Regular One - The Journal of ...

Note: This raw document is now the pathetic substitute for what was once a glamorous journal. This is all that's left. This journal is not edited to the usual LoserNet standards.

Saturday June 26, 1999

Coming soon to a madhouse near you. I talked with Tom this morning. We exchanged some woeful tales. I had to break open a brewski as we talked. Tom has gone through some bad times not only with his family but also at work. He is also moving out of his place because his family has decided to sell the house. So, he will be living in Templeton now. He still has his babe which is a good thing. If he were in my shoes, he might have gone berserk. He also gave me some opinions about my tentative move to the Siberia of the West. Actually, I became excited at the prospect of moving there.

I have been talking with a few more faculty members at the university. I'm actually getting to know some of them better. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one struggling to survive. Most of them are amazed at the number of classes I facilitate. In a way, I do possess some tenacity. I've always enjoyed academia. I don't know why. Yet, my trips to Mango's and some of my other stories are going to make me the stuff of legends one day. "You're the kind of guy we need around here," one of the faculty told me.

I have unwittingly become a renegade at the business college as well. Since I took the class to Murphy's and have been having "power lunches" there with some of the students, my reputation has changed. Most of the students have stood behind me as I have been called to the mat by the administration. I still suspect some envy on the part of the other instructors. I think they want to do me in. More reason to move to the Siberia of the West.

I have finally forgiven the handmaiden of the sinister one. She will be going through a tough time as well. Hypergamy isn't always the answer to all questions. The fire water is killing me. I need to do something. I must forgive myself as well. I am feeling pains again in the area of my liver. That is what finally brought me to my senses when I went on the wagon the last time. Even Bruce has been trying to get me to see the light. Lord knows I need to do something now.

Sunday June 27

I am losing my mind. So, I am considering something stupid. I may make a quick trip to Cali this coming weekend. There are still seats available although the airfare is $520. Is that worth my sanity? I managed to talk on the phone with Kevin in LA and also Big John back in Convalescent City. I really miss all my homeys in Cali. I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do about my sanity if I have to wait until December to go on vacation. Of course, Kevin, Tammy and I are supposed to end up in Colorado for some snowboarding fun. Unless I move to the Siberia of the West.

Monday June 28

Tonight I am listening to Rap on NetRadio. Why not? I can relate to that kind of music. After all, the handmaiden looks down on me like I am some kind of dung on the sidewalk. She thinks she is so much better than I because she is boinking some slimeball with stringy hair and a bald spot who drives a Mercedes. Perhaps that is my problem. I am pissed off because that bitch is laughing at me. She has shown me a thing or two. She has made a chimp out of me. Look at the prize she has landed. Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaa! Don't even let me start. I am too confused to think straight. Everyone has been trying to talk sense into me. Why can't I listen to the voice of reason?

All I know is this. The punk ass slimeball better not try to front me. I just hope that one day the handmaiden will have an opportunity to see me with another babe. I'd like her to have the pleasure of sitting around and thinking about how I'm boinking her. She would want to kill me. That would be the ultimate payback.

Tuesday June 29

I had lunch with Ginger, Cherie and Marietta today. This is getting to be fun. It actually looks like I know some babes. I was telling Cherie and Chandamei that I was planning to go to Cali for the weekend. Cherie had suggested that we should have rented a cabana out at the Turtle Bay Resort and partied all weekend. Why didn't they come up with that idea earlier? Anyway, maybe we'll do that for Labor Day.

The handmaiden may have gone into surgery or she may have moved out of Hawai'i Kai. This raises some interesting questions considering all that has been said recently. Word from the 'hood is that she hasn't been around since Thursday. More on that later.

Wednesday June 30

Everyone has been bamboozled but the truth eventually comes out. The handmaiden is one sleazy bitch. Fortunately, I have decided to leave for Cali on Friday. I need some fresh air and I have to get away from the evil machinations of the handmaiden. She has stooped to an even lower level of debauchery. Word now has it that she is planning to stay in Hawai'i Kai and she plans to lure her latest victim into her lair as I had originally suspected. Once again, I have to ask, "How does that skank get away with that crap?" The latest information comes from the handmaiden's friend. I am finally beginning to see the light. I've really been had, but I was fortunate to make it out before any real damage ensued. Still, I am suffering from post-traumatic stress. I was psychologically traumatized. The three days in Cali will cost me about $800 or so, but I am hoping to come back a new man.

