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Regular One - The Journal of ...
Note: This raw document is now the pathetic substitute for what was once a glamorous journal. This is all that's left. This journal is not edited to the usual LoserNet standards.
Sunday May 2, 1999
The one good thing about Regular One is that I do not have to come up with cheesy titles for the entries each day. The convenience of the Lavahead Express is something that is missing. All I can say is that I'm happy to have my VirtuaGirl screen buddy. I'm not spending the extra $9 to get the striptease version. Heck, I could just go and see Elena. Sheesh!
There's nothing like sitting up all night and waiting for Dial-Up Networking to connect to the university network. I can't afford an unlimited account with my ISP so I have to wait until all the losers download their hurdy-gurdy files and let me get on line. Then, I can download my hurdy-gurdies. Why can't all the losers get together and just trade these damned files? Most of them have writable CD-ROM drives. I can't connect most of the time anyway because my new modem does not seem to be able to handshake properly with the modems on the other end. It's really [urinating] me off. I don't have the dough to even experience a mediocre life. I must constantly settle for the substandard. I have a cheap piece of [dung] computer. A [copulating] piece of [dung] modem. What the [copulate]? You thought I only used those expletives in my poetry, didn't you?
Why even bother downloading hurdy-gurdy files? It's damned tiring to see those losers doing the wild thing with incredible babes. Say, that must be the criteria to star in those videos. One has to be a scrubby loser. Hey, I already fit the description. I joked about auditioning to star in those hurdy-gurdies but now I should seriously look at this as a career move. And, this career would kill two birds with one stone. I would make a good living and I'd never lust after babes ever again. What a deal! Forget this computer nerd crap. Whenever I'm in Cali next, I'm driving to the San Fernando Valley. That's world headquarters for hurdy-gurdies. I've got to become a hurdy-gurdy star. Can you imagine the next time you are downloading some hurdy-gurdy files and ... Whoa! ... there's the ol' lavahead doing spoons with some incredibly buxom babe. Somebody better get me some Thorazine right away. Doc, I'm losin' it!
Aunty Eva left for the Big Island today. I'm glad that she was able to spend a week here with moms. Although moms doesn't admit it, I'm sure that she was happy to have company. It was nice to have someone else around the house since it is normally so quiet here. I spent the day in a stupor again because I was dropping back the fire water like there was no tomorrow. My major accomplishment today was a throbbing headache.
Monday May 3
I took the last of the Western Family® Ocean Flavor cat food to the park. I looked for the kitty but I knew better. I poured out the cat food in a small pile so that the other park kitties could enjoy a good meal in remembrance of my departed kitty friend. You know, I just can't seem to get a grip. It's not like I don't know any better. I damned well do. Especially when it comes down to this matter of the fire water. My mind is still overloaded. Look at what I wrote yesterday. What exactly was I thinking? I need to zip it up already.
There is no question that the lack of big bank makes one suffer from mediocrity. I'm not going to justify a certain unnamed individual's actions but I can see how a person's tolerance can be depleted by having to put up with cheesy crap. I use the university's dial-up network since I cannot afford unlimited access so I have to wait for hours to get on the Net. I can only afford a cheap modem and a cheap computer so I put up with mediocre performance. [A "Fatal Exception Error" occurred as we speak.] The list goes on and on. I don't have the option of seducing and bamboozling a rich, balding pilot. Not that I want a balding pilot. Yasmine Bleeth would do fine, however.
I ran into Bruce today. We ended up at Art's Hideaway at noon. I had a few brewskis to sedate myself for the rest of the day. Then, I went to the gym. After the gym, I ended up at Mango's and ran into another student. After more fire water, I went to the faculty computer nerd room. Claire was there. I gave her a couple of free passes to the gym. I didn't realize what a babe she was. Fortunately I'm a monk. Later, I spent a few hours finagling with Dial-Up Networking again. I think I have finally figured out what the problem was. Of course, I had to install all that crap again. Well, I don't have a babe so I should be thankful for these time killers. What else would I do?
