Dreams of Better Pastures

I can't remember when I dreamed last, either in a conscious or unconscious state. Maybe I'm just not capable of dreaming anymore. In the past year, my values have gone askew and my life goals have all but disappeared. What has happened to the ol' lavahead? I don't dream, I presume, because I have no faith or hope that anything will change. I am stuck on a rock (this island) and in a rut (my life). Yet, the lives we lead are pretty much a function of the mind. The rest is pretty much an existential perception of reality. It's all still a function of the mind. Even dreams are a function of the mind, my friends. What state is the mind in when it can no longer dream? Alas, the mind is the City of Dreams and a landscape of memories. I have destroyed that city. However, the City of Dreams can be rebuilt. Maybe with a little planning it could look something like Convalescent City. Does it matter? It's the City of Dreams. It can be anything we want it to be.

Lori and I had yet another falling out last night. Once again, the ring was removed. Once again, it was put back on. I was the perpetrator again. I don't know why. I suppose that the main reason is that I hate myself and everything associated with the ol' lavahead. The time of reckoning has left me in an anhedonic state. I am numb. I value my relationship with Lori but I don't know how to express myself. Sometimes I don't feel anything and she doesn't understand why. I know now that I went through quite a depressing episode. My pea-sized brain just hasn't recovered from it yet. I think that the mind has a way of permanently altering itself. The mind creates mood by generating certain chemicals. Thus, the mind can soak the brain in assorted chemicals and alter cell structures much in the same way that mind-altering drugs facilitate the same process. That's why depression is so hard to fight. That's also why medication is used to combat depression. Our world is an artificially created environment of stress, which can keep the brain simmering in bad chemicals for a long time. Eventually, the simmering brain turns into mush, just like an overcooked piece of corned beef in a crock pot. I am banking on my recovery to occur once I am functioning in a new environment and when I feel some sense of worth. I can only hope that teaching the classes at the university will accomplish this task.

Lori doesn't really understand where I'm coming from. She may hate her job and her life like she often says, but she has something to do. She also has an income. Her main point of contention is that I hold my affection from her. She believes that I do that sadistically just to make her suffer. Sometimes I have to envy babes. They can find solace in love. It is their City of Dreams. Guys always have the need to cluster problems together and treat everything as part of one unilateral problem. We look for systematic and logical solutions that may or may not exist. Most times they do not exist because there is no such thing as one all-encompassing problem. That is also why babes seek creative outlets and guys always end up watching the tube with a brewski in hand. When we can't find that one solution, we want to drown out the problem completely. Depression is a very self-destructive mode. It destroys a person's life completely. It tears down the City of Dreams.

 I spent most of yesterday in town working on material for my classes. I met Lori after work since this was one of her short days and we took the bus home together. We were both behaving civilly. When I returned home, I had a message from the university that there was another class available. I called to confirm this and I now have three classes to teach starting next Wednesday. I was dumbfounded. There is quite a bit that I must get done between now and then. At least I won't be confined to the detestable resin chair.

Lori's doctor called yesterday evening. The results of the biopsy were inconclusive either due to an insufficient sample quantity or that the growth is really not a tumor. The doctor seems to believe that the former is the case rather than the latter. However, she wants to be absolutely sure before ordering the surgery. So, Lori must go through the ordeal of another biopsy in two weeks. The wait continues.

I have to thank the Creator for giving me a reprieve from all the nonsense that has been going on. I don't know who else to thank since my turnaround was nothing short of a miracle. Granted, I only have 13 weeks before I may find myself with nothing to do again. I feel a sense of relief for now. I have some semblance of purpose. I am still stressed out, athough it is a more constructive kind of stress. Rather than fret over whether I will make it out of the quagmire, I am now pressured by a tight schedule to prepare for the classes I will teach. I can deal with that kind of stress. In looking back, I realize that I have many others to thank including moms, Lori, and all my supportive virtual homeys. I will be forever grateful.

The ol' lavahead remains somewhat delirious these days due to lack of sleep. I don't know why but I still find myself waking up at two or three o' clock in the morning and having trouble getting back to sleep. I no longer experience the panic attacks but the lack of sleep is still unsettling. This has been a very long eight months. As I mentioned yesterday, I am under a new kind of stress. I have a very narrow time frame to prepare for my classes. I also am beginning to feel the pressure to perform. That will intensify before next Wednesday.

Nonetheless, my relief will only be temporary. As a part time faculty member, I am limited to teach only seven classes in a year. So, I will have only four open slots left after this session. I pretty much have about eleven weeks to get my life in order. In that time, I either need to find a job or secure additional teaching positions at other campuses. Otherwise, I'll find myself on extended vacation again. I could fool myself into believing that I'm on sabbatical but, let's face it, who would I be kidding? So, in effect, I'll continue to lead a transient lifestyle.

