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If you have read this journal up to this point, you must have the same queasy feeling that I do. Perhaps you have come to the same understanding that I have. Lori fears that Chris wants to obtain any information he can to hurt her. Chris has my number. He asked for it. Yet, he has not called me once since I talked with him. I am beginning to believe that it's the other way around now. Lori feared that I would get information from Chris. She must know that he is more than willing to tell it all.

Steph is a good kid. She also seems to understand her mother's ways better than I do. Whenever Lori went into a tirade, Steph would tell me, "Just leave her alone. Everything will be back to normal in a few days." She was right. However, I never took her advice until now. I always wanted to solve the problem right then. Steph has had considerably more experience with Lori's tirades, I'm sure. By the way, Steph gave me a plastic replica of the Tick on the last day that I saw her. I think she stole it from her teacher's desk at school. She had mentioned two weeks ago that Mr. Kearns had the Tick on his desk. Well, I guess I should be flattered to have her risk more disciplinary sanctions to get the Tick for me.

I think that many of my relationship problems are also cultural. For example, Lori is Italian and I am a generic Asian. Thus, we had an interracial relationship. All of the women I have known are not of my ethnicity. I don't know why, but I have never been attracted to women of my ethnicity. That is, until now. But for some reason, I am really attracted to Caucasian women. Yet, there are so many differences in our cultures and upbringing which make a relationship difficult to work. I will most likely be involved in another interracial relationship, that is if I am in one ever again.

I am still dealing with my sexual obsession with Lori. Not a day passes that I do not crave to have an amorous encounter with her. I want to give Lori a "tongue massage," as we used to call it. I loved to run my tongue all over her body and also to put it deep inside her. I would eat her and bring her to near orgasm before I put my full manhood into her to complete the task. To hear her moan in ecstasy made me come even harder. I enjoy giving pleasure to my partner. The last time I did that for her, she asked, "Since when did you like to do that?" I also did my fair share of playing the naïve role. We had a codename for our love-making. It was called the "turtle." That's why we have so many references to turtles. Remember the picture of the "Turtle Crossing" sign? At the airport before we left Maui, Lori bought me a turtle carved out of ironwood (which I still have today). The origins of this peculiar nomenclature for the wild thing actually came about when Lori, Steph and I went to the zoo one day. We were walking around when I happened to notice two tortoises going at it. The male was mounted atop the female. The poor male was making all kinds of groaning noises and, with every thrust, he would raise his hind legs in the air. I yelled out, "What the hell are they doing?" Next thing I knew, everyone at the zoo was watching the tortoises. Lori was fixated with the copulating tortoises. She used to call me "my turtle." Why am I talking about sex all the time? Man, I have no idea why I have been relegated to this kind of troglodyte thinking. The worst part is that I seem to be powerless to do anything about it. Please don't suggest a cold shower. Maybe I should start writing erotic stories for a living.

I made a lot of phone calls yesterday in preparation for my trip to Cali. Caroll seemed to be depressed again because her situation has not improved. Tom and I had a very long talk. He is also having a tough time. He was supposed to start teaching this semester but his class was canceled. Both he and I are hoping to land a few teaching contracts for the Summer. That's my goal during my visit to Cali later this month. I need to get away from here. The island is just too small. Lori lives about a 5-minute walk from moms' place. She and I both work downtown, and we go to the same gym. Why should I have to be the one to move? Well, Lori isn't planning on going anywhere. She is a productive member of society here. I am still basically a transient.

I'm not exactly sure when Lori left for the mainland but she should be there by now. I have not heard from her since the incident at the gym. I think she has decided to end all ties with me permanently, although Steph thinks otherwise. The true test will occur around March 16th. Lori and I met for the first time at about 11:50pm three years ago on that day. If I haven't heard from her by then, it's truly over. No friendship. Nothing. Perhaps that is for the better. The situation with moms is also becoming intolerable. I believe that my only choice will be to move back to the mainland. Moms doesn't realize that her foolishness is going to force me to leave in haste, only to see me end up on Skid Row as a derelict. I have also observed another thing. It's the damned Hawaiian style of doing and saying things. The damned Pidgin English and all. On Sunday, moms asked, "Eh, you goin' change da toilet seat, or what?" She wanted me to replace the one that was broken. When you are born and raised here, you don't think much of it. But, it bugged me because moms sounded pushy. That's how people talk here all the time. I started talking that way when I moved here because I thought I would need that skill to communicate with the locals. I began talking that way to Lori. I'm sure that she was okay with it for a while, but it probably began to get on her nerves as well. When moms said that to me, I almost exploded. Little wonder that all of Lori's close friends here are transplanted mainlanders.

