The Exodus Files
I Want to See the Future Now

Wednesday March 9, 2005

As usual, another day of the same old shit. At the Asylum, James, another faculty, gave me the details of the rest of the meeting. As to be expected, everything went haywire. Something funny is going on. From what I gather, various faculty, including myself, are being set up to be removed from service. Joanne received a very bad evaluation, and I already know that mine will not be very good. Kevin mentioned that Nikki, the new computer instructor, has priority over all of us. Later, Robert, the IT guy, disclosed to me the reason why. Nikki has been too willing to do "extras" for the Asylum. I must go in to see Kim, the Director of Education, on Friday about my evaluation. I will be in the cesspool with Joanne.

Shirley sent a reply to my e-mail. She apparently believes that I don't want to hang out with her anymore. She seemed upset. She also mentioned that Ramona had done that her, no doubt after the incident with Erin. Shirley said that she is going through a "phase." This is something that she does every now and then, she claims. She wants to have fun during the last few months of her college life because she missed out earlier. I can't argue with that. If Shirley believes that everything is totally under her control, then I will just have to believe her. She seemed a little emotional in her e-mail, so I sent another e-mail to calm her down. In her last reply, she said that she wasn't upset. She also said that, if I wanted to disassociate from her, then she's fine with that. So, essentially, the disassociation has occurred anyway. I'll leave it that. I assume that it will be a long time before I see her again.

I have been thinking about ending the journal as well as the Myspace "blog." I'm always sitting at the computer like a loser and writing this crap. Yet, what else can I do anyway? I am a loser. In addition, the journal is like an open window into my life. There are no secrets. Everything that happens, every thought, is recorded for all to read. Practically every other journal writer has given up, many because of the strife it causes in their personal lives. I really must make a decision on this matter soon. At this point in time, I lead a true loser's life. I'm not exactly comfortable anymore sharing the despair that I go through daily.

Professor Marimi tried to persuade me to go to a dance performance that she is participating in. I told her that I did not want to go alone. She said that I would meet a lot of single babes there. I'm absolutely certain that I would meet no babes. I cannot imagine walking up to strange babes and making small talk. In addition, I would spend $45 to stand around alone like a true loser. Not my idea of fun. I sent e-mail to John at Heald. He responded with a terse e-mail. Nothing changed since I last saw him over a year ago. John had quite a thing for Shirley, if you recall. That's the main reason he left the group. I didn't mention anything about Shirley. I don't want to open old wounds. Finally, my Panda Express fortune cookie's fortune read, "Time, once lost, can never be regained." This has been the most accurate fortune I've gotten.

Thursday March 10

Yet another say of the same old shit. I was losing my mind over the same old issues, something the fortune cookie summed up quite well. This is not the life I want to live. I have so little time left, and I have locked myself into general slavery. Each year really counts now. I have no control over my life. I returned to Hawai'i as a helpless moron. Then, I locked myself into wage slavery because it was the "responsible" thing to do. I lived in the "cocoon" and lost all sense of my own adulthood. I purchased a place that I no longer care about, nor do I live there. I further locked myself into wage slavery. I have no social life. I can no longer cavort around with people younger than me. However, there is no one in my age group who is single except Robert. This is a complete loser's scenario, one that I must accept as my lot in life.

I believe that Shirley's last few e-mail were subterfuge. I am merely mentioning this for archival purposes. I probably will never see her again. Her e-mail took a defensive posture. She said that she wants a place of her own, and she will get it. She's going to get a good job and earn money. And, if she wants a BoyToy, she will get one. Why do I say this is defensive? The facts speak for themselves. She has continued to work at Daiei since high school. I suggested that she find something closer to her career goals. She rebutted that it would not pay as much. So, she stayed on with Daiei. As for the BoyToy situation, she stated that she is not after Dean or anyone else. She prefers to be single and avoid the drama. This is the most obvious subterfuge. She has had the hots for Dean since at least December of last year. About three weeks ago, she stated in e-mail that he could be "the one." There's no way that she could have turned off her feelings in two weeks of time. I suspect that something happened with Dean. The latter has caused a ramping up of the "social addiction." It is my guess, and I am certain my intuition is correct, that Shirley is now going out every night. I've already discussed my foray into "social addiction," and I honestly admit that something was wrong at the time. It was an escape for me. There is something intrinsically wrong with going out every night of the week. This is beyond just having fun. However, Shirley stands by her claim that she's just having fun. She's enjoying her college days before it ends. I am trying to figure out what will happen when she graduates and she still does not have a job. She will have even more spare time. Of course, Shirley believes that everything will turn out fine. It's all just going to fall right into place.

