Note: This version of the journal is not censored or edited according to normal LoserNet guidelines. It is also not formatted for aesthetics. Please do not read this version of the journal if you feel you will become disillusioned. This journal is not a public journal. There are no links to it from LoserNet. If you read this journal, you agree that it was not publicly available and that you are here by invitation alone. Sharing this information violates this right. This information is considered confidential whether there are embellishments or not. Nothing in this journal should be considered fact, nor should the names or places be considered real.

For the time being, it seems that the whole situation has come to an end. There is no logical way to deduce that there was actually an end because nothing seems to suggest finality. Kirk (kblum@jps.net) commented:

It is obvious that Lori was attempting to ease her own consious, or sense of guilt, or whatever her internal morals set has for that function. It was an answer to your plea to be forgiven sent with the flowers- another example of her "if you give, you get" way of operating. She "owed" you for the flowers and is now paid up in her value system. Nothing more...

No, you really have not been forgiven, but I'd bet you have been quite forgotten- she has moved on to bigger "game" (read that boys with $$$).

Friday April 23

It has been over two weeks since the strange encounter at Burger King. Aside from the non-existent encounter at Loco Moco last week, I have not heard a word from Lori. I have no idea what is going on. The private journals have been locked out by my Mickey Mouse security system. I have invited more readers but most of them will only end up at Regular One. However, someone has already hacked into the private journal. I suspect that it may be the mole. If that is the case, one must wonder why anyone would go through such lengths just to read the stupid journal. In a way, I am providing the temptation, the carrot, as it were. What is my motivation? To test my Mickey Mouse security? To ferret out the mole? Who is this nefarious mole and why is she helping Lori? Perhaps there is a movement to punish the bad ol' puddy tat. Paranoia aside, there is no solid evidence to suggest that the mole does indeed exist. There is also no evidence that Lori is still interested in the journal. If anyone has hacked the private journal, it was probably out of curiosity. Still, the whole situation defies any logic.

Understanding Life

In the final days of this debacle as we know it, I should at least convey that I have come to a new understanding of the game of life as I know it. I have not acquired any new knowledge per se. I have just been through another experience that has, in some way, affected my perception of my own existence. If you have read through all of this, you may have learned a few things as well. That is the purpose of this archive. Human frailty. The fragile nature of human relationships. The bad side of life.

Some people have come to interpret the private journal as my indirect confession of immaturity. That I only find sex to be the redeeming factor in a relationship. That is not true. I began to write this journal during the sexual withdrawal period of mourning. It was the hardest thing to go through because of the sheer power of the biological forces behind it all. As that went on the wane, I began to look at many other aspects of what went awry. Conjecture mixed with fact was an essential process to at least make some sense of what made no sense. Since Lori has never made any real attempt to convey the real truth, I had no other option. Frankly, I think that you will come to the same conclusions. The so-called reasons that Lori offered were feeble. It was just a thinly-veiled excuse to move on and find a rich guy. Of course, the immaturity of the "silent treatment" continues but there is no reason for it. As I've said before, if I found another babe, I wouldn't care what Lori did and the "silent treatment" would be a waste of my time. One would think that, since she has it goin' on now, she could at least be civil. Who is to say?

Perhaps this is a bit premature, but I would like to thank all invited readers for participating in this painful experience with me. Your continued support and feedback have been the sole impetus for me to continue on with some faith that everything will be fine. My feeble intuition tells me that the debacle is not over yet. However, I am no longer playing into the mind games. Many thanks to all from the bad ol' puddy tat!

Sunday April 25

I'm not exactly sure what to do anymore. I have a few ideas about what I may want to do, but I cannot include those ideas in Regular One. I still have no idea what I'm going to do for the Summer. I checked on some airfare and it's pretty steep so I may not be going anywhere. Lord knows, I need to get away from here. I also have to decide what to do with my life. I have a few options. I can:

• Look for a wage slave job on the mainland
• Apply to a Ph.D. program on the mainland
• Stay here, select one of the above, and lose my mind

Incidentally, here's an interesting piece of e-mail I received from Tiina:

Subject: We must not dwell/On love that is past
Date: Thu, 22 Apr 1999 11:36:43 +0300
From: Tiina (tiina@uiah.fi)

Hi T,

First, thanks for letting me read the journal. It started to make sense again. And donât worry, nothing you write will shock or offend me; if it did, it would be my problem, not yours. It took a while to read it all through. At first I felt that it escalated into some sort of a disturbing mental vomiting, but having finished reading it I realized that it was necessary for you to get it all out. But Iâm still left with a lot of questions and conjectures as to what exactly did happen. Feel free to correct me if go too far in my feeble attempts to understand this.

