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Banality98

This is my day. It has always been my day because who is a greater fool than I? I received a slam letter from Starbuck's today. I won't be drinking any more Starbuck's coffee. For being a coffee place, it does a great job of producing burnt-flavored coffee consistently at every location I've been to. Well, hey! Consistency is the key to success! Unfortunately, the Barnes & Noble Café is a Starbuck's operation. Baby and I met at Kahala Mall last night and ended up in there. I tried to elude myself into believing that it was not a Starbuck's. My only real consolation is that the stand-alone Starbuck's stores are owned by a so-called licensee, the only arrangement of its kind in the nation. I believe that Starbuck's management decided to use this intermediary to break into the Hawai'ian market because of the non-traditional business practices that exist here. So, I won't be patronizing any of the licensee's establishments. Why should I?

The weather for the last three weeks has been somewhat miserable. For some reason, the wind has been blowing rather gustily. I surmise that it's an El Niño thing. El Niño is the scapegoat for the year. Everything is being blamed on El Niño. I should blame it for my sorry state of affairs, eh? There is something about gusty winds that is extremely agitating. Convalescent City was an extremely windy place. The rolling hills served as a funnel for cold air to convect into the valley in the morning, and was an outflow in the afternoon as temperatures in the valley subsided. I don't know why the wind is annoying except that I believe that it is eroding the face of stone. Look what happened to those Easter Island stoneheads. Sheesh!

LoserNet is, as usual, in a state of flux. I have been making minor changes here and there but I have been thwarted by my crazy editor. I have been using Netscape Composer, although it seems to have a mind of its own. I may switch to the FrontPage editor that comes with that dreaded Internet Explorer. It appears to allow more deviations from its perception of what a Web page should be. As it is, I have to spend a considerable amount of time with Super NoteTab, an enhanced text editor, to format the pages properly. I know what you're thinking ... what exactly do I need to format? After all, there is very little artistic rendering in these pages. Well, now you see why I will never work in the computer field again. My skills resemble that a novice hobbyist. I design pages that were out of style three years ago. Hence, I am three years behind. In technological time, that's close to a decade. Oh well. I still use a 14.4kbps modem, and I get a little tired when I wait for useless graphics to load. So, I design pages for losers just like me.

The collapse of the economic system in Hawai'i seems imminent. There is always something depressing in the news everyday. The latest is that Liberty House, our local department store chain, is filling for reorganization. Last year, over 10,000 jobs were eliminated because of the sluggish economy. The current prediction? It's going to get worse. Of course, the first jobs to be eliminated are the peon jobs ... the kind of jobs I'm looking for right now. People in Hawai'i remain complacent amidst this crisis. Everyone is just sitting in their favorite chair just as I do, most likely in a coma just like me. If I'm not sitting in my chair, I'm piddling away on my computer. I install and uninstall programs. Then, I run CleanSweep and RegClean to clean up my mess.

What's the latest with the Web design tools here at LoserNet? I have opted to stay with the Netscape Composer and Super NoteTab combination for now. That brings me to offer some advice to all the cheapskate business people who want to build a Web presence for $100 or less. Just buy FrontPage or PageMill and have the built-in wizards do it all. There's even database connectivity built right in, so Net commerce is just a matter of invoking another wizard. What about Java and JavaScript? Forget it! I turn those options off in my browser. ActiveX? Forget it! It only works with that dreaded Internet Explorer. Why so much disdain? Because the Web was not supposed to be this virtual version of Sanford & Son. Frankly, I don't think that anybody gets it. This is similar to the problem here in Hawai'i. The powers-that-be have their own conception of what they think people who visit Hawai'i want. Yep, tourists want to pay top dollar to see mediocre attractions and they love an overdeveloped Paradise. By the same token, Web visitors love a site riddled with banner ads, search engines, and great graphics. After all, you're on the Web to buy, buy, buy! Spend, spend, spend! You don't want any information, just a product specification sheet. By the way, there's a wizard to make those, too.