Tuesday March 2

Since I haven't seen Lori for a while, I think that my desire for her is waning. Perhaps it is best if we don't see each other for a long time, like forever. Out of sight, out of mind. I almost feel foolish for going into graphic detail in this journal about my obsession, considering that I am a monk and all. That's why I cannot get involved with anyone again. If I do, though, I should keep things platonic. Why the obsession with sex? Is it a guy thing? Probably. For guys, sexual intimacy is the only act we consider truly intimate. It seems to be the only kind of touching that isn't taboo for us. I don't know why I have always been reserved when it comes to showing affection to women. I somehow feel that they will be repulsed by my actions. Lori would never believe it but I really wanted to be all over like a cheap suit all the time. In Oregon, we used to take showers together every night. We soaped each other up and took turns washing each other. I loved to run my hands along her smooth skin. The soapy film made that experience even more sensual. It's amazing that we moved away from those erotic activities and replaced them with an on-going war. In fact, right now I am contemplating the removal of the last remnants of the demise of my relationship from the public journal. This would include the alleged accusation of infidelity and Lori's rebuttal in e-mail. It serves no purpose except to fuel more hatred as Lori reads the same thing over and over again, which is probably what she's doing.

I purchased my airline tickets yesterday. I'm outta here on March 19th. This trip should be a lot of fun. I have already sent out e-mail to everyone I know so I can plan my itinerary. I should be meeting Kevin and his new squeeze Tammy. I may also meet with Jarrod since he's in LA now. I'll also get to see The Bull's son. However, this adventure will not appear in the public journal.

I talked with Annie for about an hour on the phone last night. We had a lot of things to catch up on. Earlier in the day, she wrote:

So, I am still reeling about Lori. I had a lot of suspicions that she was the way she was, but not quite so bad. I can tell you a little of what I think. I think she has not known a lot of love in her life. Steph may have been the first instance of real love in Lori's adult life. And I think she really loved you. That's all that I think right now.

By the way, it would be okay if you went out and did some recreational babeskinning for cleansing purposes AS LONG AS you were both upfront that that was what it was about. From the beginning.

My Findings So Far

It's probably about time that I make an assessment of the situation. Not that it's entirely necessary. I have reviewed all this stuff and I really cannot conclude that Lori was a gold digger or that her sole intention was to use me to get out of Oregon. If she was such a predator, why didn't she aim higher insofar as her targets were concerned? When she first allegedly met Chris, he was unloading a truck for a concert. Not exactly yuppie material. After moving to Oregon, Lori ended up getting a divorce. She had other boyfriends during the nine years she lived there. The last one was Lance, the "carpet guy" (as Steph called him). Chris refers to him as "the guy who owned the beat-up van." Was he upwardly mobile? Lori never moved in with any guy. She always had her own place. Thus, it was the "carpet guy" who moved in with her. When Lori met me, she knew that I was basically a pauper. My shoebox at the Roach Motel was completely devoid of possessions. I slept in a sleeping bag. When I moved to Oregon, I stayed with Lori. She didn't ask me to pay rent or anything else. In the end, all Lori got out of me was a computer, a Bose Wave radio, airline tickets to fly to Hawai'i two years ago, and a gym membership.

Oddly, back in September, I had a short discussion with Steph. She mentioned to me that her mother has "been through a lot of boyfriends." I knew of two that she mentioned by name. As far as why those relationships ended, Steph told me, "She chased them all away." Lori has always wanted me adore her and give her my undivided attention. When I don't, she has reminded me that there have been quite a few guys who have expressed interest in her. She started mentioning this to me at least once a week. She also threatened to look elsewhere for affection if I could not provide it. Apparently she meant what she said.

Lori's past may be checkered, but so is mine. We tend to do a lot of foolish things in our youth. We do foolish things as adults. Most of Chris' story was tainted by the bitterness of divorce. Like me, he began to look back and analyze things. His conclusion was the same as mine. There was always a dark side to Lori's personality lurking below the surface. In effect, we both looked outside ourselves for the fault. It had to be Lori. Mind you, I don't think that she handled the end very well. However, that is Lori. I do things differently than she does. So, Chris was describing everything after-the-fact and from a tainted and bitter viewpoint. Like me, he saw things with a "new understanding" but it was only because he viewed Lori as "a psycho."

I think that Annie's intuition is fairly accurate. Lori did not have a great childhood. Her parents had a very adversarial relationship. Even after her parents were divorced, the enmity between them never dissipated. They still do not speak to each other and have nothing good to say about the other. Lori is searching for a good mate, but I don't think she really understands men. She did not had a father around long enough to realize that men share many common traits. It's in the genes. Thus, Annie may be correct in that Steph may have truly been the first person that Lori experienced unconditional love. As Steph grew older, that changed. Now that Steph is approaching the teenaged years, I am sure that Lori is feeling a sense of betrayal since Steph is not quite as malleable as when she was younger. I would never really understand that because I am not a parent. I may not agree with how Lori raises her daughter, but Steph is not my daughter.

