The Underground Journal V.4
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More of My Findings

I am little scared about my findings so far. In fact, my greatest fear is that I have actually been with someone I did not know at all. As I said, I think that Lori is a very angry person, much more so than even I am. Another point that sticks in my mind is what Chris said. "She selfish. She only cares about herself." Moms said the exact same thing. I have seen it for myself, but dismissed it as a quirk of her being an only child. I have similar traits since I was basically an only child for ten years until my bro was born. However, Lori is deceptive. Whether it is intentional or not, I do not know. She appears to be a very charitable person when in the public eye. She has always seemed to be a giving person. However, I noticed some disparities. For one thing, she has mentioned many times that she is a devoted and sacrificing mother. She always spoke highly of Steph to others. Yet, when I was in Oregon, I witnessed that Lori spent very little quality time with her daughter. When Steph came home from school, she spent most of the time alone reading in her room. Lori was either spending time with me or on the damned computer doing e-mail. Lori's interactions with her daughter at home were always demanding and condescending, nothing like the perfect mom she made herself out to be. I called her on it a few times. It seemed to me that she was always angry with her daughter or perhaps she was just jealous of her. And, why not? Steph receives too much attention from everyone including Lori's own mother and father. This may be conjecture but it was something that seemed to correlate with my own observations.

Steph's only true role seems to be that of a pawn in the war with Chris. She also serves to validate Lori's role as a "single mom" which she is proud to tell everyone. This evokes a lot of sympathy from people I have noticed. It may also be her leverage to make unusual demands in the workplace. Lori is one of the few people who makes that kind of salary and does not have to put in any overtime at all.

"I want it all, I want it now, and I want it for free." That was Lori's e-mail signature for the longest time. I've come to see that this was her real life philosophy. That kind of explains things now. Lori has found it to be very easy to leave the relationship that she once cherished. Too easy. Times were hard, but they were not any worse than what most couples go through. I have some reason to believe that I have been had. Most of it was an act. I have seen Lori's performances. She is performing all the time. Most of her day is an act. Right below the surface is a very angry woman. Whenever I see her around, she is alone. She was on the same express bus as that I was on. I didn't realize it until she got off since she was at the front. She has a very mean look on her face for the most part. She looks angry until she smiles. I believe that Lori is angry for a good portion of the day that she is not preoccupied with work or something else. I know that it is conjecture, but I have a gut feeling. Why do I bring this up now? My thoughts have still not gelled on this matter, but I think my relationship with Lori was a complete façade for her. That includes the passionate love-making. I think that she genuinely wanted this to work, but her heart wasn't in it. She wasn't in love. She tried to make herself believe she was in love. She wanted a way out from something else. I have no idea what she was running from, but it is plainly obvious that she is running again. She has fooled herself into believing that she is "leaving this life behind and not looking back." That's a quote that Chris cited, by the way, when he and Lori divorced. She has a good job and is dating a balding pilot who makes a lot of dough. I guess she has finally achieved a sense of self-worth.

Which brings me to another point. Lori has always had a snobbish side. It came out only occasionally when we were together, but it was annoying. It was the same kind of attitude that The Howell's had on Gilligan's Island. I had included a couple of her comments in the public journal but they have since been removed. I remember when when was talking about how most of the people downtown only make $9 per hour. She emphasized the word "only" with an air of arrogance. I did not know that she was making so much dough at the time, but when I found out, I knew what was what. Lori was very upset once when some woman speculated, "You making what? $10 per hour?" The woman wasn't trying to be condescending. That's what people make around here. On the other hand, Lori has been very intrigued with the time a guy on the bus asked her if she was a lawyer. She brought this incident up several times.

For as pathetic as I was, I really loved Lori. That has made it difficult for me. I am going through a long bereavement process. Yet, Lori has really been done with the relationship since September. She went with me to Maui and offered sexual favors to me in return, but her heart wasn't in it. Therefore, I can honestly conclude that Lori never did love me. She may have been infatuated. That was it. This is a shocking revelation. I don't think that Lori is capable of love. She knows how to act the part but her heart is not in it. She has too much anger to love. That is why she focuses on the romance. It is the appearance of love that is important to her. Sure, I'm speculating but now I think I'm in the ballpark. Why? Because I still believe that the journal was the reason we broke up. She realized that I was on to her act. My sometimes scathing comments also burst the balloon of a perfect romance. Nothing else can explain it. It also tends to go hand-in-hand with the issue of control that has been discussed in this journal. There is nothing else to explain why Lori has been so adamant about not reconciling. She has gone off on countless tirades and treated me like crap so I will just walk. Then, she would tell me that I was a quitter and feel justified in doing whatever she wants. She's a manipulator and she's good at it.