I am also certain that the BoyToy issue is at the heart of the matter. She started hanging out with Nicolette at the Mercury bar regularly after the break-up with Jason. In fact, I hung out with her there a couple of times. She admitted that the break-up was the impetus. However, that was back in October. Right now, she claims that this constant partying is just a "phase." It's now a six month long phase. She started up with the "party utensils" because of Nicolette. At the time, she only did so when drinking. Now, she's partaking of the "party utensils" all the time. When I started using the "party utensils" a long time ago, it was because of stress. And, I was also right at the peak of my "social addiction." I was going out every night of the week. And, now comes the clincher — my "social addiction" was a direct result of the babe situation. There were other factors similar to Shirley's situation as well. Everything for Shirley has to do with guys. The turmoil in her life is always about guys. Most recently are Erin's ex-husband (which baffles me even now), Jason, and Dean. I believe that she really wants to hook up, but her so-called "innocence" is a stumbling block for her. What I am sensing is a deep internal conflict. Her "values" are conflicting with her desires. Her desires are being spawned by the kind of people she now associates with. Those "values" have kept her in check. They are so strong that she needs to get hammered to loosen up. If she breaks any of those "values," she will pay the price for years. I know how strong her "values" are, especially concerning da wild thing. My guess is that she's going to be over her head if she keeps it up. And, she's going to be hurt really bad.

Why am I so sure of what I am saying? I can feel that it's true. I told Shirley that she and I are very similar. She said that I do not really know her that well. Yes, I do. I have also taken enough of counseling psychology courses to understand behavior patterns. I have also acquired a keen sense of intuition concerning the human psyche. It's almost like a sixth sense. Regardless of the latter, I know all about "social addiction." I finally had to move into that shoebox in the Roach Motel and live by myself. That was my cure. I did it "cold turkey." It was like withdrawal from an addictive drug. All of what Shirley is doing scares me and is making me lose sleep. I am still her friend, even though I've been cast aside. I did that as well during the peak of my "social addiction." I had no time for for anyone who didn't want to party and have fun. I only thought of the "losers" when I was bored or there was no one else around to hang out with. In the days of my redemption, I found that the "losers" were my best friends. They forgave me, and I still know them today.

Friday March 11

This was not a good day. At the Asylum, I met Kim, the Director of Education, for my evaluation. This time, my overall score was low. The same thing happened to Joanne. The evaluations are being skewed to begin the process of elimination. Only the favored will be rewarded. At the Diploma Mill, a student filed a complaint against me. Yet, more bullshit. I was ready to resign from both places. The best part of the day was when I received e-mail from Larry, and old friend from over 20 years ago. I often put long lost friends' names in a search engine. If I find something, then I try to make contact. I had found an active page with a list of staff members at the government office Larry works for. I sent an inquiry e-mail. We exchanged a couple more e-mail. I then told Larry that I would call him tomorrow.

I ran into Pseudo-professsor Dorothy at 4pm. She told me that Pseudo-professor Ralph may not make Indigo Happy Hour. I was able to contact Pseudo-professor Ralph. He said was on his way there. I also called Pseudo-professor Bill and left a message asking if he wanted to join us. I left for Indigo. The food was gone by the time I arrived. Pseudo-professor Ralph and I started the festivities with Sake Martinis. About 15 minutes later, Pseudo-professor Glenn walked in from the other bar. He was about ready to leave. I was surprised to see him there since he had told me in e-mail that he couldn't make it. I persuaded him to have another drink. Pseudo-professor Dorothy and a babe friend came by a few minutes later. I was pretty hammered as the afternoon progressed. Pseudo-professor Bill called and asked me to meet him in Waikiki after I was done at Indigo. I'm not sure what time we all left. I caught the bus to Waikiki and called Pseudo-professor Bill to tell him I was on the way. The Sake Martinis kicked in before I arrived in Waikiki. I don't remember much after that. We were all over the place from what I was told. We started off at Moose McGillycuddy's and ended up at the Hanahano Room in the Sheraton.

Saturday March 12

I woke up at some unknown hour in Waikiki. Everything looked so strange. No wonder. I was asleep on Pseudo-professor Bill's couch. Later, Pseudo-professor Bill and I had breakfast. Then, he gave me a ride back to Hawai'i Kai. He was going to the gym in Koko Marina to see what it was like. I can only remember bits and pieces of what transpired last night.

I made the benign journey to Chez Loser, even though I was not feeling too good. I'm really surprised that I woke up at all this morning. I noticed that someone has stacked up all the newspaper nicely. I happened to notice a few "party utensils" outside. What's odd is that the room deodorizer in the master bedroom has been on the floor every week. It's normally sitting on a large blow-up replica of a Two Fingers tequila bottle. All the windows are shut, so the wind could not be the culprit. Perhaps Shirley has been using the place.

