The Exodus Files
The Unforgiven

Wednesday March 23, 2005

The celebration of the Tenth Anniversary of LoserNet is drawing to a close. You're probably wondering, "What celebration?" It was close to a silent celebration. The babes floating on the right of your browser is about the highlight of the celebration. I also finally tweaked the navigation bar at the top. The overall readership of the journal is low. I've been monitoring site statistics for some time. Right now, I think the Myspace "blog" is visited by more people. The "blog" is a better place for all but the discriminating journal reader. The journal is an archive of my own history. It has become a serious venture. There's still some humor, but nothing like the "blog." The "blog" is my day-to-day personality. However, my outlook on life has become much more serious over the last ten years, and I believe that the journal is responsible. The journal forces me to ponder almost every issue that confronts me. I must analyze each issue and articulate the details in the journal. There is a pathology associated with the latter. I become fixated on almost everything. And, I must find solutions or pose countless theses to answer simple questions. This phenomenon is further exacerbated by the fact that I am an engineer. By the way, I am also able to ascertain when certain individuals read the journal, usually when the number of page views jumps significantly in a day.

An uneventful day. At the Asylum, Kevin told me that Layton has not shown up for his classes so far this week. He decided that he was going to see Kim, the Director of Education, about it. I was happy to leave when the time came. I spent some time in the small park near Chinatown. Then, I went to the gym. I was really hungry after that, so I walked to Taco Bell. I sat there alone and ate my pathetic bean burritos. I've got to get used to this life. It's going to be like this forever. Pseudo-professor Ralph was in the faculty computer room at the Diploma Mill. He's working hard on getting a teaching position. He told me about TheFaceBook, a site similar to Myspace. It's specifically set up for academia, so everyone is either a student or faculty. We both signed up. The interesting part is that a lot of personal information is made available. We cannot cloak ourselves anonymously as we can in Myspace. The night class has been so-so. There are only three students, so there is no dynamic.

The bus ride home is a time of contemplation for me. I've been thinking about a few things. Moms' plan to pass the house to my bro and me now is at the forefront. I chatted with Mike, an accounting instructor at the Asylum. According to him, there will be taxes to pay. Either the giver or the recipient has to pay the taxes. Moms' house is the only large asset that my whole family has. With one foolish move, moms could bankrupt us all. The only possible way to avoid the taxes would be if moms "sold" the house to my bro, and paid each of us half of the proceeds. However, Lori is most likely correct in assuming that my bro will not qualify for a mortgage. And, I doubt that moms has enough money to pay the taxes. I can understand why moms is growing impatient. I expect moms to live another ten years. The house is underutilized. My bro and his family are stuck renting a one-bedroom apartment. Moms probably knows that all hell will break loose when the trust takes effect, especially since I am inclined to force the sale of the property. Settling the issue now would be most convenient, albeit costly.

I also contemplated the babe situation. This is getting to be a real stickler for me. I have already run out of time, but I am still thinking about this crap. The whole matter was further exacerbated when I saw former Pseudo-professor Paul on the bus. I did not chat with him. He looked much better today than the last time I saw him. He lives in some kind of boarding house in the university district. He is still using grocery store plastic bags to carry his stuff. The punchline is that he is only seven years older than I. He looks his age. Is this going to be my future? As an observer, I see his life as a lonely existence. He, Robert, The Master, Larry, and countless others have thrown in the towel. Even John (at Heald) at age 36 has apparently given up. I have never sensed true happiness or contentment from any of them. What I sense is the "Path of Living Death," as Anonder puts it. They simply exist until the end comes. I'll be discussing these issues more in the days to come. Also coming up — the ol' lavahead discloses his big secret!

Thursday March 24

The fundamental difference between the rag-tag group of single guys I discussed yesterday is that Robert and John (at Heald) still live in the "cocoon." They do not have to worry about day-to-day expenses to live. I am in the "cocoon," but I have the real expense of a mortgage and home ownership. It's a tremendous responsibility. Unlike Robert, I cannot spend all my disposable income on sound equipment for a two-person band. Robert is now the master of "eleventh-hour" thinking. In two months, he will be unemployed. I really don't need to worry about these guys. I've got to worry about myself. The worst part is that I go into every problem alone. I have no support group. I don't even have a babe to stand behind me. It is clearly obvious that the sinister kahuna is trying to bring the ol' lavahead down again.

