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I have been trying very hard to put everything into perspective as I enjoy my final quiet celebration of this journey. I had to take the photo album out and look at the pictures again and reflect on what has been and what could have been. Right now, I believe I have an idea of what this whole journey has been about and who Lori was and why she was a part of it. I want to discard all of the bitterness and criticisms that have once again marred the journal. This is a time for closure and it shouldn't be more painful than it is.

When Lori left Oregon on the morning of March 16th in 1996, she had already decided that she wanted a new life. She had met a person on the Internet who kept a very unusual Web site. Of course, it was a fantasy bigger than life. The Web can do that. But, Lori has always had a dream of finding that certain Knight in Shining Armor. What does a Knight do? Save the Fair Princess, of course. Save her from what? That's not as easy to answer. I believe that Lori wanted out of a lifestyle in Oregon that didn't seem to have any meaning to her anymore. She met the same kinds of guys and hung out with the same party people. In my journal on the Web, I presented myself as a humble but funny guy. I was also quirky but I appeared to be a man of solid principles and devotion. I lived in a perfect world in the form of Convalescent City. In the world of fairy tale dreams, that's where we all want to be.

In essence, I became her Knight in Shining Armor because I presented her with a way out. I had dreams and aspirations. I wanted to become a writer and I wanted her to write with me. I wanted to visit the Cradle of Civilization and she wanted to be there with me. Her visit to Convalescent City was like a dream come true, too. A beautiful town situated off of the magnificent Central Cali coastline. Everything went perfectly during her visit there. What more could you ask for? She also met all of the celebrities of the old journal.

The journey continued. We had spent a perfect weekend in San Francisco. We toured around during the day. We made love in our hotel room whenever we were there. So, life was like a fairy tale dream. The dream continued with my visit to Oregon. We spent a carefree Summer discovering each other and making love. The dream expanded as we discussed the move to Hawai'i. When I invited her to visit two years ago in March (another significant event), she fell in love with Hawai'i. Moving to Paradise. That's the ultimate dream.

The dream began to dissipate once we moved here. As I became spiritually weaker because of my family life and my financial situation, I exposed several chinks in the Shining Armor. Things began to change. Lori held on for a while but her own attitude changed. I believe that she was disappointed that the outcome was not as we had planned. She began associating with people that were more like her friends in Oregon and they began to have an influence on her. At a certain point, she just gave in. You see, I believe that Lori was trying real hard to make a change. She really wanted a better life and it wasn't just about money. She stopped smoking and started going to the gym. She even stopped drinking, mostly for me. She did everything possible to make those changes as well as to please me. When I proved to not be the Knight in Shining Armor but instead just a mortal man with significant flaws, she became disillusioned. I didn't help matters by pushing her further away with my own cynicism.

I never realized how fragile Lori was (and still is) inside. She was really just a fragile flower. She was aware of her past and she wanted out. Sadly, I helped put her right back into it. There is a lot of pain and hurt inside her. Unfortunately, I think like everyone else. We never imagine that anyone has it much worse off than ourselves unless we can see the actual damage on the outside. Lori is damaged on the inside. I don't know when it happened and I don't know what happened. She always used to tell people that she's twenty-three whenever they asked how old she was. I never thought about it before but, being a pseudo-psychologist, I have to read between the lines as much as possible. I believe that 1983 was an important year in her life. It may have been the happiest year in her life. She was in Boston then, possibly still attending Boston University. That is the year she wants to live on forever.

In the aftermath of our breakup, I have found that Lori has reverted back to her past life. She wants to party a lot and hang out with party people. I couldn't figure out how she could function like that. She can because that is what was once normal for her. It is a major part of her life. She wanted out but no one else would let her in to another life. I did for a while but I actually kicked her out, or that is what she perceives. She is doing well for herself now, so she has the last laugh. However, she is still searching for the way out. She is dating and presumably maintaining a double life. On the one hand, she has to present herself as suitable for marriage especially to the upper class clowns. On the other hand, she is comfortable in the raucous and crude party lifestyle. Which will prevail? If the Knight in Shining Armor comes through, she will abandon the old life again. Yet, the Knight will surely expose the chinks in his armor soon enough. Then, history will repeat itself.

The interesting thing is that I was probably as close to being the Knight in Shining Armor for her than any other guy she knew. I did more for her insofar as assisting her in moving out of the old lifestyle. As she turns back to that life, she pushes me away. She will no longer communicate with me. I firmly believe that there is a part of her conscience that recognizes me and wants to protect me. Lori does not want me to see this side of her. That's the side that Chris has been talking about. It's coming out more and more. In a way her conscience protects both of us. I can only speak for myself in that I believe she wants me to not see any more than I already have. Lori wants me to remember her fondly. As I said before, she has treated me differently than the other guys. I cannot help but wonder why.