Maybe I'm just losin' it more than usual. I tampered with the Windows Registry again and ended up disabling part of CleanSweep. So, I uninstalled it. I only have a handful of programs left on my computer so I won't need to buy any additional memory. Who needs it? Maybe it's time for me to load up Wolfenstein Nightmare. What a classic!

Moms invited baby and her daughter over for dinner last night. Baby's daughter returned from Oregon yesterday afternoon. Moms had invited baby over for dinner several times while baby's daughter was on vacation. I am sure that moms realizes that it is not too exciting to cook just for one person. As you may recall, I opted to eat cold cans of Bush's baked beans when I was on my own. Tonight, we walked to Koko Marina to watch the remake of Lost in Space at the small theater there. I can't say that it was a good movie. It certainly cannot compare with Star Trek. All in all, though, it was a change of pace from our usual activities, or lack thereof.

I installed Microsoft Music Producer on my computer. It is a fairly interesting and amusing application. It generates music in Midi format for use with Web pages. The user can set a few parameters and then the application will actually compose a customized selection. I guess I will have to revise my opinions of Microsoft. Music Producer and Image Composer were both free on a CD I received from Microsoft. You know, I'm no longer going to side with either Netscape or Microsoft in the browser wars. I'll use anything that is freeware and just be thankful that those items even exist. I'm going to get off the anti-Microsoft bandwagon. If I get tired of Bill's empire, then I will silently switch to Linux.

I have begun the tedious task of reviewing all of the LoserNet files again. I am also proofing the material for the third or fourth time. In doing so, I also have had the chance to read most of the previous entries again. I can't say that I'm a great writer. Actually, I appear to be somewhat inarticulate at certain points. However, it's a great story, isn't it? There were good times and bad times ... mostly bad, though. I was a little spiritually uplifted as I read about the old days. As bad as I thought things were back then, they do not hold a candle to what is happening now. I have become fatigued, and I have been displaying symptoms of chronic anhedonia. I wake up feeling fine, but there is a certain point during the day that something happens. It is as if I step off the edge of a bluff and fall into a deep, dark pit. It happens so suddenly. To say that I was "in a funk" (as Steph would say) would be a major understatement. Reading the journal has helped me to stabilize these despondent feelings through laughter. I'm not a comical guy, but there were some truly comical situations back in the old days.

Baby and I ended up at Barnes & Noble tonight. Baby's daughter was spending the night at a neighbor's house, so we could stay out later than usual. I perused both the Visual C++ and Visual Basic (VB) books. I want to choose one of the languages and begin studying it. The dilemma, of course, is what language would be the most logical choice. Judging from the number of books available for Visual Basic, I would venture to guess that VB is proper choice. Yet, I am more inclined to choose the other. Why? Because I always make the wrong choice. And so, ladies and gentlemen, I will probably be learning all I can about Visual C++ only to see it replaced by VB before the next version.

I spent most of the day in an anhedonic coma. Sometime around 11 o' clock, I fell into the abyss. I am becoming worried because this is happening with increased frequency, and I am not able to revive myself for a long period of time. Fortunately, moms cooked a nice dinner in the kamado and she invited baby and her daughter over. It wasn't until after I went through a boring dissertation on Duke Nukem and Wolfenstein Nightmare that I finally snapped out of the anhedonic stupor I was in. I can't help but believe that the computer is also partially, if not fully, responsible for my demise. The VB/C++ dilemma has been boggling my mind. I have also been tempted to spend more money on my computer like buying a new PC Card modem and adding more memory. I live for the computer. All I do is think about the computer all day. Now, I want to concentrate my efforts on a development language. I only spend money on crap for the computer. Everything is going to hell in a handbasket, but my computer is the only thing that is protected. For what? I can't even get a computer-related job.

I probably went into anhedonic shock when I realized that I will have only one choice soon ... I will have to apply for welfare. It will be a humiliating experience. However, if I cannot help myself, I will have to ask for help. I have no idea but I am probably suffering from some kind of mental disorder. My years of drinking cheap booze probably destroyed more than half of my brain cells. Stress has probably permanently altered the remaining half. I am probably merely days away from becoming like the guy just down the street. He spends his days flying a kite outside in the driveway of his parents' house.

