This is my day. It has always been my day
because who is a greater fool than I? I received a slam letter from Starbuck's
today. I won't be drinking any more Starbuck's coffee. For being a coffee
place, it does a great job of producing burnt-flavored coffee consistently
at every location I've been to. Well, hey! Consistency is the key to success!
Unfortunately, the Barnes & Noble Café is a Starbuck's operation.
Baby and I met at Kahala Mall last night and ended up in there. I tried
to elude myself into believing that it was not a Starbuck's. My only real
consolation is that the stand-alone Starbuck's stores are owned by a so-called
licensee, the only arrangement of its kind in the nation. I believe that
Starbuck's management decided to use this intermediary to break into the
Hawai'ian market because of the non-traditional business practices that
exist here. So, I won't be patronizing any of the licensee's establishments.
Why should I?
weather for the last three weeks has been somewhat miserable. For some
reason, the wind has been blowing rather gustily. I surmise that it's an
El Niño thing. El Niño is the scapegoat for the year. Everything
is being blamed on El Niño. I should blame it for my sorry state
of affairs, eh? There is something about gusty winds that is extremely
agitating. Convalescent City was an extremely windy place. The rolling
hills served as a funnel for cold air to convect into the valley in the
morning, and was an outflow in the afternoon as temperatures in the valley
subsided. I don't know why the wind is annoying except that I believe that
it is eroding the face of stone. Look what happened to those Easter Island
LoserNet is, as usual, in a state of flux. I have
been making minor changes here and there but I have been thwarted by my
crazy editor. I have been using Netscape Composer, although it seems to
have a mind of its own. I may switch to the FrontPage editor that comes
with that dreaded Internet Explorer. It appears to allow more deviations
from its perception of what a Web page should be. As it is, I have to spend
a considerable amount of time with Super NoteTab, an enhanced text editor,
to format the pages properly. I know what you're thinking ... what exactly
do I need to format? After all, there is very little artistic rendering
in these pages. Well, now you see why I will never work in the computer
field again. My skills resemble that a novice hobbyist. I design pages
that were out of style three years ago. Hence, I am three years behind.
In technological time, that's close to a decade. Oh well. I still use a
14.4kbps modem, and I get a little tired when I wait for useless graphics
to load. So, I design pages for losers just like me.
Thursday April 2
The collapse of the economic system in Hawai'i
seems imminent. There is always something depressing in the news everyday.
The latest is that Liberty House, our local department store chain, is
filling for reorganization. Last year, over 10,000 jobs were eliminated
because of the sluggish economy. The current prediction? It's going to
get worse. Of course, the first jobs to be eliminated are the peon jobs
... the kind of jobs I'm looking for right now. People in Hawai'i remain
complacent amidst this crisis. Everyone is just sitting in their favorite
chair just as I do, most likely in a coma just like me. If I'm not sitting
in my chair, I'm piddling away on my computer. I install and uninstall
programs. Then, I run CleanSweep and RegClean to clean up my mess.
in Web Space
What's the latest with the Web design tools here
at LoserNet? I have opted to stay with the Netscape Composer and Super
NoteTab combination for now. That brings me to offer some advice to all
the cheapskate business people who want to build a Web presence for $100
or less. Just buy FrontPage or PageMill and have the built-in wizards do
it all. There's even database connectivity built right in, so Net commerce
Forget it! I turn those options off in my browser. ActiveX? Forget it!
It only works with that dreaded Internet Explorer. Why so much disdain?
Because the Web was not supposed to be this virtual version of Sanford
& Son. Frankly, I don't think that anybody gets it. This is similar
to the problem here in Hawai'i. The powers-that-be have their own conception
of what they think people who visit Hawai'i want. Yep, tourists want to
pay top dollar to see mediocre attractions and they love an overdeveloped
Paradise. By the same token, Web visitors love a site riddled with banner
ads, search engines, and great graphics. After all, you're on the Web to
buy, buy, buy! Spend, spend, spend! You don't want any information, just
a product specification sheet. By the way, there's a wizard to make those,
Maybe I'm just losin' it more than usual. I tampered
with the Windows Registry again and ended up disabling part of CleanSweep.
