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		Was the return to the homeland at all what The Keeper expected? Or, has the sinister kahuna been planning even bigger surprises for the ol' lavahead? Follow the misadventures of The Keeper as he continues the search to find absolutely nothing!

New Year's Day 1997

It is the start of a new year. Hard to believe, isn't it? I had a little scare last night with my own computer. I tried to exit Windows and all that happened was my hard drive just kept going. I thought that there was a virus for sure. It turned out that my backup file allocation table was corrupted. Strange things. Even stranger was how my free disk space increased by 500k and I had not deleted anything. Well, the computer still works today, but I may need an updated virus scanner. Baby got up early this morning and did her e-mail thing. I played with my beloved, albeit non-ringing, cell phone. I was a little groggy because the loser living downstairs (sounds like the makings of a new story, eh?) was outside at 3am talking at the top his lungs about his damned wallet. Apparently, my brain donor buddy was drunk and misplaced it.

The sun came out today, which made for a pleasant day. Back in Hawai'i, ushering in the new year is a big event. Family and friends will all be getting together. Moms called and we talked for a while. She mentioned that one of the neighbors will be making Huli-Huli Pig (a rotisserie version of Kalua Pig). I also talked to my bro. He gave me a possible lead on a job. Moms also told me that Caroll had called there twice and my homeys Rod, JD and Whop also called. I was sorry to have missed those calls. I think that hearing from the old gym gang has also made me keenly aware that I have not done any male bonding in a while with the exception of the short time I spent with my bro. Many guys just don't like to keep in touch. It's a macho thing. Baby and I decided to get out of the house. Of course, it started raining immediately. We drove to Incredible Universe. Baby had heard that it was going out of business. It turns out that Fry's Electronics is buying it out. That wasn't much fun for me since my eyes were crusted over from lack of sleep. We then drove to Powell's City of Books. We sold three books and got a whopping $14! Just call me Big Bank Hank! That bought a couple of Whoppers (our way, of course) and Chinese take-out from the Safeway deli. Are we livin' large or what? Well, that's the way we kicked in the new year. I trust that you had a good New Year's Day (if you celebrated it), and I look forward to another great LoserNet year!

The highlight of the day was a broken water main that left the whole apartment complex without water for a few hours. Baby and I went to the gym to workout to kill some time. When we came back, we attempted to make dinner with the only water we had, the equivalent of one cup's worth. Apparently, that was not enough water to make the rice. I was tempted to put a pan outside to collect some rain water. We eventually found more water in a bottle in the refrigerator and put it in the rice to simmer. We went down to the clubhouse to watch Star Trek: DSN and came back to eat dinner. The water was still not running, so we gathered up all of our bath stuff and went back to the gym to take a shower and brush our teeth. When we got there, we realized that we had forgotten out towels. Fortunately, the staff was sympathetic and gave us towels to use. I also brought our water bottles to fill up. When we returned home, the water had just been turned on. Well, at least we were able to have our late night cups of hot water with granola.

Well, it's time for my cell phone update ... still no calls! Sheesh! Thanks to Annabelle (annabell@pjmi.knaw.nl) for sending the ol' lavahead a virtual New Year's card. Also, I was very glad to hear from my virtual homey Robert (RBryant@mci2000.com) who I had not heard from in a while. Finally, thanks to my homey John (jdangelis@gnn.com) for telling me that The Keeper's journals have been awarded the Magellan 3-Star rating. Ho boy!

Today was actually a very nice day, since the sun was out. Baby and I spent a good portion of the day in the computer room, though. I helped her work on her Web journals. Yes, the new and improved version will be out very soon, so watch for it! I have to admit that I am still in a funk. The new year has commenced and I am no further along in life than I was one year ago. I am actually further behind, at least financially. That brings me to today's cell phone update ... no calls! Is the damned thing working or what? I received a letter from Epson concerning the rebate I was supposed to get. I called the Customer Relations hotline as directed and the representative put a conference call through with the rebate fulfillment center. I was able to get the whole matter resolved in a few minutes.

I think baby has been having second thoughts about moving to Hawai'i. I don't blame her. She would experience the same thing I did when I came up here. I was (and still am) a stranger in a strange land. It is not easy to give up certainty for uncertainty. I should know. I have had to experience that uncertainty again when I moved everything to Hawai'i. Perhaps that is why I came back here. I didn't want to deal with that feeling again so soon after first leaving Convalescent City and then leaving Oregon. You can run, but you can't hide. On the other hand, I have been experiencing greater anxiety. I feel that I should be back in Hawai'i. I didn't give it enough time. I know that I can only do a mediocre job hunt from here, too. And, I am not doing baby any favors by being "in a funk" (as Steph would say) all the time. I need to take a good hard look at what I am doing.