Were the last two years an act? Technically, yes. But, I must clarify. I truly believe that Lori wanted to change. She did a lot of that just for me, which was good. But, when I failed her, she threw it all out the door. She must not have had enough self-esteem or confidence to believe in herself. I could have done more to help her there. She has an air of arrogance and cockiness that would seem to negate the idea that she lacks self-esteem. However, I have found that people who are the most insecure are the ones who try to project an image of confidence. The key indicator is that they over-compensate. That's also part of the control issue. Chris said, "She's a control freak. She wants to control everything. She doesn't think anyone takes her seriously because of her lack of education." Lori has always regretted that she never finished at Boston University. Perhaps that is why she is stuck in 1983.

I know that I sound a little like a hopeless romantic who is obsessed with Lori. I will get over her, but today is a special day for me. I've not always mentioned all that Lori had done for me. She accepted me as I was and treated me well. She may have actually loved me and looked upon me like an Adonis. She must have thought that I had the power of the gods as well. It is a kind of devotion I may never see from another woman again. Yet that devotion is fleeting. It is not based in reality. She did everything to please me. We enjoyed many good times. For us, even the companionship of silently sitting on the couch was wonderful. yet it disappeared in the wink of an eye.

Even though she no longer considers me a friend, I am and will always be her friend. I now know more about her than when I was with her. If only I had bothered to find out about this stuff sooner. I remember in our days of discovery that we tried to talk about her past. It was painful for her and she became emotional. It gradually came to the point that I never asked again. I should have pursued it further because she needed someone to talk to.

When Lori was in Oregon, she was seeing a psychiatrist. He helped her out immensely and she always seemed to feel better after her appointments. When Lori met me, she was extremely happy. I believe that her doctor gave Lori a clean bill of health before she left for Hawai'i because she was so happy. I often told Lori that I didn't think she needed counseling. I was viewing her as I would myself. If I don't need counseling, why should anyone else? I was also projecting my own cynicism upon the whole counseling industry. Little did I know that Lori really depended on those sessions. Right now, I think that she really needs them. Why? Because I do believe that she has a lot of secrets about things that happened in the past. She does not discuss them with anyone. Now I am worried. Lori only went into counseling because her friend Randal suggested it and paid for it. He did her a big favor. Otherwise Lori would have never sought help on her own. I think that she needs to see her counselor, Dr. Doughton, once again. I am tempted to contact him with a plea and possibly share this journal with him. Why do I bother? Like I said, I am still Lori's friend. She may have left me behind but she seriously thought that I abandoned her. Many people would not believe it but I owe Lori a lot. She gave me a sense of purpose and made me feel like I was more than just a loser. She made me feel like a real man and she gave me the strength to move on and do the things I needed to do. I can't call everything even at this point because I still benefit by these intangible things that Lori gave me. I know that a lot of it had to do with my own inner strength, but it was she who helped me find that strength. You may call me sick and obsessed, but I don't think I am. I want Lori to finally realize her dream. I want her to live a healthy and happy life. I want her to always remain my friend. And, I want her to look back at the times we were together with fondness rather than disdain. For without that, these three years have been lived in vain.

Have I really been had? In some respects, yes, and in others, no. Lori cut me more slack than any of the other guys she's been with. She didn't take me to the cleaners. That's puzzling considering Chris' allegations. If I look at the big picture and I see that Lori just wanted to share her dream with me, then it doesn't look like I've been had. That's the way I want to remember our time together.

Thank you all for being with me and for your continued patience and support. I cannot help being the kind of person that I am. Sometimes my efforts seem to not do much except make things worse. Like I always say ... I wish I could just wave my hands and make everything right.

Wednesday March 17

Just two more days before I fly out to Cali. As you can guess, I never heard from Lori, so I must assume that this time has meant nothing to her. That's okay. If that's her way of initiating closure, then I must respect that. It's too bad that we couldn't remain friends. Part of it was my fault because I was envious of the guys Lori was dating. I couldn't help it. I don't know. I guess it makes me feel so inadequate. Maybe I'll soon be impotent, just to add insult to injury. That's not so bad, though. At least it will keep me out of trouble.

