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		Was the return to the homeland at all what The Keeper expected? Or, has the sinister kahuna been planning even bigger surprises for the ol' lavahead? Follow the misadventures of The Keeper as he continues the search to find absolutely nothing!

Saturday February 1, 1997

As I walked down to the clubhouse for Fodgers and doughnuts, I happened to see a truck pulling out from the next building. It was loaded up with stuff. I stood and watched as two pickup trucks passed by. Following behind was a small white car. It was the old guy's car. I tried to see who was driving each vehicle. I just wanted to see who Byron's son was, not that it mattered. As I walked into the tube lounge, I noticed a bunch of kids watching X-Men. Instinctively, I knew that the doughnuts were gone. There was a whole plate of cookies still sitting there, but I knew better. If the kids didn't eat them, then junk, da kine stuff. Baby was in a bad way for most of the day. I was not exactly in the best of spirits either. Usually we fare well because only one of us is in a bad way at any given moment. We really didn't do much else for the rest of the day except remain in a bad way, but somewhere around midnight it all went away, thank goodness.

I woke up and staggered down to the clubhouse for Fodgers and doughnuts. Once again, the doughnuts were gone but there some doughnut holes left. I consumed all of them. There were no cups for the Fodgers. I inquired with the office staff. No one bought cups. The new maintenance duffer was also in the office. I have seen him around, and somehow he rubbed me wrong. I can always identify duffers because duffers just cannot shut up. They talk endlessly, most likely assuming that they are pulling the wool over everyone else's eyes. Fortunately, baby made a pot of good Kona coffee. Then, we went to Kinko's so I could print another batch of employment queries which will ultimately end up dulling the blades of some duffer's shredder. We also went to the gym. While we were working out, we saw a news clip about Groundhog's Day on the tube. Some brain donor was holding up a poor groundhog, which probably just got up after a long hibernation. I would have been rolling on the floor if the groundhog had bit him. When we came back, we had a quick dinner and went down to the clubhouse to watch Pacific Blue and do some cardio. At 9:52, the maintenance duffer came in to close up. Technically, the clubhouse closes at ten. He shouted, "Okay, everybody out! I'm tired and I need some sleep! I'm closing up!" Obviously, he is also a brain donor as he didn't realize that he was seconds away from being the recipient of extensive Kimo-therapy. Sheesh!

I made my plane reservations for my trip to Cali. I will fly into San Jose next Monday, but I still have no idea how I am going to get to Convalescent City. Most likely, I will be taking my most favorite mode of travel, the Greyhound bus. Riding the Greyhound can be an extremely entertaining experience. I usually sit in the back with the 2-Live Crew of the mass transit world, if you know what I mean. There's never a dull moment. I am not exactly looking forward to this trip. I have a feeling that my old pal, the sinister force, will be joining me along the way. I will be in Cali for a week, and there is no telling what will happen. I'm sure that everyone is dying to hear about The Bull's feats of strength and also about his new babe. Well, I'm certain that I will find out. For those who wonder how LoserNet can afford these costly junkets ... well, it can't. I can only say that I am thankful for the myriad of credit cards I possess. Sheesh! For the trip, I will be traveling light, only taking some underwear and my beloved cell phone. Well, hey! That's all I need!

 I saw the Chimp^tm (formerly the maintenance duffer). He was giving me the stink eye from across the parking lot. The Chimp^tm was obviously having a major problem, but his problems are only just beginning. Well, when I am in Cali I will surely miss his anthropoid antics. That reminds me ... it's time for our Pidgin English lesson. The word of the day is stink. If you notice a peculiar odor, merely exclaim, "Eh, stink!" A derivative of this term is stink eye, which means evil eye .. just like what the Chimp^tm was giving the ol' lavahead today.

The Chimp^tm came by this afternoon to fix baby's fluorescent light fixture. Baby had just made some Trader Joe's beans for lunch. I was sitting at the table. The Chimp^tm took the fixture apart, all the while flappin' his jaws about his expertise. He put two of the fluorescent tubes on the counter. Can you guess what happened next? The tubes rolled onto the floor and imploded. Glass shrapnel flew everywhere while the gas from the tubes filled the room. I jumped up and opened the door. The Chimp^tm ran out the door, babbling something about getting a vacuum cleaner. I put on my gangsta shades. The Chimp^tm returned with a broom. What a maroon! Why didn't he just bring back a toothbrush? He did a mediocre job of sweeping up the broken glass. I sat at the table eating the beans until I thought I chewed on a glass fragment. The Chimp^tm was still babbling away. I sat at the table, motionless, and watched his every move. When the Chimp^tm left, I threw out the beans because I could not be sure if they were contaminated. It took us the rest of the afternoon to restore everything to normal. Fortunately, we went to Burger King for lunch. Whoppers, our way! I also called my dentist in Convalescent City to see if I could get one last appointment. I was told that I needed to do that one month in advance. Well, still no calls on my beloved cell phone. Kick a man when he's down!

