The Underground Journal V.10
Note: This version of the journal is not censored or edited according to normal LoserNet guidelines. It is also not formatted for aesthetics. Please do not read this version of the journal if you feel you will become disillusioned. This journal is not a public journal. There are no links to it from LoserNet. If you read this journal, you agree that it was not publicly available and that you are here by invitation alone. Sharing this information violates this right. This information is considered confidential whether there are embellishments or not. Nothing in this journal should be considered fact, nor should the names or places be considered real.
Surprise, Surprise

Remember when Gomer Pyle used to exclaim that on the Andy Griffith Show, much to the chagrin of Andy. Well, Lori must think that I'm Gomer. Why else would she feed me the stupid crap that she did? "I don't want to hear any turtle stories," she also told me. That, of course, meant no discussion about the wild thing (see V.2). Perhaps I'm imagining things but Lori seems cockier than ever. She has gone beyond self-righteousness. Yet, I don't think I've ever heard a situation where Lori admitted that she was in the wrong. Then, she is under the delusion that she is a very attractive and very desirable babe. She mentioned that if she doesn't want to go on a date she just tells the poor fool that she's busy, as if the guys are lining up the street to date her.

Lori was beligerent when I first talked to her yesterday. She wanted to know why I was hammered. I told her, "I'm on a downhill slide." I then mentioned that my class load was cut because I have become inept. I told her that my personal life was affecting my professional life. "Don't try to lay a guilt trip on me," she growled. I assured her that I wasn't, knowing full well that I was hammered but I was still in control of my faculties. She wanted to know if I had classes in the Summer. I vaguely answered in a fashion hinting that another "time of reckoning" was just around the corner. She probably wanted to know if I was going on another Cali vacation. I won't have time for that but I never brought the matter up for discussion. So, everything was left to conjecture. I'll be very careful about the information I volunteer, the majority of which may be intentionally ambiguous.

Just before her stop came up, I held her hand and made some kind of sappy presentation. I felt myself being sucked in again psychologically by my own weakness. I quickly returned to reality. I did not offer to walk her home. I just told her to call me if she wanted to do anything. That's where it stands. I will be waiting but I know she won't call. And you know how well connected I am, what with my new beloved digital cell phone and all. And, my digital cell phone has Caller ID. Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaa! As each day passes, she will become more irate. Who am I to treat a goddess like herself as if she was a mere mortal? It's the game of brinkmanship that doesn't exist.

Lori never once mentioned Steph. I assume that she is somewhat happy that her daughter will no longer be around to get in the way of whatever she will be doing. Don't think that Steph hasn't figured that out already. She has 20 more days before her ordeal is over. I am happy to see Steph leave. I only hope that it won't be too late to undo the damage.

Why am I playing into this sick psychological game? I don't know. Maybe I just want to see how far it will go. I purposely opened up my areas of vulnerability, or at least the areas that my opponent is somewhat aware of. I have tried to bolster myself to keep from getting caught in my own trap. She has put me through the wringer once. She won't do it again. And, the public journal isn't around for her to gain an advantage over me. I will concede that I have a small chance of coming out of this game unscathed. Lori apparently has no ethical boundaries so I am at a disadvantage. I should have turned around and walked away. However, as Khan explained in The Wrath of Khan about why he was battling Captain Kirk to the end, "He tasks me." Gomer is going for broke.

Saturday May 22

Even I have to admit that this whole situation has gotten completely out of hand. It's also damned stupid. Frankly, I have no idea why Lori is playing this game. The sages' explanation still baffles me. There is no logic or reason behind it all. It is, as Kevin put it, "a psychological knee-jerk reaction." There is immense pain at the root of this and I have become the focal point through projection. The cause, as it were. It is as if, in my mind, I decided to blame you for all my woes. That would be nonsense. But, that's what Lori is doing. If I am already identified with that pain, then she needs me around to rationalize the cause of all of her other woes. I am the scapegoat. If I had been foolish enough to start calling her again, I would have seen the re-enactment of the previous volumes of the private journal. Hence, Paul's analysis is most fitting. Chris would have been correct if I had something that she wanted. There is nothing that I have to offer. She neither needs my companionship or emotional support. She is coming to destroy me. If she destroys me, then her pain will go away. Kind of like voodoo.

