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The Exodus Files
Kiss Your Dreams

Tuesday December 21, 2004

I performed a few rough calculations for the option to rent out Chez Loser. If the unit were leased for a year at $1,500 per month, I estimated $15,612 income after subtracting $199 per month for the property manager's fee (9 percent) and the general excise tax (about 4.25 percent). The tax on that income is estimated to be $3,903 total. My mortgage payment and maintenance fee run about $1,450 per month. I would have to pay $150 per month to make up the difference. The interest, maintenance fee, and other deductions will be $15,098 total. If my income remains the same, I will not have enough of a deduction to lower my tax bracket. In other words, I will not recover any of my own tax payments. However, what I earn will be purely disposable income. My equity would increase by $200 per month. If I sold Chez Loser at the ridiculous price that I quoted, then I would make $37,800 after closing costs (about 7 percent) and capital gains tax (about 30 percent). Well, that's some fodder for thought.

I spent almost all day working on my lecture notes for my Spring classes. My only break was my workout at the gym. I will most likely spend a good portion of my unpaid vacation composing those notes. I have decided to take a few shortcuts, one being the extensive use of solutions manuals. In the past, I have done the work myself, but I fear that I will run out of time. I have essentially a month to go, but I am not counting on any luxury of time. I have other things that I must take care of, but maintaining my employment is the first priority. When I was walking back from the gym, I heard someone call out my name. Lori was driving with a friend down to Koko Marina. We chatted briefly.

My decrepit dress shoes are ready for the trash. They've lasted about six years. I bought a pair of Rockport® shoes about two years ago. I still have not worn them. My wallet has gaping holes in it, but I am still using it. It may last a few more months. I bought a nice leather wallet over two years ago as well. It's still boxed up. Possessions mean nothing to me. I do not need to keep buying new crap. I want a new Apple® PowerBook, but I can probably get my iBook to last at least another year. The hard drive seems a little noisier, but I don't believe that it's ready to give out yet. I will have to back up my files soon, though.

Wednesday December 22

With a few days left in the current year, the most crucial decisions are still up in the air. The real problem, of course, is my precarious employment situation. The job situation for locals is dismal. The mainlanders have taken over. They have developed a strong power base and pulled the carpet from under the locals. Part of the blame is the local mentality that's been around since I was kid. Locals are only comfortable in "blue collar" fields. Even the poorest of locals understand the ramifications. My students at the Asylum are cognizant enough to realize that the mainlanders hold the best jobs and live in the best areas. They also know that the mainlanders are recruiting more of their kind from the mainland. With housing prices at a peak and property taxes going up, many locals are going to find themselves homeless. Naturally, many people want to offer advice. Those who do not live in Hawai'i can never understand. Visiting the islands for a couple of weeks does little to reveal the real truth. This is what "Samhain" will learn in due time. Hawai'i is not the mainland. Even exposure to mainland ethnic minority groups will not increase any understanding of island phenomena.

The rain started coming down early this morning and it did not let up until late in the afternoon. I spent most of the day working on my lecture notes again. I am making decent progress. I will most likely be spending all of next week on this project as well. I walked down to Koko Marina in the rain at 2:15pm. I did my paltry workout at the gym. The heart palpitations continue. They seem to be getting worse. My mind is like mush by early evening. Working on my lecture notes all day is mentally fatiguing. As usual, I will spend the evening with my beloved iBook. I've been in complete social isolation since Monday. Somehow, I am not even bothered. It's good practice for the near future. On a lighter note, I joined the Wikipedia group. I am not sure when I am going to make a literary contribution. However, the concept is quite intriguing. I learned about the Wiki world when I downloaded Voodoo Pad Lite for my iBook.

Thursday December 23

I departed for town at noon. I arrived early for my appointment at the Kaiser Clinic. As it turns out, my appointment was made with the wrong physician. My doctor is apparently away on vacation. I decided to keep the appointment. My cholesterol level had dropped overall, but the "bad" cholesterol level is still high. My blood pressure is fine, which surprised me given all of the crap that has transpired this year. I got another referral to remove the benign cyst on my chest. Well, I felt it was imperative to keep this appointment no matter which doctor was presiding because of the last concern that I brought up. I then described the heart palpitations that I have been experiencing. The doctor ordered an EKG, which proved to be fine. I am being referred to the Moanalua branch, specifically the cardiology department. I will be making an appointment to fit a Holter heart monitor. There is reason for me believe that I have a serious problem. The frequency and duration of the palpitations have increased. I noticed this today during my cardio workout at the gym. The Transporter-like machine monitors my heart rate. Often, after a series of palpitations, the displayed heart rate changes erratically by up to 10bpm. These palpitations have increased to a period of one second, and the frequency is now about every 30 seconds. I have already roughly noted that my pulse rate seemingly stops during the palpitations. Oddly, there are very few palpitations at or near my resting heart rate. I did some research on the Net to discover that the sensation I am experiencing is more in line with heart fibrillation (a kind of "fluttering" feeling).