Now, it's time for Part Two of Brain Donor Day. Baby's daughter had swimming lessons tonight. I went along with baby and her daughter. We dropped baby's daughter off and went shopping for dinner stuff. When we returned to the pool, I waited in the small, crowded lobby while baby checked on her daughter in the locker room. I stood next to a vending machine that obviously wasn't working. None of the lights were on. A woman came out of the locker room with her kids. The kids ran over to the broken machine next to me and put money in it. I moved aside. Nothing came out of the machine so the woman came over, bumped into me and began fiddling with it. About a minute later, the woman's brain donor husband (who was actually standing next to me during this ordeal) walked over and started pounding and shaking the vending machine. As he did this, he bumped into me several times. Mind you, I had not moved further aside because no one ever said, "Excuse me." Finally, I just shook my head and bellowed out, "What a maroon!" I moved over to the counter where baby was. The woman was giving me the stink eye. All the while, her brain donor husband continued to shake the machine. And to think, this guy probably has a job! Sheesh!

Like a bad sitcom, he just keeps coming back ... the Chimp^tm! Where's his organ grinder? Every time I see the Chimp^tm, he is on his two-way radio. He is only in contact with the office and the one stooge who works under him. He probably thinks he's a cop and has established his own codes ... janitorial rather than penal codes, that is. Can you imagine the Chimp^tm calling the office to report a plugged toilet ... "Central, this is Chimp-12, I have a 5-11 in progress. We have a situation here. Send back-up. Do you copy?" Oh brother.

The last two days have been nice and sunny, although I can't say that it has helped my disposition. Baby picked up my airline tickets on her way back from work in Sandy. I have been feeling some anxiety since everything is coming apart at the seams. I have not received a call from my tea time buddy yet. I called two days ago to make an appointment for next week. All I could do was leave a message. The whole basis of my trip is tea time. Caroll has not called back either, so it looks like I will need to find a way from the airport to the Greyhound bus depot. The final leg from San Jose to Convalescent City will take about five hours or more by bus. Can you imagine all the fun I am going to have?

I got one call today on my beloved cell phone from Computer City concerning a technician job I applied for. I am sure that it does not pay well, but it would be a fun job. Had I been there, I would have taken it. The day itself was mundane. Baby and I went out in search of the elusive Internet café. We never found it. Later, baby's daughter and I went down to the clubhouse. She wanted to play on the computer. I wanted to watch some cartoons in the tube lounge. A few minutes later, she came in to tell me that I needed to be in the computer room to supervise her. I asked why. She said that some guy told her that. I knew immediately ... it was the Chimp^tm. He was playing computer cop. Sheesh! Caroll called after midnight. She will pick me up in San Jose on Monday, or at least that is the plan for now. I was a little relieved to hear that. She said that she, too, has not heard from my tea time buddy. Now, I am not sure that I will be able to salvage anything useful from this trip. Finally, many thanks to Dan (chesson@scsu.ctstateu.edu) for the link to the cell phone site!

There has been something on my mind that I think it is time for me to write about, Itlan. Right after our morning coffee, baby said, "I need to check my e-mail. I have one that I need to reply to, and then I have to get off because I'm expecting a phone call." The next thing I knew, an hour had gone by. Baby then wonders why I get agitated. An explanation is in order, Itlan. When I first came here to visit in June, baby logged on at least three times a day for an hour or so per session. I spent quite a few hours sitting on the couch, Itlan, wondering what to do with myself. To her credit, she has managed to go now for over a day without logging on. I can tell that it causes her some anxiety, Itlan. The Net does have that effect on people, Itlan. I have heard the rationale behind this behavior, Itlan, far too numerous to elaborate upon here. Perhaps, it is her conduit to the outside world, as it may be for many others of us, Itlan. We are able to move beyond the bonds of this mundane existence, albeit electronically, into the virtual nether world and revel in the camaraderie of like-minded souls. There are more nefarious addictions, I suppose. Right, Itlan?

I have been on the edge lately, Itlan. The slam letters that moms forwarded did not help. Burger King has not called. Neither has any publisher or the BBC gotten back with me, Itlan. I just hope there will still be openings at Computer City when I return to Hawai'i. Baby decided to clean off the mold that has been growing around all the windows. I suggested using chlorine bleach. She used it full-strength. It was a bit overpowering, Itlan. Rather than eat lunch here, we went to Burger King for Whoppers, our way, Itlan. We also went to the gym for quick workout. So, what's with all this Itlan stuff? Remember that episode of The Tick, where he went up against the Aztecs? That's what the Aztecs said in every sentence. Can you tell that I'm losin' it, Itlan?

Fodgers and doughnuts! I managed to get the last doughnut. Baby worked on her Web journal for most of the day, so I camped out in the tube lounge to watch some Looney Toons and a movie, Three Fugitives. For not being a real fan of the tube, I certainly have been watching enough of it. Sheesh! We ate a late lunch of Bush's baked beans. Then, it was gym time. We returned in time to catch Never Say Never Again, an old James Bond flick, in the clubhouse. Fifteen minutes before the official closing time, the Chimp^tm's protégé came in and used about the same amount of tact as the Chimp^tm in attempting to force us to leave early. My patience is rapidly depleting when it comes to the new Toilet Duck Patrol. Big John called to say that he could pick me up in San Jose. However, that is a three-hour drive from Convalescent City. I would never ask Big John or any friend to go that far out of his or her way.