I decided to make the benign journey to Chez Loser. I had nothing else to do. In addition, I had to be at an Asylum meeting at 4pm. I was rapidly lapsing into melancholia because my world is crumbling around me. I decided to break my vow and stop off at Safeway. I bought a big-ass bottle of the "Hammer." I received mail from the bank stating that mortgage will be going up to cover the higher property tax. Yesterday, I noticed that my second mortgage has also gone up. The sinister kahuna is working overtime to bring me to my knees. I was pretty hammered when I departed at 2pm. When I arrived in town, I went to the gym. I was still hammered when I went through my workout. After the gym, I walked to Fort Street Bar & Grill. That's where the meeting with John, the Executive Director, was being held. Only Chip, James, Mike, Bea, Wayne, James, and I were there representing the faculty. I was surprised to see Kim, the Director of Education, and Josephine, the Financial Aid Director, there. I felt betrayed. They were not supposed to be there. The meeting was going fine until Chip and Mike launched into an offensive against Kim and Josephine. I was glad that I was still hammered. There I was, on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and I had to be privy to that bullshit. Chip and Mike told it like it was, though. John was able to witness for himself the animosity that exists between faculty and the administration. I remained detached. I have much more important things to worry about. Well, at least the food was good.

Anonder may have saved my sanity by posting tax information about gifts and inheritances on Speak! IV. Moms' plan may well work out fine. The problem will still be whether my bro can secure a mortgage to pay me off. I felt a little better. Anonder also provided a better definition of the "Path of the Living Death." He states that this is the highest level that we can achieve as humans. Renunciation is a major component. He argues that people like The Master and former Pseudo-professor Paul may actually be very happy. I still beg to differ. What I really meant is that they are like walking cadavers. I am still contemplating the babe situation, amongst other issues. This is becoming a daily ritual. Time is flying by, and nothing is being resolved.

Friday March 25

More tidbits. My bro had mentioned that he's sleeping too much. He thinks something is wrong. As long as I can remember, my bro has always slept a lot. On the weekends, he usually sleeps most of the day. I suspect that he's not happy with his life. Moms' reason to expedite the transfer of ownership of the house really has to do with my bro's family. My bro does not want to move back in and live under moms' rules. However, moms knows that she is going to be around for another ten years. Thus, the nephew will be 20 years old before he gets his own room. I am certain that moms' worries about this every minute of the day. At this point in time, I am really looking forward to this transition, provided my bro can secure a mortgage to pay me off. I have not seen or heard from Shirley, which is too bad. I miss her. Anonder stated that moms can give up to $1 million in gifts (read: the house) tax-free. I am still uncertain about the tax ramifications for me because I will be selling my share. There should be enough left for me to frugally seek emancipation from this pathetic life.

I made the benign journey to Chez Loser. There was not much else I could do because the weather turned bad. Shit! This was my only full day off. Essentially, today was my Spring Break. I ended up somewhat hammered again as I contemplated the current situation. I departed at 2pm. I went to the gym after I arrived in town. I also took a shower there. The water heater in moms' house stopped working two days ago. I have been taking showers at the gym anyway since I have night classes.

I had a long discussion with moms after dinner. Moms has not actually discussed anything with the attorney yet. However, moms wants to pass the property to my bro and I as soon as possible. Moms is going to put a provision in insure that she doesn't get kicked out of the house. The stupid part is that moms plans to pay $1,000 rent per month to help my bro's family. Moms will also be doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I just about lost it. I asked moms if she had discussed this matter with my bro. In other words, can my bro afford a $2,500 per month mortgage to pay me off? Moms doesn't know the answer. However, moms does know that my bro and his wife do not save any money. I made it clear to moms that the bank will own half of the property once a mortgage is secured. If my bro cannot make the payments, they will be up shit creek. The house will end up being foreclosed, and they will end up on the street. Moms' rent subsidization is only going to exacerbate the problem. Moms is also trying to lock my sister-in-law out of the whole deal. What moms doesn't realize is that my bro will definitely lose the house in a divorce settlement. He will still have to pay the mortgage, of course. Moms did not want to hear any of that. The whole plan is ill-fated, but I am powerless to stop it. I am concerned about moms, but I cannot buy into this crap.

In the next month or so, I should be prepared to fully move out of moms' house. I'll be finally moving into Chez Loser. My bro must buy my interest out first. I've already told moms that I cannot assume any liability incurred by a joint tenancy. Moms is also assuming that my bro will fix up the house. The place was a dump when I moved back. The inside of the house was trashed. The yard was dead. I had to fix the place up when they hastily moved out. Moms also thinks that my bro will care for her when she requires assisted living. I don't think so. My bro's family cannot even take care of themselves. Moms will also be spending all the money she has saved in order to pay rent. This is a House of Cards. I've made these predictions a long time ago. They are going to come true because the writing is on the wall. This is why I am getting hammered all the time. Well, that and the fact that I cannot find a young hottie.

I will lose a lot of the money that I get from selling my interest in moms' house because of taxes. That's a given. I will not maintain a joint tenancy with my bro for two years to avoid the taxes. Why, he might forget to pay me off. Or, he could do something really stupid that costs me money. It's better that I take what I can get now, and jump ship. I will make decent investments and gain back my tax losses. I have put on hold the idea to sell Chez Loser for now. I will wait until at least next March. I would like to get something smaller in town, but I doubt that I will be getting a deal. I'll probably end up paying the same or more for a tiny dump. I'm probably better off staying in Chez Loser. At least it's a nice place.