Lori had asked me to say hello to moms for her. So, I did. Moms said, "I don't care. She means nothing to me." Mind you, moms has never said this about anyone. I think that moms did a lot for Lori on my behalf. However, Lori neither cares or appreciates any of it.

I received an interesting e-mail from John:

Subject: Re: Journal of the Mind
Date: Sun, 23 May 1999 00:27:32 -0400
From: John (johnj@jtginc.com)

As far as the Lori situation goes, I have a few thoughts for you. Just my impressions and ruminations for you to ponder and see if it fits.

My hunch is telling me that while Lori is indeed playing a mind game with you, its' purpose may not be as menacing as you might expect. I think that what she wants is for you to "come get her." The whole Burger King thing was your "cue" to pursue her again. Think about it. If she really wanted to blow you off, why would she bother with the melodramatics? Now I'm not saying I'd take her up on the offer (because I wouldn't), but these games are designed to make you come back to her. Of course in her way of thinking, you must be the one to initiate contact (albeit at her prodding) so that she "knows" you really love her. It's all rather sick, but I've seen this type of thing before in my own life.

Another thought I had concerns your view that Lori believes she's the greatest thing since sliced bread. Sure she acts that way, but does she really? I think not. Indeed, I believe Lori has pitifully low self-esteem. She uses sex as a buffer and as a tool to protect herself and to control her environment (i.e., the people and situations surrounding her). Does a self-confident, capable, and assured person behave this way? I doubt it. Additionally, I suspect this is why she goes through so many jobs. She manages to "schmoose" her way into a situation that is over her head, and then, subsequently reveals her incompetence. The fact that she was "laid off" after 3 months on her most recent job not only coincides with her "negotiated" performance review, but the typical 90 day probationary period most employers have.

I also find it curious that she "goes through" so many people in such a short time frame. Remember, she often verbally abused you, demonized you, and held herself up as a victim. If she was doing it to you she was (and is) doing it to others. Other people may not have your compassion and are not as apt to put up with her behavior. One ugly thing I have had to learn about myself, is that we often tend to attract from others what we think we deserve. Perhaps you are ideal for Lori, in that your esteem is low enough, and your tolerance high enough, that you will (or were willing to) put up with her B.S. That's not intended as a sleight against you mind you, but speaking from experience, I sense you do not think you deserve much out of life. Hence you will put up with her psychotic mood swings and manipulations. You thus become her ideal enabler.

One final thought. Have you considered that Lori may be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)? I had someone in my life with BPD who drove me crazy. I thought it was just me until someone recommended a book which describes many of the symptoms this person exhibited. I see some similarities here to your situation. A partial list of symptoms follows:

Behaviors Associated w/ BPD (from "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Mason & Kreger):

Does this person....

Quote from the same book:

"Borderlines may need to feel in control of other people because they feel so out of control with themselves. In addition, they may be trying to make their own world more predictable and manageable. People with BPD may unconsciously try to control others by putting them in no-win situations, creating chaos that no one else can figure out, or accusing others of trying to control them."

Hope you can find something of value presented above. Hang in there and keep your head down!

Cheers,
John

These are interesting thoughts. I have taken a number of graduate level courses in Psychology (Clinical focus) to augment my counseling education. Yes, it may be easy to "diagnose" Lori in this category, although I am not really qualified to do so. If we follow DSM-IV (APA) protocols, then she does fit the bill as did the babe in Fatal Attraction. The behavior matches the Lori I now know. However, she was an entirely different person for almost two years. This suggests even further psychopathology. For the most part, I believe that I am seeing Lori's true personality now. It's the same personality that Chris described.