I have seen her manipulation and control techniques at her former workplace. In fact, one day, the receptionist just blew up and yelled at Lori. She basically told Lori that Lori was not her boss. Lori has a tendency to try to take over the management of things, not out of line with what Chris mentioned. She seriously believes, and she has told me, most people are incompetent and that she is more qualified for leadership. Granted, most of her bosses have been weak and they have been men. They have easily capitulated under Lori's assertive personality and her sexuality. I believe that she did the same to me. Knowing all of this does nothing for me. I feel cheated and used. If she had felt as bad as I did and really felt love, she would not have left so quickly.

Lori claims to love moms. After all, moms allowed her to be part of the family for six months. Yet, after Lori moved out, she never really called or kept in contact with moms. Moms always invited her and Steph for dinner. That's the only time moms ever saw Lori. The breakup should not have affected her relationship with moms. I know that it would have been uncomfortable to visit moms while I was home, but she had ample opportunity to visit moms privately when she was unemployed. When moms was sick for over a month, Lori never once called or visited her. Yet, she had the gall to tell me, "I probably love your mother more than you do." I think that the writing is on the wall. Stupidly, I still love Lori and would probably reconcile with her. Why? Because I'm like any other fool out there. Thinking with the small head? Yes, that and I also have a hard time believing that Lori is a cold, calculating manipulator out for own good.

If she really was cold and calculating, she would not have ended up with small-timers like myself. I think that a lot of the problems in her relationships could have been finances. It is at least true in the cases of Chris and myself. My chronic unemployment and time of reckoning did little to maintain the perfect romance. Hence, Lori's romantic love for me withered away at the first sign of trouble. I think she has learned a lesson from that. It's better to seek someone who is at least financially viable to be a candidate for romantic love. That way, money won't be the issue. Very rich guys have control issues of their own. It isn't by chance that they have a lot of dough. I sense that Lori is trying to persuade herself that she loves Balding Bill. How do I know? She has made disparaging remarks about bald guys as long as I've known her. Actually, I have no idea what Lori will do. Maybe she'll have a change of heart and come back to me. I seriously doubt it. Real love endures all things. Romantic love, like infatuation, is a one-time deal. She will never have those feelings for me again. Yet, she may have had an inkling of real love for me once. It might have scared her. For under all that anger, I'm sure that she is afraid. I have no idea what it is but, if I had to venture a guess, I'd say she's afraid of being alone.

What do I know about real love? Maybe nothing. I'm sure that you have read this and figured that my idea of love is good sex. That's not really true. What I have conveyed here is the actual sensations and thoughts that have gone through my head during this particular time interspersed with other anecdotes and information (that may be suspect). The problem with most guys, as I said in the public journal a long time ago, is that all they remember is the good sex after a relationship is over. That's kind of true because sex is the only acceptable form of intimacy for a guy, that is without looking weak. I'll be honest with you. I did really love Lori although I had a hard time articulating it. I would have done almost anything for her. I reciprocated in many of the usual ways that guys show their love. I know, it's pretty unromantic. I have enjoyed Lori's company. Our first year was a great year, and it the year that I base our whole relationship upon. It is what I base my love on. That has ended but the memories remain. I am very sad that things turned out this way. It may appear as though I am talking a lot of crap about Lori behind her back. I am angry. I am hurt. I am confused. I am stupid. If I had a close circle of friends here, I would have never discussed this stuff in the journal. That was also the case with my so-called time of reckoning. It is my fault for being so isolated.

In the end, I don't want anyone to take sides with either Lori or myself. There is no right or wrong side. All I want is to understand what is going on. Both Lori and I have not been able to communicate effectively in recent times. That's the whole problem. The anger gets in the way. Both of us are angry. It doesn't matter to what degree because no amount of anger does any good. Both of us are hurt and we seek our own ways of coping. Both of us are confused because we have been obfuscated by conflicting information. And, both of us are stupid for not realizing all of this and putting a stop to it a lot sooner. In the end, these are just words. And as I've proven before, these words can be erased. I don't intend on keeping this journal around for a long time. One day, it will just disappear. For now, it helps me sort through the quagmire.

