The Underground Journal V.13
Note: This version of the journal is not censored or edited according to normal LoserNet guidelines. It is also not formatted for aesthetics. Please do not read this version of the journal if you feel you will become disillusioned. This journal is not a public journal. There are no links to it from LoserNet. If you read this journal, you agree that it was not publicly available and that you are here by invitation alone. Sharing this information violates this right. This information is considered confidential whether there are embellishments or not. Nothing in this journal should be considered fact, nor should the names or places be considered real.
Wednesday June 30, 1999

As I suspected, there would be a lot more scandalous information. I happened to talk to Anne on the express bus this afternoon. She mentioned about going to the Brew Moon this weekend. As it turned out, she went with Lori. Lori is apparently "seeing two guys" according to Anne. Balding Bill and Kirk. Of course, she is sleeping only with Kirk. The Mercedes is the only car that is ever at Lori's place overnight. Balding Bill and Pete, the drunken yachtsman, are just side dishes. They provide Lori with more services and entertainment for free. I suppose that Balding Bill serves one other purpose. He is there to make Kirk realize that he has competition.

Lori is also not working yet. That makes two months, and Lori apparently doesn't care. She is obviously getting money from another source. She was supposedly taking time off for surgery. "Surgery? I know that she had some tests done but that's it," Anne told me. So, Lori has been doing exactly what I suspected. She has been inundating Kirk with sex to trap him. At first, I thought it was Balding Bill. Anne believes that Lori will remain in Hawai'i Kai. "Why doesn't she just marry Kirk and move out of Hawai'i Kai?" I asked. "Hey, she might marry him and he may end up moving in with her. Be careful of what you ask for. It might come true," Anne replied. I think Anne told me exactly what was going to happen. I believe that she knows exactly what Lori is up to. Why would Lori tell her? Because Lori wants to be the envy of all of her friends. Poor Anne works hard and earns an honest living. She will never live the life that Lori has.

So, now you know what's going on. The whole thing is sickening. Lori is a sick woman and basically she is a cheap whore. The surgery story was yet another in the line to make me feel guilt ridden. And, it has worked up until now. I have constantly wondered whether it was my fault that Lori ended up doing what she's doing now. Man, what a sucker. And, do you think that she misses her daughter, whom I allegedly was responsible for sending back to an abusive ex-husband? I doubt it. She is out partying, drinking, doing drugs, and having extreme sex with very desperate and lonely rich guys. She has found a sucker who is willing to open his wallet for her.

I purchased my tickets to fly to Cali on Friday. So, I'm outta here. I need to clear my head. And, I have to get real. Lori has no feelings for me and may never have. She has used me for whatever purpose she needed and discarded me. The sooner I realize this, the faster I am going to heal. I will be meeting Kevin in LA. He has vowed to break me of the fire water. It's time that I do. If I go out for a few drinks with my babe students, that's another story. "When it's over, you have to let it go and move forward with your life," Anne told me. I believe that she has a special insight. She's knows the level of debauchery that is going on and she is telling me to get out while I can. Sooner or later, Lori's house of cards is going to fall. I cannot be around when it happens.

Thursday July 1

I was supposed to have had a phone interview yesterday with another partner of the consulting firm in Seattle. However, this partner works out of the LA office. Since I am going to be in LA, I have made tentative arrangements to contact him when I'm there. So, I may have a personal interview if we can touch bases. Tomorrow cannot come soon enough. I have got to get some distance between that bitch and myself. She has almost destroyed me. Let's hope that I get some quality time in when I'm gone. I want to be ready to face the challenges ahead. I may have to stay in Hawai'i and I have to be ready to accept what is handed me. That could even include more games with that evil bitch. Don't worry, we'll keep you posted. Sometimes I wish I could find a new babe, but that may only mean that I will end up with another thirteen volume set like this. Sheesh!

Tuesday July 6

You may have read of my trip to Cali in Regular One. I had my phone interview yesterday while I was in LA. I don't think that I did that well. So, I am now worried. My options are gradually disappearing. My classes are also being reviewed and I sense that I will no longer be teaching at the business college after Summer. There is a political force behind this. My time in Hawai'i is limited. My sanity is limited.