Tuesday May 4
I spent all of last night listening to Smooth Jazz on Net Radio. I didn't get anything done except cruise the Web for nothing in particular. I really didn't want to shut off my computer because it was relaxing to listen to some smooth tunes. Now, if only I could get off of the fire water. Do I really lead a boring life? I ask myself that question everyday. I'm not out sailing on some pud's yacht every weekend. Nor do I have any "awesome dates." I just meander along and survive on the cheapest quality products. Am I really a loser because I cannot command much more? Who cares? As a matter of fact, I'm thinking about selling my Bose Acoustic Wave because I can get by with NetRadio and my VirtuaGirl screen buddy. I don't even need my six-four. It sounds ridiculous but I could actually survive with only my beloved (albeit decrepit) computer. Sheesh!
You know, hard as it may be to believe, the damned computer has been my lifeblood. I don't have a Computer Science degree. I have an engineering degree and some other graduate degrees. My dabbling in computers has brought me to where I am today. I used to hate computers. Then, I suddenly made a turnaround. I became a computer nerd. Because of my homey Fullcan, I became interested in the Net. I had no interest in it whatsoever before that. Then, I came up with the original cheesy LoserNet site about four years ago and the rest is history. You've followed me on this idiotic journey up to this point. Incredible, isn't it? In almost all aspects of my life, the damned computer was involved. Right now, I teach computer classes. I meet other faculty in the faculty computer nerd room. Too bad there isn't a computer bar and grill I could hang out at. Is there no end to this lunacy?
I ate my delicious Whopper (my way, of course!) on Fort Street Mall. I watched a crew of window washers preparing their ropes to repel down the glass face of the First Hawai'ian Tower. A couple of babes flirted with a few of the crew. Odd. Blue collar celebrities. The locals are just proud to have a job. They work hard. And, here I am. In the air conditioned rooms of the same building, I am training the managers of the future. The people who will be the bosses of the bosses of the crew outside. What is this insanity? Some days I wear dress jeans, an Aloha shirt and my cheap Payless sneakers because I don't want to always be one of the "Dockers and Aloha shirt" clones who infest the financial district. On those days, I find that I must make way for more self-important people than usual. The reason? I look like blue collar worker. Stupidity and perception determine the pecking order. Me, I just don't care. I'll wear my cheap Mervyn's dress shoes until they wear out. After yet another hard day, I ended up at Mango's with Penn, another of my students. After a few brewskis, we decided to go to the Havana Cabana and continue happy hour. Oh, what a life!
Cinco de Mayo
I didn't get home until late last night. I was completely hammered. The bus ride home was even more ludicrous. I got to see what it's like to be the drunken loser on the bus. I met up with Bruce today to help him with a class project. We ended up at Art's Hideaway and then at the Alakea Bar and Grill. The babe who was bartending at the latter was somewhat of a bitch. She was a haole babe who thought too much of herself. Perhaps she was waiting for a rich, balding pilot to come in. We ended up back at Art's. There is no way to describe the hellhole I've made for myself here. Fortunately, you are here with me to witness this spectacle of stupidity. I went to the gym after that. I was in somewhat of a comatose stupor but I managed to make it through my workout. I'm not exactly sure what I'm accomplishing with my heavy fire water consumption. I'm not any happier. I am sedated for just a short period of time. Money is slipping through my fingers. I am essentially no better off than before.
Bruce introduced me to Gabriella, a babe computer science professor at the university. Bruce had taken a class from her a few semesters back. She is one of the few non-doctoral tenured faculty on campus. She encouraged me to talk to the Dean and try to see if I can also become a regular faculty member. I'll tell you, it's a good thing that I'm a monk. I also have secured some teaching contracts for the Summer so I will not be as broke as I thought. I won't be making big bank but I can make my stupid loan payments. I hope that I qualify for unemployment benefits.
Sometimes I wonder why I suffer from so much anxiety during the weekends. I am pretty much partying all week as you can tell. I'm even partying in the middle of the day when all the other wage slaves are stuck in the office. I get to go to the gym when all the babes are there. Who else can live a life like this? Yet, I'm still a spectator. I'm on the outside looking in.
