Note: This version of the journal is not censored or edited according to normal LoserNet guidelines. It is also not formatted for aesthetics. Please do not read this version of the journal if you feel you will become disillusioned. This journal is not a public journal. There are no links to it from LoserNet. If you read this journal, you agree that it was not publicly available and that you are here by invitation alone. Sharing this information violates this right. This information is considered confidential whether there are embellishments or not. Nothing in this journal should be considered fact, nor should the names or places be considered real.

I have decided to end the public journal, at least for the time being. There are just too many events that seem to be clouding the issues. I have not fared well. As I look back, I can see that I have turned into a bitter and resentful man just like Chris. I saw Lori on the express bus today and she seemed to be very happy. She looked beautiful in her long grey dress. I believe that Neal (niall@allover.com) said, "The best revenge is to live well." It is Lori who is living well. She is enjoying her life. It is I who wants to believe that she is miserable. The whole point of the private journal seems to be a rationalization that she is evil and I have been wronged. Perhaps that is so. The reason is simple. I am the one who is miserable. Lori has certainly proven that she does not need me. Her continued efforts to ignore me are her way of proving this to me. Sometimes I feel as though I am being punished. Living with moms just seems to increase my private hell.

The kitty in the park disappeared sometime after March 18th. Perhaps it's only coincidence that so many significant events fell during this particular time. Lori once said that the kitty was "a gift to us." Perhaps she was right. I will miss my nightly walks to the park to feed the kitty.

Wednesday April 7, 1999

I made one last attempt to find the kitty but I was unsuccessful. I threw out the Western Family cat food. I don't want anything around to remind me of the poor kitty. Of course, the frosting on the cake was to find out that Anonder's Journal has also gone the way of the competitor's journal. Yet another Web journal bites the dust. That is one reason why I have discontinued the public journal. The other reason is fairly obvious. Will there be a time that the public journal will return? I honestly don't know.

I am still perplexed about the whole situation. Two questions stand out from the rest. Why did Lori have to go into such a big production to end our relationship? Why couldn't she just handle it in a civilized manner? Instead of all the drama and the theatrics, it would have been a lot easier to have calmly said, "Lavahead, I don't think that we are really compatible anymore. I want someone who is rich and who will pamper me and let me spend all his money on me. I want a man who will let me date and party with other guys while he slaves away at work to support and pamper me." It would have saved us all of this trouble. I have heard the rationale about how babes are irrational. I can buy that story to a certain point. You have read about this whole debacle in detail. Can you see my point? The "silent treatment" is, as I said earlier, an attempt to show me a thing or two. It's a form of punishment and possibly control. She believes that I desperately want to be friends with her. [That has since changed.] She is probably trying to exert an element of control over me. In essence, she still does have some kind of sick grip on me because I discontinued the public journal and I am still writing about her in the private journal.

The matter of the public journal is troublesome. I didn't actually want to end the public journal but it was dying a slow death because I did not want to provide a conduit of information for Lori. I don't really know whether she still reads it or not. Frankly, I can't see why she would. I have now torn down the whole LoserNet empire just to insure that Lori is weaned of it. Of course, if she is still reading the journal, will she try to obtain access to the "journal of the mind"?

Thursday April 8

I may actually link the private journal back into the public journal whenever the material becomes innocuous enough. As you know, there are no backward links in the private journal. It's a strange situation. Once you have read the private journal, how can you go back to the old stuff? I mean, after reading about the level of debauchery that was involved, how can we turn back the hands of time to a more innocent era?

I haven't been able to sleep for days. I toss and turn all night long. Perhaps that is why I've been so testy lately. I hope that it hasn't affected my better judgment. I have been spooked by all of this. The problem is not that I want Lori back. I just cannot get over how I've been duped for almost three years. I know that I sound a little naïve. You have to understand that I traveled back and forth from Oregon and Cali a number of times and I shuttled between Hawai'i and Oregon as well. My investment in time and effort was not minimal. I would not have done that for just any ol' babe. Overall, it's still spooky and I just cannot articulate my feelings. I guess that I have to be thankful that Lori was not like the babe in Fatal Attraction. That still is little consolation.

