Note: This version of the journal is not censored or edited according to normal LoserNet guidelines. It is also not formatted for aesthetics. Please do not read this version of the journal if you feel you will become disillusioned. This journal is not a public journal. There are no links to it from LoserNet. If you read this journal, you agree that it was not publicly available and that you are here by invitation alone. Sharing this information violates this right. This information is considered confidential whether there are embellishments or not. Nothing in this journal should be considered fact, nor should the names or places be considered real.

It was bound to happen. The path of the public journal became disjointed because the personal lives on display for the world to see did not tend to sit well with the cast of characters. In this case, it went totally awry. My conjecture during my time of reckoning affected Lori in an extremely negative way. She claimed that she did not say anything to me about it to preserve my journalistic integrity, but she would explode in a tirade for no reason at all every week because of the built-up resentment. As confused as I was, I continued to write my interpretations of what happened. It all came to a head in September. In reading the public journals, you will notice a change in venue somewhere in December. This was primarily to placate Lori as she that felt that I had intentionally (willfully and maliciously) slandered her with what she called an accusation of infidelity, although I will continue to argue otherwise. This journal will attempt to pick up where the other went off in a different and cryptic direction.

The month of December was pretty much the same as the turbulent November preceding it. There were weekly tirades and obviously choreographed incidents that resulted in tirades. Lori spared nothing in belittling me. Yelling. Cussing. Threats. "You are a fucking asshole," she kept calling me. After the name calling, there was an extensive listing of my past wrongs and the usual evaluation that I "have not changed." The ball was always in my court to change, for it was I who was at fault for the dysfunctional relationship. Never during this time did she ever apologize for any of her actions or what she said. The silence was an indication of justification. There were moments that we almost reconciled. Somehow, she would actually open her heart to me to remember the good times. A nice glow would replace the scorned looks. That would only last a few days. Then, somehow, she was triggered by something else to continue with the tirades. I was humiliated and made to feel guilty for everything. I apologized profusely for things that were not even my fault. Here is an excerpt from the public journal in December of last year that has since been removed:

I once thought that I was the devious manipulator. After listening to Lori talk to her ex-husband on the phone today, I realized that she is the manipulator. She has manipulated the ol' lavahead, too. Right now, it doesn't work. That may be the source of the frustration. She verbally twists things around to disarm the unwitting victim. Any attempt to defend oneself results in either a childish tantrum ("You hurt my feelings!") with a lot of yelling or an abrupt termination ("Just go home!") of the subject. To establish control at any point, she reverts to an authoritative stance ("Just answer 'Yes' or 'No'!"). When that doesn't work, she'll just close her eyes and act like she fell asleep. Perhaps it all due to her increased alcohol consumption. When I look back at all the sappy stuff I wrote about her a few months ago, I almost want to puke. I was being manipulated to feel guilty for my actions.

One last anecdote. Last month, I was invited to the President's cocktail party (the big university bash). It was to be held at the Pacific Club. I had asked Lori if she wanted to go. She said yes. However, the day before I had to RSVP the invitation, Lori and I had the big falling out about Caroll's "clandestine" visit. She spent 30 minutes yelling about how she never wanted to see me again. So, I declined the invitation. When I later told Lori, she lost it. She said that I should have sent in the RSVP for us to go anyway. I was so inconsiderate of her feelings, she added. Never mind that I took her to Roy's for her birthday. Never mind that I gave her a $100 gift certificate for a present.

Lori was also on unemployment by this time. Later, I came to find out that in addition to going to the mandatory workshops, she spent a lot of time doing lunch dates and drinking cocktails. Her drinking picked up quite a bit during this time. Many of the tirades were also after she had had a few drinks.

Our relationship never improved during January or February. Lori began spending much more time out partying and drinking. For a while, she took Steph along with her, but later she just began leaving her 11-year-old child home alone. I tried my best to make the changes that Lori wanted. After all, I was still in love with her and I wanted to prove that to her. It came to the point that she said that I wasn't changing. She belittled my attempts at any changes. To her credit, she once did say that she noticed I made some changes. That was the only time.

