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I saw Lori on the bus this morning as I headed to town. She must have flown in yesterday from San Diego. She knows that I take this later bus on Fridays, but I cannot speculate that she was on it for any other reason than to get to town. She waved but I just ignored her. I will be invisible to her now as I stated in the public journal. And, why is she being friendly? Didn't she tell me to never talk to her again? She sat up in the front. I knew then that she wanted to keep her distance. She was wearing a long black dress. Wow! She looked beautiful.

Lori is wearing a ring on her ring finger. It doesn't have a diamond. She only wears a ring there if she is seeing someone she's interested in. After she gave me back the engagement ring, she still wore a ring on that finger. When she finally broke things off with me, the ring disappeared. Now, the ring is back again. It was hard for me not to imagine that Balding Bill is the guy who is putting his arms around her and kissing her. It really made me sick to imagine him making love to Lori. He has probably already ordered a year's supply of Viagra. Believe me, he's going to need it.

I saw Lori twice again today. She was coming out of the Love's Bakery store while I was walking across the street to get my monk haircut. Then, as I was leaving the gym, she was walking up the stairs from the other direction. She did not attempt to acknowledge me either time. I am invisible. That's funny. On the day I really didn't want to see her, I practically run into her three times. I don't want to bring up the sinister kahuna in this journal. I don't think that it's a great idea for me to establish any contact with her at this point in time. I know that within a week, there would be another tirade over something stupid, most likely something in the public journal. However, since I am not writing anything important in the public journal anymore, what could possibly cause a tirade?

I've decided to take the scalpel to the journal for one last time. I removed the pivotal events, the last of an era. In the public journal, I bid farewell to Lori today. I must begin the separation process now. On March 16th (our would-have-been third anniversary), I will send some flowers to Lori's office. There will be no card and no name. I will make sure that she cannot find out who sent it. She'll probably assume that Balding Bill sent them. It will be my closure.

Let's take a look at some viewer mail. Robert (rbryant@mci2000.com) wrote:

I had a dream (nightmare?) last night that out-of-the-blue Lori invited you to fly to Chicago with her. She then made you go with her to see the Jerry Springer show. When you got there, instead of being in the audience you ended up being the guests. You were expecting that she was going to propose to you once again, but instead she brought out her middle-aged pilot and began swapping spit. Fortunately you were in much better shape and floored him with just one punch. Then, to get back at her you somehow brought out Caroll (It was a dream after all). When she appeared you immediately began swapping spit with her which drove Lori wild and she began to attack Caroll. When I woke up I realized that you would never stoop that low, but would Lori?

No. Run, run away - no, FLY away, back to California just as soon as you can. Try to forget and to find someone else. Yeah, she's beautiful - hell, I have eyes, you know? I met her, I felt her sensuality - I mean damn, the woman oozes sexuality, a man can't help but notice it - but it's a TRAP. It's like offering honey to a bear, they can't resist. But that's how hunters lure the bear in, then they blow his ass away. See the parallel?

Don't be surprised if you do hear from her. The name of this game is power and as soon as it appears that her power over you is slipping I predict she will do whatever she can to make you acknowledge at least the history of that power. Beware this trap, even if you have to do it as an act for some time, do not let her have any satisfaction from knowing you care or cared. The longer you participate in the game the longer it will be before you can heal.

In 'Zen...' there is a story about an indian brujo (shaman) who is first despised by the tribe elders, but eventually becomes their leader. Why? Because he was an agent of change for the tribe, as he was able to help them adapt to outside pressures from the white man. I think in some ways Lori sees you as some sort of enigma, and also as an agent of change for her. After all, why did she move to O'ahu? But I think she got far more than she bargained for.

The control issues and the 'horrible secret' are quite interesting. I can see how that could be arrived at. I was in the midst of overanalysing and came up with this idea. There is a lot of anger in Lori. I wonder if thats because no one takes her seriously on an intellectual level. She has a degree of native intelligence, but this is more like a natural savviness, or what would be termed 'street smarts' on this coast.

