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The Year of Living Dangerously
Love & Life

Note: This volume has been edited beyond recognition.

Wednesday October 8, 2003

Yesterday, I sent e-mail to the Listserv about on-line dating and dating services. Specifically, I wanted to see if anyone was interested in participating because I would investigate the options. Pseudo-professor John was the only one to reply. He was not interested, saying that he wants to check out "other alternatives, if they exist." Say what? If only I had the luxury of time like my brethren, I keep saying to myself. However, time waits for no one.

I have been looking around lately. I've been looking at the babes in my age group. You can call me whatever you want, but I am just not attracted to them. For the most part, they are thick. Extremely thick. They also seem to favor those butch-style haircuts. I have also observed the married guys in my age group. I have seen their wives, and I cannot imagine myself in their place. The guys are also pretty dumpy, which to me is appalling. Yet, Shirley and everyone else keeps urging me to face the facts and seek out someone in my age group. Mind you, I am no prize. However, I have worked very hard to remain fit and I would expect the same of my partner. If you can imagine how hard it is to hook up with a younger hottie, then just try to imagine the competition for an older hottie. A hottie in my age group is rare, and she is going to be a highly sought after commodity. I suppose that I will be judged as being vain. Okay, I admit it. I have to be physically attracted to a babe as well as enjoy her companionship. Is this a cardinal sin? I suppose that this whole issue stems from the fact that I look and act a lot younger than my age. I am not complaining. All I'm saying is that it makes life very confusing because I have never really acted my age either. Lately, I have been going through an identity crisis. I am keenly aware of my age and I often I lapse into "old man" moments. I need to put a stop to this, or I will become old instantly. Yet, how can I help it when people are constantly trying to push me into the "senior citizen" bracket before my time?

Life at the Asylum is rapidly degenerating. Why did I take on this new job? Even Ernie has regrets. In fact, he's ready to jump ship. Shirley and I had lunch at Taco Bell again.

Shirley saw Judith, one of the Asylum faculty, standing in line while we were eating. Judith is about my age and single. "So, Shirley, do you think that Judith and I would make a good couple?" I asked. Reluctantly, she said no. "She looks her age, and she acts her age," Shirley added. I then discussed my dilemma in finding a babe. Later, I am going to ask her the same question but with different females from my age group. Maybe then she will understand my plight, and she may see exactly why I had (and still have) the hots for baby, or, rather, why I must find a young hottie.

I saw Mark on the express bus again this afternoon. We discussed the "mid-life crisis" issue again. We also discussed my possible purchase of Pseudo-professor Dorothy's condo. I had also discussed this matter with Shirley at Taco Bell. However, Shirley did not understand why I wasn't buying a place in which I could move in. She also did not understand why I would buy a place in Makakilo. Buying property is not a simple matter. It takes mucho dinero. I am not Big Money Grip.

Thursday October 9

An uneventful day. I am doing even less at the Asylum. I wonder how long I will be in this position. I find myself walking around like a zombie these days. I feel totally lost and completely disconnected from society. Clearly, I have no meaning or purpose for my own existence. As I waste my time meandering about, I am still keenly aware of how much time I am wasting. Yet, what can I do? I must fulfill my requirements as a wage slave. My focus and attention span has also dissipated. I have tried to identify some kind of existential crisis as the root cause, only to discover that the real reason is the babe situation. Why am I a slave to biology? I don't know what to do anymore. I am no longer able to reason with myself. I am convinced that I need a babe. Why?

Later, I went to the gym. Glen arrived a little later, but we finished our workout at the same time. We ended up at Jamba Juice. There were two Asian babes ahead of us, both of whom were also at the gym. I could tell that they recognized us as well, although they did not say anything. We should have bust a move on them, even if it was just some lame comment about the gym. Glen and I sat outside and chatted for a while. It was fun to talk story, but it would have been more fun with the babes. I saw Mark on the express bus again. We ended up continuing our discussion from yesterday.

Friday October 10

I had to spent my morning at the Asylum in some asinine meeting. I almost lost my mind, mainly because my life was passing before my eyes. Shirley and I ate lunch at Taco Bell again.