One night, I smelled smoke on her breath. I asked her if she started smoking again. She said no. I suppose that can be classified as somewhat truthful. She just wasn't smoking cigarettes.

The problem with leaving Steph home alone increased in February. Lori began dating at night and spending most of her weekends away from home. The days aren't bad as Steph can find friends to play with. The nights are different. She told both her mother and I that she does not like being left in the house alone at night. So, as I became more aware of this situation, I began to look after Steph. I took her to Kahala Mall or we did other mundane things. Steph has confided a lot in me as I built her trust. She doesn't tell her parents much. The fact that she is failing in school should have been a trouble sign to her mother. Instead, it was a source of embarrassment as she had to go down to the school for parent-teacher conferences. There was a lot of yelling and screaming, which did little to solve the problem. As I came to find out, the whole situation resulted primarily because Lori was neglecting her.

All this as a little background as we proceed. This journal will be a combination of chronological events as well as anecdotal information. Frankly, the stuff in this journal made me sick to my stomach. I cannot even imagine many of these anecdotes being real, but reality is a perception. Only time will tell whether reality is truth.

Friday February 19, 1999

Lori had another date with Bill, the commercial pilot, again. I saw her at the gym and she was in a rush to get home. She got home in time to clean up and rush out the door with Bill. She told Steph to warm up a microwave meal for dinner. Instead, I took Steph to Kahala Mall. We had dinner at Burger King. You know, those great value meals. Steph said, "Mom never lets me have these." Then, we spent the rest of the evening at Barnes & Noble. We also did this last week when Lori had another date with Bill. Steph was very despondent last week, but she was upbeat this week.

Saturday February 20

I stopped by Lori's place on the way to City Mill at noon. Lavinya was there. Lori said I could stop by on the way back, so I did. Since I saw that Lori was already drinking a brewski, I picked some more on the way. Instead of going to the gym, we all spent the rest of the day in small party of sorts. Steph was relegated to look for the receiver of the cordless phone. Lori insisted that it was Steph who lost it. Periodically I would check on Steph. She refused to look for the phone because she was certain that it was her mother who had lost it. As Lori drank more, she became much more emotional and irrational. She was discussing how selfish and ungrateful her daughter was for a few minutes before going off on a crying and screaming tirade. Lavinya just sat in the chair. It was the same kind of tirade that I had to put with on many occasions. Of course, this was an innocuous version as opposed to the ones that involve name calling and belittling statements. Lori went outside to rake the yard. Lavinya and I sat at the table and discussed what happened. I asked Lavinya if this kind of thing happened often. She said that it happens every now and then. "She just has to vent." Lavinya left shortly afterward. I asked Lori if she needed help cleaning up. She said, "I'm done with this company shit." That was my cue to leave.

Sunday February 21

I stopped by Lori's place at about 9am. Steph was there. She said that her mom had gone shopping in Waikele with Harry. Harry is one of Alexis' friends that now hangs around and parties with Lori. His roommate Jeff also does the same. I decided to take Steph with me anywhere. She wanted to go skateboard shopping so we went to all of the malls. We returned at about 5pm. Lori still had not returned home. I left Steph there and told her that I would check on her later. When I got there at 7pm, Lori was still not home. Steph decided to call her father. She had tears in her eyes as she told him about how she was being left home alone a lot. Then, she gave the phone to me so I could say hello. I only talked with him briefly before Lori walked in the door. She was obviously a little drunk and/or loaded because she was walking off-balance. I must have ruined Harry's plans as he did not come in. Perhaps that pissed her off even more. She slapped a small slab of frozen fish fillet in the frying pan and facetiously asked if I was staying for dinner. I said no, so she asked me to leave. Steph took the opportunity to write her dad's phone number on a piece of paper. She said, "Call him when you get home."

I reluctantly made the call to Chris, Lori's ex-husband. I had only met and talked with him twice in the two-plus years that I have known Lori. She is not exactly fond of her ex-husband and she has related many tales about him, none of which were positive. When I met him, he seemed to be a cordial guy. Steph also told me that he actually liked me although he hardly knew me.