Saturday March 26

I am completely flabbergasted by moms' plan to give the house to my bro and I. Yes, moms is planning to pay rent to my bro. And, moms is going to be enslaved again. I have been trying to figure it out. I surmise that moms feels some kind of guilt for letting my bro storm out of the house with his family six years ago. No one is helping me with my mortgage. Heck, my bro and his wife just bought two new cars. I don't even have a car anymore. Well, I have lived up to my familial obligation. There's not much else I can do. Moms has been spending a lot of money to prepare the house for my bro's family. Will they appreciate it? I doubt it. However, they've won the game. They will be moving into "their" home soon. I've never been comfortable in moms' house anyway. I've never really unpacked. I am really just in transition. Moms' rules and quirks were starting to get to me, too. I am looking forward to leaving the "cocoon" for good. I surmise that the family dynamic will return to what it was seven years ago.

Moms and I continued the discussion from yesterday. According to moms, I am costing her $10,000 per year by staying in the "cocoon." This is a ludicrous statement, the source of which I know. Moms forgets that I have been paying rent. In addition, I use very little resources. When my bro's family moves back in, then moms will realize the difference. What is happening is common in local families. I have worn out my welcome simply because I am here. The roles will reverse once I am gone. However, I will never be able to return to the house. It will be my bro's house. Moms called for an appliance repairman to check the water heater. The heater needs to be replaced. Moms wanted to go to Ala Moana this morning, but it was raining too hard. Moms and I ate hot dogs for lunch. I will probably go with moms to Ala Moana tomorrow.

I made the benign journey to Chez Loser after lunch. The day was meaningless as usual. What really matters is that I am out of control. In other words, I was hammered yet again. I am starting to get that feeling of hopelessness. I've reached the end of the line, and so has my family. Once moms' plan is in effect, there will be no turning back. Moms cannot kick my bro's family out, even if they become abusive again. A couple of missed mortgage payments, and moms and my bro's family will be homeless. The same goes for me. Moms has only standard health coverage. If anything were to happen to moms, I have no idea how we will pay for it. If moms become less ambulatory, which will happen soon enough, I am not certain that my bro will be able to take care of her. There's no turning back when all is said and done. I stopped off at the gym in town to take a shower before returning to Hawai'i Kai. I ended up at Kahala Mall again. I really enjoy Kahala Mall. I will miss the place once I move to Chez Loser. It won't be a 20 minute bus ride after I move.

I am already planning out my move, although nothing is in effect yet. I will need to purchase another car. I am probably going to buy a truck, something like a Ford F-150. I should have enough to buy a used one when my bro pays me off. I will be looking at options aside from Chez Loser as well. I would like to move back into town. Although I am not really concerned about the money, I am quite perturbed by the "entitlement" thinking of my family. I am also quite unforgiving about the treatment that both Lori and I received when we moved to Hawai'i. Those are the real reasons why I will press for the full amount and nothing less. And, if necessary, moms can always move into my place. These are the changes and challenges that both excite me and sadden me at the same time. As much as I would have liked to put all of this off for a few more years, the day would eventually have come. Moms will not be able to sleep until she sees my bro's family living in something other than that tiny one-bedroom apartment. That's why the day has come now. Moms had already assumed that my bro would be buying out my half. There is no provision for me to remain in the house. All of it falls in line with my predictions.

Sunday March 27

I am still perturbed that moms had discussed everything with my sister-in-law before even approaching either my bro or I. That's why the whole plan is highly suspect to me. Moms has forgiven my sister-in-law for the past, assuming that the latter has changed her ways. I seriously doubt it. My bro has always wanted his wife's family to move to Hawai'i. He wanted to add a second floor to moms' house for them to live in. Locking him into a mortgage to pay off my half will stop that part of the plan. However, anyone can move in once they own the house. Of course, the more people paying rent, the less likely my bro will default on the mortgage.

Moms and I had another discussion this morning. It seems that moms is a little wary of my sister-in-law's spending habits. This should be a red flag. Moms still wants to go through with the plan because she wants it executed when she still has a sound mind. I fully agree. Otherwise, the terms of the trust could be changed by nefarious parties. Moms has been trying to call my bro since last night. However, no one has responded. Moms wants my bro and I to discuss the issues. Why wasn't this done sooner? I tried to discuss the matter with my bro last week, but he was evasive. Moms was finally able to chat with my bro's wife. She assured moms that they have at least $20,000 for a down payment.