I believe that I know now what is causing me extreme duress ... facial warts. Yep, the ol' lavahead is infested with them. I also have noticed several large polyp-like skin anomalies forming on my body. The worst part is that they are growing, and I fear that they may be cancerous. So, I have one more thing to do in Convalescent City. I need to see a dermatologist. Perhaps the sinister force has found another way to strike me down.

I should at least end this day on a happy note. Two of my virtual homeys, who shall remain nameless, have been communicating and getting along very well. They have kept the ol' wart-infested lavahead informed of their progress, as it were. Baby and I were pleasantly surprised when we heard the good news, and we wish them well. They have given partial attribution to LoserNet, but how can we take any credit, Itlan? Well, you know our motto ... Love it, or lose it! Sheesh, Itlan!

Sometimes the paths we choose in life lead us nowhere. Take Fodgers and doughnuts, for instance. I got up late and went down to the clubhouse fully expecting all the doughnuts to be gone. There were quite a few left, so I ate them all. Baby and I did not do much except to make the usual shopping rounds. Baby's mom called to tell her that she will be flying in to visit on March 8th for a week. As for me, I was engrossed in thought for most of the day. I don't know why, but I was entertaining a variety of hypothetical situations. I was looking ahead to all the possible scenarios I may face during my trip to Cali. I do not restrict these situations to just the more important events. I even ponder on mundane events such as whether I will be able to eat my granola or whether I will be able to floss my teeth during the day. Sheesh! Baby and I went to the gym. However, we did our cardio workout in the clubhouse so we could watch Pacific Blue. To top off the evening, we had the ritual reading of the competitor's journal while baby did her nails. What better way to relax before my big trip!

Well, the big day finally came ... I am off to Cali! Baby and I left immediately after our morning coffee. Even though we left early, we made it to the airport just in the nick of time. She dropped me off in front of the terminal because there would not have been much time if we had to find parking. Baby drove off to work in Sandy. I checked in at the counter. I killed a little time by walking around the airport and boarded the plane at the last minute.

The flight was enjoyable. The sky was pretty much clear south of Portland, and it afforded a spectacular view of same country that both baby and I had driven through several times last year. I can't believe that we drove that far. Sheesh! We landed in San Jose at 2pm, slightly ahead of schedule. Caroll had told me that she would be there after 3pm. No problem. I walked around the airport, but that was a little boring. There was a Burger King, but the Whoppers were $2.39 instead of the usual 99 cents. I don't think so! Instead, I sat down and watched all the people coming and going. By 5pm, I realized that I was the only one who wasn't going anywhere. I walked outside to see if I could spot Caroll driving by. Nothing. Then, it dawned on me. I should use my beloved cell phone and call Caroll to see what's what. I tried calling in a variety of ways, but I kept getting an error message. I then called customer service. I told my woeful tale. Then, I was put on hold for about 15 minutes. Finally, another representative came back on. I had to repeat the story. I was then told that there was no automatic roaming in Cali. I had to call and get authorization first. And, it would take 30 minutes before my roaming could be activated. So, I had my cell phone on all afternoon for no reason at all. What if Burger King was trying to call? The punchline is that I had to call both Caroll and baby collect. I did not bring my Sprint calling card because I brought the cell phone in lieu of it. I was furious. I was somewhat surprised that I didn't lose it and start foaming at the mouth, giving the airport rollers a reason to shoot me.

Fortunately, I was able to get in touch with Caroll. I waited another hour while Caroll drove to San Jose. That was a total of five hours at the airport! Do you realize that I was sitting there longer than Loser's pacing record? I was very glad to see Caroll when she finally pulled up to the curb. It was another hour before we were in Salinas. I took a quick shower, and then we went to Lyon's for dinner. After dinner, Caroll rented Escape From LA. It wasn't as good as the original movie, though. You know, before I left, baby wondered why I was going to stay in Cali for so long. After all, I should be able to get everything done in a couple of days. As you can see, I have good reason because if anything can go haywire, it will! Finally, thanks to Adam (mnkeyballs@hotmail.com) and Allison (tuthill@student.uni-kassel.de) for writing in.

I helped Caroll take her two cats as well as her brother's dog to the veterinarian early this morning. When we returned, I called Greyhound and found out that I missed the 10am bus, so my only choice was the 1:30pm bus. Caroll had to be at work at 10:30. I went along with her because the Greyhound bus depot is right next door to the restaurant she works at. I bought my ticket and killed some time walking around downtown Salinas. Then, I went back to the restaurant. Caroll bought me a cup of coffee, and I sat there until it was time for me to begin the last leg of my journey.