This whole episode certainly makes me wonder if my thesis about the divestiture of my useless possessions holds true. Could my body have sensed a life-threatening situation? Am I trying to take care of my personal business before the end? I suppose that it is time for me to enjoy my life. How? I am using all of my unpaid vacation time to work on preparing for my Spring classes. I have no choice, even though I could suffer a cardio event at any time. I will probably have to devote two whole days to commute to the Kaiser Moanalua Clinic to fit the Holter monitor and to return it the next day. I have to return to wage slavery in a week, which means that I will have to put up with the sniveling assholes all around me. Well, I will wait to see what the results of the heart monitor reveal. If I have a serious condition, then I will have have to mummify the present situation. Money will certainly become quite meaningless. I will, of course, buy the PowerBook immediately. Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaa!

Friday December 24

I spent most of the day preparing my lecture notes. I am making progress, but I am wondering why I am even bothering. I will have to spend most of next month on these notes. I will have the afternoons off at the Diploma Mill until the Spring term commences. I did not receive a call from the Kaiser cardiology department. So, I will have to wait until next week. The holiday season is not a time to discover possible life-threatening illnesses. My only break today was when I walked down to the gym in Koko Marina. The parking lot was full of slobs, all of them driving around like idiots. Why can't these fools be the ones to suffer from heart palpitations? I was able to do my usual workout. I decreased the level of my cardio workout by one unit (whatever that is) which predictably decreased the number of episodes of palpitations. In retrospect, I have experienced these palpitations for years. However, they were quite sporadic and I never realized what they were. At this point in time, I cannot draw any conclusions. However, there are no other answers for an erratic heart rate that is occurring with such frequency.

After dinner, I decided to walk the recycling over to the recycling center at the high school. I walked briskly, noting a number of minor palpitations. I am also discovering how I can get by without my six-four with little inconvenience. I observed the traffic as I walked. Peak Oil could not get here quick enough as far as I'm concerned. I could also see a decorated tree in every house with numerous presents underneath. It's odd to me how this celebration continues even amidst all of the stress and cynicism that it creates. Once every year, people give useless gifts to each other out of repressed guilt. Then, during the rest of the year, they are assholes to each other. The only gift that is missing is care and compassion. The real gift of life. That's all but gone in a materialistic world. I've reflected on this hypocritical and blasphemous celebration over the years. There's no need to reiterate the latter now. How many people are singing, "Peace on Earth, goodwill to [all]," while death and destruction are going on halfway around the planet? For me, it's time again to read "Man's Search for Meaning," by Viktor Frankl.

Saturday December 25

I departed for Chez Loser at 9am, even though I knew that the Ninja Turds were not coming over. Moms was preparing food yesterday, but I figured out that the Turds had invited moms to their place. I could care less that they make it clear how I am not welcome. Look back in the journal and see how I was treated when I returned to Hawai'i. I had nothing to do at Chez Loser. The trip was a waste of time. Naturally, I had a couple of glasses of the "Hammer" while I was there. I left at 1pm and arrived back in Hawai'i Kai at 3pm. A little while later, the Turds arrived along with moms. I decided that it was time for me to walk to the park. I sat out on the grass. It was so nice and peaceful. When I returned to moms' house, the Turds were still there. My bro and his son were visiting the neighbors. As always, I sit in the former "warehouse" while the Turds are visiting. That way, I won't have any interaction with them.

The game is still pretty obvious. I am in the way of the Turd's early inheritance. This is, of course, the primary reason why I stay at moms' place. The Turds will not move back in until I am gone. At this point in time, this game means nothing to me. They will get their house in the appointed time. What is sad is that moms has played right into their hands. I am the bad ol' puddy tat. However, I know exactly what will happen when the Turds move back. My bro will set up his totalitarian regime. Moms will become a prisoner in her own house, just like the old days. If moms were to hand them the deed, then it will be over. I am extremely worried about what will happen when moms becomes less ambulatory. Will the Turds provide care for moms?

All of that crap is moot anyway. It will happen just as I predicted. Nothing will stop the chain of stupidity. I have my own issues to deal with. The situation with my heart palpitations has made me keenly aware that I have not planned for the future disposition of my puny estate. I have no legal will. I am not planning to include my immediate family in the will. If I left everything to moms, it will all be given to the Turds. The only person whom I can trust in Hawai'i is Shirley. I must set up my puny estate so that Shirley will have power of attorney to carry out my wishes. I will probably give her 20 AWUs as well. I will have to discuss this matter with Shirley soon. In the meantime, I must start divesting my useless possessions. I need to muster up the energy to list that crap on eBay. So much to do, so little time.

