Note: This volume has been edited beyond recognition.

Monday September 1, 2003

Tuesday September 2

My bro spent most of last night giving me tips on how to mack on babes. He also said that he does not want to move back into moms' house. The bus strike is still going. I have driving to Ala Moana and taking the free City shuttle to town. So far, it's working well. Today, I took Shirley and Shorty out to lunch for saving the night on Sunday. Shorty wanted to go to the Curry House. We went to the one in Ala Moana. Shorty leaves tomorrow for the mainland.

Wednesday September 3

I walked to the gym in Koko Marina to do my workout. Then, I was off to the salt mines. It was essentially an uneventful day. This was the first day for my classes at the Diploma Mill. When I finally returned home, I hiked up Koko Head.

Thursday September 4

I ended up in the faculty computer room in the Diploma Mill. It was a non-stop social hour with Pseudo-professors Ralph, Dorothy, and Robert making an appearance. Shirley even came by. Today, everyone was trying to persuade me that I should not be pursuing young hotties. It was almost too comical. Shirley has been bringing this matter up regularly. She also believes that I want to settle down and get married, which is something most young babes don't want. I told her that I have revised my objectives. Serial monogamy is all that I can ask for. I was adamantly opposed to such an arrangement before, but I have now changed my mind. With the divorce rate over 50 percent, I'd be a fool to expect otherwise.

Friday September 5

An uneventful day. I am seeing a far greater problem here than the babe situation. I have suffered from this problem before. What am I talking about? Social addiction. This affliction is causing me a lot of anxiety. I have noticed that my level of anxiety increases as the work week draws to a close. If it were not for Brad calling at 2pm today, I am not sure what my mental state would have been like at the end of the evening. He suggested Comedy Night at Dave & Buster's. I called around, but no one in our group was interested. Shirley already had plans for dinner with Ramona.

Comedy night was actually a lot of fun. I'm glad that I went. I just like to be out and about with people. I have decided that I will no longer call around to people who have consistently declined to join any of the activities. It wastes my time and my cell phone minutes. No one in our group really seems to care about whether we continue on or not. In the end, I will probably just return to the monk lifestyle once I burn out from all of the activities.

Saturday September 6

The bus strike has been causing me extreme duress. So far, I have had to adjust my schedule to fit in with the City shuttle times. Next week, the new term at the Asylum commences. This will cause further mental duress. I have already investigated the psychological services rider of my health plan. At the rate I am going, I will have to take advantage of it very soon. I find that I constantly think about Anonder's position in life, and I see how similar I am to him. I, perhaps, have more in common with him than with anyone else whom I know and deal with. The only real difference is that he has control over his desire for babes. He has control over his libido. Otherwise, he is a social outcast of sorts. I am the same way, but I've been too stupid to realize that I no longer have much in common with everyday folk. The few people whom I relate to (like Caroll and former Professor Lisa) have become much more spiritual, seeking out religion as the focal point in their lives. Anonder has become quite spiritual himself, but not through a religious path. However, only Anonder has the resources and is daring enough to push the envelope.

Sunday September 7

I went to the gym and also hiked up Koko Head again. I decided to call The Master this week. We chatted for well over an hour. Sad to say, nothing has changed. He's still in Convalescent City. In fact, our conversation was no different from the one we had over five years ago. We had a long discussion about the babe situation. I have learned that The Master has now fully accepted the fact that he will be single for the rest of his life. As always, he was completely calm. That's scary.

I am becoming more disturbed by the day by more and more examples of resignation and acceptance. And, to add insult to injury, there is now a whole ministry of people who preach this garbage. So, I should just accept what is deemed acceptable for me by society? I only have one life to live, for goodness sakes. What am I supposed to do? I am not only discussing the babe situation, I am discussing life in general. It's all coming back to the theme of the monk years. Yep, it's the Meaning of Life all over again. I need purpose. I need to find meaning.