Thus, I have to agree with Annie's conclusion that Lori did indeed have genuine love for me at one time. It was only on February 13th that she said that no longer loved me. I now believe that, if I had followed the Bull's advice and left her alone back in October, things would be different today. Instead, I kept searching for a quick fix and pushed her further away. I kept bumbling around and insured that there would be an even worse ending. Indeed, her reactions including the yelling and the cussing were childish and immature. But, that's Lori persona. I can't force her to think or act like me. Neal (niall@allover.com) wrote in e-mail back in December:

You're not such a loser after all - you have a woman you care about (and who seems to care about you, otherwise why would she expend the energy to yell at you in the first place) ...

I believe that Lori is enjoying her life now. It is the first time in years that she had been financially independent. She has a career and a life. If I wasn't so stupid, I would have reveled in her success and been proud of her. She also has a chance to make a better life for herself with a new guy. I no longer need to be in the picture. I will have to learn from my mistakes and move on. This journal will continue until I think that it is safe to put everything in the public journal again. This whole episode has indeed been a learning process for me. I hope to never repeat the same mistakes again.

Wednesday March 3

I have taken the scalpel to the public journal once again. This time I removed most of the offensive material with the exception of the most painful of all ... the falling out over Caroll's so-called "clandestine" visit and my alleged accusation of Lori's infidelity. I would like to remove those, but it is impossible. The whole pivot point of my life occurred as a result of these two consecutive events. I have to admit that it really sickened me to read the stuff I had written. I was in pretty bad shape when I wrote that crap. It was that damned time of reckoning. However, there is no way to deny that I sounded very bitter and resentful of Lori. It really seemed as though I hated her. I now see why she was losing it. I only wish that she did not carry on the pretense of ignorance for so long and then erupt in unpredictable tirades. As I am in a somewhat healthier frame of mind, I can see that my cold and precise language did little to convey the actual pain that I felt. Rather than appearing to question my own thought processes, I seemed to be making icy confessions and rationalizations of my ruthless behavior. When Lori read that, she saw a cold and calculating monster, not a weak and pathetic nerd. I should have known better given the importance that she placed on the journal which has continued on through the present, much to my surprise and chagrin.

Mind you, my purpose in doing all of this has nothing to do with any possibility of reconciliation with Lori. I am not trying to prove myself to her or capitulate to her demands. I rather doubt that she cares one way or the other. After all, I did the unthinkable. I talked to her ex-husband. However, I didn't call him up and spill the beans, as it were. I've been wanting to talk to him a long time. Man-to-man. He didn't want any information. He just wanted to tell me like it was, as he saw it. We bonded and we disconnected.

Since I brought up the pivot point of my now defunct relationship, I think I should go a little further into it. Caroll's visit in November was anything but "clandestine." Lori and I had another falling out just a few days earlier when I took her and Steph out for pizza. It was actually my fault as I was in somewhat of a bad way. Lori over-reacted as usual which resulted in the termination of our friendship yet again. Caroll knew my situation and she was very afraid of the ramifications of her visit. As she was also losing it from her own problems, she certainly did not want to become embroiled in mine as well. In fact, I believe Caroll specifically came here to help me in my time of need. I do not understate her abilities as a counselor. She has tremendous empathy. Caroll asked me not to mention to Lori that she was here in Hawai'i solely for my sake.

On November 23rd, Lori went into a tirade as we were walking to the gym together. This was the first time that she was actually talking to me since the pizza night fiasco. Here is the journal entry for that day (since removed):

Another incident with Lori has just about got me at wit's end. I guess I am trying too hard to preserve anything of this relationship or friendship ... whatever it is. In the course of an hour, I was told that I would never change. Like most of the men she has known, I need a mother, she claims. She already has a child, she doesn't need another. She cannot relinquish control to me because I am incapable of managing anything. She wants to be pampered, to be taken care of. She wants someone who is financially viable. She made demeaning remarks about my modest income. Then, she claimed that I was a liar. I had deceived her about the small amount of money that I saved as a hedge against emergencies. She wanted me to "come clean" about my "other secrets." I told her that Caroll was in town. Caroll wanted me to not mention anything to Lori because she didn't want to complicate matters. Reacting as if we were still in a relationship, Lori went off on a yelling spree and cussed me out. She equated my actions with an adulterer. She told me to take the ring back to the store and sell it. She said she never wanted to see me again because I disgusted her.