After I returned to Hawai'i Kai, I called Larry. Larry is a planner for a small city near Palm Springs. He's still single. From what he told me, he plans to stay that way. He's got a nice house in the hills. He has spent a lot of dough upgrading the interior. Now, he's working on the yard. I am always curious about how my single friends maintain their sanity. Larry said that he's taken up many hobbies. He collects stamps. He also grows orchids. And, he build wooden ship models. I suspect that he spends most of his spare time at home. Larry also works a lot of hours. He doesn't really like the job. He detailed the level of political corruption around him. He is planning to retire within two years. He wants to stay in the area for another six to eight years. Then, he will find another place. "That will be the place I will die," he said. Larry's brother passed away last year because of a terminal illness. He was the same age as me. I enjoyed chatting with Larry. It's been about 20 years since I've had any contact with him. I am not alone in my thinking. Larry, the Master, and Dustin, one of my former students, have all said about the same things. We only have a few more good years left, so we cannot waste too much time.

I ended up at Kahala Mall again tonight. I actually like going there. I always go to Barnes & Noble. I was quite comfortable cruising around and looking at the various books. Writing is something that has always interested me. I often look at all of those books and wonder how the authors wrote them. I wrote a full novel, but trashed it later. I should have kept it. I still think of writing another novel. Larry said that he's writing one. Lori often mentions the idea of writing a book. Speaking of Lori, she told me at lunch last week that I should write down the 50 things that I want to do or accomplish in my lifetime. She has done that herself and has completed most of the list. I may just do that.

Sunday March 13

Yesterday, as we drove past a luxury condo on Kapiolani Boulevard, Pseudo-professor Bill commented, "Guys like us don't need a place like that." He said that a small apartment in Waikiki is all that's need. He pays $1,150 per month rent for a fairly small one-bedroom apartment. He has rattan furniture and a Papasan chair just like I do. It's all quite minimalist. He never cooks there, preferring to eat out for every meal. That's the unsettled, middle-aged bachelor's life. People like Larry and The Master are much more comfortable in their own skin. They have become homebodies, even knowing how little time is left. They have also spent money to make their places a sanctuary. Of course, Pseudo-professor Bill is about seven years younger than I am. He has more time. Hawai'i is only a temporary spot for him. He's trying to regroup after his divorce.

My biggest problem is my failure to accept that I have entered a new phase in life. I am already seeing physical limitations popping up. The hardest thing to accept is that I will be single and alone for the rest of my life. Yet, I often forget how tormented my relationships with babes have been. I don't want to work anymore. I am sick of the bullshit. Anonder had previously advised that I chose an age to retire. He suggested five years from now. I am thinking of semi-retiring right after I sell Chez Loser, which may be sometime soon.

I received a postcard from a realtor who had listed another unit in the Chez Loser complex. It has the exact same floor plan as mine, except it is on the second floor. It sold at $289,000 fee simple, which was the asking price. I was shocked. There is another unit going for even higher. Then, in this morning's paper, I saw another unit like mine selling for $239,000 leasehold. The fee is $67,000 or more. Lori had mentioned to me that the housing crunch is largely fueled by the increasing number of military families arriving here. That's not likely to end soon. However, there will be a cap on prices most likely later this year. Hawai'i tends to trail the mainland by at least a year.

I made the benign journey to Chez Loser again. I drank what was left of the fake "Hammer" in the fridge. I'm not sure why because I almost did myself in on Friday night. I was going to give Pseudo-professor Bill a call to see if he wanted to go out for a few brewskis in Waikiki. I decided against it. I will wait until next weekend. I have started to throw things out. Some of the stuff will be given away to the Salvation Army. I am also planning to replace the washer, dryer, and the carpet just before the unit is sold. I will be able to write off the improvements. Once I sell Chez Loser, my life decision will be made. Everything will change. I will also most likely resign from the Asylum and the Diploma Mill. I will seek out a job at Barnes & Noble. That is where I really want to work. Naturally, I will insure that I remain single and possibly regress into a recluse just like Larry and The Master. After I returned to Hawai'i Kai, I went back out to Kahala Mall. I bought the new Bargrooves CD. Then, I went to Barnes & Noble. I bought a cup of coffee and cruised around.

I haven't heard from Shirley in a while, not that I expect to. She's busy partying. And, we've sort of disassociated. I still say that we are very similar. The only difference is that we are 180 degrees out of phase. Two Summers ago during the peak of my mid-life crisis, I was out all the time. Shirley was a homebody for some reason. Now, it's as if we switched roles. Of course, you won't read about most of that in the journal because it was pruned. I went through a lot of money that Summer, and that was only going out two or three nights per week. However, when I slip into my new loser life-style after I sell Chez Loser, I won't be out at all.

Monday March 14

I am due to go on the night shift tomorrow at the Asylum. I'll make a little more dough, but I will have fairly long days. I will be out at 7:30pm three nights per week. In another six weeks, I will be doing long night shifts, which means that I'll be out after 10pm. It seems as though I am being set up for permanent night shift. I'm okay with that unless I have been assigned early morning classes as well. Why am I doing this? I'm getting crap from all sides. The real reason is that I am paying a mortgage for a place that I do not need. Freedom. When is it coming for me? This phase of life bullshit is getting to me. I'm thinking that I should purchase another car so I do not have to ride the bus. The majority of passengers are senior citizens. It is serving as an unpleasant reminder to me. When I see them, I keep asking myself, "Will I look like that in a few years?" Or, "Am I going to be that shriveled up?" I'm about ready to lose it.

