The Exodus Files
Game of Fools

Wednesday May 11, 2005

Yes, a few days have gone by since I have updated the journal. Most of the days have been the same old shit as is always the case. Monday night, Shirley had called me from town. I did not see the message until I arrived in Kane'ohe. I was moving some things to Chez Loser. I called Shirley. She was already close to Kailua. She decided to drive in to meet me at Chez Loser. She brought some brewskis with her. We drank the brewskis and partook of the "party utensils" for a couple of hours. Seth kept calling Shirley because he needed to use Shirley's Blockbuster card to rent a movie. I departed when she left. We had an interesting conversation. There is a chance that I may see her more this Summer once I move to Chez Loser.

Shirley needed help on a project using Dreamweaver, so she met me at 9am at the Diploma Mill yesterday. I had nothing else to do, so I sat with her for about two hours to assist her. She met me after her class. We ended up at Che Pasta for lunch. Shirley did not like the cuisine there. I had to admit that the food wasn't as good as it usually is. We had a nice chat. She had to go to class, so we ended lunch. I saw her after her class. She said that she would call me later, although she never did. I suspect that she went out partying with Prashamsa and the crew. I am not certain if Shirley is going to Italy this Summer. She has not made reservations because of some kind of lame excuse that Prashamsa's father's check won't clear. So, Prashamsa cannot get her own tickets either. I moved more stuff to Chez Loser that evening.

My bro came by on Tuesday and Wednesday night to drop stuff off. Everything is piling up in the "warehouse." Moms said that the bro is going to sign the final paperwork on Friday. I am not sure if this is the closing or not. I sure hope so. Moms also mentioned some kind of misunderstanding about who the check would be made out to. So, I am assuming that the loan is being funded. Lori is very skeptical about all of this. We've been communicating via e-mail for the past few days. I just want this all to be over with. My bro and his family are moving back in regardless, and I do not want to be here when they do. Well, absolutely nothing happened today, so there's nothing to include.

The issue of the journal is now in the limelight. I am considering the termination of the journal after my bro pays me off. As I stated in the last chapter, I believe that I have reached the pinnacle of my life. There will be no babe. I am destined to be alone the rest of my life. However, with the payoff, I will live a comfortable existence. At present, I plan to continue the journal until the payoff occurs. There's still a chance that the bro won't get his loan funded. Hypothetically, this could be the last few weeks of the journal. Thus, I need to clear up a few loose ends during that time. The "blog" will continue indefinitely, or until I decide that it has outlived its usefulness as well.

Thursday May 12

The big day is tomorrow when the alleged closing will take place. It is also Sinister Kahuna Day. Shirley called me while I was at the gym. She wanted to know where Occidental Underwriters was located. I did not know that she was driving at the time. I called her back after I go out of the gym. She had found the place by then. She was there to take care of car insurance paperwork. I'm not sure what that's about. I'm trying to figure out why she called me. I rarely hear from her as it is. She said that she had to go to the Diploma Mill to finish a project. After that, she was most likely going out partying.

Lori and I have postponed our Summer activities plan until next week at the earliest. Glenn at the Asylum told me that he wants to go surfing this Summer. I said that I'd for sure go with him.

Sinister Kahuna Day

An unexciting day. The highlight was when Pseudo-professor Ralph decided that we should go to Indigo Happy Hour. Pseudo-professor Dorothy and Professor Valentina also came along. I can't say that we had a great time. There's nothing more boring than a bunch of faculty going out, especially if everyone is a senior citizen. We didn't stay long, which was for the better. I was quite despondent afterward. I decided to take another small load of crap to Chez Loser. I stopped off at Safeway and bought a 12-pack of brewskis to keep me company. I was drowning my sorrows when Austin, one of my students, called. He invited me to a party. They were in Kane'ohe, so it was no problem for me to drive there. I had a great time with all the students at the party. Beer was flowing like water. "Party utensils" were being distributed freely. Quite a few of my students were there. The party was still going after 1am. I was hammered. However, security guards came by to break up the party after that. Some of my students escorted me out of the ensuing debacle. I was thankful for that. All in all, I had a great time.

I have not seen or heard from Shirley. She's out partying, I'm sure. An interesting archival note is that Shirley is the only one with a car. None of the people in the Diploma Mill group have a car except Prashamsa's boyfriend. And, Seth can't drive because of the DUI, so Shirley has to take him around. So, when they go partying with Seth's friends, Shirley has to drive. Another interesting observation. I believe that Shirley has not gotten over Mark yet. Mark was her true love, and the only guy she ever did da wild thing with. Lately, Mark keeps coming up in our conversations a lot. I'll have one other important detail later.

Saturday May 14

I caught the bus to town to do a little work at the Diploma Mill. When I returned to Hawai'i Kai, I did my tanning hike up Koko Head. I felt pretty shitty after partying last night. The hike helped clear my head. My sister-in-law arrived with more shit just before I returned. Moms' house is now filled with shit. Moms already moved to the smaller room. My bro arrived later and dropped more stuff off, but he did not stay and chat. He's probably pissed off as usual. My truck is parked in his garage. And, I am still in his house. I hope he squared away his mortgage before he starts flexing his arms around me. As far as I'm concerned, he don't own shit until he pays up. I've got one small load left before I am completely gone. I am taking my time in order to run interference, as Lori suggested.