On the day Caroll was supposed to leave, I asked her to accompany me to the jeweler to return the ring. If Caroll had not been there, I probably never would have returned it. She gave me the strength to do so. On the way there, she asked, "Are you absolutely sure that you want to do this? You have to be certain." I said yes. I felt very ill after I returned the ring.

Lori never told me that she was actively dating until I got the e-mail of December 18th. In fact, she did not even mention that in the e-mail of the day before (the one in which she expressed contempt for my alleged accusation of infidelity). And, it was only about two weeks ago that she finally admitted to dating since late November. So, she had been dating for almost a month and I never knew anything about it. Does that qualify as clandestine? In the e-mail that she sent just before I left for Cali (in December), the one where she was essentially asking me to marry her, she mentioned that she was dating but only to prove that she was still desirable to me, that I had challenged her to date when I "refused to court [her]," and that she only had daytime dates to "prevent compromising situations." That has since changed. Her dates are now almost exclusively at night so, by inference, it is obvious that she is doing more serious dating. Bill, the commercial pilot, has been her steady. So, you see, I have no reason to believe in a reconciliation at this point in time.

What did she mean by "refused to court [her]"? Lori expected me to start again at square one with her. I was supposed to ask her out on dates just like any other clown. I didn't buy into that. I had already lived with her for a year. I have made love to her more times and in more ways than I can count. Now she was telling me I have been reduced to the status of a dating prospect, although  she conceded that I had a slight "advantage over the other guys." After Caroll's "clandestine" visit, she was extremely perturbed and told me that I had "lost all my privileges" and that I would have to "stand in the back of the line" with the rest of the clowns.

Before I left for Cali in December, I had also asked Lori if she had slept with anyone. If she had, I would never pursue a reconciliation. She said that I had no respect for her and I obviously didn't trust her. She would never have asked that of me. Doesn't the question, "Did you fuck her?," qualify as asking the same thing? That pretty much changed everything. Lori appears to have taken everything I said to be a challenge or a dare. So, I "forced" her to pursue Bill or whomever she was interested in. I think that this was a very childish and reactive position to take. But, that is me. Lori has her own ways of coping.

I have found that there was also a positive correlation between Lori's tirades and any mention of Caroll in the public journal. Lori believed that Caroll's sole purpose of her "clandestine" visit was to pursue something more than a friendship with me. In effect, Caroll was also nefariously trying to destroy my relationship with Lori. That's how Lori saw it. So, not to be outdone, Lori decided to bumrush the situation. Dating frenzy ensued.

Now, as far as the so-called Christmas shopping night was concerned, I may have been wrong to publicly speculate that there was an affair going on but, as you can see, I was accused of cheating first and in such a demeaning way. I had wondered whether Lori was projecting her own feelings of guilt upon me. I have never found out who she went Christmas shopping with. She has never said. I stopped by her place on the evening in question at about 11:30pm and she was still not home. She had left her daughter home alone that whole evening. One day, I'll ask Steph. In the meantime, I won't venture to guess.

Thursday March 4

I have decided to leave the pivotal events in the public journal for now. The rest of the journal would make little sense without them. There's some interesting things that I should point out. Lori went Christmas shopping on the evening of Monday December 14th and the journal entry concerning it did not appear until the next day. It read (since removed):

I think I finally figured out what's been going on. I tried to contact Lori yesterday, but she never called or e-mailed back. Her daughter said that she went Christmas shopping, but I suspect that she did not return home last night. My guess is that she has been seeing another guy for a while. I had an inkling that this may be the case when she accused me of sneaking around on her when Caroll was here. After being accused of everything under the sun including cheating on her, I may come to find out that she has been the one to carry on an affair. Strange. She threatened to have an affair if I didn't meet her demands. That was over two months ago.

Subject: Coming Clean
Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998
From: Lori

As an aside; would you print this as reader mail?

So, you want me to come clean? Here it is, the 'confession' you have looking for:

I have been reading your journal every week (Monday, 6pm, library) since I moved here. Before I had the house I went to all the I-net joints in town and accessed my own Teleport account, after that expired I just went to the library.

Some of your readers know this; I never told you because I wanted to preserve the integrity of your writing. What I discovered, much to my disappointment, was that you viewed me with contempt the entire time. How many Monday evenings did I come home fighting back the tears? Too many.

Re read this journal and tell me where it says that you care for me, that you have hopes and plans for us that there is a future for us. Is that the supposedly 'sappy stuff' from a few months ago? In a year and a half I have been trashed for the whole world to see without recourse. This site was supposed to be about you, it became about me, your resentment of me and your anger towards me.

In all the time you were doing this I never stepped on your journal. In your 'Time of Reckoning' (A/K/A 8 months of unemployment/at the Wailing Wall) I never once demanded that you end this journal (like The Competitor's tempBabe), I merely endured the ungracious and often insulting things that you wrote about me. I thought that the journal would be therapeutic for you, the only thing you had to do. It wasn't the only thing you had to do, you could have been editing our book (our book, remember our book? Our creation, our joint venture?), or you could have been writing a new one.

