma Mill student who had to leave Hawai'i hastily because of a BoyToy situation that went awry. The e-mail that I received today really touched my heart. I was really affected by it. My job is usually a thankless one, which has made me cynical over time. Claudia has thanked me profusely, but I didn't do much. Her kind words restored my sense of self-worth and made me feel alive again. Only Shirley and Alana had previously expressed similar gratitude. I will include the text of Claudia's last e-mail tomorrow.

We live in a pathetic world. I've said that time and time again. People around me are haughty, arrogant, rude, and belligerent. In addition, most people are just plain, damned stupid. I observe this phenomena everywhere I go. No says, "Thank you" or "Excuse me" anymore. No one is grateful for anything either. In fact, most people are upset because they don't have enough of anything. This what I must tolerate on a daily basis. Then, when I walk into the locker room at the gym, I have to listen to the talking heads on Fux News, the worst of which is that punk-ass O'Reilly. What is even more appalling is that every single one of those talking heads is lying through his teeth. And, it's the same depressing crap all the time — greed, hatred, and debauchery. And, it's always the other guy's fault. Can't these mealy-mouthed asswipes take some responsibility for the decay of society? I realized today that there is very little kindness left in society. That's why I was so moved by Claudia's e-mail. I am now coming to an understanding about the concerns which seem to precipitate the so-called "babe situation." In an impersonal and cruel world, we attempt to find refuge. A safe haven, if you will. A romantic relationship appears to fit the bill, or so the media stereotype wishes us to believe. However, from where do we cull our dating pool? From the same slimy mess we call society. Yep, the same haughty, arrogant, rude, and belligerent people that I mentioned at the onset. I realize the folly of my error now. I am seeking a kind and gentle society to reside in. However, the latter is more elusive than a good babe. Sheesh!

Wednesday April 16

Here's the e-mail from Claudia:

An uneventful day at the Asylum. A few people were still laughing about my presentation at the awards assembly yesterday. Kevin had called last night to see if I would join him and Stanford, a former Asylum student, for lunch today. Stanford is also retired military. Kevin has kept in touch with him in the hope of obtaining a Federal job. I declined to join them for lunch. I told Pseudo-professor Jim the story of my buddy Bud, quoting the now infamous advice about babes, "Stay away from them. They're all dangerous." He laughed. I did a short workout at the gym. My favorite Asian babe was there. As usual, she was looking mighty fine.

Thursday April 17

An uneventful day. After my class, I did a moderate workout at the gym. My favorite Asian babe was there, looking gorgeous as usual. During my cardio segment, I noticed that baby got on one of the Lifecycles at the other end of the cardio section. Usually, she sits on the Lifecycle right next to a concrete column, so I cannot see her from where I am. Today, she was up one row, so I could see her in plain view. After 20 minutes, she walked over to one of the treadmill machines. Her usual routine is to walk briskly for five minutes and run for five minutes, alternating for a length of time, and then walking for five minutes to cool down. She was still running when I finished my workout. I washed up and gathered my belongings, taking all of two minutes. When I walked out of the locker room, I was surprised to see baby right there on one of the abdominal stations. Obviously, she didn't bother to cool down. I then walked to the water fountain for a quick drink. Since I had to backtrack to the main aisle, I was able to check her out. She is such a hottie!

The babe situation is really getting out of hand. Why am I constantly trying to go against my buddy Bud's advice? Perhaps I need to see that new flick, "Bulletproof Monk," for inspiration. Sheesh! Don't these babes understand the effect that they have on guys? Can't they see that they drive guys nuts? Only now am I realizing that babes are extremely dangerous. So is my favorite Asian babe. That goes without saying. I can only assume that I am grasping at straws. After all, these are the Viagra Years!

I have been reviewing the huge mess that "we" created in Iraq. I am also contrasting what the media whores are saying with coverage in international and alternative news sources. What a difference! What is really happening is a nightmare. I am particularly shocked at what happened to the priceless archaeological archives. Everyone is so concerned about winning that life has really become a game. The war was a game. The only losers are the ones who really didn't want to play. They were forced to play. Being thousands of miles away in the comfort of our homes, we really don't seem to care. One day, the same will happen to us and the oppressors will show little mercy as well. What will we do then? In these times, feelings of hopelessness and despair can be overwhelming. That's probably why I have reverted back to the babe situation. It's a diversion from reality.

Friday April 18

I departed for town fairly early this morning. There were no classes at the Asylum because of the holiday. I spent my time at the faculty computer room at the Diploma Mill. I really wasn't doing much. Then, Pseudo-professor Mari stopped by to do some work before her class. At one point in the conversation, she mentioned that she thought Pseudo-professor Robert was married and had kids. "He looks like he's married," she said. "On the other hand, you look like you're single." At 1:10pm, I walked to the rest rooms.