Monday September 8

The first day of the new term at the Asylum. I had only one class to facilitate, since I am the so-called Technology Curriculum Coordinator. However, there are no current projects. So. I had nothing to do. Shirley stopped by while I was talking to Kevin. Apparently, she had gotten out of class early at the Diploma Mill. We ended up going to Jamba Juice. After she went to her next class, I went to the gym. I did my weight workout. Then, I had to facilitate my classes. I left on the shuttle back to Ala Moana. Then, I drove back to Hawai'i Kai. I decided to go to the gym there and do my cardio workout. I saw the handmaiden on one of the Transporter-like machines. I ended up on the machine next to her. We chatted for about an hour. She wants us to do lunch on Monday. I also noticed that my favorite Asian babe was there. She recognized me, but she was aloof as usual.

Vanessa called during my break between classes. She was distraught because she had just quit her job. I told her that I would call her later in the evening. After dinner, I called her. We chatted for about 30 minutes. I tried my best to help her out of a depressing situation. Finally, I've updated my net worth page. Yes, I've finally made my goal. Wheee!

Tuesday September 9

I discovered that the City shuttle from Ala Moana to downtown commences at 7am, so I was able to make it to the Asylum on time. I am very perturbed with the morons at the Asylum. No one, except the new Dean, was willing to help me out. One day, these asswipes will need a favor from me. I'll help them out. I'm going to kick 'em in the ass. In the past few weeks, Shirley has been very disgusted. I am not even certain why it has come to this. My only guess is that I have become like any other guy to her. "All you think about is sex," she said. "That's all men think about." I am now a "pig."

For Shirley and I, there have been many changes in our friendship. We have gotten to know more truths about each other, and that may be causing some disillusionment. We were discussing drugs yesterday at Jamba Juice, and I had admitted to doing cocaine amongst other things. That did not appear to sit well with her. I, too, have made some interesting discoveries including the fact that she's bought into a lot of the male-bashing credo and stereotypes. The notion of men's so-called obsession with da wild thing is one subject that brought about a cathartic reaction. She expressed a sense of duty to submit to da wild thing just to please her partner, even if she may not be in the mood. And, she believes that it's okay to feign sleep in order to avoid da wild thing. The guy can go to the bathroom and "relieve himself," I was told. As much as I love da wild thing, I have never coerced a babe to do the nasty just to satisfy me. For some strange reason, the babes I've been with seem to have enjoyed da wild thing even more than I. And, the truth of the matter is that I do not think about da wild thing all day long. If and when I am in a relationship, then da wild thing becomes somewhat important. It's a shared experience and the pinnacle of physical intimacy. I have never looked upon da wild thing as something for me to just "drop my rocks." If I want a solitary experience, then I can choke da chicken as Anonder has suggested.

Wednesday September 10

I neglected to mention the rest of my mundane day yesterday. I went to the gym as usual. Glen was there. This was the first time I've seen him in two weeks. We ended up at Jamba Juice after our workout. On my way home, I stopped of at the Hawai'i Kai gym and did more cardio. Shirley called last night. We are supposed to go out and celebrate the end of my five-year financial plan. However, what is there really to celebrate?

This was an odd day, to say the least. Pseudo-professor Robert was in the faculty computer room at the Diploma Mill when I arrived. I walked over to Taco Bell with him and drank a soft drink while he ate lunch. He mentioned that one his babe students may be coming on to him. The term at the military satellite campus is coming to an end this week, so I told him to get her digits. She will be a former student by then. I also chatted with Professor Marv. I commented about all of the new babes. He agreed. Then, he told me about another campus he worked at. Apparently, a lot of faculty were fraternizing with the babe students. "The Dean told me not to make things obvious if that happens, like walking around campus holding hands," he said. "Turns out, he was dating a student." Okay, now comes the strange part. Ever since the first day of the term, one of my babe students has stood out. She mentioned that she is an Apple user in her introduction to the class. I had previously told the class that I switched to a Mac just before the "Switchers" campaign. I've also noticed that she always laughs at my pathetic jokes. After class, she came twice up to ask me about the City shuttle, since I had mentioned it in one of my comedy routines. Today, I noticed that she was checking my faculty profile on the Web. No one else did that even though I mentioned it. Then, she conspicuously stayed after class. She started off by talking about how her first computer was an Apple IIe. We chatted for about 15 minutes. I came to learn about how she ended up in Hawai'i. She was apparently on a class trip from a university in North Carolina. The class went to Mau'i. She said that she did not particularly like it there, but she liked Hawai'i. On the layover in Honolulu, she called her parents to say that she was staying. They persuaded her to go back to the mainland for a little while, but she finally returned. She is living in Kailua and she works as a waitress. She is a hottie. And, what's even more unnerving is that she is so nice. Genuinely nice.