Lori's workplace seems to be in state of upheaval. One of her co-workers is thinking of resigning because of the fun and games with the mainland office. Apparently Lori isn't the only one having trouble with those losers. The office operates with a minimal staff as it is, so it will be difficult with one less person there. Lori still believes that she on her way out sometime soon, too. Her boss also seems to be a little stressed out. Whenever I see him, he appears to be slightly hammered. Lori believes that he's having a few cocktails during the day. I don't know about you, but I never want to find myself in that kind of environment.

Lori, her daughter, and I ended up at Barnes & Noble last night. This will be the last Wednesday night that I can spend at Barnes & Noble for the next three months. I don't spend much time reading computer nerd literature anymore. I seemed to have lost complete interest in them. I read an interesting article about Steve "The Woz" Wozniack in Wired magazine. The Woz is a fascinating guy. For all that he has had (and lost), he is a humble man. He now teaches computer classes to elementary school kids without pay. He has no desire to return to real world of computers. Woz is content to remain a simpleton even though he is a true computer genius. That's what I want to be ... a simpleton. Well, then again, maybe I'm already there.

My homey Robert (rbryant@mci2000.com) sent me a bottle of St. John's Wort (Hypericum perforatum) so I can now begin the Great Wort Experiment. The results will be published in the LoserNet KnowledgeBase and the excrutiating details will be chronicled here in the journal. The arrival of the Wort yesterday has generated more excitement here than we've seen in a long time. I immediately popped a Wort tablet in my mouth. A few hours later, I was not able to discern anything unsual. I just felt normal. No mania, no depression. The Wort could be doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing.

Moms invited Lori and her daughter over for dinner last night. After dinner, Lori and moms talked for quite a long time. I talked with Lori's daughter for about the same amount of time. I took this opportunity to attempt to discover for myself exactly what is going on. From all indications, Lori's daughter is very unhappy here. Her relationship with her mom appears to be degenerating at least from her point of view. And, her desire for autonomy (indicative of blossoming adolescence) is definitely making itself manifest.

I left early this morning because I had an interview at 7:30am. That's right. And, this was the late time slot. The owner of the company likes to schedule interviews between 5am and 8am. I took a Wort pill before I left. The interview went fine. I was offered a possibility for both full time or part time work. At this time, I can only accept part time work. However, the hours would be from 5pm to 10pm every night. I would have considered this option but the pay was not too good. All I can say is that it was on the par with the jobs requiring steel-toed boots. Why would anyone want to work as a Web programmer if shoveling manure makes the same wages?

Lori, her daughter, and the ol' lavahead had a full day today. We stopped in the Bose showroom to see a demonstration and pick up our free T-shirts as part of that promotion. Then, we went to Ala Moana Park. Lori made a picnic lunch for us. We spent most of the afternoon at the park. We left for Waikiki later in the afternoon to see a Cecilio & Kapono concert at the zoo. Cecilio & Kapono are a singing duo from the early seventies. They actually put Hawai'i on the map for a while before they parted company. The concert tonight was in celebration of their return. Although the concert was good, we were privy to be in the traffic lane for the heaviest alcohol consumers in the whole place. The festival-style seating was already chaotic to begin with. As most of these people became more intoxicated, they began stepping all over us and our things. No matter how much we tried to accommodate the fools, it just wasn't enough. Finally, we just packed up and left.

I had a talk with Lori about her daughter after we returned fairly late from the concert. Lori seems to think that her daughter is fabricating a lot of what she is saying. She also believes that her daughter's motives are nefarious. Her daughter's primary intention is to break up our engagement at any cost, she told me. I found this to be a peculiar statement. Lori believes that she has a great relationship with her daughter (when I am not around). On the other hand, her daughter told me that she wants to spend less time with her mother.

This is Day Three of the Great Wort Experiment. So, far I have not noticed much. I don't have any feelings of euphoria nor do I feel as though a great burden has been removed from my shoulders. I feel an extreme amount of stress because I will begin teaching my classes next week. Most of that stress is due to my perception of the unknown. However, I have not yet fallen into the abyss. I continue to have trouble sleeping. It is as if I cannot fall asleep. This could be a side effect of the Wort. I have not had any bouts of melancholia, which is good. However, all of this may be due to the better situation I am in. That could change soon.