Fodgers and doughnuts! This morning, I had to brew the Fodgers. Or, at least, I was elected to do so because the person that usually does that had forgotten to. The old guy (who usually is in there) was there. He was talking to Mel, one of baby's friends (who is also from Hawai'i). The old guy was in tears. I could not help but join in the conversation. Apparently, he will be going in for heart surgery next week. That explained why he has been quite sullen in the last few weeks. Mel gave him her phone number because she wants him to call her when he is discharged from the hospital. He sounded very scared about the operation, and it appeared that he was not certain whether his son would be able to help him out. I also learned that he moved here after selling the family farm of 75 years. His wife was now in a convalescent home because she suffers from Alzheimer's disease. I could easily guess why he was living in this apartment complex. His wife was probably a resident of the convalescent home just a few blocks away. The old guy ... his name is Byron ... was in and out of the clubhouse most of the morning. It seemed as though he was looking for companionship. No one really seemed to have the time for him. Ironic isn't it? So many people everywhere and no one has any time to give to a lonely old man.

I took my beloved computer down to the clubhouse to do some work in the mid-afternoon. I stationed myself in the tube lounge, just in case the old guy came in. I was in there for a couple of hours. Just when I was about to leave, the old guy came in. I talked to him briefly. Baby and I had to pick up some granola at Trader Joe's. We went to Burger King for a late lunch (Whoppers, our way!). Then, we drove to the airport to meet Kevin (voyager@seanet.com). He was flying in from Las Vegas and stopping in Portland to make a connecting flight to Seattle. His flight was delayed by almost an hour. Baby and I walked around the airport to kill some time. We met up with Kevin and went to Wendy's to eat. Unfortunately, there was no Burger King in the terminal. We spent a few minutes chatting and walked with Kevin back to the gate. Check-in was chaotic. The delayed flight had caused a lot of confusion. Fortunately, Kevin was able to board and he winged his way back to Seattle just in time to feed Lord Watson (his cat). Sheesh!

I have been extremely stressed out these last two days. I don't know if it is because of three nights of extremely strange dreams. Last night, I dreamed that Big John wanted to use my credit card to check my cousin, Greg, into the hospital. Ho boy! I do believe that the time has come for me to return to Hawai'i, though. I am not doing anyone any favors here, especially baby. She must put up with the by-products of my increasing anxiety over an increasingly hopeless situation. I am sure that her patience is wearing thin. I thought that I could take care of everything in Hawai'i in absentia, but I was fooling myself. In retrospect, that was a totally irresponsible act on my part. After all, responsibility does not seem to be my forté. In addition, almost everything baby does is getting on my nerves now, and I am not going to be able to control the growing resentment. I surmise that, if things don't make a turn for the better, I will advise her not to move to Hawai'i. Nothing good can come out a bad situation, especially when both of us will be in dire straits.

I didn't have to brew the Fodgers this morning, thank goodness. I was able to get some pure robusta juice and wash down a few doughnut holes with it. The old guy was there, and I talked to him briefly. The day could be characterized as uneventful at best. I suppose that beats a catastrophic day battling the sinister force, eh? I have tried to refrain from thinking about any topic that I could consider distressing. I did not want to bias any decision negatively, what with the way I have been feeling lately. Sometimes it is just best to give the mind a rest. Unfortunately, that requires total peace and quiet. I did find some solace in watching Star Trek: Voyager this evening. Tuvoc disclosed that he had once taken a long hiatus from the Federation to go into seclusion. Tuvoc tends to remind me of myself. He seems to closely follow my own tormented life as I, too, have privately sought out the nature of logic and self-control. I guess that it would be nice to be able to go to another planet to seek seclusion. However, that option may not be a reality even in the next millennium. I am fascinated by the emotionless existence of characters like Tuvoc and Data, perhaps by my own desire to ease the pain of normal existence.

I spent most of the day (and night) on the computer. Well, hey! I'm a computer nerd. I have been helping baby in revising her Web pages. We did quite a bit of work on the computer in the clubhouse, but the computer monitor decided to retire permanently while we were in the middle of a spell check operation. Baby had taken a short hiatus from updating her material, mainly because I was here. I owe it to her to help her get everything on-line expeditiously.

Well, it's time for the cell phone update! Guess what? The phone has not rung yet. Wait! I take that back. Kevin called me with his cellular phone while we were all eating in Wendy's at the airport. The people at the next table looked at us like we were nuts. Sheesh! At least I know that my phone is still working. On the down side, that means I am not on anyone's high priority list for recruitment. What really makes me want to lose it is how long it takes those duffers to send out slam letters. It is bad enough to be demoralized by being told one is worthless, but the lengthy delay in notification is the equivalent of kicking a man when he's down.