I am worried about moms. This morning at 5am, I was awakened by what I thought was a car warming up. It was the kitchen exhaust fan turned on full blast. Moms has no idea how that happened. I know that I didn't get up and turn it on. This makes me apprehensive about moving away from home. This is still a viable option for me. However, I must be absolutely sure that moms will be okay.

Thursday July 1

One more day before my big trip to Cali. I may have an interview in LA so this is now partially a business trip. I don't feel so vain now. Bruce, Ginger, and I had lunch at Murphy's today. I enjoy the fact that I have people to do things with during the day. However, I still have nothing to do on the weekends.

You know, I just realized that my classes are made up mostly of women. It's amazing but it's true. And, I share a lot of things with my classes like my situation. They know about Mercedes Boy and how I was replaced by him. In fact, it's kind of funny because I never noticed until one of the babes in one section mentioned that there were no guys in the class. Today, one of the babes mentioned that I need to find a new babe. I don't think so. I need to get back on the monk track. I am incapable of having another relationship. It's too much for me. Sure, I'll be lonely, but what else is new? I just need to get comfortable with my regained singularity. Beyond that, I won't even speculate. What's the purpose? I always have GrooveTech and the fire water.

This trip to Cali will be my rejuvenation. It could be my salvation. I'm not taking my beloved computer this time. I believe that I can get Net access wherever I am. I will carry my essential files on floppy disk just in case I can do any writing. Otherwise, we'll see y'all in Cali!

Friday July 2

The plane trip to Cali was enjoyable. I sat next to a babe who was moving back to Minnesota after spending two years in Kailua-Kona on the Big Island. We chatted for most of the trip (about five hours). Her name was Kerri. For the most part, it was a spiritual discussion. We discussed many aspects of life which we shared common values. I don't think that she realized what an impact she had on me. It was as if my prayers were answered because I had been dying to talk to someone about something other than the usual trivia. When we landed, I walked her to the gate of her connecting flight. I thanked her for keeping me company and wished her the best in the future.

I picked up my rental car. The car had Nevada plates. So, here I am, a guy from Hawai'i with a Cali license driving a Nevada car. Sheesh! I drove out to Rancho Cucamonga in San Bernadino County. The drive took about an hour. I couldn't help but think about my conversation with Kerri. I have no idea why but I concluded that there was a reason Kerri was there. She was delivering a message to me. I arrived just a few minutes at Kevin's place before Kevin and Tammy came home. Tammy also flew in today from Kansas. We went out for a late dinner at Spire's and called it a night.

Saturday July 3

I spent most of the day being a "third wheel." I didn't mind. After all, I was sort of barging in on Kevin's private moment since his relationship with Tammy is currently long distance. As I observed the happy couple, I began to have more doubts about myself. Perhaps the handmaiden was right about me. Maybe I was an unaffectionate boor. I realized then that I could never be with another babe. I silently renewed my vow of celibacy. Kevin means well. I know that he is concerned about my welfare. He wants me to stop consuming the fire water. So, he initiated the ritual where I would pour out a beer into the sink each day I'm here in LA. I know he's right, but will I be able to stop once I get back to Hawai'i?

I wanted to let Kevin and Tammy enjoy their privacy so I drove out to Inglewood to visit Rod. It has been over three years since I saw him last. We cruised around the 'hood and stopped in a few places. We also stopped by to see Rod's homey James. We ended up talking about starting up some kind of e-Commerce site. It sounds kind of promising but the nature of the business is dubious. Still, I am tempted to pursue it. We went back to Rod's place after that for happy hour. What a day I'm having!

Sunday July 4

I drove up to Convalescent City today. The drive up the coast was just gorgeous. I couldn't have asked for a nicer day. I spent only four hours in Convalescent City. I met up with Tom. He was in the process of moving out of his old place. His babe Veronica was there helping him. I'll have to say that Tom has done well for himself. I also ran into Scott, an old buddy from way back. He's the captain of one of the fire stations. We chatted for a little while before he had to leave because of a emergency call. I had not seen Scott in over five years. Finally, I met up with Big John. We chatted for a long time. I filled him in about the whole situation. He was shocked to hear about all the nonsense. I spent my Fourth of July driving back to LA. Not exactly an exciting event. Oh well. I had plenty of time to think about my situation.