First of all, I never understood until now why you kept trying to mend the relationship with Lori. To me it seemed that all you did was dispute over so many things, and that you were incompatible to say the least. To me she seemed like a woman who would eat you alive. I never would have bothered to put so much effort into hanging on. But obviously she knew how to play on your male ego: a beautiful woman who turns menâs looks, who brought you back among the living with passionate sex, who kept you by the balls. And if thatâs the only thing youâre looking for in a woman, then I guess you lost something here. I just think that you deserve better.

I donât know why it took so long for the relationship to come to a conclusion. And itâs sad that it ended without a closure, that sheâs unwilling to talk about it or explain her reasons. There still seems to be some tension in the air with you and her bumping into each other ever so often. I wonder why she doesnât want to move into the mainland again? At least that way it would be easier to put it all behind for good. I can see that youâre still trying to see her and maybe get an explanation, or even wish for a reconciliation although you claim otherwise. I donât think thereâs anything you can do about it other than moving on and gradually forgetting.

I canât say much about Loriâs behavior because I know her only by your description, but it certainly doesnât sound mature. I would steer clear of people like her. She seems incapable of self-analysis. Hasnât life taught her anything? I know someone who reminds me of her: someone not tuned in to see the true self of another person, caught up in her own unyielding misconceptions, unwilling to discuss rationally, attacking you with outrageous lies and false accusations whenever you try to reason with her. Youâre just left wondering why that anger and rage and lies are hurled at you when there is no cause for it. Thereâs really nothing to do but let that person continue to hold on to her beliefs if normal communication is not possible. I would not take the role of a shrink and try to make her see her erroneous ways, that is not my place, especially if she refuses any efforts for help and support. And it hovers on the unethical to discuss someoneâs shortcomings with third parties, even if it would feel justified. I feel that everybodyâs uniqueness needs to be respected, faults and all.

Having said that, letâs get back to her. I donât quite understand what she has forgiven you? That you talked to her ex and discussed her without her presence? Is she angry at you for discussing her private affairs in the journal without her consent? Mentioning the touchy subjects of her former relationships, her surgery, her salary, etc.? Well, those are pretty intimate details to be just offhandedly put in a public journal for a circle of people to discuss without her taking part in that discussion and without being able to defend herself. Although she knew what she was getting into when she started to hang out with you, when she was attracted by your babe magnet, the journal, and for all I know she might have been thrilled with the äfameä of being part of someoneâs literary efforts, could it be that you crossed a line here, that you werenât being sensitive to her wishes regarding the journal entries? There seems to be a curious lack of understanding between you two. I donât see how you manage to communicate, or what you wish to gain from a person who is not truthful, who seems to put more value into material possessions than human warmth and understanding, who cannot deal with her problems or to see those of people close to her, who seems to lack a certain level of philosophical, artistic or humorous perspective that is needed in life?

As you said, Lori needs some rich man to support her lifestyle, someone who doesnât ask too many questions, and doesnât see too deeply. To answer at least one of your questions, could it be that the Burger King episode was just one of the highlight performances in her dramatic repertoire? As to the silent treatment, itâs immature, not fair to you, but maybe youâll be able to talk about this sometimes later when enough time has passed? Now it just seems that sheâs still trying to toy with you, to see to what lengths you are willing to go to in your efforts to torture yourself for her sake. Give up the lost cause.