Chris did most of the talking on the phone. He knew that Lori and I had broken up and he began to run through a few anecdotes which later almost served as my mental demise. Be advised that none of what I include here should be construed as fact.

He began by telling me about how he and Lori met. He was already working in the trucking business at the time, doing mostly concert tours. It was in the back of dungy alley in Boston that Lori approached him for the very first time. She was working for a bank at the time, after quitting Boston University. [Actually it was a mortgage firm called Verex. She quit Boston University in 1983. She worked two years at Northeast Saving in Boston before going to Verex in July of 1985. She worked there for only 11 months. I assume that she hooked up with Chris at this point in time.]. He was unloading one of the trailers. Somehow she ended up giving him a blow job in his car that night. That's how their relationship allegedly started.

"You wanna fuck me in the ass?" Lori asked him one night. He didn't take her up on the offer but that demonstrated how assertive Lori was, especially in sexual matters. He also detailed to me a very interesting anecdote. He said that Lori always played like she was naïve. His example was about how she gave head. First, she left teeth marks but somehow in a short period of time she had developed a masterful technique. It was too quick a learning curve. "She can sure suck a dick," he told me. Boy, did I know that well. As a matter of fact, she did the same with me. In just a few weeks, she went from licking to deep throat and more. She has always told me how inhibited she was about sex. She only liked to do it at night in the dark and in the missionary position. Yet Lori and I had sex in every possible position, including that crazy standing one. Cowgirl. Reverse cowgirl. Spoons. Doggie-style. Morning. Afternoon. Night. We could have easily made a hurdy-gurdy. We were making love at least four separate times a day, every day, when I first arrived in Oregon that Summer. We did that for most of the Summer. She never insisted that I use a condom, which further enhanced the whole experience. There was no question that Lori was excellent in bed. [By the way,  I inserted her picture here because I may remove the pictures from the public journal]

How plausible is the initial encounter that Chris described in Boston? Well, Lori drove 1,000 miles to meet me for the first time and we were making love passionately by the third night. Toward the end of our sexual tenure, Lori became much more uninhibited or so I thought. She had me lube up my finger with her secretions and told me to put it "where the sun don't shine." I put it up her ass. If we had stayed together for just two weeks longer, I knew that Lori and I would be adding awesome anal sex to our love-making repertoire as well. I was so into this debauchery by now that I wanted to have anal sex with her so bad as well as any kind of sex with her. I could just imagine pushing the full length of my manhood into that place "where the sun don't shine." Wow. She had built up that dependency in Oregon and now it was insatiable. She was also far from inhibited, as she had claimed.

That's the same thing Chris had said. The dependency. He couldn't get it out of his mind, and that's what kept him trying to get back together with Lori at any cost even though there was no sex. It was the hope for sex. That is what is going through my mind now and has been since the breakup. If only I could have her again ...

He cautioned me that it is not beneath Lori to exchange sexual favors for a job or any great opportunity. He recalled that she had gotten a "roadie" job with a guy who was known to have made it a requirement for women to give blow jobs before they could even be considered. The very same guy apparently told Chris, "Your wife sure knows how to suck cock." I have no idea whether these anecdotes are true or they are part of the imagination of a very disgruntled ex-husband. Chris hates Lori. He has no trouble admitting that.

Drugs were a major part of their lifestyle. Chris and Lori spent quite a bit of money on cocaine. He said that he dropped the addiction when he knew he was going to become a father. Lori allegedly kept going until the fourth month of pregnancy.

Chris spent a lot of time on the road then. He said that he sent most of the money he made to Lori. She spent all of the money on drugs or at places like Neiman-Marcus. She had very expensive tastes. I know this to be true from my own observations. He also mentioned that she likes those $50 bottles of champagne that I can also verify to be true. He also mentioned that she was very selfish and always only thinking about herself. I have seen that myself, but are we looking at the chicken or the egg? Has the adversity in her life made it essential that she always look out for herself first?