I made the benign journey to Chez Loser. The bus service has been really crappy in the last two day. I finished off the rest of the wine. Lori had called earlier to confirm dinner tonight at her place. I told her that I would call once I was back in Hawai'i Kai. I departed at 2pm. Once in town, I went to the gym to take a shower. When I finally arrived in Hawai'i Kai, I called Lori. She came by to pick me up. We only chatted briefly about the situation with moms' house. Lori also printed off a lot of information for me to read. She also told me that she invited another babe over for dinner. "Don't worry, it's not a set-up," she said. I chatted with both Lori and Kirk while we drank a few brewskis. Lori's friend, Kelly, arrived shortly afterward. She's a 24-year-old hottie. They know each other through Colleen, a mutual friend. Colleen was Lori's training partner and also the person from whom I bought the bed for my master bedroom. Kelly was also on Lori's Perimeter Run team. She's a junior architect by trade. She's living on her own in an apartment in Kapahulu. For any stud, she would bring much to the table. We had a really nice dinner. Afterward, we sat around and chatted. This was the highlight of the weekend, and what should have been my Spring Break.

Monday March 28

I read some of the material that Lori had given me. There's a lot of crap to worry about when dealing with estates and trusts. I am not even sure if moms knows all of this. Lori is somewhat passionate about the situation because she knows first hand about the crap we went through when we first arrived in Hawai'i. I'm not sure what to feel anymore. I feel somewhat displaced. My mission is accomplished. I came back to Hawai'i specifically to see my parents in their last days. After my bro's family takes over ownership of the house, I may not see moms that often. Even Lori is inclined to believe that moms will suffer at the hands of my bro and his family. Moms is making the ultimate sacrifice for my bro's family. It was moms' wish to live in the house for the rest of her life. Lori said that moms will not be able to prevent an eviction if title passes to my bro. Moms already has contingency plans to rent a room from some of her friends if anything goes wrong. Doesn't that defeat the whole purpose of the plan?

I had the day off, so I was not in a real hurry. Moms wanted to leave for Ala Moana at 7:45am. I had just gotten up about 20 minutes earlier. This resulted in a stupid altercation with moms storming off to Ala Moana alone. Moms did not even make a decision about the capacity of the water heater. Moms also wants to convert from gas to electric, but there is no existing electric wiring. Moms is also convinced that the Sears repairman was wrong about the purchase date of the old water heater, although it's in a computer database. The heater was allegedly produced in 1996, so moms wanted to make sure that the new one was made this year. I'd rather not be privy to this stupidity because it's part of a long tradition of family stupidity. Pops was the same way. It's no mystery why I had to escape to the mainland.

I departed for town at 8:45am. I had to do some work because I have put it off for so long. I also had to send e-mail to Debbie to ask for some information about the fair market value of moms' house. I also asked for a recommendation for an appraiser. My goal is to expedite this whole process for moms and my bro. I want to have this deal done by the end of next month. I want my bro to have his mortgage approved quickly, so they can move in on May 1st. After the fiasco of this morning, I am not sure if I plan to keep contact with my dysfunctional family. No one in my family has my cell phone number, nor has anyone asked for it.

I saw Shirley this afternoon. We chatted briefly. Things are really not the same anymore. She says that she's been hanging out with friends during the break. Her friend Shorty apparently did not make it back from Washington. Shirley hasn't hooked up with any BoyToy either. It's probably best that she minimizes her contact with her older friends. She probably tried to mature too early, and now she's making up for lost time. So, I have joined Erin in the group of forgotten friends. She appears to not know what's going on with me, so she has most likely stopped reading the journal and the "blog." Let's hope this is the case. I am merely an acquaintance now. There's no need to know anything about me. I also chatted with Robert briefly. He thinks that he may have a job opportunity on the Big Island. I'm not sure if he wants to end up there. There's absolutely nothing to do in Hilo. And, he will insure that he stays single for the rest of his life by moving there.

My discussion with my family about moms' plan to "gift" the house to my bro and I is officially closed. I am assuming it will go through smoothly. My next concern is capital preservation. I will be subject to at least two taxes. According to Lori's husband Kirk, I may be able to avoid the capital gains tax by doing a "1031 exchange." I would have to purchase another place. This may work out. That way, I can sell Chez Loser next March. My goal is to prepare for my final exodus from society.

Tuesday March 29

It looks as though the exodus has come to the ol' lavahead. Gradually, he is being cast aside by former friends. Now, his family is about to jettison him. No one needs the ol' lavahead. That's also why he doesn't have a babe. Yes, I bring nothing to the table. That's why I have no friends anymore. I need to start moving my things out of moms' house, but I have no one to call to help me. I will have to rent a car. The Master, Larry, and Anonder all claim to have no real friends either. I am now joining their ranks. What has happened to me? What has changed in the last year or so? Even my old friend Caroll has cast me aside. I've been betrayed by fellow wage slaves, people whom I thought were friends, and now by family members. I also noticed that, as I became more financially self-sufficient, people shunned me. I've always enjoyed having a lot of friends. However, now it's not meant to be. I am a Party of One.