I will only keep all that's needed to subsist at moms' house. Everything else will be gone tomorrow. I will stay on for another week, if even that. I am just waiting for the check. I'm a little worried about moms, but I'm getting over it. Moms is trying to expedite my move as well because she feels sorry for my bro. Wait until the shit hits the fan in a few months. There will be no love lost. I'll be long gone by then. Moms didn't even bother to ask about the closing. Moms became irritated when I asked. This is the most important part of the process and moms doesn't care anymore. What the fuck?

Sunday May 15

I had chatted with Robert briefly on Friday. He has two weeks left before he is officially unemployed. He doesn't seem too bothered, since all he can talk about is his bass. He'll be an unemployed attorney/bass player. He'll be losing his medical benefits, which is essential for him to receive his meds. He will need to up the dosage on his meds soon. I suspect that Robert is now a prime candidate for "crash and burn." Shirley seems to share the same kind of cavalier attitude. She has one class left. In six weeks, she will graduate from the Diploma Mill. Right now, she's depending on Daiei for work. She's worked there as a cashier for eight years. I had urged her to do an internship through the Diploma Mill, but she shot down the idea. I suspect that her parents have dropped her from their car insurance policy because she's no longer a dependent. So, that's why she had to go to the insurance company earlier in the week. No doubt, the rate is going to be higher. If her parents start charging her rent, then she will have a new expenditure. Yet, all she is doing is partying and hanging out. The intense level of partying suggests that she is distracting herself from the stress of the immediate future and the BoyToy situation. When she is bored, she spends that time on Myspace. I am wondering what's going to happen when she finishes school. All she will do is work at Daiei and go out partying.

Moms indicated that the Ninja Turds will be moving in next weekend. No one has any idea if they actually went through closing. Yes, I am resurrecting the name "Ninja Turds." Moms' house is now completely stacked with crap. There is no room to put any of that shit. And, this is not even half of the crap they are moving. I will be in and out of moms' house all week. I will then permanently relocate to Chez Loser before the Turds move in.

As it stands, I will be winding down the journal as soon as I move to Chez Loser permanently. I won't have Net access unless I am at work. In addition, I do not feel that I will have anything more to add to the journal after this. In other words, I have reached the pinnacle of my life. Nothing more significant will happen.

My bro arrived around noon with a truckload of shit. His buddy, Lance, also has a truck and it was full, too. I am glad that my bro did not ask me to help him. He has a lot of animosity. I don't care. After the payoff, I'm outta here. I will stay in touch with moms. Moms' house is now completely stuffed with crap. All the rooms are piled with crap. I suspect that the Turds had stuff in storage as well. I left for Chez Loser right away. I essentially brought over my last load. When I returned to Hawai'i Kai, I did my yardboy chores. This will be the last time. Moms told me that the Turds are moving in on Saturday. I had asked my bro how the closing went. He said that it went well, so I assume this will all soon be over. Moms gave me more stuff, so I have another load to transport. Sheesh!

Monday May 16

Caroll had called yesterday. I listened to her moan and complain for an hour about the same old shit. She's having trouble at her job again. She's having roommate problems. And, she's having financial problems. Every three months, it's the same cycle. Her life will continue on in this fashion forever. History is repeating itself.

I chatted with Robert today. He seemed very animated, so I assumed that he increased the dosage of his meds. He brought up the babe situation. I asked him if he was ready to accept babes in his age group as the only viable option. He said no. History is repeating itself.

In my own case, history was repeating itself until I decided to invoke my five-year plan. Everything has changed. Well, everything except the babe situation. I am also seeing why I have been alienated by most of the people whom I know. I have finally reached a moderate level of material success. Most of those people are struggling along. We all have common roots. I just decided to do something about the situation. Like Robert, I am not willing to hook up with babes in my age group. It is a decision that has sealed my fate. I will be single forever. This is why the journal will end soon. I will continue to live the mundane single life. Nothing really will be worthy of mention. I really had hoped that I would have found someone to share my life with. That's not going to happen. I don't need to write about my life as a single guy. Just read most of the journal. History is repeating itself.

I have not seen or heard from Shirley. It's actually all for the better. I read her responses to a few more Myspace surveys. She's been drinking and partying almost every night. There seems to be increased friction at home. She wants her own place. My guess is that she's staying out as much as possible to avoid going home. She's seen all of her friends living on their own, and now she wants her independence. I don't see that happening anytime soon. She's also communicating more with Ramona. I don't think that Ramona is credible anymore. Shirley doesn't want to end up like Ramona. Ramona wants Shirley to remain single and be part of her gang of single babes. Shirley wants to get married and live in an $800,000 home in Kailua Bluffs. I do not know any guy in her age group or my age group who could afford that. Shirley changed her picture for her Myspace profile. In that picture, it's fairly obvious to see what a babe she really is. Shirley is looking to hook up in any way possible. My guess is that it's going to end tragically like her other relationships. This time, she'll be even more hurt. The reason? She's struggling with the idea of doing da wild thing. This is an issue that she will have to face sooner or later. However, her own morals are going to haunt her when she gives it up only to find out that she was used. She's going to have to sleep with a number of guys. This is real life. She has disassociated from me for a number of reasons, I assume. I also know that she reads the "blog." I don't know what's going to happen to Shirley, but I am completely out of the loop.