Word has it that Lori is pretty much living with Kirk already. No one has seen her in days. It's a strange situation, one that has made me view another aspect of my relationship with Lori in retrospect. I have realized that I have never had any real meaningful discussions with Lori in all the years that I have known her. Our whole relationship was based on physical intimacy and proximity. We talked, of course, but it was mostly romantic babble. Lori's only discussion interests that I know of included getting a suntan without tan lines, expensive clothes and shoes, and entertainment industry trivia. We have never had any intellectual discourse as far as I remember. Our closest to intellectual discussion was the one about Intel on the way to Cannon Beach on July 11th three years ago. That resulted in an emotional tirade because of her ties with Randal. We've never talked about anything of substance ever since. Physical intimacy is very powerful. For lonely old guys, it is overwhelming. It can substitute for other aspects of a relationship for a long time. What made me realize this now? I've known this for a long time. However, my encounter with Kerri on the plane made me realize that I have never engaged in like conversation with Lori. Perhaps that is why I felt so lonely even though I was with Lori for so long.

Lori has trained herself to be a housewife. That is what she was always destined to be. A kept woman. Since Alexis recently resigned from the working world, Lori must have felt an even greater need to not be outdone. I should have seen all of the signs. In the nine years that Lori lived in Oregon, I have no idea what she did to further her intellectual and personal development. She'll say that she devoted herself to motherhood. Yet, Steph was gone every Summer. Lori never even bothered to finish her college degree during that time. She could have done that over those years. I am not trying to belittle Lori at this late date. I just wonder now what she was doing aside from trying to find her Knight in Shining Armor. For that is all she has accomplished. Going from one bad relationship to the next. Interestingly, I see single mothers every day who work and go to school as well as raise their kids. So, the writing is on the wall.

Lori has sought out Kirk for one reason. He is rich and dumb, at least at the onset. Who knows what he's really up to? He could bamboozle Lori and dump her after he gets tired of fucking her. Or, maybe he was just a rich, lonely guy who frequented the haole bars. One day, Lori just popped in. I'm sure that Kirk is enjoying his new sex toy. Lori is a pleasure machine. She knows how to please a man. I should know. The warmth and comfort of a pretty female body can warm any old man's heart. It can make his dick hard, too. He'll never have sex like that for a long time. Sooner or later, though, he'll realize that there is nothing more. There will be endless expensive shopping trips. Soon, he will have to do only what she wants to do. Maybe he'll take her skiing or at least pay for it. He'll tell his stories and she'll listen intently. For a little while, that is. She'll tell him many tall tales and he'll believe them. For a little while. One day, he'll either want more than triviality or he'll step on a land mine. After the ax falls, all he'll remember is the sex. Just as I did. There was love but it was only romantic love. The kind of love that eventually fades away and should be replaced by unconditional love and understanding. Compassion, too. With Lori, that never happens.

It's like everyone says. It could have been me. I could have been the victim. I could have lost my meager savings. Money doesn't mean a lot to me. I believe I lost something more than material worth. I lost my self-worth. However, with each day I am beginning to see many more things. I know now that Lori would have left me no matter what. There was no way that I could live up to her dream. She's living her dream now and she's gotten cocky again. She burned her bridge with the only person she could really trust. It's too bad.

Monday July 12

I have had recurring panic attacks every night. The situation is getting out of hand. I now realize that I have a lot of anger bottled up within me. I am particularly perturbed at how Lori has gotten away with the same old bullshit she has been pulling for years. I try hard to remember that vengeance is not mine. Word from da 'hood has it that Lori is gradually moving everything to Kirk's place. So, Lori ends up marrying a rich pud and lives her Cinderella life. I will wallow in misery and poverty for a few years before I just go berserk. Is this justice? That's why I'm angry. No, I'm mad as hell. How can that bitch literally get away with murder? In a way, I'm a damned fool. After my own whirlwind romance with Lori, how could I not expect her to repeat the same thing? She preys on lonely guys, I believe. My premonition tells me that she met Kirk at The Shack. Yeah, that stupid bar right out here in Hawai'i Kai. So, she may still remain somewhere in Hawai'i Kai.