In reviewing some of the material that Lori gave me, I may have discovered a fatal flaw in moms' plan to divest the house. There is a Medicaid "look-back" period of at least 36 months. In other words, if moms needs to apply for Medicaid within the next three years, she may be denied coverage or a lien will be attached to the house as payment. Moms' plan has to be executed now. It cannot wait any longer. I am still uneasy with the idea that the house won't be "moms' house" anymore.

An uneventful day. I really was not in the mood to return to wage slavery. After I returned from the Hawai'i Loa campus, I ran into Robert. We had a nice long chat about our situations. After all, we lead parallel lives. Robert said that life in the "cocoon" has stabilized every since the blow-out with his mom last year. I'm sure that it's still not ideal. We also discussed the babe situation. Robert is beginning to accept his lot in life. He knows that nothing will happen. I expressed concern that we may not be able to tolerate the single life forever. Yet, what can we do? We are at the Point of No Return, which means it's the end of the line for us. Unless something happens in the eleventh-hour, we are up shit creek. I walked with Robert back to the State Capitol. We continued our discussion in a light-hearted fashion, although I know the issues weigh heavily upon us. I am a little worried about what will happen if he doesn't find another job by then end of May.

I am being "saved" somewhat in the "eleventh-hour, that is, if my bro is able to pay me off. Aside from the despicable circumstances, the money will allow me to make a few choices. I am still planning to divest Chez Loser, but I am not sure how or when that will happen. I want to return to my very modest roots, so I will continue to divest any useless possessions. That sounds odd considering that I plan to purchase a truck. All of it will make sense in due time. I have not heard from Debbie, my realtor. I forgot that she's on vacation until Friday. My last thought on my encounter with Shirley yesterday — we were like strangers. There is no friendship that exists between us anymore. Shirley has really changed, and she's never reverting back to the old Shirley. She had a "party utensil" in hand when I saw her. She says that she's been going out every night. I don't get it. I believe that something is really wrong with this picture. She's going through a lot of trouble to lose her "innocent" image. Well, she has many new party friends now. I will not be missed. Oddly, my intuition also tells me that she still reads the "blog." However, she may not read the journal because she may not be able access it. I will be deleting her from my Myspace profile in order to deter access to the "blog."

Wednesday March 30

An uneventful day. Lori called and left a message saying that she would drop off some Glucosamine for me at moms' house. I also received a call from a blocked number at 2:30pm. I have gotten three of these calls in the last month. The caller does not leave a message. However, the caller stays on long enough for the voicemail to activate. I am becoming very suspicious about these calls. Kevin is the only person that I know has a blocked number. Coincidentally, these calls have come after I made mention in the "blog" about mummifying my cell phone service. I deleted Shirley from my Myspace profile. Prior to that, I perused her Myspace profile. It seems that I have been correct about her nightly partying. She's either out at a karaoke bar or a bar that has darts every night. She's been doing this non-stop for months. Like Erin, I am now unable to provide any "guidance." My appeal goes out to the former friend to see if she can get to the bottom of the problem. If what Shirley says is correct, then the former friend still reads the journal. I have taken myself out of the loop. Maybe I will see Shirley when she returns to Earth.

The bus ride to Hawai'i Kai was relaxing. I spent most of the time thinking about my pathetic situation. Well, I was focusing on the babe situation. I am not understanding why I cannot come to accept my fate. It's over. Even Robert is coming around, just as The Master, Larry, and all the other single guys whom I know. I am actually only prolonging the agony. I am not going to meet any babes. I am never around any babes to begin with. Then, I am not going to make a move on any of them. Thus, nothing will happen. I already have a nice LCD wide-screen tube. I can be doing what The Master does. Sheesh! I chatted with Pseudo-professor Dorothy this afternoon. She wants to plan a group trip to the Big Island for a weekend. She asked if would go. Of course, I would! A group of us may go to Indigo Happy Hour and go on the Art Walk this Friday. I hope so. I need something to do.

When I arrived in Hawai'i Kai, I saw the package of Glucosamine. Kevin called. He had gone in for another physical exam. He is starting to suffer from the usual old man maladies. He is not very happy about it. I went through that experience myself. Heck, that's why Lori gave me a big-ass bottle of Glucosamine.

Thursday March 31

Another uneventful day. After all, I simply perform my duties as a wage slave. I have no "quality of life." All I do is work. My social life is derived from work. I interact with students and faculty all day long. Aside from that, I have no social life. As I stood at the bus stop this evening, I saw a long line of people waiting to see a movie at the renovated Hawai'i Theater. People were out enjoying a beautiful night with their friends and significant others. I was standing at a bus stop alone, waiting for a bus to take me back to a miserable existence. I can't say that I want to be out partying and drinking every night like Shirley. Been there, done that too fucking many times. It's easy to get caught up in that life-style, though.