I have once again begun the laborious task of redesigning the LoserNet site. I'm not much of a graphic designer as one can readily see. However, I have neglected this site for much too long. The purpose of the project is two-fold, although I didn't see its second purpose initially. In effect, the real purpose of the project is that it has given me a sense of purpose. LoserNet has always been more content-oriented (although many would argue otherwise). In the next week or so, there will be a minimal of content added because most of our resources will be devoted to revamping the site. What is there to write about when one is on the computer all day?

I received a copy of the alumni magazine from time to time. It's usually not very interesting, and most of the material is really a thinly veiled solicitation for donations. I usually read the section that provides updates on all alumni who take the time to submit information. Naturally, these are usually people who are gainfully employed and are moving ahead in their careers. I never see anyone I know. That goes to show you that like attracts like, eh? However, in this particular issue, I happened to see a familiar name. It was the name of the "stalking victim," Barbie Doll Heather. Remember her? She is now the marketing director for some firm in Woodland Hills. Wouldn't she have a smug sense of justice if she knew that the ol' lavahead has one foot in the cesspool of dereliction? Perhaps I really was Evil Eunuch back then. My sense of reality may have been clouded by psychosis.

I spent about 10 hours total on the LoserNet project. I continued on into the night. Moms invited baby and her daughter over for dinner. After dinner, I walked them home and spent a little time visiting. That was my only diversion. I want to complete the bulk of the project before the end of the week. Why, I do not know. I also want to make a final decision on the programming language dilemma because I want to get started on some coding. None of this makes me competitive in the job market. Frankly, I'm tired of having to worry about whether I am wasting my time on non-marketable skills. The ends don't always justify the means. A healthy paycheck should not be my incentive to attempt a crash course in Visual Basic. The motivation should be the desire to learn and it should stem from genuine interest.

I have to reassess the situation concerning the computer nerd thing, though. I have become an extremely unilateral person (for lack of a better term). Some may call it focus. I call it pathetic. The computer has become the centerpiece for my existence. It is my whole life. My only outlet is the gym, and I do the bare minimum workout. As I sat on one of the machines the other day, I could not help but hear the overpowering beat of the music from the aerobics room. For a fleeting moment, I felt a tinge of excitement. I wanted to take an aerobics class. It brought back memories of the old days at the gym in Convalescent City. They were the best of times. They were the worst of times.

I have been extremely preoccupied with the revamping of the existing LoserNet site such that I have been derelict in my day-to-day functions as CEO of LoserNet. However, I can preface any plausible excuse with some kind of rationale. In poring over the voluminous material, I have finally begun to see what kind of putz I have degenerated into during the last few years. Actually, why stop there? I have been a putz all my life. The truth of the whole matter is that I can't hack it out in the real world. My insecurities (a passé buzzword) have gotten the best of me. The whole cynical, insecure package needs to be thrown out the door. I need to wipe the slate clean.

Baby's daughter and I met up with baby at Kahala Mall late this afternoon. We did a little shopping, ate dinner at Burger King and ended up at Barnes & Noble. I continued to peruse the various programming books to see which language is the one of choice. My indecision on this matter is somewhat pathetic but not surprising given my current self-revelation that I am a true putz. I am now leaning more toward Java, most likely because it may be easier to learn than the other languages.

A babe in France plowed into a group of cyclists with her car and took one of them out just because her Tamagochi was crying for attention. She did manage to save the stupid electronic pet. Is she the "missing link" that anthropologists have been searching for all these years? Actually, judging from these chronicles, I could be the "missing link" because it is obvious that my brain has not fully developed. And, I have an oversized cranium that more closely resembles that of a troglodyte than a human.