Wednesday March 10

I believe that we can soon go back to the business at hand in the public journal. As an engineer, I am always trying so hard to dissect pieces of information or to piece together a composite from minute fragments of trivia. It is a difficult, time consuming and an inaccurate task at best. I have never given an account of the true pain and suffering of the breakup as it affected me. I will probably do that in conclusion. Too much of what I write seems to be an analysis of cause and hence it is easy to cast blame somewhere. I wanted to avoid that. I have come to a better understanding of what happened. I feel as though I have been unshackled from some of my previous hindrances toward understanding. That, in and of itself, is progress.

As I said before, I do not expect Lori to come back to me. She has always said that she never turns back. That is sad, but it it her life. I have learned a lot especially after the breakup. Unfortunately, that seems to be when we learn the most. That, too, is sad. The information that was presented here was somewhat sickening but sometimes life just isn't pure white. It is up to each of us as individuals to determine what is truth and what is reality. For Lori and I, it was a sad story with a tragic ending. Perhaps this will be the road to new opportunities and maybe we can eventually find what we've always wanted. That is the dream.

Geckos in the Night

I wake up every hour every night. My heart races and I feel a surge of anxiety. This is the way it has been since the end of October. My mind never fully settles into a dream state. I am always thinking. Always analyzing. What went wrong? What did I do wrong? I keep asking myself the same questions over and over again. Sometimes I'm extremely angry because it just seems so unfair. I've been dealt a bad hand again. At other times, I'm extremely depressed. I feel so alone. The blankets can't even seem to keep me warm even though it's 80 degrees. The fear of being alone really struck me in December. Loneliness is a slow death. I can't say that I cried even though I wanted to. I think I was too devastated to shed a single tear. When the sexual anxiety finally set in, I was ready to lose it. It's the phase of the breakup that is even more devastating than the loneliness. I was overcome by despair while feeling an extreme need to fulfill my sexual desire. It's like having an itch and not being able to scratch it. The memories of my moments of passion with Lori fanned the flames of desire even more. I don't think I ever came this close to insanity before.

The pangs of passion, the terrible affliction, began to subside a few days ago. In the absence of seeing Lori, my libido attenuated. Yet, I still wake up every hour every night. The same questions run through my mind endlessly. I have no answers. I have never been given answers. I feel cheated. I feel betrayed. I couldn't do anything to save the relationship from going down in flames. Somehow, Lori just decided it was over. There really is no telling when she decided it. I have a gut feeling that she had decided long before I asked her to marry me. I think she just wanted a more dramatic ending by returning the ring to me. For sure, that will have an impact on me for the rest of my life. It was the ultimate put down.

I really want to believe that none of this was choreographed but Lori has proven to choreograph situations all the time for the sake of drama. How much more of our life together was contrived? Perhaps that is why she had such a keen interest in seeing The Truman Show. I will never know the truth however. The truth is relative. Barbara said that if ever Lori and I were to get back together in any way, I must share this journal with her. No more secrets. I have yet to discover Lori's secrets. Secrets create a level of distrust. And, without trust, there can be no relationship.

I have no way of conveying what Lori went through. Her descriptions have been cryptic at best. Lack of affection. Slanderous comments on the Web. That's all I've been told. Yet, we were always inseparable. We held hands wherever we went. We always sat close to each. "I like being next to you," she always said. We kissed. We talked. Then, it was gone. There have been no answers. Even during the endless tirades, there was no message behind the screams. Did she hurt or was it it drama? I don't know. There was more than met the eye. That is why I sought out information. I am still just as confused as ever. But, now I am alone.

Wednesday March 10 (continued)

The disposition of this journal is still uncertain. I have not heard from Lori even after I left the message on her answering machine. At least I know that I left the door open and that the ball is in her court. I happened to see her running across the street last night by Koko Marina at about 8pm as I was making some more fire water appropriations.

I found out that Steph's school will start vacation this Friday and will be out for two weeks. I have no idea whether Chris will try something stupid. He may try to keep Steph on the mainland and drag the whole custody thing back into court. At this point in time, I wouldn't blame him. However, I do not believe that he will win the case. If he does try and subsequently fails, then Steph will end up suffering the most. I doubt that Lori will be very happy with the situation. Lori will try to blame me for giving information to Chris. However, Steph has already provided all the information he needed. There are many things that Steph does not tell to either of her parents but, in this case, she stands a chance at returning to Oregon for good. That's incentive enough for her to spill the beans.

So, Lori will have two weeks of time alone while Steph is gone. That should be ample time for her to solidify her relationship with Balding Bill. [Lori asserted up until February 13th that she did not sleep with anyone. Alexis even volunteered the same information, if you can believe it, on February 22nd.] It does still bother me to think that Balding Bill will be making love to Lori all night long like I did three years ago. However, I doubt that Balding Bill will be able to match the sheer number of times that Lori and I made love during the Summer in Oregon. It may take him four years. How many people can match that? See how guys think? In any case, it is a bit depressing. I wouldn't know this Bill guy from any other turd on the street, but I can only wonder if he knows what he's getting into. Could he keep from switching into guy mode and do stupid things like I did? Will he continue to sweep Lori off of her feet even after he has received his just reward?