Chris even brought up the furniture that they bought. It was an expensive black ensemble. Lori kept telling me that she hated the black color and that her ex-husband chose the furniture. Chris told me, "She chose everything. All I got to pick was the TV."

Chris admitted that he had a problem with the IRS and he brought that into their marriage. Lori has been bitter about that because they were audited and a lien was placed against both of them. She has always contended that Chris never paid his bills and that she ended up paying a lot of the balance. Chris claimed that she paid her own bills with the money he sent and she never paid any of his bills, opting to buy drugs instead.

As for the production manager job that Lori had on the road, Chris disputed them. He said that she was a production assistant and that she "pissed everyone off so much that no one wanted to hire her again." He added, "She can't keep a job." Lori has said many times that she helped to build Chris' business. He said that she did absolutely nothing. He kept her away from the business because she was "too controlling and she pissed everyone off." Lori is very proud of the 1990 Portland Mayor's Ball that she coordinated. She never coordinated that event again. Chris said that she was canned on the opening night after a year's work because she was caught smoking dope. He alleged that she just can't stay away from drugs.

Lori said that she left the marriage because Chris beat her. He admitted that he has hit her. He explained one circumstance. He came home after being on the road for a few months. He said that Lori emptied his wallet of cash and made demeaning remarks. As he tried to leave in anger, she blocked his way. She taunted him with belittling comments and then challenged him, "You aren't man enough to move me out of the way?" and "If you were a real man, you'd hit me." I could feel the passion in those statements and I could actually visualize Lori saying them.

Then, he told me like it was. Sex is the dependency. The hope of having sex with Lori again will keep me coming back. I have to separate myself from the pleasures of sex. That's what he had to do. Whether Lori intentionally built that dependence is unknown. However, she inundated me with enough sex that I found myself actually telling her how awesome the experience was not just two weeks ago. As I said, I still want to make love to her real bad.

After my discussion with Chris, I was left totally confused. If ever there was a point in time that I could say that I was rendered ineffectual, this was it. I didn't know what to think. I still don't know what to think. Is it truth? Is it fiction? Is it both?

That made me wonder. What exactly is going on now? Is Lori back on drugs again? I'm sure these screwups whom she's hanging around with have a lot of dope. Is she giving head to get what she wants? It made me sick to even imagine that. Remember the movies Black Widow and Sleeping with a Stranger? Scary, isn't it?

Finally, Lori had studied the Bible for a few months. She quit coincidentally in October. I sat in on a few sessions, and I remember she was always saying, "I know I'll never be saved or resurrected, not with all I've done in my life." What was she referring to? In my small world, I thought she was making a convoluted confession to infidelity. Could there have been much greater misdeeds?

Monday February 22

"I don't ever want to talk to you again. Never!" That's what Lori told me when I attempted to say hello to her at the gym. What brought that on? I asked if it was because I had talked to her ex-husband last night. She became even more furious, acting like she did not know that happened. She walked in while I was on the phone. She said that I could not be trusted, that I gave out information. I have no idea what she was talking about. Perhaps it was the crazy journal entry that I later removed that mentioned the awesome sex without mentioning any names. I also alluded to sharing information with close personal associates. That was my bait to ferret out a possible mole. Of course, it could be due to Lori's time of the month. She usually has her period around the last week of the month and it causes some major mood swings.

I had talked with Alexis earlier in the day. I had to muster up a lot of courage before I went over to see her. Alexis is Lori's best friend, I think. Most of Lori's social circle is derived from Alexis' social circle. We walked downstairs and talked while Alexis smoked a cigarette. She says that Lori is very happy and that she is still in love with me. Lori talks about me all the time. Does the incident at the gym suggest that? I don't think so. I guess Alexis just didn't want to tell me the truth. It's over. Lori treats me like her ex-husband. No doubt she talks about me in the same way. Or, she has them all bamboozled.