As I stood in line at Burger King, I anticipated devouring a delicious Whopper, my way. I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around and there was Lori standing there. "You are forgiven," she said. She turned to walk away. I grabbed her hand to stop her and asked what she meant by that. "That's all I have to say," she replied. She tore herself away from me. I followed her out the door and asked her again about what she meant. With tears in her eyes, she explained, "When you called my ex-husband ... it doesn't matter who actually pushed the buttons on the phone ... and told him that you were watching over Stephanie because you were concerned about her welfare, that resulted in my child sitting through a two-hour deposition with an attorney." I don't think that Lori understands that it was her own doing that brought about this sequence of events. Steph had already told her father that she was being left home alone a lot. Lori had been doing that since December at the least. Does she really think that it was news to Chris in February? The dramatics are also making me skeptical. I assume that Lori is either trying to regain control over me (as Paul had warned) or I have something she needs (as Chris had warned). In any case, I have to be very wary because she is up to something. Coincidentally, this came about just one day after I discontinued the public journal. The situation is too spooky to fathom.

As a side note, I have no idea why Lori wants to hold onto her daughter except that she retains power over Chris by doing so. Chris has been more than willing to continue paying child support to Lori for another year even if Steph were to move to Oregon this Summer and stay there. I believe him because he paid child support to Lori for the six months she was here in Hawai'i without Steph. That's right. Chris took care of Steph while Lori and I were trying to get settled here in Hawai'i. We were both living in moms' house at the time. I'm not exactly convinced by any of Lori's theatrics. She sure didn't seem broken-hearted when Steph was gone for Spring Break. That was party time for Lori. The more I think about it, the more I know that she is up to something.

The situation is starting to get comical except that I'm not laughing. After teaching my night class, I ended up with Bruce at Mango's, another sleazy bar downtown. No, that's not the same bar as The Bull's old hangout in Convalescent City. Can I get a witness?

Friday April 9

Sometimes a journal is just a roadmap to insanity, or that's how I feel. I have covered everything I possibly could about a crazy situation ad nauseam. The emotional commitment has been too much for me. I will update any pertinent details as they occur. Maybe I'll wax philosophic from time to time. I have covered the demise of my very strange relationship in detail. Perhaps one day you will have a similar experience and you can refer to this journal to compare the similarities. That's about all it's worth. In the meantime, I have been sickened by the debauchery and I have become more callous as a result. In time, that damage can be undone.

One of my Chaminade students, Christine, said that she had a dream about me. The dream went like this ... she and her friend Tanya were selling cookies as a fund-raiser for a club. They had asked me if I wanted buy some cookies and I told them to meet me at my place. When they arrived, they discovered that I lived on a huge yacht. I owned two Chihuahuas. They were growling ferociously at Christine. Later, we all ended up sitting around the boat. Christine said that I should take her dream seriously because sometimes they have meaning. Déjà vu, she said. In the meantime, I think Mango's is calling.

Actually, I went over to the bar and grill, Café Ché Pasta, that Lori and Alexis usually go to. I felt like a real minority in there. It is a predominantly haole (Caucasian) joint. It is the PowerBar (no pun intended). That's where all the big wheels go for a brewski. The owner is some chromedome pud named Mike. That's the guy who gave Lori the lead about her present job. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that he may have been the guy to set up Lori with all her dating prospects like Balding Bill. Of course, no one gave me the time of day in there. I could have destroyed that place with my bare hands. I went to the gym afterward and pressed the whole stack on each machine I used. I may actually apply the sleeper hold on Mike and pop his puny head off like it was a zit the next chance I get. After the gym, I went to Mango's for a brewski. That's more my kind of place. It's a sleazy dive but many university types hang out in there as well.

Saturday April 10

Life is Hawai'i ... a dream yet a nightmare. My life is kind of a cheesy soap opera. In the case of the Burger King encounter with Lori, it was definitely something out of Melrose Place. The hand on the shoulder. The single statement. The quick exit. My grabbing her hand to stop her. Then, following her out. The tearful explanation. Walking off. I played into her performance. I should have looked around for Francis Ford Copolla.