Let me say a few more words about that. I don't care what anybody says, but guys have one thing on their minds even if their primary intentions are honorable. No matter whether we are looking for a girlfriend or wife, we also are interested in good sex. Very interested. Even I, a monk, cannot deny that, when I first met Lori, I wanted her badly. I remember wishing that I had handcuffs (for myself) to keep myself in line. She wanted to sleep with me on the second night and I foolishly gave in. We only cuddled, but the next morning we engaged in three straight hours of passionate kissing. On the third night, well, you know what happened. Oh man. What kind of self-control did I have? Maybe that's why I worry about finding another babe. It's the self-control thing. I was very disappointed. The spirit was willing but the flesh was weak. I know that I will give in again. Knowing all of this, I have no idea why I was not as affectionate to Lori in the past year. I loved to run my hands all over her body and kiss her. When she was washing dishes, I'd come up from behind and slip my hands under her blouse and caress her breasts. Lori loved to be kissed on the back of her neck. I don't know why I didn't do that more. Why I tapered off on all those activities, I do not know. Of course, it's romantic love. I guess that I may have foolishly assumed that our relationship was maturing. Guys begin to do things like mow their babes' lawns or change the oil in their babes' cars to show their love in the later phases of a relationship. What do I know?

Questions for Review:

Thursday March 11

"What the fuck is going on here? Why is that fucking bitch yanking my chain all the time?" I could not believe that these foul words were coming from my own mouth. The mouth of a professed monk. "I know what it is. She's been fucking that chromedome bastard and she tried to beat me to the punch." The fire water had definitely taken effect. My thinking processes were either enhanced or now severely impaired. I assumed that Lori's whole purpose for the tirade at the gym on February 22nd was to disarm me. She wanted to disassociate from me so that  she would not have to tell me that she had sex with Balding Bill. "She might as well have fucked his wallet," I said to myself. "Heck, it's probably bigger than his dick." Anger does not become me. Yet, anger is another phase of the healing process. Well, at least I didn't need to have big bank to be intimate with Lori. Balding Bill will have to pay the piper. Remember, Lori said, "I ain't givin it up easy or cheap," and that she doubts that she "will ever sell [herself] short again." Hey, sorry I didn't have any dough, okay?

I had seen Lori twice yesterday. She was once again on the same early express bus as I. And, when I went down to Koko Marina to eat at Loco Moco, I saw Lori and Steph in there. Rather than go in, I went home for a while. Lori and I are still in synch, as it were. It's a couple's thing. We had been together for so long that we are still in synch with each other even though we are apart. That's why we end up in the same locale at about the same time. It's sickening.

Lori has not tried to contact me at all in almost a month. Usually, after one of those "Don't ever talk to me again, never!" tirades, I would hear from her within a week. So, that pretty much settles quite a few questions. The issue of control is now moot. If Lori wanted to maintain some kind of control over me, she would have at least kept a line of communication open just to keep me on the hook. I have reason to believe that she has closed this chapter of her life permanently. Yet, I am still confused over what Lori's accusation of "leaking information" was all about? Exactly what was this precious information such that it resulted in a tirade? She certainly won't tell me.

Fortunately, the fire water wore off, but it left me with a terrible headache. I am really looking forward to the trip to Cali now. I need to get away. This time I won't ruin my vacation by thinking about Lori. She'll be busy boinking Balding Bill. I have already claimed to be on hiatus in the public journal. I think that I will keep the public journal closed for a while. I can only hope that Lori will never read the journal again. So, the process of my healing must continue with no further hindrances. Sometimes my thoughts betray me but, with no hope of any reconciliation with Lori, these shall pass.

I wish I could have at least said good-bye to Steph. I never really made an effort to know her. That was a foolish mistake but one would have had to be there to see what a can of worms the situation was. The stupid part was that all of the adults were the perpetrators. Neal (niall@allover.com) wrote:

On the other hand, you can take some schadenfreude joy in this: if Lori had stayed with you and worked things out, you'd've helped her relate to Steph during this tough pre-teen time and therefore prevented this looming tug-of-war with Chris. Steph seems to be thinking now of her own survival, something she learned from - guess who - mom. Smart kid, that one.
I now see that I could have made a difference. My efforts, if carefully placed, would have resulted in a better family life. And, I probably could have brought Chris around, too. He seems to think that I'm an okay guy. Everything seems much clearer in retrospect.