I am not convinced that she wants me to pursue her again. She did mention that she was no longer in love with me. That falls in line with the same declaration she made back in February. And, even Alexis mentioned that Lori "likes to be the aggressor" (see V.1). That was the case with both Chris and I. Perhaps she has changed her modus operandi. That's possible since "courting" her was a big issue when we just separated. I am still inclined to believe that the sages are correct. I think that she's out to destroy me. So far, no calls in my Caller ID queue.

Sunday May 23

For some reason, I had a nagging suspicion that I was missing something. So, I looked back in the public journal circa April 8th three years ago. Astounding as it may seem, that was the weekend that Lori and I met in San Francisco and stayed in the rustic Hotel Britton. As you may recall, that was also the day of the Burger King "You are forgiven" encounter. Coincidence? The next most significant event is Memorial Day weekend. Three years ago, it fell on the weekend of May 25th. That is the weekend that Lori came down to visit me again in Convalescent City. I made a promise to her then that I would visit her in Oregon. It's all water under the bridge but I just thought I'd mention the strange correlation.

I'm not trying to get sappy. Don't worry. Lori has put me through hell in the last few months. Nothing is going to override that. That's why I won't contact her. Period. I never told this sorrowful tale before. On Valentine's Day, I had mentioned to Lori that I wanted to take both her and Steph out to dinner. Lori went out of her way to be gone all day with Alexis and Tim. She left her daughter home babysitting Alexis' kids. When I asked her why she didn't even bother to call, she said, "Well, we never really had any plans." She said it in such a condescending manner that I felt about an inch tall. It was a cruel shutdown, one of many I had to endure. I suspect that the whole purpose of befriending me again is to put me through this kind of hell. That is why she will not call. In order to be shut down, I must do the calling. So you see, I do understand the ramifications of my actions. I know what to expect. Therefore, not to worry.

As I mentioned before, this is a no-win scenario for me. My obstinance will cause Lori to become very irate. She will either revert back to the "silent treatment" or she will find an opportune moment to explode in a tirade. That's why I'm listening to GrooveTech on RealPlayer. By the way, moms said that I should tell Lori to "Beat it!"

Monday May 24

Lori walked by me today as I sat in Bishop Square. She was with some other woman but she didn't even look my way. I'm sure that she saw me because I was no more than ten feet away. Well, it is apparent that the "silent treatment" is back in effect. No telling what caused it. I won't be so stupid as to approach her because she will definitely erupt in a tirade. Did I call this one or what?

I listened to Smooth Jazz tonight as I played around on the Net. Not much else I can do. When Give Me The Night by Randy Crawford came on, I wept silently to myself. Not because I miss Lori. I felt like wallowing in misery for a few minutes. I wanted my life to turn out a little better than it did. Then, I remembered the conversation I had with Roland just as I came home today. "Remember just about a year ago when we were both unemployed. We were in the same boat. Look at us now. We're doing good." He's right. There is still more bereavement time but things have worked out better than I thought. There are many challenges ahead. Life is always full of challenges. I will cry now but, as I look out into the horizon, I can only see better time ahead.

Tuesday May 25

Tonight is a GrooveTech night. Strange yet interesting music. Caroll called while I was in the shower. So, I called her back. We only chatted briefly as she was rather tired. Sounds like she is doing better up there. She wanted to know how I was but she was careful not to ask about Lori. I'm glad because I really did not want to relate the pathetic details. Caroll is considering another trip to Hawai'i but I don't think it will be too soon. It would be nice to see her again. I told her that my next trip to Cali will be in December when I am also supposed to go to Colorado with Kevin and Tammy for the big snowboarding trip. Yeah!

You know, a few months ago, Lori told me, "If someone asked me to go skiing for the weekend, I'd be outta here so quick ... my bags would be packed in an instant. I'd just buy all my gear up there." She said it in a condescending fashion to let me know that if someone else would fork out the dough for a trip like that, she'd be gone. Good. I wouldn't mind taking a babe to Colorado but it ain't gonna be Lori. That's a great idea. Too bad I won't find a babe by then. It will be a fun trip anyway. Lori will probably be married to one of those dildos by then.