The "innocence" issue also gets to me. I had a similar situation when I was a boy in the Army. When I moved to the mainland, I went berserk. I got into a lot of trouble. I was almost expelled from the university in my first year. I ended up with a three-month disciplinary suspension. I was also partying and drinking all the time. Only when I ended up in relationships with babes did I clean up my act. I became "innocent" again. Well, not really. I had similar beliefs about da wild thing as Shirley does. However, I gave into temptation rather quickly. After any break-up, I went right back on the party circuit. I have already given the details of those sordid times in the journal. A few years ago, I contemplated the idea of restoring my "innocence." I yearned to go back to a child-like innocence. No drinking, no "party utensils," no drugs, no cussing, and no wild thing. I always rationalize the old days by saying that I had a lot of fun. Yet, in retrospect, I am not certain. I was a "bad boy," which is why I met and hooked up with hotties. Babes didn't even know I existed when I was innocent. Perhaps that is what plagues Shirley. There are so many "hoochie mommas" out there now, it's hard to compete. However, there is one thing that I have learned. It's not difficult being "bad." Actually, it comes rather easy. It's difficult being "good." I failed because I wanted action. I wanted to be popular. I wanted to have fun. In the end, I wasted a lot of time and money, and I almost brought about my early demise.

Friday April 1

Yet another uneventful day. I was ready to lose my mind. I really wanted to do something aside from the usual nonsense. My wish came true. Pseudo-professor Mike and I had made tentative arrangements to go to Indigo Happy hour and the Art Walk. Pseudo-professor Ralph had also agreed to go along, but he was to call me this afternoon. The other day, I had also asked Pseudo-professor Dorothy to join us, but she was non-committal. Pseudo-professor Mike was true to his word. He and I went to the Indigo Happy hour. Pseudo-professor Ralph had called and said that he was not going to make it because his son was ill. Pseudo-professor Dorothy made a half-ass commitment. A half-crazed, middle-aged babe approached us when were were in the Green Room. She chatted us up. Pseudo-professor Mike was sure that she was up to no good. After all the nonsense, Pseudo-professor Dorothy met up with Pseudo-professor Mike and I at Indigo. We had a great time. I've never had this much fun in a long time. There were young hotties everywhere. We were in the Green Room to begin with, but we ended up outside by the pond. There were several young hotties out there as well. Pseudo-professor Dorothy pointed out that one young hottie in particular was checking out the ol' lavahead. She was not kidding. Baby was a real hottie. Naturally, the ol' loser did nothing about the situation. Pseudo-professor Dorothy gave me crap for the rest of the night about that. Pseudo-professor Ralph called us. He said that he and his family would meet us along the Art Walk. We all ended up at the one gallery where wine was flowing like water. Then, we walked over to Mark's Garage Gallery and the Louis Pohl Gallery. Pseudo-professor Mike gave me a ride back to Hawai'i Kai.

I was hammered, as to be expected. I'm not sure why, but this was the most fun I've had on an Art Walk. Pseudo-professor Dorothy is still planning the Big Island trip. I urged her to follow through with it because we would have a great time. I told her to give me time to find a young hottie to bring along. She laughed. Overall, I am thankful for this day. I would have lost my mind otherwise. By the way, we had some interesting conversations tonight. A lot of interesting facts came out. I disclosed my secret, and the others disclosed some eye-opening facts as well. I'll be writing those details later.

Saturday April 2

The meeting between moms, my bro, the attorney and I happened this morning as planned. The meeting went well over an hour. The attorney covered all of the possible contingencies for the disposition of moms' house. There were some tense moments between my bro and moms. After the attorney left, we continued the discussion. Moms still wants to "gift" the house to my bro and I. The house will pass to us once the paperwork is complete. My bro will then purchase my half. He will have to secure a mortgage. I will have to assume the 22 percent tax on the proceeds, unless I can effect a "1031 Exchange." I have decided that I can cover most of moms' medical costs in case the Medicaid 36-month "look back" occurs. I can probably cover close to year of payments to an assisted care facility.

My bro washed his truck. We then made the benign journey to Chez Loser. I bought an eight-pack of Guiness and a whole mess of snacks at Foodland in Kane'ohe. We spent the rest of the afternoon and evening at Chez Loser. We primarily discussed the disposition of moms' house. I offered to have moms come to visit me for a few days every now and then to help alleviate any friction between moms and my bro's family. My bro was extremely concerned about the mortgage. He is looking at paying me about $300,000 or more. I detailed everything about my mortgage transaction. That did little to settle his nerves. Even I am beginning to wonder if he will qualify for a loan. Moms' plan must take effect almost immediately. Otherwise, the plan may as well be scrapped. Moms should have come up with this idea three years ago. I am looking at June 1st as the target date when my bro's family will be back in moms' house. Title should be transferred completely to my bro by then. I will be moving into Chez Loser right after that.

The ultimate disposition of Chez Loser is unknown. I would like to divest it as well. My goal is to move back to town and live in some kind of cheap hovel. The latter plan is subject to the disposition of moms' house. The whole situation is quite unnerving for me. My bro is also quite disturbed. He has to assume the financial obligation of a mortgage. The attorney also made clear that he could lose the place in a divorce proceeding. The divorce rate in Hawai'i is 70 percent, by the way. This is a New Beginning for all of us, but it is filled with with more uncertainty than anything else. The issue of mortality is at the forefront as well.