Baby and I drove to K-Mart this evening to do some shopping. I encountered another "missing link" at the gas station. As I waited in line behind two cars that were at the pumps, I saw another car enter the wrong way. The first driver in the queue finished filling in gas and departed. The "missing link" decided to pull in and box the second car in. I could have engaged in senseless violence. Instead, I opted to chastise the brain donor using voice projection. K-Mart was extremely crowded, so we completed our shopping and got outta there.

I ended up going to Computer City today. Instead of buying something useful with what little money I have, I bought a Java book and the shareware CD of Duke Nukem. This is only further evidence of my declining mental state. I installed Visual J++ on my beloved computer because of my new commitment to Java. Of course, that meant I had to uninstall Music Producer. To show you what kind of nut I am, I remove any program I deem useless because I am obsessed with using as little hard drive space as possible. So, far I have managed to keep everything under 245Mb. Amazing, isn't it? I have installed and uninstalled a number of applications, sometimes the same application, over and over again. I'm surprised that the computer hasn't crashed. It seems that the more I abuse it, the better it works. Sheesh! I happened to discover that the Visual J++ version of Java is now outdated. The book I bought yesterday covers Java JDK 1.1 and has deprecated the prior version. Thwarted at every turn, denied at every instance.

I tried to install Duke Nukem. Everything worked except for the keyboard or the mouse. Once again, I was thwarted. Don't get me wrong. My real purpose is research oriented. That's right. I am attempting to study the long-term effects of virtual violence on an unstable mind. That reminds me of the major study that the Del Rio Research Center undertook ... the long-term effects of drug and alcohol abuse. The study obviously went awry.

I read that Garry Shandling has called it quits with The Larry Saunders Show. I have never seen a single episode of that program, but I have been a fan of him since his days as a stand-up comic. I can especially relate to him since he was actually going to become an electrical engineer. Somehow he decided to take a chance in show business and the rest is history. His self-deprecating style and his loser jokes are what got me hooked. Of course, in reading these chronicles, it becomes easy to see why. Naturally, everyone loves a good loser. I think that I was a good loser at one time. Being a good loser is really the art of good sportsmanship ... the ability to accept defeat. I'm not a good loser anymore. I have become a cynical putz and my attitude has become sour. Therefore, the humor that once livened these pages has all but disappeared. Why has it come to this? A man at the end of his rope is someone who most likely would be poor company at a cocktail party. My perception of my surroundings has been my reality. That perception has been warped by anxiety and tension. I want to be more like Garry Shandling the comedian. I want to tell the funny story of my pathetic life and make you laugh. Most important, I want to make the face of stone crack a smile. Really, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to turn this boat around before it hits an iceberg.

I walked over to baby's place this morning to partake of good coffee brewed in her French Press. We made a quick trip to Kahala Mall. Baby needed to find Taro leaves and salted butterfish to make Lau Lau this evening. She was fortunate to find both at Star Market. Baby spent the rest of the afternoon making the Lau Lau. She brought the finished product over to moms' place for dinner. Delicious! I spent the rest of the evening working on the LoserNet projects. I am still way behind with e-mail. I am having an equally difficult time in coming up with banal material for the journal. Alas, maybe I'm burned out like Garry Shandling. Maybe it's time to throw in the towel.

My cell phone decided to go out to lunch. By process of elimination I have deduced that the battery has gone into early retirement. I have no choice but to buy a new battery since I previously learned that I cannot discontinue the service without forfeiting all the dough I paid in advance. I should have watched those episodes of Gilligan's Island more closely when the professor made a battery out of sea water and coconuts, or something like that. I have plenty of both around here. My question is ... why didn't the professor have more of a starring role in the series?

I finally managed to return to the painting project after taking a two-week hiatus to lament at the Wailing Wall. By the end of the week I should only have the kitchen and the former "warehouse" left. I also continued with the LoserNet project. Once again, I have become caught up in the past. And, I noticed the same nauseating trend that repeats itself to this day. In fact, now I really am seriously considering designing a JavaScript routine or a Java applet that creates the daily entries ad infinitum. The anecdotes, the jokes ... they are all the same. The best part is that I won't even need to archive the material anymore.