Sunday December 26

A picture in the paper showed a clown in Sri Lanka carrying out his tube from the rubble of his home after the big quakes in Asia. Why are people always salvaging their tubes after a natural disaster? Is there anything more valuable? I have also observed the sheer number of people purchasing expensive large-screen tubes lately. It's easy to see why people have become so mentally pliable. Sheesh! There's one more week left before cars cannot be donated to charities under the old tax laws. I have to make the decision to donate my six-four. In researching this matter, I've discovered that I can claim up to the resale value (which is about $4,500). That will bring me about $1,350 for my tax refund. I could sell my six-four for a little more, but it's not worth the hassle of dealing with potential buyers.

Kate sent me an article in e-mail about a rag-tag group of people living in the middle of nowhere. The residents have set up a shanty trailer park near an abandoned military base in the high desert in Cali. Perhaps I should move there. Strangely, the "town" has divided itself into poor and affluent areas. Is there no end to the stupidity of class wars? Property taxes are going up in Hawai'i. Now, the hurricane insurance is going up as well, primarily because of Florida. Can you believe it? Property taxes won't take effect until June. After that, we will see an influx of homeless people as mortgages and rents go up.

I spent the day working on my lecture notes. My only break was a workout at the gym. The heart palpitations continue. I cannot tell if I really have any other symptoms of heart problems. I'm not sure if I have shortness of breath. Sometimes it seems that way. There are some chest pains, but I've been living in pain for years. Most of the pain is from my weight workouts. Other aches are from old age, I suppose. I have had bouts of dizziness, but no fainting spells. Previously, I had attributed most of those symptoms to old age. The walk to and from Koko Marina is unbearable. There are so many mofos driving around in the parking lot. No pedestrian is safe. Yet, none of these dumbshits have heart palpitations. Amazing!

I'll be spending the evening with my iBook. I've been in seclusion for the last week. Ex communicado. I'm getting used to the life-style that I will lead from now on. That may only be a few months. Perhaps I should spruce up the LoserNet site a little. I hate to leave things unfinished.

Monday December 27

I was planning to run a few errands today, but the rain started up again. Fortunately, it cleared up in the early afternoon. I was able to walk down to the gym in Koko Marina. The weight room is pretty pathetic because there is very little equipment. I am not really able to do much. My cardio workout is becoming more difficult each day. The heart palpitations are becoming more frequent. I am not even sure if I am endangering myself by continuing these workouts. I have not received a call from the Kaiser Clinic. I have no idea when I will be contacted. I will probably have to call the doctor whom I saw last week. Who knows? I could have a massive coronary at any time.

Because of the rain, I spent most of the day working on my lecture notes. I believe that I will be close to done before the week is over. I will still have about three weeks before the Spring term commences at the Diploma Mill. Not much really seems to matter anymore. I just keep wondering how I let my health decline to such a point. It's kind of amazing given the fact that I go to the gym at least five times per week. The fact that I am a senior citizen plays a big part. I cannot carry on like I am still in my thirties. Well, I still have done nothing about my personal affairs. Phone messages and e-mail have been piling up, but I have done nothing about it. Crap needs to be divested, but I just look the other way. I have a few days left of my unpaid vacation. The new year is coming up, but I won't be out celebrating. Moms has a turkey in the freezer, so I assume that the Ninja Turds will be coming by. I plan to spend that time at Chez Loser. If these are truly my last days, I do not need to see the Turds.

Tuesday December 28

Rain was pouring down last night. The earthquake in Indonesia apparently affected the earth's rotation. Did it change the tilt in the Earth's axis? If so, we could be in for some major weather changes. Many people lost their lives because of the resulting tsunami. Each day, there is nothing but news of more tragedy and mayhem. In the wink of an eye, any of us could be removed from service. It's enough that natural disasters take their toll, but humans are not satisfied with just that. We insure that loss of life is maximized by our own hands. Why is life so cheap? We humans are puny shits in comparison to the Earth. We are nothing in comparison to the Universe. The Earth is beginning to take revenge upon us. We have destroyed the natural ecology of the planet. We have paved everything over, forcing extinction amongst the various creatures who roam the planet. And now, we are killing each other off for no particular reason. Payback is going to be a real bitch. Is it the Earth, Mother Nature, or the Almighty that we must answer to? In the days preceding Armageddon, as the Prophesy goes, there will be an increase in natural disasters unlike that seen on the planet before. In addition, the conflict amongst humans will increase. There will be mass genocide unlike any other time in history. The Book of Revelation makes symbolic references to a religious war as the final provocation. Is this what we're seeing now?