I had been thinking about Steph. I wonder why Lori holds onto her. With the exception of taunting Chris, and being able to command a higher salary, does Steph really mean much to Lori? That is an insulting question. Lori is loving her daughter in the same way her own mother loved her. For Lori, neglect was probably the only form of love she knew. Lori had always told me that she wanted her daughter to have a better childhood than she did. I should not make a judgment but I think that Steph is better off with Chris and the godparents. Chris asked for a letter from me substantiating that Steph has been left home alone. I could only verify the actual days that Steph was with me. I did not do that to seek revenge on Lori. I did it for Steph's sake. I cannot imagine how Lori can do that to Steph every weekend and then wonder why her child has both academic and disciplinary problems. Couldn't she see that in herself? The situation is now out of my hands. I gave Chris what he wanted. I owe him nothing more.

I wish I could have changed things. Like I said, I now believe that I could have made a difference. If I had been more proactive in that situation, I probably could have prevented any of this from happening. Steph would have been happy and Chris would probably have backed off. Just a few simple and meaningful actions could have removed years of bitterness and conflict. It's too late now as I will never know if that had actually been a possibility.

I bought the book Lila by Pirsig today. Barbara also sent me two books including one called Unfinished Business. I'll be taking these books with me on the trip to Cali. I hope that they will help me in the healing and understanding process. That's all I can do for now. I am still tempted to correspond with Dr. Doughton. I obtained his address from the Portland phone book. I'm sure that he knows who I am. I was Lori's so-called Knight in Shining Armor. I made a big mistake before when I approached Alexis about Lori. I should have known that she is far too young and naïve to comprehend what is really going on. We tend to stand behind our friends and never assume that they are worse off than they are. We want to protect them from the bad ol' puddy tat. Most people just say, "Forget it. Let's go have a beer!" That always seems to be the answer to life's problems. For the most part, it works. For matters of the heart or deep philosophical issues, this solution is ludicrous at best. I'm sure that Lori is consuming quite a few beers to drown her sorrows just as I have. Our friends get to go home and think they've done some good. We get to go home alone and start again exactly where we left off.

Instead of going to the Irish pubs downtown, I met with Lavinya at The Shack this afternoon for a few beers. Green beers, that is. Lavinya told Lori that we were going to meet to prevent any conflict of interests. She also told Lori that I am going on vacation as of Friday. So, I guess I don't have to worry about omitting the trip from the public journal anymore. Lavinya also said that Lori would be calling her later for information. I asked her if she was sure of that. "You can bank on it," she replied. "I just hope she doesn't call me after she's had a few drinks." Now what did she mean by that? I have to hand it to Lavinya. She had decided early on to stay out of this whole mess. However, she was the only one of Lori's friends who urged Lori to reconsider our relationship. The only thing that Lavinya knew was that Lori was very upset about my conversation with Chris. She was also under the impression that it was I who called Chris initially. Which way did he go, George? I didn't even know his phone number back then. Lori has attempted to talk to Lavinya about me on many occasions. Lavinya abruptly changed the subject each time. So, Lori is still talking about me. She apparently talks about me more than Balding Bill. Yet, she won't talk to me. You know, I'm just going to fly to Cali and hope that Lori is engaged to Balding Bill when I get back.

Thursday March 18

I had one thought from my discussion with Lavinya yesterday. Who does Lori rely upon for emotional support? I would have thought that Lavinya was the best choice. However, Lavinya is trying to stay out of this kind of nonsense as much as possible. She said that she changes the subject whenever Lori brings me up. That's usually because Lori has been so upset with me. I looked at all of Lori's other friends and I can only identify Alexis as being her closest friend. Alexis is just far too young to relate to Lori unless she is relating to the part of Lori who is still "twenty-three." I can't imagine that Alexis could relate to some of the experiences that Lori has gone through. On the other hand, I seriously thought that I had no support network at all. But, if one looks at the small forum that has developed as a result of the private journal, then it is obvious that I have a strong support network. I know that it's important to have a support network. At times, it can be very taxing for the people involved. Yet, sometimes the outcome is worth the frustration. I can now see why Lori has been grasping at straws for company. Perhaps she has done this all along. That's what makes me see the importance that Dr. Doughton had played in her life. Whom of Lori's friends in Oregon could she rely upon for emotional support? I don't know. Most of her friends were in worse shape. In fact, scary as it may seem, Lori was the glue that held their lives together. You know, though, the more I think about it, the more I realized that Lavinya knew a hell of a lot more than she said she did. She was probably fishing for information about the bad ol' puddy tat for Lori.

