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New Year's Day 1996

It is now 1996, and all my resolutions have been invoked. I went to the gym early to get some StairMaster time in. That gym babe, Annie, was there. She may have found a stud as she has been working out with some guy regularly, although she refers to him as "a friend." Annie has that Pam Anderson look, and she definitely attracts attention. She got on the StairMaster machine two down from me. She made a comment about it being too bright in the gym, obviously as a joke because I had my shades on. Annie would definitely make a nice babe for someone.

After I returned to the Roach Motel, I was standing in the bathroom getting ready to take a shower when Boom! Mrs. Idiot slammed the shower door and I jumped. I got into the shower and slammed the door as hard as I could. Then, Mrs. Idiot slammed the door again. It was then that I realized that all of this has been deliberate. I showered, got dressed, and left immediately because I knew I was on the verge of real violence. So much for one of my resolutions! I am certain that Mrs. Idiot will be stupid enough to toy with my patience, and all of us will suffer when Evil Eunuch emerges. Why must these people be so stupid? Do they think I am some wimpy pansy? All in all, I don't think they have ever dealt with the real world before. I don't think they know what violence is. I will have to take them to school!

I went over to Tom's place. He and I walked downtown as it was a nice day and ended up at Starbuck's for coffee. It was a nice diversion from the slammin' soirée. We walked back a few hours later. I went to check on Rod's place. Then, Tom and I met downtown for dinner at Hudson's. I'm beginning to feel like the 40-something single guys just hanging out to kill time. Soon I'll be at the park feeding the pigeons. Well, hey! I'm a 42-year-old virgin! Since I really didn't feel like returning to the Roach Motel, I went back over to Rod's place. I watched some Danielle Steele movie. For some strange reason, I really like her stuff, which is odd since I am a monk. After the movie, I decided to call home. I remembered Al Bundy and the Phone Patrol, so I called 1-800-COLLECT. It was nice to talk to my family, although I couldn't really disclose the nature of my call. When I finally returned to the Roach Motel, I was sure of at least one resolution I was going to keep.

The gym was crowded today as everyone must have made some fitness resolutions this year. Some babe was wearing shades in the gym today. I walked over to where the Cardinal was.

"Some babe is wearing shades in here. Whassup wi' dat?" I asked.

"I think she's trying to communicate with you, man. I have a flashlight in my truck. You want me to get it so you can flash her a message?" he told me.
 

The Bull and Eric came in together. Eric came over looking concerned. He told me that he caught The Bull in bed with Rama, the front desk babe. I almost believed him because he has given The Bull the keys to his stud pad. The Bull can use Eric's place anytime "to entertain." That is the beauty of this team relationship. I took Janemarie's step class. Tam was also taking the class as she officially started teaching aerobics classes today. The tension is beginning to mount as Tam and The Bull have yet to cross paths at the gym. Matt has been trying to get some things going. He wants us to do the poker night thing, and he also wants to take us all out to lunch at a Chinese restaurant that he knows the owners. The Cardinal, Matt and I are going to be fighting over who gets to eat the fish head!

I visited Big John later in the evening to check out the situation with the extortionist. He was in a very depressed mood as he was told that the court documents were indeed real. I felt that I was more of a nuisance than anything else so I departed. I could empathize with Big John as this is not a pleasant situation to be in. I arrived back at the Roach Motel at 10:30pm and found a note on my door. It was from Caroll, one of the people that I had classes with a year ago. She and Bonnie were over at Taco Bell and wanted me to meet them there. Yes, Taco Bell is about the only place open late here. It was a nice surprise to see both of them. We talked about the usual things, primarily the job situation. Caroll had just recently got a counseling position. Bonnie was still looking. I told them that I have given up with all of this nonsense because there is just no way to get ahead. It really seems that most of my conversations outside the gym have taken a very somber tone. Instead of all the fun and games of old, we spend more time lamenting about the various predicaments we are in. It is very difficult to be optimistic when it is so hard to stay afloat. We will be starting up our weekly meetings again, as Caroll will be commuting from Salinas to finish some coursework.

Sometimes I wonder what will happen when I move out of the Roach Motel and out of California. I have a small handful of friends that are like family to me. I hope I never lose touch with them, even though they all think I'm nuts. Perhaps that is why I have vacillated on the idea of moving for so long. Now, it is no longer a choice ... it is a necessity.

It has been warm and sunny again. Strange weather for Winter, and I am certainly not complaining. Time is sure flying by now, especially given my new agenda. My nerves must be settling down as I have not been too affected by the slammin' soirée. There are too many other things to think about than morons anyway.

There must be a way out of this, I keep thinking to myself. As I look around, I feel as though I am in the bullpen along with the masses. We are packed in and fighting for space and scarce resources. Yet, outside the gate are the gatekeepers. They control everything that goes on in the pen. They ration out the resources. They make the rules. But for the most part, we are oblivious to their existence because the pen is all we know. We develop diversions and hierarchies in the pen, so at least we can believe we have some control. But, in the end it comes down to the same thing ... to become The Bull of the pen. Ironic, isn't it? The smallest system in our universe, the atom, resembles the largest solar systems.

Tammy came over to talk to the Cardinal, The Bull, Eric and me at the gym this afternoon. The Bull walked away as he did not want to talk to her. Tam is trying to be nice to The Bull, but he won't accept it. Tam is back in school, but her true ambition is to become an actress. She is apparently trying out for a part in a sitcom. The Cardinal and I asked her to remember us when she makes it big. I brought in the low fat Twinkies today, and they were gone before I could take them to Tam's class. Evidently, I have moved beyond invisible to detestable. I set up my step in the only section left, and the two babes next to me moved away within a few minutes and squeezed in another section. Sheesh! The Bull looked in during one point of the class and most of the babes were waving. Some ran out to talk to him, and even Tam said hello to him over the sound system. This is what I mean when I say this man is a legend.

It was weakness, perhaps, but I felt a tinge of envy. Why was I born a regular guy in a loser's body? Even a monk has his moments. I need to remember that I am the ol' eunuch! However, it does make one wonder how deeply embedded in biology this babe situation is. There are other things that need to be completed that have far more priority over the babe situation. I am a monk! Speaking of losers, I have been contacted by Internet Underground magazine for an interview concerning my old friend Loser's page. With a circulation of 150,000 since its debut in November, it might catapult Loser and I into stardom! When's the movie deal? Just kidding! Although, it would be nice, wouldn't it?

These are strange times for me. I am continuing to see various aspects of my life crumble. The basis of my very existence is disintegrating before my eyes. I have learned that the conventional route is no longer an option for me. Perhaps I have burned too many bridges. Or, maybe I am too old and (Lord knows) too cynical. Still, I have hope for a better way. I just need to find it.

I have recently entertained the idea of becoming an author. Of course, everyone dreams of fame and fortune (that, in and of itself, adulterates the dream). I have never been able to fulfill that idea as I have always been too unmotivated to go beyond the initial stages. Now, I have run out of options. I can always relegate myself to obscurity, but realistically this can only mean that my future will be confined to a refrigerator crate under some freeway. Will authoring be the answer? I don't know. It will be an intriguing adventure, though, as I will be collaborating with another Web writer. One can only expect a top-notch project to develop from this synergistic effort. I just hope that the sinister force doesn't decide to join in. Lord have mercy!

Rather than go to the gym I decided to finish some long overdue work. I doubt that my absence was painfully obvious. The Dream Team will be involved in some heavy babe recruitment and, most likely, Mango's (The Bull's club) will be on agenda for later. The Cardinal said that one of his babes might be over at his place so he wasn't sure if he would be at the gym today. The computer Lab is a far cry from the gym, that's for sure. The Lab was empty tonight, I assume, because it is a party night. I almost thought I was in a monastery! Well, hey! I'm a monk!