Time has run out. Left to our own devices, we will see to our destruction in due time. It is my guess that we only have about 20 years before the real insanity begins. That is, if Armageddon doesn't arrive beforehand. The catalyst will not necessarily be Peak Oil. Instead, it will be a combination of factors mainly precipitated by overpopulation. Peak Oil will determine when human slavery returns on a grand scale. Since we have eliminated most of the beasts of burden, we must rely upon slave labor to replace the latter. People who refuse to be slaves will be exterminated. Who will be slaves, and who will be the masters? If that's not obvious by now, then there's no hope. I am inclined to believe that there is no purpose in saving for the future. Take the money and enjoy it now. Most people are already doing so, quite unwittingly, I might add.

I rode the bus to Kahala Mall this morning. I had to buy a couple of things, which I will discuss later. When I returned to Hawai'i Kai, I spent a few more hours working on my lecture notes. There really is nothing more boring than that. I took a break to go to the gym. My heart palpitations were surprisingly few and not so pronounced. I did not set the level down a notch during my cardio workout. However, I have noticed that I never really go over 140bpm anymore. This is another aspect of old age. I washed and waxed my six-four this afternoon. There is a potential buyer for it. I spent the last hour of daylight working on my lecture notes again. Then, I called it a day. My excitement for the evening is, as usual, spending time with my iBook.

Wednesday December 29

Today is as good a day as any to reflect on being alive, heart palpitations and all. My thoughts often drift onto the unpleasant topic of mortality. We humans are so fragile. In a wink of an eye, we could perish. And, nothing about ourselves would mean anything. Our possessions would become useless junk that someone else will have to dispose of. Our money would only serve to make greedy family members happy until it's all spent. There is no meaning in this life as we know it. The only true meaning comes from self-awareness. The only true meaning is derived from the mind and how it is used. Our daily experiences are a kind of prison, something that Viktor Frankl alluded to. It is only the power of the mind that can escape the prison. This is what Frankl referred to as "freedom." Constantly obsessing about finances is a prison. In the last few days before the start of a new year, I can safely say that I am divesting myself of financial planning. I cannot plan for an indefinite future. At this point in time, I am not even sure how long my future will be. I live the same existence as most other people do, now more than ever. I'm a wage slave with bills up to my neck. I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut. In fact, I'm planning to go back to my "seat of the pants" approach to life — the "eleventh-hour" strategy that has worked for years. I don't need to stress out about anything anymore. I may have a heart attack tomorrow. Nothing will matter after that.

Selling my six-four is not a big deal. It only costs me $450 per year, not including petrol. I just don't enjoy washing it or maintaining it. Useless possessions like my Bose® Acoustic Wave are not going to yield me much in resale. I don't particularly care for material possessions because I don't like clutter. I don't like to clean things either. This is what I mean when I say "slave to one's possessions." Chez Loser could be considered an albatross, I suppose. I've checked the real estate records and discovered that the first owner paid 259 AWUs for the place. It was purchased as leasehold property. Then, a few years later, the fee was acquired. I came in at 34 AWUs less. The complex is now 14 years old. Chez Loser is in Phase II, so it may be two years less. I have, however, decided not to rent the place unless I am forced to do so. It doesn't matter. If I keeled over right now, I certainly won't have to worry about bankruptcy, would I?

The latest news about the tsunami fiasco is that Indonesian meteorologists had information about the earthquake. They decided to withhold any warning because it would have hurt the tourist industry. Amazing! Peak Oil advocates are now backing down and claiming that we won't see anything adverse until 2008 or so. My own estimate is conservative. I'm giving it 20 years. However, the same advocates are predicting an economic shambles within a few years. I am inclined to agree with that. It's probably best to spend every dime now. Buy and consume everything in sight. Enjoy it while it's there.

An uneventful day. I drove my six-four to Kuapa Kai. I stopped off at City Mill to see if I could find a cheap Weedwhacker. No dice. So, I stopped off at the bank to withdraw some dough to buy a bus pass for next month. I spent the rest of the day working on my lecture notes. My only break was a jaunt to the gym. I had at least ten heart palpitations during my cardio workout. There is always the possibility that my heart won't stop fibrillating. I cannot stop working out because that is the only reason I am maintaining any semblance of health. As always, I'll spend the evening with my iBook.

Thursday December 30

The Kaiser Clinic finally called. I have a tentative appointment next week to have the benign cyst removed. I have to call the Moanalua clinic to arrange for the Holter monitor fitting. I may have to change the date of the surgery because the possibility of heart problems is a more pressing concern. An interesting article titled, "Photos Show George W. Bush Seriously Ill Physically," by CL Hallmark was featured on the San Francisco Independent Media Center site. I say "interesting" because it presents a twist to the story about the suspicious bulge on Shrub's back during the Presidential debates. It also could mean that Shrub and I have something very much in common. Hallmark asserted that Shrub was donning a LifeVest wearable defibrillator. He further postulated that Shrub may have been suffering from atrial fibrillation as early as the infamous pretzel incident.

