The Exodus Files
The Truth

Monday February 7, 2005

I was unable to connect to the modem pool at a speed higher than 14.4KB/sec last night. Needless to say, my connection to the outside world was severely hampered. I believe that I came really close to losing my mind. Moms' peculiar quirks are also getting to me. I am privy to the constant smell of bleach and mixed chemicals in the house. In addition, I must often see food served on those pathetic styrofoam plastic trays. The oven is being used as a storage area. I discovered hundreds of trays in there. Incidentally, those trays are what meat and fish items are packaged with at the supermarket. Yes, moms saves them to serve food. I anticipate that moms will live for another ten years and be fully ambulatory, but I am worried about the increasing eccentric behavior. Will it become even more pronounced? There are other quirks as well. Moms is obsessed with saving every drop of water, yet there is little regard for energy conservation. Cutting the grass in the whole yard with a pair of scissors is another worrisome trend. Actually, the list is almost endless already. This kind of nonsense does little for my nerves. I can never relax in moms' house until moms goes to sleep, usually at 9pm. That's why I go to Chez Loser on the weekends. There really is no escape from life in general. Insanity, as Anonder once stated, may be the only real escape.

I scanned the cable channels yesterday. It's a vast wasteland. I am trying to figure out how The Master can watch this mindless crap day in and day out. For that matter, I cannot understand how anyone can watch that crap. Even the news is unreliable and mindless. However, the tube had a numbing effect. I found that I was able to relax and free my mind of troubled thoughts. I did not realize how much bullshit continues to circulate in my mind. I've been under subliminal stress for a long time. I have had no escape. I could have accomplished the same thing by taking up reading. However, I am inclined to read material that stresses me out even more. These days, the stress is from "geriatric anxiety." It's really a continuation of unresolved mid-life crisis issues.

There are troubling signs at the Asylum. "Samhain" has designated Kim, the Director of Education, and Josephine, the Financial Aid Director, to share the duties of running the operation. Vivian, the Human Resources person, was quite upset by all of this. Kim is now her boss. Everyone suspects that major pay raises were given out to the two in question. In the meantime, all of the faculty are waiting around like sitting ducks for the next idiotic move. I asked Kevin if he was looking for a job. He said no. He, like the others, are willing to take the gamble and wait until the ax falls. Kevin will stop at nothing to get as many classes as he can. I'm sure that he's already backstabbed most of us. I have observed that he is getting a little pudgy. He now has a pronounced double chin. It's hard to believe his stories of poverty and how he's eating Ramen noodles every night when he is clearly gaining weight. In addition, he brings a full course meal with him every day. He has become extremely brazen with his lies.

I went to the gym later to do my usual workout. Then, I spent the rest of the afternoon at the Diploma Mill. I have decided on a two-fold strategy to insure my employment. Since this is already Spring, I am too late to be considered by any institution for the current term. I am going to speak to the head of the new Teaching Education Center at the Diploma Mill. I actually already know Valentina and her assistant, Gayle. This new program works in conjunction with the Department of Education for K-12 teacher preparation. Rumor has it that the public schools are hurting for teachers in several disciplines including math. Teachers are being hired on a contingency basis, that is, contingent on future certification and licensure. I am also finally going to send out my curriculum vita to the community colleges. I have to make some kind of move because I have finally realized what "Samhain" is up to. He is downsizing the Asylum to something that he's more comfortable with. He is going to reduce the "campus" to a few rooms similar to the medical assisting school on the second floor. There will probably be only four or five faculty and a handful of staff people left after the next cut. All of the offices on the first floor will be moved upstairs after "Samhain" breaks the lease. It makes sense. If he can cram 300 students into five classrooms cycled throughout the day and evening, he will increase his profit per student exponentially. The Asylum has also dropped all remedial classes, although it is fairly obvious that almost all of the students need the latter. This move was necessitated because the admissions staff were allowing potential students to take the placement exams several times to score better. Now, they don't even bother. As long as a person has a heartbeat, then he or she will qualify for a student loan. The Asylum is now a total sham.

I felt a little better today. However, I was still experiencing pangs of "geriatric anxiety." The eleventh-hour is coming up, and I see no relief in sight. I only have myself to blame, I suppose. I lost control of my life. Anonder made a comment on Speak! IV concerning the babe situation. He believes that we are really similar, and he's probably correct. He is certain that I could not endure a normal "partner sex" relationship. He's most likely correct. My last relationship with Lori was doomed to failure in the long run. She actually drove down from Oregon to meet me in Cali. We were two single people with nothing else better to do. So, we started up a fling. I don't know what else to call it, and I don't mean anything derogatory. I was supposed to move back to Hawai'i when I left Convalescent City. I promised to visit Lori in Oregon, which I did. I ended up staying there for nine months. It was a surreal time. Neither of us were really working, so we took advantage of our fling. We slept in late every day. We did da wild thing four or five times every day. And, we just enjoyed life. We had no cares in the world. It was the best time in my life, and I know that I will never experience anything like that ever again. It was more than a fling. It was a magic time.