With my shades on, I was able to discretely discern that she was not wearing an engagement ring. So, Chris' prediction has not come true yet. I have not seen or heard from Lori since the Burger King encounter. I believe that there will be more scenes to this living screenplay in due time. Insofar as what I can tell, Chris has not mentioned anything to Lori about my discussions with him. The single statement that Lori made about my calling Chris was coincident with my discussion with Lavinya. Lavinya, who claimed to not be involved, did find it surprising that I was not the one to call Chris. "I was under the impression that you called him," she told me about a month ago. This, of course, explains the reference to "who pushed the buttons on the phone."

If a custody battle ensues, I will not be involved. There is little I can substantiate. Chris will have to prove his claims himself so he needs a statement from his daughter (which he appears to have gotten) and other substantiation. Steph's school can certainly provide some corroboration because of Steph's disciplinary and academic problems. In the meantime, Chris would have to hire a private detective to keep an eye on Lori and document the neglect. Lori can't blame me for this. She flirted dangerously close with disaster. The only hindrance for Chris is that his legal fees will be exorbitant. He was banking on Lori's new relationship with Balding Bill to be in full swing before Summer, and that Lori would willingly give up Steph after that.

The level of neglect on Lori's part can be further substantiated. With all of the child support and big bank that Lori makes, she has yet to buy a decent bed or dresser for her daughter. Lavinya donated a used mattress (less box spring and frame) to Lori. Steph sleeps on that on the floor. She uses a decrepit bookshelf as her dresser. Lori has a decent bed but it was also donated and it doesn't have a frame. The box spring lies on the floor. She has a beat up dresser that came with the place. Lori absolutely refuses to spend very much of the child support money on her daughter because she claims that Steph is "too spoiled as it is."

Some of you may have been worried that I will fall into the trap again, what with Lori forgiving me and all. I don't think that she ever intends to be in a relationship with me again. I seriously believe that she wants to marry Balding Bill. In any case, I made the vow that I will never consider reconciling with Lori. Even in friendship, I will maintain a very safe distance. Even though I have been "forgiven," I will not be running over there or calling her on the phone. The ball is in Lori's court and it will remain there for a long time. Frankly, I thought that she had moved on already. Maybe she has. Maybe forgiving me was her way of finally saying goodbye.

The damned computer decided to toy with the oversized cranium today. I have no idea what happened but I lost my socket services for Dial-Up Networking (DUN). I could dial up my ISP but none of my applications (browser, FTP, etc.) could connect to anything. I tried to re-install DUN. Of course, that did nothing except to finally cause Windows 95 to crash permanently. So, I spent a fun day, about nine hours, installing the operating system, drivers, and some of the software. I lost most of my files since I did not have enough floppies to copy them to. So much for my extensive hurdy-gurdy collection. I consumed a massive amount of fire water as I sat at the computer. It did little to sedate me. I have decided to leave a lot of stuff off of the computer because it's bound to crash again. I had to install an archaic copy of Netscape in order to use Composer to produce the private journal. I have to download the updates again. With my fast 14.4K modem, I can expect to sit at the computer for two hours. You know, with this kind of fun, it's easy to see why I am losin' it.

Sunday April 11

Time is really flying now. I am merely playing catch-up. I still have no plans for Summer yet. I really don't want to spend my two months of unemployment here. I may go through another time of reckoning. And, I'd probably have more strange encounters with Lori. Who needs that? I'm finding that life is just not that simple. We must always struggle and compete for limited resources. Jobs. Babes. Dough. Same thing. At the other end of the spectrum is insanity. I observe with much fascination the large population of insane who hang out along Fort Street daily. Sometimes I can't help but listen to their diatribe as they talk to themselves and their imaginary friends while sitting at a table across from me in Bishop Square. Many of the insane are extremely comical. They could pass as comedians. Their comedic talents, I'm afraid, were only enhanced by the onset of psychosis. In time, I, too, will be funny.

I have opted to go to Barnes & Noble on Friday and Saturday nights if I can. I take my beloved yet decrepit notebook computer with me. I find it to be somewhat of a consolation to a real life. It's better than sitting in the kitchen and downloading hurdy-gurdies. Sometimes just being around people helps to combat loneliness. I don't run the risk of running into Lori either. She is usually out on dates on those nights. I'll probably do things like this for the rest of my life instead of dating. I'm not comfortable asking babes out and I'm not much company either. And besides, dating costs too much money. I'd rather save my limited resources for my trips back to Cali. The concept of dating is foolish. Only rich, balding pilots can afford to take babes out. Perhaps that is why I see so many single guys. The losers. There are probably more people out there like The Master than I can count. I can't say that I blame them. The Master offered some persuasive points in defense of the hermit lifestyle. Heck, I was a monk for a long time.