At the Asylum, the faculty were up in arms because Kim, the Director of Education, ran another ad in the classifieds for new instructors. I am anticipating that I may be able to make it through part of Summer before I am relieved of my duties. Kim has become paranoid. Last Friday, she went on and on about how all the faculty was against her. Chip had even called me later because he thought that I was being chastised. I told him that Kim was going through some kind of catharsis. Kevin mentioned that he had seen Erin this weekend. Erin is working at a realty firm in Kahala Mall. Actually, it's right next door to Debbie's firm. Erin is planning to move to the mainland. She's seeking another teaching job. Erin had authorized Chip to give me her number. I tried to call her on Friday, but I was not able to connect.

I chatted with Sheryl, one of my students at the Asylum. She's also in my Myspace friends section like a few other students. My discussion with her was about the lack of ambition of local students in her age group. She's 24 years old. She's also from the Hawai'i Kai area, which baffled me. That's an affluent area. Why is she at the Asylum? It's always the same reason. The Asylum has a shorter graduation time, albeit with a useless degree. Sheryl also told me that a lot of her friends are still living in the "cocoon." Most don't pay rent. Some work. Some go to school "very part-time." They come and go as they please. Most of them are also in full party mode. Naturally, everyone is on Myspace. I am now fully cognizant about the source of the problems. It's the parents. This truly is a lost generation And, it's also the reason why being an educator is such a difficult job.

At the gym, I pondered why I maintain a gym membership. I'm not certain why I continue to work out. I'm certainly not attracting any babes. Each day is also becoming a losing battle against the effects of old age. No one I know goes to the gym. Everyone is perfectly content with letting themselves go. Exercise is a lot of hard work with no apparent reward. And, it is costing me $36 per month. Something to think about. Rod called and left a message last night. He's planning to visit in June. That means a lot more nights on the town in Waikiki. Sheesh!

Tuesday March 15

There's a haunting House piece on the new Bargrooves CD which I bought. It's done by Karma Fever. I don't usually transcribe the lyrics of songs, deferring such activity to young kids. However, in this case, I will. It's very simplistic, but the vocals set to the infamous House beat make for a sizzling masterpiece. I love House Music.

This Love

we went to the seaside
soft summer breeze
shadows on our side
you and me
just wasting time
you and me
just wasting time
i melt into your arms
and wonder
how can anything
i feel
ever mean so much
as this love
this love
ever mean so much
as this love
this love
sound of our hearts
like thunder
what could i do
if i hadn't find you
i just don't know
i just don't know
a minute without you
is just too long
so long
you, my love
my hope
my life
my love
my hope
my sex
my dreams

You're probably thinking that I was getting sappy, thinking about babes again. You're right. Well, actually, I was wistfully thinking about how I missed the mark on this aspect of my life. The sad part is that it's over. I've reached the Point of No Return just like The Master and Robert. We joke around about it like we have forever to do something about it. Now, we are on the "Path of Living Death," as Anonder calls it. I'm so happy to have House Music. With shitty days like I've been having lately, it's about all that makes me feel good. I just had to get this off my chest, I suppose.

I moved through the day like a meaningless, shadowy mass. Shirley and I have been communicating via Myspace e-mail. I think that we are misunderstanding each other. I am not trying to end my friendship with her. It's a long four year friendship. I am not throwing it out the door, no matter what. I just felt that I was doing her a disservice by always getting down on her about her new life-style. I am coming around to accepting the fact that I have no influence on her decisions. As much as I believe that I am trying to help her, that is not my role. I face hundreds of deaf ears daily in my position as a pseudo-professor. People have to do what they have to do. Well, it's the Ides of March, and nothing bad happened. I have started up the "blog" again on Myspace. It's pretty useless, but so is the journal.

Wednesday March 16

I started up the night shift at the Asylum last night. I can't say that I am enjoying it. The ride home on the bus is long and laborious. A few months ago when I was on the night shift, I enjoyed the ride late at night. Now, I feel as though my life is passing before my eyes. Wage slavery has become completely meaningless to me. The Asylum has no breaks. The last term ended yesterday. The new term started to day. The Diploma Mill goes on Spring Break next week. The Asylum has only a two-day break the following week. Essentially, I have no vacation. I wanted to travel to Cali again like I did last year. No dice. When I conversed with Larry the other day, he told me, "I've always felt that I'm not supposed to be here." It's kind of the same with me. There was a time that I really did want a relationship with a babe, and a family. Anonder will attribute this to "social conditioning," which is partially true. The problem is that I have become extremely jaded by my own experiences with babes and the overall disintegration of society. The divorce rate is at 50 percent. Doesn't that say it all? Not only does this imply that guys and babes just cannot, or will not, get along, it also implies that the family unit no longer exists. There are many of us who want more than the emptiness that this kind of transient life-style brings with it. We want a solid foundation for truly loving and caring relationships that last forever. Thus, we are doomed to live in a prison of solitude, all the while justifying our existence through feigned monastic rituals. With so little time left, I have finally come to realize the folly of my beliefs. I am a spiritual nomad in an overpopulated society. Strangers in a crowd. Sheep looking for the shepherd.