You need to divert your attention to the world outside of yourself now. Youâre causing unnecessary pain for yourself in trying to dissect a failed relationship. Donât compare yourself to others. I hope you donât feel a need to look up to or set as a standard someone who publicly indulges in his personal sexual fantasies, describes in detail how he fucks women till theyâre blue and thinks that endless descriptions of him jerking off make for interesting reading. There are plenty of good women out there, just look around closely. This time youâll probably know better what youâre looking for. Put your anger and pain into writing something totally different. Maybe you need to shut down the site for a while. You might want to find a place of your own until you move back to Cali. Start living the bachelorâs life, be the monk professor luring gorgeous young students into your love nest. Just kidding. You need a place where to think things through in privacy and plan out a new life. Stop belittling yourself, continue in your own path, donât give in to outside pressure, maintain your integrity. Take time to think what you really want, set some goals and remember that life is full of possibilities, and itâs short.

Tiina

Tuesday April 27

Another interesting e-mail comes from Ulla (ulla.riihela@kolumbus.fi). She wrote:

While I'm awake here at 0.30 a.m., I thought I'd tell you about a former friend of mine. It's a short story about a woman who wanted a rich guy, a big apartment, VIP-cards, free this and free that. These women exist everywhere, you know.

I met this woman a couple of years ago. For some reason she really wanted to be my friend and now I know the real reason: somehow she had gotten the idea that I was rich and knew 'useful' people. Too bad, I was even unemployed at the time and the people I know are not famous, rich or anything like that. I few of them might seem that way to a woman who is from the northern part of Finland =Lappland and wouldn't even be here in Helsinki if she hadn't followed a film director here ... As if we had many famous film directors here in Finland, ha ha ha. Well, she named herself my friend and for some time we even moved in the same 'circles'. I knew what she was up to all the time, chasing any man with a big bank and a 'good' address. Well well.  About a year ago she suddenly stopped calling me and I didn't really miss her, I have real friends also. Then I ran into her in the local pub (which was sort of 'MY' pub before she invaded it...). She tried to avoid me, but the Evil Ulla in me rose to the surface and I went over to say hello. Finally she had hit the jackpot: she had moved in with a certain guy two years her junior, whose family owns restaurants and bakeries and so on, he has a huge apartment near here. She probably moved in before the poor guy even realized what had happened. Was I surprised? No-o! The funny thing is, this guy is my former classmate from high school! HA! See, if I had been around I would've told the man what I knew of her. So, she didn't need me anywhere near, the further the better. Was I sad? I thought it was hilarious and told her so. Good luck. I have seen her a few times since, she passes by me in the speed of light in the street.

So, you see, they are everywhere. It doesn't make sense, but they are. Even if you're not a millionaire, you had something that a certain person wanted...Or she thought you had. Either way, her loss.

Friday April 30

I saw Lori walking home from Koko Marina last night. She had her gym attire on so she must have gone to the gym earlier. I had a crazy dream last night about Lori. It took place in the old townhouse apartment that Susan and I had lived in. Lori had her gym outfit on and she was leaving to go somewhere with a young stud. She was playing some kind of mind game with me. All I know is that I woke up very fatigued.

Paul called me on my beloved cell  phone today. I was surprised to hear from him. He passed my résumé to his superiors. The firm may be interested in taking me on staff. This may come as a blessing in disguise as I believe that I will no longer be teaching at Chaminade. No one has told me that directly. It's just the way everything is being handled. I am a little apprehensive about making a return to the mainland. However, I need to think about my future. If I am accepted, I can gain further valuable experience that will facilitate my return to Hawai'i. I don't want to ever again contemplate the prospect of working at Burger King.

I called Paul later in the evening and he briefed me a little more about the job situation in Seattle. I also talked about the situation with Lori. Paul firmly believes that most of the conclusions I've drawn in the private journal are fairly accurate. I asked what he thought about my conclusions concerning how she "negotiated" her high salary. He believed that was accurate. He went so far as to say that he believes most of Chris' allegations as well. Although I have not known Paul for a long time, I place a lot of credence in his opinions and for good reason. I am not at liberty to discuss those reasons. I have not heard from Lori since the strange Burger King encounter. I am waiting to see what happens next. If Chris is right, I won't hear from her until she needs something from me. Since her boyfriend is a rich, balding pilot, I doubt that she will need anything from me for a long time.