When I returned to Kevin's place, I was a little down. Kevin and I went out so I could get some dinner. We had a short man-to-man discussion. I don't expect Kevin to be a nursemaid to me but he has been a good friend. I didn't come to Cali to whine about the handmaiden but it was predominantly on my mind. "I sure hope that I don't read in the journal that you got back together with her," he told me. Don't worry, it won't happen. She's already shacking up with Mercedes Boy.

Monday July 5

My last day in Cali. I had a short phone interview in the morning. Kind of strange. I thought that I'd be doing the interview in person since I was right here in Cali. Well, at least I may have another option with my life. I'm not sure what I am going to do but I will be coming up to a critical juncture soon. My sanity will also depend on this decision. Kevin, Tammy and I then went to Starbuck's for breakfast. I left shortly afterward after bidding the happy couple good-bye. I stopped in to see Rod again before I drove to the airport. I returned the car and made it just in time to board my plane.

The flight home was uneventful as was my bus ride back to Hawai'i Kai. I spent most of my time thinking about the weekend. I had a good time but there were some strange aspects. My chance encounter with Kerri. The e-Commerce venture. The interview. Male bonding. I managed to also talk with Caroll but only by phone. She was not able to meet me in Convalescent City.

"You need to start dating," she told me.

"I can't," I replied. "I just cannot play that game."

"It's not a game," she assured me.

Caroll was right. I have to do something but I am just not comfortable asking babes out. I'm sure they will not be impressed and I'm not in the mood to be shut down. Like I said, it was a strange weekend. There was a reason that I had to make this trip. I must sift through the various messages. Then, I must decide what to do next.

Tuesday July 6

The dubious e-Commerce business was on my mind for most of the day. I called Bruce to see what he knew about it. He suggested that we do some research. Therefore, we will be in engaged in a two-week fact-finding mission. As I said, the nature of this business is dubious but we may have no choice. What would drive me to this point of debauchery?

Other aspects of my life seem to be in a state of flux again. I'm tired of being subjected to the whims of the bourgeoisie. People just like Mercedes Boy. My opportunities seem to be vanishing, so I may have no choice but to make my own opportunities. Enter Bruce. Bruce and I have the expertise to handle the Hawai'i end of the operation. We just have to see that all our Toilet Ducks are lined up in a row. It's my last chance before I go back to Club Cobra. Don't let the smooth taste fool ya!

Wednesday July 7

I forgot to mention that Kevin gave me a can of Bush's baked beans when I was in LA. When I saw the can, I almost started crying. It brought back old memories. I brought the can home with me and it is now sitting where I can see it as a reminder of the old days. I won't break it open for a while.

I read the latest update from Anonder with keen interest. It seems that Anonder has gone through a breakup with his babe Elizabeth. The degradation of the relationship started on June 8th. My interest was peaked when I read about the confrontation of June 12th and the ultimatum given on June 23rd. Also, Anonder mentioned some unusual facts from the coffee table books he read at his babe's place. On June 13th, he cited an interesting correlation between cancer and the breakup of relationships from one of those books. The actual breakup took place on June 27th in a manner that made me cringe. Even in my own situation, I was puzzled by the actions of the handmaiden. Babes are very puzzling creatures to me. I don't think I will ever understand them. Reading Anonder's account of his situation made me even more confused. In a way, I believe that there were some messages here for me. Of particular interest was Helen's assessment of Elizabeth's sudden decision to avoid the use of birth control. As you know, I have been haunted by my own experience in this area.

Thursday July 8

I have discovered that I can run but I have nowhere to hide. Everyone I know has a life. My trips to Cali have been foolish as I have intruded in other people's lives. I must find my own life now. Cali is no longer my place of refuge. Nothing seems to be panning out so I must accept my lot in life. I assume that there must be a greater purpose to what is happening. That greater purpose is that I'm being dogged out as a scapegoat by the sinister kahuna. And, I'll have to remain in Hawai'i. Sheesh!

My day started off bad. I was pissed off because of the on-going politics at the business college as well as the lackadaisical attitude of the students (mostly locals). However, we had a little bit of levity in my last afternoon class. Phillip, one of my former students, usually comes in to hang out. Today, he gave us a demonstration of "booty" dancing. Things got pretty wild. I thought for sure I would have another write-up. Sometimes I see why I have developed an unusual rapport with my students.