Well, I've been advocating that "desperate times call for desperate measures" to a few of my colleagues. Pseudo-professor Robert is now ready to cross the line. So, what about the ol' lavahead? I've recruited a few students into the group. Perhaps I can do that again. Anything beyond that would be foolish. However, I can just imagine what this will do to the group dynamics. Yet, what other choice do I have? This is the Year of Living Dangerously!

Thursday September 11

Shirley called last night. She wanted to know my decision about Friday night. Little wonder why. Shirley has also been discussing "cute guys" a lot more. I surmise that she's ready to hook up.

The Dean at the Asylum has now changed my status to a salaried position. I am officially part of the administration, although I will still facilitate three classes per term. I get additional benefits with the position, and I get another pay raise. Looks like it's about $6,000 more per year. I was actually not too excited about all of this. Money is not a big issue with me these days, and the taxes are going to kill me. I have to admit, though, I am going to be able to do well for myself from this point forward. However, I am either going to have to buy a place or invest in a 401(k) plan real soon.

So, I have been blessed with moderate financial success, although I do not care much about money. All I could say all day long was, "This is fucking unbelievable." Yet, when it comes to babes, I have been denied. I can afford to buy almost anything that I want, but I don't want anything. What I want, I can't have. This is the irony of life, my friends.

Friday September 12

The two marketing people at the Asylum were laid off. It came as quite a surprise considering that I was just moved up the ladder. My guess is that I should make good use of this position for two years, if possible, and then see if I can find a similar position at another institution. I saw the handmaiden at the gym in Hawai'i Kai this afternoon. We are still on for lunch on Monday.

Shirley and I ate dinner at Assagio's in Ala Moana to celebrate the official end of my five-year financial plan. Dinner was quite good. Shirley and I had a few glasses of wine. Then, we walked upstairs to the Mai Tai Bar. The place was packed, so we ended up at Bubba Gump's. A guy came in and sat at the bar next to us. He was celebrating his B-day alone apparently. He chatted with us and also bought a round for us.

Shirley called Pseudo-professor John after we were finished with our drinks. He had called Shirley earlier to see if the group was doing anything. Shirley wanted me to drive her car since she was a little buzzed. We picked up Pseudo-professor John at his place. Then, we drove to Kane'ohe. Shirley want to go to a karaoke joint there. We found that it was closed, so we had to drive back into town. We ended up at the same karaoke place as last time. Pseudo-professor John sang a couple of songs. So, we were out fairly late. And, it was a fun time. However, life remains quite empty for me.

Saturday September 13

I went for my morning hike up Koko Head. Later, I went to the gym. I was in a bad way for most of the day because of sleep deprivation. I could not stay at home this evening, so I went to Barnes & Noble. Pseudo-professor John called while I there. He wanted to see a movie tonight. I walked down to the theaters in the main mall. I called him back to let him know the times. He came by at about 9:30pm, but we ended up looking at books all evening. I found a book by Barbara Feldon titled, "Living Alone and Loving Every Minute of It." Some may remember her as Agent 99 in Get Smart. The book was rather brief, but it sure opened my eyes. I pretty much read the whole book. I am now trying to digest the information. Pseudo-professor John and I walked across the street to Zippy's. We ate a late night snack and talked about the usual nonsense. All in all, a good evening.