Today was not very productive. The employment queries that I needed to submit four days ago are still not done. At least I am conserving paper! Baby and I decided to eat lunch at Burger King (Whoppers, our way!). On our way out, we saw the old guy walking around the block. We waved to him. He seemed in better spirits. You know, there is nothing like a Whopper. Even when the going gets tough, a Whopper my way makes life worth living! Later, when baby's daughter came home from school, we all went down to the clubhouse to watch The Tick on Comedy Central. Then, we left for JC Penny in Washington Square Mall. Baby fitted a dress for her friend's upcoming wedding. Baby's daughter and I looked at the Barbie Collection on display. Some of the dolls in that series cost up to $200! Amazing as it may seem, Barbie Doll Heather (the alleged stalking "victim") does look like Barbie. We also went to the Good Guys store. Batman Forever was playing in the Home Theater room, so we watched it. I found the movie very entertaining. I think that these new Home Theater systems do movies more justice than actual theaters. To top off the evening, baby and I continued the work on her Web journal.

Thanks to michael_bobby@icpphil.navy.mil and Annie for writing in! There has been a lot of supportive e-mail, and we really appreciate it. Unfortunately, I must Telnet to my account from here, and the delays can be somewhat time consuming. Therefore, I am not able to respond to e-mail as much as I would like to. Please know that I am always glad to hear from everyone. Hopefully, when LoserNet locates a new ISP, everything will return to some semblance of order. Sheesh!

Another unproductive day ... no calls on my beloved cell phone, and no mail. I finally finished my employment queries, but I still need to laser print them at Kinko's. Today is also the official end of the so-called "blackout" period (heavy tourist traffic) for flights to and from Hawai'i. Baby and I finished revising her Web journals. The revised copy has been uploaded and the latest chapter will commence soon. We have not worked on the novel manuscript since printing out the draft copy, although we had vowed to work on it daily. Baby had some things to take to her frniend's consignment shop. She returned a little too late for us to watch The Tick. However, we did watch Star Trek: Voyager. That should go without saying. I always need my Star Trek fix!

We were reading the competitor's journal last night. The competitor alluded to being the first person to put a journal on the Web. The competitor contends that innovators always spawn a slew of imitators, usually of inferior quality. I can only hope that LoserNet is lumped into that category. Well, hey! That's why it's called LoserNet!

Another day, another dollar ... short. Today was a busy day. Baby and I went to the gym early, and we had lunch at Burger King (Whoppers, our way!) afterward. I noticed a small sign at the front counter with tear-away forms similar to the usual free trial gym membership solicitations. It turned out to be Burger King employment applications. All it asked for was the applicant's name, address, phone, and hours available for work. Do you see why I love Burger King? Then, we were off to Kinko's to print my cover letters. Then, we drove to Office Depot to pick up a ribbon cartridge for baby's typewriter. She bought it mainly so I could type the envelopes for those useless employment queries I have been sending out. We also did the usual food shopping circuit commencing with Trader Joe's. Gotta love that granola! And, we always make time to watch Rocko's Modern Life and The Tick! The Tick is a riot! Can you see the Chris "Get a Life" Elliot mentality of the ol' lavahead? After a nice dinner, we did a little cardio workout in the clubhouse while watching Star Trek: DSN. Unfortunately, that was cut short when the circuit breaker blew. Of course, my beloved cell phone did not ring at all. What else is new? I am beginning to see how excruciatingly painful it must be for all the babes who sit and wait endlessly for The Bull to call. Sheesh! Baby called Mel to find out about the old guy. He checked in to the hospital today. I surmise that his surgery will be sometime tomorrow.

Baby's excitement about moving to Hawai'i continues to gain momentum. Moms has already offered her a place to stay while she tries to get settled. I am a bit more reserved in my opinion concerning this matter. I mean, look how many job offers I've had! Baby will probably be able fare much better than the ol' lavahead. She will also make friends much quicker than I. Babes seem to be able to do that. I still have not decided when I should return to Hawai'i. I have much to do, like fixing my six-four before baby's visit this Spring. Otherwise, we will be taking the bus everywhere. Ho boy!

Sometimes I think that I am getting on my own nerves. My own eccentricity is driving me nuts. And, sometimes I think that I am a walking time bomb ready to off. One reason may be that I have not received any mail for over a week. So, baby and I went to the Egghead Surplus store for a diversion. I found a mouse for less than $4! There were many other bargains, but I was denied by my own poverty. We went to gym for a short workout, although my heart was not really in it. I finally did get some mail from moms. The package with my forwarded mail was four days late. I have not received any slam letters as yet. I guess I should be thankful, not that it means anything positive.

My own eccentricity is driving me nuts.