I ended up going to Kahala Mall. I spent a considerable amount of time at Tower Records listening to House Music CDs. I purchased a nice collection called "Bargrooves." It's pretty damned good. That's the only music I want to listen to these days. I also went to Barnes & Noble for a few minutes. Pseudo-professor Robert was supposed to be there, but he called to say that he had passed out and was too tired to go anywhere. I didn't really care. I'm only killing time because I cannot stay at home. It would be nice to have a babe, but none of them want to come around. Sheesh!

Saturday October 11

With each passing day, I find that I losing the the battle of wits with myself. What little was left of my monk resolve was thrown out the door. In this last quarter of the year, I am fighting just to retain my sanity. The issue is about whether I will spend the rest of my life single and alone just like Pseudo-professors Jim, Paul, and Les. The list of losers is really endless. I just don't want to be one of them. I am certain that many people are tired of these lamentations. However, the latter seem to have forgotten their own times of despair. Why don't I just go out and hit on every babe that comes along? That's the most common advice I've heard. I just don't meet any babes except those who are students. I live in Hawai'i Kai, which is not a singles community by any means. In addition, I am not prepared to make any significant expenditures in props (i.e., purchase a home, nice car, etc.) just to prove to babes that I am worthy of them. This has been Pseudo-professor Robert's contention, which probably pushed him close to the edge. As I move closer to my next B-day, I will see whether I am willing to take action or prepare to become one of the "dead men."

Of course, the real issue that I have overlooked is the fact that I am a loner. I have a loner's personality, which is why I am alone. I do not attract people. I repel them. I should perhaps listen to the various critiques that I am offered. However, I have been this way for so long that I am not sure that I can change. For one thing, I am an extremely boring guy. I have no vitality, even though I am somewhat active. I have no passion for anything in life, possibly because all of my "soul searching" proved that life is simply vanity. I have taken the Book of Ecclesiastes to heart too much. It has made me jaded and now I can find no joy in life. That's why this adjustment period has been difficult. I have to find meaning in a temporal life, something that I thought not possible. I know that countless numbers of people feel the same way, but they at least put on a good mask. When I established the group this Summer, I wanted to rediscover life through people. I failed miserably. In addition, I have discovered that the people in our group are basically all loners, except possibly Shirley.

A morning hike. The gym. I was losing my mind, so I bought a bottle of Corbett Canyon Cabernet Sauvignon. I drank most of the bottle and departed for town this evening. First stop was Border's. The place was too crowded. So, I drove back to Kahala Mall. Shirley called while I was at Tower Records purchasing a Kevin Yost House CD. She had just returned from a wedding at Paradise Cove. We chatted for about 40 minutes. I walked to Barnes & Noble during that time. I ended up chatting with Shirley while walking around the store. I am not sure if I can take this benign life much longer. I need to find a babe.

Sunday October 12

As I've always said, this is real life like you've never seen it before. As I move from the slow lane to the fast lane, you are here with me. When I lose control and careen off into a ditch, you are here with me. Little did I know that I was stating prophesy. My discussing last night with Shirley was humorous yet frustrating. Once again, she was coaxing me to start mackin' on chicks. What she doesn't seem to realize is that there are no chicks to mack on. Essentially, I have to realize that my time has already run out. Over a month has gone by since my first initial symptoms of chronic anxiety appeared. With that, there has been no action. In little over a month, I will cross the next threshold (i.e., next B-day). As with my brethren, I do not expect any sweeping changes to occur. We are a pitiful lot.

I find that the only way I can abate my feelings of anxiety is either by sedating myself with fire water or doing some kind of physical activity. My workouts at the gym have been particularly helpful. However, I cannot spend all day at the gym. That's also why I have been taking so many hikes. I can truthfully say that I am sick of doing things by myself. Since Shirley has been busy, I have not done much with her.

My Bose Acoustic Wave has come to the forefront again, as I must play my House Music CDs while I am home. House is great because it is upbeat with no romance lyrics. I am fortunate because the Bose will probably last several more years. Although I have been tempted to buy another computer, I have resisted the urge. I would like a new PowerBook. However, my iBook is still soldiering on. The new version of Mac OS X (Panther) is coming out soon, and I am not sure if I should upgrade. My iBook is over three years old, and I don't think it's worth it. So, those are my only valuable possessions. Everything else must go!