Forgive me, dear readers, for my diatribe that has seemed so dreary these last few weeks. The quiet times during vacation seemed so apropos to do some introspection. Coincidentally, many of my associates have been asking the same questions about life in general as adversity has affected their lives in many different ways. Part of this day-to-day journal is that you get to live the life that I do. You are here with me! When I lose it, you can lose it with me! When I break open the can of Bush's baked beans, you partake of it along with me!

Someone has suggested that I go to counseling as I appear to need it bad. You know, I once went to counseling because I thought I was losing my mind. I was deeply entrenched in drinking mode, and I had just entered graduate school. I had a lot of anxieties about what I was doing. My counselor told me that everything was great. It was an hour-long pep talk, and when I left I wondered why I went there. I never went back. In my counseling classes, I found that most of my classmates had so many unresolved issues that I wondered how they would end up being counselors. I believe that many of them felt that the ultimate closure of those issues would only occur when they were sitting across the counseling couch.

The strange world of counseling became even more apparent to me in a group therapy class. The class was conducted like a large group session with the concepts of group dynamics being investigated in smaller, cozier subgroups. Part of our coursework was the requirement to participate in an actual therapy group. It was one of the most horrific experiences I have ever had. Under the guise of emotional growth, I saw clinical dependence and morose addictive behavior. Cyclothymia or dysthymia was prevalent. Naturally, I did not fit in. I had no issues that made me want to break down, and thus, I was the outsider. I was comfortable with the life decisions that I made, which made me one who could not be trusted. Surely, I had to have something that was wrong. I was verbally accosted in almost every session. I found that I was put on the defensive constantly. When I did disclose that I had been trying to make changes in my life, I was once again verbally accosted as no one believed I was being straight up. It was a painful realization that cynicism prevailed. Ironically, the same situation occurred in the class. Funny, though, the instructor took a liking to me because of it. Out of it all, I have learned to become a different kind of survivor. That is what I write about here.

When I was in that group, I was questioned about my ability to quit drinking. My harshest critic was a babe who was also in some of my counseling classes. She was not in the group as part of a class, though. If I had listened to her, I would have never stopped drinking. She even laughed that I entertained such an idea. My, what a fine counselor she will make! The support structure of the group was based on repetition of one's problems in every session and emotional catharsis was encouraged. Mind you, I know that group therapy does indeed work, but its success is based on the type of group and the leadership. I know that I am not perfect. I also am not a team player. And, I will always have doubts about which direction I take.

I went to the gym later than usual. In fact, I almost didn't go. When I got there, The Bull told me that the Cardinal had just left. According to The Bull, the Cardinal was fatigued as he had quite a "cardiovascular workout" last night. Eric joined the conversation and mentioned that he had just broken up with his babe. He said that it was no problem since it was a skinnin' relationship only. Later, The Bull mentioned that Eric told him that "if (Rama) was lucky, she would get to sleep with (him)." The only interesting thing was that Matt has set up lunch on Monday at the Imperial China restaurant. Looks like there will be a lot of us there. I hope Matt ordered a lot of fish heads! The gym was pretty crowded today, and even the gym "owner" came by to wish us a happy new year. Most of us were just socializing. It kind of reminds me of a party sometimes. Now, I am ready to kick it at the Roach Motel for the night.

Perhaps my nerves have been restored to normal. After BigFoot^tm's alarm went off for an hour at 6am, I should have been delirious. Since he is gone until Monday or Tuesday, I have to look forward to hearing that for the next two days. I have been getting up at around 4am every morning to put my industrial quality earplugs in. Although they are uncomfortable, I can get a couple more hours of sleep. Conveniently not being at the Roach Motel when Mrs. Idiot is engaged in a slammin' soirée has also helped. Unfortunately, that is the way it is these days. The only way to tolerate inconsiderate activity is to avoid it. If that means modifying one's own lifestyle, so be it. At least I can preserve my sanity!

That incredible gym babe Lisa was at the gym today. She has been working out alone lately. Mike (armadillo pictures) told me that he knows a guy at work who used to go out with her. Apparently, that guy did not have a lot of nice things to say about her. Mike asked Lisa about it and she denied it all. Mike also mentioned some of the allegations and she said, "None of it is true. I'm a really nice person." Mike does believe that it was her. Everything, including the description of her, the truck she drives, etc., matches. She is a high maintenance babe, and she does like a lot of attention from men. But, perhaps, all the guys are not seeing the dark side of her personality. Does it matter? Hell no! I'm a monk!
 

The Bull was also at the gym. He must have thought that Coleena was teaching today. I asked The Bull whether that was the case, and he said that if he wanted to talk to her he "would just call her," since he apparently has her number. The Bull never misses a beat. We both ended up doing the StairMaster for about an hour. I noticed that Rama was there, too, and she was checking out The Bull from across the gym. And, why not? Watching The Bull on the StairMaster is like watching one of those fitness infomercials. On the other hand, I look like one of the slobs that get picked from the usual shopping mall audience as comic relief in those infomercials. Sheesh!

Watching The Bull on the StairMaster is like watching one of those fitness infomercials.

My homey Tom told me that he tried to get a hold of me on Wednesday night to join him and Steph for dinner at the Firestone Café. We are all supposed to do coffee sometime this weekend, but Tom has not been able to get in touch with her. Well, it looks like tonight will be a great night to clean out those useless files from my hard drive. Oh boy. I better sit down for a few minutes. I am woozy with anticipation ...

Sometimes I wonder why I have any possessions at all. The only thing I use everyday is my broken French Press and my computer. The K-Mart all-in-one is functioning mostly as a clock. I really don't need my six-four because the only place I drive is to the gym. If I got a bus pass, I would get by fine. Yet, I take immaculate care of all the things I own as if I am some kind of curator of a museum. All I need now is a mummy to put on display.

The punchline is that I own nothing so I am the curator of nothing. If I need a mummy on display, I already have one ... me! Anyway, the weather has been real nice again. One of the guys at the gym, Ron, told me that he went to the beach today. He sat next to four babes and he overheard one of them say, "Look, there's the Pillsbury doughboy," referring to him. He was a little upset so he came into the gym to put in some StairMaster time. Sometimes I am glad that I am invisible.

When I was cleaning out my hard drive, I found that one of my Word files was corrupted with that stupid Word macro virus. I can't seem to figure out how some clown has so much fun screwing up other people's work. It just doesn't make sense, but then again, the slammin' soirée I am listening to, as we speak, doesn't make sense either.

Only four of us showed up for Matt's lunch event at the Imperial China. Matt wants to get some other activities going, so this was our preliminary meeting. The Bull and the Cardinal split the fish head. All in all, it was quite a feast. Since the owners are clients of Matt's we got first class treatment with specially cooked entrées not on the menu. Matt had to go back to work. The Bull, the Cardinal and I went over to Starbuck's for some coffee afterwards.

I almost didn't make it to the gym, as I was still full from lunch. It was a packed house and the whole cast was in. The Bishop was there. I tried to talk to him but he was in a bad mood. However, he was going out of his way to talk to babes. I found it interesting, though, that when I was talking to Charlene, one of the aerobics instructors, the Bishop stepped in and took over the conversation. Then, just before Yalda's class started, I felt someone's hand on my arm. It was that exotic babe Tamara, and just as I was talking to her, the Bishop stepped in again. It's fine if one is in a bad mood and doesn't want to talk to the ol' eunuch but let us at least have some courtesy. Sheesh! It's not like I'm moving in on anyone's action! Then, Yalda's friend Richard was trying to make a move on Tamara during the class. He also had to make an announcement that he just bought a 1990 Corvette convertible. The studs were spreading their wings today.