So, I uninstalled it. I only have a handful of programs left on my computer
so I won't need to buy any additional memory. Who needs it? Maybe it's
time for me to load up Wolfenstein Nightmare. What a classic!
Friday April 3
Moms invited baby and her daughter over for dinner
last night. Baby's daughter returned from Oregon yesterday afternoon. Moms
had invited baby over for dinner several times while baby's daughter was
on vacation. I am sure that moms realizes that it is not too exciting to
cook just for one person. As you may recall, I opted to eat cold cans of
Bush's baked beans when I was on my own. Tonight, we walked to Koko Marina
to watch the remake of Lost in Space at the small theater there.
I can't say that it was a good movie. It certainly cannot compare with
Star Trek. All in all, though, it was a change of pace from our
usual activities, or lack thereof.
I installed Microsoft Music Producer on my computer.
It is a fairly interesting and amusing application. It generates music
in Midi format for use with Web pages. The user can set a few parameters
and then the application will actually compose a customized selection.
I guess I will have to revise my opinions of Microsoft. Music Producer
and Image Composer were both free on a CD I received from Microsoft. You
know, I'm no longer going to side with either Netscape or Microsoft in
the browser wars. I'll use anything that is freeware and just be thankful
that those items even exist. I'm going to get off the anti-Microsoft bandwagon.
If I get tired of Bill's empire, then I will silently switch to Linux.
Saturday April 4
I have begun the tedious task of reviewing all
of the LoserNet files again. I am also proofing the material for the third
or fourth time. In doing so, I also have had the chance to read most of
the previous entries again. I can't say that I'm a great writer. Actually,
I appear to be somewhat inarticulate at certain points. However, it's a
great story, isn't it? There were good times and bad times ... mostly bad,
though. I was a little spiritually uplifted as I read about the old days.
As bad as I thought things were back then, they do not hold a candle to
what is happening now. I have become fatigued, and I have been displaying
symptoms of chronic anhedonia. I wake up feeling fine, but there is a certain
point during the day that something happens. It is as if I step off the
edge of a bluff and fall into a deep, dark pit. It happens so suddenly.
To say that I was "in a funk" (as Steph would say) would be a major understatement.
Reading the journal has helped me to stabilize these despondent feelings
through laughter. I'm not a comical guy, but there were some truly comical
situations back in the old days.
Baby and I ended up at Barnes & Noble tonight.
Baby's daughter was spending the night at a neighbor's house, so we could
stay out later than usual. I perused both the Visual C++ and Visual Basic
(VB) books. I want to choose one of the languages and begin studying it.
The dilemma, of course, is what language would be the most logical choice.
Judging from the number of books available for Visual Basic, I would venture
to guess that VB is proper choice. Yet, I am more inclined to choose the
other. Why? Because I always make the wrong choice. And so, ladies and
gentlemen, I will probably be learning all I can about Visual C++ only
to see it replaced by VB before the next version.
Sunday April 5
I spent most of the day in an anhedonic coma.
Sometime around 11 o' clock, I fell into the abyss. I am becoming worried
because this is happening with increased frequency, and I am not able to
revive myself for a long period of time. Fortunately, moms cooked a nice
dinner in the kamado and she invited baby and her daughter over.
It wasn't until after I went through a boring dissertation on Duke Nukem
and Wolfenstein Nightmare that I finally snapped out of the anhedonic
stupor I was in. I can't help but believe that the computer is also partially,
if not fully, responsible for my demise. The VB/C++ dilemma has been boggling
my mind. I have also been tempted to spend more money on my computer like
buying a new PC Card modem and adding more memory. I live for the computer.
All I do is think about the computer all day. Now, I want to concentrate
my efforts on a development language. I only spend money on crap for the
computer. Everything is going to hell in a handbasket, but my computer
is the only thing that is protected. For what? I can't even get a computer-related
of the Blue
I probably went into anhedonic shock when I realized
that I will have only one choice soon ... I will have to apply for welfare.
It will be a humiliating experience. However, if I cannot help myself,
I will have to ask for help. I have no idea but I am probably suffering
from some kind of mental disorder. My years of drinking cheap booze probably
destroyed more than half of my brain cells. Stress has probably permanently
altered the remaining half. I am probably merely days away from becoming
like the guy just down the street. He spends his days flying a kite outside
in the driveway of his parents' house.