I don't know why we are compelled to be in relationships. I once discussed this matter in the public journal, attributing it mostly to biology. That led to my premise of "mind over matter." I don't believe that it's unnatural to fight the biological urges. Sometimes it's best. Paul once mentioned that we live in the time of serial monogamy. I have to agree with him. People go through relationships like there's no tomorrow, one after the other. It perplexes people like The Master and I, the losers who can't even find babes who will even talk to us. "You have to know your place in life," The Master once counseled me. I have taken those words to heart.

As I downloaded my software updates, I reflected on this time. The kitty is gone. My favorite Web journals are gone. My e-mail and address book are gone, thanks to that pathetic Windows 95. All I have left to do is choke the chicken. For me, a fulfilled life is one where I can enjoy simplicity without opulence or materialism. I like to spend time with friends and with a significant other. That has always meant a lot to me. I mistakenly thought that Lori enjoyed the time we spent together. As it turned out, she was merely biding her time, hoping that we would become rich and famous. Then, we would live a life of opulence. She was going stir crazy spending idle time with me. I was fooled into believing that I had found a mate who just enjoyed being with me. It was too good to be true, as the old adage goes.

In this life, there is no justice. No karma. No bad voodoo. People like Lori will continue to inch their way up the food chain and leave destruction in their wake. Sometimes they crash and burn. In most cases, they make it to where they want to be. In that respect, maybe Lori's conscience was stirred and she realized that she had to deal with closure. Her token gesture of forgiveness will release her from guilt. Now, everything is even, or so she thinks.

Monday April 12

I have really come to miss the public journal. No matter how bad things got, it was easy to present the events of my life in a neutral light. I became wrapped up in the private journal because everything came apart at the seams. Yet, I am not ready to release the private journal to the general public. I doubt that many of the people who visited LoserNet are ready for the real story. So, for the time being or at least until I am sure that Lori is completely weaned of the public journal, I will also include many of the usual public journal fare in here just as a matter of habit.

I have discovered what may be the answer to the odd incident at Burger King on Thursday. I found a copy of the long note I sent to Lori just before I left for Cali last month. I had sent her flowers and tried to see if she would meet with me. All I wanted was for us to bury the hatchet. After all, that was a special moment in time. We had met three years ago on that day. The note was pretty much a summary of what was in the beginning of a previous volume of the private journal (see V.5). In closing the note, I wrote:

Please take care of yourself, Lori. No matter what you think, know that I am truly concerned about you. I miss your company, your input, your presence. I miss your friendship. I hope that in time you will learn to forgive me and discover that I was never up to no good.

Lori's friend Anne was on the same express bus with me. We talked for most of the trip home. Of course, I was more talkative than usual because I had just been at Mango's with Bruce. Good ol' fire water. Sometimes I really love the life of a wannabe university professor. Anne chattered on about her job and her recent stint as a jury foreperson. She said that she had lunch with Lori last Friday. Apparently Lori does not confide in her much. Too bad. Anne seems to be a fairly mature person since she is in Lori's age group. Lori, however, seems more comfortable around younger people, seemingly because they are gullible and willing to listen to her advice.

Tuesday April 13

I have heard from Anonder. His journal is alive and well. He also verified that his tips for journal writers was primarily based on the problems I encountered with the public journal. Well, if he reads the private journal, he'll be able to see that many of the problems that he predicted were right on target.

Annie e-mailed me a comment concerning the puzzling encounter with Lori at Burger King last week. She wrote:

Well, I was thinking about the "you are forgiven" incident. Geez, how Melrose Place, as you said. (I watched that show for a season, until it became unbearably wearisome.) But I was wonder why. Why would she seek you out just to have a stupid one-phrase pseudo-dramatic encounter? If she were a normal woman, I would guess that it wold be to provide you with a cue to persue her again. That seems likely to be true. But why? I think maybe Bill (Its just not fair to make fun of a guy over soemthing he can't help) may have dropped her like a bad habit. Unexpectedly. Left her without a safety net. So you were in the fallback position. This is just speculation on my part.