Where in this journal does it say that you were proud of me? That you were grateful for a woman who could be self-sufficient? That there was a possibility that we could make it together here in Hawaii, or anywhere, and have a good life together? You mention that I would be paying rent anywhere I go, would I? You don't. Your brother and sister-in-law didn't for 8+ years; my integrity kept me from taking advantage of a 76 year old woman (your Mom). Is that the 'pride' you condemn?

Yes, I am still grateful for the opportunity she provided for me and were it not for Moms I could not live here in Hawaii. I did not have to rent a house a few blocks from Mom's though; I did that for your convenience. Do you stay here? When you could have spent the summer here, you did not. You walk over, unannounced and sat on my couch (the Wailing Wall, for readers' sake) for hours. Not to tell me anything important or to share hopeful prospects with me, merely to lament. I would have to read the journal to find out you had a job interview.

Are your readers aware that THEY saw "I love Lori" in print before *I* ever saw or heard it? That for the most part the only time I ever knew what was going on was Monday evenings? That I found out that Carroll was here two days after she arrived? Why the big secret?  What were you hiding from me that I could not know she was coming to visit? You told me on Friday that you would be 'busy' and I could have 'my space', Monday I find out Carroll has been here three days already. Clandestine? Yet here you are accusing me of having an affair.

I had to pry information out of you for all this time; whenever I asked what you were up to you would always say "I'm busy" Never mind that I have to give painstaking details of every damned minute in my life away from you but you were always 'busy'. Thus I read the journal to find out what it was you were so busy doing.

You crossed way too many lines. Posting my salary was a tough one, I almost copped to reading right there. Speculating (incorrectly) on past relationships was the point where you got the ring back. If you wanted to know about anything you could have asked; I have not lied to you about anything. Now I go to Windward Mall to do some Christmas shopping (for readers, I have never been there and I do NOT have a six-four, I have ONLY a bus pass) and I am having an affair, and it has been going on for how long?

T, you insult not only me but your readers with all of this crap. If this relationship was so bad you would not have moved me into your mothers' home. You would not have stayed in a relationship with me long after I moved out. You would not have put a ring on my finger after two and a half years if all we ever did was have arguments. You rarely mentioned whenever I did something nice for you (which was almost daily, above and beyond 'the call', whether it was to mail you a card or buy you treats or make cookies for you, things that were not reciprocated). In spite of what you have printed you know you always had the money in the bank and I feel justified in asking "why didn't you do this in these last 2.5 years?" Well?

As for the arguments, lets go to this subject. Our most recent; you wanted my password for my email account. I said no. This is the first time I have said no; you have had all my passwords ALWAYS and do I have passwords to your accounts? NO. I do not feel you need my password for anything. I would have typed it in for you but you wanted my password. I think it is only fair to let the readers know the context of the dispute. You have NO RIGHT to my password.

T, I have been taken for granted, insulted, insinuated against and defamed. I did not threaten to have an affair; I told you that if you refused to be affectionate towards me that you were leaving the door open (for the first person to come along and touch me) to temptation. After all I have endured all I wanted was affection. You have let it be known to the world that you will give me no affection, respect or consideration.

When I asked to be removed from the journal I meant as subject matter. This journal was supposed to be about YOU, not my life and times. Again, even after we have 'broken up', you choose to make me the subject matter, defaming me, alluding to affairs, deception and whatever else you can come up with. Not even a simple wish can be complied with; I am overwrought with frustration and at my wit's end.

How can we be friends when you view me with such contempt? WHY would you want to be friends with me if you hate me so damned much? I had to end the engagement T; look back on this journal, re-read the whole thing and tell me if you get an overwhelming sense of love and caring for the partner of the writer. I didn't, I haven't and I don't believe it is possible. While you tell me now that you love me you have been telling the world of your contempt and resentment for me.

In retrospect I am glad I never told you I read the journals because I never would have known; I would have married you hoping that maybe one day you would be affectionate towards me. Now I realize that you are expunging your anger toward Susan at me. I do not deserve this, all I did was love you and try to get along with your hostility. Sure, I had my own hostility and the resentment grew as I read more and more defaming insults, but I tried to be compassionate towards the man I loved.

I just felt that the readers should know; since there are three sides to every story (his side, her side and the truth) that after all this time of no representation, well, even the accused gets to take the stand in a trial. And though I can't address every issue here (manipulating my ex (?), the time you screamed that you would NEVER defend me, all the refusals to do things, never going to the gym with me for over a year, etc.) I think it is safe to let the jury go into deliberations. They grow weary of this trial and so do I.