I was losing my mind, so I took the bus to Ala Moana again. I actually went to Border's at Ward Center first. It was just too crowded, so I took a nice walk through Ala Moana Beach Park. I ended up back at Ala Moana Center. I walked around like a loser. I noticed a lot of couples walking around as well. Was I envious? Not really. I felt disconnected from everything, just like a zombie. I bought a pair of those detestable Docker's slacks at Macy's. This was the first time I have been able to find my size. When I returned home, I walked to the gym. I took a short hike after that. Another loser weekend has come and gone. I am almost looking forward to the salt mines.

Monday October 13

When I arrived in town this morning, I discovered that the banks were closed. I could not make a deposit to my checking account, which was very important since my automatic loan payment will occur tomorrow. I will try to make the deposit tomorrow morning, but it may not be in time. Hawai'i is several time zones behind the mainland. The Asylum's dreaded retreat was this morning. The highlight of this year's program was the stupid "fish" video. This is the moronic business theory of putting fun back into the workplace, and it based on some fish market in Seattle. Sad to say, this fad came and went years ago. So, why were we privy to it today? That shows you how far behind the times the Asylum is. I left early to have lunch with Shirley. To tell you the truth, nothing will make me miss lunch with Shirley. I'd rather have lunch with a good friend than suffer through extreme torture with idiots.

The rest of the day was uneventful. I was too distraught anyway, knowing that I may end up defaulting on my loans tomorrow. Of course, all of this is happening because I have lost control of my life. I have been returning home at 6:30pm almost every day. Moms has been making comments about this, and I am ready to explode. It appears that I have a dinner curfew at 5:30pm. I am not sure whether moms has gone totally senile or has forgotten that I have to work during the day. I also have to squeeze time in for the gym, which is a major priority for me. I am convinced that my workout regimen is what keeps me looking young. The whole situation is getting out of hand. I am already close to edge because of my "mid-life crisis." Now, moms has to get in the act as well. This has been a long, trying day. I have also been frantically trying to round up classes at the Diploma Mill for Spring term. I just want to facilitate math classes since my computer classes were such a fiasco this term. Well, I am going to listen to my House Music CDs again tonight and try to finalize Plan B.

Tuesday October 14

I made the deposit at the bank this morning. I discovered that the automatic payment had already gone through. I am not certain if I will incur an overdraft charge. Well, at least my credit rating wasn't ruined. Sheesh! An uneventful day. I was at the gym when I received a phone call from the handmaiden. She was in town and called to see if I had time to do anything. So, I met her at Starbuck's, which is in the same building. We chatted for about 20 minutes. I brought up the condo that I am want to purchase. I asked her if she could help me with this situation. So, I will probably call her in a week or so. I then returned to the gym to finish my workout. Glen was there. We ended up chatting for a while. After the gym, I ended up at the faculty computer room at the Diploma Mill. Pseudo-professor Dorothy was there again. I had seen her there earlier in the day. I was discussing the babe situation with her. Apparently, she did not know my real age. I told her. "You look like you're only thirty," she said. I also discussed her condo. She said that she would bring some pictures later.

I have been trying to get my Spring term classes lined up at the Diploma Mill. What a fiasco! So far, I have two, but they are both in the morning. I am supposed to be at the Asylum in the morning. And, one of the classes will be at the Hawai'i Loa campus. Well, I sure hope that I get this straightened out soon.

Wednesday October 15

Yesterday, I neglected to mention that Pseudo-professor Dorothy agreed with me insofar as the Big Five-O being the end game. The babe situation will be over by default. So, I have two choices. I either go for broke or I throw in the towel right now. Can you guess what I've decided? Yep, I'm throwing in the towel. I can't compete. Sheesh! This is already the middle of the week. My anxieties are beginning to flare up in anticipation of yet another boring weekend. In addition, I have let another week slip by with snapping into action of any kind. This proves that I will end up wasting my life away, just like the other losers.