The bus left on time. It wasn't very crowded so I had the seat to myself. The trip was enjoyable because I was able to take in the view in peace. Cali is very beautiful this time of year. Everything is so green. The drive to Convalescent City on US 101 is particularly nice because of all the foothills. This had been my home for 24 years. Strange, it didn't really feel like a homecoming. I felt more like a tourist. We arrived in Convalescent City at 4pm. Big John was waiting for me at the bus depot. When I walked in, I looked over at the counter and saw a familiar face smiling. It was the Bishop! I talked with him briefly. He said that he would see the gym gang tonight, so I'm sure the word will be out. They will all know that I came in on the Greyhound, living up to my extravagant lifestyle as CEO of LoserNet. Sheesh! Big John drove me around Convalescent City for a short tour. Not much has changed. We went to CJ's for dinner, and then I was off to the Lab. Brings back old memories, doesn't it?

I neglected to mention that the reason I was at the airport for five hours was because Caroll thought I was flying in on Tuesday instead of Monday. Sheesh! I was able to catch up on the journal while at the Lab last night. It has been nice not having to put up with the time lags of remote access. This morning was beautiful and sunny. I called several of my homeys and left messages. I was able to talk to Steph and, tentatively, we are going to meet on Saturday. I called The Bull and arranged to meet him later in the day. Big John had several appointments, so I caught a ride with him. I met with my tea time buddy's substitute at noon. He did not exactly embrace me in open arms. I thought all was lost until he mentioned that my tea time buddy would be there shortly. He let me use his phone to call my tea time buddy to make arrangements. Twenty minutes later, I was able to meet with my tea time buddy. Not much transpired. In actuality, this was a silent bonding with major political ramifications. I merely bought time and regained much of the respect I lost. The meeting lasted about half an hour. Amazing, isn't it?

The big moment finally came! The Bull picked me up and we drove downtown. We went to the Juice Club. After we got our smoothies, we sat and talked for a couple of hours. Naturally, the discussion revolved around his love life. The Bull apparently met his new babe, Laura, at the Grad about five months ago. He was out partying with the Cardinal, the Bishop and Eric. Ironically, that was the same day that he gave Jen the heave-ho. Jen had been giving The Bull play, but she strung him along with a bunch of excuses. The Bull related the torrid details including the many weekends that he and his babe never even got out of bed! Believe me, this goes well beyond the allowable limits of LoserNet. The Bull caught me up on the news. Randy has been going to Estrada's Gym now and no one has heard from him. Team Loser did make it down to Ensenada for the bike race. The Bull said that he was in such great shape that he cruising most of the way while everyone else was huffing and puffing. Big Don has suffered some kind of medical complication, but no one knows much about it. The Bishop has been seeing a variety of babes after Laura (not The Bull's Laura) ran off with some clown. The Cardinal has a new babe, but no one knows anything about her. The Cardinal's old babe, who he fired last year, is now married to some other guy. Eric has a new babe. The Bull also mentioned that Eric ran into some trouble on New Year's Eve. Eric and his babe were partying at the Hilton and, on the way out, they were persuaded by the doorman to catch a ride with two guys. The losers apparently took the couple on a ride that almost cost Eric his life. They beat up Eric with baseball bats and kidnapped his babe. Eric came to and was able to call the cops. Coincidentally, a cop pulled the two clowns over for some reason. Just then, the police bulletin was issued. The cop arrested them. The Bull gave me a ride back to Big John's, but he pulled a fast one on the ol' lavahead. He drove the back way into the gym parking lot to avoid anyone seeing us. However, the gym "owner" just happened to be outside. We turned quickly and drove around the front and parked. He went inside. A few minutes later, the Cardinal and Jim came out. We talked for a few minutes. We arranged to meet for all-you-can-eat Chinese at 6pm. Then, I saw the gym "owner" walk out. Rats! He came over, and shook my hand. He even offered me a free week pass, but I declined. We left shortly after.

The Bull dropped me off and I got ready. Big John gave me a ride downtown. The boys were late, but Mike (not the one who took the armadillo pictures) was there. Finally, the Cardinal, the Bishop, and The Bull showed up. We chowed down while discussing The Bull's amorous adventures. Naturally, the Cardinal and the Bishop avoided disclosing any of their personal affairs. The Bull had told me earlier that all three of them would not be available Friday because each of them had Valentine's Day plans. The Bull has a dream date planned for Laura. The Cardinal, however, alleged that he will be working, and the Bishop said that he will be at home watching the tube. We all parted company after dinner. The Bishop offered me a ride back and the Cardinal walked with us. As we passed the large glass windows of the Blue Sky restaurant, the Cardinal suddenly stopped in his tracks. He looked in and said that we should all go in for a drink because it was "such a nice place." He had a big grin on his face. I knew something was afoot. I looked and, sitting at the window, were two babes. They were laughing because they knew what the Cardinal was up to. The Bishop gave in, so I had no choice but to follow. We went inside and sat at the bar. The babes watched us and continued laughing. I ordered a cup of coffee and the boys ordered hot chocolate. The Cardinal wanted to order some Sake (rice wine) and go over to talk to the babes. Fortunately, the babes left. So, we left. Some things never change. The Bishop dropped me off. I called Tom and ended up talking for a long time, mostly about the problems I am having with my six-four. I set up a tentative meeting for tomorrow. So far, my journey back to Convalescent City has been most interesting.