I have invoked the basics of Plan B. I am expecting to sell Chez Loser next March, if I don't find a babe by then. A unit in the complex was listed for $335,000 which is $110,000 over what I paid. The units have been selling. I am planning to discontinue the journal as soon as my bro pays me off. I am now tying up loose ends in the story. I have promised some of my students at the Asylum that I would keep the "blog" going until August when they graduate. I will try to keep it going that long. We are seeing that history keeps repeating itself, and that is why the end is near. I have many more things to share before I go.

Tuesday May 17

Anonder sent Myspace e-mail to communicate some his thoughts. He's seemingly disappointed in the path I have taken, which he refers to as "backsliding." I will admit that I feel the same way to a point. The townhouse has come in handy, now that I am being forced to move. Rents in Honolulu are already approaching my mortgage payment. I could have bought a piece of shit car instead of a new truck. However, I only have a few more good years before I cannot drive anymore. I did not want a car. I wanted something more useful. So, I bought a truck. The bus service in Kane'ohe ends at 10 o' clock. I cannot be stuck in Chez Loser. Provided that my bro pays me off, I will have a total of $367,000 in the bank. I plan to reserve one-quarter of that for moms in case she needs medical care before Medicaid eligibility. I have nothing else to spend money on. I will continue to work and pay my monthly bills directly from my income. My iBook is starting to show signs of age. The modem seems to be giving me trouble. I am not going to buy another computer. I will not have Net access at Chez Loser. I am not putting in a land line. I have cable tube service, but I am not going to subscribe to cable Net service. For the most part, I will still sell off or give away crap that I don't need. My life is relatively simple. In the end, living as a single and independent guy is costly. It costs marginally more for two or more people (read: a family). I will only live this life-style for as long as I can tolerate it.

This is one thing that Shirley does not understand. She will never make enough at Daiei to move out on her own. She does not cook, nor does she do her own laundry. The only time that she has had any domestic responsibility was the few months that she lived with Mark. He lived in an extension of his parent's home. So, that's unrealistic as well. Her only options are to find a roommate to live with (unlikely since her friends are all hooked up) or find a BoyToy. I am sure that she can find a BoyToy, but she will be in for a rude awakening. Her hotness will surely lure a lot of guys. Yet, what is she going to bring to the table? I've gone over most of this before, so I am just repeating myself. There is one more important archival information that I will include about Shirley before I go.

Lori has been urging me to stay on at moms' house as long as I can. She doesn't understand that I am in a lose-lose scenario. I must concede to my bro. I can only rely upon the sales contract which states that the house ownership reverts back to moms if the Turds do not pay up. I called the attorney today, but I have not received a reply. I am completely stressed out because I want this deal done and over with before I leave on Friday night for good. My bro is already resentful that he has to pay for anything.

The situation at Chez Loser is grim. I am quite certain that I will sell the place next March as per Plan B. I have to find a babe by March, or Chez Loser goes. I'm not looking very hard, so you know what will happen. I transported more stuff there last night. I bought a bottle of the fake "Hammer" to keep me company. Is that what I must do every night in order to tolerate the loneliness? Moms is giving me a lot more stuff, which I really don't want. I am already becoming melancholy thinking about my solitary life in Kane'ohe. My mid-life crisis has ramped up severely. In the "blog," I detailed how the Vienna Sausage was non-operational. The truth is the Vienna Sausage has always been operational. I am certain that I could still do da wild thing four or five times a day just like in the old days. That's why I'm losing it. Chronologically I've reached the Big Five-O, but physiologically I'm not even close. There are still more things to discuss before I go.

Wednesday May 18

The attorney never returned my call, which now makes me suspicious about everything. If Lori is correct, the loan must be funded by 2pm Friday. There is no sign that the loan went through at all. The Turds will be moving in on Saturday regardless. This has me very apprehensive about the whole affair. I am beginning to wonder if I will ever see the dough. Moms will probably end up supporting the Turds as they have already initiated their homesteading.

Shirley called me late this afternoon. She wanted to know if I would attend the Diploma Mill graduation with her. I was working the night shift at the Asylum, so that was impossible. As it turns out, Shirley is without a car. She had gone into town on Saturday evening. She parked near the Diploma Mill and ended up staying over at Liza's place. The next morning, she discovered that someone had rammed her car from behind. The damage was extensive. She now has to purchase another car, but she doesn't have much money. She also mentioned that she has increased hours at Daiei. She wants me to go running on the beach with her this Summer as part of the Summer activities. I am wondering how she's going to go out partying now that she has no car. She is using her father's truck, but I cannot believe that her father will let her run amuck with his truck. What I am seeing is the beginning of "crash and burn." I sure hope that Shirley knows what she's doing.