BTW, were it not for going to Windward Mall on Monday night and moving my access time to Wed. morning I would have no idea you were stooping so low; two Saturdays ago you insinuated as such until you found out was at an all day party in Hauula; not that you retracted any of your insinuations or let the readers know, you just left it hanging about people using accusations to mask guilt. At least it was genral, in a speculative sort of way. Now you are using my name and directing such accusations directly at me. I asked you nicely to remove me as subject matter from your journal once already. This breach is doing nothing to help maintain a friendship. Have you no honor? If your word is no good, why publish it?

I sent e-mail back asking about the allegations that Barbara had brought up and she returned a scathing reply (see V.1 of this journal). I happened to run into Lori and Lavinya at Barnes & Noble on Saturday. Lori had tears in her eyes. "Did you see my e-mail?" I said no. She told me to check my e-mail when I got home. She was referring to the e-mail in which she was basically asking me to marry her. I told her that I was leaving for Cali on Monday. She seemed sad. She also wanted to bring some onion soup by for moms on Sunday.

The next day, she came by and brought the onion soup. I asked her privately if she had slept with anyone since we broke up. She calmly said no. Then, Lori tried to talk to moms but moms deliberately ignored her. I could see that Lori was very upset. I walked her home and she went into a tirade about how I was a jerk for suspecting that she was cheating on me. She screamed, "If I want to get laid, I can get it anytime I want! Guys are hitting on me all the time! If I want to get off, I'll just use my hand!" The tirade eventually subsided and she wished me a good time in Cali. We hugged and I left.

After I returned from Cali, I asked her why she was proposing to me. She said that she had a change of heart. Then, she discovered that I was accusing her of infidelity in the journal. So, she changed her mind. Of course, that makes little sense since she had already chastised me about that three days prior to sending the proposal. I surmise that she was referring to my line of questioning. What made me suspect that something was going on? Well, Lori had cut me off abruptly from sex sometime in October. In retrospect, it was most likely a form of punishment. I had concluded that she must be seeing someone else. That was the basis of the whole misunderstanding. So, here we are.

Questions for Review:

• What do you think about this amazing story so far?
• Does the story that Chris related seem to have any merit?
• What exactly is Lori up to?
• Does the breakup make sense if it was based solely on the journal?
• If you were me, would you try to reconcile with Lori knowing all of this stuff?
• Should the pivotal events be removed from the public journal?

I still crave just even one passionate tryst with Lori. Why are men always slaves to their libido? I sure hope that Bill can keep up with Lori. Steph said that he's a "balding, middle-aged guy." She also said that he is "kind of boring but he dresses nice and has a real nice car." Well, he better stock up on Viagra because he's going to need it. When I first made love to Lori almost three years ago, I had tough time because I was celibate for so long. The plumbing was a little clogged. Man, after a few tries, everything was okay. On the third day that we were making love, though, I remember that I came so hard that I almost had a heart attack. I'm serious. I was paralyzed for about three minutes. I couldn't even move. Every nerve ending was pulsating with pleasure. That was the most awesome sex I've ever had. That's why I probably still crave a tryst with Lori.

I think that most rational people are going to reject the thesis that the journal has been responsible for what's happened here. To even think that Lori continues to read the journal and base her life on what's been written or not written is seemingly ridiculous. Yet, even Alexis was aware that the journal (she called it "the Web page") was important to Lori. The only entry I had put up prior to the incident on Monday February 22nd was the transient one that mentioned something in a convoluted fashion about having sex four or five times a day. I was using my soothsayer style. Of course, Lori would know exactly what I was talking about. Heck, I've been telling her how much I missed those days for the last few weeks that we were still friendly to each other. She has never wanted me to mention or infer anything about our sex life in the journal. That's what I believe she was up in arms about because that was the bait I used to see if she was still reading the journal. Lori is not stupid. She has probably noticed that the journal has been erratic and that I have not detailed much about what I've been doing. She knows that something is up. So, part of her ploy on that Monday was to intimidate me to "confess." That's how she found out about my conversation with Chris. I have no idea why I keep falling into her trap. That's the same modus operandi she used to find out about Caroll's visit.

Friday March 5

I received this e-mail from Barbara. I believe that she has some valid opinions.