It's still both a frightening and frustrating experience. I still cannot believe that I've been had. I've been made a chump. A fool. The encounter at Burger King only served to remind me of what a true fool I am. After the pseudo-drama, did Lori return to work and laugh her fool head off? She must be deriving some sense of pleasure from all of this. I asked Paul why she would still have time for this nonsense if she already had another sucker. He assured me that babes like Lori have the time to do that. Or, they'll make time. "The only way it will end is if you don't buy into it," he added. He's absolutely correct.

Friday May 7

I happened to see Lori yesterday when I was walking through Bishop Square. Since we were heading toward each other, she must have felt obligated to say hello. I'm surprised that she even did so considering the "silent treatment" that has been going on since February. A wave of feelings overcame me after I saw her. Mostly I felt despondent. Obviously I'm still in the infancy of the healing process. Lori was dressed in a beige business suit. She is a beautiful woman when she dolls up. Beautiful but deadly. She has sucked the lifeforce out of me and discarded me like a used napkin. I have not and will not cave in to her need for control. I have to stay away from her and avoid any contact whatsoever.

On another note, Steph will be twelve years old this month. Legally, Lori will be able to leave her home alone all she wants when that happens. And, Steph will be leaving for Oregon in the second week of June for most of the Summer. I believe that Lori will end up engaged and/or married by then. It seems to be beyond predictable. In a way, I sense that the "You are forgiven" incident was a precursor to this event. She has "forgiven" me (term used loosely) in order to effect a kind of closure, a release of any duty to me, as it were. Therefore, she can move on with a clear conscience. That's fine with me. Frankly, I wish she would expedite the process and move out of Hawai'i Kai already. I have no idea why she just doesn't tell me the truth. Her friends won't tell me because they want to protect Lori. However, I could tell that Lori was very happy so I know that she has already become involved in a romantic relationship. It's something I sense. Now, if we could just dispense with the cheesy drama.

I think what really bothers me is that Lori has done well for herself no matter how she got there. The ends justified the means, I suppose. She is leading a very successsful life. She dresses like a success because she now has the money to do so. I am still eking along and it shows. She must have a smug sense of justification knowing that I am the one who is suffering. There is no justice. Insofar as the journal is concerned, I believe that is history for Lori as well. I doubt that she could persuade any of her friends to sign up to read the "journal of the mind." After making me out to look like a true villain, I'm sure that no one wants to play into the game of checking up on what the bad ol' puddy tat is doing.

Moms has been suffering from dizzy spells. That kind of stuff always worries me. I remember how Lori always told me that she would take care of moms even if I had to go to the mainland for an extended period of time. What a crock of shit! [Sorry for the expletive] Can you imagine if I even thought I could trust her to keep an eye on moms? Would it be the same as how she takes care of her own daughter? I have no idea why she chose to insult my intelligence..

So far, it sure looks like Chris was telling me like it was. I plan to send him a card to thank him for enlightening me. Otherwise, I would not have known what hit me. He had nothing to gain by making me an ally. Sure, I tried to dismiss his testimony as venon from a disgruntled mate. After four months of the "silent treatment" from Lori, what do you think? Well, if Lori believes that what I wrote about her is bad, then she should check out:

http://sweetrevenge.free-amateur.com/index.html

Saturday May 8

I was heading downtown on the bus this afternoon. Three teenaged girls got on at Koko Marina. I was pretty sure that one of them was Steph. I couldn't be certain even though she sat just about a foot away from me. The articles of clothing looked familiar but I wasn't sure. She never once turned in my direction although the other two girls did, so I suspect that it was her. Steph had also ignored me when I saw her and Lori at Loco Moco a few weeks ago. The pieces seemed to fit.

I decided that I would call Chris and thank him for enlightening me about the whole situation. As a matter of fact, he predicted everything that would happen and it did. Then, he dropped the bomb on me. He said that Steph was moving to Oregon for good on May 10th. [I believe that he meant to say June 10th, when school is over.] He still has to pay Lori the child support payments of $600 for at least one more year. What brought this on? "She must have a new boyfriend or something, and Steph is getting in the way," he said. "She doesn't do anything unless it directly benefits her." So, it's all making sense now. Of course, to all of Lori's friends, I will be the bad guy. If I had not meddled in the situation, Lori would have not lost Steph. As if she really cared. Then, there was the pseudo-drama to invoke some kind of guilt in me. All the while, Lori was laughing to herself. She has used Steph as a prop to disarm and catch Balding Bill. She has everyone sympathizing with her. Chris and I are the collaborating villains. And now, Lori gets an additional $600 spending money per month free and clear. Then, she'll end up marrying the rich, balding pilot. Does this story get dumber and dumber? The worst part is that she will get away with this sleazy behavior. At least I can almost be certain that she will move soon. Thank God for little miracles!