Monday April 6
I have once again begun the laborious task of
redesigning the LoserNet site. I'm not much of a graphic designer as one
can readily see. However, I have neglected this site for much too long.
The purpose of the project is two-fold, although I didn't see its second
purpose initially. In effect, the real purpose of the project is that it
has given me a sense of purpose. LoserNet has always been more content-oriented
(although many would argue otherwise). In the next week or so, there will
be a minimal of content added because most of our resources will be devoted
to revamping the site. What is there to write about when one is on the
computer all day?
I received a copy of the alumni magazine from time
to time. It's usually not very interesting, and most of the material is
really a thinly veiled solicitation for donations. I usually read the section
that provides updates on all alumni who take the time to submit information.
Naturally, these are usually people who are gainfully employed and are
moving ahead in their careers. I never see anyone I know. That goes to
show you that like attracts like, eh? However, in this particular issue,
I happened to see a familiar name. It was the name of the "stalking victim,"
Barbie Doll Heather. Remember her? She is now the marketing director for
some firm in Woodland Hills. Wouldn't she have a smug sense of justice
if she knew that the ol' lavahead has one foot in the cesspool of dereliction?
Perhaps I really was Evil Eunuch back then. My sense of reality may have
been clouded by psychosis.
Tuesday April 7
I spent about 10 hours total on the LoserNet project.
I continued on into the night. Moms invited baby and her daughter over
for dinner. After dinner, I walked them home and spent a little time visiting.
That was my only diversion. I want to complete the bulk of the project
before the end of the week. Why, I do not know. I also want to make a final
decision on the programming language dilemma because I want to get started
on some coding. None of this makes me competitive in the job market. Frankly,
I'm tired of having to worry about whether I am wasting my time on non-marketable
skills. The ends don't always justify the means. A healthy paycheck should
not be my incentive to attempt a crash course in Visual Basic. The motivation
should be the desire to learn and it should stem from genuine interest.
I have to reassess the situation concerning the
computer nerd thing, though. I have become an extremely unilateral person
(for lack of a better term). Some may call it focus. I call it pathetic.
The computer has become the centerpiece for my existence. It is my whole
life. My only outlet is the gym, and I do the bare minimum workout. As
I sat on one of the machines the other day, I could not help but hear the
overpowering beat of the music from the aerobics room. For a fleeting moment,
I felt a tinge of excitement. I wanted to take an aerobics class. It brought
back memories of the old days at the gym in Convalescent City. They were
the best of times. They were the worst of times.
I have been extremely preoccupied with the revamping
of the existing LoserNet site such that I have been derelict in my day-to-day
functions as CEO of LoserNet. However, I can preface any plausible excuse
with some kind of rationale. In poring over the voluminous material, I
have finally begun to see what kind of putz I have degenerated into during
the last few years. Actually, why stop there? I have been a putz all my
life. The truth of the whole matter is that I can't hack it out in the
real world. My insecurities (a passé buzzword) have gotten
the best of me. The whole cynical, insecure package needs to be thrown
out the door. I need to wipe the slate clean.
Baby's daughter and I met up with baby at Kahala
Mall late this afternoon. We did a little shopping, ate dinner at Burger
King and ended up at Barnes & Noble. I continued to peruse the various
programming books to see which language is the one of choice. My indecision
on this matter is somewhat pathetic but not surprising given my current
self-revelation that I am a true putz. I am now leaning more toward Java,
most likely because it may be easier to learn than the other languages.
Thursday April 9
A babe in France plowed into a group of cyclists
with her car and took one of them out just because her Tamagochi was
crying for attention. She did manage to save the stupid electronic pet. Is she
the "missing link" that anthropologists have been searching for all these
years? Actually, judging from these chronicles, I could be the "missing
link" because it is obvious that my brain has not fully developed. And,
I have an oversized cranium that more closely resembles that of a troglodyte
than a human.
Baby and I drove to K-Mart this evening to do some
shopping. I encountered another "missing link" at the gas station. As I waited
in line behind two cars that were at the pumps, I saw another car enter
the wrong way. The first driver in the queue finished filling in gas and
departed. The "missing link" decided to pull in and box the second car in.