I did nothing for most of the day. In fact, I lapsed into a coma in my favorite chair, something I haven't done in ages. I walked to the gym later in the afternoon. I experienced over 90 episodes of heart palpitations during my 30 minutes of cardio. Frankly, I am not sure why I am still alive. This is what baffles me. One would suspect that I am mistaking the symptoms for something else, perhaps indigestion. I have managed to check my pulse during those brief moments. There is no pulse when the fibrillation occur. Essentially, my heart skips one or two beats. There are no other symptoms (i.e., chest pains, faintness, confusion, etc.). I am more inclined to notice oddities when I am sedentary. I now have an acute ringing in my left ear. When the palpitations occur, I feel as though there is a glitch in the oversized cranium.

Kevin called and left a message. My cell phone voicemail is apparently functioning again. We had a nice chat. He and his wife just returned from Japan. They were visiting her side of the family. I mentioned my heart condition. Kevin said that he suffers from the same problem. He no longer goes running or does anything involving high exertion. He also takes aspirin daily. He mentioned that he had experienced blackouts as well. All in all, we had a nice chat. Once we are outside of the piranha pit (read: Asylum), then everything is fine. I also noted that Shirley had called a few times about a week ago. She apparently has a present for me. I have been in total seclusion, so I have not responded yet. She's not going to be too happy when I finally call back. I have already purchased her gift (a $50 gift card from Gap® and a box of Godiva® Truffles). That's why I went to Kahala Mall earlier this week. A big storm is coming in as early as tonight, so I am not sure if I will make the journey to Chez Loser this weekend. Fortunately, I have my iBook to keep me company.

Friday December 31

Tim and his mother came by at noon to check out my six-four. His mother is a student in one of my classes at the Asylum. Tim returned from the mainland and will be attending classes at the UH. He wanted to buy my six-four right then, but he did not have enough dough on him. In addition, the Satellite City Hall was closed. I want to be sure that all of the paperwork is out of the way before he takes possession of the vehicle. I do not want to incur any liability whatsoever. Tentatively, we are going to close the deal on Monday. After they left, I decided to make the benign journey to Chez Loser. I did not go to the gym.

The trip to and from Chez Loser went well. I carried along the usual recycling stuff. My reason for going there was to insure that my lanai was clear of anything that could turn into a projectile in 60mph winds. That's the prediction for the upcoming storm. Oddly, there was not a drop of rain all day. The sky is completely overcast. The air is still. The storm hit Kaua'i yesterday. It should have reached this island by now. I was hoping that the storm would be in full swing by early evening. That way, the fireworks activity would have been minimized. By 7pm, there was a little precipitation. Nothing resembling a storm.

I should reflect on this matter of selling my six-four. Unless Tim changes his mind, I will be without a car for the first time since I was a teenager. In a matter of days, I am to become one of the underprivileged class. It's a strange feeling. I will have to completely rely upon public transit. Scary, isn't it? It is a decision for the better. I can really no longer tolerate driving. I am also divesting myself of my second largest possession. It has now become apparent to me that I am really down to nothing. If all goes well, I plan to purchase the PowerBook later in the year. I will then sell my iBook and, possibly, my Bose® Acoustic Wave. My computer is all that I really need. What other possession is fully utilized? None, I'm afraid. Isn't that really the only criterion to own something? I am also now a senior citizen, so my social life is non-existent. My health is deteriorating and may eventually force me to become an invalid. I need nothing more than my computer.

Well, this is the end of an interesting year, most of which has been pruned from the journal. I will not be out celebrating New Year's Eve. My iBook will keep me company as I choke over the sulfur fumes from the fireworks in da 'hood. I sent e-mail to Shirley yesterday. I have not heard from her. I will most likely send her gift by mail later in the week. In any case, the new year will be off to a good start with the divestiture of my six-four. Freedom is right around the corner. We at LoserNet wish all of you a Happy New Year!

New Year's Day 2005

So, what happened to that big storm? At 9:30pm last night, the sky was clear. Not a drop of rain in sight. The New Year's revelers were having a grand time. Shirley responded to my e-mail. She has not been feeling well for a few days because of the stress at work. Wait until she becomes a wage slave! She also mentioned that she went to a karaoke joint with a few friends, one of whom is being shipped off to Iraq. That's actually who the party was for. Shirley ended up hammered. I am kind of worried about Shirley. Well, hey! She's going to be the executor of my puny estate! At midnight, all hell broke loose. Thousands of dollars up in smoke just to chase the "evil" spirits away. Don't they realize that the "evil" spirits are right there amongst them? They are the "evil" spirits. They've all bowed down to the sinister kahuna, what with their rampant materialism, their corrupt behavior, and their haughty self-righteousness.