Thursday May 19

The attorney returned my call this morning. We played phone tag for a while, but I finally spoke with her. Closing for the Turd's mortgage is tomorrow. The loan is actually being funded today, so the check should be available as early as tomorrow. It looks as though we are coming to the end of the line. Once the check is deposited in my account, this journal is a done deal.

There are other issues at play. The Asylum is in meltdown. All faculty are getting their pay reduced. I will be making $270 less per class. So, for 20 classes, I will make $5,400 less per year. I have pretty much decided that I will sell Chez Loser next March. I am already not liking the idea of living there. I'd rather live in a tiny roach-infested dump in town. Selling Chez Loser is dependent upon the caveat of Plan B, namely that I must divest the place if I cannot find a babe by then. I'm already 100 percent certain that I won't find a babe.

I have also now correlated that Shirley only seems to call me when she needs something. Yesterday, she called because she wanted me to drive to the Diploma Mill graduation ceremony. There is little need for me to keep in contact with Shirley. That leaves me with one loose end to tie up about her. A few weeks ago, she told me her secret. She had a one-night stand, she claimed, with one of her old high school BoyToys. I believe that it happened on the night that she had the party at her place. You may not read about it in the journal because it was possibly purged. Shirley was hammered that night. The party was at her parents' house. Her parents were gone for a few days. David was there at the party. He was still there when I left. She said that she was too drunk to remember if it even was pleasurable. This summarizes the whole damned situation with Shirley. This is why she is out getting drunk and partying all the time. And, it's also why she keeps trying to lose the "innocent" image. She is innocent. She cannot bring herself to become a ho' like the rest of the babes out there. However, that's what it's going to take to find and keep her next BoyToy. If you go back and read the journal in September from when she started having problems with Jason, her last BoyToy, then you will see exactly what I am talking about. This is also why she is still stuck on Mark. This is the last discussion about Shirley. I do not expect to see or hear from her again, and I will make sure of the latter.

There are only a few more days before I will terminate the journal. I am now thinking about terminating the "blog" as well. I have nothing more to share about my life. The direction that I am going now is not indicative of where I will end up. I still have a strong tendency to pursue mendicance as an ascetic. Remaining single for the rest of my life precludes any need for more than the necessities. I am enjoying what is left of my good years. I am deeply saddened that I will be alone forever. However, there's not much that I can do. I refuse to settle for a babe in my age group. I plan to update the journal at least one more time. That will be in March when I will have to sell Chez Loser as part of Plan B. I have a just a few more things to discuss before I go.

Friday May 20

I had a lot more to discuss, but then I realized that it was all the same old shit. History keeps repeating itself. I am painfully prolonging the end of the journal. I am grateful for the sheer number of readers who have passed through this spot over the last ten years. I have become friends with many of you, even though I have never met some of you. You have come to know me and my life better than I.

There's a lot of crap going on right now, some of which is good and some of which is bad. I've grown accustomed to this. I am feeling a sense of freedom by not needing to write an entry every night. Yet, I also feel a void. There are many issues that still need to to be settled. I'm not sure how or when that will happen. Most of you know those issues. The "blog" will continue to loosely chronicle my life. I will tell you right now that it has already diverged from reality. I've done that for a reason.

My next journal entry is due around March 31, 2006 when I detail the progress of Plan B. I may or may not update the journal before that. At this time, I wish you all the best. Aloha and Mahalo from the ol' lavahead. You can also send e-mail to the ol' lavahead at Myspace e-mail, the Yahoo! e-mail, or the one listed below.

Early Update - July 13

The "blog" had been tracking events quite accurately except for the situation with mom's house. The Turds went through closing on May 13th. The check for $267,500 was delivered to moms on May 25th. Moms deposited the check and cut a new one in my name. I deposited the check on May 27th. The Turds now officially own the house. Moms is simply a tenant. The Turds changed pretty much overnight into the same loser they were seven years ago. Moms cannot do anything about it. From what I learned, the Turds began treating moms poorly. My bro began his yelling tirades again. My sister-in-law was treating moms with little respect.

Shirley had kept in touch on and off, mostly when she appeared to need something. She finally managed to get a rental car on May 24th. She called to give me a ride home on that day. She chatted with me over a couple of brewskis before Seth called and summoned her. She mentioned that she failed one of her classes. Little wonder since she has put in so little time. She has spent most of her time with Seth because Prashamsa had gone on a trip to Cali for two weeks. Shirley said that she received $3,400 for her car from the insurance company. She does not want to spend any more than that on a replacement car. The rental car was paid up until Saturday May 28th, so Shirley went hog wild. She apparently went partying like crazy. Shirley is still a real hottie.

I did not adjust well to living in Chez Loser. The first few nights were terrible. I felt so alone. All I had for entertainment was the tube. What an awful way to keep occupied! I do not know how The Master watches the tube day in and day out. There's not much else that I can do since I essentially have no friends. Friends that I do have are hermits.