The new term at the Asylum is marked by extreme confusion and craziness. I discovered that one of my classes was abruptly changed. I was not notified. However, I am operating well under pressure. Erin had called the Asylum and left a message with her office phone number. We played phone tag all day. I have still not been in touch with her. I will try again tomorrow. Eileen, a former Asylum student, called. She happened to be in town, so we met for coffee at Starbuck's. We had an enjoyable conversation, even though she is somewhat depressed that she cannot find a job. She is currently working through the temp agencies. I also filled her in on the sad state of affairs at the Asylum. Vivian also called and left a message at the Asylum. I called her back. She wants to get together for drinks. I may see her at Murphy's for the St. Patrick's Day celebration tomorrow. She also invited me to go along with her group to the Pipeline Café on Friday. Yes, it's a club. The Sad Lonely Losers Club is putting on Loserfest 2005 at Kailua Beach Park on Sunday. I'm hesitant to attend. I'm not certain if the babes in the club are "horny" or what, but they've been talking a lot of shit in the club's e-mail about hookin' up with guys. The e-mail is distributed to all members including the guys. None of the guys are writing shit like that. At the Diploma Mill, I ran into the Math Academic Coordinator. He said that he hasn't heard anything else from the student who filed the complaint against me. Perhaps that ordeal is over. Yesterday, I sent Myspace e-mail to Shirley stating that we can hang out anytime, if she wants to. I have not heard from her. I also chatted with Robert. He keeps chanting, "Sublimation," when I bring up the babe situation. He's spending a lot of money purchasing sound equipment for his band. He has about two months to find another job. I had to go to Ross to buy a towel for $6 because I forgot to pack one. When I have night classes, I take a shower at the gym.

I did not eat dinner before my evening class at the Asylum. Kim, the Director of Education, came by to ask if I would substitute for an instructor who did not show up. I would have, but I was dying of hunger. I also chatted with Juanita, another computer instructor. She said that she's tired because she's working full time in the day and two classes at night. "It helps with the mortgage," she told me. I laughed because I knew exactly what she meant. I told her that I will be trying to organize a faculty outing. She liked the idea. The bus ride was relaxing tonight. I am settling in with the loser's life-style. The night class is effectively giving me a nightlife.

Thursday March 17

Attendance in my classes at the Diploma Mill was sparse today because Spring Break commences in two days. I let my classes out early as an additional bonus to my students. I was able to connect with Erin today. I passed on all of the greetings from the Asylum faculty. Erin is working as a project coordinator for a large real estate firm. She also rented an apartment. She had been living with her parents since her divorce about a year ago. She said that it was very difficult moving back home and dealing with her parents. Erin is not planning to move to the mainland. She then brought up Shirley.

"Are you providing guidance for Shirley, since I can't do it?" Erin asked.

"Well, we have kind of gone in our own directions," I responded. "I don't see her at all."

Erin wanted to know more. I very briefly mentioned that Shirley has been partying a lot more. She's also drinking a lot more and is back to using the "party utensils." I also mentioned that she seems to be hanging out with a lot of her old high school friends and a few Diploma Mill students. I said that I didn't agree with her new life-style.

"She's rebelling," Erin added. "Although, she's a little too old to be doing that now.


"It's tiring being the good Asian daughter. It's the innocence thing."

I knew exactly what she was talking about, because I had sensed this before (see March 10th entry). "Do you think that it had to do with what happened between you two?"

"No, I think it has to do with the last boyfriend. You know the issue," Erin continued.

I knew the exact issue. "Yeah, I know the issue," I confirmed.

"Maybe the alcohol will help cure that."

"I think she was doing the right thing," I said. "It would be a mistake for her to go the other way."

"Well, as long as the mistakes happen when you are young. Then, it's easier to recover."

I cut the conversation short. I told her that I would try to keep in touch. Later, I saw Shirley a couple of times along Fort Street Mall, although she probably did not see me.

I went to the St. Patrick's Day block party near Murphy's with Rob, the Asylum's IT guy, and Thu, one of my babe students. It was raging. I saw a couple of my babe students from the Diploma Mill just as we entered the street party. They wanted me to take a picture with them, so I did. We were supposed to meet Vivian there, but somehow we never connected. Guiness was flowing like water. I was droppin' back the Guiness like there was no tomorrow. We had a great time. There was food and entertainment. Some members of the Sad Lonely Losers Club were supposed to be there, but I did not see them. There were so many people. I saw Shirley's friend Kari in the crowd, although I did not chat with her. Shirley had told me that Kari was interested in buying Chez Loser. I was glad to be out on the town. However, I could feel the pangs of "social addiction" building up.

