Note: This volume has been edited beyond recognition.

Monday July 14, 2003

From what I can tell, something has changed dramatically since the night at the Mai Tai Bar on the 4th of July. Our interactions degenerated completely within one week. Shirley said that she has not observed anything, whereas Pseudo-professor John made a few observations and noted them in e-mail.

Yesterday, I saw the handmaiden at the gym. She said that she wants us to do lunch sometime. I was okay with that. When I returned home, I was much more calm. There is nothing that I can at this point in time. Shirley called to see if I was okay. She was on her way to Ramona's place, so I did not get to chat very long. I will send her e-mail to apologize for my impetuousness today. We can only hope that things somehow work out.

Tuesday July 15

I ended up talking for quite a while with Pseudo-professor John last night. We discussed the on-going situation with the group. I told him that I do not plan to disband the group. I also mentioned this in my e-mail to Shirley. After the call, I checked my e-mail. At the Diploma Mill, I talked with Brad and Odessa, the students who joined us on Friday night. They said they had a lot of fun.

Wednesday July 16

I called Shirley. She was surprised. She said that she would take me out to dinner on Saturday night. What a great friend! I talked with Pseudo-professor John after his class. I went to the gym and did my usual workout. I felt a tinge of depression because I felt so desolate. Will I ever find a babe? I don't have much time left. I suppose that my life is now complete. Yeah, complete but so empty.

Thursday July 17

Let me catch up on a few tidbits. On Tuesday night, I chatted with Shirley on the phone. I also chatted with Pseudo-professor John. We had a long discussion about the situation, as it applied to us. Last night, Pseudo-professor John gave me a ride home. We sat in the former "warehouse" and chatted for a long time.

Friday July 18

An uneventful day. Pseudo-professor John gave me a ride home. He was much quieter than usual, so I knew that he was not happy about something. I suspect that the root issue was the babe situation. I had to quickly depart for town. I called Pseudo-professor Robert before I left. He called me along the way. We were to meet at Starbuck's at 7pm. I arrived first. he arrived a few minutes later. Pseudo-professor John called and said that he would be coming by an hour later. So, I chatted with Pseudo-professor Robert for a few minutes. Then, we walked to Dave & Buster's. We spent almost an hour looking for my students. Pseudo-professor Robert was hungry, so he went to Wolfgang Puck's to get a bite to eat. I looked around for a little longer. Then, I decided to go outside and look for anyone. As I walked down the stairs, I saw Odessa standing at the bottom. Apparently, everyone was spread out and that's why she was there waiting to find me. Brad and his friends were at the Gaucho Grill. Pseudo-professor Robert then called to tell me that Pseudo-professor John was there with him. We walked to the Gaucho Grill and ended up there for an hour. Odessa called her babe friends as well and they also came by. After dinner, we walked back to Dave & Buster's. Instead of spending the night in the game room, we sent up to the Starlight Bar, which is on the roof. There was a band playing. I can only say that we had a great time. I was somewhat hammered. I left at midnight.

Pseudo-professor John also sent e-mail. He wants to drop out of the group because he feels that he doesn't fit in. In addition, I believe that he is depressed over Shirley. He wanted to know if Shirley would ever go out with him. Shirley has wanted me to tell him the truth. So, I did. He's not been the same since then. The group is slowly disintegrating.

Saturday July 19

Pseudo-professors Robert and John, as well as myself, have a long journey ahead of us. They have given me accolades for organizing the group activities. In some respects, I have become a legend amongst the losers. I have taken positive action that I thought would improve my life and the lives of others around me. I wanted this project to germinate into a wondrous social enterprise. Now, I find that the weak ones are falling back to their old ways. And, I am merely propping up a house of cards. I also failed miserably as a social manager because I gave in to my own desires. I have also been losing control of my senses by delving to deeply into the crap that's been going on. I have no answers and I won't be given any answers.

Even though I was not doing too well this morning, I left for town at 10am to do some work. I ended up talking with Pseudo-professor John on the phone for over an hour. Shirley called later in the afternoon.

Shirley came by at 6:30pm. We drove to Ala Moana and had dinner at California Pizza Kitchen. We talked about all kinds of nonsense. We finished dinner at 9pm, just in time to walk across the way to the Mai Tai Bar. Everyone filtered in at different times. Pseudo-professors Robert and John and I were left to fend for ourselves. I was pretty much hammered by the end of the night. We left around midnight.