Lori does put on a good front. She can be extremely nice, that is until you cross her. That's what Chris said, too. "What do you have that she wants?" he asked me. "As long as you have something she wants, she'll be nice to you. When you have outlived your usefulness, she has no reason to be nice to you." That sure seems to be the case. He said that if I decided to spend a lot of money on her, she'll be real nice. Or, if I wait long enough and she needs something from me, she'll be real nice again. By the same token, Alexis and her friends have a lot to offer Lori so she has to be real nice to them. They have probably never seen her other side.

Tuesday February 23

I now suspect that there is a double agent in the ranks. Someone is taking information directly from me and sending it to Lori via e-mail or other means. Why are you doing this? What good does that do any of us? Creating an even greater rift of hatred between Lori and I serves no purpose. I just want the truth. I want to know what's happening. I have no ill will or malice toward Lori. If all of the things that happened to me are parallel to what Chris described, then it is my own stupidity to blame. I put myself in this position.

Lori has now forbidden her daughter to be in my company or for me to be allowed in her house. She only told her daughter this. I have no idea what this so-called breach of trust was that she was talking about yesterday. I have given no information about anything to anyone. There is not much else I can do. My only promise was to Chris and that was to insure that his daughter was safe and not alone at night in an empty house. I can no longer fulfill my promise. I suspect that Lori will call the cops on me if I attempt to cross the line. The funny part is that Lori only told her daughter any of that. Why didn't she notify me personally and tell me to stay away or face the consequences?

Wednesday February 24

When the situation concerning the alleged accusation of infidelity came up, I cited a piece of e-mail that described a dinner encounter back in April of last year. Paul and Barbara were invited to dinner at Lori's place. Here is the e-mail:

Subject: No More Secrets
Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 12:57:55 -0800 (PST)
From: Barbara

Dear Terrance,

I have to put in my opinion too. I probably should have told you sooner but I was afraid that if you and Lori got back together permanently you would be upset with me. So here goes. When Paul and I went to Lori's house for dinner that night Lori had said a few things that I thought were quite weird for a gal in love. She enjoyed drinking and wasn't going to tell you. She wanted more from you but didn't know how to tell you. She said this guy down the street seemed interested in her and maybe she should go for it. This was way back and she couldn't be honest with you then she will never be honest with you. And maybe its not just you maybe she is that way with everybody.

I used to enjoy it when you would stop by or we would meet with you. I think you're witty and charming. But ... when it was Lori and Terrance together I wouldn't get to see the Terrance I enjoyed so much. Lori would dominate everyone's conversation and need to be the center of attention. You would seem angry or depressed. I really did not look forward to seeing you two together. Part of it was I knew she was being deceitful from the beginning and I did not think you deserved that.

Look at the following clues:

• Continuous talker, not interested in what other people have to say
• Compulsive spender. Not knowing what is important and buying unnecessary items and going without important things
• Unusual attachment to shoes. Women don't normally have this kind of collection
• Exaggerated tales
• Deceit

And I don't even know her that well. Yes she needs help, and no you are not responsible. Run don't walk out of this one way friendship. Let it go now. You did your best. Now you have the beginning of a great career and students to influence. I envy the relationships you can build as an instructor. There you can teach and have the students trust what you are telling them. Good healthy relationships come in all packages.

I hope this does not bring distress because that is not the intent of this e-mail. It is to tell you that you are a very unusual man. By this I mean that you do not have that typical male ego that automatically assumes they are perfect so it must be the other person who is at fault. As I have read through Losernet I see a person who looks inward first and then does the assessment of what went wrong. This is a highly desirable trait in a man and I hope you don't change.

We miss your visits and hate to see your suffering on the net. Let the Lori chapter close. The one person who is the real loser in this whole affair is the daughter. If Lori is messing with your mind can you imagine what that poor kid gets.

Please don't be upset with me for not coming forward sooner. Or for coming forward at all. I can't let you blame yourself anymore. And quit taking care of Lori she's a big girl!