Friday March 18

Today marks one year since I took possession of Chez Loser. Time sure flies. I would have been on vacation as of today if it weren't for the Asylum. I really need a vacation. I need to get away, even if it is to visit the same friends on the mainland. I am not in the mood to work. As a matter of fact, I am doing the bare minimum at the Asylum. I, like the rest of the faculty, am burned out. I am feeling more and more helpless. I am caught in the web of wage slavery. I was not able to find anyone to go to Indigo Happy Hour. People in my age group have resigned to a geriatric life-style. Most old geezers just sit at home and watch the tube, even when they are married.

The issue of Chez Loser also falls in line with my life-style. I cannot see myself ever living there because I have never liked being alone. I had to isolate myself in Convalescent City for a reason. I had to break the spell of "social addiction." However, even when I lived alone in the shoebox at the Roach Motel, I was rarely home. I could not stand being there. However, in Hawai'i, I am caught between a rock and a hard place. I really cannot live under moms' stupid rules. In addition, moms' quirks drive me insane. Yet, this kind of marginal living is all that I need. What I should do is coordinate a "1031 exchange" for Chez Loser. I should see if Debbie, my realtor, can find me a place in town while Chez Loser is up for sale. Pseudo-professor Bill was right all along. I need to live in Waikiki. Then, I would have a great nightlife. Going to places alone in Waikiki is not a problem. I would never be bored. This is something that I need to investigate before I go berserk.

I heard from Professor Lisa. She's at Tufts University. I sent e-mail back asking her to give me a synopsis of what's been going on with her. Mr. Ray sent e-mail as well. He is going through a critical time. I wish him Godspeed. I ran into Pseudo-professor Chad late this afternoon. He said that this was the last semester for him at the Diploma Mill. He attempted to secure a full-time position, but he was rejected. "I've been here eight years, and this is what I get," he said.

Saturday March 19

Like the true geriatric has-been that I am, I ended up at Kahala Mall last night. I felt like a real loser. However, it's not entirely my fault. Most of the people in my age group are either married or have given up. The latter have taken up sedate or benign solitary activities that are restricted to the privacy of their homes. Or, they work long hours, seven days per week. The Master is a case in point. What really gets to me is the ease with which they have come accept their lot in life. There exists a great schism in my mind concerning this matter. In actuality, there are numerous internal conflicts which must either be solved or exorcised soon. The babe situation is the greatest conflict. With so little time left, I am wondering why this keeps popping up. I should be impotent within a couple of years, so the issue will be moot then. Oddly, I am tormented by the desire to find a babe. Yet, I have already given up as evidenced by my inaction. Wage slavery is the next conflict. Why exactly am I working? Why did I purchase Chez Loser? I believe that it all ties in with the babe situation. It has to. I surmise that I wanted to present the impression that I am able to provide for a family. The major impetus was my growing rift with moms. Chez Loser as an investment was an afterthought. Then, why did I sell my six-four? Here's another interesting conflict. I am torn between rampant materialism and asceticism. My purchases have nothing to do with "substitution" for da wild thing, sublimation, or an adjunctive cure for boredom. As I approach impotence, all of these conflicts will rapidly disappear. So will my need to be out on the town. I won't even have to sedate myself with cheap booze.

I have searched for a much more reasonable answer than what I have offered. There is none, unless one does not want to hear the truth. I've known this for a while. If you've read the [UJ] Archive, then you know what I mean. It's as if I suffer from satyriasis. The babes whom I've hooked up with really loved to do da wild thing. That was great for the ol' lavahead because he loves da wild thing. Remember that Lori and I used to do da wild thing four or five times per day. So, essentially, I've been losing my mind during the last six years of celibacy. The ironic part is that the ol' lavahead looks and acts like an eunuch. So, I assume that my pathetic strategy is to wait it out until time runs out. Bad move. I may go insane before that happens.

I have followed some of Anonder's suggestions from Speak! IV. I have identified the most critical conflicts in my life. I also plan to implement Lori's suggestion about listing the 50 things that I want to do before all is said and done. Larry mentioned that he often works 12-hour days. He goes into work on the weekends as well. Fortunately, he is eligible for retirement in a year. However, he has spent the last 19 years with this regimen. The best years of his life were primarily spent in extreme wage slavery. I can find no way to justify the latter.

Moms is planning a meeting with an attorney next Saturday. My bro and I will have to be there. Moms is trying to find a way to give the house to both of us now. Moms is worried that my bro will not be able to pay off my half of the inheritance down the line. I told moms that the idea was foolish. We would have to cough up a huge sum of money just to pay off the taxes. I keep telling moms to do a reverse mortgage. I already know moms' plan. Moms want my bro's family in the house. Then, moms will stay there and pay them rent. That's all fine, but what happens if moms needs assisted care in the future? Moms gets impatient about getting things done. Then, it turns into a financial fiasco, just like the new roof. Well, we'll see what happens.