I was up extremely late last night, so today I was in a pure vegetative state. I sat in my favorite chair most of the day and lapsed in and out of a coma. This appears to be what I do best in life. If I could ramble off a few off-the-wall predictions, I could become a soothsayer. Or, maybe it's mea culpa time for the ol' lavahead. I should come forward with a confession and apology for the wrong-doing of others. Well, hey! Everyone else is doing it! It cleanses the soul and, more importantly, it brings forth unwarranted sympathy.

When I wasn't in a coma, I was thinking about the computer nerd field. Things have really changed, haven't they? The computer industry is becoming so much like the entertainment industry and politics. There are celebrity nerds now and these nerd have their own groupies. The whole thing has become a media sideshow with its "not ready for prime time" Web-TV theme. The Gates One was vacationing in Hawai'i last week, which made big news. Are we so desperate for icons that we have now sought out computer nerds to worship? Soon, we'll relegate ourselves to the worship of inanimate objects such as a Rival toaster oven.

I had an appointment with one of the recruiters at the employment agency that I'm registered with. Since I am becoming more desperate, I have requested that I also be considered for any kind of job that comes up. As far as technical jobs are concerned, the recruiter said that the market in Hawai'i is ripe for network engineers. The punchline is that everyone is placing a heavy emphasis on the Microsoft certification (MCSE). I don't want to go off on a tirade about Bill (the Gates One) because it's not his fault that everyone asks, "How high?" when he commands, "Jump!"

I stopped in the GTE Wireless office to see how much a new battery for my cell phone would cost. The guy working there offered to test my battery first. The test takes a day, so I will have to return tomorrow to find out the results. I was given another battery on loan. I met baby during her lunch hour. While we were eating our plate lunches, my cell phone rang. It was the employment agency. The recruiter wanted to know if I had any steel-toed boots. I didn't, so I missed out on a two-week stint to shovel manure into bags. Actually, the boots would have cost me at least one week of pay. Maybe I should buy a pair of steel-toed boots. Obviously, the manure packing job is what I best qualify for. And, in case anybody gives me crap, I'll be able to kick 'em in the groin most effectively.

The battery for my cell phone was definitely dead. The new battery cost $23 and I can't say that I was pleased to fork out the dough. I had to return the battery that was loaned to me and the new battery was not charged so my cell phone was essentially useless. As it turned out, baby was trying to call me. Her daughter had taken ill at school. Since she was not able to contact me, baby had to go and pick up her daughter. I found out all of this the hard way when I stopped in at baby's office.

I have not received any more call from the employment agency. Looks like there are no more assignments that I qualify for (i.e., jobs that require steel-toed boots). I am a little more resigned to my lot in life. I am very willing to accept a minimum wage position that requires little, if any, thinking. I don't know why I felt that I deserved more. I have no relevant experience. LoserNet is the only experience I have in the area of Web design. I have been a no-good, shiftless bum for at least two decades. Why did I think that I could step into the mainstream of society?

I did nothing important today. I managed to continue some work on this useless LoserNet site, and I studied more about Java. I have decided to stay with Visual J++ even though it incorporates Version 1.0 of Java. I figure that it will be easier to learn. Once I get the concepts down, then I can move into Version 1.1 (although this is apparently out of date now). Does it really matter? A guy who wears steel-toed boots to work is never going to have to concern himself with what version of Java is the most current. My only programming experience with Java will be somehow related to LoserNet. Maybe I'll design a Java Chicken Choker.

Baby and I went to see City of Angels tonight. I enjoyed the movie even though the theme of an angel falling from grace to be with a babe was some kind of debauchery. The soundtrack was reminiscent of Hearts of Space (a program on public radio). I oftentimes wonder why the recurring theme in the entertainment medium is always romance. If there is no romance, then the theme is morbid and violent. I assume that the bottom line is that, without a babe, one is doomed to go psycho. Speaking of which, did you happen to read about the results of a company that does Internet tracking (similar to the Nielsen ratings for the tube)? Yep, a large percentage of upper-level managers are accessing hurdy-gurdy sites during work hours. The market is ripe for the Java Chicken Choker.