Thursday May 27

I have been blessed with enough teaching contracts at the business college to make my Summer worthwhile. I also have been offered one additional class but it is at night. I'm not sure if I'll take it. Of course, what does it matter? I have nothing to do at night anyway, especially on Fridays. I submitted my application to the math department at the university, too. The consulting firm in Seattle called. I have to establish a convenient time for a phone interview next week. I now have to seriously consider whether I should stay here in Hawai'i or not. I have been blessed with all of these opportunities. I'm not going to make big bank one way or the other but I will be able to survive modestly. Words cannot even describe how thankful I am. Why don't I mention all of this in Regular One? Well, I think you know. I celebrated by listening to GrooveTech and dropping back a few brewskis.

I saw Lori's friend Anne on the express bus home. She didn't seem as talkative as usual. She had lunch with Lori last week so she probably heard about what the bad ol' puddy tat did. [I thought I'd throw in the audio clip as well.] There are two weeks left before Steph leaves Hawai'i for good. The three-day weekend is coming up. I am at a loss to figure out what to do. I'm sure it will be the same old routine. I just need the willpower to put up with this for a little while longer. I'm trying to be optimistic although I don't think that Lori will move next month.

Friday May 28

So far, no calls in my Caller ID queue. What does that tell you? A crucial decision now lies ahead concerning whether I should return to the mainland or not. I have not been hired yet but it is something I must consider. The dream I described in Regular One was disturbing. For now, my parents are the only people who truly love me. I have no other source of love except from the Creator. I realize that I have to think about my own life but I have only one set of parents. Once they are gone, that's it. No replacements. Then, I will truly be alone. I don't think that I'll realize the real ramifications of not being loved by anyone until it happens. Loneliness will be an understatement of the situation. As much as I yearn for my independence again, I know that the day will come soon enough when I will be truly independent whether I like it or not. Yet, I have publicly stated my position about dating babes. I have a renewed vow of celibacy and abstinence. If I have to put up with the same kind of crap that I did with Lori and for the same duration, then I'd rather be alone.

I am still a little worried that Lori will pop up again sometime soon and pull some kind of double whammy on me. She has probably already resorted to voodoo. If Paul (in Seattle) is correct, then I will be running into her again in just a few days. In reviewing my own testimony, I can now see that Lori's intentions are to prevent me from healing. She is reminding me of the "history of [her] power" over me. This from a person who once claimed to have loved me! Then, I suppose the sinister kahuna is enamored by me as well. Maybe I won't be alone and unloved after all, eh?

I don't remember if I ever mentioned this in the public journal. A few years ago when Skip was one of my roommates, we used to watch The Simpsons. The only funny episode I remember was the one that started off in a movie theater. The title of the movie was You Have the Right to Remain Dead. It was a take-off on that Ed McBain genre. Skip and I found it so funny that we used to recite that line in unison over and over again especially at parties. Think about it. It's a classic line. I can't remember a thing about the rest of the episode. Why do I bring this up now? Insanity, my friends. Insanity.

Sunday May 30

Another interesting e-mail for the on-going forum, this time from Duke:

Subject: JOTM
Date: Sun, 30 May 1999 04:49:16 -0700
From: Duke (duke@dccullinan.com)

Good to see the waters are still roiling beneath the surface!

As usual, I have a few comments. I agree with those who say you're wasting too much energy on this - at this late date. I took more than a month off from the Journal Of The Mind (JOTM) when Mickey Mouse Security went live in a big way. At that time you'd already been through the emotional ringer. The Regular One (which I kept up on) actually portrayed how I thought you would *really* be dealing with things by this time. In other words, sort of observing the goings-on, carrying on with your life, gradually letting your spirit heal itself.