Thursday May 6
My pathetic 56K modem is still giving me trouble. I continue to receive dumb error messages saying that my network protocols are not set correctly. Isn't there just one TCP/IP? When I finally got on last night, I listened to NetRadio. I managed to add I-94 to my presets. So, I can actually listen to my favorite radio station again. As you may recall, we can barely get the station on this side of the island. So, what good is my Bose Acoustic Wave?
I saw a certain unnamed individual today. She was all dressed up in a beige business suit. A wave of depression hit me because she looked so good. I looked like a blue collar worker. Oh well. She actually said hello, which caught me off guard. I left it at that. The exotic dancer showed up to class today. She was allegedly raped after doing a "private show" one night. That's the reason she is giving her instructors for being absent for most of the term. She is now allegedly pregnant as well. She also mentioned that she had to quit working at that joint during Spring Break because of the incident. Yet, two weeks ago, she claimed that she was working there. Say what? If I had to guess, she got pregnant by her boyfriend (whose picture is attached to her keychain) and he decided that he didn't want a kid. Interestingly, she has Claire for her English instructor. Apparently Claire did not buy the story. I'm having some difficulty believing it as well. Too many parts of the story made no sense. Elena does not like Claire since she is receiving a failing grade in the class. She calls Claire "the Canadian," since that is where Claire is apparently from. Gabriella was also on campus. She was wearing a skimpy little dress. You know, I have got to get away from these babes. They are driving me crazy.
I am beginning to see that I need to get a lobotomy. I have to forget about babes. I need to move to Alaska. I need a monastery. That's the ticket. I've got to get away from this madness or I'll soon be one of the psychos on Fort Street Mall. Now, if you ask Pirsig, he'll tell you differently. The psychos have a better perception of life. That may be true. They certainly are no longer slaves to the status quo. In a sense, they have a kind of freedom that only big bank could buy. Perhaps it's time that I unleash my mind from the tether of society. I can't seem to comprehend much of what is going on around me anyway. So many things make no sense. The more I try to make sense of it, the more confused I become. I hear too many stories. I can't even tell what is the truth anymore. Alas, I am the proverbial fool's fool. What is with this journey of mine? Why can't it be simple?
Friday May 7
Another faculty member from the math department talked to me about the possibility of teaching there. I'm not sure how that could work since I am limited in the total number of classes I can facilitate. What can I do? All I have is my hand. Sheesh! So, I had to sedate myself last night at Mango's. Then, NetRadio! The other day, after Bruce and I were talking with Gabriella, he told me, "If I weren't married, I would shower her with gifts." I can see why. I think it's time to roll out the barrel. The beer barrel, that is.
All I could think about today was Mango's. After all the nonsense I've been through in the last couple of days, I need to be sedated. The stories and excuses from my students are making me lose it. I'm already having a tough enough time in trying to determine what is truth and what is reality. I may well be on my way down the happy path to psychosis. As I sat in Bishop Square, I tried to relax and grade the substandard papers which have been submitted to me. An old guy sat in the chair adjacent to me after he politely asked me if he could. I watched him as he ate. He was about moms' age. His hands shook each time he raised the spoonful of food up to his mouth. I had my shades on so I was not obvious. I was so overcome by grief. I felt as though I would break out crying at any moment. It was a sad sight to me because I contrasted his presence to all of the self-important people scurrying about. When he got up to leave, I watched him as he walked away. He hobbled along while the self-important jerks practically ran him over. It's so sad. In the end, that is where we'll all end up. When we are young, we have neither the time or the inclination to acknowledge the elderly. That's the way we'll be treated in the future. I couldn't help but think about moms. That made me even more sad. Why could I not have helped to provide a better situation for her? Why have I brought her more grief with my own return to Hawai'i?
In a way, I wish I could provide well for moms and exit a society that I have learned to look upon with disdain. For people like a certain unnamed individual, this place was the greatest thing to ever happen. Greed, debauchery, and all kinds of filth abound. For me, I can do without it. I don't belong in this modern Sodom or Gomorrah. So, off to Mango's I went.