Lori values material things as proof of 'making it' or being successful. Take the ugly, black, expensive furniture. Doesn't like it but it cost a lot therefore it, and she by ownership extension, must be worth a lot. Take the guys with the material possesions. If she can get them, and their possesions, then she, by extension must have an equal worth. But wait, theres more!!! Why did she pick a lonely monk to target as her romantic interest? Well, you were a big challenge, and yet you did not pose the impossible. A trophy, yes, but not unattainable. Wow! Imagine that --- being the one woman able to break a monk out of ten years of celibacy. Cool! That would make her a higher level, or even a more 'real,' woman. With all her sexual experience, she probably had a high degree of confidence that her mission would be successful. Why did it fall apart after she finally got you to propose? Maybe the chase was over.

Imagine that, and then, imagine that the conquest had at least two other things you desired. First, he's the star of  his own web page. To be the star's babe, why, doesn't that make her, by extension, a star as well? Cool! I suspect that she did not and does not socialise with people of the highest intellectual caliber. Yet, I also suspect that she is on some level furious that she has never been valued for her intellectual input. Here is a chance. Not only intellect by association, but the chance to be publicly validated by a book. An author! No one could argue with that. But that just went by the wayside. Once again it is sex that is valued above intellect.

So here is a girl whose own parents don't support her efforts and growth and don't show her the love that we all need, yes need in order to grow to be healthy, productive, happy adults. Whats wrong with her that her own parents don't love her, but no, the fault is in her parents. But a child's elastic, forgiving and loving heart will never put the blame on the parents, only on themselves. She has native intelligence but somehow discovers that sex gets her almost what she wants a lot quicker. She becomes willing to settle for that. And I can't believe that other women have been extremely supportive as a rule. We tend to pick up on who is good at the sex thang, and we either revile her for it, or the more honest of us admit we are jealous and let it go at that.

Questions for Review:

• If Lori has a new life now, then what does she stand to gain by maintaining control over me?
• Do you think that Lori is doing the nasty with Balding Bill, or is all of this a ploy to gain control of me through jealousy?
• Why hasn't Alexis or anyone else seen through this crap? Why do they stand behind Lori?
• Why is it assumed that Lori is at fault? Could it not be me?
• Should the anonymous flowers be sent on March 16th?

Saturday March 6

Am I suffering from satyriasis, or what? I never intended to write a journal like this. Now I am more committed to this journal than the public journal. Am I getting caught up in the debauchery? That's a scary thought. It's been hard for me think of what to write in the public journal. Subconsciously, I think that I am trying to disconnect Lori from the public journal. As she sees that there is nothing more about her or that the topics are mundane, she will just lose interest and maybe check it once a year.

As for me, I have a long way to go. I have not been able to sleep for weeks. Part of the reason is that I have not coped well with the loneliness. The other reason is the haunting information in this journal. I referred to the "journal of the mind" in the public journal. This is it. It is part of the healing and understanding process but, in some respects, it is exacerbating the problem.

As I have not heard from Lori, it is possible that she has moved on, so to speak. Only I am "stuck on stupid," as Caroll would say. Yet, why would Lori be talking about me all the time, as Alexis mentioned? Of course, why am I talking about Lori all the time? Kevin (cyclist@flash.net) had an interesting comment:

Here's a suggestion for another survey question. You could ask people to give their opinions about whether she really loved you or not. I think that she did, at least from what I saw, and how she spoke about you when you weren't there. But you know, if it was meant to be, it would have endured.

In retrospect, I will admit that I was becoming a sniveling worm after the breakup. I kept vacillating from extreme to extreme. On one hand, I just told her that we should cut our losses and move on. On the other hand, I wanted her back. She actually spent more time with me than anyone else. During that time, I questioned her about her dating activities so I could ascertain whether I was wasting my time or not. I also tried to make her renew some kind of commitment to me. She told me that I was trying to control her and that made my time with her no fun. When I mentioned moving to Cali for the Summer, she took it as an ultimatum. In some respects, I was probably trying too hard to reconcile. When I asked about her dating activities, she used to tell me, "Don't worry. You are only competing with yourself." She said that the dating was just a diversion since I never wanted to do anything with her before. Then, she mentioned several times that, if I didn't try so hard to make things happen, then everything would just gravitate to where they should be. I guess that she meant she needed some space. The whole thing, in a way, has been a comedy of errors. The bottom line is that I am also a controlling person, more than meets the eye.