Perhaps I'm even more angry because she looks down on me and my family now. We are just impoverished cretins of a lower class. Re-read everything since the breakup and notice Lori's fixation with money and wealth. My own observations in the public journal (which I later removed) were accurate. And, Chris' testimony substantiated the details. Kirk looks like he's fifty years old. He must be in sex heaven. Lori gained social status, financial worth, and a meal ticket just because of what's between her legs. My homeys are suggesting that I start dating. They are right. I need to find another babe to purge the disdain I have accumulated for Lori. Of course, my experience with Lori now makes me wonder whether all babes are like this. Is my next babe going to leave me for a rich guy? Is she going to drag me through the same kind of contrived slime and melodrama that Lori did? How can I trust any babe ever again?

More from The Forum

Annie wrote a couple of weeks ago:

Didn't you know the "hysterectomy" was just another lie? Look, it doesn't do any good to feel bad about being bamboozled. She's very good at what she does. Its like when you dance with a really good dancer and they lead you all over the floor and you really think that you can dance. When it turns out you can't after all, well, that's okay. Your dance partner was just doing their job. This is Lori's job. And she's very, very good at it. That doesn't mean that she's a bad person. In fact, she has more need of compassion than most. But you need to turn your attention and compassion to you, not her. Don't worry about her. She'll be fine. And so will you.
In response to whether he believed Lori's whirlwind romance with slimeball to be credible, Kevin (cyclist@flash.net) wrote:
Sure can - a parasite needs to find another host pretty fast when the first host can no longer support it, after all. That's what Lori is - a parasite. Ick.
And, about whether there will be any justice in the end, he wrote:
Oh, she will pay - it's called "karma", and it catches up with everybody. Einstein once said that God does not play dice, and I agree - I think that He's an accountant, myself. :)
All I've got is GrooveTech and my hand.

Thursday July 15

I still have to come to grips with my stupidity as well as my sexuality. I may not know much about either. I lack understanding about myself as a biological creature as well as a logical (read: Data-like) creature. Perhaps that can explain away some of my ignorance. What I do know is that I cannot fight the biology much longer. It is too strong. I don't want to blame Lori because I was just as responsible for my own fall from grace. For example, I noticed that one of the babes who works at the gym always smiles and says hello to me whenever she's walking around. I don't see her doing this to other guys. Her name is Letisha. I say hello back but I can feel this urge to ask her out welling up inside me. For all I know, she has a stud, and she's most likely in her early twenties. It's crazy because I mentioned in Regular One how I don't even rank in the dating picture. My point is this. I cannot believe how strong these temptations are. I've either never felt them before or I've had tremendous willpower.

I also can't say that it doesn't bother me knowing that Kirk is dropping his rocks with Lori. I can see why the fool is giving it up (the dough, that is). I can't help but wonder how a rich guy would be stupid enough to hook up with Lori. She's only latching on to him because she will get what she wants. Doesn't this fool have an attorney? Which proves my point. The sex is going to override all logic. It took no amount of persuasion for me to have endless sex with Lori. Neither did it take much to dissuade me from the idea of any contraceptives. Guys are not stupid nor are most of us just out to get laid. It may seem that way but most guys do have feelings for their babes. But, sex is a very powerful event for guys. It is the vehicle with which we display our intimacy. It is also when we are the most vulnerable. Sheesh!

Monday July 26

Annie mentioned a short anecdote in passing a few weeks ago. She said that she stopped corresponding with Lori via e-mail just when she became engaged. She tried to share the good news with Lori. Apparently, Lori replied with a very sarcastic e-mail. Of course, that was during our troubled times. But I was surprised to hear about that. A few people have also mentioned that Lori is probably feeling pangs of guilt and is desperately trying to distract herself so she feels no pain. I'm afraid that isn't true. As you may recall, Chris said that Lori "can't understand normal thinking." If we were in her shoes, then we may feel extreme guilt. Lori is unaffected by her actions. She is having the time of her life and she does not care what kind of mayhem she may have caused to get to where she wanted to be.