My discussion with Lori remains an unsettling issue with me. She believes that her daughter's motivation is one of selfishness. Her daughter wants her mom to herself and not share her with anyone else. That is possible. Lori tends to use the word "selfish" in reference to others who show no consideration for her feelings. She called her daughter selfish in response to her daughter's claim that her mom was selfish for moving the both of them to Hawai'i. I am not exactly sure whether the Wort is clouding my perception or that maybe it is making me see things clearer. Maybe the Wort is not responsible for anything. All I know is that my time of reckoning may have served a different purpose, one that has eluded me until now. I wonder if my inner psyche was trying to tell me something. Maybe it was trying to warn me of something very perilous ahead. I can only watch and wait.

I constantly have to go back and correct errors in the journal. The most frequent errors are missing characters. My typing is pathetic but it is actually my computer that is causing the problems. The keyboard is crummy to begin with. However, it is the typing buffer that is the culprit. I have no way of tweaking the buffer. All I know is that letters are always missing from words in the text. On the average, I find that every third word I type has a missing letter. Great productivity tool, eh?

Lori spent the day at home yesterday, which was a surprise to me. She prepared some Lau Lau for dinner. Since it had to simmer for three hours, she and I went on a couple of short hikes. The hike out to the Makapu'u lighthouse was probably the most scenic. Lori's daughter stayed at home by herself. I was surprised that Lori allowed her to do that given last week's fiasco. Lori said that her daughter was being very quiet all day, kind of like she was pouting. She had no idea why. Perhaps her daughter was protesting about the amount of time I spent with Lori. Since today was a holiday, Lori and her daughter went to the beach. If Lori is correct about her assumptions, then her daughter is winning this pathetic game.

Even moms has expressed some concern about my upcoming marriage to Lori. She likes Lori but she thinks that Lori is too assertive. Moms fears that I will become like a slave to Lori. That is possible. Lori exercises a lot of control over our relationship. To her credit, she is self-sufficient.

I now recall that Lori's daughter had said to me, "If my mom had not met Randal and he didn't lend her the computer, then she would have never gotten on the Internet and she would not have met you." I should have remembered this earlier since the message is clear. Thus, if Lori's daughter is truly playing the ol' lavahead close, then she neither likes him or trusts him.

This is my last day before my debut at the university. I am very nervous because I just can't seem to believe that I am at all prepared. Rightly so because I am not prepared at all. The uncertainties are fueling a lot of anxiety. I have recurring thoughts of my return to the world of unemployment after this term is over. A few weeks ago, that would have sent me into a tizzy. And then, I would spiral downward into the abyss. I have reason to believe that the St. John's Wort is definitely preventing me from crashing and burning. However, I am beginning to sound a little more paranoid. Is that a side effect of the Wort?

I have become ineffectual. I only have myself to blame, I suppose. That is why I was beside myself to find something to do on Monday when Lori and her daughter spent the day at the beach. Lori is not dependent on the ol' lavahead. If she has something else better to do, she isn't going to wait for him. So, I can do what she wants or fend for myself. She says that she needs me, but we only see each other a couple of hours per day. That's why I need to get a life. I have to pull myself up by the bootstraps. I have to be able to support myself as well as fill my time with my own activities. Only now am I able to see that message clearly, probably because the Wort has kept me from falling into the abyss. Wort, don't fail me now!

I have not slept well in a long time. I usually wake up about 2am and then I try to go back to sleep, only to end up waking up again every hour after that. This morning, I probably had good reason since I was nervous about my teaching debut. I have never been comfortable speaking in front of large groups. I am not a good public speaker. That's what surprised me when I accepted this teaching position. Lori says that I am paralyzed by fear, so I never do anything. Yet, why would I have accepted the position if I base my decisions on fear? Perhaps it was my only option and I rationalized that I would learn vital new skills to make the pumicehead marketable.

Since I was already nervous, I decided to limit my morning coffee to two small cups. I did not want to add to my anxiety. I also took a Wort pill before I left. This is Day Seven of The Great Wort Experiment. I thought that I did everything possible to prepare for my classes, but I was wrong. My two morning classes were a total fiasco. I did not even have a curriculum planned and my ineptness was plainly obvious. A few of the students felt bad for me, but there were more who were disillusioned by my incompetence. My evening class was not quite a total fiasco, but it did not go very smoothly either. Now that I have discovered that teaching is not my call, I have little else in the way of options. All that's left for me is Burger King. I can't resign from the teaching position, so I must figure out how I can salvage the classes. What a predicament I'm in!

I felt so ashamed of my performance yesterday that I just wanted to spare everyone the agony and resign. After all, I am essentially a quitter. I also have strong feeling that inept individuals should not remain in positions where thay cannot perform adequately. I fall under that category. After downing a Wort pill, I took the bus to the downtown campus. I spent several hours uncovering key bits of information that I was never told. I revamped my syllabus in preparation for tomorrow. I must face the two classes that I left in a state of confusion on Wednesday.