Baby and her daughter went to the beach today, so they were gone for most of the day. I decided to do a little more painting since my days as a philosopher and soothsayer are coming to an end. After dinner, we spent the evening at Barnes & Noble in Kahala Mall. I continued to read more Java material although my interest in Java is waning. What I need to do is focus on another area of computers ... computer games ... but not as a designer. I need to become a serious gamer. That means I need to take Duke Nukem more seriously, if I ever get it running. I cannot get the program to recognize my keyboard or mouse. I have no idea what is wrong. The only thing I can think of is some kind of device contention. I may have to tweak the interrupts and disable the sound card. I wonder if Frogger knows what's wrong. Well, hey! Frogger is a computer genius!

Alas, maybe I should just concentrate my efforts on the Java Chicken Choker. How could I implement this beast? Should I put a timer in it to measure the elapsed choking time? For losers like Frogger, the timer will need a resolution in milliseconds. Sheesh! You know, I only put crap like this in the journal just in case any potential employers are reading this. Yeah, that's right. I want to them all to know the truth about the strange personality they will not be hiring. Maybe they might even read about themselves. Oooooooh. Maybe they will send me threatening e-mail. Bad ol' puddy tat! And, if you are an upper-level manager, shouldn't you be at www.pulldapud.com?

Ah, Sunday, day of rest! I know that I certainly need it, what with all the thinking I have been doing lately. Well, hey! I'm a soothsayer! Do you think that I should get into comedy writing? That reminds me, there is some kind of contest where one can suggest an ending to Seinfeld. I say make the ending the beginning of The Keeper of Lost Lives. That's right. Seinfeld should segue into The Keeper. Ha! That's a real laugh. The Keeper can barely entertain his two sole readers, one being himself.

I have been carrying a can of Raid roach spray to baby's place whenever I go there. Part of my nightly duties is to go on a roach hunt. Tonight, I brought the can with me but the roach hunt yielded no roaches. Upon returning home, however, I entered the kitchen only to be surprised to see several roaches feasting on assorted food specks on the floor. I pulled the plastic cover off of the can of Raid and began spraying everything in sight. I managed to take out five roaches and one ant. I made my quota tonight.

I have made the unsettling decision to resign from the CEO post at LoserNet. The ol' lavahead's mental stability is rapidly degenerating, and LoserNet has faded into greater obscurity under his stewardship. In a true loser's world, that would be a milestone accomplishment. Of course, the ol' lavahead will remain the loser poster boy for the LoserNet opening page. Who better to symbolically represent a sinking ship than the anchor himself?

I attended the CompUSA job fair today. It was held at the State Employment office. The pre-screening was being handled by the State employees. I filled in an application and waited in line. At noon, there still three of us left in line. All but one of the State duffers went to lunch. When it came to be my turn, the loser was in such a hurry to finish up that he decided that I needed to take my application home, redo it, and bring it in bright and early tomorrow. I was infuriated. It took me over an hour to get there by bus and the idiot was only worried about his late lunch break. That pretty much ended my day.

You know, everything in Hawai'i is taxed. It's called the General Excise Tax. The tax is going to go up. The State Employee's Association has been one of the loudest proponents of the tax increase. Can you guess why? These duffers are concerned that that they will lose their jobs. No job, no lunch break. I should have just reached across the table and decked the fool. Then, I could begin a whole new career as a criminal. I can blame the "system" for my demise. Speaking of prisons, our governor has been trying to sell the idea of a new prison on the Big Island because it will provide more jobs. This is a great line of reasoning. Why not just convert all the hotels into prisons? This idea may do better than the tourist industry.