Word from da 'hood is that Lori still is renting the house down the street. She is seldom there, so we know she's basically living with Kirk. I could speculate why this is. I believe that Kirk has not made a commitment to Lori as yet. She is also playing a petty "hard to get" game. By maintaining her place, she can force Kirk to try even harder to woo her to move in. No one knows whether Lori is working or not. I have not seen her downtown. If she is working, then Kirk must have gotten her a job. I'm still waiting for someone to tell me that she's pregnant. In the meantime, we'll just keep our ears open.

Sunday August 1

This is the final entry in the private journal. Lori has moved out of her place. She is now officially living with Kirk. The word from da 'hood is that she moved out earlier in the week. I have no idea why but apparently she had Kirk move a mattress from her old place. I can't see Kirk strapping a mattress to the top of the Mercedes but that is the story as I heard it. I confirmed the move by having Paul (from Chaminade) call Lori's place on his cell phone. His number is restricted so it would not show up on Caller ID. Lori has invoked a voice mailbox in place of her old number. So, it is confirmed that she is gone. I do not know where Kirk lives and I am not going to find out. I am deeply depressed. I didn't think I would be but I was on the verge of tears knowing that Lori has made the final move to be with Kirk.

Still, how do I end this story? A few paragraphs seem so trite in comparison to the adventure that brought us here. I am sad and actually I am on the verge of crying as I write this. For all I've been through, I should be happy. I'll be honest and say that I'm not. I am in a deep funk. The fire water is barely keeping me from losin' it. I can't really explain what I feel. It is just a hodge-podge of emotions. I don't even feel like a man anymore. Lori left behind the Jade tree that moms gave her. I figured as much. Her new life requires that she jettison everything from the past. It was easy for her.

I took a walk down Hanakoa Street for the last time to see the house that Lori once lived in. I wept silently as I walked by. It's only me. Nobody else cares. Not even Lori. I noticed that everything was in disarray. The gardening stuff and the hibachi were laying around in the carport. I looked in the front window and saw that everything was still intact. The Bose Wave Radio was still sitting in the living room. What the hell is going on? It seems that Lori has abandoned everything from her past life. She has only taken her clothes with her. That's her closure, I suppose.

Epilogue

I don't know if I'll ever love again. I don't think that I can. I cannot handle heartache. It hurts me badly. I don't think that I could ever explain love and how I feel it. When I listen to my Smooth Jazz CDs, I feel the emotion that I know as love. It is is an overwhelming feeling that I cannot put into words. When that love is gone, the overwhelming feeling is melancholia. That is how I feel now. My life is empty and it is sad. Perhaps Lori was not the right person for me but there is a void in my life now. I am lonely. I couldn't cry before but now the tears come easily. For I know that this is the end of the line for this journey. I am weary. It is amazing that it had to end his way. The mind games. The pseudo-dramas. What was it worth? I am the one who ended up the loser. Why does life have to be this way? I don't know and I never will know.

Many thanks to everyone who has stayed with me throughout this debacle. Only through your support and compassion have I made it out relatively unscathed. Time heals all wounds. I will find out whether that is true. In the meantime, stay with us. The journey continues in Regular One.

Update - Tuesday August 3

Why I felt that I needed a Manapua for lunch, I'll never know. However, as I walked through town and passed by the bus stop, I practically bumped into Lori as she got off the bus. She was wearing a new sun dress. She looked beautiful even though she had put on a few pounds. She was extremely friendly. The first thing I did was look at her ring finger. Nothing. Not even the fake ring. Very suspicious. I asked how she's been and we exchanged other stupid gratuities.

"So, I heard you moved out of your place," I quipped.

"That's what all the neighbors and everyone else think," she replied. She then said that she is always at home doing work in her yard, doing laundry, and so forth. I knew this was bullshit, but why contest it? I wanted to hear her lie some more.

"Well, you're living with your new boyfriend, right?"

"That's what everyone's been thinking but they don't know. There's nothing going on. I'm just dating and having fun. Nothing more."