As I was composing e-mail, I was thinking about Annie's comments. Lori has told me on several occasions that I was a "very influential person in [her] life." Then, as I read Annie's comment about intellectual validation, it made me think. The one thing that brought Lori and I together was our collaborative book project. It was a common goal that we had. Lori is currently working on a book, but she admitted that it was much easier to play Windows Solitaire once the computer was out. Lori is not stupid or uneducated by any means. She spent a few years at Boston University before she decided to quit. I have no idea why. She reads quite a few books, and I'm not talking about romance novels. In fact, she does a lot of reading on the bus. That made me think. I have only given Lori sexual validation both in person and in this private journal. Have I given her intellectual validation or validation of her self-worth other than her sexual prowess?

Lori's friend, Lavinya, is about the only person in her group of friends that strikes me as a true professional. She is a full accountant working for a certain Federal agency. She was also the only one who appealed to Lori to consider a reconciliation with me. Lavinya is also working very diligently to become a writer. She has entered several literary contests. That's more than I can say about the rest of us wannabe writers. The remainder of Lori's friends, including Alexis and her husband, remind me of her friends in Oregon. Basically party trash.

With that, I think I've answered one of my own questions. I think Lori has to snag someone like Balding Bill. He is of the economic and social class that she desires to be a part of. It will be her escape from the mundane existence of the working class. [Mind you, Lori has done well for herself. She makes a mid-five-figure income with no college degree. For now, she does not need a "sugar daddy."] Since I cannot provide that escape, especially in a reasonable amount of time, I have outlived my usefulness. I think that I was desperately trying to patch things up with Lori before the inevitable was to happen. Little did I realize that nothing can stop it from happening. The mindset was already there. With that, I can say that Lori probably still loves me. But, she must move on and snag someone like Balding Bill because he can provide what love can't. It is sad but the real truth of life is that there is no separation between love and economics. The border becomes muddled and they eventually fuse into one. That, I believe, is the paradox Lori is grappling with.

I saw Lori on the bus this afternoon. She did not acknowledge my existence, so I left it at that. After all, I ignored her friendly gesture yesterday. We both went to the gym and rode the same bus home. No one would have guessed that we knew other, no less slept with each other at one time. I watched her as she did her cardio set on the Teleporter machine. She has gotten a little thick, but I wanted to walk up behind her and cup my hands on her breasts. I could feel my tongue running along the nape and I could taste her sweat at the tip.  The glistening moisture made it easier for the palm of my hand to slide along her abdomen to the place of pleasure. The Palace. Oh, yes. It took all my strength from giving in and talking to her. But, I knew better. If I had, I would have opened the door for another tirade as early as tomorrow. This really brings the control issue to the forefront. This is a mind game she is playing and control over me is the prize. Why? Today, homey didn't play dat.

Sunday March 7

I feel so much freedom when I compose the entries for this journal. I have been constrained for so long because of my fear that Lori was basing so much of her resentment on the meaning of my spartan text. The best part is that I only have to upload it once since it goes to one site only and into a hidden folder. I think I'm almost ready to write my book. What would I write about?

There has been a lot of interesting feedback. The following piece of e-mail has some very solid points:

Subject:
Date: Sat, 06 Mar 1999 15:18:08 PST
From: Neal (niall@allover.com)

Geeze, Terrance, you're still shredding yourself up over this? Okay, so it's kind of fun - a guilty pleasure.

Just FYI, the indian brujo story is from 'Lila', not ZAMM. My mistake. I checked (easy to do since ZAMM is all over the Internet in text form.)

Some things Annie said seem to have hit the mark. In short, Lori is an insecure person seeking 'approval' (from whom is unclear, perhaps even to Lori herself) and believes that the appearance of wealth will do that, and she reverts to sex to get there. 'Lila' has some insight into this - about wealth, 'society' and Victorian 'morals' and sexuality. Really, I think it's worth a look for you just now; I think you'd get more out of it than Covey. 'Lila' has much to say about celebrity, too, which accroding to Pirsig is what defines 'success' these days. Both you and Lori seem to have that craving.