Well, my beloved cell phone has still not rung, so I guess it's time for today's Pidgin English lesson. Yep, Pidgin is the official language of Hawai'i. Okay, repeat after me ... Ho! Da buggah! This phrase is used when someone (usually a duffer) gets you upset. In describing what the fool did, you start off by saying, "Ho! Da Buggah!" As a kid, I used to watch Lippy Espinda's Pidgin English Theater. Lippy was a used car dealer who hosted a weekly tube matinée. During the breaks, he spoke Pidgin English! Sheesh!

I was surprised that I even got up for Fodgers and doughnuts this morning. I was extremely groggy. The day really didn't get much better. Baby had a lot of errands to run, so I went along. Most of it was food shopping. Moms forwarded one of my manuscripts that finally came back. In the envelope was my first slam letter from Andrews & McMeel. I was surprised that I didn't explode, but I actually felt nothing. I just hope that I don't have an avalanche of slam letters next week. We went to the gym. I did absolutely nothing. On the way home, I suggested Chinese take-out for dinner. Somehow a misunderstanding ensued between baby and I, and things quickly got out of hand. We had a temporary truce and went out to dinner at Lyon's. Well, hey! Caroll works at Lyon's, so I know it has got to be good!

I am getting a little worried about my fragile mental state. Tonight, I may have gone over the edge. I don't feel any different, but I knew that something was wrong. Perhaps it was because I had not ate all day and I had drank a gallon of robusta juice (Fodgers). Or, it could be the aftershock of my slam letter. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to play with my new mouse. I just didn't want to be bothered. My pea-sized brain was flooded with input that made me completely resent and shun baby. Even after a nice meal, I felt no different. I installed my mouse. At first, it appeared that the plug didn't fit. I could feel the rage welling up. After some finagling, I finally plugged it in. Sheesh! Well, it's time for today's Pidgin English lesson. The word of the day is broke. Say what? That's right! Here's an example of its usage ... You like me broke yo' hand? Notice that there is no past, present, or future tense. It's all the same. That's the beauty of it!

I should have attributed my tirade last night to the sinister force, but I must take responsibility for my actions. I think that guys are susceptible to biological aberrations (as are babes). For guys, however, it's not hormonal. Being tanked on robusta juice all day on an empty stomach would make any guy explode at the drop of a hat. Speaking of robusta juice ... yep, Fodgers and doughnut holes! I just couldn't resist. Otherwise, today was an uneventful day, which isn't all together bad. Baby and I went to the gym, watched Star Trek, and ate tea cookies with hot tea. That only left my reading aloud of the competitor's journal while baby did her nails!

It's time for our Pidgin English lesson. The word of the day is junk. This is a universal word, if you have not guessed already. If you don't like something, just say, "Junk stuff," or the abridged version, "Junk." It can be used to answer just about any question, too. That is the kind of junk I have to come up with because my beloved cell phone has not rung yet. Sheesh!

The "Year of The Bull" postage stamps are in! That's right! These limited edition stamps (commissioned by The Bull, himself) are available now at your local Post Office. Ask for them by name. It was another no-phone-call kind-of-a-day, but all was not lost. Baby, her daughter and the oversized cranium went to Burger King for dinner and had ... you guessed it! Whoppers, our way! I actually feasted on two Whoppers and, frankly, I didn't give a damn whether the phone rang or not.

It's time again for our Pidgin English lesson. The phrase of the day is da kine. This is a universal phrase and can mean just about anything. If you want to know where someone is, just ask, "Where da kine at?" If you bought something at a store (the name of which you cannot remember), just say, "I got da kine at da kine" If something is really crummy, just say, "Junk da kine stuff. Throw 'em away!" Many thanks to fellow local boy JonnyX (jedaley@zd.com) for writing in and suggesting today's phrase.

I was left to my own devices for most of the day as baby had to drive out to Sandy. I have run out of things to do. Moms sent the Honolulu classifieds, and either there was nothing I qualified for or the filing deadlines have already passed. Redundant as it may seem, I have received no mail since last week and no calls on my beloved cell phone. The situation is becoming rather humorous. Get a clue, you say? Well, hey! I'm not the CEO of LoserNet for nothing! When it comes to losing, I wrote the book! Sheesh! I sent for an application to become a cop. That's right! I'm sending in my application to become one of Honolulu's finest (HPD). Book 'em, Danno!

The sky has been clear and blue (like it is in Cali) for four days now. Not exactly beach weather, though. I was left to my own devices again all day. Baby saw a client on her way out to Sandy, and she also had to visit a friend. She returned long enough so that we could watch Rocko's Modern Life. She then left for a meeting, but she made it back just in time for Star Trek: Voyager.