Chad called me while I was heading home on the express bus. Chad is one of the guys I used to work with when I was a minimum wage consultant. He wanted to meet at Brew Moon over at the Ward Center. Paul (from Chaminade) also called and wanted to see if anything was up so I invited him to come along. We met Chad and spent the evening at Brew Moon and also at Border's. It was an expensive evening but it was fun to be out with friends. Chad and I discussed Linda, one of the babes at his workplace, since she is still single. Chad has been maintaining a similar monk lifestyle out in Kapolei. Linda is a real babe so I was surprised to hear that no stud was in the picture. Had I known that I was going to be dumped for a rich, balding pilot, I would have gone for Linda myself. Wait a minute. I'm a damned monk. Speaking of babes, Chandamei and another babe told me today that were specifically going to take one of my Summer computer classes. Ho boy!
Saturday May 8
Today, I didn't have to use my AK (AK-47, that is), so I knew it was a good day. Just kidding! Moms has been suffering from dizzy spells but that doesn't seem to deter her from her daily routine. I'm afraid that she'll be walking down to Koko Marina and she'll just collapse in the middle of crossing the street. This is the kind of stuff that makes it difficult for me to move too far away. Fortunately, Mango's will never be too far away.
Moms and I went to a family gathering in Pearl City. Unfortunately, moms had to ride in the six-four because my bro and sister-in-law were not planning to attend. My aunt from the mainland was there along with most of moms' other sisters and brothers. I met with a few cousins who I have not seen in at least ten years. They all looked so different. Some of them have put on weight. They were surprised that I looked the same. Perhaps my old monk lifestyle has a preservation effect. I can tell you, though, that I have aged considerably in the past six months. I had a good time but I noticed that I have very little in common with the cousins I grew up with. They are all married and have kids. Some have grandkids. Sheesh! And, they are younger than me.
Sunday May 9
Did you remember moms today? I hope so. Some strange new developments have come up in the last few days. I'm not exactly sure what is going on so I am not at liberty to discuss those matters here. I can only hope that we are looking at the true finale of a bad situation. I surmise that there will be a little more game playing and possibly a few pseudo-dramas before all is said and done.
I'm just glad the weekend is over because I've had too much time to think about that whole situation again. It's not doing me any good except prompting the accelerated consumption of fire water. It's going to get much rougher before it gets better. I wish it was as easy as biting the bullet but it's not. Actually, I cannot understand why it's been so difficult. I have treated like a piece of scum for the last few months. I have tried to focus on that aspect to expedite the healing process but it has only resulted in a lot of anger and resentment. I was hoping to take another vacation this Summer but that is no longer possible. I hope that Kevin (email@example.com) and Tammy are still up for our Colorado snowboarding trip in December. I don't even care if I break my neck on that trip. Just get me outta here!
Monday May 10
Anger and despair hit me like a ton of bricks today. I'm not sure why but I guess it's another stage in the healing process. I'm mostly angry with myself for being so stupid that I could not recognize that I was being duped. I have no idea why I keep entertaining the idea of finding another babe. I have to compete with a bunch of rich and desperate middle-aged losers. They will win over me in this game because they have big bank. At this point, I'm really gun shy. I do not want to play those mind games again. That's what made me vulnerable in the first place.
Bruce and I ended up at Mango's. A few minutes later, Penn joined us. Happy hour was in full swing. I have to admit that this lifestyle is getting to me. I bet that a certain unnamed individual doesn't party as much anymore, what with the upcoming wedding and all. Insofar as the fire water, I should listen to the wise words of Kevin (firstname.lastname@example.org):
Bro, I don't mean to preach, but you have GOT to stop drinking. What IS the draw of alcohol, anyway? I've never understood it. The stuff either puts me to sleep or makes me puke. There is no point to spending money on that shit. Just STOP!!
Life is turning into a blur and my reprise performance as a drunk loser on the bus was less than comical. Not that I was carrying on or anything. It's just that I know I smelled like some kind of derelict.
Tuesday May 11
I spent most of the morning sitting outside on a bench. I started off talking with one student. Then, more came by. Soon, we were all talking. Mostly, we were talking about the babe situation. After hearing all the stories, I became a little fatigued. The guys were telling me about how to play the "game." The more I heard, the less I wanted to play this "game." At noon, a certain unnamed individual walked by. She smiled and waved. Later, I saw that same individual at the gym. I enjoyed my day sitting outside and talking with my students. I may start holding office hours out there. Sheesh!