The situation at the Asylum continued to deteriorate. The faculty are going to take a massive pay cut in September. In addition, none of us will have enough classes to qualify for medical benefits, no less make enough to survive. The check from my bro came at the right time, although I am not planning to spend any of the money. Interest rates at the time were at 2.47 percent for money market (3.83 percent for bond funds). I anticipate that I can make up for the deficit at the Asylum through interest income and the small pay raise at the Diploma Mill.

Memorial Day weekend was a killer for me. I had nothing to do. Living in Chez Loser can only be summarized as tortuous. I continue to do the same things to kill time. I drive to Hawai'i Kai to go hiking up Koko Head. I drive to Kahala Mall in the evenings just to hang out where there are people around. I actually went to Ala Moana to look around. I ended up going to Pier 1, but I have little interest in investing in any new furniture. On Monday, I drove to Hawai'i Kai in the morning to pick up moms. We drove back to Kane'ohe to see Chez Loser. We then ate lunch at Panda Express. Even moms knows how boring it is at Chez Loser. There's absolutely nothing to do. Moms wanted to see Haiku Gardens, so we drove there after lunch. Haiku Gardens is just right up the street from Chez Loser. Moms remembers the last time we were the. That was years ago when we went around the island with Aunty Margaret. The restaurant was closed for a private party. A Taiko drum troop was providing entertainment in the gardens. So, we were privy to a nice show. When we returned to Hawai'i Kai, I walked down to the gym. When I returned, I ended up droppin' back a few brewskis with my bro. The situation at the house seemed to have stabilized.

With each passing day, I lapsed further and further into melancholia. The cheap booze was not helping. What's amazing is that I have $370,000 in the bank, which makes me quite economically stable, yet I was locking myself into deeper forms of depression. In essence, I lost control of my life and my destiny. I no longer wanted to do anything. Even the most mundane activity seemed like an enormous chore. I kept thinking about improving my quality of life, but I made no move to change anything. The freedom that I wanted was already there, but I was frozen in inaction. Even Lori tried to talk me out of this bullshit situation.

I chatted with Robert on June 1st. He is now officially unemployed. I asked him if he had come to accept babes in his age group. "Have you?" he asked. Obviously, he knew what my answer was. Later, he was checking out the babes on the on-line personals. All of them were in their twenties. He said that he is committed to joining the gym. However, I have heard this too many times.

Lori and I planned to go surfing on Thursday that week, but the plans fell through. I was losing my mind as it was. I actually had to sit in the church across from the Diploma Mill for an hour. It was the only way that I was able to calm down. Glen at the Asylum wanted to go surfing as well, but I was not sure if that would ever happen. Seems as though no one can snap into action. That makes me want to lose my fucking mind.

On Friday June 3rd, Pseudo-professor Mike organized the outing for the Art Walk. His brother Pat flew in from Kaua'i. Pseudo-professors Bill and Glenn were there. Pseudo-professor Glenn's wife, Nancy, was also there. Pseudo-professor Mike also invited Andrea, a single babe in her forties. The latter was specifically for my benefit. Pseudo-professor Dorothy was supposed to show up, but she flaked out. I surmise that she was in deep depression. We spent a lot of time at Indigo. Then, we finally went on the Art Walk. Pseudo-professor Bill and Pat ended up in the sleazy Club Pauahi for a few brewskis. Later, we ran into Pat. He told us that Pseudo-professor Bill was busy with some 24-year-old Marshall Island babe. Apparently baby came onto him. He was also trying to hit on Andrea while we were at the Indigo. Sometimes Pseudo-professor Bill reminds me of one of the characters in the movie, "Sideways." The rest of us were able to tour the renovated Hawai'i Theater. Andrea left early. Pseudo-professor Mike, Pat, and I ended up back at Indigo. There were so many young hotties in there. I was losing my mind.

We had an interesting discussion. I knew that Pseudo-professor Mike was still married, but he and his wife are planning to separate. In the meantime, he's having an affair with some other babe. Pat is divorced but he's having an affair with a married babe. Mind you, everyone in this group is much older than I am. We also had the "any port in a storm" discussion. I am surprised at the sheer number of peers and non-peers who keep telling me to settle for a babe in my age group. My peers always add the "any port in a storm" bullshit. They suggest that I try to hook up with any and all mid-life and senior citizen babes just to get my rocks off. This is, of course, after the implication that I am immature because I want a young hottie. So, is it much more mature for me to be desperate and screw as many older babes as possible, even though I have no attraction for them?

I came to realize how screwed up my peers really are. The mid-life crisis and senior citizen crowd is totally dysfunctional. Most of them suffer from chronic depression. They are on medication for psychological and/or physiological ailments. Most have been married and are now divorced. They also have kids. I share nothing in common with these people. If "maturity" means that I must end up like them, then I will remain immature. I do enjoy hanging out with my peers, but I cannot buy into their thinking. It's becoming obvious to me that marriage, having kids, and divorce seem to be what ages people and turns them into cynical basket cases.