Sunday September 14

Last night, Pseudo-professor John and I discussed the babe situation again. Primarily, we talked about the FriendZone^tm and game playing. Later, I had a chance to reflect on the book I was perusing last night. For the most part, Feldon is recommending acceptance as a means of coping. It makes sense to a point because the latter may be the only option in the end. The strategies outlined, while good, are really designed to jump up a tier in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. The rationale is that the pursuit of more "self-actualized" activities will open up opportunities in the skipped tier. Thus, it requires a tremendous sense of discipline to jump a tier that we are accustomed to believing is prerequisite to higher needs. Nonetheless, I must entertain those strategies because I am running out of time. Acceptance or resignation will no longer be a choice.

Another issue that has now surfaced is my situation at home. I have completed mt five-year financial plan, and I now make more dough than I know what to do with. I am wondering whether I should move out and find my own place. Obviously, it makes no sense to do so, since I will only increase my expenses. The only reason I would need to move out is to prove to the babes that I am not a true loser. As always, it comes down to the issue of babes. Sheesh! I went for a hike up Koko Head again. Then, I went to the gym. I thought that no one would call me on my beloved cell phone today but, as usual, I ended up spending several hours chatting. Caroll called. I was happy that she did because the discussion was therapeutic. just like the old days. I also chatted with Shirley and Pseudo-professor John. Caroll also called after dinner. We chatted for another hour. I walked around the 'hood while we talked, which makes conversing even more enjoyable. Alas, what would I do without my cell phone?

Monday September 15

My life is becoming surreal again. I find myself speaking my thoughts so I can hear them, just like a psycho. I am constantly reviewing my present situation. Without a doubt, I have suddenly done well for myself. My savings goal is complete. And, I now make 44 AWUs annually. I have so much to be thankful for, yet I am not completely grateful. I have been greatly rewarded for my patience and perseverance, yet I long for what I cannot have. So much has become irrelevant. With each passing day, I grow older. My anxiety increases as I continue my final approach toward the Big Five-O. I am no longer certain of anything except for my mortality. Eight years ago when I founded LoserNet, I was a completely lost soul. My future was uncertain. I was broke and in debt. I have made a complete turnaround in the last five years. Yet, one aspect of my life remains unfulfilled. And, I have no idea of what to do about it.

When I received my paycheck at the Asylum, I noticed that my new salary was effective from the first of the month. Later, I met the handmaiden for lunch. I was actually in a bad way because of my "mid-life crisis," so I was not really good company. She took it well. And, in actuality, she helped me to understand more about myself during this confusing time. "You have a major conflict with yourself," she said. "You believe that you don't need anything, but you know that you need companionship. You're trying hard to tell yourself that you don't need that either." However, I seriously pondered her statement. Do I really need companionship, specifically a babe? At certain points in the conversation, the handmaiden revealed her true vain self again. That's the way she has always been. Why did I ever hook up with her? It's really plain and clear that we were simply "fuck buddies." Nothing more, nothing less. It's sad that I cannot say anything better about our past. I am not sure why I even persist in knowing any babes. They only cause me grief.

I am not going to return to the monk life-style per se, but I am going to embark on a new adventure. In other words, I am not going into seclusion. And, I am not giving up my beloved cell phone. I am, however, going to forget about the babe situation. There is no babe for me. I am destined be a loner, just like Anonder. Is that really bad? I've looked at the people around me, and I would not trade places with any of them. Yes, I would prefer my own pathetic lonely existence. So, what's the new adventure? I'm not sure yet. I must first divest myself of all my useless possessions. They must all go! Then, I must clear my mind of this useless garbage about babes. Sheesh!

Tuesday September 16

Shirley called last night. We chatted for over two hours, mostly about finding a topic for her research paper. This morning, I was told by Vivian, the human resources person at the Asylum, that Kevin and I were being set up. She said that Roxanne, the Director of Financial Aid, had brought up our names in a meeting earlier. The fat hog claimed that we had spread rumors about the recent layoffs. Then, Vivian said that Roach has been seen visiting the ugly hog's office regularly. It becomes obvious that Roach continues to maintain allies at the Asylum. Shirley called later in the afternoon. We chatted for about 30 minutes. If it weren't for Shirley, I wouldn't need a cell phone.