Well, here's some interesting tidbits about Hawai'i. The state ranks 22nd in the nation for personal income, yet it has the highest taxes per person in the nation. We also have the highest petrol prices. The cost of living ranks seventh highest in the nation, and home prices are the fourth highest. Amazing, isn't it? I believe that the unit above Chez Loser is going to be rented at $1,700 per month. I saw the ad in the paper last week. That's the highest I have seen so far.

Tuesday February 8

As you probably guessed, the Myspace experiment was a failure. So far, my "space" has received zero views. Thus, I have had no "adds." That means I have no Myspace friends, except that idiot Tom who is everyone's friend. I may delete Tom. Then, I will have zero friends, just like in real life. Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaa! I also joined every possible Myspace group. Most people spend a lot of time sprucing up their "space." I have refrained from doing so because it is totally idiotic. If I want to really waste time, I can watch the tube at Chez Loser. I have, however activated the cheesy "blog" option. Sometimes there will be nonsense included there that I neglect put in the journal, but only important stuff goes in the journal.

An uneventful day. I have still not followed through with my contingency plans for employment. Most of my day is filled with a variety of task that I must fulfill as a pseudo-professor. I chatted with Pseudo-professors Ralph and Cathrine today. In a most candid conversation, Pseudo-professor Ralph expressed that he may not get that full-time dream faculty position. In retrospect, he thinks that she chose the wrong discipline. He is obtaining his PhD in American Studies. This is not good news. Naturally, I am in the same boat, but I have no doctorate. The blonde hottie was on the express bus this afternoon. Both ends of the large rear seat were occupied, so I sat where she usually sits on the seats perpendicular to the rear seat. She sat in the middle of the rear seat at first. Then, she moved to the seat across from me. She was talking on her cell phone the whole way. She is a hottie!

The Mardi Gras celebration is happening tonight at the Aloha Tower Marketplace. Many of my students are going. Some members of the Sad Lonely Losers Club are also going. I now get about 30 pieces of broadcast e-mail per day from the group. They are very much operating like the little group we had two Summers ago. I have not yet gotten beyond the "lurking" stage. There are now plans for Loserfest 2005 at Kailua Beach, if you can believe it. The group now has over 40 members with a large number of babes.

Wednesday February 9

Last night, moms was frantically looking for her new glasses. I asked moms what the new pair looked like. Moms said that the frames were similar to the old pair except that the color was white. Then, she pulled out the case with the old glasses. "Then, what are you wearing?" I kept asking. It turns out that mos was wearing the new glasses all along. This is really only the beginning of the challenges as moms grows older.

An uneventful day. I kept a low profile at the Asylum. I kept my distance from Kevin because I am can barely tolerate his shenanigans anymore. I chatted with a few of the other faculty. So far, all is quiet. Sierra, the registrar, is very frustrated. She must constantly comply with all of the changes that Kim makes on a whim. I may end up with three classes in the next term. I am slated for four classes after that, two of which are in the evening. Many of the students are quite upset by all of the last minute changes. I went to the gym after I proctored a set of make-up exams at the Diploma Mill. On the way, I saw Pseudo-professor Dorothy walking around Fort Street Mall. She said that her classes were going on a walking field trip through Chinatown. "Where should I take them?" she asked. "Take them to a bar," I replied. She laughed. I told her of the latest happenings with the Sad Lonely Losers Club. She still wants to join. Dave, one of my former students, has finally gotten the paperwork together to form a paintball club. I am going to be the advisor. I was supposed to be the advisor for Rico's martial arts club, but that never came about. I spent the rest of the afternoon sprucing up my Myspace. There's not much that I can do with one pathetic page template. However, it looks better now. I am not going to do much else with it. I will write a few blog entries for it. So far, it still has zero page views. No new friends either.

Thursday February 10

Vanessa sent me a V-Day card in the mail. She wrote a nice note to thank me for all I've done over the years that I've known. her. I have no idea what she's doing, but I don't think that she progressed much since I've known her as a student. For some reason, she's living at her quasi-BoyToy's place. Naturally, he actually lives in his parent's place. Caroll called and left a message this morning. She's gotten laid off from her job and, from the cryptic message, I gather that she wants to ask a favor. I suspect that she wants to borrow money. It has become obvious to me that babes are a major source of problems. Anonder was quite astute in pointing this out in his journal. His advice to sever ties with all people are sound. Babes seem to be the worst of the lot, and I am not saying this as a misogynist. Modern babes have many issues. They are spoon-fed all of the current man-hating bullshit. Then, they are empowered by Oprah and all of the other media windbags. Yet, in the end, they must always turn to guys to rescue them. I have another case in point.