I spent most of the weekend of June 4th at my bro's place. Mainly, I wanted to see moms. My bro and I have been getting along fairly well. Moms made dinner on both Saturday and Sunday night, so I was able to eat well. My bro and I also dropped back quite a few brewskis. I wish that I could get out of that drinking mode, but it's becoming more difficult. Rod called while I was at my bro's place. He and Hortense will be vacationing in Hawai'i again. They arrive on June 16th.

I keep trying to understand why I am so despondent, and why I cannot bring myself to do the simplest things. I am, from what I can tell, in a state of depression. There's no reason except that I don't have a babe. Everything else is covered. I now have enough money in the bank to live comfortably for a long time. The job situation continued to be depressing, especially at the Asylum. The only other stressor that I was able to identify is "geriatric anxiety." I continue to not be comfortable with growing old. I feel as though I am wasting the last of my good years. Yet, I cannot identify anything that I really need to do (i.e., travel, etc.).

I have been able to piece a few things together about Shirley through Myspace. Her father apparently gave her his old truck, which is why she has not gone to look for another car. It's an older Nissan truck. What I find amusing is that Shirley gave me a hard time about my truck, and now she has one. Shirley also changed her Myspace profile on June 14th. She has a new picture, which really accentuates what a hottie she is. Her headline now reads, "i know ... i look young." She changed the headline a few days later to, "a little of everything all rolled into one." She has also changed the song on her profile to "We Belong Together" by Mariah Carey. My guess is that Shirley is gradually starting to look for a new BoyToy. In the meantime, she's continuing to hang out with Seth and Prashamsa. And, she's still partying. I've read some of her posted survey questions. What is most disturbing is the constant reference to alcohol and drinking. To a question asked about essentials in life, she responded, "Family, friends, and alcohol." She also stopped running about two weeks after she started. That's probably why I never heard from her about running on the beach. From what I can gather, she is planning to go to Italy in July. For the record, I had not seen or heard from Shirley since she dropped me off in the rental car three weeks prior. I am not sure what happened that evening. Something changed the course of our friendship. For the time being, Shirley is working and mostly hanging out with Seth and Seth's sister every night. Drinking and partying seem to be the priority. Aside from that, she seems to spend her idle time on Myspace. This is the advanced stage of social addiction as I had detailed before.

I had some interesting discussions with Robert during this time. I asked about the babe situation. His reply? "If I can't have the best, I don't want the rest." He is, of course, referring to young hotties. Robert also signed up for the gym. He purchased a three-year membership. However, a week had gone by and still had not gone there once. He invited me to see his band in practice on June 9th. The band practices out in Kahalu'u, which is a short distance from Kane'ohe. The band itself is not impressive. However, I was struck by Robert's passion for being a musician. I have never experienced the kind of passion that I saw in him. As I see it, Robert should be a well-rounded guy. His downfall is the babe situation, just as it is for me.

I've gone to visit moms and my bro every weekend. I have nothing else to do anyway. So far, everything seems to be working out fine. Moms has been doing okay. Things seemed to be settled, and the conflicts were resolved for the time being.

I have been trying to hang out with people in my age group. I have not really been able to adjust to it. Pseudo-professor Mike invited me to join him on an outing on June 12th. We went to see a play, "Ventriloquist," written by a Diploma Mill faculty member. The significance of the play is that the faculty member is going through treatment for a serious bone marrow disorder. The guy is only 35 years old. He may not make it. He also has a family. There were a few young hotties in the audience. Afterward, we went to Ward's Rafters. It's an odd place in the middle of a residential neighborhood in Kaimuki. Actually, it's like a small club on the top floor of an old house. There was a jazz quartet playing. The audience was made up of the mid-life crisis and senior citizen crowd. The babes all looked pretty bad. I saw a few of the old codgers bobbing their heads to the music. Mind you, quartet jazz is fairly slow. Some of them passed out while bobbing their heads. All of that appalled me even more. Later, Pseudo-professor Mike confided that he had dream. In the dream, he said that he was lying naked in bed with Pseudo-professor Dorothy. Frankly, the vision made me ill. All the while, he also kept trying to persuade me to start taking Viagra. Pseudo-professor Mike has been trying to persuade me to seek out babes who are more "appropriate" (read: same age group). There seems to be so much guilt associated with desiring young hotties.

Lori and I finally went to the beach on June 16th. We went bodyboarding, although the waves were kind of flat. We had a fun time. We spent over an hour in the water. We then walked along Kalakaua Avenue. We drove back to Hawai'i Kai and had lunch at The Shack. I saw Shirley for about three seconds. She looked like she was wearing make-up again. She is such a hottie. We didn't chat. I suppose that there is no friendship left between us since we had not been in contact for over three weeks. Rod called to say that he was already in Waikiki. I met up with him later in the evening. We walked around Waikiki. Then, we ended up at Duke's for a few drinks. The experience was not too good. I do not care to hang out in tourist places. I ended up paying $24 for parking as well. I was pissed. I wanted to go the lua'u with them, but the price was too steep.