Anyway, my spin on this is that Lori's insecurity and self-doubt keep her from establishing balanced, long-term relationships with successful men, for fear that she will be 'found out' as 'not intelligent' and therefore be hurt.

You have to wonder with all the exposure she's had to wealthy people in banking and entertainment why she thus far has not had a long-term relationship with a successful man. I think the answer lies in the nature of successful people. Business acumen is as much about animal instinct and charisma as it is about technological leadership and finanical cunning. This poses a problem for Lori: lack of self-confidence - and not intelligence - is one of the first things successful people pick up on in people they meet. These people would (and probably do) size up Lori in nothing flat. Lori is probably aware of this, so to avoid being hurt she never tries to date, say, a venture capitalist. This is probably a huge point of frustration for her.

Let me talk about the 'not intelligent' part for a minute. Lori probably posesses a fair intellect, but she has not developed ways of expressing it - let alone empowering herself with it - especially with the men in her life. She has not developed significant outwardly-visible intellectual value, and feels insecure about it.

Based on what I saw on her original homepage (Loredana's Homepage) she has some reason to be insecure. Her writing is typical for a non-writer: lacking in style, structure and deep insight. In that she probably feels envious of you - that you have the knack for creating humor out of simple things like your neighbor flushing his toilet four times in a row. For for a time she tried  to 'prove' to you that she also had writing skill, but failed.

What she maybe doesn't 'get' is that on the path you've taken with your writing you've made a huge emotional and time investment. You've been willing to take some risks along the way (this private journal being one of them.) You've paid your dues to develop a writing style that sometimes rises to a publishable level. You've also been willing to hold yourself up to the scrutiny of others. This is why you've had some success with the journal, and it was the very thing that drew Lori to you in the first place. The irony is not lost on me here.

In her relationship history I see a general pattern that inevitably ends with the same result. Lori at first tries to transcend herself through competing with her man (with Chris it was the event organizing; with you, the writing), but when she flames out she reverts to the thing she knows empowers her: sex. But why sex? Perhaps there is some other history Lori is unwilling to talk about - abuse, etc. Or, it may be as simple as sex is the only power tool she has confidence in (I like the saying, "When your only tool is a hammer every problem begins to look like a nail.") Either way, these are issues she will need to get a handle on before she can change the course of her relationships.

Based on this, I expect that Bill the Bald Pilot will be past history fairly soon. Not to disparage someone I've never met, but commerical pilots by their nature (and the demands of the job) are intellectual control freaks, and further, have lots of self-confidence. I can imagine that Bill will be able to compartementalize that part of himself for only so long under the stress that Lori will lay on him. When Bill's need for control finally bubbles up to the surface (and it will), Lori won't be able to deal with it. Or, Bill will uncover Lori's secret weakness, and Lori won't be able to deal with that, either. Ironically, I doubt that Lori could become a pilot (for one thing it's expensive), so there is no hope of her competing. It'll be scorched-earth again.

What is Lori's way out? Probably it is to seperate her ambition from her relationship needs. She should find a mentor - preferably a female one, so that sexuality isn't an issue - who will work with her to develop whatever career and intellectual talents she may have. She might also consider seeing a therapist to get a handle on her sexuality and the history that led to it. Once she's well on her way to dealing with these things, she should hook up with a partner who is secure in himself and who can be supportive without needing to dominate or control (the two tend to go together.)

In the latter, Terrance, you almost succeeded, but probably failed as you had so many of your own issues to deal with. I can imagine, for example, how your mom's influence over you became a wedge with you and Lori. For one thing, you may have unwittingly rushed a proposal to Lori in order to stop 'living in sin' - thus catering to your mom. Rule #1 in a viable relationship has to be this: mate first, family second. Your mom should've respected that too, so shame on her as well.

Why should you care at this point who Lori is seeing, or what specifically she is doing with them? Don't allow yourself to worry about it (I know it's difficult) or it will just drive you crazy. You should be healing, not reopening the wound.

By the same token, I think Lori still may have the same control impulse towards you. I think it's a normal breaking-up thing. After all, for a while it does hurt thinking about an ex-lover with someone else, so by controlling that person you can hope to 'avoid' that pain. It will pass.