So far, no babes have thrown themselves at me. Little wonder why. The ol' lavahead is not a babe magnet. Well, maybe I'm more like what Kevin (cyclist@flash.net) once claimed, "I'm a babe magnet but in a non-ferrous world." I'm beginning to lose it again. I can't stop thinking about babes. I want to do the wild things with babes. This is all because of the handmaiden. Why am I turning into a lecherous old loser instead of the straight-laced monk I once was? I have fallen from grace. I am controlled by my biology again. What the hell is going on? I quickly ran down to Foodland and bought some fire water. I sedated myself as best as I could. I felt myself being pulled into the vortex of debauchery again. This is very painful for me because there is no relief. Unless I can find a babe, that is. Fat chance. I think that the handmaiden is using voodoo on me.

Friday July 9

Paul (from Chaminade) and I went out on the town tonight. First, we stopped in at Mango's for its first year anniversary party celebration. Then, we went to the Aloha Tower Marketplace for more non-stop action. There were babes everywhere. Paul has been drowning his sorrows over his ex-babe for most of the week. I am pretty much over the situation with the handmaiden although I have had recurring bouts of melancholia. We ate dinner at the Big Island Steak House before ending up hammered at Gordon Biersch. In a way, it's a pathetic situation. However, I believe that Paul and I are beginning to see the futility of this lifestyle. Unless, of course, we snap into action with some of the babes at these places. What can we do unless we play "the game"?

I have also had recurring panic attacks in the middle of the night just like in the days of my so-called "time of reckoning." It's beginning to fatigue me. I'm not sure what the cause is. Most likely it has something to do with the babe situation. Word from the 'hood is that the handmaiden is definitely shacking up with scumbag. The good news is that she may move out at the end of the month. The handmaiden is a real piece of work, isn't she?

Moms has been in considerable pain although she has yet to admit it. How do I know? She came home the other day with some generic pain killer that her friend suggested. Moms had already indicated that she will not take any prescription pain killers. So, I knew that her feeble attempt to find an alternative was a definite indicator that all was not right. Perhaps there is a reason why my opportunities to go abroad have diminished. I would rather hope that I'm wrong. Still, I have to consider my independence. I have little freedom to do much. And, the belittling comments of the handmaiden have stuck in my mind. You may recall how she insinuated that I was a "momma's boy."

Saturday July 10

I was losing my mind as usual. This happens every weekend. So, I started up with the fire water right after my morning coffee. I managed to call Bruce to find out about an e-Commerce conference that he registered us for. That will be two weeks from now. Next week, Bruce and I are going on a fact-finding mission for the dubious e-Commerce project I've mentioned. Our mission will take us deep into the heart of the seediest part of town along Hotel Street. Join us next Monday for yet another boring adventure.

I was hammered by noon. I called Paul (from Chaminade) and was surprised that he was still on O'ahu. Yesterday, he said that he was going to fly over to Kaua'i. Paul came by with more fire water. We sat around and talked about a variety of issues although our conversation became less coherent as the fire water consumption increased. We drove down to Foodland to buy some snacks. Of course, we ran a short "recon" mission past the handmaiden's lair. The unkempt yard was an indicator that no one has been around for days. The grass was completely brown and dead. I could only guess what the rose bushes in the back look like. The yard probably hasn't been watered since the handmaiden's progeny left Hawai'i last month. We can probably count the days when the handmaiden will finally slip into the night with all of her worldly possessions and disappear forever into the opulent life of the rich and famous with Mercedes Boy.

I went to Barnes & Noble this evening to sober up. One of the babes in the café asked me where I've been. I didn't know that my absence last week would be noticed by anyone. After all, I am invisible especially to babes. I also listened to several Smooth Jazz CDs in the music department. I was practically crying as I listened to the CDs. I had to make sure that I wasn't so obvious to the other patrons. As I've said before, I love Smooth Jazz but it brings on a lot of pain for me. The music is so romantic. I hope that one day I will have someone special who will share some quiet moments and listen to Smooth Jazz with me.

I also talked with Caroll earlier today. She has moved out of her place. It was a depressing situation for her, she said. Her brother helped her move. They cleaned the place out including the refrigerator and range. Caroll said that they even took the toilet seats. We laughed about that. This move should bring some financial relief to Caroll. I'm sure that she will be depressed for a long time over losing her place.