Sunday April 3

I made the benign journey to Chez Loser again. Same old shit. I found the bottle of wine given to my by the former friend at my New Beginning celebration over a year ago. I popped the cork and had a few glasses. It is about a year now since the former friend disassociated from the ol' lavahead. The unit above Chez Loser is a rental. A new tenant is in there. The fucking fat slob stomps whenever he walks. He also paces around a lot. Can you believe this idiocy? Ten years ago, I was writing about a similar idiot named Loser. Sheesh!

After I returned to Hawai'i Kai, I decided to relax. My bro came by late in the afternoon. We ended up chatting more about mortgages. I showed him all the paperwork involved. Later, we sat with moms and discussed the matter even further. Moms wants to transfer the property very soon. So, the attorney will be drafting the paperwork this week. I expect that the transfer of the property will occur with two weeks. I sent off e-mail to Brenda, the loan officer at the bank. I gave her some background information and told her that my bro will be making an appointment with her. I also sent another e-mail to Debbie, my realtor, to get an idea of what the Fair Market Value of the house should be. This will determine what my bro needs to borrow. My bro is becoming a little fearful. I also suspect that he would like to pay a lot less than $300,000 for my share. I will not budge on this. My bro is getting a house in prestigious Hawai'i Kai for half the price. I'm living in a dump in Kane'ohe with a stomping fat slob for a neighbor.

Monday April 4

I neglected to mention that Caroll had called yesterday. She seems to be doing fine. She is going to lose the lease for her place in August. My bro also mentioned yesterday that they may require an additional month before moving back into moms' house. I'm not sure why he wants to pay another month of rent when he may have a mortgage by then. I have not seen or heard from Shirley, so I assume that we are merely acquaintances. I will need to get the spare keys for Chez Loser from her. I don't think that she even noticed that I'm not in her Myspace Friends Space anymore. I won't be missed.

Another day of the same old shit. Wage slavery is really starting to get to me. As always, I went to the gym. The only enjoyable part of the day was when I was to chat with Pseudo-professors Mike and Dorothy. When I returned to Hawai'i Kai, I had another discussion with moms about the house. The attorney now wants to change the plan. My bro will buy the house from moms. Then, moms will pay me off. This makes no sense. I suggested that we stay with the original plan. My family panics over the smallest bullshit. And, moms is too overprotective with my bro's family. I want to expedite this whole process. I expect the final transfer to my bro to happen by the end of the month. However, if the idiocy continues, then we will be kicking the can for several months. Sadly, I have some apprehension about the end result. I will leave moms in the hands of my bro's family. And, I may not see any of them for long periods of time. Perhaps when my bro owns the house, he will be more comfortable with visiting the ol' lavahead. Only time will tell.

I have my own issues to deal with. With each passing day, I am becoming more unstable because of the babe situation. Yeah, it sounds stupid. I still want a babe really bad. Why can't I accept my lot in life? Why can't I just be happy sitting at home and watching the tube all night long, just like all the other single senior citizen losers? None of them have any desire to deal with babes. They are happy alone. They love it. The distraction of dealing with moms' house will keep me busy for the next two months. After that, I'm not sure what I will do.

Tuesday April 5

Last night, I tried to imagine how The Master convinces himself that it's truly over. In the last few of his ambulatory years, he has resigned himself to his lot in life. In my eyes, he has just given up. Larry even admits to the same. Anonder has the same conviction, but he firmly believes in the life-style he leads. How can I attain that exact state of mind? So far, I have been unsuccessful in my attempts. The inability to defer to the loser life-style will be my downfall. When I move into Chez Loser, I will be forced into the loser life-style. How am I going to cope?

I am spending each day now in deep contemplation of the ramification of mom's plan to pass the house to my bro and I. Nothing else seems to matter. Wage slavery has become surreal. I am now so detached from my work that I am not even sure of what I am doing. I reflect on my role in the general scheme of things. When my bro's family moves back in their home, they will also be taking care of moms. I will be on the outside. I am not looking forward to my lonely existence in Chez Loser. I keep envisioning The Master sitting in his recliner in front of the tube.

I chatted with Robert today. I was also able to see his cubicle in the State Capitol. We chatted about the babe situation as usual. Robert seemed a little more cavalier about it, so I assumed that he increased the dosage of his meds. I am now fully cognizant of his viewpoint that it's over for us. He's right. As I've observed many times in the journal, people like Robert, The Master, and I are single for a reason. We go for very long periods alone. Socially, we have nothing to offer. There is something about our personalities that repels people. We also have nothing to offer. We have no services that people need. As one older student at the Asylum pointed out, "You're no fun. You're too serious." I have become very serious. Almost every word out of my mouth is some kind of serious advice or admonition. No one wants to hear it. I was not always this way. I've become gravely serious because of my perception that I have so little time left. The journal has reflected this seriousness. Only the "blog" has taken a leap back in time to more playful times. Yet, even now, the "blog" is becoming dark. One can see it in The Master's face and under the facade of the medically induced euphoria in Robert. Unless we return to our more playful state, people will avoid us like the plague. We are taking life too seriously. What happened to the ol' lavahead who was extremely popular ten years ago?