Subject: Response to questions
Date: Thu, 4 Mar 1999 07:45:55 -0800 (PST)
From: Barbara

Hi Terrance,

Vol II has situational information that never came through on the public journal. To answer some of the questions as an observer from afar:

I believe that Lori did base much of what was going on through the journal. It seems to me that Lori needs to have complete control over her men. This is why she gives and takes the sex away. Also you infuriated her from the beginning by not writing the journal while she was there. Do you understand she needed control over your journal also? That this was a piece of you she could not control and that is why she was so fixated on it. I do not believe it was the journal that broke you two up. I believe it was a combination of not being able to control you which the journal had a big part in but also that she needs to live the Cinderella life. After you establish a relationship with someone, that is pretty impossible to maintain. Disillusionment sets in and then we have to deal with real people and real futures. There is not a prince charming and there is not the beautiful princess that needs rescue. She lives in a fantasy world. I believe you disappointed her by not becoming the famous writer/journalist. She had big dreams for you that maybe she never discussed with you. She had all these irrational expectations of people and they keep failing her. Her jobs, her men, and possible even her kid. She will leave them all behind to search for the perfect life. Little does she know the perfect life comes from within.

Terrance, this woman has classic child abuse behavior. It must have been horrible for her because she has it stuffed so deep she never could share it with you. I believe Lori is not nefarious and underhanded to try and manipulate men for her needs. I think she is reacting to things that happened to her many years ago and does not understand why she is doing what she does. The so called tirades come and go at the blink of an eye is a sign of emotional feelings coming out and not knowing how to deal with them. When you stuff things so deep certain acts or even words will set off the hidden feelings from unknown depths.

Any excuse that she can find to have control over you is what she will use against you. Talking to Chris put you out of her control again. She cannot control what you two are saying. The manipulation tactics are not working any more. She needs to move on before you discover the truth. The deep dark secret truth that she is really not who she has pretended to be. Even if she does not realize that she is pushing people away once she loses control over them. She is afraid you will see through the facade of the big strong beautiful, professional Lori. She is totally unconscious that she is doing this. But because you can not be controlled you are a threat to the secret.

Think  about that one. Her subconscience is fighting to preserve the horrible secret.

It is sad. I feel sorry for her. I went for help although my secrets were not as ugly as hers seems to be. I just had parents that neglected me. But I have very close friends that had parents do unthinkable things to them. It has taken along time for them in therapy to get a handle on it. She is a classic case.

Terrance I believe you have your own issues to deal with. Like why would your mom doing weird things bug you? It shouldn't. All moms look weird to us. Just be a loving and forgiving son. For all the wrongs our parents have committed against us we have to remember they were just humans. Not gods like we thought when we were little.

Again I want to say preserve yourself. Stay away from her. Remember the beautiful sex and now you know in your next relationship that is important to you. Learn from this and remember the red flags that were waving early in the relationship. If they pop up in the next one step back and take a long look at the person.

Lori will have to recognize her own problem before any one can help her. Maybe she will never see it. Steph will end up having to deal with abandonment issues when she gets older. She seems very bright and hopefully she will recognize she needs help early.

Aren't relationships fun? Only at first then they become a real effort. But once the issues are sifted through it can be quite rewarding.

Good luck with your survey. It would be interesting to see the all the different views on this.

Take care,
Barb

Lori's childhood was not a fond memory for her. She said that her parents were always fighting, even after they separated. The hatred between them was so great that it continues on through this day. Lori said that she was basically a "latchkey" kid during her adolescent years. She has never been fond of her mother. Her mother always made it known that Lori was basically a ball and chain. I have met Lori's mother. She is more concerned about her granddaughter than her own daughter. Lori's mother has also been on Prozac for a while. She also doesn't seem to able to hold a job for very long. I have witnessed her mother reduce Lori to tears during phone conversations that resulted in a lot of crying and screaming. Her mother knew how to push the right buttons. Eventually Lori would just hang up on her mother.

Barbara may have properly explained the strange affinity Lori had for the public journal. A strange and obscure journal on the Web. It was the journal that brought us together, and it is the journal that maintains an invisible bond between us today. What is she looking for, I wonder? What is she waiting for me to say?

More Background

Before I go on, I should continue with a little more background about the time we moved to Hawai'i and the breakup. When we moved to Hawai'i, Lori and I discovered that things were not going to be the same as they were when we were at Lori's love nest in Oregon. We were living with moms and my bro's family. It was not a good situation. There was a lot of tension, and there was a lot of resentment that Lori was there. I was the only wall between my family and Lori and, at the time, I let her down. We had to sleep separately since moms is very religious. Even today, she wonders, "Did God leave this house?," because she knowingly harbored two people who "had lived in sin." Lori and I rarely made love during this time because there were very few moments that we were left alone. We tried to honor moms convictions, but we gave in to temptation many times and passionately made love like it would be our last time.

The tension in the house continued to mount. My bro and sister-in-law kept putting the pressure on moms to ask Lori to leave. Never mind that they had been living there for almost eight years, and that my sister-in-law had pulled a more nefarious stunt a long time ago.