I don't know why Alexis and Lori's other friends are behaving the way they are. I suppose it's that sisterhood thing - being supportive and non-judgemental. I got some of that crap from my ex-fiancee's family. I'm sure it too will pass.

As far as finding fault - don't confuse attempts at understanding with fault-finding, which implies a relative value judgement. You and Lori are two different sets of values; at the moment you seem to be asking for help in establishing what hers are or were. I'm sure your turn will come soon (if not already, see above.)

Aloha brah -
-Neal

Let's talk about Balding Bill. I have never met him nor do I know much about him except that he is a "middle-aged, balding guy." He is supposedly a "real nice guy." He also "dresses nice and drives a nice car," and he allegedly makes over $100,000 per year. I don't care how much dough a man makes. If he is dating a babe and spending a lot of dough on her, he is going to want his just reward, if you know what I mean. There are few men that are above this sort of thing. Money can and does buy sex. Lori is close to the point where she must make a decision, not just about doing the wild thing with Balding Bill but also whether she wants to commit to him. It made me ill to visualize Balding Bill doing spoons with Lori. However, I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to see that she may have to commit to him. She has already incurred a heavy obligation (three month's worth) to him. It would be cruel to turn him out now. I know that this kind of falls under conjecture, but I just had to get it off my chest.

As it is plainly obvious that Lori and I will not be celebrating our would-be third anniversary, I assume that Lori will be forced to consummate her relationship with Balding Bill. It sounds stupid, doesn't it? However, Lori places a lot of emphasis on astrology and recurring dates. For example, July 11th was the day that Lori and her husband divorced (or something like that). That's also the day that Lance, "the carpet guy," cheated on her. It was the day that we had the incident at Cannon Beach. Lori fears July 11th. She has become so wrapped up in the negative significance of that day such that it becomes a recurring event of horror. Little does she realize that she sets herself up for it. March 16th will be like any other day to you, but Lori will remember that she drove 1,000 miles from Oregon to Central Cali to meet me for the first time three years ago. March 18th was the day we consummated our relationship with some incredible love-making. Steph will be away on vacation during this time. Lori will be extremely depressed, alone and lonely. The overbearing significance of this anniversary date can only be negated if it is replaced with another event of equal or greater significance.

I do not believe that any of the encounters I have had with Lori in the last two days were by chance. She knows when I go to the gym on weekends. She knows which bus I take on weekdays when I go to town. It was by no coincidence that she was there. Remember when Donna told me that women do not do things for no reason at all? These were carefully choreographed events. With less than ten days left before the inevitable (Balding Bill boinking) is to happen, Lori is feebly giving me a chance to "save" her. Yeah, right. I will be on the plane to Cali when Balding Bill may get to experience his first awesome night with Lori. I could have taken a chance to stop the inevitable by playing into the control game, but that would have been risky. Another tirade incident would definitely force her hand because I challenged her (i.e., she would be forced to screw Balding Bill because I made her mad). So, I took a chance. I passively ignored her instead of actively challenging her. She was upset but not as upset as she would have been if we had another tirade incident. The course she takes will be solely her responsibility.

From what I can tell, Lori is an incredibly angry woman. I have no idea how she can function on a daily basis. When you first meet her, you would be impressed with how charming she is. She has a beautiful smile. For men, it's even more so. Kevin (cyclist@flash.net) said, "Lori is absolutely gorgeous. But it goes beyond her looks. She just reeks of sexuality. I've seen this before, and I have no explanation for how it's done, or even why I think that. If she had been available and interested, I would surely have dated her. I don't think many (straight) men could have resisted." But, the anger is there, deep down inside. I can only guess but she does not seem to possess the ability to forgive. She harbors grudges for long periods of time. She has never forgiven her ex-husband, although she does still have to deal with him. That may have kept the flames of hatred alive in both camps for so long. She has never forgiven the "carpet guy" for his infidelity. And, she will not forgive me. Our sins have been lumped all together such that Lori may not really be able to tell who perpetrated what. I say this because I have a difficult time understanding how I incurred so much wrath from her. I believe that most of her relationships followed a similar pattern. First, there is beautiful passionate discovery with romance and fun. Then, as the months turn into years, the relationship changes. It matures to a different form but not one that Lori is content with. Men follow this pattern with unusual commonality. Romance turns to utility but the love is still there. Lori only seems to recognize romantic love. Thus, all of her men betrayed her at some point. Can you also see some correlation? Do you see why she was upset about Caroll's "clandestine" visit and my alleged accusations of her infidelity? Did you say "carpet guy"? I would not be surprised if many of the things I unwittingly say and do are actually hidden triggers Lori from Lori's past relationships. As our relationship disintegrated, Lori probably no longer cared to distinguish me from any of the other perpetrators and, thus, I began to take the full brunt of her deep-seated anger.