I ate lunch at Burger King again today. I reflected on my encounter with Lori here last week. I had been standing in line for several minutes before Lori had approached me. The place was moderately crowded. Lori had a drink in her hand but it was not from Burger King. She never eats at any place along Fort Street Mall. So, it was a little peculiar to see her there. The only time she walks around in this area is when she goes to the Love's Bakery Thrift Store. I am tempted to believe that she had planned this encounter. I am surprised that she could see me by chance standing in a crowd of people at Burger King. "You are forgiven," she told me. Not "I forgive you." That sounded more like she was granting me forgiveness based upon some authority from a higher source. Her arrogance is showing once again. I don't doubt that she feels no remorse over the hell she put me through. Yet, why go through the theatrics for this brief encounter? I have not heard a word from her ever since.

I have too much time to think. There has not been much quality of thought on my part either. I have not even been motivated to seek knowledge of any kind. I have become a god to myself whereby my own words have become my laws to live by. I have become a curbside philosopher. A Burger King soothsayer. My worth is determined only by the amount I spend on consumables. And, yes, my expenditures have increased with the acquisition of an auto-teller (ATM) card. It's not like I make a lot of dough. I have been sucked into the vortex of the downtown promenade of decadent consumption. I should know it well. I first saw it in Lori. There is so little value in what I say or do. It is all an endless bunch of repetitive garbage. Frankly, I don't know what I want to do. I don't know where I want to go. I see the same in many of the people of Hawai'i. The locals. Caught in a useless decay of mind and body. Thinking in terms of the grass shack economy. It's always holo holo time. There's nothing wrong with that, I suppose. The only problem is that I have been exposed to the mainland style of thinking. I know enough to be dangerous to myself. I see that I want more but I continue to holo holo. I can be more than I am, but the local boy inside me says, "No can do, braddah, so just holo holo." That's probably why I am attracted to babes like Lori and why they may be attracted to me. I need an assertive babe to push me to the limit. Push the envelope. Challenge me. Betray me. It's the pinnacle of passion. It's decadent consumption.

Wednesday April 14

As I stood at the bus stop yesterday, I noticed that just a few feet away Lori and Ann were talking. Lori was apparently on her way to the gym when she saw Ann at the bus stop. I got on the express bus as they were still chatting. They were oblivious to me, thank goodness. I watched Lori as the bus pulled away. She had on a bright red dress. I suppose that it matches her persona in several respects.

I have to get my life back together, so I must continue where I left off before I was disrupted by the situation with Lori. I have been giving everything a lot of thought. I have several limited options but I don't know which I will exercise. Personal happiness and quality of life are the big issues. Big bank is secondary. Sometimes I lose track of my objectives. I can't see the big picture. I have an idea that I need a lot of dough to be able to gain freedom. I have probably inherited this flawed premise from Lori. What I have to do is to figure out how much dough I need to retire and maintain a good lifestyle. It is greed that will be my undoing. In any case, one can never make enough dough. That's the basic premise that should be remembered. Thus, other adjustments must be made. My problem is that I want to be done with the loan payments. I don't want to be paying out any more dough, and certainly not for the next ten years. Fortunately, I expect to get a tax return of about $700 or so. The only reason I'll get this much back is because I made so little money last year. How much longer can I go on like this?

As I was sitting in Bishop Square reading the Good Book, I didn't notice that one of my former students Karen sat at my table. "Mind if I sit here?" she asked. We talked for about an hour about stuff like roommates, life, relationships, drugs and alcohol, and all that other great student stuff. We also had an interesting discussion about how people never really seem to get close anymore. I guess she feels a little alienated. I feel the same way. We meet a lot of people in life but it's always so transient. I haven't had a nice discussion like that in a while. It made my day.

Well, I happened to be at Loco Moco having dinner tonight when Lori and Steph came in. They both ignored me and sat at another table. So, I let it be. The whole idea of forgiveness does not make sense to me at this point in time. Since Steph has now decided to side with her mom, what can I say? The only real problem I have with all of this is Lori's self-righteous attitude. She believes that she is justified in what she's doing. Further, she must believe that she was blessed with so many rewards because she was in the right. She is making big bank and she's going to marry a rich, balding pilot. As I've said, there is no justice. I hope that she pays the price for her actions one day.