Each passing event has made me weaker. My break-up with Lori. My dysfunctional family. Pops' passing on in the most dreadful manner. Mid-life crisis. The Big Five-O. Geriatric anxiety. Now, moms has decided to pass the house to my bro and I. The latter will bring about the greatest changes. Each event has triggered bouts of melancholia, pushing to lower depths. Couple that with the fact that I have never made any decent friends here. It's a "phase of life," if I were to cite the cases of The Master, Larry, and all the other old single guys. We're going to be like all the lonely old guys sitting around Ala Moana. That's our destiny.

Wednesday April 6

In my last desperate act of friendship to Shirley, I called Ramona this morning. It was quite awkward at the beginning. I discussed my concerns about Shirley, particularly what I have been observing. As far as I could tell, Shirley has been out partying almost every night. I had perused her Myspace profile again. I believe that Shirley is even far deeper into crap than I previously thought. Comments have been deleted to cover up activity. She's also been hanging out with a couple of 21-year-old Diploma Mill students. One is an international student from Nepal, Prashamsa. I recognized Prashamsa's picture. She was a former student of mine. This is the student whom Shirley wants to travel to Rome with. Shirley has also been hanging out with Seth's friends, mostly to go out drinking and partying. For the most part, Shirley has been hanging out with the Diploma Mill students.

Ramona said that she did not know much of what's been going on. She has not spoken with Shirley for several weeks. She's called Shirley to help out with coaching her team, but Shirley has not showed up to one event. "I know she gets off work at six, so I called her to help out," she said. "She never shows up. Then, I would see her at Blockbuster at eleven." Incidentally, Shirley had told me that she was still helping Ramona during one of the last times we had lunch together. Ramona also mentioned that she has driven by Shirley's parents' place and noticed that her car is never there. Ramona also confided that Shirley has said that she's feeling lost. This is what I suspected. When she lost Erin as a friend, and subsequently almost lost Ramona as a friend, she was on her own. "I've always told her that she is the most stable when she is around stable people," Ramona told me. "She's easily influenced by the people around her." So, apparently, when I decided to move to the sidelines of friendship when I did not agree with her life-style, I removed one other aspect of that stability.

I believe that Erin's thesis concerning the "innocence" issues is at play. Ramona lives a very conservative life-style. She doesn't drink or party. Ramona may be single for the rest of her life, which is certainly not what Shirley wants. Thus, Ramona will not be able to help Shirley in that respect. I can see why Shirley is lost. She's about to graduate with no intention of working in a field close to her major. She's turning 25 years old. Her sister is getting married. Shirley lives with her parents, both of whom are retired and are home all the time. She works as a cashier at Daiei, something she's done since high school. Her parents pay for everything, so her only expenses are her car insurance and her cell phone. Yet, when I talked with Shirley, she maintains the facade that everything is going well. She's "just going through a phase." I have seen the "phase" degenerate into a life-style. Unless, she gets out now, she will be stuck in that rut for a long time. I tried to tell her that I went through the same bullshit, but she argued with me. That's when I became extremely frustrated and moved myself to the sidelines. I mentioned to Ramona that I did not have much credibility with Shirley because I am a guy. Yet, I am not sure what either Ramona or I can do.

The only reason that I called Ramona is because I am worried about Shirley. I cannot really stop being her friend. I only include this information for archival purposes. I was late to work because the express bus broke down. There was a faculty meeting at the Asylum. I am not even sure what is going on. There are some new plans being implemented, but I am not able to ascertain the ramifications right now. I went to the gym and did my usual workout. I contemplated my conversation with Ramona. After the gym, I walked back to the Diploma Mill. I saw someone running toward me out of the corner of my eye. It was Shirley. She had a "party utensil." We had a nice chat. She seemed really happy. She asked if I wanted to do lunch on Saturday because that is her B-day. I said that I would have to contact her later about that. The attorney is supposed to come by on Saturday morning. She's going to SuperBrawl on Saturday night with people from work. Shirley bought a used digital camera on eBay. She showed it to me. Looks like a great deal. I asked her if everything was okay. She said that everything was fine. She's just trying to have fun because the college years are supposed to be the most fun times. "Life doesn't end when you graduate," I said. "You can still have fun after that." In the back of my mind, I kept thinking about what Ramona had said about how Shirley feels lost. It's the gut feeling that I have right now.

To be continued ... Go to E.22

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