Surprisingly, Scott talked to the ol' eunuch after class. We were talking about loans and things like that. He said that he was still paying off his student loan. He has one year left. I told him that he was very fortunate that he got something for that loan, as he is an attorney. He didn't really agree. "Maybe you took the right course of action," he told me, "You can sit all day at the Roach Motel with not a care in the world." I'm not sure if that is entirely true, but I told him that I can do that because I have no family to support. If I did, then my priorities would have been entirely different. I am almost certain that the babe situation is getting to Scott. Perhaps he is wondering whether a nice job and all the comforts that money can buy will be able to substitute for a babe and, ultimately, a family. I don't have that answer, I'm afraid.

The weekly meeting with Caroll and Bonnie was canceled tonight, as Caroll did not make it down from Salinas. I was kind of looking forward to that. Now, I will have the slammin' soirée. And, guess what? BigFoot^tm has a whole bunch of people over tonight for a little hoe-down! Maybe I should go downtown to Barnes & Noble for a while ...

The Bull told me last night that Big D wanted to have a talk with him about Tam. Apparently, Tam had told Big D that her feelings were hurt because The Bull was avoiding her. The Bull, however, remains adamant and refuses to forgive Tam. He feels he has been wronged by her, basically all because she didn't want to go out with him (although he won't admit it). That's how foolish things can get with the babe situation. In fact, I am still a little shocked over the Bishop's behavior last night. I guess an exotic babe like Tamara could drive a guy to do just about anything. Tamara is a hot babe. Words cannot even begin to describe her. If anything, babes like her and that incredible gym babe Lisa provide solid evidence of the conspicuous presence of temptation, not for myself, but for the male population at large.

I have been getting into this book project more and more. I spent several hours today on it. I'm on a roll now! So, what is the book about? Well, it's not an autobiography. You can already get that in the stores now. Yes, you've seen them. They look like hardbound books but all the pages are blank. That's them! That's kind of like my daily planner for the year. I just tear off the back of an old envelope. Okay ...

I was on some kind of comical tirade at the gym today. Actually, I looked like some kind of big-mouthed jerk. But I had a quite a few people laughing, though. Maybe I need my own show! I took Janemarie's step class with the usual cast. As The Bull and I were entering the class, we saw Tam and the gym "owner." Tam apparently got the gym "owner" to help her out to try to get The Bull to talk to her. But, he remains adamant. It really looks like Tam has come back for The Bull. They all do. She was foolish to think she could find something better somewhere else. And now, she is willing to admit her mistake.

The Bull, the Bishop, and I ended up having dinner at CJ's after the gym. The Bishop was in good spirits. This was the first time the three of us have gotten together in months. Even the Bishop was trying to get The Bull to lighten up on Tam. I went to refill my drink and, when I came back, I asked The Bull if he was going to take Tam's class. At least now he is considering it. These studs really don't know how good they have it. Sheesh! They should be in my shoes for a week. I think they will learn to have a better appreciation of their own lives. Now you can see why I need to distract myself with projects like writing a book.

The sinister force is back at play again. Gale force winds twisted my car cover around my six-four. That makes about four car-width gouges now as the cable was dragged across the paint. By this afternoon, a million bird droppings will be glued to what is left of the paint. Since I broke my bucket in a fit of rage, I have no way to wash my six-four. Mrs. Idiot engaged in an extended slammin' soirée session. She must have been cooking up breakfast. I really don't know what perturbs me more ... the slammin' soirée or the thought that The Idiots are stuffing their faces like there is no tomorrow. I hope I never hear them complain about a weight problem. The thought of The Idiots sitting at the dining table chewing with both cheeks bloated with food makes me ill. Yuck! Even BigFoot^tm joined in the fun this morning. He has been dropping his heavy farm implements on the floor all morning. Why doesn't he just keep those in his pickup (that's what aggies call their truck)?

Loser was walking somewhere when I was wrestling with the car cover. Looks like he got some new stylin' duds. Well, a famous celebrity should dress the part, eh? Maybe I should try to get a photo taken with him and scan it into these pages so everyone can see us! Whoa! Maybe not. People might be pretty disappointed. Loser and I should just continue to keep people in visual suspense. Lord have mercy!

Do you ever wonder why people have those stupid car alarms? Mr. Idiot was out washing his ride, and every time he had to go back to his apartment (for a snack?) he set the alarm. I saw this at the gas station the other day. After the woman filled the gas, she set the alarm and walked about five feet to the attendant to pay, then disabled the alarm, got in and drove off. Are these people consciously moronic? Fortunately, they did not have one of those stupid talking alarms. I remember a few years ago, some clown had his truck parked across the street with the alarm sensitivity set high. It was a particularly windy night and the stupid talking alarm was going off continuously. I looked outside and saw the truck's headlights flashing while it was talking away in the empty parking lot. I wish I could have reprogrammed the usual schpiel with "Warning! My owner is an idiot!"

I should have stayed home instead of going to the gym today. My heart just wasn't in it. Of course, it always is nice to socialize even if it's just limited to the boys. The Bull was just hanging out, too. But, it was fairly obvious what his game plan was. He really wanted to take Tam's class. He said he wasn't going, but he was meandering around like a lost dog for over an hour. When the Bishop decided to take the class, The Bull went in. He was play-acting like he was annoyed that he even had to make an appearance. I left because I knew that The Bull would be the center of attention. And, he would play up to all the other babes to see Tam's reaction. Tam has yet to even talk to the ol' eunuch, especially since Matt, Big D, and I bought her a big cake and did the going away party for her in August. Isn't that something? Well, I don't have much time left on my gym membership so this chapter will soon come to a close. Actually, the whole chapter may come to a close then. And, it will be time for the ol' eunuch to move on. Will the ol' virgin be missed? Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaa!

I have had heartburn now everyday for several weeks. It might be this fast paced lifestyle that I have. You know, life in the fast lane is taking a toll on the ol' eunuch. Maybe I should slow down my typing speed when I'm on the computer. I probably should take more power naps. Well, hey! I'm the Lee Iaccoca of the unemployed world! That's right ... I'm the Chairman! If I don't like the situation, I mummify it!

I decided to take a break from the gym today. Maybe my nerves are shot once again. That may be why all the dates in this journal have been screwed up lately. Fortunately, my virtual homey karl@shore.net pointed this out. That also reminds me that the ever-popular Loser is going to be featured in Internet Underground magazine in March. The ol' virgin will also be in there, if you can even believe it. That calls for a celebration! I may have to go down to the store and buy about five of those Banquet frozen TV dinners. It takes about five of those things to make a meal. Why exactly are those called TV dinners? Are you supposed to watch the tube while you eat those dinners to distract yourself from realizing how pitiful they are? Or, is the tray supposed to look like a TV? Come to think of it ... maybe I should have gone to the gym.

I am very happy to be on the perpetual CompuServe and AOL mailing lists because both have been providing me with free floppy disks. Thank goodness, because I really needed some. It's too bad nobody is giving away free babes. What!?! Just kidding! I'm a monk. If babes were really of interest, the ol' eunuch would have been at the gym today. Instead, I will be spending a relaxing evening here. Hark! Is that the slammin' soirée starting up? Ah, Mrs. Idiot must be home. There's nothing like the Roach Motel. Also, thanks to kevinj@seanet.com for dropping us a few lines.

That BigFoot^tm has been coming closer to emulating my old buddy Loser. He has been traversing the ranch vigorously lately. I have no idea what he is doing. He also has been dropping his farm implements on the floor regularly. What does he have up there? His plow? And, he has been hacking away with that "old man clearing his throat" kind of cough. I suspect that he must have swallowed his chewin' tobaccy. Good Lord, I hope he doesn't have a plastic pig up there. Sheesh!
 