I have one more topic. It has to do with the public journal. I believe that there was a distinct neural connection developing between Lori and the public journal. She has always said that she does not understand men. I was one of the few men who put my thoughts into words, albeit foolishly. Yet, the seriousness of Lori's relationship with my journal cannot be understated. When I visited Oregon, I stayed with Lori. I wrote my journal daily and I used to let Lori read it. I was a little self-conscious about it and told her. After we moved to Hawai'i, I became more hesitant about letting her read the journal especially over my shoulder as I wrote it. Soon, I didn't let her read the journal from my computer at all. I never realized how serious she took the reading of the journal. That's why she started going to the library and the internet cafés to read it. I'm sure that she resented the fact that I just didn't let her read it off my computer. She interpreted that as my attempt to disconnect her. Now, I am doing it again. Only this time, I have disconnected her completely. She has no access to the private journal. And, the public journal has been sacrificed in order to accomplish the disconnection. So, you see there was real meaning to the soothsayer stuff I wrote last week. Lori is not stupid. She knows that this is happening. I have also physically disconnected from her since we don't talk to each other. She could get by before because I was always there, at least in the form of the journal. Now, that is gone as well. This is not a cruel game that I am playing. It is my survival at stake.

I seriously believe that Lori needs help. She's not a psycho but she is getting close. Balding Bill is in real trouble. No matter how great a guy he is, he will end up like I did. But, he will also take the brunt of the same anger that I did plus that of one additional guy ... me. That's a lot of anger. Lori will never find the Knight in Shining Armor she's looking for because she will have "chased them all away." Remember when Steph said that? And, with each successive guy, she will become more brutal. I am the only guy who will stick around and help her if she wants help. The next guy is in big trouble.

Monday March 8

"What the fuck is happening to me?" I cried out in pain. "What the hell am I worried about that bitch when she's already got a new boyfriend?" Profanity does not come easy for me, but it did today. "Shit, I am so damned horny! I hate it when this happens! If I don't get laid soon, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do." This is not something that I can relate in the public journal. I have no idea what happened to my monk self-control but it's gone, and I am losin' it. I saw some luscious babe at the gym yesterday, and I wanted to hit on her. Fortunately, I realized that I'm not a stud. I'm a monk. It doesn't change the fact that I am ready to explode, if you know what I mean.

In-line with these thought, Paul sent me e-mail. He is very concerned about the situation, especially that I might be plotting my own demise. He wrote:

Man you have to let this thing go. NOBODY can change anybody else. If Lori is going to change she will have to see her problems clearly through her own eyes. You can not even mirror the problem to her. Move on in your life. The things I put in my letter were to show you a parallel, my ex has another sucker, so does Lori. Stop lying to yourself. Nobody is going to pay for numerous expensive dates with Lori without sexual payback. Change your focus. Beat your meat to a pulp, fantasizing about anybody but Lori. Use porno or whatever else it takes. Get this woman off your mind. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. You have a choice to make here, down one path is the possibility of a healthy future, following your current course lies only disaster.

I'm beginning to see that I'm not doing myself any favors here. I have been praying incessantly for the strength to get over the breakup and to stop thinking about Lori. I don't think that there's much more to analyze about the breakup insofar as Lori is concerned. As I replied to Paul:

As I see it, Lori had a choice. She could settle for some guy who's a nobody, working part-time and living with his mother. Or, she could go after a pilot who makes a lot of dough and probably has a nice house in the hills. If I was a 39-year-old babe, I think I know where I'd go.