Now that I'm back with JOTM . . . Whooaaaa! Was I wrong.

I've noticed that most every bit of advice you've received is now beginning to tell you, in the words of Nike, to "Just Do It."  Just cut her off forever and start forgetting about her. In no uncertain terms. Unfortunately, it's always been easier to say that than to do it. But it's true. Until you draw that line in the sand and walk over it willfully, you're just going to keep torturing yourself. The other option is to keep doing what you're doing and eventually, over lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of time, your mind frame will change. Let's put it this way: You know how long it took the wind to hone down those lavaheads on Easter Island to their current shapes? That's how long it'll take if you "pursue" Option Two.

Next, this is probably no surprise to you, but I'm virtually positive that the anonymous email of May 17th was Anonder. The whole epistle vibrates with the philosophies he's stated explicitly and implied passively on his website. His life centers on the pursuit of pleasure. If the receiving of pleasure is the primary goal in life (no mention, of course, of love, devotion, companionship, and the like - unless with regards to the pleasure to be derived from these things), then it's best to approach things dispassionately. As he advised about the kitten. As he does the women in his life. This way you are able to extract what pleasure you can out of them, then best manage not to be hurt when that episode ends.

He's quite eloquent and logical and persuasive. And I think he is right. This really can work for an intellectual, logical mind (he's an engineer too, of course). The problem is that running ones life like that strips the blood out of your soul; instead, you're filled with some synthetic plasma. Passion. Anger. Jealousy. Love. Just a few of the many emotions we can feel if we let ourselves. Think about Anonder's Journal. Honestly, coming from him, is there any trace of these emotions in his journal? He gets "passionate" during sex, but that's biological, more a description of what his body's going through than the emotion. That's that. But otherwise, I agree with his ideas on advice. Be skeptical. (Another note on Anonder being Anonder: Of course he'd advise against some of the "breezy" advice, as something that would cause you pain. He'd *never* do something like that. He probably learned one time early in his own life that touching that hot burner results in pain. Well, that might be, sometimes. But sometimes it might not. You don't always know before you try. Remember the first time you jumped into water? Sure, it was dangerous - and it continues to be so - but it also turned out to be a hell of a lot of fun.)

It's my opinion of you that you've spent a long time as the Data-type personality (the personality Anonder endorses - a matter of emotional safety, you understand). You've seen what kind of life - social, private, professional, etc. - results. And you wouldn't mind breaking away from that to live life in color from here on out. It's just kind of scary. Well, you're going through a lot of turmoil right now. Maybe you can look at it as a freshly-started stew, its ingredients boiling away in chaos. But once it settles down to a simmer, all the flavors blend and merge into something wonderful.

Duke

I think that Duke has some valid points here. In essence, I have already physically walked away from the situation. As you know, I will not capitulate to Lori's implied demands. Mentally, however, I am still in bewilderment. I have heard what the sages have told me. I have seen their prophesy come true. Frankly, I was totally caught off-guard. What the sages have really been telling me is that I don't understand the female mind. That's true. Most guys don't. However, I have not come to the point where I accept how babes think without question. As it turns out, that's really all we can do. Acceptance is understanding.