I must be running out of material to write. It's easy to see why. I have nothing to do. I know that I have lost control of my life because I am constantly waiting on something. I am completely at the mercy of other faceless people. I have empowered them to determine my destiny. Sometimes I have to laugh when I try to imagine the duffers who make the decisions for me. Maybe I should pay them a visit. I am sure that they are all puny like me, but at least I go to the gym. I'll wrap my twigs around their puny necks and ... err ... I mean, I'd beg for mercy. Sheesh!

In last night's episode of Star Trek, Ensign Kim sought out the wisdom of Tuvoc in order to "deconstruct the emotional complex." All I can say is that The Master would have been proud! However, Tuvoc realized that isolation and stoicism may have its own drawbacks in the form of loneliness. Speaking of which, the old guy (Byron) was most likely released from the hospital today. I had vowed to visit him, but I never did. What excuse do I have? You know, I detest hypocrisy, especially if I am the perpetrator.

Moms sent a package to me. When I removed the wrapping, I saw a "Donald Duck Carry Around Phone" box. Too bad moms did not send the phone. I can make that one ring! Moms sent some coffee and macadamia chocolates along with the classifieds. Burger King of Hawai'i is looking for hamburger engineers again! I also had a bunch of mail, including my first slam letter from a local bank in Hawai'i. I really need to become cop. I want to be Hawai'i's answer to Dirty Harry. How about if I call myself Dirty Kimo? Okay, okay. Back to reality. Baby and I had lunch at Burger King (Whoppers, our way!). I perused the premises as I ate my Whopper. After all, I may be a Burger King employee soon! Sheesh! I neglected to mention that baby and I partook of the Festival of the Baked Beans last night. It has been a long time since I tasted those delicious morsels of Bush's baked beans. There is something so redeeming about eating cold beans straight from the can. I am sure that Tuvoc would understand.

I forgot to mention that Mike (who took the armadillo pictures) wrote a short note. He said that he saw a picture of The Bull with his babe. The photo was taken at a Halloween bash. Mike could not tell what she looked like because she and The Bull were swappin' spit. Whoever this most fortunate babe is, let it be known that she is the most envied babe in the world. Sheesh! Baby called the hospital where the old guy had his operation and discovered that he was still there. According to the duty nurse, he suffered a mild stroke after the operation, and he is very depressed. No one has visited him yet. Hopefully, we will find time to do so.

Baby and I did not accomplish much today. Baby was not feeling very well. We had a late lunch at CJ's (the only one in Portland). Finally, it was another evening of hot tea and tea cookies.

It's obviously time for our Pidgin English lesson. The phrase of the day is slap his head. Its usage is self-explanatory ... "Next time da buggah do da kine, I slap his head!" Or, "Eh! You like me slap yo' head?"

I knew from the moment I got up that this was not going to be a very pleasant day. I was groggy, but I still made it down to Fodgers and doughnuts. The Fodgers was like mud, and I had two of those tiny doughnettes coated with that waxy brown stuff. I know it's not chocolate. Junk stuff. Baby had a few phone calls to make, so we really didn't do much all day. We drove into Portland to visit the old guy at the hospital. We were both apprehensive about dropping in unexpectedly. When we entered his room, we saw him laying on his side. He did not look good, and it was obvious that he had not been eating. He responded better to baby than to me, although he may not have even recognized either of us. Guys always seem uncomfortable with the idea of looking weak in front of other guys, though. He was very depressed, and he kept talking about his son. I don't know the circumstances of his family but I do know that the old guy would have been doing much better if his son had been at his side at least part of the time. Of course, one could rationalize that the old guy is just one in a million who suffer the same demise. That's true, but does knowing that make one sleep easier at night?

Last night, baby and I had coffee at Border's after visiting at the hospital. We perused some of the books there. Baby spotted a police officer exam study guide. It was next to the postal worker exam study guide. Sheesh! I was tempted to buy it. After all, I am applying to become a cop. My goal is to be Dirty Kimo by day and hamburger engineer at Burger King by night. Can you imagine ...

Scene from Dirty Kimo: The Movie. Burger King, 9pm. Dirty Kimo (that's me) is putting some frozen meat patties into the charbroiler. Three punks enter and begin shooting off their Uzis randomly. Dirty Kimo throws a frozen patty like a Frisbee and knocks one of the punks down. He pulls out his .45 Magnum and takes out the other two punks as they attempt to fire their weapons.

"Eh, punk. You like try guess how many da kine I have left? Did da buggah fire five da kine or six da kine, you wonder? Well, do you feel lucky, punk?" asks Dirty Kimo, as he stands over the remaining punk, with his .45 cocked.

"Aaarrrgghh," the punk says, still clasping his Uzi. He attempts to raise it and shoot.