I could have engaged in senseless violence. Instead, I opted to chastise
the brain donor using voice projection. K-Mart was extremely crowded, so
we completed our shopping and got outta there.
Friday April 10
I ended up going to Computer City today. Instead
of buying something useful with what little money I have, I bought a Java
book and the shareware CD of Duke Nukem. This is only further evidence
of my declining mental state. I installed Visual J++ on my beloved computer
because of my new commitment to Java. Of course, that meant I had to uninstall
Music Producer. To show you what kind of nut I am, I remove any program
I deem useless because I am obsessed with using as little hard drive space
as possible. So, far I have managed to keep everything under 245Mb. Amazing,
isn't it? I have installed and uninstalled a number of applications, sometimes
the same application, over and over again. I'm surprised that the computer
hasn't crashed. It seems that the more I abuse it, the better it works.
Sheesh! I happened to discover that the Visual J++ version of Java is now
outdated. The book I bought yesterday covers Java JDK 1.1 and has deprecated
the prior version. Thwarted at every turn, denied at every instance.
I tried to install Duke Nukem. Everything
worked except for the keyboard or the mouse. Once again, I was thwarted.
Don't get me wrong. My real purpose is research oriented. That's right.
I am attempting to study the long-term effects of virtual violence on an
unstable mind. That reminds me of the major study that the Del Rio Research
Center undertook ... the long-term effects of drug and alcohol abuse. The
study obviously went awry.
Saturday April 11
I read that Garry Shandling has called it quits
with The Larry Saunders Show. I have never seen a single episode
of that program, but I have been a fan of him since his days as a stand-up
comic. I can especially relate to him since he was actually going to become
an electrical engineer. Somehow he decided to take a chance in show business
and the rest is history. His self-deprecating style and his loser jokes
are what got me hooked. Of course, in reading these chronicles, it becomes
easy to see why. Naturally, everyone loves a good loser. I think that I
was a good loser at one time. Being a good loser is really the art of good
sportsmanship ... the ability to accept defeat. I'm not a good loser anymore.
I have become a cynical putz and my attitude has become sour. Therefore,
the humor that once livened these pages has all but disappeared. Why has
it come to this? A man at the end of his rope is someone who most likely
would be poor company at a cocktail party. My perception of my surroundings
has been my reality. That perception has been warped by anxiety and tension.
I want to be more like Garry Shandling the comedian. I want to tell the
funny story of my pathetic life and make you laugh. Most important, I want
to make the face of stone crack a smile. Really, ladies and gentlemen,
it's time to turn this boat around before it hits an iceberg.
Lau for Loser
Sunday April 12
I walked over to baby's place this morning to
partake of good coffee brewed in her French Press. We made a quick trip
to Kahala Mall. Baby needed to find Taro leaves and salted butterfish to
make Lau Lau this evening. She was fortunate to find both at Star Market.
Baby spent the rest of the afternoon making the Lau Lau. She brought the
finished product over to moms' place for dinner. Delicious! I spent the
rest of the evening working on the LoserNet projects. I am still way behind
with e-mail. I am having an equally difficult time in coming up with banal
material for the journal. Alas, maybe I'm burned out like Garry Shandling.
Maybe it's time to throw in the towel.
Monday April 13
My cell phone decided to go out to lunch. By process
of elimination I have deduced that the battery has gone into early retirement.
I have no choice but to buy a new battery since I previously learned that
I cannot discontinue the service without forfeiting all the dough I paid
in advance. I should have watched those episodes of Gilligan's Island
more closely when the professor made a battery out of sea water and coconuts,
or something like that. I have plenty of both around here. My question
is ... why didn't the professor have more of a starring role in the series?
I finally managed to return to the painting project
after taking a two-week hiatus to lament at the Wailing Wall. By the end
of the week I should only have the kitchen and the former "warehouse" left.
I also continued with the LoserNet project. Once again, I have become caught
up in the past. And, I noticed the same nauseating trend that repeats itself
to this day. In fact, now I really am seriously considering designing a
infinitum. The anecdotes, the jokes ... they are all the same. The
best part is that I won't even need to archive the material anymore.