Friday March 12

I have not slept well in weeks. The anxiety attacks still occur every hour every night. I have also been suffering from night sweats. Perhaps it's the fire water wreaking havoc on my body. I have also increased the dosage of Wort, just in case. Things could have been worse, I suppose. I could have really lost it and ended up with the psychos down on Fort Street Mall.

I know that the situation with Lori has taken a toll on me, but I believe that there is more than meets the eye. I believe that I am ripe for another time of reckoning. I'll tell you why. I'm going to be chronically unemployed again in June. It doesn't matter that it's only for three months, it will drive me crazy. It's not like I'm making any dough as it is. However, it's the free time that will be the killer. I won't be able to do much because I'll be broke again. As you can guess, this month I officially began making my $300 monthly loan payments that will continue for the next ten years. This is not the kind of stuff I want to put in the public journal. I especially do not want Lori to get a cheap laugh on me while she's boinking Balding Bill.

The teaching position has been my savior, although I am falling way behind with the required work I need to do. I don't know why but I have a good rapport with my students. I have a few babes in my classes. What's funny is that we oftentimes get into those relationship discussions in class. It's kind of hilarious. Some of the babes were giving me tips on how to make an ex-girlfriend jealous. I found out that once one is dumped, it is not wise to go crawling back like a desperate fool. Sound familiar? It's better to act like one has got it goin' on and keep the ex-babe guessing. Isn't that what Lori was doing to me? Babes know all of these tricks. Sheesh! Do you see why I'm better off being a monk?

I need to make something clear about this journal. It is like a private conversation with myself. It's also like a conversation with a few close friends. I have been extremely critical of Lori in some respects in this journal. I once did that in the public journal and you have seen where that got me. It's not that I despise her. It's just that I don't understand some of the things she does.  I don't think that this makes me secretive or nefarious. I just should have been more discrete before. I had to work things out. I wanted to record any anomalies in my thinking, not backstab Lori. In some respects, my bitterness is still getting the better of me. Now, as I look back, I can see why. I was wrapped up in my emotions. I was hurting. When I read this journal, I can still see the same underlying bitterness. I don't want to hate Lori. That's Chris' job and he's doing more than enough for the both of us.

I sent Lori the flowers today to celebrate when we first met three years ago. I know that it seems like I jumped the gun. Not really. It might be depressing for her on March 16th, so I didn't want to add salt to the wound then. I just wrote a short letter about how that day changed both of our lives. It's true. I suspect that she would still be in Oregon and I would still be in Convalescent City were it not for the chance that she took and drove down to meet me. Destiny. Strange things. Of course, I'm not going to intrude on her space. I left it up to her if she wants to be friends. I doubt that she will, which is kind of sad. Maybe in the future that may change. Who is to say?

Saturday March 13

I went out on the town last night with Stephanie, her babe friend, and Barry. They are students of mine at the business college. It was fun. We went to Gordon Biersch, a restaurant and brewpub at the Aloha Tower marketplace. It was nice to be out with new people. Well heck, if Lori can do that, so can I. It's actually fun to be out with young babes because they have some interesting insights concerning the "situation," as The Master and I call it. I hope that I get to hang out with more of my students. They certainly know how to party and maybe they can set up the old fool with a desperate babe. Just kidding!

I never heard from Lori at all after I sent the flowers. I saw her on the early express bus last night. She didn't bring her flowers home so I assume she threw them out. Too bad. They cost almost $40. Who cares? Next time I'll give flowers to a babe who appreciates them. She had her gym bag with her. She must have decided not to go to the gym at the last minute and took the bus home. Strange. Now I have to re-evaluate what Chris had to say. "She's a cunt," he told me. "Know what that means? It means Can't Understand Normal Thinking." Okay, I'll buy that. I don't want to jump to conclusions but I believe that Lori has no sentiments about our initial encounter three years ago or she's going to hide them to punish me. She's a lost cause. I shouldn't be upset. This was predictable. All I know is that, whatever Lori did to Chris, he's sure mad as hell and over ten years have passed after the divorce. She's doing the same to me.