After my class, I went to the gym. When I descended the staircase to the main gym, I saw my favorite Asian babe sitting on one of the Lifecycles. The Ambassador had draped himself over the adjacent Lifecycle and was talking with her. Did all of these geriatric studs take their Viagra today, or what? Baby's voice is fairly loud. I could hear her throughout the gym. It is as if she was trying to call attention to herself. I was happy to return home where I am safe and sound with my iBook and my Bose Acoustic Wave.

Saturday April 19

I woke up early and left at 7:15am for Kahala Mall on the bus. I had a dentist appointment to fill a cavity and replace an old filling. I walked to Barnes & Noble after that. I spent only a few minutes there. Nothing really interested me. I decided to go to town. When I arrived at the faculty computer room at the Diploma Mill, I found Pseudo-professor Robert sitting at one of the computers. I took the elevator upstairs to the Faculty Support Center to get a cup of coffee. I ran into Mary Ann in the hall. I was surprised to see her there. We talked for a few minutes. She mentioned that she heard from a few people at the Asylum that Roach is planning to resign. "I saw Roach the other day," she said. "He looks really old." He looks the same to me, but I see the fool every day. Perhaps the stress is getting to him. Maybe the loser will see what we've had to put up with. After Mary Ann and I parted company, I returned to the faculty computer room. Pseudo-professor Robert and I talked about the babe situation, as usual. I went to the gym earlier than usual. I returned home at 3pm after tolerating all of the psychos on the street bus. I discovered that the Ninja Turds had been by, only because there were ants everywhere. Turd Jr. loves to drop food all over the place.

What's up for the evening? iBook. Bose Acoustic Wave. Psychotic classical pieces. I am not in a good way. I have also been looking at my life. All I have to show for myself is the journal. My possessions could all disappear and I would not care. The journal is my only true creation. How pathetic is that? However, I have been able to chronicle the arduous path of monk. Both Pseudo-professor Robert and I want out of the single life, but that is clearly not going to happen. He blames this dilemma on his "condition." I do not see either of us ever breaking out of the ranks.

Sunday April 20

I may be moving closer to the edge of sanity. I have not slept well in days. My discussions with Pseudo-professor Robert revealed that he has been fixated on the issue of mortality. He mentioned that he told a thirty-something babe, "I stand between you and death." He regularly brings up his "limited time," and how he has not accomplished much nor has he achieved any wealth parity to others in our age group. The ticking clock is also the culprit in the infamous babe situation. I find that my thinking has been coincident with his, but I have kept my fears to myself. My sole outlet for these concerns has always been the journal. As I've mentioned before. I lead a parallel life with Pseudo-professor Robert. However, we are diametrically opposed in our coping strategies. Whereas he has spent nearly every dime he's made, I save all that I can by living a mendicant life-style. Whereas he has amassed numerous toys, I have divested most of my possessions and have instituted a moratorium on future purchases. Whereas he has been seeking out new activities, I have essentially become a hermit. What's the end result? It's the same for the both of us, except that he is heavily reliant on his medication.

An uneventful day. I lapsed into a coma in my favorite chair for three hours last night while listening to the psychotic classical pieces on public radio, courtesy my Bose Acoustic Wave. I came to at one o' clock. I did nothing today, with the exception of a quick jaunt to the gym. When I returned home, I unwrapped my Bose Acoustic Wave for another session of psychotic classical pieces. This is the extent of my activities. Pathetic, eh? Shirley called and left a message last night. She also sent e-mail to ask me to call her. I have yet to call her back.

Monday April 21

The Asylum is completely out of hand. I no longer enforce any rules or policies. At least half of the students have been absent for most of the term. It's hopeless. I will probably just pass everyone. Sheesh! Shirley sent me another e-mail. It read, "I can never get a hold of you, even through email. I'm starting to get a little perturbed. Anyway, if you ever want to talk, just call my cell phone." Do you see why I am better off a monk? I really despise talking on the phone. When I end up in my own place, I will not have a phone. Babes love the phone. Guys must call babes up on the phone. Remember when I described how upset Clare would get when she had to do the calling? Ho boy! I finally sent off a reply to Shirley. I may tell her about my recent foray into the vortex of stupidity.

Tuesday April 22

Pseudo-professor Jim is trying to Noriega the ol' lavahead! I neglected to mention that the putz had asked Pseudo-professor Dorothy to lunch about a month ago. I was surprised when I saw them leaving together. They are about the same age. She later told me that she was not impressed by him because he lives in a little studio and has no car. When she found out that he was a warhawk, that was it. So, what? Did he overdose on Viagra? His true colors as a blatant warhawk became obvious when he launched his version of the "Baghdad offensive" on me in the faculty computer room.