Shirley called to see if I wanted to go to lunch. We ended up somewhere that I've never been to. All of a sudden, Shirley seems to know all of these eateries in town. It turns out that she's has been hanging out with a couple of Seth's buddies. They work downtown. Shirley mentioned that she's been sick since last Thursday. She's had some kind of flu. She ran a fever for several days. "My parents took good care of me," she said. She also had to go to the doctor. Her car is fixed, most likely thanks to her father. She didn't feel like driving today, so "daddy" dropped her off. She said that she's sick of school. She is also very "unmotivated" this semester. She's tired of getting up to go to classes, although her earliest class is at 10:50am. I asked her what she's going to do when she has to work. "I'll be getting paid then," she replied, implying that money will change everything. That's the way most of my students think. I mentioned that her partying could be part of the problem. "I just want to have fun," she rebutted. I reminisced that partying in my time used to cost me at least $40 per night. She agreed with me, so I am sure that she's spending a lot of money. I tried to find out why she's gone off on this "fun" binge. "I'm being me," she said. Shirley has also been hanging out at Seth's place. Well, he lives with his parents. He apparently works at a gas station. Right now, he is using a  scooter to get around because his driver's license is suspended due to a DUI violation. Shirley really likes him because he makes her laugh. He's a happy-go-lucky kind-of-a-guy. In other words, he's a "bad boy." By the way, Seth's mother wants Shirley as a daughter-in-law. I'm sure that it's plainly obvious where this is going. If Shirley did not have her parents, she would be in deep shit by now. She is turning 25 in April, so she's not a kid. She seems to have a lot of respect for Seth's friends, who hold full-time jobs and are able to go partying every night of the week. I must be old-fashioned, but that sounds highly irresponsible. I am glad that Shirley keeps in touch, although it's really just a token effort. We are merely acquaintances now. She spends a lot of time on Myspace networking with her old high school friends. That's the party connection. I hear sad stories almost every day about locals who continue to do this crap way into their forties. Then, they discover that life has passed them by. Sound familiar?

With Shirley and Caroll off on a different plane, I find that I have no friends left. Babes as friends have always a problem for me. And, it not a matter of the types of babes whom I befriend or hook up with. All babes are this way now. This really makes it much easier for me to divest my cell phone. I must also find someone else to be the executor of my puny estate. No matter what, I am proud of Shirley because she will graduate with a degree, whether she uses it or not. I am disappointed about her new life-style. However, there's nothing I can do. Her Myspace network has far more influence over her than I do.

Friday February 11

I was unable to connect to the modem pool last night. For the past three days, I have had increasing problems. I'm not sure if it's the modem pool or the modem in my iBook. Without the Net, I'm pretty much left with nothing to do. I can't even listen to music because my bro's shit is still stacked up in the warehouse. He supposedly bought a new truck. The bedliner is sitting outside in the yard. My guess is that he's decided the truck is too new to use for work. Why didn't he just keep the old truck? He bought that one just about three years ago. It's become apparent that everyone around me is going berserk. So, it's up to me to keep myself from going in that direction. The whole world is going to hell in a handbasket.

I neglected to mention that Pseudo-professor Bill invited me to go to the UH baseball game. I doubt that I will go. I am finally completing a few fixes for the journal using style tags. There's a lot of work that needs to be done. I am not even finished pruning some of the old chapters. What I find really interesting is the disclosure by Shirley that the former friend is probably still perusing the journal. I am still convinced that the only time Shirley reads the journal is when someone tells her something. Shirley is not a regular reader. She's not even a sporadic reader. Otherwise, she would know a lot more than she does. She doesn't even know that the ol' lavahead is on Myspace.

An uneventful day. Aside from my classes at the Asylum, I ended up spending most of the day on the Net. I added two new friends to my Myspace. I'm on a roll now! This was the result of "friend requests," as they are called. One of the people is from the Sad Lonely Losers Club. The club is planning a lot of activities. However, it seems to be difficult to organize because all of it is being done through broadcast e-mail. There's a hike scheduled for Sunday in Aiea. However, there is much uncertainty about whether it will happen or not. Most of us have made our phone numbers available. So, the final planning has to be done by phone. Incidentally, I've been writing stuff for my Myspace "blog." It's not the same as the journal, but it certainly kills time. As always, I did manage to fit the gym in sometime this afternoon.

I saw Anne at the bus stop. We both noted that the weather made an abrupt change in less than an hour. It was quite sunny at 4pm. However, heavy showers started up at 5pm. In fact, it was pouring when we finally boarded the express bus. The blonde hottie was also on the bus. She sat in the back again. Anne and I were sitting on the rear seat. The rain was really coming down by the time we reached Kuli'ou'ou. Anne got off at the stop before her usual one. The blonde hottie got off at next stop. Just before the stop, she told me her plan about how she was going to cross the street as quick as possible. I laughed. She is a hottie. If I had my umbrella, I would have given it to her. Oddly, the part of Hawai'i Kai where moms lives was spared any rain for the time being.