She went on to say that she is dating two guys. Balding Bill and Kirk. Yeah, right.
"I really like Bill, but he is gone a lot. I spend much more time with Kirk." Exactly when does she see Bill since lives with Kirk?

"Aww, c'mon," I told her. "So, you're sleeping with two guys? Why don't you just tell me the truth for once?"

"You can join Lexi and I for lunch and you'll hear the same thing."

The banter went on with more rhetoric from Lori. I sincerely believe that Lori is now lying to everyone, because even Anne told me the same thing. I also heard the obligatory accusations about how I was responsible for our failed relationship. There was some melodrama with tears. She also denied that the demise of our relationship had anything to do with money but she was proud to tell me that people asked if she owned a Mercedes (Kirk's) or a Lexus (Bill's).
"Everyone has asked me who is paying my rent. I am. I have four weeks of unemployment left. Then, I'll have to find a job. That is, if I can find a job." What she meant is if she can give head to someone for a job. "I'm taking the Summer off. And, I'm having a great time."
If I were in her shoes, I'd be a little concerned about my situation. Lori seemed non-plused as if she knew that something was going to come along, not necessarily a job. So, she has been having a great time. What do you think? Whimsical. Too whimsical. I believe that deep down inside Lori is afraid. She is not sure whether she will get what she wants. However, she must be somewhat self-assured that she will have a safety net. I am certain that she is using sex again to lure these poor fools in.
"I doubt I'll marry either of those guys," she later said. "I just want to have fun. I should have done this when I was in high school."
She also asked if I wanted to do any hikes with her, but I had better not be "trying to get back together" with her. I told her that it wasn't a good idea. "I have strong feelings for you," I said. I didn't elaborate that I don't love her. I just want to fuck her.

After our brief discussion, I said, "Good-bye, Lori." She laughed out loud, almost facetiously.

"What's so funny?"

"You're kidding, right? You've got to be kidding." She continued to laugh as she crossed the street. I had no idea what was so funny.

"Maybe I'll see you in a few years," I yelled to her.

A strange encounter with a person I really do not know. What do you make of all of this? Why is she still renting a house for $1,200 per month when she really doesn't live there? Why isn't she concerned about saving her money by moving into a smaller place? Why is she just concerned about having a good time when she is unemployed? What about the hysterectomy? That never came up.

Update - Monday August 9

I neglected to mention that, after I was accused of leaking information to Chris, I decided to send him a detailed letter of what's going on. I have no idea whether he read it or not. My purpose was to make sure that he knew the facts before even considering sending Stephanie back to Hawai'i, if that ever were the case. Naturally, the subject of her daughter never came up in the last conversation I had with Lori. I find that very peculiar. The writing is on the wall. I never mentioned that, in Oregon, Stephanie was gone every weekend as well as the Summer, Spring, and Christmas vacations. Thus, Lori effectively took care of her daughter about 160 days per years. Since her daughter was in school, that amounted to about four hours per day of actual time involved with her daughter. For that she received (and still gets) $600 per month in child support. Clearly, Lori has not had it as hard as she says she did. In coming to Hawai'i, she realized how hard things could get. That's not the life she wanted to lead. So, she opted to find a way out. You are now reading about her Master Plan. It does not matter who gets hurt as long as Lori can have "a great time." What I find really eerie is that Barbara's predictions (see V.2) turned out to be so uncannily accurate. Barbara has also said that she has known many women who exhibit similar behavior to Lori. She also concurred that rich guys are much more savvy than they may let on. She cited an example of an acquaintance who tried hard to marry some rich turd. The clown even bought a $10,000 engagement ring. They never made it to the altar. Rich guys can afford to throw money around. It's only chump change to them. And, what price will one pay to get laid? The key, Barbara continued, is that Mercedes Boy has not asked Lori to move in with him yet. It is odd, given that Lori already stays with him 24/7. "He wants his cake and eat it, too." We'll find out more at the end of the month.