I returned to scene of the crime, as it were. I went back to the State Employment office. I managed to make it through the pre-screening and into the first round of interviews. The CompUSA people could hardly contain their laughter when they perused my résumé. They decided to feign an interview just to humor me, I suppose. It doesn't take a genius to deduce when one is going into the second string. The most appealing candidates were being granted second and third interviews. I was told that I will be notified in three weeks. We all know what that means, don't we? The most disturbing thing I learned today is that the Microsoft MCSE certification is being placed above college degrees as the determination of suitability for employment. This tends to infer that the MCSE phenomenon has swept the mainland. I find it interesting that software firms such as Microsoft have gone into the teaching and accreditation field. What is surprising is that this cram course is given much more credibility than a college education. What a damned joke! All that to discover that I am out of the computer field by default. It's just that simple, ladies and gentlemen. The punchline is that I don't have an MCSE and I'm not going to spend a dime to make the Gates One a trillionaire. As for the ol' lavahead, he'll probably be committed to an asylum. There will be a bib permanently affixed below his chin to catch the dribble as he babbles away some incomprehensible chant. Why do people watch stupid shows like Seinfeld? The real comedy is real life. Sheesh! Actually, if I could answer that question, then I would also know why the MCSE is so important.

We're in the home stretch toward the end of the month. And, like a good loser, I've remained faithfully unemployed. I don't feel much crummier than usual, which may be a bad sign. I would have thought that I'd have felt a few aftershocks from the falling out this week. I suspect that I am far deeper in the abyss than I originally assessed. We may be talking about dysthymia instead of depression. I may be beyond just being "in a funk" (as Steph would say). Where am I heading? Crash and burn?

I turned the answering machine off for a few minutes this afternoon because I had to page someone at CompUSA, and I was waiting for the callback. The phone rang. I answered it and was surprised to be greeted by a phone solicitor. I should have exploded but I didn't. I was cordial but assertive. I was able to terminate the conversation within two minutes. Actually, I am getting sick of these calls. That's why I told moms to let the answering machine do its job. Phone solicitors do not leave messages. What really irks me is that these phone solicitors obtain numbers by purchasing lists. Every time you fill in a form or even an entry blank for a contest and write in a phone number, that number will eventually get sold. Thus, moms pays for an unlisted phone number for no apparent reason. Moms' privacy has been breached.

Today was an extremely quiet day for the ol' lavahead. I thought about taking a bus ride around the island, but I just didn't feel up to it. However, I was very anxious. Perhaps this was because of the call from the CompUSA people yesterday. I am supposed to make a presentation on Tuesday as part of the selection process for the Software Trainer position I applied for. The presentation would be simple enough ... a short topic related to Windows 95. I decided that I would talk about TweakUI. I had the whole presentation worked out in my head. In fact, I wouldn't even need any notes. A strange thing happened later in the day. I became terrified at the prospect of looking like a fool and being humiliated when I delivered a disjointed version of my original presentation. I could see and feel the consequences of my ineptness. Whether it was déjà vü or not, I do not know. All I could feel was myself panicking within. I felt like fleeing. Sadly, I couldn't really regain any sense of composure after that. What has happened to me? Why have I turned into a quivering blob of jelly?

My sister-in-law apparently called moms today because her son has a case of Chicken Pox. The Ninja Turds wanted moms to spend a few days at their place to take care of their son. Moms spent the afternoon packing up her things. She also packed her bread and peanut butter. I suspected that moms would live off of peanut butter sandwiches for the next few days. Either that, or she will end up doing the cooking. She may even end up doing the cleaning. Why else would moms have to stay there? Couldn't the Turds just drop off Little Turd in the morning? Of course, the latter is a metaphysical question when presented to brain donors.

I felt so lonely when moms left. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe the whole week's worth of crap has finally hit home. I was also agitated. Several scenarios flashed through my head. In one, I saw poor mom sleeping on the tiny couch in the Turd's living room. I could see her awakening in the middle of the night and being spooked by those awful family portraits of the Turds that once hung on the walls of moms' house. Even now, they give me the willies!