I met Lori after work. We took the bus to K-Mart. No, I didn't buy another K-Mart all-in-one entertainment system. Lori bought a couple of pairs of swim fins. She and her daughter have become avid boogeyboarders. You may be wondering why I did not take that up myself. Sheesh! I'm not into any kind of sports. I'm just too wimpy. My only sport is to teeter on the edge of the abyss. Actually, I want to take up ocean kayaking. Heck, with my finances, I am just dreaming. Well, hey! It's the City of Dreams!

Lori will be going in for her second biopsy tomorrow. She seemed to be a little stressed out in the last couple of days. Can I blame her? She has to look forward to being in extreme pain for two days again. The results should be back by Tuesday as the samples have to be shipped to the mainland for analysis. I hope that the results will prove negative so that Lori can be spared any more pain and suffering.

What would I do without the Wort? I am convinced that it is the only thing keeping me from losin' it. It does nothing for insomnia or anxiety, however. And, it does not control anger. This is probably the case with all antidepressants. So, the Wort can only keep one from falling into the abyss. That's worth knowing because it can explain any erractic behavior while using such medication. I had another misunderstanding with Lori yesterday. Obviously, she was not as patient as she usually is because of her own stress over the biopsy. It all happened late in the afternoon, well beyond the time that I should have taken my second dose of Wort. In retrospect, I could feel myself losin' it. After I took the Wort, I felt better. On the way to the gym, I finally disclosed the details of the Great Wort Experiment to Lori. I had not told her anything prior. She observed a marked difference in my behavior.

As I mentioned, the Wort has no effect on curbing anger or anxiety. I observed that, even if I feel normal, I am prone to minor anxiety attacks or bouts of anger. I assume that the real problems still remain just below the surface. Until those issues are resolved, I can expect to display more erratic behavior. The Wort (or any other medication) is designed to to allow a depressed person to function somewhat normally for an extended period of time. During that time, it is that person's responsibility to address the problems that are at the root of the dysfunction. However, many of us tend to just be relieved to feel better. We forget that the problems are still there. Only after the medication starts wearing off do we realize that.

I regained control of my classes today. I took the advice of both Kevin (voyager@kctera.net) and Annie (e-mail withheld) and just pretended that I was a real university instructor and acted like nothing happened on Wednesday. That strategy seemed to work. What I should have realized is that the students are like sheep looking for the shepherd. If the shepherd does not know what's going on, then the sheep get a little nervous. I spent two hours teaching my classes and about four hours waiting for and riding the bus, if you can believe it. Sheesh! I might as well be a wage slave.

Lori went in for her second biospsy this morning. She was up and around when I stopped by later in the afternoon. Apparently she opted to not be given the local anesthesia. That was what made her somewhat immobile the last time. She was still in some pain. Lori's daughter had to baby-sit tonight, so Lori and I went to Kahala Mall to see The Negotiator. It was a pretty good movie as The Bull (EquityBull@aol.com) had even recommended it. Also, many thanks to Mister C (misterc@lava.net) for writing in. Mister C is still the only person in Hawai'i who reads LoserNet.

I talked with Caroll this morning. She mentioned that she may be visiting Hawai'i on vacation sometime before the year is out. I am really looking forward to that. Caroll seems to be doing better. She likes her job in carpet sales. Sometimes it seems hard to believe that she and I were in a graduate program in counseling together. Look how far our education has gotten us. Caroll still has several classes to complete. I have my thesis left. Unfortunately, we are both running out of time to complete our degrees. Although I already have an MBA, I would like to complete my other graduate degree program. I doubt that I can finish my thesis, so I may have to negotiate to take the comprehensive exams instead. Of course, that only means more stress for the face of stone.

This is Day Ten of the Great Wort Experiment. I am now absolutely certain that the Wort does indeed work. I take my first dose in the morning. I seem to function fine until about 4 o' clock in the afternoon. I suspect that the effects of the Wort have worn off by then. This is usually the time of day that Lori and I have some kind of misunderstanding. However, I cannot take full responsibility for all of our discords. Lori has a very confrontational style especially when she already has set an agenda. I have tried to call this to her attention but she does not seem to think that is possible. All I can do at this point is to stand down during any future confrontation and ignore everything else that is going on. We ended up at Kahala Mall tonight, our usual contingency when we have nothing else to do.

Lori and her daughter went boogeyboarding again today. I was left to my own devices. Sundays are now reserved just for Lori and her daughter. Fridays are now Lori's private days since I am gone most of the day. So, Saturdays are supposed to be exclusive time for Lori and I but it actually turns out be the three of us. Since Lori's daughter is very selective about what she wants to do, we all just end up doing nothing. Sometimes her friend will come by, so I end up doing yardwork.