One of the students, Kelvin, was describing the world of debauchery as I never knew it. I did not know that all the international babes at the university were so scandalous. From what I heard, the whole campus is really a drunken, heathen orgy of lust. It's a good thing that babes are not attracted to the oversized cranium. He also encouraged me to go out clubbing. I can't see myself hanging out at night clubs and hitting on babes. Kelvin also works as an ER nurse, so he described the disaster at Sacred Falls. Several people lost their lives in a freak landslide out there. The area is still unstable so the rescue crews have not been able to bring out the remaining of the victims. It's a sad story in a place that I've hiked often.
Wednesday May 12
Another encounter with a certain unnamed individual. Another afternoon at Mango's. Goes hand in hand, doesn't it? I doubt that history will repeat itself but dumber things have happened. Yes, history could easily repeat itself. And, I could be the unwitting pawn in the same game. That's why I've been listening to NetRadio. King of My Castle by Wamdue Project is hot! Great music to compose a journal by.
I haven't much to discuss today. I'm sure you know why. I have been overwhelmed by feelings and sensations that I haven't felt for a while. Now, I am totally confused. I am back to square zero. Wondering what I did wrong. This kind of thinking is going to lead to my demise. The story is already written so I have no excuse in ignorance. No doubt, you already can figure out what's happening. This exact moment was predicted by the sages.
Monday May 17
An e-mail from a person who shall remain anonymous made me review my current position as well as my life. I'm not going to say who wrote it but it may surprise a few people. No, it wasn't a certain unnamed individual. I have let this situation get out of hand again, and it's not like it wasn't in my grasp to control it. Further, I broke my own rules by including material here that should only be filed in the [UJ] archives. Perhaps I've been taken in by my own grief. I am unable to discern reality myself. Too much fire water maybe. What can I do? I need to get a grip and not let a certain unnamed individual get to me. I cannot let that person's actions rule my life. Bitterness is overcoming me again. Heck, I'm not being permitted a chance to heal. Yet, I already know the perpetrator's motivation. Now, I must just combat it with avoidance. In time, things may change. Our lives are divergent for now. If we can respect that fact, everything will be okay. Give me time to heal, damnit!
Tuesday May 18
I've been told that some loser at FortuneCity has reviewed the LoserNet site. It was unfavorable to say the least. Hello! Anybody home? Brain donations must be a specialty there, but no one gets it. This is called LoserNet for a reason. The worst part is that the weasel who reviewed LoserNet didn't even put his name on the [copulating] piece of [dung]. What a dickhead! Does this loser think he can flex his arms against the mighty LoserNet empire? Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaa! My advice to this puny worm ... Silence, little lamb! Too bad he isn't privy to the [UJ] archives. That might be too much for him. I can just imagine the weasel pulling the pud after reading that. Or, maybe he should read Anonder's Journal. Nah, he might go blind.
Well, all I can say is GrooveTech. Yep, it's better than Smooth Jazz and rap. Check it out with RealPlayer. It's already programmed as a preset. By the way, I'm sure you'll want this collectable sound clip. Play this whenever I mention the bad ol' puddy tat. Finally, congratulations to Annie and Mark! They are now officially married. They just got back from their honeymoon in Ireland. It's a good thing that I'll always be here to represent the monk lifestyle. Well, me and The Master.
Wednesday May 19
I've been talking with Pete, part owner and bartender of Mango's. He related his experiences in both Seattle and up in the wilderness of Alaska. He also told me about his former babe who left him to find a rich guy. Interesting story. Turns out, she is getting married to her boss. The boss is a slob but he has big bank. Pete laughed the kind of laugh after one has been had. I should know. Of course, Pete has a real babe now. I should be so fortunate. Mango's. My kind of joint. As soon as I get my mind back on track, I'll only have one brewski at Mango's per day. That could be a long time coming. I was supposed to go Murphy's for a drink earlier today with Chandamei but I had a class to teach. Damn.