Here's a parting thought for the last year. One in eight vehicles on the road is a huge gas-guzzling SUV. That number will increase next year. It wouldn't be so bad, but none of the mofos driving those pieces of shit know how to maneuver them. One has a better chance of being done in by an SUV-driving-mofo than of a heart attack. It has really become apparent that society is composed of amorphous fuckheads, all driven by a childish desire to satisfy the id. Most adults are dimwits. I should not even call them adults. They are children in physiologically aged bodies. Mental midgets. Perhaps that is what pushed Anonder to become who he is. Anonder is quite correct when he surmises that I am similar in personality and temperament to him. Of course, he has attempted to steer me in the "right" direction, of which I am truly grateful. It may seem as though I am resisting that path. However, I assure you that I'm not. I'm heading in the same direction, only with a few modest distractions. It is truly remarkable that Anonder has appeared occasionally to shine a beacon in the fog. This is by no accident. It is part of a destiny that must be fulfilled.

The rain finally arrived at 9am, with little or no gusty winds. I had to wipe the residual ash off of my six-four. Gunpowder ash is rather acidic. My six-four is ready to change ownership. I decided to embark on the benign journey to Chez Loser even with the heavy rain. I was sopping wet when I arrived. I celebrated the New Year with one glass of the "Hammer." That's all there was. The intensity of the rain increased. So, I decided that I had better leave before I became stranded. I walked the recycling over to the bins at the He'eia school. I continued walking to Windward Mall. Once there, I looked around the Sears store. I was able to find Weedwhackers on sale. When the weather is better, I will purchase one. I walked out to the sheltered bus stop to wait for the next bus. I was able to make the connecting bus in town fairly easily. The bus trip to and from Kane'ohe went smoothly again.

I really have to laugh at these fuckheads who claim that I am a hypochondriac. I only visit the doctor once per year, albeit reluctantly. I am on no medication, and I have made it clear to the doctor that I wish to avoid any drug interventions. However, it's hella wise to be aware of one's body, especially if there are trouble signs. I was probably cocky when I was younger like these shitheads. However, my body has changed in the last three years, more than it had in the ten years prior. I've never had pains in my knees and other joints before. My one finger that I thought I broke is arthritic. Arthritic fingers become crooked. Of course, it all amounts to the fact that I write my thoughts in my personal journal. None of these dimwits can ever understand that these are thoughts. I am not "whining" to anybody. If a reader doesn't like it, then don't read the journal. Yes, it's that simple. Surely, these "winners" have something much more constructive to do. Heck, I remember when some of these self-righteous mofos tried to pull that same shit on Anonder. Anonder set 'em straight. He never got any shit again. The real reason, of course, is that these shitheads backed down when they realized that Anonder is in a higher economic strata than they are. Simply put, he has more clout. These same self-righteous dickheads threaten to leave and never come back. Yet, they keep coming back like a bad sitcom. What's worse, they come back even more self-righteous than before! That tells me something already. Anonder called 'em on it, too. It doesn't matter anyway because it will all come out in the wash.

Sunday January 2

From the movie, "Wild Things," here's the quote for the year:

Suzy (Nevé Campbell) is reading "Death on the Installment Plan" when Detectives Duquette (Kevin Bacon) and Pérez show up. Pérez notices the book. "It's Céline . . . got a pretty good line on what cheap fucks people are."

Great, isn't it? Cheap fucks — that about sums it all up. How about some New Year's resolutions? I ain't got any. I haven't fulfilled the ones from 20 years ago yet. Sheesh!

I have one other thought about Anonder. He and I do have one big difference — about $2 million! He makes hella more from the investment of that money than my total income for the year. He does not have to worry about taxes because it all comes from money being generated on its own. I, on the other hand, am engaged in wage slavery. My taxes are directly deducted from the fruits of my labor. In other words, I have to earn the money to pay the taxes. My investments cannot generate any money for the latter. I also have to make careful decisions about what I am going to divest. Why? Because I may not be able to replace them ever again. If Anonder changed his mind, he could restore his old life-style, complete with the sausage-shaped sofa, in the wink of an eye. The sale of my six-four will yield just enough money to purchase the Apple® PowerBook. Hence, I have decided that I cannot make that purchase. The decision to divest Chez Loser is still up in the air, pending other factors. Once I sell the place, I will never qualify to purchase anything else. My income is now too low. I am not going to put much effort into financial planning, as I said before. I will just try to insure that I do not end up penniless. Mind you, I am in a severe negative cash flow situation right now. I will see how long I can tolerate the latter before making a final decision.