Moms mentioned to me that Lori has attempted to talk with my sister-in-law this week. I'm not sure what the circumstances were. She probably saw my sister-in-law during lunch. My sister-in-law rarely goes to lunch without a friend so she did not get a chance to talk to Lori. I have no idea what Lori was up to but she is up to something. Lori is not exactly fond of my sister-in-law. So, what does she want to talk to her about? I told moms to tell my sister-in-law to avoid Lori at all costs. I surmise that she wants to toy with the already fragile family dynamics that exist. Or, she is going to tell my sister-in-law that the house she is renting is going to be available soon. That sounds more like Lori's modus operandi. She can then indirectly relate the circumstances that are involved (i.e., marriage to Balding Bill) knowing full well that it will get back to me. Deviant behavior under the guise of altruism. The final act of this sordid screenplay is coming soon.

Did I mention that Lori told me she had "negotiated" her six-month review down to three months? That's right. Somehow she "negotiated" the review such that she would be eligible for a salary increase after three months which was this past week. If I'm correct, Lori now makes $52,000 per year or more (see V.6 for the sordid details). The reason all of this is fishy is because I know for a fact that the average salary for her position here in Hawai'i is $35,000 per year. Can you explain the discrepency? Lori is living high on the hog. She has got it made. Not to mention, she is possibly engaged to Balding Bill. If Chris found this out, he'd probably kill himself knowing that he's paying Lori $600 per month for at least another year. Where is the damned justice? How is that fucking bitch getting away with all of this?

Tuesday May 11

Things have gotten totally strange and I am very afraid. As I sat outside at noon talking with my students, I saw Lori walking by. She waved but I chose to ignore her. I pointed her out to a couple of students who know a little about my situation. One of them, Kelvin, said, "You can do better than that." He's probably right.

Later at the gym, Lori came in and started talking to me. I remained a little distant. I found it odd that she was at the gym at 4:20 in the afternoon. We had a somewhat convoluted discussion that had my head spinning in circles. She blames me for the fact that she had to give up her daughter. She began crying (in the middle of the gym) and telling me about how both Steph and I betrayed her and how we had no concern for her while she "was busting [her] ass to put a roof over our heads." I observed that she had no ring on her ring finger. Was the engagement ring removed? She then said that it was okay for us to go on hikes and such again. I told her that the last I knew I wasn't supposed to talk to her ever again. "Don't you remember that I forgave you a few weeks ago?" she asked. Okay. The conversation was beginning to sound vaguely reminiscent of the old days. She said that it would be "a long time before [she] could trust [me] again." My alleged betrayal was responsible for this. Why would she want to go hiking with someone she cannot even trust?

"Well, Lori. I'm no longer a part of your life. I wish you the best. Maybe in a few years, you'll come to trust me again," I said, in conclusion to a fatiguing conversation.

"Don't wait too long. I may not be here," she replied.

I saw Lori's friend Anne on the express bus. We had a nice talk and I actually discussed a little about the situation between Lori and I. She does not know much but she believes that it may be best if Lori and I part company for good. I enjoyed talking with Anne. I now realize that Lori should have relied more on Anne than some of her other friends.

Wednesday May 12

Oddly, I ran into Lori again today right outside the university. We talked for a bit. Apparently, she got laid off at work but she was offered a different position. So, she's now an Account Executive. That is why I have seen her walking around a lot lately. She said that she will remain in Hawai'i but she may have to move to another island, although she was somewhat vague about the details. In actuality, I'm beginning to feel foolish about all this nonsense that I have written. I don't really know what will happen between us, whether we will ever even be friends again. I don't expect to capitulate to her over any control issues. She said that she is still dating a few people so that is good. I really don't know much else. I left the ball in her court. I will not call her or do anything to suggest any vulnerability on my part. I think we all already know what's going on. The predictions are coming true.