I ran into Steph today while I was walking back from the library. She was out riding her bicycle because her mother was in "a pissy mood." It was a strange discussion. Steph is sounding more like her mother every time I see her. Somehow we ended up talking about the current situation. Steph told me that the reason her mother called it quits with me was because I took Lori for granted. "I seen it with my own eyes," she added. Did you really, Steph? She then told me how Lori had not just disliked me but hated me. She then made the same condescending remarks about my attempts to patch things up with Lori when we went on the Mau'i trip and so forth. Never mind that the trip cost me $400 for two days. I felt sad that I had to listen to a child whose mind has been poisoned. "You know, the only reason your mother was upset with me was because I talked to your father. That's it." Steph agreed. That was the first moment that she was not mirroring her mother. "And, your mother treated me worse in the last few months than I ever have done to her in the whole time we were together," I said. "Just like she did to my dad," she continued as if to complete the thought for me, "So, that's why I'm not allowed to talk to you or anything." Exactly. Steph was unaware that her mother was actually talking to me again. She also mentioned that Lori is still seeing Balding Bill. "He's a really nice guy." Now where have I heard this before? Steph believes that her mother will marry Balding Bill. "I'm glad I'm leaving so I don't have to deal with it anymore," she clarified. I was baffled by the interspersing of the contrived comments á la Lori and Steph's own opinions. They were clearly contradictory. The "other guys" Lori is dating is really one clown named Kirk. Perhaps Harry is also still in the picture. Most likely, they are all sorry ass barflies. Finally, Steph mentioned that Lori was fired last week from the Account Executive position. Did the sages not predict this moment? That's why I haven't seen her around in town. In summary, Steph said that her mother is "having a great time" and has no intention of moving. So, why did she contact me again?

At this point in time, I'm relieved. I won't be seeing Lori in town or at the gym for a while. I will make no attempt to contact her as I've stated before. It's beginning to look like she did need me for something. A punching bag. She certainly cannot take out her frustrations on her potential suitors. I will stay out of harm's way.

I have more evidence to substantiate the on-going choreography of events by Lori. Take, for example, the Burger King encounter. The date itself was significant. It also turns out that Burger King was also significant. Why? Remember that Burger King was always an important icon in the journal. The encounter had to take place in a locale that would have some kind of predominance as a backdrop. What else could explain how Lori saw me in a crowded Burger King after I had been standing in line for a few minutes? Then, too, one can clearly see the irony of a tearful pseudo-drama in the middle of Burger King. In all honesty, I now see that almost every encounter, especially the ones that ended up in tirades, were choreographed by her. Some were scripted so poorly as to be beyond obvious. The loss of my sobriety was also scripted and meticulously planned. Lori knew that it was an important time for me. Remember, I emphasized that in the journal. However, she unloaded everything just prior to the anniversary date. Coincidence? I think not. Lori has also introduced new red flags to me that I was previously not aware of. She has used many of my own lines on me in the climactic points of her pseudo-dramas. I should have seen this before. Remember the last conversation at the gym where she said, "Don't wait too long. I may not be here"? That's what I told her verbatim in December when I thought of hastily moving back to mainland and I offered her a chance to reconcile with me. There are many more lines that I remember that I have either said or written in the journal. I find this revelation to be distressing. Right now, there is only one way that Lori can set up one of these events. She has to place herself somewhere I'll be in a similar fashion to the Burger King encounter. Or, she has to call me. The latter will not happen. Whatever script she has, it requires that I do the calling.

Maybe the end of this debacle is nearing. Steph will be leaving in ten days. Lori can now shower Balding Bill with extreme sex and reel him in, just as she did to me exactly three years ago. That seems to be Lori's only option at this time. If that is the case, I may never see or hear from Lori again and this journal will finally come to an end. Pray that it happens.

Tuesday June 1

Moms said that she saw Lori hanging out her wash this morning, although she did not talk to Lori. Also, Lori's neighbor Ray passed away recently, which struck a chord within me. Moms brought up how Lori used to kiss me all the time. "That's no good," she told me. "That kind of stuff is only for the bedroom." So, there is probably some merit to Lori's claims. I had to pretty much appear to be eunuch-like when we lived in moms' house. That is the kind of environment I was raised in as well. When Lori wanted to hug moms on several occassion, moms reluctantly allowed it but she made it known that she didn't like it. Sometimes I look back and I just want go ballistic. I can see why I have difficulty expressing my feelings and emotions. I was brought up in a tomb.

I don't know why I keep buying Smooth Jazz CDs. At one time I found them relaxing. Now they make me depressed. Perhaps it's time that I box up the Acoustic Wave. The human resources person from the consulting firm in Seattle called today. I am scheduled to have a telephone interview on Thursday with one of the partners. The time has come to make a decision. Will I try to move for big bank and to get away from Lori?