I started my day off in the Lab once again. By the time I finished working on the journal, I was too fatigued to do anything. I decided to walk to Tom's place. I passed through my old stomping grounds, the infamous Roach Motel, where all of this buffoonery began. I can't say that it brought back pleasant memories. Unfortunately, I didn't see Loser, the Idiots, or BigFoot^tm. The dump was still the same. I walked through the Roach Motel East and the Bottoms until I finally reached the main road. I continued on, passing through the familiar neighborhood until I reached Tom's place. Tom and I talked for a while and caught up on all the news. We went downtown for lunch at the new Kona's location. We sat outside to eat. I saw a gym homey at another table. He came over to talk. Of course, he had to tell us about The Bull. Sheesh! After lunch, Tom and I ended up at Starbuck's to have coffee. Later, I got my monk haircut. Ray was surprised to see me. I told him that I just flew in. He asked why I was back in town. "To get a haircut," I replied. As I predicted, the haircut was about all that I got accomplished here in Cali.
 

That reminds me ... The Bull mentioned that he suspected that his babe was turned on by other babes hitting on him in public places. He said that he always warns her that "the minute I walk in there, women will try to pick up on me." However, she is never deterred. In fact, she encourages him to go in first. No doubt, she pinches herself every morning because she is the most fortunate babe in the universe! The most unfortunate babe, of course, is Tam. The Bull said that he happened to walk into the aerobics room one day when Tam was talking with another babe. Being within earshot of The Bull, she changed the subject abruptly and lamented about not knowing that she missed out on the opportunity of a lifetime although she had the chance to seize it. If only Tam knew what I know. The Bull described his prowess and stamina (insofar as the wild thing is concerned) to me yesterday. He said that his babe was very impressed by how much control he had because it brought her to new heights of ecstasy. Do you see why this man is a legend? Finally, baby e-mailed to tell me that the Chimptm has been behaving himself. However, the light fixture that he repaired is acting up again. Somehow I think that the Chimptm belongs here in Convalescent City.

"...the minute I walk in there, women will try to pick up on me."

I got a call from Matt last night after The Bull told him that I was in town. He wants to meet on Monday but I may be on the Greyhound bus then. By the way, The Bull (EquityBull@aol.com) e-mailed the ol' lavahead. He is now a reader of these journals. This is about the highest honor that can be bestowed on any unworthy mortal like myself! The highlight of my week so far is that the polyp-like growth which had me worried merely shriveled up and fell off. So, I won't be needing a dermatologist. In other medical news, Big John had a tooth in the left side of his mouth that ached when he chewed, so he made a dental appointment. After a 20-minute drive to the office, his dentist merely said, "Well, just chew on the right side." End appointment. Sheesh!

I spent part of V-Day in the Lab. Since this is a three-day weekend, I may not have Net access again. Well, at least I got play with Windows 95! That is the kind of fun that only a true computer nerd could appreciate. Baby has written everyday. She has been working on the novel in my absence. The weather in Convalescent City has been wonderful. In fact, the prediction for this weekend is a warming trend. Well, there is still no sign of my old buddy Loser although I am keeping an eye out for him. And, my beloved cell phone has not rung yet. I think my call in life is to remain retired. Well, hey! The Bull is retired! Of course, he has big bank. He said that he lost $10,000 in last stock market plunge. That is a drop in the bucket for him. I should take this time to wish a happy V-Day to baby, as well as to all my virtual homeys! I hope that everyone had a nice V-Day! And, thanks to Dave (cfchen@transcend.com.tw) for writing in!

Did you have a nice Valentine's Day? I hope so. The ol' lavahead didn't do much yesterday. After a fun time in the Lab, I went over to Tom's place. I helped him bleed the brakes on his 1956 Chevy truck project. He also gave me some suggestions about the work I need to do on my poor six-four. Tom seems to think that the carburetor is not the problem. He believes that it is related to the intake manifold. Either there is a gasket leak or a possible hairline fracture. Finding the problem will be very labor-intensive. Big John and I went to dinner at Denny's, of all places. I can't say that it was an enjoyable eating experience. Big John really likes Denny's, though. I met with The Master at Starbuck's for coffee. The Master has changed his Master Plan. He will remain in Convalescent City until the year 2000. He has also revamped his plans for the Hermitage. Originally, he wanted to build an adobe structure. To produce the necessary adobe bricks, he would have to excavate a significant amount of clay and dirt (i.e., dig a big hole). So, the new Hermitage will be completely underground. "That way, no one will know that anyone lives there," he said. Sheesh! The Master gave me a ride back to Big John's place, just in time to catch the last part of Homicide. Am I livin' large, or what?

I also ran into Raeshawn in, of all places, the parking lot of Big John's apartment complex. She was yet another gym babe. The last I remembered, she was seeing one of the meatheads at the gym. Well, meathead apparently broke off the relationship. I was not surprised. Whenever I heard meathead talking with his buddies, he was always bragging about skinnin' up babes. In fact, that's all he talked about. For all their intuitive abilities, babes never seem to be able to recognize classic bozos. They mistake arrogance for confidence. Live and learn, I guess.