Lavinya also said the Lori will be sitting home alone with plenty of time to think now that Steph is gone. Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaa! Oh brother, does Lori have her bamboozled or what? Lori has been out partying, drinking and dating every night this week. She could hardly wait for Steph to leave. Now, here's an interesting tidbit. Chris said that Lori had Steph lie to the airline people that she was 12 years old so that she would not be considered an unattended minor. Chris thinks it's because of the money. Heck, it's only $15. I believe it's because Lori didn't want to wait at the airport with her daughter. I guess that Chris was actually telling it like it was. Lori has done nothing to refute anything he has said. I keep trying hard not to believe that I was Truman Burbank in my own version of The Truman Show. This thought gives me the willies. That's why I'm trying so hard to believe what I wrote at the beginning of this chapter. Frankly, I think Lori's in too deep with whatever crap she's involved in. She can't get out anymore.

Friday March 19

An interesting tidbit. I was praying to the Almighty in order to discover what I have done wrong throughout this whole fiasco. Then, for some reason, I had a clear vision of Lori in a white dress. Suddenly, I was compelled to get up and do some "recon." I have no idea why. It was about midnight, and I walked stealthily through the neighborhood. As I approached Lori's house, I saw that the lights were on. That's odd because she's usually not up late on work nights. Well, that's actually an assumption from the old days. I saw Harry's truck parked in the driveway. "Don't tell me that she's fucking that yokel," I said to myself. I could hear some talking so I moved closer. I stood next to the hedge that separates the neighbor's house from Lori's place. The windows were open so I could hear some of the conversation. Then, I heard a couple of beer cans being opened. I don't know whether the Almighty directed me to witness this or not. All I can say is that Chris' story is sounding more like the truth. From what I could tell, Lori controlled the conversation. She was doling out advice as usual. I remember seeing this in Oregon, only she was sober. It struck me that Lori could conceivably end up with Harry, throwing a real blackeye in da game. He's probably similar in many ways to the "carpet guy," although he's six years younger than Lori. He's no stud. He poses no threat to Lori because he is not assertive. If I were to extrapolate over the course of Lori's past I would venture to guess that Chris, Lance, and myself were all very similar in the beginning of our relationships with Lori. We deferred to her all the time thereby empowering her.

Why has Lori resorted to this crude level of partying? I think that that is all she knows. Lori wants desperately to transcend the social ladder. She has polished her professional etiquette. However, her social skills are still on the level of the college party crowd. I'm sure that she would love to attend gala events. Her affinity to become the center of attention may be her demise. If, say, Balding Bill were to invite Lori to a major social event related to his career, Lori may jeopardize his position by attempting to steal the show. She may think that she is advancing her significant other's stature, but she may well be engaged in a major faüx pas. This is painfully obvious to people of the upper social crust. Thus, Lori may suffice as a good mistress for a quick affair. She has probably figured that she can lead a double life. When Balding Bill is away, she can hang out with dorks like Harry. I don't think that will sit well with anybody, to tell you the truth.

The ramifications of Lori's actions are self-evident. Steph is going to suffer badly. I'm beginning to think that Lori leaves her home alone for a significant part of the week. Steph is emotionally starved. Lori will most likely screw up somewhere along the way. Chris' predictions that she will lose this job are looking to be right on. Lori does not seem to care. I just have to make sure that I don't follow the same self-destructive path or be pulled into the vortex with Lori.

I read Lila by Pirsig on the plane as I winged my way to Cali. I finally arrived in San Francisco at 9:15pm. There was no reminiscing this time. I am here to begin the healing process and look toward the future. My old buddy John was at the airport to greet me. We drove back to San Jose and spent the rest of the evening talking and catching up. The big question ... should I put the Cali trip in the public journal?

Saturday March 20

I mentioned an interesting concept today in the public journal. It had to do with a discussion that I had with John's wife Linda. I would not have thought twice about it except that she was dead serious. It had to do with flowers and cards. That's right. The quality and cost of those items are not important. It's the symbolism that counts. What do these symbols mean? They symbolize the fact that a guy is thinking about his woman during the day or at a certain point in time enough to offer a gesture to that effect. For women, this is very important. So much so that some women would consider walking out of a relationship if these tokens were offered few and far between. Does this sound familiar? "It's better to give a $5 bunch of flowers every week than to spend $60 on one flower arrangement every few months," she told me. Guys see things differently. We perceives that women would consider us cheapskates if we spend so little on those symbols. This confusion has probably led to the demise of many relationships. I know of one that stands out in particular.