Thursday May 13

I saw Lori on the express bus this morning. I took the later bus because I had no commitments until three o' clock. I could hear her from all the way in the back talking to the bus driver. She is an incarnation of Pirsig's Lila. She disrupted my life before and is attempting to do it again. What is her purpose? I can't and won't provide her with money. Why should I? [Remember that I cannot be trusted.] The only other option falls in line with what the sages have said. I have something she wants. Or, she wants to exert control over me. It's simple. I still need to pay for what I've done to her, although I've actually done nothing. She will show me what I can't have (i.e., her) and flaunt herself in front of me. She will try to recapture my dependence on her. Then, she will shut me down. Kick me to da curb. Sure, she can find any guy she wants to. I know so many desperate guys who would kill to have someone who looks like Lori. "You're incapable of giving me the kind of love I need," she said yesterday with tears in her eyes. Pseudo-drama again. It's the same old line, which can be translated to, "I want someone I can control and has a lot of dough." I could easily fall for her again if I choose to succumb. Or, I can sedate myself and resist the temptation. The best part is that she has to call me because I won't be calling. She won't do that. Perhaps another high-paying job will come her way and she will be back to the same old crap. I'll be too far below her status for my paltry existence to even be acknowledged. Well, hey! I'm just a wannabe university professor!

In the end, the private journal serves as fodder but the real truth lays there. I can choose to see it or I can choose to ignore it. Lori will not change. That has been proven by her repetition of the same sorry lines I've heard before. She has learned nothing except to become self-righteous. How do I know? After three months of the "silent treatment," she is back. "Why do you have hostility towards me?" she asked, as if she didn't know. It's a mind game that she denies. It's the game I'm going to play in return. If she comes around too much, I will capitalize on it and get what I want (e.g., the wild thing) and then I will leave at the first sign of trouble. There will be nothing more than that. If I don't get what I want, I won't be around at all. That's what Lori has taught me. It's the "game" that Kelvin and the other guys described. It's a game I didn't want to play. Why does Lori have the time for this nonsense? Shouldn't she be more worried about the daughter she may never see again?

Friday May 14

I almost sound like I fell off my rocker yesterday. Perhaps my anger is not warranted. I just don't like being played like a fiddle. Lori appeared out of the blue and acted like nothing ever happened. Not even an apology. What kind of dream world does she live in?

Bruce and I ended up at Hooter's in the Aloha Tower Marketplace. Yowza! We went back to Mango's right after that. There's no place like home. I am getting tired of this routine with the fire water. Bruce has been trying to persuade me to quit drinking the evil beverage. He has had a lot of medical problems because of his bout with alcoholism. It's not like I don't know better. Also, Paul (from Minnesota) wrote:

If you drink, you are choosing to throw your life away (yes, it is a choice by you).

If you drink, you are playing her game. It is admitting that she could survive the breakup but you could not.

If you drink, she wins. It proves to her that she is better off without you.

Bruce and I ran into Lori on King Street as were walking to the Aloha Tower. We chatted for a few seconds. Lori has not contacted me about any hikes (as she suggested) or anything else for that matter. You know that I'm not calling. What does that imply? Is it a control issue? I am expendable in Lori's scheme of things. Just another disposable commodity. Use me and throw me away. I think that Lori wants to destroy me. Even Barbara warned me a while back, "I think it is over. But never let your guard down. I have met women who are very conniving. Not to get you back but to make you miserable."

I'm not exactly sure but I think that Lori will be moving shortly after her daughter departs for Oregon. I would be very happy if that happens. So, for now, let's assume the countdown to June 30th is on. Six weeks to complete emotional freedom! I don't know if anyone noticed how these events were predicted by the sages with an uncanny level of accuracy. I can no longer doubt the evidence. It is beyond coincidence. I was even more shaken when I realized that I now have the truth. It's locked away with my Mickey Mouse security, but it's there. Truth, my friends. It's the first time I have been exposed to it in three years.