An uneventful day at the Asylum. I have been trying to persuade a few students to not not take the Operating Systems class from me. That way the class will be canceled. The reason? It is so lame that I will defer the explanation for later. At the Diploma Mill, I visited Pseudo-professor Dorothy between her classes. she disclosed more about her lunch date with the putz. "He's a know-it-all, and he's always wrong," she said. She had to retrieve something from the faculty computer room, so I joined her. We continued the discussion. His idol is the walking cadaver, Rumsfeld. Personally, I am more aligned with General Noriega. Sheesh!

My favorite Asian babe was at the gym. There was nothing unusual until the end. I was on one of the Transporter-like machines doing my cardio workout. Baby did a short cardio workout on one of the Lifecycles. Then, she walked into the aerobics room to do her stretches. No matter what machine I am on, I can always see her directly ahead. She coincidentally always places herself in the path of least visual obstruction. After I finished, I dismounted. As I walking back to the locker room, I thought to myself that baby would exit the aerobics room through the door nearest the men's locker room at the same moment that I get there. It was almost too perfectly timed. In fact, I even saw her pause at the door momentarily to insure proper synchronization. I left the gym and stood at the bus stop, which is in the center of the block along Bishop Street. Moments later, my favorite Asian babe exited the gym. She was wearing a black dress. She is such a hottie! She walked down her alternative path along King Street. I could see her looking for a clear moment in traffic to jaywalk across the street. When the light changed at the intersection, she crossed. While she was crossing the street, I saw her look over several times to where I was standing.

So, why am I wasting time transcribing these pathetic observations? I don't know. If I was a stud, I would snap into action. However, I am merely a scrawny loser with an oversized cranium. There is no way that babes like my favorite Asian babe could be interested. Just ask Chimpo. And, as you may recall, I have never asked a babe out on a date, nor have I really been on a date. How I actually hooked up with babes is clearly a mystery. Now you see why I am continually waffling on this matter. By the way, I have seen Joyce several times at the Diploma Mill in the past week. She has never spoken to me after her friend Geraldine allegedly "spilled the beans" (see this chapter), even though I have tried to be friendly to her. I have always thought that Geraldine was yanking my chain but, in retrospect, I believe that she told me the truth. Joyce is probably 21 years old now, and she's still a hottie. Since I am on a roll, I might as well continue with my confession. The hottest babe I have ever known was Clare, that is, if I went by attractiveness alone. She was 15 years younger than I when I met her. I have to admit, it really took some courage to ask me out of the clear blue sky to carpool with her to the gym. I didn't even know her. Later, she wanted me to move in with her. I have to be honest. I was really afraid of Clare. She was extremely dangerous to me at the time. However, in retrospect, she was a really nice babe, just very assertive. Of course, many people may wonder whether these babes are truly hotties. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I am not trying to be vain and just focus on looks. And, I am not trying to glean any kind of sympathy from anyone. I also don't particularly care to have anyone tell me that my imagination is running rampant. I just record what I observe. Isn't that the purpose of the journal?

So, what about the current situation? I have no idea. I have saved enough dough now that I could afford to purchase a decent home or condo here. That has always been a contingency, in case I inadvertently hook up with a babe. I have restructured my life to be convertible depending on the circumstance. That's the irony of the situation. The monk life-style has allowed for this flexibility.

Well, in reviewing the situation, there is no question that I was supposed to take some kind of action sometime in February. Instead, I waited for more positive "signs" and vacillated on what should be done. The Spring term at the Diploma Mill comes to an end in two weeks. Therefore, I have decided to institute a moratorium on the babe situation.

Wednesday April 23

When I descended the stairs at the gym, I saw that my favorite Asian babe was already there. I quickly changed and found myself stationed at the lat machine. A few minutes later, I saw baby walk to the cardio area. She hopped on one of the Lifecycles, so I knew that she was almost done with her workout. After ten minutes, she got off and walked down the main aisle. I thought she was heading to the locker rooms. She made an abrupt turn and, the next thing I knew, she was on the workout station right next to me. This is a clustered station, so she was essentially about two feet away. At one point, we both leaned forward at the same time to change weight settings. We were only inches away from each other. Ho boy! I finished my lat set and got up. Normally, I would move to another station facing away from baby. I decided to use the one right across from me. So, I was still two feet away from her. She is such a hottie! I really wanted to say to her, "Excuse me, but are you trying to make me lose my mind?" Sometimes I really want to lament at the Wailing Wall about the fact that I was born a loser. If only I could date babes like my favorite Asian babe, I say to myself. However, I am not one of the privileged. I am just a boy in the army. I can only assume that these are just more frivolous tests orchestrated by the sinister kahuna. When will I ever learn?