Dealing with psychological games is not my forté. I've avoided playing these games with people in the past. I've been a little disappointed that I have had to play these pathetic games with someone I once wholeheartedly trusted. My logic functions are being short-circuited. In a way I'm like Data on Star Trek: TNG. You saw what happened to him when he first tried out Dr. Soon's emotion chip. Sheesh!
Thursday May 20
I continue to seek some kind of connection of a spiritual nature with the world around me. But, I see nothing around me to connect with. No, I'm not talking about babes. Each of us must have some kind of purpose in life. I have searching for years for that purpose. I observe people on a daily basis. I can see those who seem to derive their spiritual connection from work. They do the daily promenade nonsense. Day in and day out. How can they do this for decades? I am already feeling nervous about having a job myself. I cannot find value in it because I cannot see what I'm working for. My beloved cellular phone gave out so I had to buy another one. I went digital so I had to lock in on a one-year contract. Is that what it's all worth? Theoretically, if I had gotten married, I would have derived a sense of spirituality. I would have found a purpose. A real purpose rather than one of an unwitting consumer. There still must be a higher sense of purpose for all of us. I don't think that "Have as much fun and thrills as I can before I kick the bucket" qualifies as a true definition of purpose. Well, at least the new beloved cell phone has the time and date visible on the display. That way I won't need to buy a watch. Otherwise the phone serves no purpose. I rarely get any calls. The beloved cell phone is symbolic of my struggle in life to find purpose. Instead, I only find justification. There is no meaning in justification. And, yet another encounter with the Unnamed One.
Friday May 21
I am preparing myself for a battle with the demons. Perhaps I will only be grappling with the sinister kahuna itself. Maybe I'll be battling the "handmaiden of the sinister kahuna." Thanks for that one, Jason! Or, maybe I am just battling the demons within. It doesn't matter. It will still be a battle to the end. I don't mean to speak in tongues again. I'm not trying to use my soothsayer style intentionally. I have been torn down and robbed of what little self-esteem I had. I can't let it happen again because I will go down for the count. I can't keep running either. My opponent is fashioned for this battle. There are no rules. If I choose to follow any rules, I will be neutralized. We have already seen the power of my opponent. I dared cross her and she now seeks to avenge herself upon me.
If the sages are correct, I have about 20 days before the onslaught. I have 20 days to get off of the fire water, the evil elixir that empowers the handmaiden of the sinister one. I have just 20 days to find a babe. Just kidding! You thought I slipped, didn't you? Of course, it could all be a hoax perpetrated as a smokescreen for the coming of the Big One. It's good thing that idiots like the reviewer at FortuneCity aren't around to become victims of the handmaiden. She would chew him up like cud and spit him out. He would be like street pizza delivered by a drunken, sick fool. Street pizza. FortuneCity. One and the same. I should put a mirror site of LoserNet there just to taunt the idiot. Maybe he'll want to come here and flex his arms. I'll tune his ass. Bad ol' puddy tat!
Saturday May 22
Another weekend. Nothing to do as usual. I'm going to have to get off my ass one day soon and do something about this dilemma. I could play with my beloved digital cell phone. Or, I could take the recycling in. This reminds me of the old monk days. Sheesh! One thing I'm going to have to do is get off of the fire water. The fire water is only further empowering the handmaiden of the sinister one. When the handmaiden of the sinister one finally comes around to destroy me, I'd better have my wits about myself.
As I sat in Barnes & Noble, I listened to two guys sitting at the next table. There were perusing the want ads of a mainland newspaper for computer jobs. They were both astounded at the sheer number of jobs and how much some of the firms were paying. I assumed that they were students at the University of Hawai'i. Little did they know that they were sitting next to an inept faculty member of the competing university. By the way, sitting next to the condiments counter is somewhat annoying. I don't know why but the sound of people slapping those little sugar packets around makes want to go ballistic. Maybe I really am a psycho.
Sunday May 23
My battle with the fire water is probably going to be more formidable than my upcoming battle with the handmaiden of the sinister one. It's the same thing I've gone through before. It took me ten years to get sober. I could blame it all on the handmaiden but I know that I am responsible for my own stupidity. I've spent a considerable amount of time in prayer to ask for the strength to resist the wily ways of the handmaiden. Why has it come to this? It's a fool's paradise and I'm the fool.