Dirty Kimo unloads his last two shots into the punk. "Eh, hele on, brah!," he says, as he puts his Magnum back the holster.

A shocked patron is standing near the counter with his jaw open. "I'll have your Whopper with no mayo ready in a minute, sir," Dirty Kimo tells the patron.
 

Yeah, okay. Baby went over to visit a friend and I worked on more employment queries. When she returned, we ran a few errands including printing my queries and mailing them. One of them is being sent to Burger King. If I get a slam letter from Burger King, I cannot responsible for what Dirty Kimo will do!

How could I forgot to mention Fodgers and doughnuts yesterday? You know, that's pretty much a trademark around here. I also neglected to mention that baby and I bought some Lau Lau at the Anzen store, and then steamed them up for dinner last night. Today was a slow day, what with it being a holiday and all. We did make it to the gym for a nice workout. Baby also made a fitness consultation appointment for herself later this month.

Well, when all else fails, break out the Pidgin English lessons! The word of the day is eh. I know that sounds stupid, but that word is an essential part of Pidgin English (not to be confused with the more sedate Canadian rendition). Almost every sentence should begin with eh. For example, if you want to know where someone is, just ask, "Eh, where da buggah at?" Never call anyone in Hawai'i by name. Just yell out, "Eh!" And, thanks to kafka@paranoia.com for sharing his discovery that Pidgin English is all-pervasive, even in Michigan. Sheesh!

I spent most of the afternoon cleaning the numeric keypad of my beloved cell phone. I doubt that a clean keypad will make the phone ring. I have received word that someone from the BBC has been trying to get in touch with anyone from LoserNet. Who knows? LoserNet might make an appearance on the BBC. Thanks to matth@eskimo.com for telling me about a nice article by David Futrelle in the Salon e-zine in defense of this journal. On the down side, I found LoserNet listed in the 1997 Cyberhound's Guide to the Web. We only received a two-Milkbone rating. Bow wow. The critic (and brain donor) slammed LoserNet, but inadvertently paid the highest compliment when he said that LoserNet "lived up to its name." Duh, which way did he go, George? Well, I can't blame him. A world famous Web critic (like himself), with babes in every port, just cannot understand the plight of the common man.

I had a crazy dream last night. I rented a room in some shack in Convalescent City. I bought an old, used entertainment center (a lot bigger than my K-Mart all-in-one) and I was listening to da man's music full blast. Sheesh! Baby drove out to Sandy. I was left to my own devices, so I reflected on the lousy review that LoserNet got in Cybermutt or whatever that rag was called. It's too bad I'm not a cop yet ...

Another Scene From Dirty Kimo. The elevator doors open and Dirty Kimo steps out into a hallway. He follows the dimly lit hall until he sees a sign on a door. Cybermutt Editorial Offices. He kicks the door open. Amidst stacks of old newspapers and opened bags of dried dog food is a desk. A stunned duffer swivels in his chair to face Dirty Kimo.

"What the f--- do you want?" the duffer yells.

Without a word, Dirty Kimo walks over to the duffer and belts him in the gut a couple of times.

"Uuummmph!" The duffer buckles over in pain in his chair.

"Eh, brah, you need to watch yo' mouth!"

Dirty Kimo grabs a handful of dried dog food and force feeds it to the duffer. The duffer falls to the floor. Dirty Kimo cleans off the duffer's desk with an extended arm.

"Eh, you da kine for Cybermutt, or what?" he asks the duffer.

"What? Speak English, you moron!"

"Listen dog breath, you like me broke yo' face, or what?"

"Dirty Kimo, you really are dirty."

"The dirtiest ..."

Dirty Kimo grabs another handful of dog food. Fearing the worst, the duffer shields his face with his arm. Dirty Kimo laughs and throws the dog food on the duffer.

"Eh, hele on, brah!"
 

Yeah, right. Well, it's time for the cell phone update ... still NO calls! And, NO mail! Ho boy! Maybe that loser at Cybermutt is right after all ...

Someone wrote in anonymously and said, "quit your whining." Funny, the Cybermutt critic called these journals "whiny." If you met the ol' lavahead, you would immediately notice how puny I am. However, I don't think that you would hear me whining. Maybe, perhaps, I am a closet whiner. If we could examine our own thoughts, we'd find that all of us are guilty of whining. I choose to put those thoughts and fears on the Web, not as an example of good whining technique, but to share my life and thoughts with you.

Baby called the hospital today to find out about the old guy. He was supposed to be released to a Senior Care Center on Monday. We found out that the old guy had passed away this morning. I didn't feel really good after that. Why, pray tell? I never even knew him. Everyone has to kick the bucket sometime, right? Life as we know it is so proliferated by numbers that we tend to forget that life is precious. When we visited him last week, baby said that she thought he probably would have fared better without the operation. Sure, he took a gamble, hoping he would live longer. Instead, he lived for a week, and in total despair. I'll never forget the day I saw him crying in the tube lounge. He feared the inevitable, just like the rest of us. I guess we'll never know until it is our turn. Well, here's to you, Byron!