I made the benign journey to Chez Loser. I was in a really bad way after hearing moms' foolish plan. In addition, it opened up a huge can of worms because I realized that moms' time is limited as is my own. I was rapidly declining into melancholia, so I stopped off at Safeway and bought a big-ass bottle of the "Hammer." I did the usual cleaning bullshit to get Chez Loser ready to sell. Then, I started my drinking day. I was quite sedated when I departed at 2pm. I ended up at Kahala Mall again tonight.

Sunday March 20

Some random notes are in order. Today is the last day that I will be getting hammered at Chez Loser, if at all. Enough is enough. This is a vow. I am gradually coming to accept that I will be a loner from now on. The Master and Larry both commented that they do not keep in touch with anyone. They don't even have cell phones. This is another old age phenomenon. People in my age group don't want to be bothered by phone calls and e-mail. If they are not married, then they are essentially hermits. I am keeping a number of secrets, only one of which is mine. I will provide the details of my secret soon. I am actually looking forward to seeing my bro's family move in to moms' house. Then, moms can concentrate on making them follow the rules. My reason for bringing up da wild thing as the root problem of the babe situation is simple. No, I'm not a sex maniac. If guys did not have a strong sex drive, then they would have no need for babes. Guys are fully capable of functioning autonomously. It's the need for da wild thing that makes them seek out babes. Shirley changed her Myspace name, no doubt to hide her identity. I'm not sure why she just doesn't delete me from her Friend Space. That would solve the problem. Her B-day is coming up. I'll send her a gift, and that will be it. No celebration, not with me at least. Shirley was seemingly upset by my chronicling of her life, which she deems is inaccurate. I don't think that I am too far off. She also stated that she knows of at least one person in Hawai'i who reads the journal. I know that Mr. C and John (at Heald) used to read it, but I am certain they haven't been here in ages. So, I assume that she gave someone, perhaps Ramona, the link. However, I find it hard to believe that Ramona reads the journal. I am more inclined to believe that she is referring to the former friend. Since I do not see or hear from Shirley anymore, the matter is moot. Finally, the journal should be completed with my pruning tasks real soon.

I've been thinking about moms' plan to pass the house to my bro and I now. Perhaps it's not so bad. Even with the outrageous tax assessment, I will be able to semi-retire once my bro pays me off. The sale of Chez Loser would also bring in more dough. I would then try to find a cheap dump to live in, preferably around Waikiki. Or, I may just become homeless. I was quite melancholy yesterday. Any kind of topic related to kicking the bucket makes me depressed. It's a reminder of my own mortality. I also keep wondering what I am going to do when moms is gone. I will have no family left. From what I can tell, I am on a collision course with Anonder's life-style, and nothing can stop it. Within a year, Larry will be living that life-style. Overall, I believe that another Time of Reckoning is upon me.

Another day of the same old shit. I was hammered again at Chez Loser. This is the last day of that shit as the journal is testimony to my vow. I will continue to get hammered at happy hour with the few friends that I have. When I returned to Hawai'i Kai, my bro was there. He was washing his truck. I chatted with him briefly. Then, I went for a short tanning hike up Koko Head. When I returned, I briefly discussed the situation concerning moms' house. Moms will be spending two days at my bro's place to watch the nephew. The meeting with the attorney will be in two weeks, not next week.

I chatted with Romero today. He's got a new babe, and he also bought a house in Convalescent City. It's a fixer-upper, he said. And, it cost $800,000 . . . ouch! He invited me to stay there the next time I'm back in Cali. I also chatted with Rod. He is coming to Hawai'i on June 16th. I'd better let my liver rest until then. Sheesh! I asked about the house in North Carolina that he inherited from his father. Apparently, he had to sell it to pay off some of his father's debt. Fortunately, he didn't incur a loss. Professor Lisa replied by e-mail. She's in Boston, but she does not seem to be really enjoying it there. She may be coming to Hawai'i again this Summer, hopefully for a longer time period. Perhaps we'll be able to get together and do a few activities.

Monday March 21

I felt pretty shitty last night after polishing off the rest of the "Hammer." I'm really in a bad way because I must return to wage slavery tomorrow. I'm ready to get hammered every night, but I cannot. I made a vow. I will be frank here. I am once again lapsing into despair. I keep thinking about what life will be like when moms is gone. The prospect of me getting married is extremely low. I don't know any babes. Even if I did, none would be interested in an old loser. Worse yet, I can expect any relationship to last only three years at most. Then, I'd be back to this pathetic spot again. I'd like someone to share my life and to do things with. I want to get out of the drinking and party scene. I'd love to see live theater and musicals. I enjoy the regular movie theaters, too. Eating out at restaurants is fun. It would be nice to have a workout partner at the gym as well. And, just sitting at home is enjoyable with the right person. It's funny. Lori and I used to do these kinds of things when life was good. I'd like to find someone who wants to do things with me forever. Yet, it's not going to happen. I am on a collision course with Anonder's life-style.