Sunday July 20

I chatted with Pseudo-professor John. He has decided that he will no longer attend activities that involve a large number of people or are held at bars. The group is beginning to disintegrate. I presented my thesis to him as well. He said that he would drop by later in the afternoon. After the conversation, I took my usual hike up Koko Head. Shirley called when I was halfway up. I asked her why I am so repulsive. "You're a stud," she told me. She also suggested that I locate another stud to serve as a "wingman" so that I can start mackin' on the babes. Sheesh! I also had a chance to think about this situation. To tell you the truth, the whole thing is starting to drive me berserk. I also went to the gym. Later in the afternoon, Pseudo-professor John stopped by. We discussed the group's situation in further detail. As always, we did not reach an agreement. I am promoting more aggressive measures that need to be taken, but it seems almost impossible for our cast of low self-esteem characters.

The Sum of All Fears

I can't help but feel that I am totally responsible for this mess. Shirley is leaving for Colorado for two weeks, so we may have a reprieve. I believe that all of the activities will be canceled, which is probably what we need in order to let the dust settle. I am not even certain about how we got here. I can't even say if anything can be fixed anymore. In fact, I will venture to say that the damage is beyond repair. What is even more disconcerting is that I am running out of time. The Big Five-O is coming. I have to find a babe soon. The stupid part is that I will not compromise on finding a young hottie. This is obviously the root of my problem, and it is essentially a make-or-break situation in which the odds are stacked against me. The problems that we encountered as a group represent a subset of the real world. Exactly how we will address these issues will eventually determine whether the outcome is successful. It is going to be a painful process. Where are we going to find these single babes? How much humiliation can we tolerate? Can we even get a single date? I am going to propose to my brethren that we employ much more aggressive measures in the search and mackin' process. In addition, we must resist the tendency to put all of our eggs in one basket. And, we must pursue a more aggressive marketing campaign in order to increase our desirability. We can still accomplish these tasks in a group context, but it requires complete cooperation. We have to jettison the dead weight.

In all honesty, I don't think that anyone or anything can help us. We can't even help ourselves. This current fiasco is proof. The whole dating process has become so complicated. Everything is complicated. My brethren can't even handle the dynamics of the group. How can they survive the vigor of the dating game? I am already at wit's end because I have determined that life is just not going to be worth living while alone. I am not going to end up like Pseudo-professors Paul and Jim. That does not leave me with many options. So, what do we do? We're back at Square Zero again. I have to make a variety of decisions. Should I keep the group going? Should I launch the babes?

Monday July 21

Shirley dropped by my class at the Asylum at about noon. We walked to the Diploma Mill first so I could drop my stuff off. Then, we went to Taco Bell for lunch.

Tuesday July 22

Shirley stopped by the Asylum this morning. We ended up at Jamba Juice. I bid her farewell because she will be leaving for two weeks. I told her that everything will be same when she gets back. "You never know," she said. "Something great might happen." My class was a riot today because I told them the latest details of my pathetic life. Brad and Odessa are planning another outing. Odessa talked about Gigi, the babe who was at the outing last Friday. She was the one who was supposed to be set up on a blind date. Odessa made a few comments hinting that Gigi was interested in the ol' lavahead.

Pseudo-professor John and I exchanged e-mail for most of the day. We were discussing the usual nonsense. Later, I saw Pseudo-professor Robert. We also had a discussion about the babe situation. My brethren have resigned themselves to the loser life. I listened to the same rationalizations which have kept them in stasis for years. I constantly plead with them to take action because I can no longer hold the group activities together. Once the group disbands, our social life disappears.

Wednesday July 23

I am planning a big bash for Labor Day. I want to rent a bungalow at the Turtle Bay Resort. We'll check in and lounge around. Then, I will take everyone to dinner. After dinner, we will party at the bungalow. Perhaps Shirley can borrow Ramona's karaoke gear. Then, we'll take our little party to the beach, where we will walk on the sand and sip fine wine. After that, we can go dancing. It will be the most memorable moment of the Summer and a good ending for the group. I've actually learned all of this from my buddy Romero in Convalescent City. He was solely responsible for the many fine times that we had including the infamous Monday Night in Santa Monica. Whenever we get together, we always bring that night up. That's the way I want our night to be. When we say our good-byes, there will be no regrets and no hard feelings.

Thursday July 24

Yesterday, at the gym, I happened to undress in front of a mirror. As I took my shirt off, I noticed that I looked different. I have acquired a tan since I've been going hiking up Koko Head regularly. I also noticed that my diligent workouts have been paying off. Please do not mistake my comments for conceit or arrogance. I have the physique of a guy in his twenties. In actuality, this is the best shape I have ever been. I have even lost the rather small "spare tire." Overall, I am told that I look as though I am in my early thirties. Some people guess as high as the late thirties. I only bring this up because many people have been trying to tell me to look for a babe in my age group or one in my "league." I have never noticed any babes in my age group even glance in my direction. Now, here is where some may wonder whether I have lost it or not. I have noticed much younger babes seemingly checking out the ol' lavahead. It is fairly obvious. Of course, it could be because I am so hideous so as to invoke freak curiosity. However, I am trying to not believe that I am repulsive anymore.