Granted Lori has a lot of problems but she has been validated by the system. She has a great job now that pays well and she has a group of party friends who accept her and like her. They even set her up with Balding Bill. What more can you ask? I could not compete with that. The draw of the glitter crowd is too much for Lori. She has always been attracted to the fast lane.

There may be a few things about my own behavior that needs to investigated. One of things I should mention is that I used to go off on tirades, too. This became more prevalent when we moved to Hawai'i. I attributed it to the stress of the move. I yelled at Lori frequently and used the same kind of profanity she now uses with me. However, my tirades usually lasted about 30 minutes. Lori was always able to calm me down and reason with me. She never once reacted or exacerbated the situation by yelling back. I mentioned, too, that I tried to break off our relationship a number of times. I'd storm off from Lori's place, and then return with all the stuff she had given me including our pictures. I'd give them to her and tell her that "it's over." This broke her heart every time. I was so mean and cruel about it. Little wonder that Lori decided that she didn't need that anymore. Actually, my behavior was childish and immature for a good portion of the year. I had no real excuse for this outlandish behavior aside from my chronic unemployment. Yet, why did I take it out on her?

I finally received the Magnum Opus document from Annie. It is a bit lengthy to include here. Annie provided several viewpoint to each of the subjects by taking on a generic moniker (e.g., The Gut Response, The Lofty Response, etc.). I will include a few. In answer to the question, "What exactly is Lori up to?", she wrote:

The Gut response:

I think she is a very angry, bitter, and disappointed woman who is flogging a dead horse. First you break up and you concentrate on all the bad things. Then comes a break and you remember the good things and you feel warmth toward the object of your wrath. She is just also going through a phase of breaking up. Yes, I do think she is still on some way trying to control you or one-up you, but she is also deluding herself and playing a lot of dramatics. She is spinning her wheels. As for the dating, well, thatâs her mission. She has to date. She has to be the object of desire. Otherwise sheâll be left with nobody but herself. Not a bad thing if you can get over the fear of yourself. Get to know who you are, and that will lead you to others.

The Insensitive answer:

Helooooo!!! Anyone home? Where were you the last couple of months of last year? What do you think she was doing back then? Why the irrational response to Carroll? You know she lies like the rug on the floor? Wakey wakey!!!! And, like, if it is, its working, isnât it.

The Gut answer:

I am sorry, but I am going to have to agree with the asshole in the first response. I think Lori canât help sleeping with people. I donât think any woman is immune to a roll in the hay as a quick fix. She was unemployed and in a rocky relationship. I wonât surmise it was Bill, but I think she has been sleeping, shall we say, since last year. Hey, you were broken up. She had and has the right. She can pursue any relationship she wants. So can you. I think she is now escalating things with Bill, and that is her business. You know her MO, you know who and what she is. Let her live her life. Its not yours to dictate.

The Gut answer:

Only a coward hides behind anonymity. The answer is no. Not anonymously. If I were in her shoes, I would just say ãCowardä and give them all away. Jinkies, I did *that* when they werenât even anonymous, back after a breakup of a few years ago. It might be like waving a red flag at a bull. If you have thought seriously about a reconciliation, with counseling, and honesty, then I would send flowers and a letter to her house. ( You wouldnât want to upset her at work.) Saying that I had  a lot of growing up to do, and that if she thought we had a chance, would she be amenable to couples counseling. Maybe even just to get back to the friendship part.  And I wouldnât have any expectations, and I wouldnât go demanding answers. I would let her know that the door was always open, whether as friends or more. That is a really tall order and I donât know if its possible to go through with it. I think you two could make a go of it but you would have to do a lot of very hard work. I donât think either of you two respect each other. How can you go anywhere without that? Also, I donât think you two accept each other for who you are this very minute. AND I think you two might have serious acceptance issues with your own selves, too. Thatâs not clear, is it? I mean, I donât know if Lori has respect for herself. And I donât know if you have respect for yourself. I mean as much as you could. You both seem to be pretty unforgiving of yourselves. This is a serious thing.