As to be expected, I called and canceled my presentation. I felt instant relief until I realized that I would continue to live my life as a bum. What the heck ... I am a bum! Moms called around noon. She slept on the couch in the living room last night. Otherwise, she seemed to be doing fine. I was relieved. My bro and sister-in-law have been treating moms fine. They even cooked for moms! Can you believe it? I expected the worst and everything turned out fine. Of course, moms has not left the apartment at all, being basically confined to a one-bedroom apartment on the fourth floor somewhere in Kaimuki. She will be there until Friday night.

I guess that I have really grown cynical. I had jumped to conclusions and assumed that the whole situation would be a fiasco. This is pretty much my world view. I handled my relationship with baby in the same way. Look where it got me. I need to lighten up, and I need to face the facts. I am a putz in the true sense of the word. It's easy to see why I have no friends here. I trust no one because I believe that everyone has, in some sense, betrayed me. I have made an obtuse reference sometime before to Humphrey Bogart's character in Caine Mutiny. That is who I have become.

I spent 13 hours today working on the house. I actually finished all the repairs in the kitchen and painted it. All I have left to do is the former "warehouse." Then, I will have to complete the outside of the house that my bro never got around to finishing. At least I felt like I accomplished something for once. Sheesh! I had to shut the power off at one point to remove the exhaust fan hood from above the range. When I turned the power back on, there was still no electricity in the kitchen. I had to run an extension cord into the warehouse to power the refrigerator. To use the microwave, I had to wheel its cart into the living room. I played with the circuit breakers several times. Nothing. What was really odd was that the refrigerator, microwave and garbage disposal were all on separate circuits. I figured that the circuit breakers were old and I screwed them up when I turned them on and off to find which one powered the exhaust fan. I was ready to lose it (see yesterday's entry to get an idea of my mental processes). I decided to wait until later to figure something out. At 9pm, I went back out to fiddle with the circuit breakers. Nothing. Then, I took a real close look at the circuit breakers. The tandem breakers (the ones I was fiddling with) were above the single breakers. I had assumed that the "on" position was the same as the single breakers. What a maroon! Perhaps I was just too fatigued, or maybe I have really lost my mind.

The end of the month is finally upon us. I have done everything possible to insure that my life falls apart at the seams. Yes, I have come to the realization that I am choreographing my own demise. It is the dark side of my personality ... Evil Eunuch. You remember him, don't you? I don't know why I enjoy the feeling of despair so much. That has got to be it. Otherwise, why would I be where I am? Perhaps I do need to seek some professional help and maybe get a few choice anti-psychotics. Yeah, that's the ticket!

I have also decided not to buy a new modem or more memory for my computer. I don't need a new modem because I only have five hours of Net access per month. I don't need more memory because it's useless. Let me tell you why. Everyone thinks that more memory will solve a lot of computer problems. It does make a few applications run faster since it doesn't have to rely on large swap files. However, more memory won't make your programs stop crashing. That's right. Programs crash because of so-called memory leaks. These leaks are really just the program's inability to return all the memory resources it used back to the operating system. Having more memory will only buy you a little more time before the inevitable. I have a lot of time to think about these things.

Finally, let's catch up with viewer mail now, shall we? I may actually get to the replies by Year 2000. Let's not hold our breath. Many thanks to all the regulars, and also to Sarah (tailzie@nettaxi.com) and Dwala (dwala@dwala.com) for writing in. Thanks to Jim (JDenny@lnc.com) who pointed out that Porsche is coming out with a $175 toaster. Frankly, I think Porsche would be better off if it came out with a decent steam iron. What do I know? And, thanks to Karl (kandersn@gis.com) who wrote, "We both know that when you're in the abyss, it is impossible to envision life on the outside. So you just have to trust others. Even anonymous others 5,000 miles away."

The Keeper is on his own once again. Perhaps, that is what was meant to be. How does the old fool keep on babbling? If you care to listen, though, you can sashay over to next month. By the way, Lou is the one of the ol' lavahead's many other monikers.

The Keeper of Lost Lives: Banality⁹⁸

© Copyright 1998 by The Keeper of Lost Lives
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