In December, Lori found her own place just a few minutes away. She did so with good intention. Even though it cost a lot more rent, she wanted to be near me. This was also when she was still working as a receptionist. I also detailed this in the public journal. Steph finally moved here in January and started school at Koko Head Elementary. I did not move in with Lori. I stayed on with moms because I wanted to help her keep some control over her house. My bro's family had taken over most of the house. As you may recall, I slept in the back room, which was their storage "warehouse." Even after they finally moved out in February of last year, I decided to stay with moms. I have no idea why I didn't move in with Lori. Perhaps I was trying to lose the dependence on her that I thought I had developed while I was in Oregon. It was foolish thinking at best, and it was what really led to the demise of our relationship. As I ramped up to my time of reckoning, I spent less and less time with Lori. We made love usually one day a week when we could find the time and privacy (since Lori was working and Steph was there). Since I did not spend the nights there, I was already essentially just dating Lori. I saw her after work or on the weekends. It never dawned upon me that I was killing the relationship. Lori felt alone and abandoned. I think the capstone was when I didn't stay with her during the vacations when Steph went back to Oregon.

I don't want to blame things on moms. But, moms indirectly put a lot of pressure on me to observe God's laws. Just her presence made me nervous and unsure of my own actions. When I was in Oregon, the distance made ignorance possible. When I was just a few blocks away, I knew that moms was frowning upon my actions. She was aware that I was "living in sin." I didn't want to be turned out by moms. Perhaps that is why I developed some resentment toward moms here in the end. She, too, has exercised too much control over my life.

Things were okay for a while. Lori and I made passionate love a lot more. She commented one day that I was becoming much more uninhibited in my love-making. I actually think that it was the other way around. Lori felt much better about herself with the new job. I could sense that she really enjoyed our intimate moments and she had a desire to experiment more. In the back of my mind, I wondered whether it was me or just the fact that her life had changed. As you can see, I was already establishing the framework for the stupidity that was to ensue shortly afterward.

The Summer vacation probably demoralized Lori completely. By that time, I had already started the beginning of my demise through the endless stupidity I called my "time of reckoning." I kept my distance even more so to keep Lori from seeing me in my weakened state. All in all, you can see how the demise of the relationship came about through some very stupid circumstances. I'm not going to say that Lori was long-suffering and was working hard to keep the relationship together. She rarely communicated her needs to me but I should have known better. That was my responsibility. I neglected Lori and pretty much abandoned her. She was very lonely and I could sense it. I just chose to ignore it over my own needs for self-pity. Lori was wrapped in other things as well. She had gotten a significant pay raise with her promotion, and so she was now preoccupied with being able to afford to do whatever she wanted. Perhaps this was a coping mechanism for a failing relationship.

She still wanted us to get married, but I was very non-committal at that point. I just wasn't sure. I have no idea why. I finally proposed to her in September but not in a very romantic fashion. I think that my pride prevented me from doing things properly. I just expected Lori to accept my love for her on face value and not bother me with the details. Nothing really changed after that. I was still living at moms' place. I still only saw her in the evenings and the weekends. I tucked her in every night but I rarely stayed over. We made love whenever we could find private moments. I am sure that you read the details of my pathetic behavior during my time of reckoning. I was constantly depressed. I did not want to do anything. I was lamenting at the Wailing Wall. It was sickening. I was finally coming out of it in September when Lori decided to call it quits. Of course, she alleged that she was reading the public journal secretly during that time. That is highly possible. We were having weekly spats for what seemed like trivial situations. Lori's behavior seemed erratic and almost psychotic. She erupted in unexplainable tirades. On November 7th, she mentioned something about how her friends on the mainland were reading the journal and had sent her e-mail about how I was slandering her. however, that didn't stop me from writing the scathing entries which Lori developed a lot of resentment.

So, knowing this now, I cannot just claim to be an unwitting participant in this whole affair. I could have done a lot more to save our relationship, but I didn't. I let it continue to disintegrate while my only concern was to mow Lori's lawn and trim her hedges. That's a guy's way of showing love, I rationalized to myself. I was in my own world and I couldn't be bothered. I made my bed, and now I must sleep in it. Granted, I still believe that Lori had her own set of unresolved issues. Some of the things which Barbara brought up have a lot of credence. Thus, together in that slice of time, those ingredients made for a volatile relationship that ultimately failed. I really made a big mess of things when I could have easily fixed them up.

I probably should have included this background information first and foremost in this journal. This new understanding sheds a different light on the whole situation. I don't want anyone to misconstrue my writing as more lamentations at the Wailing Wall. Yes, I am grieving over my past mistakes. Yes, I miss Lori and I still love her (the Lori from two years ago). But, I am not working toward reconciliation. I am working toward closure. That's all I can do.

To be continued ... Go to V.3