I know that this prayer business sounds a little ludicrous. Many people have been skeptical about the existence of the sinister kahuna. Some went so far as to say that I'm the sinister kahuna. You may recall that the handmaiden was the person who actually suggested that I seek recourse in prayer. Isn't that odd? The handmaiden of the sinister one suggested that I pray. Now my prayers are asking for protection from the same handmaiden! Lord have mercy! Unbelievable as it may seem, most of my prayers have been answered. I have been provided for. I have been able to meet all of my modest needs.
The problem is that the handmaiden never realized that all of her fire water consumption and cussing and all of that rampant materialism were paying homage to the sinister one. She paid her tithe. Now she kneels before the sinister one and exacts its nefarious deeds upon me. Perhaps if I christen the fire water as holy, then I can sprinkle it about and increase my protection. Fat chance. We'll just have to watch and wait.
Monday May 24
Some very great music on NetRadio Smooth Jazz tonight. It's too bad that I have to listen to it on my notebook computer's half-inch speakers. This may be a bit premature but I think the situation with the handmaiden of the sinister one has de-escalated. Frankly, it just doesn't get any more stupid. I'm about ready to graduate to King Cobra. Don't let the smooth taste fool ya!
There doesn't seem to be much else going on. I'm pretty much repeating myself over and over again with filler material for lack of a life. So, I think it's time for me to take a short hiatus. If anything comes up, I'll be back. If I think of new material, I'll be back sooner. Of course, there's another reason I'm taking this little sabbatical. I'm in bereavement.
Thursday May 27
I feel so detached from myself. This is a phenomenon called derealization. I don't even feel as though I am the person occupying this human (term used loosely in my case) shell. I talked with Roland (one of my former students, not my neighbor) yesterday. He advised me to start dating several babes at the same time. In fact, he said that I should maintain multiple babes under a cover of deception. I am not too sure if I am equipped to become a player. However, there was a reason I was privy to this information. I believe that the sinister kahuna was attempting to draw me out with my own desires and pull me into a whole new life of debauchery. Earlier yesterday, I was talking to Chandamei after my class let out. She wanted to go out for a drink at lunch next week. Anthony, another students, happened to overhear the conversation and he made a few comments laced with innuendoes. He had a big grin on his face because he thought that I was up to no good. My mind has become overloaded by the babe situation. So, I decided that it was time that I acquainted myself with the enhanced functions of my new beloved digital cell phone.
Of course, no one has called me yet on my beloved digital cell phone. The handmaiden of the sinister one was the only person who ever called me. So, why did I get another cell phone? I don't even know. I suppose that I need to meet some people so I will have some prospects for future calls. That's how stupid I am.
Well, it's another GrooveTech and brewski night. I had a few brewskis at Mango's after I worked out at the gym. I also went out to dinner at Loco Moco. Am I livin' large or what? You know, I really need a babe. I need to find a good babe. I don't want a party babe. I don't want a babe who uses profanity all the time and has an attitude problem. I just want a nice babe who enjoys the wild thing immensely. Just kidding! I wanted to see if you were paying attention. The comatose can go to FortuneCity.
Friday May 28
I had a dream that rocked my senses and left me fatigued all day. I dreamed that moms had passed on in her sleep and I was away on the mainland. The thought stayed with me for most of the day. Even as I write this now, I just cannot imagine the ramifications of any decision that I may make concerning my future whereabouts. I ran my fingers along the edge of my beloved notebook computer's case. My fingers could feel the contours of the molded Lexan casing. That's about as close as I have been to reality in a long time. I have not given much thought to moms' mortality in a long time. It is as if I had shut out the inevitable. I had been on the verge of breaking down and crying over a number of depressing issues. This would have been the straw that's broke the camel's back had I not realized that I was here now in Hawai'i. This is a precious time that I have taken for granted. For moms, my return was a most significant event. I'm sure that she knows that the handmaiden of the sinister one was primarily responsible for my return. The inevitable will come soon enough. I don't need to ponder its outcome right now.