Another uneventful day. Shirley and I ate lunch at Taco Bell as usual. We had an interesting discussion about forgiving a significant other after the latter cheats. I also mentioned that I will have a class at the Hawai'i Loa campus for Spring term. Well, I went to the gym twice today. I do my weight workout before my afternoon classes. Then, I stop off at Koko Marina to finish my cardio workout at the Hawai'i Kai gym. After that, I walk home. That's why I've been returning home so late. In the past four years, I got used to relaxing and pampering myself. Now, I enjoy the stress of an active and hectic day. I am fatigued most of the time, but I enjoy the fact that I don't have time to ruminate about the obvious. However, the weekends are still killing me.

Thursday October 16

I have decided that I will not celebrate my B-day ever again. Shirley and I usually go out to dinner, but that's not going to happen anymore. In addition, I will "officially" end the journal this year. Obviously, I cannot stop writing this crap. So, I will probably continue to scribe this nonsense, but none of it will be indexed anymore. Our group has completely disintegrated, and I am doing nothing to prevent its demise. Only Shirley has been calling me on my beloved cell phone. I will probably change my rate plan again to the one with less minutes. I have also stopped calling people as well.

This is a critical juncture for me. As I mentioned yesterday, I am throwing in the towel with respect to the babe situation. After careful analysis, I have discovered that I am barking up the wrong tree. I will not be able to increase my social life by myself. My brethren have already given up. In fact, I had an interesting discussion with Pseudo-professor Robert today. He delivered his usual platitudes about the babe situation, but he let his guard down at one point. He mentioned the hurt and pain of going through endless rejection with babes. Then, I observed how he ignored me afterward as I addressed his points. Clearly, his coping strategy is a primitive version of "out of sight, out of mind." And, once again, he offered kudos to me for what I accomplished this Summer, which really wasn't much. Often my buddy has angered me with some of his foolishness, but I only felt compassion for him today. He is in deep pain and anguish, and only the medication keeps him afloat. It's so sad. I am surprised at the number of people around me who are suffering from depression, usually single people in my age group and up. Pseudo-professor Dorothy is another one. I suspect that we are all lonely, and we know the chances are extremely slim that we will meet anyone in our lifetimes (or what's left).

This has been a sobering day for me. I see my life passing before my eyes, and all I can do is watch like a loser. I am surrounded by other losers who are extremely helpless. Sometimes I just feel like fleeing, but where am I going to flee to? Even amidst this fucking bullshit, I have not lost my mind yet. I've come close, but I'm still not on Prozac. By the way, LoserNet has "relaxed" the language rules, as you may have noticed. Alas, I'm not sure what I want anymore.

Friday October 17

An uneventful day. I spent a good deal of time socializing at the Diploma Mill. I chatted with Pseudo-professor Paul, who once again enlightened me about the perils of old age. Professor Gordo tried to give me a few tips on how to pick up chicks. He suggested that I go to Oceans (a club). He was surprised to learn how old I was. He thought that I was in my thirties. He suggested that I chase after some young hotties and not tell them my real age. If they become too clingy after I hook up with them, then I can tell them my real age as a "fail-safe." I also chatted with Professor Marv about the babe situation. We are about the same age. He's also been going through a dry spell. "Earlier this year, I thought for sure that something has got to happen," he told me. That reminds me of what I've also told myself many times. Of course, nothing ever happens. The highlight of my day, though, was when a couple of students in my class at the Asylum pointed out that I must have an admirer. They noted that someone had scribbled, "I [heart] Tralfaz," on the side of one of the computer furniture. Well, that made my day. Shirley and I ate lunch at Taco Bell as usual.

Pseudo-professor Tony called. He wanted to go out on the town. I didn't really feel like it, so I told him I'd call him back. I left for Kahala Mall right after I ate dinner and took a shower. I cannot sit at home anymore because of extreme anxiety. I called Pseudo-professor Tony at about 9pm, but he was already settled in. So, I just ended up staying at Barnes & Noble. We may hit the town tomorrow night. When I returned home at 11pm, moms was still up. I am getting really sick and tired of this stupid bullshit. Every night, I return home from work at 6:30pm and I have listen to some kind of stupid comment about how I am late. It seems that this bullshit increases proportionately with the symptoms of my "mid-life crisis." I'm afraid that, if this keeps up, there may be acts of senseless violence. I am not in the mood for this crap. Living at home with moms is already humiliating enough. I am almost a senior citizen and I have no babe. Being treated like a five-year-old is not something I need right now.