Thursday June 3

The telephone interview with one of the partners at the consulting firm went well. He seems to be very interested in taking me on board. There will be another phone interview scheduled with someone in LA in about two weeks. So, it looks like this option is become more viable as the days go on. The time to make the decision is now. What am I going to do? I have been observing moms lately to see if I notice anything out of the ordinary. She does her daily stretching and exercise in the morning but she has also been doing more at different times in the day. I suspect that she is going through more pain than she let's on. She already has osteoporosis which is not a good sign. As I found out, Lori's neighbor Ray fatally injured himself after a fall. That could happen to moms at any time. With no one else living in the house, this could present a precarious situation. If I choose to leave Hawai'i, I am going to be hard-pressed to find someone to check on moms. It certainly won't be Lori.

Moms said that she saw Lori at Foodland in the morning yesterday. She only exchanged a few words with Lori because she wanted to avoid a lengthy conversation. Lori seems to not be too worried about her time off. Perhaps Balding Bill is already giving her an allowance. So far, no calls in my Caller ID queue but, as I mentioned in Regular One, there have been a series of unidentified phone calls lately. Bruce wants to investigate this matter as my proxy. I agreed to let him. The puzzling question of why Lori has Caller ID herself still remains. I find it odd that she can spend money on that luxury and not buy a decent bed for her daughter. I am also puzzled by an interesting revelation she made during the bus ride home two weeks ago. Lori mentioned that the so-called subordinate at her former workplace was parking in her reserved space. Apparently Lori also had a reserved parking space as part of her compensation package. She said that she needed the parking space "whenever [she] rented a car." Then, she clarified that she had to rent cars occasionally as "part of the job." She had worked as an Account Executive for only a week. Her other position did not require her to travel anywhere. So, there was something very fishy about that story. I think she caught herself as she related all of that to me and quickly fabricated a reason to justify the need for a rental car, as if I required any justification. That was the red flag. So, Lori has been living high on the hog and renting cars for who knows what. Or, maybe she has been using Balding Bill's big bank Boss Hog wheels.

Finally, after urging me to "get on with the friendship," I have never heard from Lori again. Do you find that odd? The chance encounter with Steph cleared up a few questions. Nothing more. Steph has six more days in Hawai'i. Lori will be free to start her new life after that.

Friday June 4

So, Lori is "having a great time." And, I am still wallowing in misery. I just don't get it. After all the crap I've been through, I should be relieved that it's over. Why do I continue to mourn something that never existed? I am now beginning to see that I no longer understand my own actions. Therefore, I should be more open to believe that Lori probably doesn't understand her actions as well. In effect, this is a turning point in my perception of reality. To the onlooker, I seem to be "stuck on stupid," as Caroll would say. My mind and, hence, my emotions are locked in a slice of time that balances precariously between fantasy and reality. Between sanity and insanity. No matter how much I try to reason with myself, I still cannot detach myself from this thinking. Even the testimony included in the private journal has had little effect in dissuading me from the obvious. Neither has the fire water sedated me adequately to jettison this crap. I find it amazing that I have actually been able to observe this phenomenon at all.

The answer may lie in the fact that the brain is a small chemical plant. The secretion of certain chemicals determines our emotions and behavior which, in turn, molds our personality. As in the case of depression, the brain may become locked in a chemical process guided by our subconscious. We could chemically combat the problem but the real solution lies in attacking the problem at all levels of consciousness. I believe that this is the root of the problem. Even though I have consciously accepted the debaucherous information, my other levels of consciousness have yet to reach the same conclusion. Our inherent propensity toward compassion and understanding may be the culprit. However, the degree to which we are guided by these qualities varies from person to person. In Lori's case, she may lack these qualities entirely. That does not quite put her on the level with the "criminal mind," but it tends to explain her lack of concern or remorse over the outcome.