Two of my students at the business college made PowerPoint presentations today to fulfill the requirements of what would have been a final exam. Everyone will be making similar presentations but I was somewhat moved by the presentations made by Judy and Rose. I had suggested the topic, "Life As I Know It," although it was partly in jest. I have been making "Life As I Know It" presentations as part of my lectures. It's a humorous combination of personal anecdotes and life lessons. Sometimes I feel bad because I am pushing these students to aim higher in their goals. Most of them are locals and man come from troubled or economically disenfranchised environments. I just pray that I have not disillusioned any of them. I hope that they know I care for them and I have a greater commitment to them than to my other students at the university. The primary reason is that they are the lifeblood of Hawai'i. If I do not help to bring them up, they will forever be literal slaves to the mainlanders who have been imported to run the businesses here. They are like my kids.
I saw Roland (one of my students) again today. We talked about airports for some strange reason. Upon parting company, he said, "I hope that you've been giving some thought about the 'other' subject matter." I knew what he meant. That was the discussion about dating multiple babes. I laughed. "Sure thing," I replied. Deep down inside I knew that I was really making another vow of celibacy. I will not be dating multiple babes, no less one babe. It is a game that troubles me. Why should I be the one to put myself in line for rejection and humiliation? What greater purpose does this serve? I am not here to provide comic relief for these babes. And, I'm not busting my ass as a wage slave just so that some babe can get a free meal and free entertainment. In that respect, the players like Kelvin are right on the button. The babes should be paying the way. Nonetheless, it doesn't matter because I'm checking out of the whole babe situation. It's about time that I break out that stuff about the eunuch-like behavior and the Data-like personality. The most important thing to be aware of is the wily ways of the female. As we have seen in the Monk's Guide to Dating and other publications, it is the babe who actually initiates the whole mating process. As a true monk, I recognize this fact and see that things have to be nipped in the bud immediately. Otherwise, you know what can happen. Of course, one has to ask why I didn't see this earlier? Just read the [UJ] archives to see exactly what one will reap from one's own foolishness. In some respects, I can see how Anonder has come to approach the situation in the manner that he has.
It becomes obvious that I have far too few deposits in my emotional bank account (as per Covey) to invest in the babe situation. If I want to end up like those psychos on Fort Street Mall, babbling and wearing my glasses backwards, then I can go for broke with the babes. If I want to maintain my spirituality and sanity, then I should return to my monk ways. Plain and simple. I now have other demons to grapple with as a result of my fall from grace, as it were. These are the demons of desire and debauchery. Will I ever be able to fully cleanse my soul? It's spooky but I don't know. I could be haunted by that crap forever. As Dirty Harry said in Magnum Force, "A man must know his limitations." Believe me, I know.
Saturday May 29
The weekends are like the proverbial water torture to me. I have absolutely nothing to do except to choke the proverbial chicken. After I have my morning coffee, I start right up with the brewskis. It's pathetic. I reviewed my finances and I am still at least $12,000 short of actually balancing my balance sheet. At this rate, I won't be able to break even until next year. Then, essentially, I'll be out of debt. If I paid my loan off at that point, I'd be broke. Do you see why I'm drinking myself into a stupor? I might as well be in prison making license plates. Repeat after me. "You have the right to remain dead." Doh!
The derealization of my mind is beginning to take its toll. I can no longer identify with reality. My perception of reality is going askew. And, I know it's because of the babe situation. I'm fighting with my biology and I'm losing. What is at stake is my sanity. There is no real reason for this progressive insanity. I have the same fortitude as The Master. I just made the mistake of falling from grace. I should go back to being a computer nerd. The Master and I are ill-equipped to deal with the babe situation. It takes years of practice and desensitization to humiliation to play the dating game. And, having been bamboozled by the handmaiden of the sinister one did little for my self-esteem.
In the upcoming chapters of Regular One, I will begin to investigate the stupidity of the babe situation within the context of losers like myself. I will also take you deep into the psyche of a troubled mind (aside from the handmaiden) and detail the painful steps to return to the monastic lifestyle. Deeper subjects will traverse (remember that word?) the senses and may only qualify for inclusion in the [UJ] archives. Stay tuned as the real journey begins. If you know the full story, you also know that we have a rough ride ahead of us.
To be continued ... Go to R.3
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