I have been guilty of this thinking myself. Of course, now it is after-the-fact. If only I had been more conscientious of these details. Instead, I was derelict in my duty. Women are intricately complex creatures. Linda verified that, if a woman has to provide more than hints to clue a man in about these tokens, then it is most likely too late. The relationship is already over. And, even if a guy tries hard to make up for his stupidity, the woman will always ask why he never did that before. Does this sound familiar as well? I am beginning to see that most men are ill-equipped to be in relationships. We are totally unaware of the nuances that make a relationship thrive. We want to be educated but women have already thrown in the towel by the time they express what they want directly. It seems unfair but they always ask, "Didn't your mother teach you this?" For some us, the answer is a resounding "no." Our ignorance does not make us guilty of being chauvinists who take women for granted. Many of us want to change for the better. We really appreciate our women. We just need to be educated on the finer points. This is a short tutorial for my fellow troglodytes. Pay heed to this advice for it may determine the future of your relationships.

I spent part of the afternoon setting up John's daughter Vicki with Instant Messenger while John was installing Linux on one of his computers. Vicki is 13 years old, a little older than Steph. There is a big difference in how Vicki relates to adults than how Steph relates to adults. It saddened me to think about Steph. Will Lori continue her non-stop partying even when her daughter returns from Oregon? Will she have gotten it out of her system by then? I am so powerless to do anything about it. I am equally powerless in trying to answer the simplest questions about why our relationship went sour. All of these answers lie with Lori and she isn't saying anything.

In Hawai'i, when we want to tell someone to get lost, we say, "Beat it!" It's Pidgin English nonsense. I've told Lori many times that, if she doesn't want me in her life, she should just tell me to "Beat it!" Even in the most trying moments when she said that she never wanted to see me again, I asked her, "Are you telling me to 'Beat it!'" She would remain silent. Yeah, I am grasping at straws. But, like Phaedrus in Lila, I am using my own insanity to explain the insanity of others. The most painful part is that Lori will not ask for help. She never has. I'm really not the person who can help her, but neither are any of her so-called friends. The alcohol and/or drugs are making her psychotic (alcohol induced psychosis). I noticed the same traits in myself. The sober moments are harder to deal with. There is a lot more tension and anxiety. That's the body and mind reacting to the substance. That's the conscience compensating for the artificially induced intrusion upon it. My appeals to her have fallen upon deaf ears, I'm afraid. It makes me sad. Then again, she may do just fine. I may be the one to crash and burn..

Sunday March 21

The purpose of my trip becomes more nebulous. I have not secured the job interview that I desired but I will still look at what opportunities are available. My preoccupation with Lori is still intrusive. My sadness for Steph continues to build. Pain and suffering. Why do we embrace them? Why do we cherish them? Lori is a lesson in pain and suffering. She seems to thrive on it. I don't know whether any of it is a growing experience for her or whether she just considers it to be "normal" functioning. Her life is chaotic. She is seldom on time for anything although she wastes a lot of time until the last minute. She does somehow manage to get everything done, however. I found this quirk about her to be endearing, yet oftentimes it was annoying.

Without having any more background information on Lori, I cannot really understand her. I believe that Chris knows little about Lori either. She is an enigma to me as I probably am to her. I guess it would be easier for me to get over this painful time if I was more consumer-oriented. I don't like the buy and discard mentality. Then, too, I'm firmly committed to recycling. Can you see how this might affect other segments of my life? It's not easy for me to acquire anything unless I really need it. That may apply to my relationships as well. I'm not inclined to give up and discard anything that quickly either, which is why I am hanging on. In that respect, Lori is far different than I am. When I first met her and during the time I spent in Oregon, she was much more reserved. Perhaps, she is a chameleon. She just changed momentarily to suit me. Why? Why was I so important that she had to do that?

I picked up my little red rental car this afternoon. I left for Salinas a little after three o' clock upon bidding John and Linda farewell. Caroll returned home from work a little after I arrived. We went out for coffee and dinner. I presented a hard copy of this journal to her.