I sit and wonder what's wrong with me. I compare myself with Robert, The Master, John (at Heald), and Larry, to name a few. Why are we all in the same boat? We have many similarities. The common denominator could be the "eunuch-like personality" that I have discussed ad nauseam. What make us unattractive to babes? I am the only one who has not adjusted well, or accepted this lot in life. I am still pining over a life I can never have. That's why I don't watch movies or listen to most music. There's too much emphasis on romance. My heart would only ache more. In a few short years, I will be a decrepit old geezer just like the senior citizens hobbling around on the bus. I won't have to worry about babes then. I'll be alone and decrepit.

Only the Asylum is not on Spring Break. I felt crappy and hopeless. However, it turned out to be a nice day. Kevin told me that a few students were reading my Myspace "blog" during class. The "blog" is apparently a hit. I was preoccupied by the disposition of moms' house. I noticed that Duke provided some advice via Speak! IV. By the way, Duke is a reader from the days of old. He believes that moms' plan to pass the house on to my bro and I now may be the best way to go. I chatted with Judith about this, too. She said that moms would have to be careful because she could end up evicted. That's one scenario I have already considered. My bro tends to become quite totalitarian when he thinks he's in charge. If the house becomes his, then he will kick anyone out. I sent e-mail to Lori. She invited me to dinner this Sunday to discuss the situation further. Lori seems to believe that I may be better off if I let moms go through with the plan, even though I may end up with a fraction of the assets due me. Lori seems to think that my bro will not be able to secure a mortgage. She is also assuming that moms' house is now worth close to $630,000 or more. I am afraid that she may be correct. My bro's family is still sitting in a one-bedroom apartment in Kaimuki. They are making payments on two cars. The apartment has to be stuffed with crap, including all of his tools. Moms is apparently a few months behind schedule. I had thought that my bro's family would have moved in when the nephew turned 10 years old in November. Moms won't be able to sleep until the nephew has his own room. My bro's family should be back in moms' house before the year is out.

This is an interesting situation. I certainly cannot sell Chez Loser right now. And, I cannot sell it in the same year that I receive any money from my share of moms' house. The taxes would kill me. My main worry is what will happen if my bro evicts moms, which will be highly probable. I am even more irritated that moms told my sister-in-law about the changes in the trust before either my bro or I. In any case, it looks as though I made a decent decision concerning Chez Loser. So far, it has been a good investment. And, it is my sole contingency plan for alternative living space. As I continue to ponder this matter, it becomes plainly clear that moms wants to expedite the change in the trust to move my bro's family back in the house as soon as possible. Moms has to make some kind of provision that they cannot evict her out of the house. Otherwise, moms will have to move into my townhouse. This nonsense has come up at an inopportune time. Well, that's what we mean when we say, "Shit happens." I am fortunate that I am still fully funded and am ready for several contingencies.

Tuesday March 22

I got up late today. I departed for town at 10am. I have no classes at the Diploma Mill, but I still have my night class at the Asylum. The offices at the Diploma Mill were open, so I was able to spend time there. I graded exams. Then, I walked to the small park in Chinatown. I sat there for an hour. That's the extent of my vacation. I did my usual workout at the gym. After that, I rewarded myself with a smoothie from Jamba Juice. I walked back to the Diploma Mill. Pseudo-professor Ralph was in the faculty computer room. He's been putting together application packets for teaching positions. I finally walked over to the Asylum just before my class. The faculty were eager to share the latest rumors with me. I am trying to stay detached. I neglected to mention that Josephine, the Financial Aid Director, had told me yesterday that I have a really good reputation amongst the students at the Diploma Mill. She worked there prior to coming to the Asylum. "You're up there," she said. However, that does little to get me a secure position. I also asked a couple of the older faculty about moms' plan to change the trust, since a few of them have homes they plan to pass on to their kids. The issue of taxes seems to be at the forefront. My family has never been financially savvy, as is plainly obvious.

I did take some time to reflect on my own life. I am one fortunate mofo. Almost every one of my friends has worked close to 20 years in wage slavery. Many have had to work long hours and even on the weekends. Romero just bought a house last year. Larry bought his four years ago. The Master has still not purchased his place. I have only worked for six years. I was able to catch up to them, with the exception that my retirement funds are probably not quite as large. I spent most of my life partying and having a good time, yet I did okay. My only regret is that I could have done so much more earlier in life. I also pondered what I would have done if I had a vacation. I could have gone to Cali to visit friends. However, most of my friends are senior citizens and wage slaves. They will be busy working. It costs a lot of money to fly there just to end up watching the tube with them. They are too tired and too poor to do anything else. I'm better off staying right here. I've got to find a way to "get a life." Easier said than done. The pressing issue at this moment is what moms is going to do about the house.

To be continued ... Go to E.21

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