Tuesday April 14
I was up extremely late last night, so today I
was in a pure vegetative state. I sat in my favorite chair most of the
day and lapsed in and out of a coma. This appears to be what I do best
in life. If I could ramble off a few off-the-wall predictions, I could
become a soothsayer. Or, maybe it's mea culpa time for the ol'
lavahead. I should come forward with a confession and apology for the wrong-doing
of others. Well, hey! Everyone else is doing it! It cleanses the soul and,
more importantly, it brings forth unwarranted sympathy.
When I wasn't in a coma, I was thinking about the
computer nerd field. Things have really changed, haven't they? The computer
industry is becoming so much like the entertainment industry and politics.
There are celebrity nerds now and these nerd have their own groupies. The
whole thing has become a media sideshow with its "not ready for prime time"
Web-TV theme. The Gates One was vacationing in Hawai'i last week, which
made big news. Are we so desperate for icons that we have now sought out
computer nerds to worship? Soon, we'll relegate ourselves to the worship
of inanimate objects such as a Rival toaster oven.
I had an appointment with one of the recruiters
at the employment agency that I'm registered with. Since I am becoming more
desperate, I have requested that I also be considered for any kind of job
that comes up. As far as technical jobs are concerned, the recruiter said
that the market in Hawai'i is ripe for network engineers. The punchline
is that everyone is placing a heavy emphasis on the Microsoft certification
(MCSE). I don't want to go off on a tirade about Bill (the Gates One) because
it's not his fault that everyone asks, "How high?" when he commands, "Jump!"
I stopped in the GTE Wireless office to see how much a new battery for
my cell phone would cost. The guy working there offered to test my battery
first. The test takes a day, so I will have to return tomorrow to find
out the results. I was given another battery on loan. I met baby during
her lunch hour. While we were eating our plate lunches, my cell phone rang.
It was the employment agency. The recruiter wanted to know if I had any
steel-toed boots. I didn't, so I missed out on a two-week stint to shovel
manure into bags. Actually, the boots would have cost me at least one week
of pay. Maybe I should buy a pair of steel-toed boots. Obviously, the manure
packing job is what I best qualify for. And, in case anybody gives me crap,
I'll be able to kick 'em in the groin most effectively.
Thursday April 16
The battery for my cell phone was definitely dead.
The new battery cost $23 and I can't say that I was pleased to fork out
the dough. I had to return the battery that was loaned to me and the new
battery was not charged so my cell phone was essentially useless. As it
turned out, baby was trying to call me. Her daughter had taken ill at school.
Since she was not able to contact me, baby had to go and pick up her daughter.
I found out all of this the hard way when I stopped in at baby's office.
I have not received any more call from the employment
agency. Looks like there are no more assignments that I qualify for (i.e.,
jobs that require steel-toed boots). I am a little more resigned to my
lot in life. I am very willing to accept a minimum wage position that requires
little, if any, thinking. I don't know why I felt that I deserved more.
I have no relevant experience. LoserNet is the only experience I have in
the area of Web design. I have been a no-good, shiftless bum for at least
two decades. Why did I think that I could step into the mainstream of society?
Friday April 17
I did nothing important today. I managed to continue
some work on this useless LoserNet site, and I studied more about Java.
I have decided to stay with Visual J++ even though it incorporates Version
1.0 of Java. I figure that it will be easier to learn. Once I get the concepts
down, then I can move into Version 1.1 (although this is apparently out
of date now). Does it really matter? A guy who wears steel-toed boots to
work is never going to have to concern himself with what version of Java
is the most current. My only programming experience with Java will be somehow
related to LoserNet. Maybe I'll design a Java Chicken Choker.
Time for Frogger
Baby and I went to see City of Angels tonight.
I enjoyed the movie even though the theme of an angel falling from grace
to be with a babe was some kind of debauchery. The soundtrack was reminiscent
of Hearts of Space (a program on public radio). I oftentimes wonder
why the recurring theme in the entertainment medium is always romance.
If there is no romance, then the theme is morbid and violent. I assume
that the bottom line is that, without a babe, one is doomed to go psycho.
Speaking of which, did you happen to read about the results of a company
that does Internet tracking (similar to the Nielsen ratings for the tube)?
Yep, a large percentage of upper-level managers are accessing hurdy-gurdy
sites during work hours. The market is ripe for the Java Chicken Choker.