My cell phone rang today! It was my first call for an interview from PrimeCo, a PCS provider in Hawai'i. So, why am I not rejoicing? The problem is that I will need to return to Hawai'i next week. In a way, I am reluctant to fly back for just one interview. With the way I interview, I could easily predict the outcome. And, changing my flight will cost big bank. Baby and I began working on our novel again. That is another reason I am hesitant about leaving. There is much to do, and we need to finish it so we can submit it. I have also been rethinking my return to Cali. I have a whole mess of unfinished business there. What a predicament! Remember that line from Life of Riley? Adam Wishart from the BBC contacted me. He is doing a series of spots about Web sites, and he asked if LoserNet would be interested. Of course we are!

Now it's time for Viewer Mail! Move over, Dave Letterman! About Dirty Kimo, Kevin (voyager@seanet.com) wrote, "That Dirty Kimo fellow really needs therapy. He needs ... Kimo-therapy! Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaaa..." Robert (rbryant@mci2000.com) wrote to say that baby and I have been an influence on him "like Micky and Mallory from the film Natural Born Killers," only less violent, of course. Annabelle (Annabelle.Parker@pjmi.knaw.nl) wrote, "My homey JP gave me a T-shirt for my birthday (a bit belated) with the logo of 'life and times of the 41-year-old virgin' printed on it! I will be proud to wear it in the gym!" Finally, the Chicken Guy of Akron Ohio (chknguy@usit.net) wrote, "Me and my sock monkey will kick his butt if he keeps messing with you," referring to my competitor's journal. Many thanks to everyone!

Fodgers and doughnuts! I did not receive any mail for over a week, so I called moms. She said that she forwarded several pieces of mail to me. From what I can tell, my slam letters are finally coming in. And, another manuscript was returned. They should be here on Monday. Moms had a few more pieces of mail on hand, so I asked her to open them and read them to me. I received slam letters from Lion Coffee and Honolulu Cellular. Well, there go my big plans to become a cell phone salesman. Sheesh! You know, some of those duffers just don't seem to have any tact. Can you imagine if a psycho like Dirty Kimo was the recipient of that kind of crap? There would be mass Kimo-therapy!

Fodgers and doughnuts! How about those Packers, huh? I called Caroll today. She lost her job at Lyon's and went through a trying period. She found two new jobs, and she seems to be doing better. I told her that I may fly to Cali for tea time in Convalescent City with a mutual acquaintance of ours. Caroll said she would pick me up at the airport and may even go down to Convalescent City with me. However, I discovered that none of the airlines were offering any specials on fares. I also called Hawai'ian Air. It looks like I'll be able to fly out of Portland at any time. The penalty will be $100 for the change in itinerary. Well, I may be leaving for Hawai'i as early as next weekend. I am not prepared at all. I haven't even found a new home for these journals yet.

Baby and I went to the gym. While I did the StairMaster, I noticed that Weird Al Yankovich had some kind of special on the tube. Did you know that we share the same alma mater? The big difference between Weird Al and the ol' lavahead is that he has made it while I'm still on the fringe of obscurity. Well, fame and fortune has its own problems. I only need to worry about where the next sale on Bush's baked beans will be.

I received some of the mail that moms sent. Much to my relief, there were only two slam letters. None of the large envelopes were my manuscripts, so there is still hope! I have put off my decision about my early return to Hawai'i until tomorrow. The rest of my mail should be here then. Baby went to Cindy's to do some hottubbing, so I was left to my own devices for the afternoon and evening. I continued calling the various airlines to find cheap flights to Cali. There was nothing lower than $59 (one-way). I also worked on more employment queries. You know, I think I've figured out why no one wants to hire the ol' lavahead ... under "Summary of Experience," I listed myself as "President and CEO of LoserNet." Well, hey! I'm proud of LoserNet! I went down to the clubhouse and did the treadmill for about two hours to kill some time. I watched most of Joy Luck Club. I was pleasantly surprised as it was most poignant. Baby returned at 10pm. She had already eaten dinner and had a few drinks. I walked to 7-11 in the rain, like a putz, and bought a frozen burrito and an Otis Spunkmeyer muffin for dinner. I must have looked like a psycho walking there in my shorts.

Well, it's time for our Pidgin English lesson! The word of the day is try. Yep, this is an important sentence constructor. For example, to call someone over, just say, "Eh, try come here!" Or, "Eh, no try cock-a-roach my Primo, brah!" You thought you caught me, didn't you? I knew that Primo beer isn't around anymore. I also threw in a bonus word, cock-a-roach. Its definition is "to attempt to snake something." Sheesh! Well, hele on, brah!