Take care,
Barbara

Subject: Re: Coming Clean
Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1998
From: Lori

Pah-leeze;

B, the commercial pilot, looks nothing like your bro no matter how hard you try and P the guy with the 37 ft yacht is a definite haole ... lame try! Did I mention that G the exec is too cosmopolitan to look like a local (let alone your bro)? And no, none of them are
a) neighbors
b) swappn' spit with me (though they do get to take me out,and amazingly I get pegged for SHOPPING when I have had some rather awesome dates!)
c) makin' less than 100K/per annum.

No, I ain't givin it up easy or cheap. You HAD a quality woman, I don't need to buy a guy and I doubt I will ever sell myself short again.

Don't blame shit on Ray, you know as well as I do that no one has been here; Steph can't (but tries) to keep track of the Lexus' , Mercedes and Lincolns dropping me off from lunch dates.

So lemme just say, what a crock of **** Publish it if you want to but the truth is you have alot of soul searching to do, REAL introspection, not just blame casting. Me, I am going to live this life, live it, not just pass though it. You only get one. Wish I could have shared it with you; you touched my soul (you know you did) but you refused to respect the power of intimacy. That is very sad, but as I have learned you can't shove education down anyone's throat that does not want to swallow (Ironic that you are a teacher, no?)

I doubt that i will ever read your journal again. My regards to Moms, please, and do take care. I harbor no ill will against you T, I do still love you and care for the person you are (just not the way you treat me). Mostly, I hope you become the published writer you hoped to be (and, in some instances, think fondly of me the way I reflect fondly on you, the man I hoped would be my husband, my destiny, my partner, my campanion).

Too bad, eh?

Arriverderci

Alexis mentioned to me on Monday that Lori is "looking for a Knight in Shining Armor." I have no idea why Lori thinks that she is the Fair Princess. Alexis said that Lori conceded that she may never find such a man. She's right. There is no such animal. I have heard Lori say that a few times after our breakup, so this is not an embellishment on Alexis' part. Perhaps the rest of what she said is true, too. That's scary because then no one really knows the truth except Lori. How does she even function? If it was me, I would be a basket case. Heck, I'm already a basket case.

Alexis also cautioned me to keep my distance from Lori. I should remain cordial to her and at least say hello to her when I see her. "Lori likes to be the aggressor," she told me. "She wants to do the chasing." With that, Alexis concluded that, in time, Lori may come around to pursuing me again. Fat chance. After yesterday's scene at the gym, I can't see us ever talking to each other again.

Although Alexis stated that Lori was very happy, I have to wonder. She has been partying hard, which seems to indicate the need for extreme diversion. Alexis says that Lori just enjoys meeting new people. Lori has also put on about 10-plus additional pounds. She doesn't seem to care, although she says that she can no longer fit into some of her clothes. Prior to this, she has told me several times that there are many guys out there who are willing to treat a thick woman like a Queen, as though she was justifying her weight gain.

In my last amicable encounter with Lori, she said, "We were brought together by God. What else could explain it?" Our encounter was by chance, that's for sure. Only a very intricate set of events made it possible for us to ever get to know each other and eventually meet. The times I remember were very nice. In fact, it contrasts greatly with what is going on now. Why did this unhappy ending come about? And, what about this other crap? Some of the parallels are amazingly close.

As I am now completely out of the loop, I may not have much more to say. I am staying away from conjecture, speculation, and confessions of other people's sins. I have presented another "he said, she said" scenario to supplement my personal version of the "he said, she said" scenario in the public journal.

Thursday February 25

So, what exactly is the purpose of this journal? I mean, it's obvious that Lori and I will never get back together. I guess that I am trying to piece together what may be a more interesting mosaic of what happened in the last two-plus years. I said that I would not speculate on anything, but I can only wonder if Lori is really a sexual predator as her ex-husband made her out to be. Was my sole purpose to help get her out of the Oregon doldrums? Did she have hope that our book would be published and we would become rich and famous? As that dream faded, did I outlive my usefulness? Let's think this through.