Saturday April 18
Baby and her daughter went to the beach today,
so they were gone for most of the day. I decided to do a little more painting
since my days as a philosopher and soothsayer are coming to an end. After
dinner, we spent the evening at Barnes & Noble in Kahala Mall. I continued
to read more Java material although my interest in Java is waning. What
I need to do is focus on another area of computers ... computer games ...
but not as a designer. I need to become a serious gamer. That means I need
to take Duke Nukem more seriously, if I ever get it running. I cannot
get the program to recognize my keyboard or mouse. I have no idea what
is wrong. The only thing I can think of is some kind of device contention.
I may have to tweak the interrupts and disable the sound card. I wonder
if Frogger knows what's wrong. Well, hey! Frogger is a computer genius!
Alas, maybe I should just concentrate my efforts
on the Java Chicken Choker. How could I implement this beast? Should I
put a timer in it to measure the elapsed choking time? For losers like
Frogger, the timer will need a resolution in milliseconds. Sheesh! You
know, I only put crap like this in the journal just in case any potential
employers are reading this. Yeah, that's right. I want to them all to know
the truth about the strange personality they will not be hiring. Maybe
they might even read about themselves. Oooooooh. Maybe they will send me
threatening e-mail. Bad ol' puddy tat! And, if you are an upper-level manager,
shouldn't you be at www.pulldapud.com?
Sunday April 19
Ah, Sunday, day of rest! I know that I certainly
need it, what with all the thinking I have been doing lately. Well, hey!
I'm a soothsayer! Do you think that I should get into comedy writing? That
reminds me, there is some kind of contest where one can suggest an ending
to Seinfeld. I say make the ending the beginning of The Keeper of
Lost Lives. That's right. Seinfeld should segue into The Keeper.
Ha! That's a real laugh. The Keeper can barely entertain his two sole readers,
one being himself.
I have been carrying a can of Raid roach spray
to baby's place whenever I go there. Part of my nightly duties is to go
on a roach hunt. Tonight, I brought the can with me but the roach hunt
yielded no roaches. Upon returning home, however, I entered the kitchen
only to be surprised to see several roaches feasting on assorted food specks
on the floor. I pulled the plastic cover off of the can of Raid and began
spraying everything in sight. I managed to take out five roaches and one
ant. I made my quota tonight.
Monday April 20
I have made the unsettling decision to resign
from the CEO post at LoserNet. The ol' lavahead's mental stability is rapidly
degenerating, and LoserNet has faded into greater obscurity under his stewardship.
In a true loser's world, that would be a milestone accomplishment. Of course,
the ol' lavahead will remain the loser poster boy for the LoserNet opening
page. Who better to symbolically represent a sinking ship than the anchor
Tuesday April 21
I attended the CompUSA job fair today. It was
held at the State Employment office. The pre-screening was being handled
by the State employees. I filled in an application and waited in line.
At noon, there still three of us left in line. All but one of the State
duffers went to lunch. When it came to be my turn, the loser was in such
a hurry to finish up that he decided that I needed to take my application
home, redo it, and bring it in bright and early tomorrow. I was infuriated.
It took me over an hour to get there by bus and the idiot was only worried
about his late lunch break. That pretty much ended my day.
You know, everything in Hawai'i is taxed. It's
called the General Excise Tax. The tax is going to go up. The State Employee's
Association has been one of the loudest proponents of the tax increase.
Can you guess why? These duffers are concerned that that they will lose
their jobs. No job, no lunch break. I should have just reached across the
table and decked the fool. Then, I could begin a whole new career as a
criminal. I can blame the "system" for my demise. Speaking of prisons,
our governor has been trying to sell the idea of a new prison on the Big
Island because it will provide more jobs. This is a great line of reasoning.
Why not just convert all the hotels into prisons? This idea may do better
than the tourist industry.
Friday April 24
I returned to scene of the crime, as it were.
I went back to the State Employment office. I managed to make it through
the pre-screening and into the first round of interviews. The CompUSA people
could hardly contain their laughter when they perused my résumé.