However, I realize that I'm still playing into Lori's game. No matter what, she's trying to maintain some kind of control. That's why I happened to see her so many times for two days in a row two weeks ago. I didn't run over to her like a desperate fool, so that didn't work. Then, I didn't see her for days. She has established the pattern that I take the early express bus three days a week. So, rather than go to the gym yesterday, which is what she has been doing on those days, she has decided to (coincidentally after the flowers) go home. This seems to be grasping at straws but I believe it is the control ploy at work. She still wants me to run over to her like a desperate fool, especially yesterday. Knowing my prior behavior, she was expecting me (and still is) to approach her and ask her if she received the flowers. Then, she could shut me down or go off on a tirade. Stephanie and Dara (my students) are correct in that one should not play into that game. So, I'm following their advice. I'm just going to act like it's just another day in the neighborhood. Would you be my .... would you be my ... neighbor? (sing-along) Sorry, Mr. Rogers.

It's all making sense now. I believe that Lori is frustrated with her new job because they expect a lot of production. And, since there are only three people in her office, she cannot socialize like she used to. She has also had many problems with Steph. And, Chris is probably back in the picture and she thinks I'm responsible. Lori is looking for a punching bag, someone to vent her frustrations upon. She really can't do that to her new friends or to Balding Bill. That's why I'm here. She has learned this technique from her mother because that's what her mother does to her all the time. Her mother calls Lori on the phone with some lame nonsense before she sets Lori up for a tirade. I have seen it. As far as Balding Bill is concerned, he's just another pawn. I seriously doubt that Lori will give up the goods unless he makes some kind of commitment (like a $10,000 engagement ring). Why? Because she said that she's "not givin' up cheap or easy." Of course, Balding Bill is not stupid. He's going to want to test drive the used car first to see if it runs properly. If he decides to commit on an "as is" basis, he will slap Lori with a prenuptial agreement to protect his assets. In either case, Lori will lose it and Balding Bill will be another casualty of war. Then, she'll really be looking to find an outlet to vent.

Although, I have to admit, it won't be quite that simple. Lori will use a variety of techniques to get her way. Her biggest test will be to see if Balding Bill (or any other suitor) will recognize her hints about things she wants. If the guy buys them for her, he has made quite a few points. That was something she later claimed I did not do. I bought her things that I thought she wanted. I never recognized her hints. Even Steph mentioned that her mother expected a limited selection of expensive gifts for Christmas from her. Odd as it may seem, I was immune from this. Lori never expected anything from me until after we broke up. That wasn't the case with Chris. Back to my thesis. Once the guy has made enough points, she will then seduce him and develop a sexual dependency on her to hook him. She will have to be absolutely sure that he's going to commit, though.

I was the only black horse in this game. Lori never expected me to commit to her. For the longest time, she said that she didn't care if we got married as long as we were together. She never put me through the game I just described. For some reason, she was physically attracted to me when I first opened the door at the Roach Motel to greet her on March 16th three years ago. "I was expecting you to be some kind of wimpy computer nerd. But, when I first saw you ... you were gorgeous," she told me on a few occasions in retrospect. A few weeks ago, Lori told me that she and her daughter Steph were having a discussion about my physique. Lori thinks that I have very nice legs and calves. Steph thinks I have a nice chest. Lori said that she also liked my buns but she couldn't tell that to Steph. Interestingly, Steph supposedly has a crush on a local boy. "He kind of looks like you," Lori told me.

Sunday March 14

In anger a few weeks ago, I threw away most of the memorabilia and pictures that captured the time period that Lori and I were together. I kind of regret it now. I only saved the pictures from three years ago when we met and when I went to stay with her in Oregon. I still consider that a special time. Lori never really throws that stuff out. She has a lot of pictures. The most pictures she has of past boyfriends is of me. What is strange is that, even through the rough times, I found out that Lori had framed a picture of me and put it on the phone cart and she also posted one of the few pictures of us together on the fridge. The pictures stayed where they were until sometime in January when we had a big falling out. I didn't realize that until about a week before that. In retrospect, I believe that she still had hope that we were going to be back together but I never knew it, what with all the dating and partying going on. And, she certainly didn't act like she wanted us to get back together. Sometimes I just don't understand women.

What's interesting in this debacle is that Lori was intrigued by a situation that unfolded between Randy, also known as Da Gish, and his wife Tina. I had been in Oregon at the time so I met Randy. He's a very likable guy. Apparently, Tina had decided that their marriage was over. Randy stayed on with the kids while Tina moved back to the East Coast to pursue a torrid relationship with a biker clown. It broke Randy's heart. Lori felt very sorry for him because he was a good man. In fact, according to Lori, he "worshiped the ground that Tina walked on." He loved Tina. I suppose that everyone felt that he was foolish to continue hoping for a reconciliation with his estranged wife. Believe me, I know the feeling. Tina finally returned from the East Coast, but she was still not interested in maintaining any ties with Randy. Her heart was still with the biker clown. Eventually, Randy moved out into a smaller apartment across the street. Lori sold him the black furniture for a ridiculously low price. The worst part was that Randy was footing the bill for everything, so he looked like an even bigger fool. Randy and his family visited Hawai'i at about the same time that Caroll was here. The last I heard, Randy and Tina were back together again. I have no idea whether it was worth the wait or not. For Randy, I'm sure it was. I think that it was a test of mental fortitude and I give him a lot of credit for hanging in there.