The situation between The Bull and Tam definitely is the talk of the gym. The Bull told me that Tam talked to him several times during her class. She walked around the class and when she passed by The Bull she would ask him how he was doing. Mind you, this was during the step class and she was saying this over the sound system. The Bull ignored her so she said that he didn't have to talk to her if he didn't want to. Thus, the whole class was aware of what was happening. Yesterday, during Yalda's quadstep class, Tam asked The Bull to take her class, once again initiating contact. The Bull appeared nonchalant as he related this to me, as if he really didn't care. He was lethargic, I would assume, from battling with his desires. I am sure that he has a lot of things on his mind (e.g., Tam). I told The Bull that he should learn to appreciate that he has got it goin' on. He also needs to forgive Tam. People change, and that is what probably happened to Tam when she moved away to a school populated by Beavis 'n Butthead clones. That is why she came back for him.

The Bull appeared nonchalant as he related this to me ... He was lethargic, I would assume, from battling with his desires.

Tomorrow is The Bull's birthday. Most likely, he will be throwing a huge party with so many babes running around that he will make Charlie Sheen look like a monk. Too bad he will not get his real B-day wish, Tam. There is no question that Tam had a change of heart. Now, if only The Bull would swallow his pride and meet her halfway. That is the kind of foolishness that I have to witness. Little wonder that my nerves are always shot. As usual, for some it is always a feast, for others it is always a famine.

My homey Tom and I ended up at Starbuck's for coffee. Eric happened to stop in to get coffee, and he came over to chat for a few minutes. He said that The Bull was meeting him and they were going to see a movie and then hit the clubs. Scott also came in for coffee. He was alone, but he didn't stop to chat. And, that one incredible Starbuck's babe was working tonight, too. Baby was looking real good, although I never noticed. I was too busy thinking that I needed to find a way to break out of the ranks and soon.

I drank too much coffee last night, and I just could not sleep. Maybe it was because of the Starbuck's babe. Just kidding! I'm a monk. Since I was so fatigued from sleep deprivation, there was only one cure ... more coffee! Well, today is The Bull's big day. I won't be able to report the happenings as I was not privy to be on the guest list. Since everyone else will be at The Bull's party, there will not be anything to write about here. This place will be a ghost town. I thought I would do some laundry this morning. We have all new machines. I put my wash into the tandem dryer. I put the coins into the wrong dryer. So, when I came back to check my laundry, I found that I had six minutes left. I put the wet laundry into the correct dryer, and then I discovered that I had no more quarters. I walked to the convenience store in the Roach Motel only to find out that it wouldn't be open until two. Pretty convenient convenience store, eh?

The Cardinal was at the gym today, and he had some news for me. Apparently, he had seen Eric earlier this morning and it turns out that the Dream Team did end up at Mango's (The Bull's club) last night. Evidently, The Bull got so drunk that Eric and his buddy had to carry him out to the car. The Bull spent the night at Eric's and they went to pick up his car this morning. That was only the preliminary. Tonight is The Bull's big night! You can just imagine what is going to happen at his private bash. The Cardinal and I ended up downtown for all-you-can-eat Chinese to catch up on all the gym nonsense. However, we were not sure who is going to be at The Bull's bash but rest assured it will be big news. I was glad to get in, since I was delirious from sleep deprivation. The Idiot's are home as usual but I have may missed the slammin' soirée. I spoke too soon! I think they wait for me to come home so they can put on a show. It takes a lot of talent to slam those drawer and cupboard doors. I wish I knew Paul Schaffer so I could contact him. He might need some new percussionists. You know, I actually think that I live a more exciting life than they do. Sheesh! And, a big thanks to ehorn@cse.unv.edu for writing in!

It wasn't until I actually embarked on my new writing project that I realized how scary it was. Sure, I now have plenty of practice writing, but two weeks into this project and I find myself questioning what I am doing. It is easy to do. After all, we have been trained all our lives to work for something that is going to give us some kind of payback. Wasting time, as some have come to call what I am doing, creates a lot of apprehension and anxiety because it is a gamble. Everyone keeps telling me, "Get a job!" like that is the cure all. They tell me how great life is now that they have a great job with great pay. Then, in another breath, they tell me that they are worried about layoffs, sick of office politics and games, and bored. Yes, they have grown weary and bored. All throughout college they dreamed that they would be the shining star in the company, and now they are just a group member working on another project. The glory days never came. But, I see the draw of the job ... the paycheck. That is all most people live for. "I can take that crap they dish out because when the first of the month rolls around I know I'm getting paid," they tell me, with a look of pride. I don't want to get rich but I don't want to live for the paycheck, and then live from paycheck to paycheck. Yes, that is a better life than what I lead now with no paycheck but only if I choose to sit and remain helpless and narrow in my vision. Time will tell if I can break out of the ranks, or I will have to conform to the way it is.

I asked Scott yesterday if he was on a date when I saw him at Starbuck's. He said no, and then I asked why he didn't stop to talk. He said he was just getting his dinner and heading home. He then made a few of his usual snide comments about my age (never mind that we are the same age), where I live and so forth like he always does. Scott strikes me as an unhappy guy. He is constantly trying to talk to the twenty-something babes and I know he is hoping that he will hit paydirt someday. He seems bored and unhappy with his life, and his fatigue shows in his face. Perhaps he should consider becoming a monk. Or, maybe he already has, and now he is trying to fight that inevitability.

The long-awaited outing with Tom, Steph and I happened, although it was just the usual. We had dinner at the Firestone Café and coffee at Starbuck's. Steph had some interesting stories to relate, but she did not want them appearing in these pages. I respect everyone's right to privacy. She was worried that someone in town may read it. I assured her that no one in this town even knows about these pages, nor they don't care about them. That's why this is LoserNet!

From the size of this journal, it looks like it is time to decide whether there should be another season of this excruciating life on the Web. Maybe it should continue at least until my gym membership expires. That is about as good a criterion as any. I'm sure entertainment executives use similar variables in their programming decisions. What else could explain such quality programming we see these days?

The big bash for The Bull happened at his club, Mango's, and it was wild! When Eric, The Bull and a couple of other studs arrived, they found a place to sit. Eric said that they had to strike a pose for the sake of the babes, and then the action started up. The Bull was tearin' it up! He danced with almost every babe in the joint. Most of the babes just grabbed him and pulled him out to the dance floor. One of the babes was all over him like a cheap suit. She was getting real freaky and ran her hands under his clothes and all over his body while they danced. In fact, most of the babes couldn't keep their hands off The Bull. At one point some babe was sitting in Eric's lap. Later, Eric wanted to talk to her again so The Bull went to find her. He told her that Eric wanted to talk to her. She asked who Eric was, and The Bull pointed him out. She then asked him, "What if I don't want to talk to him? I want to talk to you." She asked The Bull for his phone number and said she was going to call him. Then, she ran her hands all over The Bull including you know where. She told him, "I want you to remember one thing ... you're soooo smooth. Mmmmmmm," and she licked her lips seductively. Poor Eric! He asked The Bull about baby, and The Bull told him everything that happened. Eric was demoralized. At the gym today, The Bull was the center of attention. That incredible gym babe Lisa is now giving him a lot of play. And, why not? There is no other guy that can come close to The Bull. I was talking to The Bull near the front desk, and when he left, the new front desk babe said, "He's so handsome, and he's got the most perfect body." Then, she said something about wanting to eat him up alive. Poor Tam! She was doing the StairMaster by herself as The Bull was being paged to take Yalda's class. It was a birthday tribute to him. The Bishop finally went over to talk to Tam, and The Bull believes that the Bishop is after her now since he opted to talk to her instead of taking Yalda's class. The power that The Bull has over women increases daily and most of the guys are getting more frustrated. Some of the guys are saying that they can't get any dates because the babes are waiting for The Bull to ask them out. I left immediately after all of that. I'm only a very small fish in an ocean. Sheesh! I'm glad I'm a monk. If I had to compete with that, I would have paid a visit to the Post Office by now!