I have spent so much money in the last two weeks that I need some financial relief. As you know, I'm broke and unemployed. The fire water consumption is now a line item in my budget. My trip to Cali was expensive but I have spent more on fire water since January. I can now feel a nagging pain all day where my liver is located. In just over six months, I have brought myself back to where I was four years ago. Faced with the same dilemma, I weaned myself of the fire water. What's stopping me now? Perhaps I just don't care anymore. I don't seem to be making a difference whether I am here or not. Actually, I am just taking up valuable space. I serve little or no value to society.

Sunday July 11

I have not slept well in days. I have no idea what is causing all of the anxiety that I am experiencing. When I do fall asleep, I am awakened by panic attacks. The fire water has had little effect in reducing these anxieties. As I told Paul, the weekends are killing me. He also agreed from his standpoint. Bruce had previously suggested that I find a project to work on. Most of the projects would involve the computer. For some reason, I can barely stand to sit at the computer anymore. It makes me feel as though my life is passing before my eyes. Many of these feelings of insecurity have resulted from crap that the handmaiden had told me or accused me of. Guilt is a powerful weapon.

I have lost my interest in going to the gym as well. As long as I'm in town, I'll go and do a workout. On the weekends, it is easier to pop open a brewski. The thought of taking the bus to One West Waikiki or to town does not thrill me. Maybe this is another effect of the handmaiden's various accusations. Remember I was accused of being an uncaring loser for not offering to chauffeur her around like her new sex slave does. I'm not particularly fond of driving my six-four anymore either. I feel as though it's some kind of kid's car. A real man would own a real car like a Mercedes. I know that these thoughts are foolish but they are now embedded into my feelings. So, logic does not easily override them.

Critical mass (a term Bruce likes to use) will occur when I witness a decline in moms' health. I believe that my inner self is telling me something. I could be worrying about nothing, but I do know that moms' time is limited. I once thought that it was a worthy sacrifice to spend these years here. Of course, I thought I had a babe at the time so I was ready to settle down. Now I am single and I am in my mid-forties. What am I going to do? Paul and I noticed a lot of babes out on Friday night. Mostly all were in their twenties. I am not going to discount any possibilities like I once did. One of the reasons I never took the situation with Clare seriously was because she was 21 years old and I was in my mid-thirties at the time. I thought that maturity would come with age but the handmaiden disproved that notion. Actually, I'd be happy with a young babe. There's less of a likelihood that she would be carrying a lot of psychological baggage. However, an opportunity like Clare may never come up again.

Sacrificial Anode (Sunday continued)

I talked to Bruce again. He hasn't been doing too well. He has had internal bleeding problems and so far the tests have not located the source of the blood. I'm a little worried. Bruce has been a good friend and he will be a tenacious business alliance. With all that he is going through, I felt like a small-timer. He has been trying, albeit unsuccessfully, to persuade me to get off the fire water. He believes that I need to find a new babe and/or "get laid" in order to finally get over the hump of this problem.

"You have to forget about that monk thing. That's pathetic. And, you haven't made enough sacrifices to be a monk. Just go out and ask the monks. They'll tell you. You haven't made enough sacrifices. This breakup with your girl is hardly a worthy sacrifice," he told me.

"Yeah, but I can't play that game," I said, pretty much reiterating what I had told Caroll last week. "I just cannot play the game."

"Hey, everything is a game. Life is a game. You have to play the game," Bruce continued. "You need to go to Waikiki and meet some babes. Where do they hang out?"

"In Waikiki? Nick's Fish Market is the place. So I'm told."

"Go to Nick's Fish Market. Meet some women. But, you have to stop being a pathetic loser. You have to go in with the attitude that you're willing to turn everything around. Be a loser who's willing to change. Then, the women will flock around you to try to help you."

Of course, I know Bruce is right. Everyone has heard me lament at the Wailing Wall over the stupid handmaiden for months. I have made no indication that things are going to turn around. At best, I've suggested that I need to run. As we've discovered, there's nowhere to hide. I consumed an enormous amount of fire water again. However, I drove my six-four to the gym just to make myself do a modest workout. It's going to be an uphill battle.

I also talked with Rod. He assured me that the LA connection of the dubious e-Commerce project was still committed. However, I still haven't heard from the key players. Caroll also called later in the evening. She is still a little depressed about moving out of her own place to end up as a renter in another.

"Are you dating anyone yet?" she asked.