I tried to connect to the modem pool this evening. Once again, I was denied. I had talked with a technician earlier. He said that the modem pool was operational. I ran the hardware diagnostics for my iBook. Everything checked out fine. I then trashed the preferences file for the modem. That didn't help. The modem generates a log file, which I always have open. As far as I could tell, the modem is operational. The modem is set to return verbose commands. I finally set the log-on to use a terminal window. I had to type in the log-on data. The terminal mode revealed the problem. My account has been terminated because the log-on was rejected. The modem log does not indicate the latter. It only advises me of an authentication problem. It's a good thing that I sent off a V-Day e-Card to Shirley earlier today. My bro stopped by while I was working on the computer. He finally got his new truck. So, he did a little work on it. He is coming back tomorrow to install the racks and toolbox. Shortly after he left, it started pouring. Looks like we're in for a wet weekend. I don't think that the hike in Aiea is going to take place.

Saturday February 12

I was completely unnerved last night. Without the Net, I have absolutely nothing to do. I am not sure how I am going to resolve this situation. I am on the Net every night for a few hours. I cannot be cut off "cold turkey" like this. My dependence on the Net became all too obvious. I will not last a week. So, I ended up spending all might reading portions of LoserNet. Then, I realized that LoserNet has been in existence for ten years. The 10th anniversary is this month. February 24th, to be exact. Ten years of the ol' lavahead's life is recorded here (with the exception of the one year that was pruned). It's compelling reading.

I departed for Chez Loser at 8:45am. When I arrived in town, I walked to the Diploma Mill. I spent about an hour in the faculty computer room. I had to upload the journal amongst other mundane computer tasks. I was able to talk with another technician. I discovered that the modem pool has been down since Thursday, most likely because of problems with the authentication server. There is no telling when the system will be back up again. At least I knew that my iBook was not the problem. I caught the next bus to Kane'ohe. I stopped off at Safeway to buy some energy bars and a big-ass bottle of wine. When I finally arrived at Chez Loser, I immediately turned my new LCD wide-screen tube on. Since it was raining, I did not have much else to do. I drank almost all of the remaining wine from last week. I sat and watched a few mindless programs. Kahi, one of the main members of the Sad Lonely Losers Club, called an left a message. She was calling about the hike in Aiea tomorrow. I was quite hammered before I departed at 3pm. When I arrived back in town, I walked back to the Diploma Mill. I ended up in the student computer lab to check my e-mail. I have yet another new Myspace friend, bringing my total up to four now. I finished up in time to catch the next bus to Hawai'i Kai.

My bro was at moms' house when I returned. He was working on his truck. We ended up talking and dropping back quite a few brewskis until my bro left at 11:15pm. I pretty much kept him company while he installed his racks and toolbox. It rained for most of the evening. I am certain that I won't be going on the hike tomorrow. It will be too wet and muddy, given the amount of rain tonight. In addition, I would have to leave at 7am on the bus to get there in time. I'll be going back to Chez Loser and also stopping off at the Diploma Mill instead. By the way, I did attempt to call Caroll the other day. She answered the phone, but she kept saying that she couldn't hear me. She then hung up. I have not called back.

Sunday February 13

I was actually thankful that my bro came by yesterday. I have no idea what I would have done all evening. The weather cleared up this morning, although it was much colder than usual. I was a little groggy from drinking all that booze yesterday. Obviously, I did not make the Aiea hike. The hike would have been nice, but I have no idea which bus goes by the area in question. The situation is quite interesting now. Ever since I sold my six-four, I have been less mobile. Then, I decided to join a social group (read: Sad Lonely Losers Club). Now, I cannot get around to the activities. Most of the group's communication is done through e-mail. I presently have no Net access. This is truly a comedy of errors.

I departed for Chez Loser at 9:45am with the usual load of recycling. I arrived in Kane'ohe at 11:30am. Naturally, my day consisted of cheap wine and innocuous programs on the tube. I called Caroll. She seems to be doing fine. She supposedly has another job lined up. This will probably be my last call to Caroll. I am just about ready to terminate my cell phone service. The only other person whom I talk with on the phone is Shirley. That's usually once every week to arrange to meet for lunch. I am sure that even the Sad Lonely Losers Club will soon organize activities and put all the details on the Net. I had a few glasses of wine to pass the time as well. Then, I left for town. I had to go to one of the student computer labs at the Diploma Mill to upload the journal and check e-mail. This situation is getting more pathetic by the day.

I went for my tanning hike up Koko Head after I returned to Hawai'i Kai. My knees are both beginning to give out. My left knee always feels like it's not in its socket. There is pain in both knees, especially when I am climbing up a hill. I can imagine what might have happened on the Aiea hike. I am becoming quite frustrated with these physical ailments. My knees were giving me trouble over a year ago. However, it has only been recently that the pain has become pronounced. Coincidentally, I read an article in this morning's paper about knee surgery. It seems that knee problems are quite prevalent in old age. That's no consolation. I am beginning to doubt that I will ever do another aerobics or step class again.