Saturday October 18

Many people have been urging the ol' lavahead to start mackin' on chicks. This is an entirely ludicrous suggestion, and I'll tell you why. As you know, I've been reading the AskMen Forums. In addition, I've also been reading the articles on that site as well articles on other sites about this foolish mating game. One of the most interesting has been one called Fast Seduction 101, which appears to be one of the many Ross Jeffries spin-offs. Let me tell you this — from the standpoint of psychological theory, it's all fairly sound advice. And, it's also fairly distressing. My conclusion is that many of us do not know how to act like "real men." The "nice guy" syndrome is really a misnomer. There's nothing wrong with being a nice guy. There's something seriously wrong with being an eunuch. I can only make observations about myself. However, I have a feeling that my observations can be extrapolated to include almost all of the guys who are losers.

It is a puzzling situation. Although I have had very intimate relationships with babes, I feel like a virgin. Never in my life have I thought that any babe was attracted to me. Yet, I can come up with numerous experiences where hotties have bust a move on the ol' lavahead. In all cases, I was not able to fulfill my role as a "man," which ultimately led to frustration on the part of the babes. It's obvious what the result was. Even guys tell me interesting things. Last night, Tony said, "I'm not gay or homosexual, but I'm telling you that you're a good-looking guy." And, like a few others, he commented that I was in great shape, referring to my physique. I have great difficulty in accepting this. After all, if I was what they say, shouldn't babes be all over the oversized cranium? Sometimes I see babes checking out the ol' lavahead, but I usually discount that to happenstance. Hence, I find no reason to approach any babes. And, even if I did, would I be able to pull it off? Sheesh! I am certain that Pseudo-professor Robert has encountered similar problems in his quest. Our delivery is so pathetic that it is always doomed to failure. No babe could be interested in us because we create no sexual excitement. No "chemistry." We are too careful to not offend the babes. Heck, they are not offended, they are either bored shitless or confused about why we are there. When I came up with the eunuch-like behavior and the Data-like personality, I merely described methods of "de-courting," as Tracey Cox calls it in "Superflirt." The real problem is that we have to de-program this destructive personality and replace it with one that is now totally alien to us. It should be natural for us, since we are supposedly guys. Indeed it is, but we have learned to suppress these kinds of Alpha male characteristics. I am good at this. It is second nature. However, I have observed something interesting. In all situations with babes, I do know what to do for a split second. Unfortunately, the Data-like personality takes over right after that.

I went for my tanning hike up Koko Head this morning. I was suffering from extreme anxiety, so I took the bus to Ala Moana immediately afterward. I ended up walking along Ala Moana beach, which was relaxing but also informative. There were many losers and derelicts hanging out at the beach. I walked around Ala Moana Center for a bit. I saw my former student, Jeff, manning the audio console at the Center Stage. I got to chat with him briefly. I caught the bus at 3pm. After I returned home, I walked to the gym. Pseudo-professor Tony called again. He wanted to hit the town tonight. I did not commit, so we agreed to touch bases later. After dinner, I left for town. I ended up at Border's in the Ward Center. I did not call Pseudo-professor Tony, nor did he call. That was fine with me, because I did not want to go the bars.

Sunday October 19

I perused a few interesting books at Border's last one. They were about coping with the single life. I have been curious about the issue of loneliness. After all, this also seems to be the hot topic on the forums with the chronically single guys. Aside from the usual advice of increasing one's activities, one book offered an interesting approach dealing with mindset. To me, it seemed more like resignation or acceptance. However, what other alternatives are there? Another day, another solo adventure. I left for Ala Moana again. I walked through Ala Moana Beach Park again, and observed quite a few of the same people from yesterday. I walked back to Ala Moana Center and walked around. Then, I took the bus to Waikiki. I walked along the beach there. Man, there are some real hotties out on the beach. Whew! I then caught the bus to Kahala Mall. I bought a refreshing Jamba Juice smoothie for myself and ended up at Barnes & Noble. After I returned home, I walked to the gym to do my cardio workout.