With my new stance on the babe situation, I have traversed into a zone of confusion and bewilderment. My anxieties have diminished considerably, although there are still a few residual panic attacks. Underlying all of this is the fact that this may be my final decision by default. If I decide to check out again, there will be no turning back. We're at the "Point of No Return." Naturally, this is a scary concept. Let's face it. I have no choice anymore. If I continue on my present route, I am going to lose my mind. It's better to be safe than sorry.

Wednesday September 17

Shirley called at about 10pm last night. We chatted for about 30 minutes about the usual nonsense. The bus strike is still going, and I am getting more perturbed by the day. At the Asylum, I have been chatting with the other curriculum coordinator, and I discovered that he was a real monk. This could very well be an omen about my own future. Shirley and I had lunch at Taco Bell. We sat around and chatted for over an hour. Odessa called. She wanted to know if my group would be going to Mystery Dinner Theater at Dave & Buster's. Otherwise, she proposed an alternative activity. No one in the group responded to the e-mail I had sent out, so I assume that no one is going. I have decided that I will no longer actively push people to do anything. I don't want to hear people complaining about how they don't want to be there.

I no longer have any idea what is going on. None of my decisions are making sense, mainly because I am on automatic pilot. I gave up steering the ship a few days ago. Everything else has been put on hold. I continue to got through the motions of being a pseudo-professor, and then I collect my paycheck. Nothing more, nothing less. My senses are numb. I have no feeling. And, frankly, I just don't care anymore. I am too fatigued to know better.

Thursday September 18

Shirley called last night. She needed some help with Pseudo-professor Ralph's homework assignment. I was also perusing the AskMen forums, like I usually do. However, this time I realized the sheer stupidity of the babe situation. How many other idiots are there out there? Why are we all putting ourselves through this mental hell? There's just no other choice but to mummify the whole situation. And, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

I had recurring bouts of anxiety attacks all day long. I had no choice but to get a monk haircut. I'm not a monk, but that the only name I have for that particular haircut. The Diploma Mill is now trying to screw mw out of classes for the Spring term. It's as if all of these asswipes decide to take turns giving me grief. The bus strike is going to go to the end of the year, from what I've been hearing. This fiasco of driving to Ala Moana and then catching the City shuttle has grown really old. I chatted briefly with Pseudo-professor Robert. He was lucid today. I asked him about the babe situation. He seemed to be more resigned to accept his lot in life. Yet, he was perusing the Match.com site as we spoke. I talked with both Odessa and Brad this afternoon. We are on for the Mystery Dinner Theater this Saturday. There will be 15 people going with only myself from my group.

At this time, I can offer no explanation for my actions. I have put all further decisions on hold, giving preference to the status quo. I know exactly why I am in this position now, and I have no qualms about what I am doing. I am very close to the edge of sanity, and I need time to regroup.

Friday September 19

Shirley called last night after she got off work. We chatted for about an hour. So, the deck party will be on for Friday night next week at Shirley's place. An unexciting day. I was losing my mind for most of the day due to my "mid-life crisis." Shirley and I ate lunch at Taco Bell again. I have discovered something very interesting. Many of my former students and some faculty have observed that Shirley and I are together all the time. Some have jumped to conclusions. This may be creating some unforseen problems. I was unable to sit at home tonight, so I went to Barnes & Noble. Pseudo-professor John joined me later. We walked over to Zippy's for a snack and chatted for a while. I also bought an interesting book called "Superflirt" by Tracey Cox. I found it interesting because it visually detailed body language as it applies to the mating game. If anything, this is a book that my brethren need to read. In fact, I learned fairly quickly the real reason why I will never find a babe. I won't even be able to get a date. It's all because of the eunuch-like behavior and the Data-like personality.

To be continued ... Go to D.17