Thursday April 15

I have not given in or succumbed to Lori's feeble attempts to bring me under her control again. Paul was absolutely correct in his supposition. I have looked inward and I can truthfully say that I have no feelings for Lori anymore. The Lori who I was in love with was either a personage of Lori's multiple personalities or a figment of my imagination. I'm afraid that Chris was right all along. Now I have no reason to doubt any of his testimony (see V.1). One thing that really annoys me is Lori's greed. I realized yesterday that Lori has had no reason to give me crap about my finances. Chris pretty much supported her for several years after their divorce. He bought her three different cars during their marriage. [Since the last car was a 1990 Toyota, I have to assume that they were still married in the early part of 1990. Therefore, they were still married when Lori was doing the Portland Mayor's Ball. Neal's premise that she was competing with Chris has a very high probability of being true.]

In the early stages of our breakup, Lori was constantly needling me about my alleged stinginess. She acted shocked that I had any savings at all when she knew damned well that I always kept a small amount. I noticed, too, that she was always talking about credit cards. She wanted a credit card badly but, because of the problem with the IRS, she was unable to secure one. As I recall, while Lori was throwing stuff out in Oregon (before moving to Hawai'i), I happened to notice that, on her bank statements, the account was a joint one with Lance. His real name was Clarence. In my case, I did not follow Lori's hints too well. I kept all my finances separate from her. I assume that Lori expected me to consolidate my accounts with her accounts and also add her name to my credit cards. I would have done that had we been married. In retrospect, I believe that Lori was upset that I did not do so when we became engaged, which hammered the final nail in the coffin of our relationship. If I was to guess, I believe that Lance made it out with just the shirt on his back. He was probably going bankrupt living with Lori and his affair was the only way to break the engagement off. It makes a lot of sense. I did manage to tell Lori a long time ago that moms has the house under a living trust. My bro and I are the only ones named in the will. The property averages about $325,000 for now. My share of the inheritance would be half that sum. When Lori came here, she probably realized that moms was going to be around a lot longer than just two or three years. That's too long to wait for small change. Balding Bill makes that much in a year. And, she will make that much in about two years. That's why she had to move on.

Further, for as much as Lori hates Chris, she has never changed  back to her maiden name. She also claims to be proud to be Italian yet she wants everyone to call her Lori. There are many puzzling contradictions about Lori. She is not who she claims to be. She is deceptive and her primary motivation is money. Men are merely the unwitting tools to gain what she wants. However, she has settled for too many small-timers in the past. She bartered with sex. Yet, why should she "sell [herself] short" any longer? If the same good sex can get her someone more affluent, then why not go for it? She has already proven to herself by her new job that she is worth more than, say, a poor bastard like myself. Why shell out good sex for just pennies on the dollar? In January, Lori explained to me why we stopped having sex. "I felt like I was just servicing you," she said. She's right. She was. Only thing, she was getting nothing she wanted in return and it was not a matter of affection as she claimed. When I asked her to be specific, she said that she "couldn't articulate those feelings." However, she felt obligated to "service" me during the trip to Maui most likely because it was an expensive trip. With Lori, you get what you pay for.

Finally, the once puzzling matter of Steph's importance to Lori has also come to me. The reason for these revelations ... the "silent treatment." Not the "silent treatment" per se but the lack of any rationale behind it. It just made no sense until I put it all into perspective. As I detached myself emotionally from Lori, I was able to see things much clearer. I have mentioned several other possible reasons but one now stands out from the rest. Steph is a prop. She is necessary for Lori to carry on the façade of a "single mom." Not only does it bring on sympathy, it also creates an aura of trust. How could you not trust a "single mom" struggling to make ends meet for both her and her daughter? It defuses any skepticism. And, it's not "politically correct" to question the integrity of a "single mom." To potential suitors, it represents an image of stability and responsibility. Lori needs Steph to carry on the ruse. I fell for it even though the red flags kept popping up. When I intervened in the situation with Steph, I posed a serious threat to Lori. My meddling could have removed the most important prop in Lori's arsenal.