I called PrimeCo to see if I could arrange an interview time. My contact person was in a meeting, so I left a message. No one called back. I assumed that it's a done deal now. My mail did not arrive either. Baby and I did not do much. We made our usual rounds at Trader Joe's (for granola and tea cookies). Then, we went to Anzen, only to find that most of the stock was cleaned out. Whassup wi' dat? That only left us with one hope for excitement ... the weekly recitation of the competitor's journal. Sheesh! Kevin (voyager@seanet.com) sent a scan of the picture he took this Summer of himself, baby and I at Saturday Market in Portland. Baby and I debated whether it should be put up, since it detracts from the mystique of the journal. People seem to put a lot of credence in visual stimuli, hence the old adage, "I have to see it to believe it." Well, here it is!
  Baby, Kevin, and the ol' lavahead (l-r).

What a week I'm having! First, no mail, then no phone calls. Now, the competitor's journals have disappeared. Oddly, when I told baby about that, she seemed relieved. Sheesh! Baby spent the afternoon at work. I waited around until the mail came in. I received a slam letter from the City and County of Honolulu. I had requested an application to become a cop, but I obviously missed the deadline. I wanted the application for the next recruitment drive. Instead of sending me an application, the brain donor informed me that I missed the deadline by three days. Duh, which way did he go, George? I received a call for a possible temporary job, too. The only excitement I had was provided my insurance company, which charged me for three months of service charges although I paid off the premium in full. It could be time for more Kimo-therapy!

In lieu of reading the competitor's conspicuously absent journals, baby and I played Solitaire last night. It just wasn't the same. I was in bereavement most of today, too. Fortunately, I was able to see Star Trek: DSN this evening. Odo found himself in the father role for an orphan Changeling, only to discover the lost father-son relationship he had with Dr. Mora. It was a moving episode and reminded me of my own past. The main reason that I moved to Cali at the age of seventeen was to get away from pops' dictatorship and regime. While I was here on the mainland, moms and my bro had to put up with a lot of abuse, including being kicked out of the house and having to stay with my aunt and uncle for several months. I wanted to fly home to perpetrate a 1-8-7 on pops. Fortunately, I did not. I have come to grips with the error of pops' ways, as well as my own interpretation of what happened. In the end, they are my parents and, in their golden years, I have had to cast all bad blood aside.

Much to my relief, the competitor's journals were back last night. However, I was not ecstatic to read that the competitor has had a flurry of job offers while I have yet to obtain a single interview. I have even given up hope that Burger King will call. Well, you know what that means ... yep, I may have to defect to Wendy's. I like that Dave Thomas guy anyway. Baby drove out to her office in Sandy. I worked on more employment queries. I also typed out an application. Does this ploy really work? I'm sure that the duffer who reads it could care less. When baby returned, we went to the gym. She had an appointment with a fitness consultant. We came back in time to watch Pale Rider, an old Clint Eastwood shoot 'em up.

For some reason, I have not felt up to doing much. I think that the journal has been reflecting that trend. Moms sent me an article about kama'aina-mainland relationships. Basically, it discussed the difficulties that must be overcome by couples from two very different cultures. Hawai'i is a different kind of place, and its people (like me) are also very different from our mainland counterparts. Now, what exactly was moms trying to tell me?

Wow, it's time for more viewer mail! First, the cell phone update ... no calls again! Say what? Even the competitor gets calls on his phone. Sheesh! About the ol' lavahead's picture, Robert (rbryant@mci2000.com) wrote, "I was expecting the Hawai'ian version of Barney Fife!" Mark (kirkm@battelle.org) added, "Wowza, finally a picture of the ol' lavahead. You don't look as puny as you claim ... Could it be that your claims to be the net's biggest loser are false?" The original image was reduced and reprocessed. I guess the blurry quality made the ol' lavahead appear more "normal." Of course, I had my gangsta shades on instead of my thick, Coke bottle, dork glasses. Sheesh! Remember that bad review LoserNet got from a certain Web guide? Well, the Chicken Guy of Akron Ohio (chknguy@usit.net) wrote, "Unfortunately I own the cyberhound book. My grandmother-in-law gave it to me for xmas ... I'll be burning it tonight. Possibly in the sink or bathtub."

Continue the adventure now ... move on to February!

The Keeper of Lost Lives: Paradise Lost

Starring:
The Keeper of Lost Lives ... Tralfaz
Moms ... Herself
Baby ... Herself
And a cast of thousands!

© Copyright 1997 by The Keeper of Lost Lives
LoserNet^tm Love It, or Lose It.