I kept pondering a series of articles I read in the Utne Reader about obtaining and maintaining power. One of the articles contained a list of power rules. Some of the rules seemed nefarious. By the way, the Utne Reader is a great alternative magazine. I am tempted to spend the $5 for that particular issue just because of the article. I can see its application in every aspect of my life. Maybe the Wort is wreaking havoc with my sensibilities. I don't know. What I do know is that I have to get a life, as the old adage goes. I have to start developing my own network of friends and I need to seek new interests that keep me busy.

Sleep is still an alien concept to me. I am certain that there are a lot of unresolved issues lurking below the surface. I believe that I am beginning to identify those issues. The most unsettling is my dependence on Lori. Next on the list is my chronic unemployment. Finally, there is my general lack of a life. They are all interconnected in some way. That is why my situation is so overwhelming. I need to identify the areas of overlap and attack those segments separately. My greatest priority is to develop new interests and to meet new friends. That is why I went out to price some kayaks yesterday. Whatever interests and friends I seek out, I would also like to keep some of them separate from my time with Lori. That way, I will have an outlet, a safe haven as it were, from the relationship.

Yesterday, Lori said that her daughter was pretty upset when she found out that she may not being going to Oregon for the short one-week vacation in October. The argument centered on her daughter's alleged interpretation of the divorce decree. That took Lori by surprise I'm sure. Just the other day, Lori told me that her daughter loves living in Hawai'i. Lori's father was supposed to be visiting in October, coincidentally during her daughter's vacation. That fell through today. So, her daughter will be flying to NY during that time to visit both grandparents. Lori's ex-husband will also be in the area. So, everyone will be happy.

I am not at all sure what Lori wants anymore. She has been pushing the idea of the consultancy. She wants me to set it up. What's there to set up? All I need is a business license. She said that she will work at finding clients. She has talked to a few people but so far nothing has panned out. Last night, she showed me an ad in a magazine from a publisher soliciting new writers. All of these projects take a lot of time. I should have worked on them in the last eight months of idle time that I had. As far as I'm concerned, I'm still chronically unemployed. I'm trying to make ends meet on what people would only consider as supplemental income. I think that the lack of stability is getting to me. I seek comfort in the form of a steady paycheck that only wage slavery can offer. Lori expressed that she does not want to work full time anymore. Basically, her co-worker wants Lori to work full time so that she can have company at work. This is pushing the envelope of the office dynamics.

Everyday when I ride the bus to town and back, I am afforded a beautiful view of the southern coastline. I imagine myself out there in a kayak. I could launch it in Hawai'i Kai and probably paddle all the way to Waikiki. I'd like to get a small kayak, one that could also suffice as a surf rider. That would be a lot of fun. The full line of Ocean Kayak models are on sale until the end of the month. I need to make a decision soon. I might as well take the plunge. I could be on extended vacation again as early as December.

This is Day Fourteen of the Great Wort Experiment. At this point, I'm once again uncertain about the effectiveness of the Wort. However, I don't dare take myself off of it. So, in effect, I must believe that it is doing something. I haven't experienced any feelings of depression, although there are days like today that I feel really blasé. I guess the real clue is that I feel normal and I don't know why. I should be going into a tizzy about a variety of nonsense. Maybe it's time for me to go to the health food store and buy an ample supply of Wort. Sheesh!

I am gradually discovering that teaching is not my call in life. My classes are just not going that smoothly, and I sleep even less because I worry about my ineptness. I am almost longing to become a minimum wage slave again. Even the Wort can't help me through this. Alas, that was only the beginning of my problems today. I sensed that Lori has been on the edge all week. We had a misunderstanding again this afternoon. She returned the ring to me and ended our engagement. The circumstances that led up to the misunderstanding are suspect. I surmise that she knew exactly what was to transpire during the whole time. She was looking for a reason the end our relationship.

I know that Lori is under considerable stress now that she discovered she will be having surgery soon. She did not tell me whether the tumor was benign or not. She has always feared the surgery. She is not too happy about her job situation. And, there is the problem with her own family dynamics. Her daughter will be leaving for the mainland next month. So, she will be alone during that time. I hope that she fares well. Lori made it clear to me that we will not be reconciling. I have no choice but to honor her decision. I put the ring in an envelope and put it away. Since Lori does not want to see me or talk to me anymore, I'll probably send her a letter tomorrow.

I didn't sleep at all last night, so I know that there will be rough times ahead. I have to insure that I don't fall into the abyss at this point. So, if the Wort is worth a damned, it will keep me afloat. I realize that I have not been giving Lori much attention lately. She is fully justified in her actions. I have been too preoccupied with my classes. Sometimes I think I have regained control of them. At other times, I feel that I have lost total control. That aspect of teaching can be very scary.