The one thing Lori has going for her is the fact that she is a transplanted mainlander. The mainlanders are a tight group here. They have difficulty integrating with the local culture. Many of the mainland guys are not attracted to the local babes beyond lust. Why? I've touched on that before. The Pidgin English and quirky ways of the locals directly clash with the mainland mainstream. Mercedes Boy may actually settle down with Lori because that is all he'll be able to get. Mainland babes are in demand here because there is a shortage of "available" ones. I doubt that Lori has told Mercedes Boy anything about me. I am sure that a guy of his social class would be appalled to find out that she has been fucking one of the local inbred cretins. Therefore, that brings me to another point. I believe that Steph and I are "evidence" that Lori wants to suppress just as she wanted to suppress Chris as "evidence" when I was in Oregon. However, you may recall that Chris came by one day unexpectedly. We all know what he was up to. It had nothing to do with his daughter's progress in school. What do I mean by suppressing "evidence"? I am "evidence" on face value. Steph, on the other hand, is "corroborating evidence." She could one day talk too much and reveal too many things as she did with me. The increasing rift between Steph and her mother would guarantee that. As you may recall, Steph provided some key pieces of information to me. Nonetheless, Lori has carefully planned and choreographed this whole scenario. She is maintaining her non-chalant attitude although she knows that she has put all her eggs in one basket. She has done it before. That was the gamble she took with me.

Update - Saturday August 14

This update falls more in line with speculation more than anything else, although I am certain that it is accurate based on historical antecedents and on observable traits. I believe that the major downfall of my relationship with Lori has to do with something entirely overlooked until now. Drugs and alcohol. I've touched on this matter before. However, I have had a really nagging suspicion ever since I realized that Lori's use of bronchial dilators and the associated pseudo-dramas were indicative of substance abuse. Not to mention that Chris had detailed his relationship with Lori as one long cocaine high. Lori has never mentioned her cocaine addiction although she did tell me that used to smoke a lot of dope. Please bear in mind that this is entirely conjecture.

As an aside, I will confess that I did drugs in my day. I have never become addicted to any drug except alcohol. The reason being that alcohol is the worst possible drug. It is a total central nervous system depressant. It basically shuts everything down. Most drugs produce heightened sensations. I did not find that to meet my objective to totally escape life. That's why I preferred alcohol. Lori does have a similar disposition to mine which is probably why we stayed together for as long as we did. However, I have noticed her propensity to seek instant gratification, which is what substance abuse is all about.

As I look back on this past year, I have seen Lori change significantly. When she started working at her first high-paying job was also when her personality changed. At first I thought it was cockiness because of her newfound wealth. However, there was more to it. She began associating with Alexis (Lexi) a lot more. As I was in my time of reckoning, I was not around much. So, I am partially to blame. Alexis and her husband party a lot. Their friends also party a lot. I do not doubt that they also do drugs. Alexis is very thin, almost anorexic. That's a common sign of drug abuse usually cocaine. Incidentally, Lori spent a lot of money but, aside from clothes, there was nothing else to show for it.

I could list the many other traits that I observed but the totally irrational behavior could be attributed to Lori's increased drug and alcohol use during this time. I have no doubt in my mind that she was already moderately into these activities. The traits that resembled borderline personality disorder (BPD) as detailed by John (johnj@jtginc.com) are also common in substance abusers (see V.10). In addition, the chronic lying, the inability to remember details, and the projection of one's own personality traits (a form of denial) are also commonplace. This also answered the question of why Lori never went back to school or bettered herself during the free time she had. [Remember, Steph was gone for most of the year.] When one is high or in a stupor, life just passes by.

What does this have to do with now? Lori would never have stayed with me unless I could have provided for her and sheltered her from the "other" lifestyle. She sought me out for that reason but came to realize that she really desired the "other" life that she knew well. My suspicion is that Kirk is a drug abuser. He has the resources to do so. Drugs are very prevalent in Hawai'i and mostly abused by the lowest and highest economic classes. Lori has latched onto her provider. That's another typical trait of substance abusers. She will not "bite the hand that feeds her." Therefore, Kirk has never seen the ugly side of Lori. She has an internal control mechanism to prevent this from happening. After all, Kirk is the source of her happiness and provider of her drug supply. This also explains (if Kirk is not giving her money) why she doesn't seem to care about finding a job or doing much of anything except having "a great time." Spending $1,200 per month rent on a vacant three-bedroom house is trivial. Her reality is totally askew. It all falls in line with what Chris had said (see V.1).