Shirley called while I was at the gym. We chatted for the duration of my workout. She has been hanging out with Ramona every since our group disintegrated. She's also been doing a lot of surfing. I'm not sure if I will be able to catch up whenever I get started. She told me that she ran into Pseudo-professor John's best friend Ricky just outside of Daiei the other afternoon. It seemed suspicious that he happened to be there in Kailua at that moment. He talked with her and asked for her phone number. Shirley was a little perturbed about this. Obviously, there are only two possibilities. One, Ricky could have a thing for Shirley. Or, two, Ricky is trying to help Pseudo-professor John. The latter is the most probable since Pseudo-professor John has often told me that Ricky has no problems approaching babes, and that he will do so to help set up his best friend. This all makes sense since infatuations can last a long time, as we well know. It is uncertain when the group will ever get back together again. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Monday October 20

I neglected to mention that Malia sent e-mail the other day. I am always happy to hear from her. I am a little concerned because she always discusses the old days when we used to hang out together. She apparently had quite a thing for the ol' lavahead. I am concerned because she is now married. She should not be discussing these things anymore. It's too bad that there isn't a babe who has strong feelings like that for the ol' lavahead, eh? Caroll called last night. She is not sure whether she will be coming to Hawai'i. It was nice to chat with her anyway.

The latest developments with the former members of the Summer group make me see that the group's demise was the best option. There were too many undercurrents. Too many infatuations. Too many games. Too many disappointments. Actually, the group has not met its demise. I simply have not been doing any active organizing of activities. In addition, no one seems to have the same times open these days. Shirley is now going to school full time and working as well. I am the only one with a fairly light schedule.

The Asylum has turned into a political nightmare. In the past few weeks, I have been exposed to the amazing amount of graft and corruption that has been going on for years. I am meeting tremendous amounts of resistance. Lately, I have also become aware that there is a substantial amount of covert activity to thwart my actions. It is also obvious that there have been attempts to set me up for a fall. I am now apparently such a threat that I must have more power than I imagined. The pressure comes from both sides. Kevin has been pushing me to develop a power base and establish our own small empire. I am attempting to remain as pragmatic as possible. As I only report to the Dean, I have some sweeping powers that affect curriculum and faculty. This is apparently scaring quite a few people, especially the Roach loyalists. I am at odds with most of the staff as well. They are all scared. Ernie, the other coordinator, is also going through the same thing.

The problems with our group are nothing in comparison to the political intrigue that I am privy to at the Asylum on a daily basis. I have not mentioned this before because it has been a difficult adjustment period. I have been given a lot more power than I imagined, even though I am only a low-level administrator. My primary responsibility is to invigorate a dying computer program. However, the cause of the problems run very deep and wide. As of last week, I have instituted an emergency action plan to help the upcoming graduate in finding decent jobs. Our in-house job placement service is a total joke. My efforts have now gained me new enemies. My life is not at the point where I desire such adversity. Yet, I am good at what I do. All I really wanted was peace and quiet, and a nice babe to share my life with. Well, that's not going to happen.

Tuesday October 21

Last night, I was reading a few articles and distributing them through the Listserv. One was of particular interest, "When She Want to Remain 'Just Friends'" by Curt Smith on AskMen. I was particularly stunned by the following excerpt:

Obviously men who think in such a way don't realize the importance of their biological mission. Sure it's nice to have a close female friend, or even a female best friend, but in the game of love, the male knows very well that his first priority is to establish an exclusive and long-term relationship with the woman he desires.

The survival of the fittest rule says that if a man has to choose between the risk of losing a friendship with a woman he desires and expressing his true feelings to her, he must take the risk of losing the friendship.