I managed to run into Lori at the gym. She is open, albeit reservedly, to talking with me this Sunday. So, I will call her late Sunday afternoon. I'm not exactly sure what will come out of it. From what I can tell, her mind has already been made up. So, all I'm going to end up doing is attempting to make us part without any hatred for each other. I have to get used to be being on my own again. So, I went to the Waikiki Ho'olaule'a. It wasn't as exciting as the one downtown which we missed last week. It is just a big block party with free entertainment. Thousands of people spent the night milling about. If I had to make an assessment, I would say that there a lot of people without a life. Thousands of them.

I had been checking on special kama'aina deals for arline tickets, accommodations and rental car on the neighbor islands. My plan was for Lori and I to spend a weekend away from here during the time her daughter is away. I remembered that I was entertaining the idea of visiting Cali a few months a go. When I was talking with Caroll last week, I was reminded of that idea. I have been stagnating here and it has affected me perversely. I guess it's partly island fever. When Lori and I visited San Francisco, we had a good time. We were in a fresh environment and we did not have to worry about anything else except to enjoy our time together. Although expensive, these kinds of getaways are essential for personal rejuvenation. Right now, it's probably too little, too late. I mentioned my plan in passing to Lori but she really did not want to hear about it. I saw Lori at the gym again today. She made sure that I knew she didn't want to talk to me. Like a fool, I went over to talk to her briefly while she was on the Stairmaster. I just told her that I loved her and that I was sorry what happened. I told her the same thing yesterday. Once again, I know that it's too little, too late. She is still willing to meet with me tomorrow, though.

Another aspect of my chronic unemployment was my hermit-like existence here at moms' place. I had no social contact aside from Lori, so I was stagnating even further. I was losing my ability to communicate with others on a verbal level. Remember what happened to my Uncle Mike? Teaching the classes at the university is helping me change that. I am learning to be more gregarious like I used to be back in Convalescent City. I am also going out of my way to talk to my students whenever I see them. Speaking in front of the classes has helped. At first, I was very nervous. I am still nervous but to a lesser degree with each passing week. I am learning a valuable skill that I need to survive in modern society ... the ability to sell myself. I am also gradually increasing the confidence I severely lack. When Robert (rbryant@mci2000.com) mentioned that he took up standup comedy as a sideline, I tried to imagine myself in his shoes on stage. It was frightening. Then, I realized that the person on the stage has full control of the audience. When was in school, I used to drop any classes that required student presentations. In graduate school, I found that I no longer had the option to drop those classes. I did as little as I could to meet the requirements and just felt relief when it was over. Thus, I never learned the true value of the performance. Life is a performance. There will always be some time when we find ourselves on stage, as it were. We either shine or we flop.

I couldn't sleep last night. I had a sense of impending doom. I was over-analyzing the situation. This appears to be my standard modus operandi. In fact, that is what has brought me to this juncture. When Lori ended our engagement on Thursday, she told me that I needed time to think about what I was doing. She was right. I have spent far too much time fretting over things that were out of my control. Then, I took out my frustrations out on everyone around me. All along, Lori has told me to have patience and faith. She was right. I've had time to think, and I probably need more time to think. However, I have to avoid the temptation to over-analyze everything and to see things that are not really there. I also need to separate the various aspects of my life into manageable components. I tend to lump everything together and become totally overwhelmed.

My biggest mistake was that I rarely showed my affection for Lori. I also had difficulty in telling her that I loved her. She has brought this matter up several times. I envisioned that as Lori's attempt at making me a lap dog. I can see why she was frustrated. At this point, Lori does not want to hear excuses. To me, they are not excuses. They are a reality of the affectionless environment that I was raised. However, a person can learn to change. I attempted to change myself after the last misunderstanding. I quickly fell back into my old ways. It's not that I didn't take Lori seriously. I was still too wrapped up with the other nonsense. After the latest incident on Thursday, I came to realize that Lori was the most important aspect of my life. I expected her to take the brunt of my frustration and wait until I could resolve the issues that were out of my control. Now those issues are meaningless. I feel as though a tremendous amount of weight has been taken off of my shoulders. Sometimes it takes a hammer and chisel to knock some sense into the ol' lavahead.

I was just finishing up my workout at the gym when Lori came in. She was in a much better frame of mind. So, I waited for her to finish her workout. Then, I walked her home and talked with her. Lori is very hesitant about resuming our relationship. She does not want the ring back at this time. Can you blame her? Has the ol' lavahead even held up to any of his promises? We are now in quandary concerning our future.