At the Asylum, the new Dean is beginning to push his luck. I have been given many tasks that are technically not my responsibility until September. Brad, my student at the Diploma Mill said that his group is planning to get together at the Shorebird on Friday night, so I will join them. As you can see, the situation with our regular Summer activities group is totally out of hand.

Friday July 25

An uneventful day. I sent an invitation to everyone to join us at the Shorebird in the Outrigger Reef Hotel. Pseudo-professor Robert and I arrived before everyone else. Brad and his group arrived a few minutes later. That's when the drinking began. Pseudo-professor John came by later. We had a great time. We ended up at a karaoke joint in the Miramar Hotel just a few blocks away. I left shortly afterward.

Shirley attempted to call last night, but I missed her call. She left a message saying that she is staying in an area with fringe cell coverage. So, she is only able to call when she is in more populated areas. My students at the Asylum want to take me clubbing sometime. Pseudo-professor Tony mentioned that he wanted to do something with our group next week when his wife is out of town.

I am gradually beginning to see that our situation is not going to improve without significant effort. However, none of us knows where to direct that effort. I already foresee that my social life will go back to where it was before the Summer. I will be a monk without having to call myself that. Again, I have a great desire to divest all of my worldly possessions. I am not even sure if I can quell the anxiety that has been building up. At times, I feel truly desperate. At other times, I feel the same despair that has launched my brethren into a state of hopelessness. As the accumulation of money becomes less and less important to me, I look toward higher level needs (as per Maslow). Indeed, this is an issue because I am approaching the end of my greatest accomplishment so far (i.e., my five-year financial plan). With that goal completed, I have no new challenges. I have yet to formally state a plan to address the babe situation. I'm not even sure if that's even possible.

Saturday July 26

I have absolutely nothing to do today. I will probably be going berserk by mid-afternoon when the Ninja Turds are due to arrive. I have been experiencing frequent anxiety attacks, and I know that it is not going to end. I went to the gym and did my usual workout. When I returned home, I noticed that Turds had not come by. They actually came by while I was having dinner. I lost my appetite. After dinner, I drove to Barnes & Noble in Kahala Mall. I spent most of my evening listening to music. I also walked over to Tower Records. I listened to nothing but dance music. I then realized that I want to go out dancing. This is the first time in my life that I have the urge to do so. After all, how long will it be before I no longer have any motor control? I will see if the babes want to go out dancing. Pseudo-professor John has already expressed that he will not be participating. Do you see why we can't get babes?

Sunday July 27

Shirley called twice yesterday. I was on my way to Barnes & Noble when she called the second time. I had to pull into a parking lot and park in order to carry on a conversation. I sat on the front bumper of my six-four. Shirley's group will be in Denver today. They are having a great time. I told her that I was happy to hear from her. Actually, I felt much better after her call. Prior to that, I was losing my mind because I had nothing to do and no one to do anything with.

I hiked up Koko Head again for both exercise and my new superficial goal of remaining tanned. Then, I walked to the gym to do my cardio workout. Later, I walked back to the park. I just cannot seem to stay inside anymore. My life has become just too precious to waste away in my favorite chair. Of course, the real issue is far from being solved. Tonight, I am listening to my new CD called "American Anthems," a compilation of House tracks. This is where my life is going. Nothing is making any sense anymore. I am constantly fatigued from the weekend partying. Work is losing all meaning. Money is almost a joke to me. By the way, here is the latest on my net worth.

I am not sure why I even keep the journal going. It's as if everything came apart at the seams once I decided to forsake the monk life-style. All I think about is the babe situation. The same goes for my brethren. Pseudo-professor Robert does alright in his lucid moments. He's jovial and gregarious. Pseudo-professor John, on the other hand, has me concerned. He has admitted to me that he has never had a babe. At age thirty-five, he has never touched or kissed a babe. He's a vigin by default. He finds da wild thing disgusting. He has a group of friends, all single guys in the same age group. All of them want babes, but none of them have the foggiest idea about how to find them. I've been chatting with Pseudo-professor John almost every night on the phone. Each conversation reveals even more eccentricities. Pseudo-professor Robert has admitted to being a few relationships, but there is something that makes me very doubtful of this. Why doesn't he know any babes? It is as if everyone is waiting for me to recruit the babes. Then, we can't entertain the babes in ways to keep them around. Even I can't seem to keep it together.

To be continued ... Go to D.14