New Twist, Old Story

"The horror. The horror." Remember when Colonel Kurtz kept repeating that in Apocalypse Now. I find myself reciting the same line over and over again just hoping that Sheen will take me out of my misery. Later, I will share my famous short story, Mindsnap, in the journal. You may see the correlation. Will Lori contact me before time's up? I doubt it. I sense that her pride is still as inflated as it ever was. That is how I am finally going to turn the tables on her. Something I should have done way back in October. I was a fool back then. I thought I could win Lori back. She was already long gone. I am not the best lover or the ideal man, but I deserve better than her.

The puzzling question is ... what do I have that she wants? Money? Is it because I stupidly spent a lot of dough on her even after we broke up and she was already dating other guys? Is it the fact that I stupidly tried to give her money to help her when she was unemployed? Let's see now. She made a reference that she may be "living in a cardboard box" at the end of next month because she now works off of commissions. I told her that she should just marry the rich, balding pilot.

Bruce and I hung out on Friday. We ended up talking about booze and drug addiction. Somehow he brought up those bronchial dilators (pressurized inhalers) and how they can be used to get a quick high. That makes sense because the active ingredient is an amphetamine (like cocaine). Then, it dawned on me. When I was in Oregon, Lori had an alleged bout of what seemed at first to be an allergic reaction. She claimed that she couldn't breathe. I thought it was a somatic reaction to stress. After all, I was leaving for Hawai'i within a few days. Perhaps I was flattering myself in thinking that Lori would miss me that much. Kevin (cyclist@flash.net) was there, too. We had to buy one of those bronchial dilators for Lori. I have a feeling that we were conned by an act. In retrospect, I think that Lori wanted to get high. She needed a fix. As I said previously, the pieces all fit together when you take into account the words of the sages. Further, this week's encounter with Lori as well as the Burger King encounter (on April 8th, when I was "forgiven") were all pseudo-dramas of the same genre. Drama and theatrics are Lori's specialty apparently. Her whole life is an act.

I believe that the tirades and irrational behavior that I have witnessed in the last few months are both symptoms of alcohol-induced and substance-induced psychosis. It substantiates testimony about prior alcohol and substance abuse. Thus, when Lori took an extended hiatus from that crap (while we were together), she never experienced those symptoms. However, the irrational behavior was present during the alleged somatic allergic reaction. The psychotic episodes may be what shifted Lori's reality. The patterns of behavior suggest some level of functional cognizance but the lack of consistent behavior seems to indicate that there is a high level of psychopathology involved. And, let's face it. No rational person gives the "silent treatment" to someone for three months.

The deeper we go, the more crap comes out. I do not believe that I am suffering from psychosis. So, what I am gradually coming up with is most likely the truth. As I discover more, I am becoming deeply depressed. And, I am very scared. Lori is very sick. She needs help. When Lori was crying at the gym, she told me that she "lost the two most important people in [her] life." Her daughter and I. Realize that Lori cares very little about her daughter. If I am on the same emotional plane as her daughter, then she cares nothing for me. She does have some motherly attachment to her daughter that will transcend her disdain although she may not be totally aware of it. Therefore, I expect Lori to suffer adverse subconscious reactions when her daughter departs. She will not be able to explain it since she consciously cares little for her daughter. I think Lori senses an impending doom. That is also why she has sought me out. Lori may have experienced love for me at one time. It probably scared her. And, it may also be transcending her conscious disdain for me.

The scary part is that Lori blames me for her having to give up her daughter. She could be attaching to me for another reason. She may be disarming me so I will be unprepared when she exacts her revenge upon me. How plausible is this? Very plausible. Lori's reality may already be askew. Whether Lori actually cared for her daughter or not is inconsequential. Lori believes that she has done everything for her daughter just as she has allegedly claimed that she has done a lot for me. Remember that Lori's scathing e-mail pointed out how she loved me and sent me cards almost daily and baked cookies for me all the time and so forth. Don't be fooled. I can count on both hands the number of cards she sent me in the three years I've known her. Mark my words. Something is going happen. I'm not sure what that will be yet. Maybe she wants to go hiking with me (her suggestion) so she can push me off a cliff. If she feels she has lost everything of value, then she has nothing more to lose. Maybe Lori is correct when she told me that she is not playing a game. She is playing for keeps. I may be in grave danger.

To be continued ... Go to V.9