Why am I bad-mouthing Lori? I'm not. I just want to know why I have had to put up with three months of yelling, cussing, false accusations, and threats. Then, I was given the "silent treatment" for two months. Suddenly, Lori appears and forgives me but it's back to the "silent treatment" again. Lori gives femininity a bad rap. I doubt that there are many women who would defend her actions. I used to think that she needed help because of her past. Not so anymore. I believe that she has been choreographing everything in a sinister fashion. She has done this all of her life. Lori is not a poor, neglected child who needs help. I have no idea who she is.

Friday April 16

Being free of emotional involvement with Lori has enabled me to see the light. I just didn't want to accept that Lori was really the kind of person that she was. There's too much to indicate otherwise, I'm afraid. Alas, that is the story as we know it. Pretty long and crazy, eh? I know, I had to live it. Some would argue that I have been deceptive by keeping this journal. I will argue otherwise. I have been careful to release it only to long time associates. It is probably on the same level as the conversations that Lori has had with her friends concerning me. You know that her friends have heard what the bad ol' puddy tat did. Have they heard the whole story? I think not. I have tried to present the whole story within my recollection of what's been said. There's a lot of conjecture but I don't believe I'm far off from the truth. Lori behavior seems to validate that. She will never put herself in a position where she will have to reveal the truth to me anyway. What does that tell you?

Will I ever hear from Lori again? Who knows? Maybe after the dust settles but that could be decades. If she marries Balding Bill, she will absolutely avoid running into me. That, in and of itself, is an admission of her true motivation. Yes, I know too much. I couldn't be controlled and manipulated any longer. Now, she is afraid. She used intimidation, guilt, and deception to coerce me to edit the public journals. That only made me seek the real truth. The private journal is what she fears because it possibly unveils her dark secrets. She doesn't know how to force it out into the open. The fact that it's there, somewhere, haunts her. But, she had to make absolutely sure. That's the basis of the Burger King encounter. She choreographed it to be such a puzzling incident that she truly knew I would not be able to contain myself. I would have to put it in the journal. Yet, it never appeared in the public journal. That only meant one thing. The "journal of the mind" really exists. She now has two choices. Forget the whole thing and move on. Or, try to smoke it out of hiding. Which will she choose?

This whole life is a game to Lori. Everything is a challenge. Everyone is a challenger. She competes where there is no competition. The trouble is she tries to change the rules in the middle of the game. She wants to win at any cost. She takes no prisoners. It's search and destroy all the way. She will use any ploy to weaken her opponent. She preys on weakness and capitalizes on it. Another's weakness is her strength. That's the way she likes to play. In the beginning, Lori knew from reading the public journal that my citadel would become a house of cards if she could locate the weak point. I spent much time discussing my monk lifestyle and how I perfected the eunuch-like behavior to protect myself from the wily ways of babes. I provided examples of how I remained steadfast in that respect (i.e., chaste). Sex would be my undoing. When my defenses fell, I was completely vulnerable. The private journal may now be the thorn in her side. It's another challenge from an opponent she knows well. Perhaps I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. Only time will tell.

Frankly, I want her to go away. I want her to continue to ignore me and act like she doesn't know me. That's the best thing for the both of us. She has proven that she could never be a real friend to me. I can only be a friend if I am subservient and I have something she wants. In the private journal, you have seen me vascillate on how I felt about Lori. I tried hard to fight what I already knew. So, it's time to let this matter rest. We can only pray that it's finally over.

There are now seven complete volumes that detail this debacle. They will remain in the archives. Maybe I'll spend the Summer writing that novel I've been talking about based on this story. In the meantime, I'll write a journal that more closely resembles the public journal. It will remain a private journal until I feel it is safe to resume the public journal. I'll probably transfer the archives to the public journal sans the last seven volumes. If things start getting crazy again, look for updates in the private journal (see V.8+).

Questions for Review:

• What was Lori's purpose for the brief but pseudo-dramatic encounter at Burger King?
• Given the continued "silent treatment," does it seem likely that Lori has really forgiven me?
• How plausible does the final version (since last set of review questions) of this story sound? Do you believe it?

To be continued ... Go to V.8 for updates.