Monday March 22

Caroll seemed fascinated by what she read. She thinks that I should change the names and make this into a novel. Perhaps I should. She also believes that Lori is exhibiting symptoms of "sex and love addiction." Of course, this is only an initial prognosis. For the record, I should include what I know about Lori's relationship with Lance, the "carpet guy." Lori was engaged to Lance and they lived together in the same apartment that I cohabited with Lori. Imagine, I made love to Lori on the exact same bed they did. Lori has always told me that she and Lance were deeply in love. When she talked about him, she seemed to still be in love with him. He was "such a wonderful man ... until he got drunk." Apparently, Lance did a lot of drinking. When he got drunk, things got ugly. Lori mentioned that Steph loved Lance, too. Oddly, when Steph was talking about him a few months ago, she said, "I hardly knew him. He was never at home." She also described how her mother and Lance were always arguing. Strangely, Lance ended up cheating on Lori with a neighbor who wasn't very attractive, at least according to Lori. I asked her why he would do that since she and Lance were so much in love. "I don't know. I guess he had a lot of problems," she said. That answer makes absolutely no sense. I also naturally assumed that Lori wasn't doing much drinking at that time since I based my impression on the Lori that I had met. If I were to make the assumption that she was drinking also, then things start to make a lot more sense. She also claimed that Lance's father did not like her and interfered with their relationship.

Oddly, Lori claims that she had a great relationship with Lance's mother. She also claims that she has a great relationship with Chris' mother. I have witnessed that Chris' mother does communicate with Lori often. Why does she always seem to get along only with her boyfriends' mothers? Only with moms did Lori have problems. Moms disassociated from Lori after she heard about all that had transpired. I believe that had a significant impact on my subsequent dealings with Lori.

Finally, I should mention that Lori has been engaged five times so far. Out of that, she's been married once and divorced. I was fiancé number five. Does this sound a little odd to you? Lori revealed this tidbit to me during one of her tirades back in December.

I met Caroll in Santa Cruz today since she had to work. Caroll took a few breaks so we could have coffee and eat lunch. I really consider Caroll to be one of my best friends. She has been reviewing this journal in hard copy form. She felt bad that Lori was upset about her alleged "clandestine" visit. I told Caroll that Lori knew we were good friends for a long time. In fact, remember when Lori and I met in San Francisco? Caroll had called us when we were at the hotel. Lori and I were in the middle of some intense love making. I was a little out of breath when I answered the phone. I mentioned this tidbit to Caroll today but she did not recollect that I sounded out of breath. Also, when I flew to Cali in February two years ago, I stayed with Caroll for a few days. In fact, Caroll helped me search for the artichokes that Lori used for the Festival of the Artichokes.

The drive to Convalescent City was nice. I managed to get in some quality thinking time. I thought about some of things that Caroll told me insofar as my situation is concerned. She has not finished reading this private journal so I will not include any of her comments yet. I arrived late in the afternoon and met up with Tom. [I will report the innocuous stuff in the public journal.]

Tuesday March 23

Well, my whole life has degenerated to a real life version of The Jerry Springer Show. Maybe Lori and I should have signed up as guests. Wouldn't that be something? Maybe the nightmare Robert (rbryant@mci2000.com) had would have come true (see V.3).

I believe that my journey to Cali this time is a Vision Quest of sorts. Sorry, no peyote, just fire water. I had to return here this week. I had to return to the beginning. This is where the real journey started and this is where it must end. As I told Kevin today, I am still searching for answers even though there may be none. I am still puzzled about why Lori and I went through such lengths to be with each other, but our relationship ended over mundane events. Even Kevin was bewildered by this since he has been good friends with both Lori and I for over two years. Of course, Kevin has not heard from Lori in a long time which should be another indication of her lack of commitment to the past. The whole thing still baffles me. Why did Lori drive 1,000 miles to visit me here in Convalescent City? Sure, we were working on our collaborative book project. However, that was put on the back burner when our romance started up. I'm sure that Lori knew exactly what was going to happen when she came here. She knew when she would end up in bed with me. She knew when we would make love for the first time. She knew that I would fall into a relationship with her. Why?

Meeting up with all my old friends has been extremely therapeutic. I did not have as a good a time here in December because I was too preoccupied with Lori. This time, I have made an attempt to savor my time with my friends although I am still trying to make sense of everything. And, I continue to invite more people to peruse the "journal of the mind." I'm not sure what will happen when I return to Hawai'i. I hope that I do not fall into old thought patterns. I don't think I'll be able to secure any teaching contracts for the Summer in Convalescent City. However, I am going to make sure that I return here to visit again. These people here are my true friends. I can neither trust or depend on Lori to be my friend anymore.