I have taken the scalpel to the public journal. It's an eerie situation, and I'll tell you why. As I read the portions of the journal that I subsequently edited out, I realized that Lori had taken all of that as fact and used it as the basis of her accusations against me. Without realizing that there was an undertone of pain, my writings were interpreted as a cold confession of premeditated behavior. The journal became the vehicle for the demise of my relationship with Lori. If you read the e-mail she sent me which I quoted in December, that fact becomes even more painfully obvious. Why did I decide to remove the lamentations and soul-searching stuff now? They really serve no purpose at this time. A line or two would easily have sufficed. But, to be perfectly frank, I can see how Lori came to the conclusions that she did.

I never realized that the journal was so important to Lori. It has always been her conduit to my inner psyche. And, as you recall, it was the reason that we eventually met. I seriously thought that Lori had lost interest in the journal about a year ago. She never really mentioned it much. As it turned out, she was reading it regularly and developing a lot of hostility over what I wrote.

I believe that she is still reading the journal. She made a comment about two weeks ago that I still did not respect her wishes by leaving her out of the journal. She referred vaguely to the entry about her new job (that has since been removed). I don't think that she has Net access yet, so someone is sending her the text in e-mail. There is a possibility that someone I know is a double agent and passing more personal information to her. The outburst at the gym on Monday is much more understandable in light of this. I made some unusually cryptic journal entries lately that could be interpreted in many ways, given the ambiguities. One purpose of those entries was to see whether Lori was still reading the journal. If I had to guess, I'd say yes. Why? Why would she still be reading the journal of a person who is now part of the past?

All that to say I can see why everything digressed to this point. It is almost unbelievable that the journal actually directed the outcome of our lives. It was the damned journal and the fact that Lori placed an unusually high significance upon it. In the normal scheme of things, this would almost border on the ludicrous. I am convinced now that conjecture is what brought me to this point. It was the cause of my demise. Removing the offending entries now is really after-the-fact. However, I now realize that I did her a tremendous disfavor by publicly voicing things that had no basis in fact.

Friday February 26

Contrary to what Lori may believe, I have at least persuaded Chris to postpone his plans to call the cops and/or CPS about Steph. She should be thankful for that. It has become fairly obvious that there is a major war going on between Chris and Lori. Steph is not really the issue. She is just the pawn to enable the war to continue over many years. I forgot to mention that I found out that Steph did not want Lori and I to marry. It had nothing to do with me personally. She believes, possibly of religious origin, that parents who divorce should never remarry.

Lori is leaving within a few days to go to San Diego for more training. She will be gone for about a week. Steph will be staying with Alexis during that time, and she will be leaving for Oregon after March 12th for about a week. I have not decided what I am going to do during Spring Break. I may fly to Cali if I can find reasonable airfare. March 16th will be the third anniversary of the day that I first met Lori in person. That is the day she drove 1,000 miles from Oregon to San Luis Obispo. I know that she will remember that day. She always remembers important dates. That will also be the week Steph is gone. I will not be celebrating that day. It will just be like any other day. In the public journal, there will be no mention of anything significant.

I ran into Alexis this afternoon. She was unusually distant, so I knew that she had already sided with Lori. I took a chance and asked her about why Lori was so upset. At first, she claimed that she didn't know. Then, she mentioned my conversation with Lori's ex-husband. I told her that I was just saying hello to him. She rebutted, "Oh, come on, how many times have you ever talked to him before?" Later, she also added, "Maybe it's the Web page?" That made more sense. Lori was angry before I had even mentioned the conversation with Chris. Her whole damned life seems to hinge on the crap I write in the journal. Of course, her anger was amplified when she realized that I had talked to Chris. Why? Because I am dangerous at this point in time. I have information that Chris desperately wants, or so Lori thinks. Chris didn't really ask me much as you can guess. He was more interested in telling me how evil Lori was. Lori, on the other hand, is paranoid because she is keeping a lot of secrets. Perhaps they should remarry. They have never really separated. Sheesh!