One can't help but reflect on The Bull's tremendous power over babes. He has become a love god ... the Amorous Adonis. And, the babes are getting even more bold as they attempt to attract The Bull's attention. The level of competition has increased and the babes are willing to do more and more to win The Bull's affections. It is almost like an Ali Bijan B-movie. Babes are literally throwing themselves at his feet and practically tearing his clothes off. Soon, they will be tearing their clothes off right in front of him! And, the ol' eunuch will have to witness this debauchery every day. Sheesh!

The rains have started up today. It is difficult to get around especially when I have to carry my notebook computer. But, I am a computer nerd so it must travel with me, rain or shine. With the way The Bull has been racking up the babes, I think I will be seeing many more computer nerd converts. What else is left?

The whole cast was at the gym today. The Bull came over to me just when I came in to tell me that the Bishop was depressed because he was rejected by Tam when he asked her out. I talked to the Bishop and he told me that he was just trying to yank The Bull's chain. I think the Bishop did ask Tam out, though. The Bull's power over babes was further substantiated when he told me he was sure that the new front desk babe wanted him. I joined The Bull and the Bishop for dinner at Fresh Choice after we finished a step class. The Bull and the Bishop were too busy talking about babes so I moved to a different table. I should have known better.

It has becoming apparent again how invisible I am. Actually, I think I am visible, but repulsive, especially to babes. Most of these babes would love to call the cops on me but they haven't got a good reason to. I kind of wish they did. That way I'd have free room and board plus a free gym membership. And, I could make license plates! I may make it to the big house yet. The Idiots are playing with their desk, the same pathetic one I have with one drawer. They are opening and closing the drawer for fun. If I were to lose it right now, all those benefits I just mentioned would be mine. Hopefully, I'll get to keep my computer when I check in. Lord knows what I would do without it. Speaking of computers, I'd like to thank dce@btw.com for sending some nice software to the ol' eunuch. If there's anything better than babes, it software!

Fortunately, Caroll stopped by and we went out for coffee for a bit. Otherwise I would have had to stay in at the Roach Motel, only to have The Idiots prove the existence of the missing link. I am either in need of seclusion or more words of wisdom from The Master.

The storm was a brief one. My one and only pair of shoes is saturated with water. For that, it should have rained for at least three days. Sheesh!

I have begun to realize that nobody listens to what I have to say. I probably have less credibility than the most believable Pauly Shore character. It's like when I was talking with The Bull and the Bishop at Fresh Choice last night. They were talking over the ol' eunuch like he was invisible. The Bishop looks up to a buddy of his (whose roommate the Bishop has a thing for). His buddy has a Master's degree and is a car salesman. I tried to tell them what could happen to anyone if they are not careful. I offered them living proof ... my pathetic life. They did not want to hear that, though. Ironically, the Bishop's buddy was also living proof of a system that doesn't work if one conforms to the rank and file. I notice that if I just shut up and listen to people, then they like the ol' loser. I am like a sounding board ... a perfect role for a harmless ol' eunuch.

It was Bullmania today at the gym. Everyone was real sluggish until The Bull arrived. He was a little late and many people, especially the babes, were ready to call it a day and go home. When he finally came in, things really picked up. The Bull no longer works out. He may do one or two sets of some useless exercise, but most of his time is spent insuring that everyone has a chance to talk with him. That incredible gym babe Lisa is definitely after The Bull. She has been going out of her way to flirt with him. It was also fairly obvious that The Bull was planning to take Tam's step class. I took half of the class but even a monk can only take so much. Tam kept saying "Hi" and asking The Bull how he was. She also kept telling the class to watch The Bull if they didn't know how to do any of the steps. This was all going through the sound system. Sheesh! It is pretty obvious by now that Tam has come back just for The Bull.

I needed a break so I went down to Barnes & Noble to work on the book that may never be published. Tom met me there later. This is a happenin' place primarily because it is about the only place open until 11pm around here. I looked at a lot of books, and it was discouraging as it seems impossible to be able to write anything that will stand out. I made a word count of one of the best sellers and I am only one-sixth of the way. Sheesh! That's a lot of writing. Tom and I went to Starbuck's afterwards to have some coffee. Now, I'll be up all night!

As I sat here drinking coffee made with my broken French Press, I reflected on the eventual end of this saga. No, I'm not going to find a babe. Well, hey! I'm a loser! But, it will be a sad day. As things continue to remain in flux, there is no telling where the ol' eunuch could end up. Flux? That reminds me of the "flux capacitor" that powered the DeLorean in Back to the Future. Who came up with that? As a nerd, I spotted that immediately and it was cause for concern. I mean, these movies have mass nerd appeal. Sheesh! Speaking of coffee, it kept me up most of the night as expected. You know, though, I haven't slept well in so long that I can't tell if I slept or not.

Well, at least LoserNet has catapulted itself into the ranks of ... who knows? Loser brought us several awards. Say, maybe I can get a job now. Can you imagine the interview ...
 

"So, Mr. Eunuch, why don't you tell us why you're the best man for this job?" the clown in the suit asks.

"Well, one of my Web pages was the most useless page in the world last year. It even beat out the ToiletCam!" I reply.

"The ToiletCam?" the clown in the suit asks, raising one eyebrow higher than the other.

"Yeah, you know the one that has the video camera in some bathroom, and everyone waits to see who's going to do the big one in there," I reply in all earnestness.

"NEXT!"
 

Well, so much for me getting a job, eh? Those answers might work if I was trying to get committed to the "home."

Some people just don't realize how good they have it! I asked The Bull if anything else happened during the class. He said that Tam was "acting extremely suspicious." Apparently, at one point she blurted out, "Oooo, you look so cute ... oops!" to The Bull over the sound system in the middle of class (she caught herself at the end). This is the kind of power The Bull has over babes!

As for a loser like me, well, all I get is grief. I was at the store getting some Bush's baked beans, and as I was walking down the main aisle, some woman flew out from a side aisle and barely missed me with her shopping cart. I opened up Lou's School of Etiquette immediately. I said, "Excuse me, stupid!" real loud. She kept going and muttered that I must hate myself. I told her, "Awww, shaddup you ol' krunk!" She came back and said, "Excuse me, do you want me to call the police?" I said, "Go ahead, make my day!" She didn't have a clue about how stupid she was. But, she sure knew that I was wrong. She needs to go home and simmer her head in some chicken broth. It is a good thing that I am a benevolent monk.

The whole world is going crazy from what I can tell. And, there's only one reason ... the sinister force. As I was on my way downtown to get my monk haircut, I noticed a cop turn on his light bar so he didn't have to wait for a red light. As I was coming back to the Roach Motel, some taxi turned in front of me in an attempt to make it through the intersection before me. But, there were pedestrians crossing, so guess who ended up blocking my lane like a true moron? Guess who had to open up Lou's School of Etiquette? It is these little things that are probably causing everyone to lose it. Why don't people get it? It can only be the sinister force. It has possessed them all like voodoo. My homey Skip calls it the "Center of the Universe" theory. He feels that people believe that they are at the center of the universe (perhaps their own), and that is why they believe others are there to serve their needs. It is little wonder that I am beginning to feel like the Michael Douglas character in the movie Falling Down.

The Dream Team will be out on the town tonight! You parents ... do you know where your daughters are? Eric said that he is going to the Grad first, but The Bull didn't want to go there. I asked The Bull why he didn't want to tag team at the Grad ...
 

"I don't want another incident like last time," he said.

"What incident?"

"I don't want some woman following me all over town."
 
"Wait a minute. I thought she followed both you guys."

"No, it was me."
 

Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. The Bull is definitely the babe magnet of the Dream Team. He doesn't like it when babes follow him around, but it's okay when they get freaky with him on the dance floor at Mango's. Sheesh!