The storm did not bring heavy rains or high velocity winds. However, precipitation was continuous for most of the evening. The weather cleared up by early morning. I decided to embark on the same old benign journey to Chez Loser. I spent all of 20 minutes there. The bus ride to and from Kane'ohe went like clockwork again. When I returned to Hawai'i Kai, I hiked up Koko Head. I picked up the pace to see if that would provoke more heart palpitations. Strangely, I experienced nothing out of the ordinary. By the way, if I was a fucking hypochondriac, I would have been in bed with a hot water bottle. Later, I finished preparing my six-four for its new owner. I also decided to unceremoniously discard my decrepit dress shoes. I was tempted to glue the soles again and wear them for another year. So, it looks as though I will finally break in the Rockport® shoes. I'll spend the evening with my iBook. I'll also listen to Hearts of Space on my Bose® Acoustic Wave. I may as well enjoy the Bose® now because it is up for divestiture next.

Monday January 3

Forgive me, my friends. I've been a little testy lately, most likely because of my return to wage slavery. Well, there's also the issue of the mysterious heart palpitations. And, I am parting ways with my beloved six-four. My six-four has been with me for 14 years. It's been a trusty and reliable friend. It was there when I was homeless. Heck, it was my home. It also made the trip to Oregon and finally to Hawai'i with me. Driving in Hawai'i has been a nightmare. I am a Cali driver. So, it's best this way. Will I ever purchase another car? I seriously doubt it. Not in Hawai'i. I'd be better off with a large-screen plasma tube. Sheesh!

I met up with Tim at the Satellite City Hall after my class at the Asylum. He gave me $2,900 in cash and a check. I am a little worried about the check. The transfer of ownership was a quick process. He then took the bus out to Hawai'i Kai. I restored my military haircut. I chatted with Pseudo-professor Ralph and his son in the faculty computer room at the Diploma Mill. I didn't get any work done. I managed to call and terminate my car insurance. I went to the gym afterward. I noted about 35 episodes of heart palpitations during my 35 minute workout. Then, I caught the first express bus back to Hawai'i Kai. I was a little depressed when I was standing by the bus stop. My six-four has been the best vehicle I have ever owned. It also went through the most adventures with me. Tears welled in my eyes. Foolish, I know. I began to regret my decision. I realized that I am not really a slave to my possessions. I have taken very good care of my possessions and, in return, my possessions have proven to be extremely reliable. It's all for the better. I have only maintained the bare minimum insurance coverage. In a litigation-crazed society, such a choice is foolish. Although I only drove my six-four on rare occasions, that does not preclude accidents from occurring. My propensity for road rage has increased my liability. Overall, sad as it may be, the decision was for the better. It's the end of another era.

My cell phone is also up for divestiture. Even at the lowest rate plan, it costs $300 per year for the service. I have received only two phone calls in the past month. My total time of usage is about about six minutes. The phone no longer accepts calls, so it does not log them either. Unless someone leaves a message, I have no idea if there were any calls at all. My gym membership costs about $430 per year. There is a possibility that I could simply buy some cheesy all-in-one fitness equipment and drop the gym membership. All of that is chump change in comparison to the outflow of cash for Chez Loser. After I file my taxes at the end of the month, I will be able to better ascertain its disposition. For now, that decision is up in the air.

Tuesday January 4

I neglected to mention that the Asylum's management was in an uproar over Ernie last week. Apparently, the fools finally discovered that Ernie had persuaded a number of students to join him at Roach's sham school. The Asylum had placed all its eggs one basket, namely the medical office program. Ernie stomped on that basket real good. The stupid part is that many of us knew these facts over a month ago. Shirley sent e-mail yesterday. She's still illin'. She stopped by Chez Loser on Sunday again, but I was long gone by then. Shirley wants us to get together this weekend. We will have to arrange a time in order to avoid any mix-ups.

An uneventful day. After I finished my classes at the Asylum, I walked to the Diploma Mill. I did not do much. Then, I went to the gym. I did not experience any heart palpitations during my 35 minute cardio workout. Or, the palpitations were minor ones. The heart monitor on the Transporter-like machine was registering different heart rates at times. Strange. I left town on the first express bus. I will spend a relaxing evening with my iBook. I may even listen to the psychotic classical pieces on public radio. The next two days will be spent shuttling to and from the Kaiser Moanalua Clinic with the Holter monitor.

Life has become surreal once again. I find that I am not taking anything very seriously anymore. As an example, the piranha pit was in full swing at the Asylum today. I simply kept myself out of it. The divestiture of the second largest of my possessions was a radical departure from the mainstream. That event has altered my perception of reality. What exactly do I need anymore? Most of the things we own are either to entertain us because we are locked in the "existential vacuum" or to provide higher levels of convenience. We are fooled into believing that leisure and convenience are essential to maintain our life-style. Yet, both only lead to spititual decadence, intellectual atrophy, and physiological decline. The id constantly yearns for the shiny, new object. With so much easy credit available, there is little imperative to exercise restraint. It should, of course, be no concern of mine what other people do. However, we live in a very connected society, in more ways than imaginable. The ramifications of one's actions are often widespread, local and global. Our desire to fulfill "rugged individualism" further exacerbates the situation through the squandering of resources. There can only be a few people like the ol' lavahead in modern society. Otherwise, that society would cease to exist.