"No, not yet," I replied. "I just can't play that game. I've just got to get back into the monk ways." Interesting how this topic keeps coming up.

"I think that the monk ways are on their way out," Caroll added.

I'm not going to deny that Caroll and Bruce are right. I am going to have to do something soon.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I still absolutely refuse to play "the game." I'm living at home with moms. Moms spends most of her time reading her religious publications. Her solution to all situations include reading the Good Book, reading the publications she reads, and going to church meetings. That is the extent of my family support network. In some respects, I'm better off being on my own.

What a predicament! Covey can't even help me out. Should I go out and buy the Dating for Dummies book? Should I start hanging out at Nick's Fish Market? Maybe I need to make more sacrifices. Sheesh! I already feel like a sacrificial anode, if you know what I mean.

Monday July 12

The section of Hotel Street between downtown and Chinatown is a derelict's wet dream. Sleazy bars, arcades, and smut shops line every square inch of the way. Bruce and I went in to a few of the places to conduct our research. He knew the owner of one of the places. We did not get much accomplished because there was inadequate information. As we stood outside on the sidewalk, numerous drunken characters were stumbling about. There was a time that Hotel Street was the hub of debauchery. You name it and it happened here. Today, it is much more timid. The information we need is somewhere else. We must now extend the search.

I ended up at Mango's after doing a bit more research on e-Commerce in Hawai'i. I talked with Pete the bartender about a few of the questions that Bruce and I had. Pete seemed to have some leads which may take us into the heart of Waikiki. We may be going into the real world of debauchery. Exotic dance clubs. Just like where Elena worked. Babes. Gorgeous babes. Exotic dancers. We have to meet them and talk with them. It's a great research project unless something stupid happens. More to come.

I saw my sister-in-law in town today. She and her son will be leaving for Cali tomorrow. They are going to Disneyland. My bro is not going because he has to work. I told my sister-in-law to tell my bro that I will be calling. It is time that I try to offer the olive branch of peace to him. I have no idea how accepting he will be. Of course, he should be more forgiving considering my situation with the handmaiden.

Tuesday July 13

I have been very discouraged about the situation with the e-Commerce projects. I am dealing with too many dreamers. I'm about to take matters in my own hands because timing is critical. We are way behind here in Hawai'i but it's a matter of time before some of the mainlanders beat us to the punch. I can't count on the locals to snap into action. I also cannot count on the LA connection. I stopped in at Mango's for happy hour. Ironic, isn't it? Happy hour is usually never a happy moment. Pete did have some encouraging news for me. He is trying to set up a meeting for me to meet a buddy of his who may help us in coming up with a few "deliverables."

I called Bruce to talk more about the situation. He seems to concur with me that we need to work on the "legit" end of the business first. So, we are going to work on our strategic alliance base. Then, we will implement the model that we have been working on. I have a gut feeling that this project could be extremely successful. It is now a matter of how we develop our alliances.

Wednesday July 14

I have been approached by about a dozen people selling that stupid multi-level marketing sham known as QuickStart. People in Hawai'i seem to be easily duped into ponzi schemes. I know it's another QuickStart "entrepreneur" when I am approached by a smiling and friendly face talking to me about the Internet. I'll entertain their whim but I ask them extremely difficult questions. Questions that they should have had an answer for before they plunked down $107 to become part of the pyramid. Then, they never want to talk to me again.

I did my own research today concerning the e-Commerce projects. I went to the Hawai'i Chamber of Commerce and also to the SBA Resource Center. I have several more leads to cover. As each day passes, I begin to wonder whether I am just wasting my time. I called Paul (from Chaminade). He is doing some research about the Mano'a Innovation Center and its business incubation program. So far, our research team seems tight. Yet, I have no idea where our funding is going to come from. That's what gives me the willies. I am also looking at how much effort it will take to develop our strategic alliances. We have to present a win-win scenario, but what do we have to offer? This is the most important critical success factor.

I have had recurring bouts of depression again. Almost everything is getting to me. And, I'm sure you can imagine why. I read an interesting article on MSN about dating from the babe's perspective called "Eleven Ways to Meet your Lover." It gave me the willies and made me more depressed. Dating is not a game I can play. I already failed the first two points which basically requires that one considers oneself worthy of a date. I certainly don't. I'm a squirrely-looking loser with absolutely no conversations skills. I have no interests. I'm broke and unemployed. I live at home with moms. I don't even watch the tube or read the newspaper. All I do is get hammered. What do I have to talk about? I want a babe but the writing is clearly on the wall. I'm a loser with nothing to offer any babe. So, I better get over it.