I have only a little time left in Convalescent City. Big John went to the County Law Library to get some work done. He wants to drive me up to Salinas on Monday. I spent time in the Lab again, but it was such a nice day that I needed to get outside. Tonight, I will be meeting with Tom and Steph. The excitement never stops!

The last few days have been warm and sunny, which made my trip to Cali very enjoyable. Yesterday, I walked downtown after my session in the Lab, and I met up with Big John at the Law Library. When we returned to his place, I called The Bull to see if the gym gang could meet before I leave. He said he would check on it. Tom picked me up and we drove downtown to meet Steph at the Firestone Café. It was extremely crowded. We waited so long to order that most of the items were sold out. We ended up ordering hamburgers. We caught up on the news as we ate. Steph told us an interesting story. She had canceled her Alaska trip last Summer for good reason. She flew back to Arkansas with her family for an unusual reunion. There was a story on 60 Minutes and Unsolved Mysteries which concerned an orphanage in Tennessee that had been involved in some unscrupulous adoption activities. It turned out that Steph's father had been in that orphanage. He found out that he had a brother living in Arkansas, and the rest is history.

The Bull called and left a message that the gym gang was to meet at Fresh Choice today. When I arrived, the Cardinal was already there. An hour passed and no one else showed up. The Cardinal had called The Bull earlier in the morning, but The Bull was not home. I knew immediately that The Bull was at his babe's place. The Bull never gets up before noon, so he must have gone to see her last night. The Cardinal was pretty upset. He said that he will call The Bull later and ask him if he has life insurance (for obvious reasons). I asked the Cardinal about his big V-Day date at the Sea Venture in Pismo Beach (home of the world famous Pismo Clam). The Bull had told me about the Cardinal's date on Wednesday. Some things never change. After lunch, I went to the Lab. Baby wrote to me. She had to go to a wedding rehearsal at noon. The wedding is to happen at 3pm, if you can believe it.

I will be leaving tomorrow for Salinas, or at least that is the plan. The week has gone by so quickly. I do not regret the time and expense it took to visit Cali even though I did not accomplish much. I will certainly miss my friends. I have incentive to return, though, just in case I feel like over-extending my credit. As you can probably guess, my beloved cell phone did not ring at all. I suppose that the reality of my predicament will hit me once I am on the plane. All in all, my little vacation has been enjoyable.

The day started out leisurely with an extended coffee break. Big John and I had gone to Woodstock's Pizza last night and destroyed a large Hawai'ian Pineapple pizza, so we needed to relax. Big John decided that he could drive me up to Salinas. We hit the road at noon. The drive was nice, and I took in all of the Cali landscape like it was a precious commodity. After all, I may not be back here for a long time. Somehow we arrived a little late. Caroll had canceled her hair appointment because she thought I would be there earlier. Caroll was not in good spirits. She was "in a funk" (as Steph would say). The combination of work, a relationship that may go nowhere, and the flu took a toll on her psyche in the last week. I suggested that we go out to dinner, mostly for the ambiance. Sometimes a good meal and equally good conversation does a lot to alleviate that funky feeling. After dinner, we took a drive out to Hollister to pick up Caroll's paycheck at her second job. When we returned, we went to Safeway so I could find some huge artichokes to bring back to Oregon. I called baby from my beloved cell phone while we were shopping, but she was not home. Since the night was still young, we rented the movie, A Time To Kill. Robert (Caroll's roommate) came home just as the we put the tape in the VCR, so he joined us. We were at the edge of our seats through the movie. That's how good it was.

The movie was a lot longer than we expected, so we did not get to bed until two in the morning. That wouldn't have been so bad, but we had to be up early. Caroll wanted to take me to San Jose airport before work. Well, so much for that plan. We ended up leaving at nine. The drive to the airport was enjoyable. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. Caroll made a stop along the way and called in to work to say that she would be late. She was going to just drop me off at the airport, but changed her mind at the last minute. Instead, she accompanied me into the terminal and had a cup of coffee with me. Caroll seemed in better spirits today. I bid her farewell. My plane was not departing until 2:15pm, so I had to kill about three hours. I had a meager hamburger (my way!) at Burger King, since I did not want to spend $2.39 for a Whopper. Sheesh!

The flight back to Oregon was uneventful. Slightly north of San Francisco, the cloud cover grew thick and there was zero visibility for the rest of the trip. When we landed in Portland, it was raining. Baby was right at the gate, waiting for the ol' lavahead. In some respects, it is nice to be back. However, I miss Cali already. My week has been more like a vacation than anything else. Sometimes I wonder if my call in life is to be a homeless nomad. Sheesh!

I received the monthly bill for my beloved cell phone only to discover that I was charged for the call from the GTE Mobilnet salesman back in December. I was also charged four times the per-minute roaming rate that I was quoted when I first signed on for all the calls on the bill. I called Customer Service, only to be told that I need to submit a written inquiry. In fact, no record of the calls were archived on the computer. I will have to pay the bill while it is in dispute. I am beginning to wonder about the unscrupulous practices and carelessness of the business sector. How many millions of dollars are extracted from unwitting consumers in this fashion? I perused the classifieds that moms sent. I noticed that Burger King was running another ad, but there was a new twist. The ad now said, "Minimum of 2 years experience." Sheesh! You know, I never even received a slam letter from Burger King. Well, the days of the Whopper (my way) are limited.