I was stunned because it dawned upon me that I've known this all along. Years ago, I asserted that guys and babes can never really be friends. My only FriendZonetm friends were initially established as that and nothing more. For example, Shirley and I began our friendship in the FriendZonetm and that has never changed. As I look back, I can honestly say that I have never been put into the FriendZonetm by any babe who showed some kind of romantic interest. Essentially we parted ways. Remember Clare? Heck, how about Joyce? The handmaiden is the only one who is close to being a friend, but only after years of hard feelings. Malia is also a friend, but she constantly discusses the strong feelings that have yet to be extinguished. I can say with almost 100 percent certainty that babes who approach guys have, at the least, a subliminal level of romantic interest. Quick calculations are made. And, the FriendZonetm determination is made mutually right then. However, if the romantic interest lingers, then it will be all or nothing.

An uneventful day. I ended up chatting with Glen for a bit after the gym. I also chatted with Pseudo-professor Dorothy. Mark was on the express bus this afternoon, so we chatted for the duration of the ride. That's the extent of my social life now.

Wednesday October 22

The celebration continues with more Vendage Merlot! My powers at the Asylum continue to grow for some reason. I am now making recommendations which will affect the whole institution. The faculty are talking a lot more, but they seemed scared. I can see why. There will be essentially three program coordinators under the Dean. His executive assistant will serve as an interim coordinator for the remaining faculty not under Ernie or myself. The resentment also seems to building. I have remained quite calm amidst the storm that is building. In fact, I am remaining on course despite all that is going on. The only thing I am worried about is that we are looking more and more like a regime, which may make us no better than Roach and his disciples.

Shirley called last night and chatted with me for a few minutes. We also ate lunch at Taco Bell again. She said that she got a call last night. The number had a NexTel prefix. She suspects that the "wingman" plan is now in effect. The rest of the day was uneventful. Glen was at the gym, so we got to chat for a bit. It's now the middle of the week, and my anxieties are beginning to flare up. Lord have mercy!

Thursday October 23

I forgot to mention that former Professor Lisa sent me a few pictures from the Olomana hike that we took when she was last here. I really miss her. She's a fun person. And, she does not play games. By the way, that Vendage Merlot is not bad. It goes good with that Kevin Yost House Music CD. Another uneventful day. I spent my time at the Asylum doing my administrative functions. My little empire is growing despite the fact that the technical programs are doomed to extinction soon. I restored my monk haircut (for lack of a better term). Glen was at the gym today. We ended up going to Jamba Juice afterward.

Friday October 24

Lots of interesting things going on these days, eh? I had to continue the celebration last night with more Vendage Merlot, even though baby broke the silence. I am also curious about the "wingman" project being perpetrated on Shirley. I have to give the guys some credit. Shirley has often told me that she plans to be married by the time she turns 28 years of age. Heck, that's only five years from now. As I said before, desperate times call for desperate measures.

Shirley and I ate lunch at Taco Bell again today. Her friend Ramona was just released from the hospital after having knee surgery. So, Shirley will be helping Ramona. I ended up doing the Kahala Mall rounds tonight. Wheee! Am I livin' large, or what? It's been a long week in the salt mines, and now I have to look forward to another chicken chokin' weekend. Sheesh!

Saturday October 25

In talking with a lot of young people, I have observed that many of them are lost. They lack any meaning in their lives. Thus, they spend their spare time out at the bars and clubs in a drunken stupor. One babe even mentioned "quarter-life crisis." I know exactly how they feel, except they have the luxury of time to clean up their acts. Last night, I purchased the book by Robin Sharma titled, "The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari." I normally do not purchase this genre of books, but I am actually enjoying it. It's providing some insight. What is really interesting is that I have already followed many of the principles outlined in the book. My problem is that I lacked clear objectives. In addition, I have let some portions of my life careen out of control as of late.

My former student, Melinda, was on the express bus yesterday. Some clown spent the whole duration of the trip mackin' on her. He was obviously ex-miltary. I could hear portions of the conversation. She disclosed that she has been dating a lot of military guys lately. Red flag! He eventually got her digits. Most of the local babes are hooking up with military guys. These babes work at dead-end jobs, and they are attracted to the lure of what they perceive to be an adventurous life. Instead, most of them end up pregnant or stuck in an abusive relationship.