This left me with no recourse but to contact The Master. Yes, if anyone knows best, it's The Master. As you recall, the last time we talked with The Master, he had doubts about the whole situation. Well, fortunately things have worked themselves out. The Master said that reality has filtered through and now he knows that nothing can be done, so the Hermitage will continue on! It's times like this that make one thankful for the little things! On that note, I'd like to thank a few people ... jsilvestro@epsilon.com for pointing out that Star Trek has used the term "flux capacitor," kevinj@seanet.com for suggesting liquid nitrogen instead of chicken broth for head soaking, and mirage@nacpc2.tamu.edu for checking in on the ol' eunuch!

I woke up this morning and went to put the tattered car cover on my six-four. I noticed that the hood was ajar. Somebody had been in there. I couldn't see anything missing, but there was mud all over. There are several break-ins every night of the week in the Roach Motel parking lot. There is supposed to be a security team on duty, but let's face it, the only thing being secured is the coffee machine. Things are really getting bad these days. Crime seems to be the only area of high employment. In a way, the mendicant lifestyle of a monk is fitting for these times. It is also safer. I need to turn my six-four into a big Taser. When some clown tries to break in, he will get the shock of his life. You know, if I went outside and saw the clown laying on the ground next to my six-four, I would laugh my fool head off and kick him repeatedly before rolling him in the creek. Then, I would forgive him. Well, hey! I'm a forgiving monk!

Well, I lapsed into a coma for most of the day, so I was able to log some seclusion time. Later, Tom and I went over to Steph's place. We had dinner at the Golden China, and went back to Steph's place to work on her computer. As usual, the cheesy MacTCP and InterSLIP didn't work right. What does it take? I didn't have any problems with Winsock. I am beginning to think that I am even lousy at being a computer nerd. Sheesh! On the way home, we passed Mango's and it was packed. It looked like a real babefest tonight so we can assume that The Bull was there tearin' it up!

I should have known better than to berate MacTCP and InterSLIP as there are many Apple fans out there. I use Windows but I must confess that I cringe every time I play Windows Solitaire because I realize that, as I do, Bill Gates is laughing all the way to the bank. My apologies to all, and to karl@shore.net! In actuality, it was not the fault of MacTCP or InterSLIP. It is the cheesy script someone wrote. I will get to the bottom of it sooner or later.

I ran into one of the old A-Team members, Kurt, at the store. We go back a long way. In fact, the Master and I used to be part of the B-Team (Three of us broke off from the main gang when they went babe crazy). Some things never change. As we were chatting, Kurt brought up that his best friend Doug was killed in a freak car accident last year during the floods here. I remembered hearing about the incident, but I did not know it was Doug. It felt very strange as I thought about those days we all used to hang out, and now he is no longer with us.

The magazine that will feature the short interview with the ol' eunuch sent me a disposable camera. Since the Airborne Express people did not leave me a notice, I got it two days after it arrived. Is it my invisibility, or what? And, why have overnight delivery if I don't know that the package arrived? I have reservations about sending pictures of the oversized cranium for publication. One reason is the oversized cranium. Is the lens a wide angle to get the whole head in the frame? There is also the disappointment of seeing some geek, and then having to associate that geek with some obscure writings. Sheesh!

Since I didn't have an incident at the store last night that required opening Lou's School of Etiquette, I decided to celebrate by buying four of those Tina's frozen burritos. For about a dollar I had a lavish feast last night that not only insured that I got 100 percent RDA of saturated fat but also gave me the sense that I was both frugal and foolish. I almost needed some Toilet Duck to wash it down. Mind you now, those are good burritos, just don't eat more than one a year.
 

I met up with my homey Mateo at Avenues for lunch, although I didn't have anything to eat there. We sat around and talked computer nerd stuff. Then, it was off to work on the book. I went to the gym later but I should have stayed home as I was tired. I was taking twenty minutes between sets. Well, that was mostly due to everyone coming by to talk, rather than my own fatigue. The Bull said that he had a slow weekend. Eric, The Bull and another of Eric's buddies went out on Friday night. Eric and his buddy got real hammered, but The Bull was the designated driver so he didn't drink. The Bull told me that Kathleen is single again. That explained why the Bishop has been hovering around her again. The Bull, however, said that he was no longer interested in her just like he isn't interested in Tam. Sometimes one really has to wonder what is going on out there. I really have no idea why people are pairing up and for what reason. I don't know why most guys chase babes except to score. To listen to them talk, it is as if the babes just get in the way after the wild thing. The babes complain about the guys playing around on them, but they don't have the sense to find someone worthwhile. The problem can be summed up in one word ... excitement. Everyone wants excitement, but they want someone else to provide it. One pays the price for excitement because stability is not a part of impulsivity. Stability is too boring until someone gets dumped. The Idiots Next Door are the epitome of stability. They eat a lot. They go to bed at 9pm. They lead a boring life, but there are no heartbreaks there. Which life is better? I don't know. You tell me.

The problem can be summed up in one word... excitement. Everyone wants excitement, but they want someone else to provide it.

It was a long meeting last night with Bonnie and Caroll. I'm not sure whether it was the coffee or the conversation that kept me up all night. We were discussing our individual situations insofar as gainful employment was concerned. There is no doubt that it is bleak. But, these lamentations are starting to get to me. I don't know which I prefer ... my peers complaining about their so-called life, or my juniors talking about the babe situation incessantly. Speaking of which, I forgot to mention that The Bull was talking to Michelle about his "buns of steel," and she grabbed them right there in the middle of the gym to see if that was true. I asked for her testimonial and she confirmed that The Bull does have "buns of steel." Well, hey! He's The Bull of Steel!

I don't know why but the guys at the gym are always coming up to tell me something about babes all the time. It is like they see some babe that make them want to lose it and then they tell me about it. This must be some kind of confessional. Even Big Don was talking to me about relationships, something entirely out of the norm. He was giving me some words of wisdom, although as a monk, what would I do with that? It made me think, though. I realized that I am definitely cut out for the monk life. I like being alone, especially at night. I have no trouble keeping myself company. People like The Master and I are too used to living by ourselves. We could never have any babes because it would be impossible to tolerate the ambient noise. Babes need a lot of attention, too. The Immaculate Roach and the Hermitage are just not conducive to babe pampering.

Sometimes I have to wonder. I started the book about a few weeks ago and now I can't seem to stop working on it. Why couldn't I have done this before instead of sitting around with my Toilet Duck? In fact, I have about ten things that I need to do by the end of the month. They have been sitting on the loser's dresser and stacked in priority. The only thing I did with them was rearrange the priorities every few days. Now, as the deadlines are approaching, I am cranking them out. It's not laziness. A lot of these projects involved writing and I just couldn't come up with anything to write. Ironic, isn't it? ... especially if you consider the amount of diatribe I put in here. Sheesh!

Is it cabin fever or what? BigFoot^tm has been traversing the "ranch" lately in a fashion reminiscent of my old pal, Loser. He is up to about 20 minutes per session and it is that all too familiar back and forth nonsense. He must not be in pacing shape as he takes long breaks. Soon he might be able to go for hours on end. Lord have mercy! The Idiot's dog, Fido, has been barking for hours everyday, too. Poor Fido. I think he has only been out of that shoebox a total of three hours since the Idiots moved in back in September. I am just waiting for the day Fido goes on a rampage and takes it out on his imbecilic owners. It's too bad I can't take the outlet wall plate off and feed Fido some Milk Bones and train him to kill. I'd have him go off when he hears my Dogg Pound Emergency Rap CD! Isn't that fitting? When the slammin' soirée starts up, I just put on Dogg Pound. Then, imagine, if you will, me giggling my ass off as I hear assorted growls and screams. Throw in a few thuds, too. It's a good thing I'm a monk now. Those thoughts never cross my mind.