I looked at the pictures in the small photo album that Lori had put together for me. I also read the public journal entries of three years ago. The entries were sparse since I was trying hard not to reveal the identity of "my collaborator." Still, it was a very interesting time. It was the beginning of the adventure that eventually brought us here to Hawai'i. Tears welled up in my eyes as I read the entries from those days. I was overcome by sadness and grief. The pictures actually made me cry. Lori looked so beautiful and she looked extremely happy. I can't help but keep asking myself, "What went wrong?" Lori decided to call it quits with our relationship and that was it. She acted like she wanted to work on rebuilding our life together but she just kept pushing me away further.

I can certainly empathize with Randy during his time of tribulation. I remember when he invited Lori and I over for dinner one night. As I said before, Randy is a great guy. He tried very hard to be a good host. And, he cooked a delicious meal. We had a nice dinner conversation, but I could sense so much despair in his voice. He was very gregarious, but I could see the sadness behind his smile. It's something that cannot be hidden. I knew that he was hurting so bad. How could he sleep at nights knowing that Tina was sleeping with the biker clown? It wasn't until he broke out his new notebook computer that he appeared more at peace. He was excited to show me the Audio Rack application which plays CDs. That was the first time I saw anything like it so I was excited. When we eventually left, I was overcome by grief myself. I felt so bad for Randy. And, I knew that I never wanted to find myself in that position.

Who knows what goes on in the minds of women? I don't mean that as a chauvinistic statement. Women are such fascinating creatures. Yet, their souls are so fragile. They are so wrought with emotions and feelings. As a man, I am sometimes envious that I cannot feel more. Yet, I find that women become so embroiled in their feelings and emotions especially when it comes to matters of the heart. When things go awry, their emotions and feelings rise in crescendo to a point where it can overcome all reason. I could do nothing to circumvent all of the powerful emotional surges that were building up inside Lori. She became a twisted ball of pain, anguish, and misguided passion. All of her past experiences only served to fuel the uncontrollable chain reaction such that they were indistinguishable from each other. I became the monster. The epitome of Evil Man. I have not been alone. There have been other Evil Men before me. There may be more after me. I guess that it will be hard to understand all of this unless we know something about the original Evil Man. Who was he? What did he do?

Monday March 15

I am sure that many people are somewhat fatigued by these deliberations. I will suggest that if it gets to be too much, it's probably time to leave this journal behind. I have been watching and waiting to see whether Lori would respond to the flowers for a reason. It was a test to see whether I could appeal to her sentimentality. That could only happen if she had any sentiments. However, I have come to the conclusion that she does not care. What else is new, right?

I believe that what Chris has told me is correct. "You've been had. You've been used," he told me. Lori is not a professional gold digger by any means but she has been following a pattern. Chris mentioned that it takes about two years before her real personality comes out. "She just can't hide it any longer than that." Why does this personality come out? It's because she's greatly disappointed in her men. "If you haven't amounted to much by then, she'll just move on." And, that is what she is doing now. About a month ago, I remember Lori reciting a list of her disappointments to me. It was a side of Lori I had never seen before. She had a look of disdain in her face. She gritted her teeth and went down the list. Each started out with, "I'm very disappointed that you did not ... blah blah." She put a heavy emphasis on the word "very." Chris believes that it's all boils down to the matter of money. That's what Lori has claimed of Chris. Yet, many of the stories that Chris has told me can be verified. For example, when Lori had the starter problems with her car in Oregon, Kevin and I tried to repair it. We couldn't fix it so Lori called Chris and applied pressure on him to repair the car by saying, "Would you let your daughter ride in an unsafe car?" I heard her when she said that. It's these little details that gave Chris' side of the story increasing credibility.