I neglected to mention that Uncle Shigeru on pops' side of the family has passed on, at least that's what my bro said. No one hs heard anything about the funeral. I would assume that it has to be sometime this week. My bro also told me that his truck is not new. He bought it for $12,000 less $2,300 trade-in for his old truck. He paid another $2,000 for an extended warranty. He's making payments, although he claims he could have bought it in cash. I'm not sure what my bro is doing, but I have a feeling he got taken for a ride. Well, I'll spend the rest of the evening listening to the psychotic classical pieces on public radio, courtesy my Bose® Acoustic Wave. I have no Net access, so what else can I do? It's too bad my wide-screen LCD tube is not here. Then, I could really zone out. However, unlike Chez Loser, there's no cable service.

V-Day 2005

Well, here it is! V-Day is upon us once again. Sheesh! Last night, I ended up listening to House Music, specifically my favorite Bargrooves collection. I was having a One-Man House Party. Remember the days back at the Roach Motel in Convalescent City? I had many One-Man House Party sessions back then. There's nothing like House Music to set the mood, even on a dismal singles day like this. Have you checked out the ol' lavahead's Myspace yet? He's actually been writing crap for the "blog." It's a little more humorous than the journal. The "blog" will taper off once the oversized cranium is able to access the Net again.

I was thinking about babes again. Why do I do this to myself? Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaa! Perhaps my Myspace persona is the real me. I've become extremely confused again. Therefore, I have once again declared a moratorium on the divestiture of my useless crap. Oh brother! Another uneventful day. I was able to restore my dial-up account. There apparently was nothing wrong with the authentication server. My account was screwed up, just I had initially thought. I did my usual workout at the gym. I paid my mortage as well. That's the extent of my V-Day. The blonde hottie was on the express bus. She sat in the back again, right in front of me on the perpendicular seats. She sat rigidly in her seat for most of the trip. I was looking outside at the major traffic jam caused by a broken water main in Niu Valley. What's odd is that, at one point, the hottie abruptly turned and looked straight back at the oversized cranium. I was still looking outside at the time. Very strange.

Shirley sent an eCard today. It was humous one about "chocolates, champagne, and sex." She mentioned that she was not too happy about V-Day. I already knew her mood because I had perused Myspace. She has apparently changed her profile. I have noted that she keeps mentioning how innocent she looks, but she's not really that way. I also noticed that she made one "blog" entry, the only one that she's ever made. Naturally, it was about V-Day. I've included the whole entry in my "blog." The key statement was, "I don't know, but I'm really not looking foward to spending Valentine's Day alone. How depressing ..." She had set her "Current Mood" as "Depressed." I kept her Myspace profile open as I did my other work. I observed that she was on and off Myspace all afternoon. Believe me, there's really nothing to do on Myspace. She was probably checking the messages of her friends. I sent a phone text message to thank her for the Card. I told her to not worry about V-Day and added, "Don't wait for your dream stud to show up on Myspace." She sent a text message back, laughing off my comment. Yet, she was back on Myspace several more times. I'm pretty certain that I know the situation. She started drinking and partying after the break-up with the last BoyToy. She said that she always does that after a break-up. The pattern continued, so I suspected that it may have turned into "senior-itis." Graduating from college usually brings on a last-minute spurt of partying. I should have known better. When she started hanging out with her old high school crowd, she was indoctrinated back in the old local ways. Locals think about hookin' up 24/7. Never mind that they cannot even afford to live on their own. Shirley wants another BoyToy real bad. She tries to cover it up when she talks with me. "I don't think I can handle another relationship right now," she said about a week ago. That's all bullshit. That also explains why she keeps trying to shed her "innocence." Yet, she is relatively innocent. All the guys know that she's not going to put out. And, until she does, she is still "innocent." There's not much I can do. I predict that I will only see Shirley up until May. After she graduates, I will probably not see her again for a long time. She'll be in Kailua, hanging out with her Myspace gang. I sure hope that it works out for her. I will always care about Shirley because she has been my friend for a while now. Nothing will change that.

Tuesday February 15

A grueling day. Shirley called while I was en route back to town on the Diploma Mill shuttle. She wasn't wearing any jeans today, so I exclaimed, "Shirley, you're all dolled up today!" We ended up eating Japanese food for lunch again. It's more expensive than Taco Bell, but it is probably healthier. She said that she's over the V-Day blues. She's apparently coaching under Ramona's staff again. In a way, I am glad. Ramona keeps Shirley in line. However, I worry about the other aspect. Ramona maintains a strong friendship with Shirley. Ramona is single and could remain that way forever. So is Ramona's friend, Tami. I often wonder if somehow they want to make sure that Shirley will end up that way so they will have permanent companionship. Shirley also mentioned that she received e-mail from the former friend. The former friend apparently sent a few pictures. "That's nice," I said, before changing the subject. Naturally, Shirley also discussed how she's getting fat. Once again, I had to tell her that she's a hottie. Sometimes I think she brings that up just for reinforcement. How many times do I have to tell her that she's a hottie? If she ever wore any "hoochie momma" clothes, then I would have to carry pepper spray. She also mentioned that she was in much better shape when she was in high school. "In other words, you were a real hottie," I added.