The rotund Mrs. Idiot came home from her job working at some burger joint and slammed the shower door into my wall a few times. You know, I can't help that she's not a babe. I'd like to go over and tell her how much she resembles a large Paddington Bear (in shape), but I am a monk. All I can say is that Mrs. Idiot may not be so fortunate to have a monk as her neighbor in the future. When she slams the shower door into the wall deliberately, she may end up meeting her maker (or the makers of Paddington Bear).

Sometimes I can take just about anything, and other times I could use an ax and splinter everything in sight. The Bull has not worked out in weeks. He is at the gym but it is now for the sole purpose of meeting more babes. He doesn't need to work out. He has the most perfect physique in the gym. He has been coming in late on Wednesdays and it is fairly obvious why. Tam teaches the 6:30pm class. The Bull has been telling everyone that he hates Tam, but he was pacing around for about an hour for no apparent reason. He seemed to be waiting for someone else he knows to go in to Tam's class so that it wouldn't look like what it was ... in other words, he has the hots for Tam. Finally, the weatherman's babe, Rachel, showed up. The Bull adamantly denies any feelings for Tam but his actions betray him. He had a thing for her for nine months. I don't think he's over her yet.

I really hope that the book turns out. I also hope that I can publish these journals in some kind of compendium. Then, I would build a monastery somewhere. It will have "No Talking" signs everywhere. I'd live there as a single, celibate monk. Of course, friends would be free to come and visit and stay as long as they want. It's about the only dream that keeps me going.

It looks like the time has come to wind down the season. But, it's only January, you say. I didn't realize that my tirades have already produced yet another voluminous work. Only LoserNet is capable of having six seasons in a year. Sheesh! Speaking of this voluminous work, many thanks to FrostbiteX@aol.com for writing in.

I happened to run into Steph at the library today around 11:30am. We talked for about two hours. I learned of more details about my homey Tom and his attempts to woo her. I had thought that Tom gave up on baby, but apparently not. He just went undercover instead. That appears to be the modus operandi these days. The stupid part is that the more undercover one tries to go, the more public it becomes. Sheesh! On the subject of babes, I had a babe e-mail me today and tell me that this Web site was "very disturbing." It is very odd that the few babes that have ventured into this site have been very dismayed by it. From what they write, it sounds like I am the producer of the lowest form of scum and debauchery around. Move over, Al Goldstein! There's a new smut king in town! Soon, one of them is going to call the cops on me and claim that I caused her emotional distress when she read these pages. Do you see why I am a celibate monk?

With that said, I think I am going into seclusion for the rest of the day. I am fatigued and, being the new king of smut, I had better get some rest, for tomorrow who knows what kind of debauchery will spew forth from my evil mind. I might discuss the ever sinful Bush's baked beans. Or, I may use the new <voodoo> html tag. That's right, when you read these evil pages you will be put under the ol' eunuch's spell. Then, you will know exactly what I mean by "Voodoo Chicken."

I can't say that I'm refreshed because of my brief seclusion yesterday. Maybe I should consider the suggestion forwarded to me by FrostbiteX@aol.com and matriculate into a prison. I'd probably have some guy named Moose pacing around in the cell above me. At least I won't be paying $500+ per month rent as I do here. I pay good money to listen to Loser and now BigFoot^tm pacing. BigFoot^tm had another hoe-down last night. The pipes in the boiler room next to me have been making intermittent pounding noises and BigFoot^tm's buddies thought it was me pounding on the wall. They were out on the balcony yelling and hitting the rails. Too bad they didn't come down here and try to pummel the ol' eunuch. Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaa!

I didn't make it to the gym last night, and so I missed Myki's aerobics baby shower. The Bull and the Cardinal both went. After that Eric, The Bull and the Cardinal went downtown to Woodstock's for pizza. They said they tried to call me. Since my phone is not plugged in, I don't get any calls. The Cardinal mentioned that Eric is getting tired of The Bull always pointing out how the babes are checking him out. Apparently, The Bull is constantly telling Eric, "See that babe over there. She's looking at me." Even Eric's friends were commenting about it. Then, The Bull also told Eric that Tam was really checking him out on Wednesday when he took her class. The Bull and Eric are supposedly going to be tearin' it up at the Grad tonight. I'm sure that the Grad is only the first stop in the itinerary.

Big Don has invited some of us over for Super Bowl Sunday so that should be entertaining. He has also been really giving me the hard sell for Matt's big ski trip next weekend. I told him that I was undecided yet because of finances and the prospect of riding in the same car with The Bull for several hours. The Cardinal, The Bull and I are riding with Matt supposedly. Naturally, I'll have plenty to write about but is it worth losing my sanity?

To top off the pure excitement, Tom and I ended up downtown at Starbuck's for coffee. We stopped in at Barnes & Noble for a minute because I had to look for HomePC Sneek Peeks, a CD-ROM designed by my homey Skip. It was a babefest tonight. I think Tom and I are starting to look out of place, like two old guys with nowhere to go. It certainly beats the slammin' soirée, though. As I drove back in my six-four, I passed by Mango's and it was packed, mostly with babes. So, I am sure that the Dream Team was in da house! The question is ... how many hearts did The Bull break tonight? Sheesh!

I had some pathetic dream last night that may have been the result of drinking too much coffee. As I recall, I was standing around doing my monk thing when some goon came over. He grabbed my limp wrist and started torquing it. Although I was in deep pain, I quickly swung around and twisted the goon's arm and snapped it at the elbow. I kicked his legs out from under him. He fell flat on his face. Then, I kicked his head several times as hard as could while laughing uncontrollably. In fact, I woke up laughing. I realized that I crossed the line as no monk would dare entertain such a sinister dream, no less find it humorous. After I woke up and had my morning coffee, I inflicted forty lashes upon myself with my belt for penitence.

I ended up at the gym today, although I did not feel like going. Eric was there so I took the opportunity to confirm what the Cardinal had told me yesterday. Yes, The Bull has been telling everyone about how the babes are checking him out. Eric said that it wouldn't be so bad but The Bull would be in the club telling them, and babes who are standing around happen to hear that and give all of them a funny look. Eric also mentioned that he and a few friends were at Mango's last night when The Bull paged him. He called The Bull and told him to meet them there. The wait to get in was so long that when The Bull got in, Eric and his buddies wanted to go to Mother's Tavern. The Bull didn't want to go since he met a few babes in line, so Eric and his buddies left. No one has seen or heard from The Bull since. The Cardinal and I went to all-you-can-eat Chinese again. The Bull was supposed to be there but he didn't show. I stopped by Tom's place on the way home. Tom has gotten into the cable mode. So, we talked for a few minutes and then I knew the Roach Motel was calling me to come back. But, for what?

My mind is really playing tricks on me these days. I went to the library at noon, but it did not open until 1pm. You know, I knew it opened at 1pm. So, why did I go there at noon? This seems to be happening with increasing frequency. There are two possibilities. One, I could be experiencing pre-senile symptoms. Or two, I may be in such a hurry to get out of the Roach Motel before the slammin soirée starts up. Last week, I was sitting in the kitchen of the Immaculate Roach eating my lunch when Mrs. Idiot came home. She slammed the damned shower door into the wall so hard that I jumped. As I swallowed my food, it somehow would not go down. I believe that the reflexive rage caused so much tension that it stopped my digestive functions. I was in such severe pain that I thought I may have had to apply the Heimlich on myself.

How 'bout those Steelers, huh? Huh! I went over to Big Don's Superbowl extravaganza. We had Ditka, Gibbs and The Bull giving us a running narration of what was going on. You can get Ditka and Gibbs anytime, but The Bull ... he'll tell it to you like it is! And, The Bull makes the Dallas line look like a bunch of dwarfs. After that, we watched Species. The Bull commented that the babe in that movie is exactly what he is looking for, and folks, believe me he could get that! I told Don that he was sitting next to a legend. I asked him where his camera was so we could take a picture. Well, hey! It was a Kodak moment! Don tried to give me the hard sell again for this weekend's ski trip. How can I afford the trip when all I can afford to eat is Bush's baked beans? Sheesh!