Thursday April 24

I neglected to mention that Caroll called in the morning yesterday and left a message. She is now in Sacramento. I spent the evening downloading the update to AppleWorks. Pretty sad, eh? Sometimes life is big joke to me. I don't take it as seriously as I should. If I did, then I would probably be on medication. I am not sure why I don't take the babe situation seriously. After all, I will most likely end up alone for the rest of my life. Babes like my favorite Asian babe don't come around often in life, if at all. Yet, I don't seem motivated to do much about this crisis. Remember what Anonder stated in "Vindication" (see October 20th in this chapter). My lot in life, I keep telling myself, is to remain a monk.

An uneventful day. I submitted a synopsis of my recent foolishness to the Daily Confession site. Let's see if it gets posted. I did not see any of my favorite babes today. What a relief. Since instituting the moratorium on the babe situation, I have been able to see that desperation has once again wielded its ugly head. I was not seeing my life objectively. Hence, I was quickly moving myself into a totally humiliating predicament. After consulting with Mr. Potato Head, I realized that my only chance for success with any babe is if, and only if, the latter makes all the moves. Everything else is destined to fail. I was grasping at straws to find a reason to believe. I would be better off exercising my faith in the Creator in the hope that I can achieve some kind of redemption for my stupidity. Furthermore, it is quite clear that I am very weak when it comes to babes. Fortunately, this weakness is limited to my imagination. I became a monk because I wanted to learn the principles of conviction and willpower through discipline. As always, the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. I was very fortunate that I came to my senses before tragedy struck.

Shirley sent e-mail. She mentioned that a journalist for one of the local newspapers was hitting on her. He was covering some of the basketball games. As you may recall, Shirley is on the coaching staff. The guy was in his mid-thirties and haole, so she was not interested. Her sister is trying to set her up with a guy as well. Everyone wants to hook up. I don't even understand why I fell into that trap again. There really are only a few of us in the forty-something age group who are still single. The guys whom I know are not functioning well at all. I don't even discuss this issue with moms. I will probably be quoted some Scripture about the virtue of remaining single. I can find such verses on my own. My family has never been a bastion of emotional support. In any case, the moratorium has set me free. Maybe I'll sleep better at night.

Friday April 25 - Roach Resigns

In an unbelievable turn of events, Roach submitted his resignation to the Asylum. Kevin told me about it this morning. He forwarded the e-mail from the Asylum. I did not receive the original copies. It was a small victory for Kevin and I, but we were not high-fiving or engaging in childish celebration. We both believe that Roach resigned to save face. The outcome of the investigation is still pending, although I am sure that he knows its content. The trouble is not over. Kevin and I will be ostracized by many of the Roach loyalists including Bug and several faculty members. The testimonies which Kevin and I provided will implicate many people. In the general scheme of things, what does this hollow victory mean?

When Kevin and I were discussing the situation at the Asylum, I also mentioned that I was troubled by what may be an untimely recurrence of "mid-life" crisis. He took the opportunity to preach to me about Buddhism, but I only politely listened. I am happy for him that it serves to bring him peace of mind. However, I cannot buy into a philosophy that bases itself on reincarnation and the concept of eternal karma. This is the only life that I want. I am not a stud, but I am happy with who I am and how I look. I wouldn't mind if I could eliminate some of the blemishes on the face of stone, though. I spent years acquiring wisdom and knowledge. I don't want to start all over again. Sometimes I cannot believe how much I value this life, even though there are doubters who would beg to differ. I have come to gradually understand what Frankl defined as the "meaning of life." True "meaning" is in real time. It is happening right now because this is the exact moment that we are living and existing. Only if we are deprived of our present enjoyment of life should we look at past memories or visions of a better future. In the last five years, the monk life-style served its purpose. However, its utility has waned. I have been trying to deny the fact that I presently have a powerful need to mate. The biology is overriding everything else. Mind over matter is no longer working. I am using almost every ounce of energy that I can muster up just to keep myself in check.

I don't fathom the idea of dating, no less the idea of casual dating. It gives me the willies. I have always had a difficult time with babes. I remember when I returned home after going to the gym with Clare and told Skip, one of my suitemates:

"I am going to have to disassociate from her. She's a loose cannon," I said.

"What? Loose cannon? Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaaa!" He then listed everything that I had allegedly put Clare through.

I always seem to do the exact opposite of what the babes want (e.g., if they want me to call them up, I don't call, etc.). In my mind, I was beating them to the punch. In some repects, I can be likened to a jerk. However, I have been subjected many times to the wily ways of the babes. Most guys know that they must tolerate this nonsense, or no wild thing. It's easy to see why I became a monk. Guys have to honest, though. Everything that we do has to do with babes. Why else am I working out at the gym? I have been trying to maintain my pathetic physique so that I can look years younger than I really am. So pathetic. Why can't I just find a decent babe who doesn't want to play mind games with me? I want to settle down and move into the next phase of my life already. Sheesh!

To be continued ... Go to D.07