The bus was extrememly late this morning because of the water main break in Niu Valley. The blonde hottie boarded the bus in Kuli'ou'ou. She said something as she was just about to sit down. "Huh?" I asked, but she did not respond. She sat in the center of the long rear seat in the back. I was sitting near the window So, essentially, she was sitting almost next to me. During the bus ride, she listened to her iPod. As the bus finally approached town, she pulled out a bottle of mosturizer and rubbed them over her legs. She was wearing a dress. I got off at the stop nearest the Diploma Mill. That's the first stop in town. On other days, I get off at the third stop to go to the Asylum. The hottie always gets off at the second stop. Guess what She got off at the first stop with me. One of moms' neighbors was also on the bus. She got off at the stop as well. I was talking to the neighbor when I noticed the hottie. She walked up the street toward the second bus stop. Strange things. The blonde hottie was on the afternoon express bus as well. There was someone sitting in the perpendicular seat in front of me. I was in the back again. She sat on the seat directly across. I saw her looking over a couple of times. What is baby up to?

I am becoming a little worried about moms. Yesterday, moms was asking about pops' funeral. Moms couldn't remember if any food was served after the service. Moms couldn't sleep because she thought no food was served. Today, moms was frustrated because she ended going a wild goose chase. Apparently moms had all of the days crossed and went to the right places on the wrong day. I'm not sure what to do.

Wednesday February 16

An uneventful day. I chatted with Glen before I departed for the gym. He said that his wife resigned from her job about two weeks ago because of altercation with one of the managers. They also bought a new car. Now, they are surviving on Glen's income from the Asylum. There's no way they can buy a place now, he told me. I went to the gym to do my usual workout. After that, I ended up in the faculty computer room at the Diploma Mill. I have done nothing for weeks. All I do is piddle around with Myspace. My "blog" is still going. It is quite different from the journal. I actually enjoy writing it because it is a feeble attempt at humor. It kind of reminds me of the old days when I was compiling The Loser Living Upstairs. Incidentally, the tenth anniversary of LoserNet is coming up soon.

The blonde hottie almost missed the afternoon express bus. She was in the crosswalk on Alakea Street just as the bus was pulling away from the curb. She apparently works in one of the towers along Bishop Street. The bus was quite crowded. I was sitting on the rear seat. I put my gym bag on the seat next to the window because of some graffiti. Another babe was sitting at the other end. The perpendicular seats were full as well. There were only two seats left along the long rear seat. The blonde hottie sat in the seat right next to me. She immediately hooked up her iPod. Then, she ruffled nervously through what looked like junk mail. I had already made myself comfortable. I was stretched out with my head against the back panel. My arms were crossed over my lap. The hottie ruffled through the junk mail for about ten minutes. Then, she stretched out and put her head against the back panel. Her arms were crossed over her lap. By the way, she also wears her shades on the bus. I'm not sure if anyone else noticed that she and I were sitting in the exact same manner. At one point, I almost burst out laughing. It was just too funny. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see her look over at the oversized cranium a few times. She got off at her usual stop. Baby dresses really nice. She's definitely a hottie. She's also about Shirley's age. Well, that was the high point of the day.

Thursday February 17

An uneventful day. I am becoming more confused by the day. It's the damned "geriatric anxiety" kicking in again. I am beginning to question whether it is worth my time to continue the journal. The daily entries are pathetically redundant, which is indicative of the wage slave life-style. The addition of my "space" on Myspace has only made this situation more laborious. Most journal writers and "bloggers" run into this problem. What really is there to write about? With the tenth anniversary of LoserNet coming up, the significance of the journal as a media event becomes moot. This is all one big joke, a waste of time. It's probably the longest that I have committed to anything. Yet, it reaps no rewards. The satisfaction of maintaining the journal is long gone. I suppose that the "geriatric anxiety" has a hand in all of this. I don't particularly care to chronicle my physical and mental decline. One option is to discontinue the journal and transfer control over to the Myspace "blog." However, the "blog" is borderline fiction. I could do what other fatigued writers have done. I could concoct a hasty ending. Then, I can provide yearly addendums. It is by no coincidence that this issue comes up just one week before the tenth anniversary. Ten years is a long time. What have we accomplished in that time? That's the benchmark we must establish before going on any further.

Friday February 18

The Asylum is turning into the proverbial henhouse. Both Kim, Director of Education, and Josephine, Financial Aid Director, are using Vivian, the Human Resources person, as a scapegoat. I predict that, once Vivian leaves, the Asylum is going to erupt in a bitter power struggle between Kim and Josephine. The infrastructure of the Asylum is a complete mess. As for me, I managed to get a haircut and also go to the gym.

I was pleasantly surprised to see that Shirley had made a "friend request," so I added her to my Myspace friends. I find this quite suspicious since I had just mentioned yesterday in the "blog" that Shirley was not aware of my Myspace profile and, thus, she could not initiate a "friend request." Coincidence? You be the judge. Pseudo-professor Ralph signed up for a Myspace account as well. He calls himself "Steve McGarrett." Book 'em, Danno! Virtual homey, Mr. Ray, also set up an account, so I have more new friends. We were having a Myspace party in the faculty computer room at the Diploma Mill.