Saturday February 27

The public journal will continue in discord. The days of discord will continue as a psychological thriller unfolds. When the mind attempts to connect to the soul of another through the written word, that mind becomes dependent on those words as a source of meaning and existence. When the words betray, there is an attempt at disconnection. However, disconnection does not come easy. The connection can simulate a neural pathway. I believe that is the case here. Without a doubt, it is a strange concept to determine a relationship based on the words of a journal. Then, too, the demise was also based on those words. Day-to-day interaction become a function of those words. It is a strange obsession. It even continues from afar and after the physical disconnection has already occurred. It's scary.

It is like the security mirrors in department stores. "I can see you, but you cannot see me," the observer says. In a way, I feel as though I am being stalked. I don't think that we are talking about a casual curiosity here. No one just erupts into a tirade over a cryptic journal entry. We are talking about an obsession. In a way, she has already wrestled control of my journal from me. I have retrenched and put together this journal. At present, my life is not filled with much in the way of activities. Well, at least nothing worth writing about. Lori has put enmity between us but that still does not mean that she will stop reading the journal. I assume that I will never see or talk to her again. I may continue to take the scalpel to the public journal until I remove all trace elements of the demise of my relationship with Lori. I will never read those chapters until then because those entries haunt me. Placing them in this safe archive is the best thing. Then, we can all just remember the good times for what they were.

Sunday February 28

I'm sure that everyone is getting tired of this situation with Lori. That's why I have put everything into this journal. I receive e-mail daily about how I must get on with my life. Let me explain a few things. I remained a monk for a number of years for good reason. No, I wasn't waiting for Viagra. Several babes made themselves very available to me in the past but I resisted. I could kick myself in the ass right now. I may have to pray for forgiveness but I believe that if I had slept with, say, Clare or Donna, then I would probably not be in this fragile mental state now. There's a good reason why I don't jump into relationships. I don't like breakups. I can't handle them. It took me a long time to get over my first "ex." That's what put me on a ten-year drinking binge. Now I'm repeating the same mistake again. You know, I cannot believe the sexual self-control I had back then. I couldn't control my drinking, but I could remain celibate. Maybe that's why I was drinking. Right now, I know that I have absolutely no self-control. If Clare were to walk in right now and unbutton her blouse, I'd be all over her like a cheap suit. I can just visualize the different ways I'd make love to her. Many more ways than what was on the "fucking rabbits mug," as Clare called it. That's the crazy mug she drank coffee from when she talked to me on the phone. She'd interrupt our conversation with laughter and then tell me about the different ways the rabbits were depicted doing the wild thing. You can imagine my state of mind.

I actually feel at ease when I write this journal. At this time, I'm certain that Lori is not reading it. I am having considerable trouble writing the public journal. I don't care to share my pathetic life with Lori anymore. I don't want to detail my pathetic activities because Lori will have a good laugh. I mean, I'm not out sailing on some pud's yacht. I don't have extravagant dates. Frankly, I'm embarrassed to even mention what I do. So, I may just embellish that I am playing marathon Windows Solitaire. That brings me to Spring Break. I am going to Cali. I would like to write about my trip, but I don't necessarily want Lori to read about it. Did you notice that I barely mentioned Caroll when I discussed my last trip? I spent several days at her place. There was one thing that was a little spooky. Caroll actually confided in me that she was attracted to me, but she respected our friendship too much to go beyond that. Before I left for Cali, Lori had said that she believed Caroll had unresolved relationship issues with me. Lori's intuition was correct. I was dumbfounded. After all these years, I thought that I had found the greatest platonic friend. Well, actually Caroll is. It proves that attraction will always be around the corner in any mixed sex friendship. I'd like to write about these things in the public journal, but can you imagine what would happen?

Today, I mentioned my fears in the public journal. These are real fears and I find that Maslow wasn't just talking through his hat. There is no way that a person can move beyond a certain level until the requirements of that level have been met. For example, I will be unemployed again in June. That is no basis for comfort. That's another reason why I know that Lori and I are finished. She once again has a career and she makes damned good money. She has immersed herself in a new group of friends and a different lifestyle. She will never give that up. They have too much to offer her.

To be continued ... Go to V.2