I am still plagued by feelings of extreme anxiety. I cannot sit at home. I want to flee, but there is nowhere to go. So, I did my usual tanning hike up Koko Head. Then, I did the Ala Moana and Waikiki beach rounds. Finally, I went to the gym. After dinner, I went to Kahala Mall. I bought a couple of Aloha shirts for work. Shirley called while I was meandering around the mall. She was at work, and she said that she spotted "wingman" Ricky in the Daiei store. It's way beyond coincidence now. I ended up at Border's. I ran into John, one of my former Asylum students. We ended chatting for a while. When I returned home, I felt a little better.

Sunday October 26

The good part about not staying at home is that I am not around when the Ninja Turds visit. My excursions have no other express purpose, or so it seems. However, upon closer scrutiny, this may not be so. The positive aspect is that I am living my life rather lapsing in and out of a coma in my favorite chair. I could, of course, live my life even more so by experiencing more of what I want to do. I only mention these things because I continue to notice that I have applied many of the principles discussed in Sharma's book. The book is no literary classic, but I have already noticed that the author has compiled sound principles which include Stephen Covey and Viktor Frankl. Although I have a long way to go in a short period of time, I feel better knowing that I was on the right track. I still have many areas that need improvement. For one thing, I have yet to discover my passion in life. I also need to hone my interactions with people so I do not offend them.

What I did not realize is that I am almost a master of time management. That's why I have so much free time. I have simplified my life as well, so I have less trivial matters to deal with. However, this leads to an "existential vacuum." I have noticed that most other people, especially the younger ones, are more apt to fall into the urban myth of being "too busy." The latter is usually a product of procrastination. In essence, many people keep busy to avoid the more painful aspects of life and keep themselves as noncommittal as possible. Others are just too unorganized. In my case, I must find something of great meaning to fill the time that I have freed up. I have realized that I accomplished something so many people never will — I have freedom. Both Frankl and Sharma assert that true meaning or purpose in life involves service to others, that is, things we do for other people. Here is where I've been falling short lately. In any case, I will be reading Sharma's book several times in order to get the full gist.

I did the Ala Moana and Waikiki beach rounds. Then, I ended up at Kahala Mall. I bought a Jamba Juice smoothie and walked around. This may all seem rote and stupid. However, I am finally venturing out on my own after four years of seclusion. I suppose that I could do more to experience life. Yet, I am beginning to run into people I know when I am out and about. I also have to get used to doing things alone. My brethren are not very interested in doing the activities that I do, and vice versa. Friendships can still be maintained nonetheless. I am not experiencing anything exciting in life, but I am experiencing life. I'll have plenty of time to vegetate in my favorite chair when I become really old and decrepit. For, I must get out. I live in Hawai'i. The weather is great year round. Even in tourist hellholes like Waikiki, there is still a little bit of Paradise.

While I am discussing this nonsense, I might as well add that I have actually accomplished much more than I thought possible. I have been good at setting and meeting most of my goals. Of course, only one goal remains unfulfilled, the latter dealing with the babe situation. For the most part, I have caught up with where I should be at this age. I have undone some of my mistakes, but I cannot go back in time. I cannot go back 20 years when I first became a real loser. I cannot go back four years to prevent my social seclusion. This is my greatest regret. Living with this regret has made life difficult for me. It is time that I part company with the past.

Insofar as experiencing life, I do not see that I have deprived myself ever. I suppose that I could do more. Even now, I maintain an active life, although it's now always with a party of one. Somehow it seems inadequate, mainly because I seemingly compare myself to legendary studs. How can anyone not feel inadequate? That's a sad part of this consumerist society. We constantly make comparison to others, which always makes us feel inadequate. Even people who say that they don't make these comparisons are guilty. In the end, I am only in a race with myself. How I improve is all that counts, which then makes it easier to forget the past and the regrets. And, what about the future? Dwelling upon a distant time also makes no sense. I am living right now, and I have to deal with the present. Time is still slipping away. The past is water under the bridge, and the future is a distant sun on the horizon of the imagination. The most important moment is now. Will I learn to live in it and savor it fully?

To be continued ... Go to D.19

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