Moms had her tax returns prepared. One the way home, moms left the paperwork on the bus. The other day, moms made a cake. Something was missing because the cake ended up being an inch high and quite dense. Moms is still fully ambulatory, but I am getting worried. I doubt that moms has any long-term healthcare insurance. Moms also refuses to do a reverse mortgage on the house. So, I am wondering what will happen if moms becomes incapacitated. How will the medical bills be paid? In the meantime, moms is spending more money to replace the drapes in the former "warehouse." The old drapes would have sufficed. Then, I have to listen to moms complain about being broke. I still give moms some money for rent. However, I am very careful to not jeopardize my own financial situation. I pay off all of my own obligations first. What must be understood is that anything could happen at any time. Moms turns 84 years old in a week. I have no idea where moms keeps any important papers. I do not not know where the financial paperwork is located. Nor do I know anything about the living trust. As you can guess, when something does happen, it will turn into a major crisis.

Saturday February 19

I'm not sure what to make of today. Traffic was extremely heavy this morning. I had embarked on the benign journey to Chez Loser at 9:45am. Just about two minutes before the transfer point for Windward buses, two locals got into a domestic argument on the bus. The driver asked the clown to leave. He refused. So, she took the bus out of service. The driver and I both called the cops. I got off the bus and ran to the bus stop. I was able to catch the next bus. I was already in a perturbed state when I arrived at Chez Loser. I opened the doors as I usually do. I noticed that the screen door for the lanai entrance was off its track. I went outside to inspect the damage. I was able to put the door on its track. I inspected the glass doors and all the windows. There was no sign of any attempt to pry them open. I found that strange. I decided that I needed a few glasses of wine to calm my nerves. When I went outside to gather the newspapers which collect all week, I noticed that two days were missing. No paper has been missing before. I also figured that the pile of newspapers is what gave someone the idea that Chez Loser was ripe for the picking. I sat around and watched crappy programs on my new LCD wide-screen tube. I was about to dismiss the possible break-in as just that. Then, I noticed a few oddities inside Chez Loser. The rug in the living room was eight inches further from the wall than usual. It's a 5' by 8' rug. I've walked on that thing for a year and it hasn't moved an inch. Also, one of the pillows on the rattan settee was not in the proper place. I was about to leave, so I wasn't able to do a full forensic investigation.

Well, let me tell you what I think happened. I wish it wasn't true, but it probably is. Sometime after V-Day, Shirley was out partying with Seth and his buddies. They were actually out three nights according to what I can piece together from Myspace. On at least one of those evening, Shirley and Seth were hammered and let things get a little carried away. There was no way that they could go back to either of their parents' places, so they went to Chez Loser. I would assume that some kind of tryst took place on the living room rug. That's what it would take to move the rug eight inches. Seth probably went outside in the lanai to smoke. He was probably too forceful when he tried open the screen door. I will return to Chez Loser tomorrow to do a forensic examination. I will see if I can find cum stains on the rug or any of the beds. I will also see if there is a condom wrapper in the trash can. I sure hope that they didn't flush the spent condom down the toilet. It might plug it up. Well, I wish that I am wrong about this. I gave Shirley the keys to Chez Loser because I trust her. I asked her specifically to not bring anyone else over if she uses the place, primarily because I do not have liability insurance. Well, the good part is that somebody got laid in Chez Loser! The bad part? It wasn't the ol' lavahead.

On the way back to Hawai'i Kai, I stopped off at the Diploma Mill to use the computer lab. I received a Myspace e-mail from Shirley about my use of "third-person" in the "blog." I sent her back an e-mail explaining the latter, and I also brought up the attempted break-in. At that time, I was still not convinced that my second hypothesis was possible. After I sent the e-mail, I had time to think about it. I have not heard back from Shirley, even though she's been on Myspace since. I was quite perturbed after dinner, so I spent a couple of hours at Kahala Mall. I have more to say, but I just can't bring myself to write it.

Sunday February 20

I decided to hold off on filing a police report until I do some more investigating. I don't want to end up looking like a fool if there was no break-in attempt. I will have to speak with some of the neighbors to see if anyone observed anything during the week. By the way, I did not expect Shirley to call me and tell if she was ever going to Chez Loser. However, I would assume that she would have told me something if she screwed up the screen door herself. Shirley also had told me that she would never go to Chez Loser unless I was there. So, all of this is puzzling.

I did not sleep well last night. I was up quite early and on my way to Chez Loser. Upon arrival, I did a quick forensic examination. I was not able to find anything else out of the ordinary. I was not able to speak with any of the neighbors either. If I happen to be there tomorrow, I will make it a point to see the neighbors. I have decided to dismiss this whole adventure. Nothing was really broken, and nothing was stolen. I had a couple of glasses of wine to calm my nerves. However, I became more agitated. I departed at 2pm. I was able to return to Hawai'i Kai and go on my tanning hike up Koko Head. After that, I did my yardboy chores.