They decided to feign an interview just to humor me, I suppose. It doesn't
take a genius to deduce when one is going into the second string. The most
appealing candidates were being granted second and third interviews. I
was told that I will be notified in three weeks. We all know what that
means, don't we? The most disturbing thing I learned today is that the
Microsoft MCSE certification is being placed above college degrees as the
determination of suitability for employment. This tends to infer that the
MCSE phenomenon has swept the mainland. I find it interesting that software
firms such as Microsoft have gone into the teaching and accreditation field.
What is surprising is that this cram course is given much more credibility
than a college education. What a damned joke! All that to discover
that I am out of the computer field by default. It's just that simple,
ladies and gentlemen. The punchline is that I don't have an MCSE and I'm
not going to spend a dime to make the Gates One a trillionaire.
As for the ol' lavahead, he'll probably be committed to an asylum. There
will be a bib permanently affixed below his chin to catch the dribble as
he babbles away some incomprehensible chant. Why do people watch stupid
shows like Seinfeld? The real comedy is real life. Sheesh! Actually,
if I could answer that question, then I would also know why the MCSE is
Saturday April 25
We're in the home stretch toward the end of the
month. And, like a good loser, I've remained faithfully unemployed. I don't
feel much crummier than usual, which may be a bad sign. I would have thought
that I'd have felt a few aftershocks from the falling out this week. I
suspect that I am far deeper in the abyss than I originally assessed. We
may be talking about dysthymia instead of depression. I may be beyond just
being "in a funk" (as Steph would say). Where am I heading? Crash and burn?
Blob of Jelly
I turned the answering machine off for a few minutes
this afternoon because I had to page someone at CompUSA, and I was waiting
for the callback. The phone rang. I answered it and was surprised to be
greeted by a phone solicitor. I should have exploded but I didn't. I was
cordial but assertive. I was able to terminate the conversation within
two minutes. Actually, I am getting sick of these calls. That's why I told
moms to let the answering machine do its job. Phone solicitors do not leave
messages. What really irks me is that these phone solicitors obtain numbers
by purchasing lists. Every time you fill in a form or even an entry blank
for a contest and write in a phone number, that number will eventually
get sold. Thus, moms pays for an unlisted phone number for no apparent
reason. Moms' privacy has been breached.
Sunday April 26
Today was an extremely quiet day for the ol' lavahead.
I thought about taking a bus ride around the island, but I just didn't
feel up to it. However, I was very anxious. Perhaps this was because of
the call from the CompUSA people yesterday. I am supposed to make a presentation
on Tuesday as part of the selection process for the Software Trainer position
I applied for. The presentation would be simple enough ... a short topic
related to Windows 95. I decided that I would talk about TweakUI. I had
the whole presentation worked out in my head. In fact, I wouldn't even
need any notes. A strange thing happened later in the day. I became terrified
at the prospect of looking like a fool and being humiliated when I delivered
a disjointed version of my original presentation. I could see and feel
the consequences of my ineptness. Whether it was déjà vü
or not, I do not know. All I could feel was myself panicking within. I
felt like fleeing. Sadly, I couldn't really regain any sense of composure
after that. What has happened to me? Why have I turned into a quivering
blob of jelly?
Monday April 27
My sister-in-law apparently called moms today
because her son has a case of Chicken Pox. The Ninja Turds wanted moms
to spend a few days at their place to take care of their son. Moms spent
the afternoon packing up her things. She also packed her bread and peanut
butter. I suspected that moms would live off of peanut butter sandwiches
for the next few days. Either that, or she will end up doing the cooking.
She may even end up doing the cleaning. Why else would moms have to stay
there? Couldn't the Turds just drop off Little Turd in the morning? Of
course, the latter is a metaphysical question when presented to brain donors.
I felt so lonely when moms left. It hit me like
a ton of bricks. Maybe the whole week's worth of crap has finally hit home.
I was also agitated. Several scenarios flashed through my head. In one,
I saw poor mom sleeping on the tiny couch in the Turd's living room. I
could see her awakening in the middle of the night and being spooked by
those awful family portraits of the Turds that once hung on the walls of
moms' house. Even now, they give me the willies!
Tuesday April 28
As to be expected, I called and canceled my presentation.