Pseudo-professor Ralph wanted to start going to the beach every day with his kids. I would be going along with them and hopefully get to play more in the water. There were a few other people who wanted to get into the surfing thing, including Robert and Glen from the Asylum. However, I sensed that they would flake. As for me, I am determined to keep up the Summer activities.

I was invited over to Pseudo-professor Mike's place up on Wilhemina Rise for dinner. During dinner, the real purpose of his friendship became clear. He wants me to invest in his property along with his brother Pat. We would become equal partners. This would happen after he paid off his wife to leave. My initial analysis of the situation raised considerable red flags. I am now concerned that I may not be able to trust Pseudo-professor Mike. He is only interested in my ability to fund his project.

I managed to meet with Rod a couple more times. I also had dinner with him, Hortense, and Hortense's daughter on the last night of their stay. Rod and I had a few more drinks before I finally said good-bye. The next day, Lori and I went surfing for the first time. It was hilarious. I had a great time, and I want to continue on. We were able to get lessons and the use of a board for an hour for $25. Nice deal. We planned to go again on Thursday, but the weather turned bad. Lori and I went on a hike up to the Makapu'u lighthouse instead.

Sometime around June 25th, Shirley must have found out that her plans to travel to Italy fell through. I have no details, but I had suspected that something would happen to prevent her from going. Shirley's last day of class was June 30th. She is either graduating, or she will need to retake the class that she failed in Spring term. She apparently had an appointment with the Dean last month, but I do not know the disposition of the case. Shirley was trying to appeal her failing grade by going above the instructor's head. I had warned her against doing so.

I contacted Professor Lisa by e-mail. She was still planning to go on the Kaua'i trip. I had pretty much resigned to the fact that I won't be going, mostly because of the lack of coordination on the part of the organizers. Lisa committed to doing a few activities with me, including hiking and surfing. Naturally, I was excited to have another activity partner.

Only three of us ended up going on the Art Walk for July. We met at Indigo for Happy Hour. Pseudo-professor Mike was there when I arrived. Later, a Diploma Mill staff member joined us. The place was crowded by 6pm. I could see myself sitting at the table with two gray-haired senior citizens like an out-of-body experience. We looked so out of place there. Of course, being a senior citizen myself, I have nothing to complain about. Things did pick later. I was part of the juggler's show outside the Indigo. She volunteered me to be a prop for the machété juggling session. It was quite hilarious. We met up with Pseudo-professor Ralph and his kids at one of the galleries. The evening turned out to be quite fun.

I spent the rest of the 4th of July weekend at my bro's place. My sister-in-law and nephew were visiting relatives on the mainland. My bro and I drove to Circuit City on Saturday in my truck so he could buy a big-ass tube. Moms cooked dinner on each night. I was invited to Lori's place for the 4th of July along with a few other people. We had a nice dinner.

Shirley had called me on the Tuesday before the 4th of July weekend. She was driving to Kane'ohe to go to Ramona's place. She was watching Ramona's house while Ramona was away on a trip. She wanted to stop by. I did not return the call. I was able to piece together from Myspace that Shirley went partying on both Tuesday and Thursday that week. She's hanging out with Seth's friends, primarily the babes in that particular group. On Friday, Shirley was somewhat illin' from the night before. She had to go home early from work and stayed in for the evening. I saw the picture of Shirley with the other party babes. All the babes were dolled up except for Shirley. That's what I don't get about her. She is a real hottie when she dolls up. She would win hands down over the other babes. I was also sensing that she's kind of falling for Seth. It would be an ill-fated relationship. However, my opinion does not matter.

Lori and I went surfing the following week. We rented boards and went out on our own. On Tuesday, we were not able to catch any waves. It was just too flat. We went out on Thursday. This time, the swells were much better. We had a blast. I am getting hooked on surfing because it is just too much fun. Lori has been a great activity partner. I am extremely grateful to her. I plan to buy boards for both of us. I want to buy a board for Lori as part of my gratitude. I don't think that I'll ever get really good at surfing, but I will enjoy it as a casual sport.