Wednesday January 5

This was an interesting day. As usual, I have discussions with other faculty about the situation at the Asylum. The enrollment is dropping, which is going to affect out employment. The real problem is poor leadership and mismanagement. "A fucking chimp with a bell could have turned this place around by now," I said (i.e., ask the chimp a question and, if he rings the bell, then the answer is "yes"). In the meantime, the treachery is increasing. Kevin is proving to be one of the more nefarious of the bunch. His time is coming.

After my class, I was chatting with a number of people. I didn't realize that my appointment at the Kaiser Moanalua Clinic was at 1pm. I rushed to the Diploma Mill and ropped my stuff off. I was able to board the No. 54 bus at 12:45pm. I am surprised that I made it there just five minutes late. Adele was my cardiology technician. She was quite humorous. She's an older Asian babe, probably in her thirties. The first thing she said was, "You're fifty? You don't look fifty. You're in great shape." She also kept calling me "Sweetie." She asked about what kind of heart problems I was having. I described the strange palpitations. I also told her that I was going to the gym afterward because the symptoms occurred during my cardio workout. She told me about three of her friends who keeled over from heart attacks. They were gym people, but they were doing some of those "performance" drugs. Adele apparently goes to the gym as well. She had to shave the hair on my chest in order to paste the probes on me. "Do you have a wife or significant other who would mind? Sometimes they tend to get upset," she asked. "No, I'm not married," I replied. "And, there's no one who would care about that." Adele then told me that she's single as well. She attached the probes and gave me instructions on logging the events. She also mentioned that she had to wear the Holter monitor a while back. Stress from a breakup apparently caused her to have some heart symptoms. She gave me some tips to insure that I would not dislodge the probes. She asked if I slept on my back, sides, or stomach. Then, she said, "When you go to sleep with me . . ." She immediately corrected herself. She gave me a few more instructions. I left the clinic. I had to wait for another bus going Westbound. I got off the next stop, which was up a long hill. I had to walk along the overpass to get to the other side of the freeway where the Eastbound bus stop was. The bus heading to town came within minutes.

When I arrived in town, I gathered up my belongings and went to the gym. I did my usual workout. I had to keep the log with me. During the cardio part of my workout, I had to stop about four times to log what I thought were heart palpitations. They were so minor that I wasn't sure. Nothing like ones I had experienced on Monday. Strange. After the gym, I walked back to the Diploma Mill. By the way, I managed to send an e-mail to Shirley today. I told her that I sold my six-four and gave her some minor details about the Holter monitor. She sent e-mail later in the afternoon. She wrote, "What up, Boo? You sold the Jeep?! Now how are you going to get a date? I hope you're planning on purchasing a car. It doesn't have to be brand new. You could find a cheap used one. I know, you don't want another car. But if you do end up dating in the future, it would be a good idea to get one." I sent an e-mail reply stating that dating is not a priority for me. Trying to stay alive is my number one priority. Sheesh!

Thursday January 6

I had to take a sponge bath last night. I washed my upper body in the laundry washtub. I used a bucket and a hand towel to wash my bottom half. I still felt unclean. A sponge bath will not suffice after a gym workout. Interestingly, I tried to imagine that the wiring and the Holter monitor unit were geriatric life support equipment. What a pain in the ass! I cannot imagine being tethered to anything like that. No wonder a lot of old codgers are always in a bad way. My Panda Express fortune cookie's fortune read, "Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you."

I was in a bad way because of the discomfort of the Holter monitor. I was able to log a few more minor palpitations. I rode the bus to the Kaiser Moanalua Clinic again after my classes at the Asylum. Adele was there when I arrived. She took the probes off, which was a relief. I mentioned that I was not able to log too many palpitations, if that's what they even were. She said that many patients have gone similar experiences. On the day they wear the Holter monitor, little or nothing happens. In about a week, the results will be sent to my physician. Until then, we'll just have to wait and see. I went to the gym after I returned to town. During my cardio workout, I counted about 17 strong palpitations. What a joke! After the gym, I left town on the first express bus.

I've been listening to the psychotic classical pieces on public radio, courtesy my Bose® Acoustic Wave. I might as well enjoy it while I can. I will set up my schedule of divestiture soon. I am looking at all of my remaining possessions with a critical eye. If Anonder can reduce his worldy goods to one duffel bag, so can I. Can I really part with everything? As I've stated before, I will not be able to replace anything. Selling all my crap is not going to make me financially solvent. It simply reduces the number of things that I have to store, maintain, and transport. Tentatively, full divestiture is the goal for the year. I have to prepare for the geriatric life!

To be continued ... Go to E.16

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