I just realized today that I am a very unexciting guy. Last night, The Bull and Big Don were talking about going sky diving sometime. Other people go bungee jumping or whitewater rafting. But, the ol' eunuch is just content sitting in the Roach Motel in front of his beloved computer. Excitement to me is formatting a disk, and I like it that way. Too much excitement can easily lead to boredom and anxiety during slow times. And, there are plenty of slow times. The insatiable need for any kind of excitement is also a need to be entertained. Soon, it all gets boring, and like a drug, it requires higher dosages for any effect. That's why I have to eat Bush's baked beans everyday. Imagine how delighted I am when I can have a Whopper (my way) at Burger King. But, then again, I am a geek, so what can you expect?

There are some advantages to being a geek, though. I certainly do not have to worry about babes giving me any play, like what happens to The Bull. It must be quite a nuisance to have drop-dead gorgeous babes giving him so much attention all the time. And, think of the extreme fatigue that he must experience from being shared by a variety of babes at the same time. That is the legend that is The Bull. In fact, he had his wares on display today so it was not hard to tell where he was in the gym. All one had to do was look for a group of babes huddling and there he was! The Bull took Yalda's class and he took my usual spot in the back. It was the only spot close to Jennifer, one of the babes he has recently taken a liking to. So, I did not take the class today. Baby was actually two rows in front of The Bull but she traded steps with the babe behind her to be closer to The Bull. Dweebs do not experience this sort of phenomena. I can't say whether formatting a disk comes close to having babes, but at least I know I have a lot of disks.

You know, I come home at 10pm and I'm tired, and BigFoot^tm comes home with his chewin' tobaccy buddy for a hoe-down. Then, it's time to throw the farm implements around the room. I guess he really is a jackass, just like everyone else in this dump. I can see why we are going to hell in a handbasket. It kind of reminds me of my drive home from the gym earlier. There were two idiots rollerblading in the bike lane and part of the car lane, two other idiots biking with no lights, and two more idiots standing out in the middle of the road trying to cross the street. It was dark and it is also one of the busiest main streets (where people drive in excess of 45mph). When I really see this much stupidity, it has to make me wonder why I am not rich. I mean, after all, these fools would probably buy anything. I could probably sell all of them an invisible brain for $9.99 ... What a deal!

What can I say about how the day started? Two words ... slammin' soirée. In fact, it was extremely obvious that this was not the usual slammin' soirée. It only leads me to believe that The Idiots thought that I was making all that noise when BigFoot^tm and his buddy were chucking the farm implements around. That is the kind of stupid tunnel vision that is making violence a household word. I should have reacted but I have realized that all it does is add fuel to the fire. When people are compressed into a shoebox stack like the Roach Motel and they believe they can still do whatever they want, then we have chaos. That eventually leads to anarchy. Then, we all walk in silent hatred of each other until the "big one."

The Roach Motel management called me today, just as I plugged my phone in. The person on he line asked if I was planning to renew my lease for next year. Baha! Ha! Haaa! Are you kidding? Even as I wrote this tonight, BigFoot^tm and one of his chewin' tobaccy buddies were throwing around some farm implements in the corral. They were a little feisty tonight, so I suspect they might have been up at the swine unit squealin' some pigs. Sheesh!

I went to the gym and did about five minutes on the Gripper. I was going to take the step class but it started on time for once so I was too late. The Bull was up to his old tricks. He definitely has his eyes on that babe Jennifer, who was in front of him in Yalda's class yesterday. He went over to talk to her. My homey Ron happened to be close by and overheard the conversation. The Bull doesn't waste time pampering babes. He just went up to baby and asked her out. The Bull told me that baby is going to go out with him. She will also be dumping her boyfriend for him. Well, hey! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity! Speaking of opportunity, I guess my opportunity to become The Bull's boy came up as he called me his "shadow" today. I am deeply honored. Ron said that he noticed that The Bull has "become very brazen" in his attitude about himself. I told him that if it was anyone else but The Bull, it would be pure conceit. With The Bull, it is pure fact.

That's why I am ready to hit the monk trail. The boys have been working overtime to get me to go on this weekend's trip, but I am going to pass. After I heard all the stud plans for the lodge, I said forget it. Then, Matt told me that there may be some babes going. I have nothing to do with this babe situation. In fact, I was going to do some StairMaster time, but I couldn't because there would have been some babes next to me. I am a loser. Speaking of losers, I think BigFoot^tm may be filling Loser's shoes soon. He put in a good twenty-minute session tonight non-stop (when his hoe-down buddies went out to get the brewskis, I assume). Finally, thanks to John_E.._Daley.ZIFF-DAVIS@mail.zd.com for writing in!

This is the last day of this half of the season. And, it's time to look at more stupidity. The Idiot's phone had been ringing constantly since 9am, with the answering machine going off each time. I knew that Mr. Idiot was home because I could hear him coughing at his desk like he does every morning. Why doesn't he buy some Riccola already? The answering machine is on so loud that I know it is Mrs. Idiot. She gives him a wake up call every morning from the burger joint she works at. Is Mr. Idiot tired of Mrs. Idiot? BigFoot^tm got in another 20 minutes of pacing, and then he made a 15 minute phone call, followed by the tube. Are we seeing the metamorphosis of a new Loser? As I sat here this morning drinking my coffee made with my (still) broken French Press, I could not help but ponder what life will be like once I move on. The clock is ticking, and I need to make preparations.

I almost wished that I stayed home instead of going to the gym. I did a workout today, and also took a class ... Tam's class. The Bull said that he wasn't going to Tam class but he did because his new babe, Jennifer, was there. The Bull said that she usually takes the early class but he told her yesterday that he was taking Tam's 6:30 class. I asked The Bull if this was kind of a test to see if she is interested in him. He said she passed with flying colors. The Cardinal and I went in the class, and The Bull made his entrance later. I was in my usual spot which happened to be behind his babe. She did not seem too pleased that I was there. The Bull spent an unusual amount of time walking by her to go to the water fountain during the class. After the class, The Bull followed her out. I talked to The Bull later and asked if he thought he could win her over. He said, "Oh yeah, it would be easy." I also asked The Bull about Tam and he said that she isn't talking to him anymore (since last Wednesday in Tam's class when he was playing footsy with both the weatherman's babe Rachel, and Coleena). The Bull wanted to eat at CJ's for dinner so I agreed to meet him. I went over there. After waiting fifteen minutes, I left because I assumed The Bull ended up talking to more of his babes.

That is why I am almost looking forward to my gym membership ending. I noticed tonight, too, that all the guys are really hamming it up for the babes. They are all spreading their wings and, frankly, it is all very tiring. I find that I have to get out of their way when they come soaring around and circling their prey like vultures. Ironically, the babes seem to enjoy this immensely. So, I am definitely ready to launch into the monk years.

The season continues with more incessant ramblings from the guy babes call "disturbed." How can they say that? They don't even know him! Join him as he makes preparations for the journey to computer nirvana, in Eunuchs or UNIX: The Monk Years.

Welcome Back 42-Year-Old Virgin!

Starring:
The 42-Year-Old Virgin ... Tralfaz
The Bull ... Himself
The Cardinal ... Himself
The Bishop ... Himself
And a cast of thousands!

Original Soundtrack by Kool G. Monk
and
The Gregorian Monks of Solesme

Presented by 41-Now-42-Year-Old Virgin Productions/WebPartners in association with Chez Loser and House of Loser.

©Copyright 1995 by the 42-Year-Old Virgin. 
LoserNet^tm Love It, or Lose It.