I have only about two weeks left on the mainland. However, I am beginning to think that Hawai'i is turning its back to one of its native sons. I may have been too presumptuous about my return. Perhaps I just need to sell my six-four, my six-five and my K-Mart all-in-one and return to Convalescent City. I know that sounds really stupid, especially since we have gone through several Pidgin English lessons. Sheesh! Convalescent City is the kind of place where I would like to live forever. Yet, I know that I cannot betray my promise to myself and moms.

Money. Dinero. Cabbage. Dough. No matter what you call it, it is a curse. Maybe I'm just getting more cynical, but I don't foresee a time that I will ever be out of debt. Humans seems to possess a great need to own things. This concept of ownership is adulterated by greed which, in turn, gives rise to the need to capitalize on that ownership through usury. Baby and I have found that we are both growing closer to financial demise. We don't have big bank like The Bull. Speaking of The Bull (EquityBull@aol.com), he e-mailed me to say that he was under the weather last Sunday. That is why he couldn't make it to Fresh Choice. Oddly, when both the Cardinal and I called The Bull, his butler Marshmont told us that The Bull wasn't in. The Bull also mentioned that the Bishop is planning a world tour sometime this Summer, and he may stop in Hawai'i. Ho boy! By the way, belated congratulations to the Chicken Guy (chknguy@usit.net) on his new job! And, thanks to Paul (pauls@lenti.med.umn.edu) for writing in!

We have been experiencing Cali weather for the last two days. Baby drove out to her office in Sandy, and I did what I do best ... nothing. When baby returned, we watched The Tick. Somehow, the day is never complete without The Tick. Then, we went to the gym. I found a computer magazine in one of the racks, so I read it between sets. Well, hey! I'm a computer nerd, Itlan! The evening was spent waiting for my beloved cell phone's batteries to discharge. As a true nerd, I always let the batteries completely drain before recharging them. Kevin (voyager@seanet.com) told me that at one time he used Ohm's Law to figure out the exact load on his cell phone's battery. Then he bought a power resistor and attached it to drain the battery completely. Anyway, at 1:30am, I just gave up and put the phone in the recharger. I think it still had another hour to go. Why does baby put up with this foolishness? Sheesh!

I sent in the payment for my cell phone bill, along with a letter disputing the charges. That put me in a bad way. Fortunately, I called Hawai'ian Air and found out that my frequent flyer miles were logged. I may be able to fly back in Spring if I can get cheap airfare along with my frequent flyer perks. Das why hard! Yep, you probably guessed that I threw in the Pidgin English lesson for the day. After you describe an exasperating experience, just truncate the story with, "Das why hard!"

Baby told me that there was Fodgers but no doughnuts last week when I was gone. So, she bought the ol' lavahead an Apple Strudel just in case there were no doughnuts. Sure enough, there was only Fodgers when I went down to the clubhouse. On my third robusta infusion, though, I noticed that doughnuts were put out. So, I ate all of them. Really? No, not really. The weather was so nice that baby and I went for a walk. Baby's friend came by, and she and baby went down to the hottub. Then, it was gym time. On the way back, we picked up some Chinese take-out from the Safeway deli, complete with fortune cookies. My fortune read, "You are the master of every situation." After dinner, we thought we would do a little cardio and catch a movie. I watched The Untouchables and baby watched The Bodyguard. The Chimp^tm's protégé came in at 9:54 to kick us out. Baby lost it and argued with the moron, but what can you say to a monkey that would make any sense? I assume that if he or the Chimp^tm don't shape up soon, they may end up meeting their organ grinder. Baby's friend called just as we stepped in the door after the incident with Bonzo. He just flew into San Francisco after vacationing in Puerto Rico. He was visiting a friend there, and he wanted to know the URL for LoserNet. Things can't be that unexciting in San Francisco?

I have exactly two weeks left in Oregon. Baby and I had a little misunderstanding this morning. She gets frustrated because, in some respects, I display the characteristics of the typical guy. We decided that the best cure was to get out and do something. We ate lunch at Burger King (Whoppers, our way!), even though I did not even get the courtesy of a slam letter from Burger King in Hawai'i. We drove to Washington Park to stroll in the Japanese Gardens. The last time we did that was in the Summer. Although the sun was out, it was still cold. All in all, the afternoon was enjoyable. We then went to the gym, returning in time for Star Trek in the clubhouse. The Chimptm came in at 8:15pm, but we were fortunate enough to be spared his banana-yanking antics. Moms called tonight to talk. I have several slam letters that she will forward. And, the second manuscript rejection came in. There is only one manuscript still out. I also talked to my bro. He said that my six-four actually ran fine today. It also didn't make that whistling noise.

We were fortunate enough to be spared his banana- yanking antics.