Neal (niall@allover.com) suggested that I contact Lori for one last time and briefly explain that I did not acknowledge her in the last few days because I respected her wishes and I also did not want to cause more hurt. He suggested that I state that there were no hard feelings and that I offer to keep the door open for friendship. So, I sent a terse e-mail to her. Neal then commented:

E-mail? That's the problem. That, and the public journal, lack a personal touch. It's like you're afraid to talk with her directly, that is, to take the risk. She doesn't hear the inflection in your voice; she doesn't feel your emotion. I know that sounds lame, but it does make a difference.

Another way to look at it is this: the journal - and the use of a computer to communicate - was one of the issues that became a wedge. That's why I specifically didn't suggest it. Lori complained - legitimately, I might add - that you couldn't express your feelings to her, except in the journal for all the world to see; or worse, when she pushed you into a tirade. Basically, you seem to be stuck in your pattern just as much as she is in hers. As long as that remained the case you were going nowhere. Breaking up was probably the best outcome that could have happened; on that level you should be grateful. Now that you're out of that pattern, you now have an opportunity to focus energy on gaining some insight, an important part of a balanced personal-growth breakfast.

You have to do what you feel you can, but I think it's time to try out a new way to communicate, to get un-stuck as it were. I think it's a neccessary and long-overdue first step toward transcendence on your part. As far as Lori is concerned, you have nothing to lose at this point.

Take the risk....

I know it's a fine point, but the message-machine ploy avoids this. Technically, you're talking to her machine, not to her directly. It avoids confrontation (which is really what she doesn't want) yet it breaks out of the computer-as-communication box. You get your feelings across, you show that you're willing to take a risk (by leaving the door open to her); yet she doesn't lose control over the interaction.

I would only do this once, however (and you should probably say so to allay any fear of hers that you will 'harass' her.) After that, you're gonna have to let it go.

<K> (Kane1Nihm@aol.com) also discussed a similar point:

Read the private Journal when I got home today and while reading what you're friend Barbarra had said about her wanting to control you and the journal, I had some other ideas, although they fall upon the same lines. I do think Lori is a controlling person, but we all are to an extent. However, I dont think its so much that she wanted to control the Journal, but that the Journal seemed more important than her to you sometimes. Especially after re-reading the email she sent you after the alleged cheating incident. Lori seems to be a person who needs to be the center of attention where ever she goes, which I think goes along with her desire to live the "high life." If she dosen't have big bank (or a man with big bank) then she's not going to be invited to all the social elite parties where she can bask in the glow. This corilates with her inablity to handle the fact that you talked about pressing matters in your relationship in the journal that you didn't take up with her, and this put the center of attention on you, not her. Perhaps this is a form of control, but I think for Lori it's deeper than that in that she wants the attention on her, not anyone or anything else.

Tuesday March 9

Well, I think that we have gathered enough in the way of information to begin closure. I believe that there is no other choice because of the facts as we know it:

• Lori ended our friendship abruptly on February 22nd.
• Lori is looking or has found a new mate.
• I have been unable to make amends for the past.
• I have outlived my usefulness to Lori.
• I have talked with Lori's ex-husband, which is unforgivable in Lori's eyes.
• All of my actions can be construed as spineless and cowardly.
• Lori was only infatuated with me and that wore off as our relationship took a turn for the worse.
• Lori has treated me badly so that I would get the hint that the relationship was over..
• Lori already has already ended any hope to salvage the relationship in her mind.

What I should really be wondering about is if I can find another babe? I mean, let's face it. I haven't got anything going for me. The real stupid part, and I hate to admit it, is that I have never dated in my life. I have never asked anyone out. I have been on a few dates with women who have asked me out. These events were comedic at best. I do not know what to do on dates. I have no idea what to talk about. I have no idea how to conduct myself. That's probably why I was holding on for so long after the end with Lori. I may never find another babe again. Actually, I shouldn't care. It's not like I really know how to treat a woman. I am not tender and loving. I am not romantic. I am robotic. Remember that I was the guy who wrote the book on the eunuch-like behavior. Perhaps I need to concentrate on a life of service. Guys like The Master and I are just not meant to be in any romantic relationships.

To be continued ... Go to V.4