Should I feel partially responsible for all that has transpired? Sure, I didn't help matters. However, in my last conversation with Lori, she mentioned (during the brief melodrama with tears) that I tried to "control" her and that I didn't let her do what she wanted. I think it's fairly obvious by what she meant. I was holding her back from doing the things she liked to do in the past. She fails to take responsibility for her own actions, seeking out an imaginary oppressor so she can appear to be a "victim." She brings people into her life with no intention of keeping them around. It is typical substance abuser traits. Here's another clue. One of Lori's allegations is that I didn't do anything with her (i.e., go to the gym together, etc.). As you know, Lori goes to the gym by herself now. She doesn't go hiking anymore since Kirk didn't appear to be too athletic. It was more bullshit to rationalize her decision. None of her allegations have merit.

Interestingly, Lori also brought up my Bose Acoustic Wave in that discussion. I had spent my whole month's earnings to buy it even though that was the only job I had during my time of reckoning. I was making minimum wage and Lori was making $3,800 per month. She worded what she said in a way that seemed to suggest that she forgave me. Forgive me for what? "It's like spending money on a Bose Acoustic Wave. Sometimes you have to do that. That's okay," she said. Very strange. Lori also warned me that I had better not be "trying to get back together" with her. She really flatters herself, doesn't she? She must be so drugged out that she cannot remember that I told her I would never consider getting back together with her after she fucked someone else after me.

Did you ever wonder what happened to Harry, Jeff, Pete (remember she called him Paul in her e-mail), or Balding Bill? They were all chauffeuring Lori's thick ass around and catering to her every whim. They spent a lot of dough on her. They took her places, bought her things, and provided her with booze and drugs. For what? The chance to have sex with her. They did not have enough to offer or they just gave up because she expected much more before she would give up the pussy. Only Mercedes Boy passed the test, most likely because he has superior financial resources. As far Kirk fucking Lori, we already know the story. What else does Lori have to offer? She deluded herself into believing that it's love when, in actuality, it's a repeat of the events that led to her marriage to Chris (see V.1). I was too confused and my emotions were tied in a knot to see the real truth. Lori did such a great job of laying a massive guilt trip upon me such that I believed it. She is good at what she does. She is good at these petty games. It's too bad that she never applied her skills and talents to something more constructive in life aside from ruining other people's lives.

Update - Wednesday August 25

Nothing really new to update here. One more week before we see if Kirk has finally been lured into Lori's trap. On this matter, Mitch (mitchata@gateway.net) commented:

Women of any looks can just go find a rich stud following the demise of an affair, as in the case of Lori. Kirk puts up with her crap because she is good in the sack, and she is probably not letting out her darkside as much with him because she knows that she has more to lose -$$$$$. Lori probably realizes that she will not be beautiful forever, and the rich boys will stay away. I predict that she will fail. I predict that her malevolent self will raise up on Mercedes Boy before she can cash in. I even predict that if/when this demise occurs, she will attempt to get back in your good graces, and/or Balding Bill's. Then what will you do then? Use rationality and spurn her? Or get nostalgic with the pecker?
Wow! Will the sages concur? And, Elizabeth (elililli@netset.net.au) commented:
You have all the different answers it seems, you just can't settle on any. I know this confusion so well. Basically, it's just that you are in denial, and can't let go. There doesn't have to be a good or a bad guy in this story. It was just a chapter in your life. Eventually you will move on, you don't have to force it, you will gain strength in time. So much I'd like to say which is really not my position, but I really believe from your writing that you are alot stronger, wiser and capable than you give yourself credit for. Everybody hurts sometime.
Update - Tuesday September 21