I felt instant relief until I realized that I would continue to live my
life as a bum. What the heck ... I am a bum! Moms called around noon. She
slept on the couch in the living room last night. Otherwise, she seemed
to be doing fine. I was relieved. My bro and sister-in-law have been treating
moms fine. They even cooked for moms! Can you believe it? I expected the
worst and everything turned out fine. Of course, moms has not left the
apartment at all, being basically confined to a one-bedroom apartment on
the fourth floor somewhere in Kaimuki. She will be there until Friday night.
I guess that I have really grown cynical. I had
jumped to conclusions and assumed that the whole situation would be a fiasco.
This is pretty much my world view. I handled my relationship with baby
in the same way. Look where it got me. I need to lighten up, and I need
to face the facts. I am a putz in the true sense of the word. It's easy
to see why I have no friends here. I trust no one because I believe that
everyone has, in some sense, betrayed me. I have made an obtuse reference
sometime before to Humphrey Bogart's character in Caine Mutiny.
That is who I have become.
I spent 13 hours today working on the house. I
actually finished all the repairs in the kitchen and painted it. All I
have left to do is the former "warehouse." Then, I will have to complete
the outside of the house that my bro never got around to finishing. At
least I felt like I accomplished something for once. Sheesh! I had to shut
the power off at one point to remove the exhaust fan hood from above the
range. When I turned the power back on, there was still no electricity
in the kitchen. I had to run an extension cord into the warehouse to power
the refrigerator. To use the microwave, I had to wheel its cart into the
living room. I played with the circuit breakers several times. Nothing.
What was really odd was that the refrigerator, microwave and garbage disposal
were all on separate circuits. I figured that the circuit breakers were
old and I screwed them up when I turned them on and off to find which one
powered the exhaust fan. I was ready to lose it (see yesterday's entry to get
an idea of my mental processes). I decided to wait until later to figure
something out. At 9pm, I went back out to fiddle with the circuit breakers.
Nothing. Then, I took a real close look at the circuit breakers. The tandem
breakers (the ones I was fiddling with) were above the single breakers.
I had assumed that the "on" position was the same as the single breakers.
What a maroon! Perhaps I was just too fatigued, or maybe I have really
lost my mind.
Boy, Go Home!
Thursday April 30
The end of the month is finally upon us. I have
done everything possible to insure that my life falls apart at the seams.
Yes, I have come to the realization that I am choreographing my own demise.
It is the dark side of my personality ... Evil Eunuch. You remember him,
don't you? I don't know why I enjoy the feeling of despair so much. That
has got to be it. Otherwise, why would I be where I am? Perhaps I do need
to seek some professional help and maybe get a few choice anti-psychotics.
Yeah, that's the ticket!
It With Lou
I have also decided not to buy a new modem or more
memory for my computer. I don't need a new modem because I only have five
hours of Net access per month. I don't need more memory because it's useless.
Let me tell you why. Everyone thinks that more memory will solve a lot
of computer problems. It does make a few applications run faster since
it doesn't have to rely on large swap files. However, more memory won't
make your programs stop crashing. That's right. Programs crash because
of so-called memory leaks. These leaks are really just the program's inability
to return all the memory resources it used back to the operating system. Having
more memory will only buy you a little more time before the inevitable.
I have a lot of time to think about these things.
Finally, let's catch up with viewer mail now, shall
we? I may actually get to the replies by Year 2000. Let's not hold our
breath. Many thanks to all the regulars, and also to Sarah (firstname.lastname@example.org)
and Dwala (email@example.com) for writing in. Thanks to Jim (JDenny@lnc.com)
who pointed out that Porsche is coming out with a $175 toaster. Frankly,
I think Porsche would be better off if it came out with a decent steam
iron. What do I know? And, thanks to Karl (firstname.lastname@example.org) who
wrote, "We both know that when you're in the abyss, it is impossible to
envision life on the outside. So you just have to trust others. Even anonymous
others 5,000 miles away."
Let us continue with
this charade now, shall we?
The Keeper is on his own once again. Perhaps,
that is what was meant to be. How does the old fool keep on babbling? If
you care to listen, though, you can sashay over to next
month. By the way, Lou is the one of the ol' lavahead's many other
The Keeper of Lost Lives: Banality98
© Copyright 1998 by The Keeper of Lost Lives
LoserNettm Love It, or Lose It.