I ran into Robert at the gym the next day. I was surprised to see him. He's been going out to the Hawai'i Kai gym, which makes no sense since he lives in town. I surmise that he is hoping to network with the affluent crowd. Robert is still collecting unemployment. It does not seem as though he will be employed again in the near future. He expressed interest in going surfing, but I doubted that he would follow up. The situation at the Asylum continued to deteriorate. I was being assigned less classes. I also discovered that Kevin was given a decent load. The real problem was that I stood to lose my health benefits. No one else really cared. Mostly everyone was in survival mode, so only a handful of people could be trusted. Anonder and a few other people have remained in contact primarily through e-mail. Anonder had been pushing me to move more toward the real monk life-style. I was resistant at first. However, as I kept pondering my situation, I began to see that I was converging with Anonder's own life-style. I began to despise Chez Loser. It's too big for me. In addition, it's a financial "ball and chain." More and more, I began to feel that I needed to divest everything and move into a smaller place in town. The real issue was the babe situation. As per Plan B, I could only maintain this life-style if I had a specific purpose to do so, namely hookin' up with a babe. It became more obvious to me that I would never accomplish this task. Foolishly, I kept desiring young hotties, which made my goal even more impossible. In my own observations, I also discovered that I was better off without a babe. Sure, I desire da wild thing. The latter had gotten so bad that I was starting to lose my mind. Yet, I knew that I could never last in a relationship with a babe. There's a reason why the divorce rates are so high. I would surmise that break-ups between unmarried people are even greater. Guys and babes just don't get along. Well, no one really tries to get along. Unfortunately, the babes' attitudes have really degenerated. They have taken on the worst perceived male attitudes and amplified them. Of course, the real problem for me is that, without a babe, I have no real purpose for existing. I am simply going to live out my life alone. If that's the case, I really have no reason to keep most of my possessions. As a single guy, I could possible survive just fine being homeless. My life essentially is meaningless. I have not fulfilled my biological imperative. So, I am essentially an automaton. Chez Loser seemed more like an expensive prison to me as time went on. Without any other life obligations, the only meaningful imperative is to seek freedom in any way possible.

The big news from what I could gather on Myspace is that Shirley finally hooked up with Seth around the second week of July. Remember that I had predicted this event in the blog. They are apparently in a relationship. This is a sad story to me. However, this is the life that Shirley aspired to live. She will continue to work at Daiei and he will work at the gas station. He can't drive because of a DUI conviction. They will continue to live at their parents' homes until they tie the knot. Then, I suppose they will move out on their own or live at one of their parents' places. The real sad part to me is that Shirley could have done so much better in her life. However, she relegated herself to live the truly local life-style. I am not certain, but I think that Ramona is going to lose it when she hears about this. I am not sure what Shirley's father is going to say since he apparently does not care for Seth. It is my guess that Shirley felt she could not do much better. I sense that it's desperation as well. Then, there's the stupid bullshit about her "innocence." And, what about her college career? That's probably out the door. What worries me most is what would happen if Shirley became pregnant. Will she end up like all the other single moms here? None of this really matters since she obviously never listened to what I had to say. She decided to go back to the ol' local ways. Do I believe that Shirley and Seth will end up married? Yes. Shirley is on a timetable, and she's running out of time. Add to that the fact that Shirley's sister was to be married within a week or so. I think that, if you followed the chronology, you would have predicted the same result. Seth is a so-called "bad boy." So, you know where it's heading. Live and learn. By the way, you can see all of the characters just by finding Shirley in my Friends Space on Myspace. Then, everyone else is just a few clicks away.

I ended the blog on July 8th. I could no longer keep up the ruse. In addition, it was draining my energy that would be better utilized to solve my more imminent problems. I also finally began doing the necessary cleaning and repairs in Chez Loser. I repaired the dryer for $15 which was the cost of a new drum belt. I then dropped my plans to purchase new appliances, saving me from $800 in expenditures. The only major expense will be the installation of new carpet, which will happen early next year.

Caroll had called me on July 11th. She's still talking about making a trip to Hawai'i. She's been saying that for months. She seemed to be okay. She apparently returned to the old telemarketing job. I'm not sure how long that's going to last.

Fully seven months had passed since the Big Five-O, and I was still locked in inaction. I kept reviewing Anonder's e-mail. How could I possibly make myself conform to the same Life-style? How did The Master and Larry do the same. The only conclusion that I could come up with is my inability to accept my lot in life insofar as the babe situation was concerned. What keeps me hanging on to an empty dream? I make no effort to meet babes. I've also correlated that adverse behavior (e.g., excessive drinking, etc.) was directly related to the babe situation. Obviously, if I could jettison the babe situation, then I could get on with my life. But, what would I do? Anonder describes his days, spending most of the time in a dream state or performing his Sacred Bone rituals. The Master and Larry spend most of their waking hours at work or in front of the tube. Is this the way I want to spend my last good years?

With each passing day, I become more disillusioned about my own situation. I ponder whether I should just become homeless. There is no reason for me to bust my ass to live comfortably. I don't require much to begin with. Shirley's hook up also disillusioned me greatly. As you may recall, I originally met her when she was a student at the Asylum. She had disappeared from class for a few weeks because of her break-up with Mark. The rest is history. However, contrary to what she may say, her whole life revolves around guys. "I always pick the wrong guys," she told me several times. Let's hope this isn't the case now, although I know better. As for me, there's going to be a lot more decisions to make. I am no longer feeling any familial obligations. Moms seems to be doing fine at my bro's place. As Lori put it, "You've been orphaned." She's right. Within the last two months, I've lost all ties to all family and friends. I am truly alone. It could be a chance for a new opportunity, but I sure don't feel that way. Sometimes I just want to crawl under a rock and disappear.

I had an interesting discussion with Pseudo-professor Ralph at the end of June. He had been trying hard to find a full-time faculty position, but nothing was panning out. He seemed rather discouraged. At that point in time, he was facilitating quite a few classes. That's the only way he can keep his income up. Pseudo-professor Ralph completed his doctorate in June.

To be continued ... Go to E.25

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