Lori was on the late express bus this morning. She got on at Koko Marina. At first, I didn't recognize her because she really did look bad. She has either put on a lot more weight or that outfit she was wearing didn't do much for her. She sat up in front although I'm sure she saw me in the back. The implication of this event is obvious. Lori is working in town again and she plans to continue living in the house down the street. This is almost too absurd a situation. The sinister kahuna is working overtime to bring me to my knees. I'm not as affected by Lori as I used to be. Seeing her did not bring on any melancholia although I can feel the rage welling up inside. I believe that I'm in the final phases of adjustment to my new life. However, I now stand a chance of running into her on a daily basis. During the week, she will stay at her place so I will see her on the express bus. Since she's working in town, I'll see her around. Worse yet, I may start seeing her at the gym again. As I said, I do not become depressed when I see her. I do, however, feel the anger from all of the torment I've been put through and for being the sucker that I was. I deserve more than to be tormented by a worthless ho' who cares about no one else except herself. I have no choice now. I just have to bite the bullet and accept the fact that I will see her time and time again.

Update - Saturday October 2

Bad news. The sinister kahuna has definitely been working overtime to bring me to my knees. Lori has definitely found a new job. She is working downtown again as my sister-in-law has seen her on a regular basis. Thus, I was not imagining things. I did see Lori downtown. She hasn't been riding the express bus because Mercedes Boy has been picking her up every morning after all. That's the word from da 'hood. I actually surmise that he is giving her a ride home in the morning and waiting for her to get ready before taking her to town. So, my worst nightmare has come true. Lori will continue to live in Hawai'i Kai, just a stone's throw away form moms' place. She must ride home from work with Mercedes Boy so I've been spared the humiliation of seeing her on the evening express bus. That has also spared me of any chance encounters with her at the gym.

Well, Lori has bucked the odds once again. I surmise that she is making even more dough than she did before. She refuses to work for anything less. She has an extremely rich provider in the form of Mercedes Boy. She is apparently in love. I, on the other hand, have not risen from the ashes. I am plagued by my ever-increasing poverty. I will soon be destitute beyond comprehension. I continue to work for peanuts and have nothing to show for it. Worst of all, I continue to live in shame as the "momma's boy" who just couldn't make it.

Final - Thursday October 14

I am sure that there could be more stupid things to add to the private journal as the time goes on. However, the time has come for me to put it to rest. I saw Lori on the express bus this afternoon. She sat in the back where I usually sit. We said hello to each other but that was it through the 40-minute ride home. At her stop, she asked me if I wanted to go for a hike up Koko Crater although there was only about 30 minutes of sunlight left.

I met Lori at the park. We walked up to the old Job Corps site to begin the hike. Our conversation was a little robotic. I was mostly to blame because I was suspicious about her motives. We only made it up halfway which was the intention. Our conversation eventually progresed beyond the robotic stage. I provided terse answers to Lori's question. Lori, of course, responded in the usual rehearsed fashion about her own life. It doesn't matter anymore.

Lori is working again as an account executive. She's on full commission basis. She apparently travels to two of the neighbor islands every week. She still contends that she's dating two guys, Balding Bill and Kirk. She says she's home every night and sleeps in her own bed. It's a tiring speech. However, I'm going to accept it at face value.

Before we parted company, we stood at the corner where we would take different streets home. We talked for another 45 minutes, everything from gardening to our journey to Hawai'i together. She's enjoying her freedom. She doesn't want to get married even though both of her suitors are vying for her hand. I discussed briefly what I thought had happened to us, why we were never meant to be together. She disagreed but deep down inside I think she knew.

"I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you in the last few months," she told me with tears in her eyes.

"This is the first time you've said that since one year ago when all the trouble began," I said. "Now, I can go in peace."

Although I do not believe much else of what Lori tells me, I will believe this. This is the end of the line for the private journal. I had a tinge of passion for her at one brief moment during the conversation, even though she has put on a some weight. However, for the most part, I didn't feel as though I was being pulled into the vortex. I know that I have to let this go completely. Perhaps the healing process is in place.
"I think I'll go down to Loco Moco for dinner. Shrimp Curry sounds real good," she said. "I haven't been down there in a long time."

"You take care," I said, not bothering to ask to go along.

Have a good life with Mercedes Boy, Lori. That's all the time I have for you in this lifetime.

To be continued ... hopefully in another lifetime!



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