I have been taking life too seriously since I moved to Hawai'i. Even Lori has noticed the change. She said that I was not as playful as I used to be. She's right. Compare the present journal to, say, The Loser Living Upstairs. My life was stressful back then but I used humor to make it through those tough times. Of course, even sitcoms have dramatic moments these days. The drama in my case, however, has dragged on for over three months.

Lori is willing to accompany the ol' lavahead on a weekend getaway. Her daughter will be leaving for New York next Friday. We will try to schedule our trip to Maui or Kaua'i the following day. All of this will be contingent on when Lori can schedule her surgery. She will find out the details tomorrow. The getaway should be pretty reasonable in cost. We can get a hotel room, a rental car, and airfare for about $230 for both of us. That's two days and one night on the island of our choice. Not bad.

The Wort is apparently doing its job. Either that or I'm completely over my time of reckoning. The Great Wort Experiment will continue to run its course no matter what. I think that the most important part of recovery is to deal with the root problems. Sometimes adversity makes these problems come to the surface. Any kind of medication (e.g., Wort) can only serve to provide temporary relief. I just hope that I have finally nipped this crap in the bud.

Lori went to see her surgeon this morning. The date of the surgery is yet to be determined. So, we are going ahead with our plans for the island getaway. We are having a tough time deciding whether we should go to Maui or Kaua'i. Lori bought a couple of guides which should have been free given the amount of advertising in them. I will peruse them with Lori and we will make a decision.

I heard from Paul and Barbara. They have made it to Gatesville, and it looks like they are planning to stay there for a while. Paul said that he caught up with the journal by reading it on-line at several libraries at the various ports of call along the way. Also, thanks to Nancy (Nantzi@aol.com) for writing in. Apparently, she has lived in Convalescent City before moving to Gatesville and she is planning to move back there. Can you blame her?

It looks as though Lori and I will be going to Maui for our little getaway. The getaway came out to be $260 since I have to pay an extra day for the rental car. That's still fairly reasonable. I made the reservations and paid for everything. I'll pick up the airline tickets and vouchers tomorrow. I am really looking forward to this getaway trip. We'll be flying into Kahalui and staying at a budget hotel in Kihei. It kind of reminds me of the San Francisco trip. Remember when Lori and I stayed at the rustic Hotel Britton? I have a feeling that the Maui Oceanside Hotel is just as rustic, if not more so. It doesn't matter. We are not planning on sitting in a hotel room for duration of the getaway. The hotel is right along the beach. Lori wants us to walk along the beach at night. Perhaps we will be able to bring new life to our relationship.

Lori has not asked for the ring back yet. I did get the case back from her, so I put the ring in it and placed it my software box. Isn't that so appropriate? I'm not sure if we'll ever get engaged again, which means that marriage will remain an uncertainty. Lori has good reason to be cautious. In fact, I felt as though I was slipping into the abyss again today. I don't even know why. If I had to venture to guess, I'd say it was because I'm ready to enter my tenth month of chronic unemployment. The Great Wort Experiment is still going strong. That may have been my saving grace this time around.

I didn't mention that I had another interview just a week ago. I may have asked for a salary that was considered too high for Hawai'i. A slam letter should be arriving soon. So-called computer professionals make minimum wage in Hawai'i. That's right. To tell you the truth, there are quite a few people working at Burger King who make more than computer people. That's probably another reason I was ready to fall into the abyss.

Lori's surgery has finally been scheduled for October 9th. The offending growth will be removed for good then. Since Lori's daughter will still be gone on vacation, Lori will be able to recuperate with little distraction. The surgery will take all day. The hospital will not release her unless someone is there to pick her up. So, I will go the hospital in the late afternoon.

Lori and I almost had another misunderstanding today. Fortunately, I called a time-out. Perhaps the Wort is doing a superb job because I was able to remain calm. The misunderstanding was, of course, about the situation with Lori's daughter and the other players in the all-too-familiar debacle. I can understand Lori's aggravation since the whole situation is rapidly spiraling out of her control. What really struck me, though, was how predominant Lori's part is in our misunderstandings. She tends to become emotional. Then, she brings up things I've done in the past. This is usually when I lose it because I'm being inundated with a list of my alleged shortcomings. Although I was able to avert disaster, what will happen the next time?

Lori, her daughter, and I spent the day at Ala Moana. We went to see the new Neiman-Marcus store. Neiman-Marcus is a really just a showy display of decadent opulence. One pass through the store is enough to evoke feelings of financial disqualification. We returned to the real world shortly after that. Moms invited Lori and her daughter over for dinner. After dinner, we spent the evening at Barnes & Noble. Lori and I spent the time looking at and listening to music CDs. We also perused a few books and calendars with pictures of Maui. Only six more days before our big getaway adventure.