I remember when Skip and I used to be roommates way back when. He wanted to start dating but he was a little apprehensive. I told him, "You have to imagine the wild thing. Use that as your incentive to overcome your obstacles and get that babe you want." I wasn't telling him to try to score. He had to overcome his fears and the only way to combat that was to use an even stronger force. The force of biology. Of course, that logic doesn't work for me because I know that I am a true loser. I'm just going to have to pull the pud. Sheesh!

Thursday July 15

I have wondered why moms has not invited my bro over for dinner since my sister-in-law left for the mainland. I asked her again tonight. She said, "I'm just too tired." Yet, moms is never that too tired to cook on the weekends and have my sister-in-law pick up the food. It then dawned upon me that the rift may not only be between my bro and I. Moms may also be involved and she is not that forgiving of what happened between her and my bro. Now I am certain that the family dynamics are completely screwed up. What can I do?

My mind is beginning to play tricks on me but not quite as nefarious as the tricks my piece of [dung] computer plays on me. It's the babe thing again. Speaking of babes, Cherie is now not speaking to me because I wasn't the pushover professor she had envisioned. Babes can play some stupid games. This is so reminiscent of the handmaiden that I washed my hands of it. I'm really beginning to believe that, if it weren't for the wild thing, guys would all be monks.

Friday July 16

Paul (from Chaminade) and I hit the town again. This time we went to Waikiki. We wandered about aimlessly like two guys with no babes would. Finally, we ended up at the Brew Moon at the Ward Center. The whole purpose of this adventure? Killing time, of course. We talked a little about the e-Commerce projects but those thoughts were clouded by the effects of the fire water.

The situation is getting out of hand. I am totally confused about everything. Confusion. Depression. Moronic babbling. That's my life here in Hawai'i. And, it seems to be indicative of my future. Most of my plans have fallen through so I am now left with some slim options. This is the game of life. Unlike the dating game, I have to play this one. I want to spend the weekend contemplating these thoughts and options. I'll share my thoughts with you later.

Saturday July 17

I talked to Paul (in Seattle) today. He's contemplating an extension of his stay there from five years to eight years. He likes Seattle and says that the people there are much friendlier than in Hawai'i or Cali. He seemed to concur with me that my move to the Siberia of the West may now be the stuff of dreams. I could be stuck in this hellhole for a long time. And, to make matters worse, word from da 'hood is that the handmaiden is enjoying her life in the opulent world of the rich. This further proves that there is no justice. Every time I think about it, my blood starts boiling. Of course, the same thing happens when I think about that gym babe Letisha. Sheesh!

I left a message at my bro's place but he never called back. It is apparent that the family dynamics have reached a point of stasis in dysfunction. I can do no more. Paul (from Chaminade) met me at Barnes & Noble. He apparently had a few drinks but we were able to discuss the Mano'a Innovation Center as well his own vision of the projects he had in mind. He also had a date tonight. I surmise that, if he finds another babe, his projects may go to the wayside. I suspect that we will be going through a variety of personnel changes before our projects even get off the ground. Rod called me on my beloved cell phone while I was at Barnes & Noble. He assured me that the LA connection was intact and committed to the project. As it stands, Bruce and I are investigating both the "legit" and dubious versions of the e-Commerce projects. Bruce has been in some pain which is now going to require that he go in for surgery later this month.

I am still in a total state of confusion concerning everything. The fire water is not helping. Sad to say, I think that the damned handmaiden is somehow at the root of all of this. I think that it's time I admit that I'm in deep depression. The Wort is barely keeping me afloat. What keeps me in this state of mind is my perception that I have been duped. Then, add all of the psychological trauma and mind games that I have had to sift through. Finally, imagine the humiliation I had to experience as a result of being shown that I was not worthy of much since I can't even afford to buy the hubcaps for a Mercedes. What's worse is all of the 'hood is privy to see that I was kicked to da curb in a pathetic fashion. The anger is now what fuels my determination to succeed at any cost. Yet, I cannot even wean myself of the fire water. One has to wonder if I really have what it takes. What's worse is, if I fail, I can just imagine the handmaiden laughing and belittling me.

To be continued ... Go to R.5