To be honest with you, I lapsed into melancholia this afternoon. Deep down inside, I knew that my hunch about what happened is true, if not real close to the truth. I am so disappointed. I never did hear back from Shirley. My e-mail was vague enough to allow for discussion. By now, she should have read my thesis both in the journal and the "blog." I am assuming that the silence is a confirmation of the latter. When I was doing my yardboy chores, I really felt like a loser. Here I am paying both a mortgage and rent, and I am doing yardboy chores. All of these other mofos live rent-free, and they can come and go as they please. My life is slipping away. Moms refuses to face the facts that the house is too big for her to take care of. Every day, I am burdened by the fact that something could happen to moms. None of us are prepared to respond to that situation. Financially, my bro and I are going to get hit hard. This is only a few years up the road. I would have to hock everything if moms ends up in a convalescent home. The same goes for my bro. We'll both end up bankrupt. Then, to have a trusted friend doin' da wild thing in Chez Loser is the frosting on the cake. Moms also has everything in the former "warehouse" stacked in the center of the room in order to clean the walls. I barely have enough room to sit and piddle around with my iBook. I also will not be able to listen to Hearts of Space this evening. I should have just stayed at Chez Loser.

Monday February 21

The novelty of Myspace has worn off, particularly in view of the current situation. I have decided to mummify my activities on Myspace, and let the existing page take care of itself. Almost all functions are disabled. I plan to taper the "blog" entries as well. This sure is a fucking shitty way to celebrate the tenth anniversary of LoserNet. I stepped out again last night. I ended up at Barnes & Noble just like the night before. I chatted a bit with the bus driver of the bus heading to Kahala. He was the driver of the bus that I caught every night when I was on the Asylum night shift. And, one of the Barnes & Noble employees recognized me. That made my day. I felt human again. These past two days, I've felt like shit. I have gotten no clarification about what happened at Chez Loser, so I'm pretty certain that my hunch was correct.

Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaa! Actually, I really don't care about that crap. Sure, I was perturbed at first. I'm not real hot on the idea of people fucking in my living room at my convenience. Shit always happens. We just needed a little drama to ring in the tenth year at LoserNet. People come and go in our lives. It's part of the "throwaway" society. Well, I went to the gym early this morning. I was surprised to see my favorite Asian babe there. Remember her from almost two years ago? She's still hot. I attempted to make the benign journey to Chez Loser at 10;34am. Moms was cooking food to take to my boro's place. Moms has to watch my nephew tomorrow. I felt bad that I didn't stay around long. So, I got off at Aina Haina. The bus heading back to Hawai'i Kai was a little late, thank goodness. I was able to go back and eat a hot dog for lunch with moms. I felt much better. I returned to Hawai'i because of my parents, and I need to live up to that obligation. Moms is the only person who cares about the ol' lavahead.

After lunch, I made the benign journey to Chez Loser. I got off at Safeway to buy a bottle of fake "Hammer." I was at wit's end. I was feeling quite pitiful. In addition, I had read in the paper of the suicide of Hunter S. Thompson, a guru from my generation. I can understand why Thompson did himself in. He was 67 years old. He probably couldn't accept the senior citizen life-style. Can you blame him? This was the third day that I drank myself into a stupor. I know that I am doing myself in. I've got to get out of this rut, or I am going to end up like Thompson. I departed at 4pm. While I was standing at the bus stop, I chatted with Glen. He was shopping at Long's. He kept me company until my bus arrived. His wife is still not working. He's not sure what they are going to do. After I arrived back in Hawai'i Kai, I did more yardboy chores. I felt much more committed to my chores.

I received a Myspace e-mail from Shirley. She claims to have gone to Chez Loser this week after her night class. She took a nap while she waited for Seth to get off from work. They were going out. She has been using Chez Loser as a safe-haven from her parents. They must be complaining to her about going out so much. She apparently went out and got hammered on three weeknights. Then, on Friday, she and Seth went to Dave & Busters and also saw a movie. Saturday, she went out partying with the gang. On Sunday, she had to go to her sister's wedding rehearsal. And, tonight she's going to a UH basketball game with Ramona. Remember when she wouldn't even go out with our group? I guess that Seth's gang is a lot more fun. She's also got a thing for one of Seth's friends. Well, at least I know that no one was doing da wild thing on the rug in the living room at Chez Loser. Yet, I gave to wonder why it took so long to tell me this. I've been watching Shirley become much more irresponsible ever since she's been hanging out with Seth's gang. She's drinking and cussing a lot more, amongst other bad habits. People we associate with usually determine how we end up. It really makes a difference to have quality association. Nothing that I tell Shirley will change anything. She wants to be with the "in" crowd. So be it. Essentially, it does not matter. Shirley and I have pretty much disassociated from each other already. We rarely keep in touch. It's probably better that way.

To be continued ... Go to E.19

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