 I was supposed to go to Hanauma Bay with Lori and her daughter today. I don't normally enjoy going to the beach, but I have been trying to compromise on some of my preferences. We ended up not going to the beach because Lori's daughter was allegedly upset that I would be accompanying them. Lori was upset by her daughter's behavior. Her daughter, however, told me that she does not want to go to the beach because she does not want to sit around to tan all day. We went to Kahala Mall instead. I managed to find time to ask Lori's daughter about whether she felt that I was getting in the way of her relationship with her mother. She said no. She added that she liked the ol' lavahead the best out of all of Lori's past boyfriends. When I last discussed these discrepencies with Lori, she became agitated and accused me of being duped by an 11-year-old. I'm beginning to realize that the problem is not that anyone is lying. Rather, everyone has a different perspective of what is going on. Lori's mother called this morning. The conversation ended up in an argument with Lori hanging up on her mother. This tends to happen frequently. I can understand Lori's reaction to events when I consider her relationship with parents, especially her mother.

Lori and I took a walk to Koko Marina in the latter part of the evening. We spent about an hour at the waterfront watching the ducks. We have never seen the ducks swimming around at night before. I managed to use one of my slippers to bat a few roaches into the water from the nearby shrubbery. The ducks went into a feeding frenzy each time. I just hope that nobody in the nearby restaurants was watching this spectacle.

 I felt as though I was "in a funk" (as Steph would say) today. My feelings of uncertainty about my future seemed to be the cause once again. That's understandable since I will be entering my tenth month of chronic unemployment in three days. I continue to have too much spare time which further exacerbates the situation. Even listening to the Bose Acoustic Wave is no longer a pleasure. In fact, I have not listened to it in weeks. I don't know why I never learn my lesson when it comes to material possessions. I grow tired of them quickly and they end up collecting dust. Then, I look back and lament at the Wailing Wall because I spent so much money on them. It's a fool's lament.

The getaway to Maui just can't come quick enough. Lori has been suggesting so many different things to do. I think that she is beginning to miss the point of the whole trip. I don't want to be cavorting around with a bunch of tourists. Lori seems to be preoccupied with doing as much as she can in any one day. I wouldn't call it the passion of experiencing all that life has to offer. It seems more like a desperate attempt to quell the pangs of mortality. In actuality, that may also be what I am going through.

The Great Wort Experiment continues. I have almost depleted my supply of Wort. In order to complete the duration of the experiment, I will have to secure another four-week supply. Have you noticed the number of products that now have Wort as an ingredient? Yep, everything from smoothies to lipstick. Whassup wi' dat? Incidentally, I believe that one can deliberately supercede the affect of the Wort. The standard dosage of the Wort does not make it impossible to fall into the abyss. That's probably why I've been feeling a little tense lately. My chronic unemployment is really beginning to get on my nerves.

I have not been in a writing mood either. That may be due to my lack of a life. Or, I'm ready to go through another time of reckoning. Sometimes I have to wonder if I am just a glutton for punishment. Nah, I don't think so. It's the sinister kahuna, once again toying with the oversized cranium. Why now? Why just two days away from the Maui getaway? Lori has been on the edge about something. We almost had another misunderstanding, but I was able to nip it in the bud. Perhaps this mundane life is taking its toll on the both of us.

I bought another big bottle of Wort. It was on sale for $6.99 at GNC. How could I go wrong? After all, this is Day 28 of the Great Wort Experiment. The way things are going, I should have bought a whole case of Wort. I may be using the Wort forever. I am also considering upping the dosage. Can one overdose on Wort? Can you imagine the paramedics finding the ol' lavahead passed out, only to discover that his bloodstream had a high concentration of Wort? I'd probably be the laughingstock at the hospital.

 Lori has been referring to the ol' lavahead as her "fiancé" lately. I find that subtly ironic. She has never called me that before, nor has she introduced me to anyone as such. She has still not asked for the ring back nor have I brought the matter up. Technically, we are not engaged. We are merely friends. At this point in time, I'm more inclined to keep it this way. We seem to get along better now that the pressure is off. I still cannot help but wonder about what kind of future we could have. I'm still nowhere near being financially viable and, frankly, I can see no time when I will be. The prevalence of schizophrenia in Hawai'i seems to be increasing. It could be my imagination but I have been seeing more and more people who are talking to themselves or have annoying tics. I think it's the sign of the times here. People are going crazy. I may be right behind them. Fortunately, I had a Whopper (my way, of course) for dinner at the downtown Burger King. There' just nothing like a Whopper to make the soul dance.

Could Marshall McLuhan have said it better? I don't know. The message is the massage. The massage is the dance. The dance of the soul. Soul ballet. Let's hele on with The Keeper to October now, shall we?