Wednesday March 24

I cannot seem to help but wonder what Lori is doing. When I returned back to Tom's place at 10:30 last night, I knew that it was still 8:30 in Hawai'i. Is Lori out with Harry? Is she getting drunk? Is she making love to Balding Bill? Is she having a good time without me? These thoughts hinder my progress with closure. Three years ago today, Lori departed Convalescent City as her visit came to an end. I recalled that I followed her to the gas station so she could fill her car up with gas. She talked the attendant into giving her one of the Bird of Paradise flowers that were outside on display. We kissed and hugged for the last time. I followed her up the road until she turned onto the freeway on-ramp. I watched as she drove off. I had never felt so sad and alone as I did that day. In the public journal I wrote, "I would like to say thank you for being my friend and partner. There will always be a special place in my heart for my friend, and I look forward to the day that we will meet again." I felt so sad as I read those words again. My whole life has revolved around Lori for the last three years. So ends one of the most pivotal points in my life. I have celebrated this time alone. I have returned to the beginning. I have made peace with myself.

Thursday March 25

It's going to be a long time before I recover from this fiasco. I am a little disappointed that Lori did not find this time to be of any importance. Yet I know that there is nothing more I can do. My trip to Cali has been a disappointment insofar as employment opportunities are concerned. This only means that the time is not right for me to work here. I am still considering a month vacation in Convalescent City this Summer. I had a great time with my friends. I have been blessed with great friends.

At the risk of conjecture, I feel that I have coped better than Lori because I have had a strong support network of good friends. I do not know all of Lori's friends but I am not impressed with the ones I have seen. They seem to contribute more to her demise than to help her. Guys like Harry are only sticking around just for a chance to get into Lori's pants. Lori thrives on people, especially guys, who are dependent on her. Yet, she seeks out certain people for help but the most capable like Lavinya refuse to get involved. I may tax my friendships at times with my weaknesses but my friends have gone the extra mile for me. Why do they do that? Have I proven to be a good friend to them? I hope so.

Until I can get myself settled in Hawai'i and find my place, I can still look forward to my visits to Cali. I have been very fortunate in that I can afford to come here. This trip will cost me about $900 but it was worth every cent. If I wasn't working at all, I would never have been able to visit Cali. There is probably a lot more that I could have done with the money but I believe that my sanity is more important than anything else. If I had a group of friends around in Hawai'i, I would heal quicker. Lori is trying to do the same but I seriously doubt that her drinking and partying will have much therapeutic affect. I can only wish her the best. I have tried to be the friend that she really needs but she did not want my friendship. I can no longer worry about her or Steph. Yesterday, I cast off the part of Lori's soul that remained with me for these three years. She is no longer any part of my life. I am free to be the monk. Yet, the questions remain.

Friday March 26

Caroll contacted me today. She is driving down to her brother's place in Hanford so I will be spending another night in Convalescent City. I certainly didn't mind. My beloved cell phone has come in handy on this trip. I should have brought it with me on my last trip to Cali because it has been instrumental in my ability to connect with everyone. Caroll said that she has some feedback for me concerning the private journal. I will discuss that with her tomorrow. I will drive to San Jose and return my rental car. I'll spend a little time with John before I meet Caroll in Gilroy.

I am already experiencing pangs of anxiety as Monday draws closer. I really don't want to return to Hawai'i. I know that it's a bit childish. I just don't want to go back to my lonely existence. I have had a difficult time in trying to refocus my spiritual direction back to the monk ways. It's easy to see why. I have compromised my spirit through the weakness of the flesh. I don't know if I can ever return to the monk ways. I've been telling everyone that I need a new babe. Actually, I don't need a new babe. I want a new babe. Perhaps I just cannot purge the lust from my loins. At this point in time, I just cannot see myself with another babe. What crazy babe would want me?

I feel much better about my situation, if you can believe it. Maybe that bottle of White Zinfadel helped. I am still worried that I will relapse into the same old crap once I arrive in Hawai'i. When I'm there, I feel powerless since it seems as though Lori has won. She has shown me that she can do much better without me. I feel as though she is laughing her ass off just at the thought of what a loser I am. Yes, I feel small and insignificant. As far as any reconciliation with Lori is concerned, I have mentioned many times that I do not ever expect that to happen. At this point in time, I have very little in the way of feelings for her. I still wouldn't mind having sex with her but even that is on the wane. After listening to that foul-mouthed bitch cuss me out for the last three months, I can't even find one reason to call her attractive. Her drinking has only made her disposition worse. She acts like a damned slut so she must really be one. Frankly, I believe almost all the crap that Chris told me. She's a sexual predator and a manipulator. She uses everyone, including her own daughter, to get what she wants. She has no remorse.