With two weeks left, I have found myself in a quandary. I will have no access to my beloved AIX account. LoserNet is in jeopardy! To add insult to injury, LoserNet will be bumped from its present site in June. Perhaps that is a fitting end for LoserNet ... disappearing into obscurity. Heck, moms doesn't even have touch-tone phone service. I can't even use a modem. Sheesh! The Net is not for small-timers anyway. The little grassroots efforts just can't compete, especially when we are constantly compared to the huge conglomerates that now infest the Net. I mean, ask yourself, how many people have even heard of LoserNet?

Yet another gorgeous day! Unfortunately, baby had to go to work. I have gotten a cold, most likely from one of the many people who were sick when I was in Cali. I had chicken soup for lunch at baby's urging. When baby's daughter came home, I carried her mountain bike downstairs for her so she could ride it. I walked around the parking lot a couple of times and went back upstairs. Baby called to tell me that she would be a little late because she would be giving a friend a ride. His car was in the shop for repairs. The highlight of the day was a trip to the CompUSA computer store. In some ways, it was very depressing to look at all the new computers that I will never be able to afford. Later, baby and I tried to access the competitor's journals, but we were denied. It appeared that the competitor's ISP was having some problems.

I have been so preoccupied with my ultimate return to Hawai'i that I have not felt like writing. My beloved cell phone has not rung, and I have no employment prospects. I need to face the facts. I am a loser. The stupid part is that I just want to pay off my $43,000 loan and disappear from society. I have no intention of slaving away to amass countless toys that only break prematurely. And, I don't want to stand around during coffee break with a bunch of cutthroat backstabbers.

I spent most of the afternoon working on the new look for these Web pages. I really don't know why, since I have yet to find a new ISP. The new look will be somewhat more commercial in flavor. So far, I have finished with the MonasteryNet jump page. The LoserNet Supersite will be revamped in a similar fashion. I like working on the graphical layout because it gets the creative juices flowing. Mind you, I use very archaic software here. Can you tell that many of the graphics were done with Windows Paintbrush? I'm probably better off with an Etch-A-Sketch. Sheesh! It is almost time to begin another chapter of the journal. Strange how the junctures in my life coincide with new journal chapters.

Baby had to visit a client. When she returned, she told me that she was almost involved in a traffic accident. She had a similar experience yesterday. Baby has also been suffering from a pulled muscle in her thigh, no doubt as a result of the Transporter (a new machine at the gym). I have been the massage boy for the last two days. I don't mind. At least I can serve some purpose.

I spent yet another day revamping the LoserNet site. I cannot believe what a chaotic mess it was. Sheesh! In the end, I hope that the end result is worth something. John (JDCTeam@aol.com) called me on my beloved cell phone as I was working on-line. We had a nice chat. As to be expected, the day could not continue without incident. We hurried down to watch Star Trek: Voyager in the clubhouse. Just like clockwork, the Chimp^tm came in at 9:54pm and used the tact of a warthog in closing up the place. I could not help but react, which ended up in small confrontation. The Chimp^tm has it out for me, although the reasons are unclear. What I find surprising is that I am being persecuted by a janitor! The rest of the evening was ruined, as I could barely keep my composure. I find it amazing to see testosterone overload in action. Guys are always ready to duke it out. I don't know whether he accidentally spilled some Janitor-in-a-Drum on his crotch, but the Chimp^tm is looking for trouble. From my own experience, trouble is always easy to find. If the Chimp^tm had spoken that way to The Bull, he'd be in traction. Speaking of The Bull (EquityBull@aol.com), he wrote and told me that all of the guys have been too wrapped up with their babes to do anything. He admitted that he was guilty of the same thing. He seems to be growing tired of the retired life, and may return to the working world. See why this man is a legend?

I stayed inside all day, just to prevent any chance that I would encounter the Chimp^tm. Baby was very worried that she will be evicted because of that monkey. What the Chimp^tm really needs is for someone to clean his clock because he doesn't know what time it is! To minimize the nonsense further, we will spend as little time as possible in the clubhouse. Amazing, isn't it? Terrorized by some brain donor! The more I think about it, though, the more I realize that the Chimp^tm is a bigot. The worst part is that he has a job. Sheesh! Baby's daughter had to witness the emergence of Evil Eunuch (the ol' lavahead's alter ego) last night, too. That is another good reason to chastise the fool.

I have too many other things to worry about than the Chimp^tm, I suppose. For one thing, I need to start up the new chapter of this journal. Sheesh! I also need to mentally prepare for my journey home. Baby has already made preliminary arrangements to sell her furniture and her car to a friend. That will expedite her eventual move to Hawai'i. In the meantime, I have put 9-1-1 in the speed dial directory of my beloved cell phone, just in case the Chimp^tm wants to meet his maker ... errr, I mean, his organ grinder.

There are only a few more days before it is time for the ol' lavahead to move on. Will he find a new ISP? Will he fix the six-four? Will he ever get a job? Find out as we hele on back to Hawai'i with the ol' lavahead in To Tofu ... With Love, Julie Newmar.

The Keeper of Lost Lives: Paradise Lost

Starring:
The Keeper of Lost Lives ... Tralfaz
Moms ... Herself
Baby ... Herself
And a cast of thousands!

© Copyright 1997 by The Keeper of Lost Lives
LoserNet^tm Love It, or Lose It.