Steph arrived in Oregon last night. Apparently, Lori has still been leaving her home alone during the weekends. It's kind of a sad story but there is nothing I can do about it. Lori has also forbidden Steph to leave the house once Steph returns home from school. She also cannot leave the house when her mother goes out on dates at night. Basically, Steph is a prisoner. Steph is the only reason that Chris and Lori were married. What is real interesting is that Chris mentioned he had lied to Lori many times about his wealth. "I told her that I had a lot of property and a lot of money" prior to Lori becoming pregnant. I mentioned how Lori has always talked about the sacrifices that she made for her infant daughter. Chris laughed. He said that, many times when he came home, Lori would just hand the baby to him and leave. He came to find out that she was out drinking, smoking dope, and playing cards with her friends. "She drinks too much and she can't stay away from drugs." As I look back now, I have to wonder whether Lori wanted me to get her pregnant. She always said that she didn't want another child but she was not on any kind of birth control when we were boinking away.

You are probably saying to yourself, "Why doesn't he just shut up and get over it already?" I'll tell you why. This is a very spooky situation. "Why didn't I see through all of this?" I asked Chris. "It's because you were expecting her to think like you or me. She doesn't think that way." He's right. This is not something I would do to anyone, so I would never expect anyone to do that to me. The fact that I've been had is probably the most devastating aspect. If I had just gone through the breakup alone, it would have been easier to take. "The next two years are going to be hard," Chris added. He was talking about the length of healing process because that's how long it took him after he found out that he'd been had. There really is nothing else to compare with standing around with egg on my face. I came out ahead of the other guys though. I had so much great sex and I still have my bank account. Chris was surprised to learn that Lori let me take the ring back. After she told me to take it back to the jeweler three times, I figured she meant it. "Oh no, you were not supposed to do that," he rebutted. Nonetheless, it is a terrible feeling because I was very emotionally involved with her. To think that it was all an act on her part makes me sick to my stomach. Try to put yourself in my situation and imagine what I am feeling.

I have enough proof now to believe that it was all a charade. Lori's puzzling lack of concern for moms (as I detailed a few days ago) as well as her lack of sentimentality over a very special time (she herself had called it that on many occasions) are proof. She had to break things off because I was not going to amount to much. My career is still going nowhere. If I had married Lori, she would have ended up treating me as she did Chris. I believe that there was some part of her conscience which worked to push me away. That's what's operating now as Lori does everything possible to severe any ties with me. She has to do it this way before things get real ugly. There is a part of her that wants to protect me. I must have touched her heart at least once. I know this sounds ludicrous as hell but no other guy out of all of her victims was afforded this chance. Now, Balding Bill is next. Chris commented, "He's a pilot, he must have a lot of money. Are they engaged yet?" Chris already knows Lori's modus operandi.

I felt some sense of relief as I walked around downtown. I looked up at all the skyscrapers and felt as if a new day had dawned. I sat down for a moment in Bishop Square. The custodian, a woman, was cleaning up around me. "You look very happy today." I said that I really didn't feel happy. "You still look very happy." Perhaps I am happy. I'm not sure what I'll feel like tomorrow. However, I believe that I have finally come to discover the answers to all my questions. I have learned that I had a part in the demise of my relationship but that relationship may have been a figment of my imagination. Yes, I've been had. I feel extremely stupid. Although I'll never really know if Lori truly loved me, I will always remember that she allowed me to live a dream relationship of a lifetime. I wish it had been real because it was so beautiful. Like the old adage goes, "It was too good to be true."

Tuesday March 16

On Sunday, I took a hike up Koko Head. As I looked down toward the park, I saw a lone woman walking up the road. She was walking along the edge of the curb. I knew it was Lori. She was going to Hanauma Bay. I could see her trying to balance herself. I knew that was her because she always does that. Sometimes Lori seems so sweet and innocent. I realize now that her daughter was leaving for Oregon that afternoon. Instead of spending the last few hours with her daughter, Lori went to the beach.

Today, I paid my last respects to a relationship that may never have existed. I took a final look at the photo album that Lori had put together for me. Then, I put it away. I could evoke no emotion as I wondered why we even took those pictures. What purpose did they serve? I guess they were just another prop in the charade that once served as a relationship. And what about the sex? I could call it love-making, but was it? I have always taken sex very seriously, although one would be hard-pressed (no pun intended) to tell when reading this journal. I just don't know what happened to me this time. I didn't know what hit me, and then look what happened after-the-fact. I was so worked up that I could barely think. I had some great love-making in my relationship with Susan. I can't even relate the number of ways we did it. I thought she was the best until March 19th three years ago. Lori was good. Could you tell by what I went through insofar as withdrawals were concerned? Do you see why I was reduced to the consistency of putty? I'm not proud of what happened. I gave in to the weaknesses of the flesh.

To be continued ... Go to V.5



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