Saturday March 27

I met up with Caroll in Gilroy. Since I managed to keep my rental car for another day, I drove down to Salinas. Caroll cooked an excellent meal. She discussed, albeit reluctantly, what she thought about my situation. Caroll believes that my relationship with Lori began and ended with the journal. She seems to think that the "celebrity theory" that other readers have suggested may have merit. I have had a lot of difficulty with this theory. LoserNet is not what I would call an immensely popular site. I doubt that there are more than three people who read it regularly. There is no celebrity element with such a small audience. Caroll also said that I was "emotionally raped," although I am unclear about what she meant. She also emphasized (as did many other people) that she did not think that Lori was a bad person. Perhaps that is true. I may have gotten a little carried away with my diatribe about Lori yesterday.

Caroll is correct about one thing. Lori is doing far better than I am. Essentially, I am wasting my energy thinking about Lori because she has probably  moved on psychologically. Lori has given little thought about me. I just want to believe that she still thinks about me. There is no fairness in what has happened. I cannot force any equity upon the situation. I suppose that I need to think about my own predicament. I have a lot of anxiety about my so-called situation. I have no career and no life. Perhaps my own motivation is suspect. Maybe I wanted to reconcile with Lori because she is doing well and I can live comfortably off of her income. These are the kinds of speculations that I cannot put in the public journal. Lori would read this and believe that I was making some kind of confession. Frankly I have no idea what is going through my pea-sized brain. I have to wonder, though. What exactly is the reason for my continued emotional commitment to Lori? Why should I care about her? Why am I concerned about her dating? Perhaps this why Caroll said that I was emotionally raped.

Sunday March 28

Today is my last full day in Cali. Caroll drove up to San Jose this afternoon and met up with John and I at Fry's Electronics. Caroll is interested in purchasing a computer. John helped acquaint her with what's available. We then went out for coffee and chatted for a while. It's interesting to see how different people's lives cross paths as a result of knowing someone like the ol' lavahead. That's the first time I've used my favorite moniker in this journal.

Last night, I had a dream that I was talking to Lori. I noticed a ring on her finger and I grabbed her hand to look at it. It was an engagement ring with a whole mess of diamonds. I took this to be a message that was delivered to me by a higher source. I have no idea whether it's meaning was valid or not.

Caroll seems to believe that I am obsessed with my journals. Many people seem to believe the same thing. I guess it's true in a way. I should point out that I do not live for the journal. I don't mold my life to make a better story line for the journals. It does seem like I am obsessed with Lori, considering that the bulk of the material in this journal is about her and my previous relationship with her. When I set up this private journal, I made it clear that its express purpose was to archive a lot of the material from the public journal that evidently led to the demise of my relationship with Lori. I compromised my integrity by doing so and it did little to salvage the relationship. At this point in time, Lori and I are not even friends. She has completely disassociated from me. The reason that this journal is focused on the situation with Lori is because that is what it was intended to be. I had to find a way to record one of the most significant events in my life. As this is not the public journal, I believe that I can do this. There seems to be some confusion about the mandate of the private journal. I hope this clears this matter up.

I briefly touched on a point yesterday which is now haunting me. I believe that the boundaries of the different aspects of my life have become muddled a relationship that went awry. Perhaps there is some element of co-dependency or obsession involved here. My whole world collapsed as result of the breakup. I had fared better than my breakup with Susan. I was very depressed and had reduced myself to a crying fool many times after the demise of that seven-year relationship. In retrospect, I should have married her. Heck, in retrospect, I should have gone for Clare, Donna, or Janet. I didn't really go through the depression stage as bad when Lori left me. I did go through an excruciating sexual withdrawal this time around. I think it's easy to see why. It's natural for several, if not all, aspects of one's life to shut down after such a traumatic situation. The mind cannot distinguish between boundaries of each segment. I have lumped everything into one basket. That's probably why I cannot yet obtain closure.

In some respects, I must have derived strength from Lori to be able to cope with my own situation. When she eventually left me, I felt abandoned. I could no longer see a source of strength to continue. Lori probably feels justified in doing so because she alleged that I had abandoned her. Overall, our issues with abandonment are directly related to our perception of what the other has done or not done. Lori has discovered that she derived little strength from me. She was able to quickly recover and move on as a result of that realization. I, on the other hand, have not faced the facts. I am probably under the false impression that Lori has given me the strength to get where I am, which isn't too far from nowhere. I felt lost without her. I need to find out where this thinking originated and what I am going to do to change it. That is where we need to go next. My whole future depends on whether I can separate myself from this mindset.

To be continued ... Go to V.6