Perhaps it is my engineering mind that requires such a concise definition of the problem and at least a qualitative resolution. That is the only way I can make peace with myself and with Lori. Yet, as I have come to realize that I don't even understand my own actions, I can also increase my compassion toward Lori. Passive compassion. I don't plan on running over to her and express any of this. She will only use that opportunity to trash me. As Steph's departure date approaches, Lori will be hard-pressed to find a new punching bag. That was one of Steph's responsibilities, I'm afraid. That became rather apparent to me when Steph mentioned that her mother was in "a pissy mood" last weekend. With neither Steph or I available as punching bags, Lori will now have to deal with her anger on her own. As we can already guess, Lori will have to sacrifice some of her other associates. Those who are willing to put up with that nonsense will put up with more. Only her meal ticket, Balding Bill (or whomever), must be shielded from this apocalyptic catharsis. In time, it will all come out like it did with me.

Lori's success in life is not my concern anymore. My sanity and my survival are what are important to me. I cannot sacrifice what little I have left of these precious commodities for the sake of someone who could care less about my welfare. It's still going to be a tough road to travel. Lori will attempt to do her best to circumvent my healing process, only because she knows it is affecting me. And, she needs a punching bag. I can run but I can't hide. Trying to find a new babe just to stave Lori off is ludicrous. I just have to bite the bullet and take it like a man. I already know that there is a high probability that Lori will keep coming back just like a bad sitcom. The sages have predicted as much. To be forewarned is to be forearmed.

Sunday June 6

The battle within my own mind continues as I struggle to understand the cause of my own stupidity. Can I not see from this very journal that the facts speak for themselves? Thank goodness GrooveTech provided the appropriate thinking music for this occassion. I have been praying incessantly for my release from the grip of stupidity. I'm still failing to see that the Lori of two years ago never existed. It was all an act. Perhaps that is why I have had difficulty remaining sober. Essentially what we're saying here is that the last three years of my life was a joke. A bad joke. There are only four more days before Steph leaves. Anything can happen after that.

The only thing I can do now is strengthen my own position. I have to become comfortable with my life as I know it until things change. I have to stop feeling inadequate just because I've been replaced by a rich, balding pilot. There are a lot of old, rich guys who are extremely desperate and horny. They know the value of big bank in attracting women and they will flaunt it shamelessly to get what they want. Incidentally, I just realized that I have not seen Lori on a regular bus in a long time. She only takes the express bus. She has always hated taking the bus and held it against me that I didn't chauffeur her around more often. But, she also didn't really care to ride in my six-four. I couldn't win for losing. Really, it becomes fairly obvious who I was dealing with. I just want to know why she chose to ruin my life. Was it because I was on the Net and I looked like a real sucker?

Monday June 7

I lost one of my classes this morning due to a cancellation so I will be noticing a drop in my income. Also, some jackass stole my socks and gym towel. I had to buy replacements in town and that expenditure cut into my fire water fund. Looks like the sinister kahuna has come back personally to deal with me. Sheesh! I am beginning to see that I harbor a lot of guilt that I don't deserve. The handmaiden of the sinister one is the Queen of the guilt trip. This is probably my biggest hurdle to overcome. Lori has projected all of her hostilities toward men in general (Chris, Lance and the guys in-between, to be specific) and cast those projections upon me. She is good at it and she was persuasive enough to make me feel guilty for the evil that men do. Although I realize this now, I also know that it will take a while for me to de-program from this thinking. I really started to believe those accusations. I'm not quite certain but I think Lori has also projected a lot of her own guilt upon me. Of particular interest is her accusation of my lying and deception. As it turns out, she is the greater perpetrator of such actions.

Worst of all, I was psychologically prepared to get married. I wanted to settle down and live peacefully. This is a very vulnerable state especially for guys. I'm sure Lori knew that when she ripped my heart apart with her melodramas to end our engagement (at least three times). This is perhaps what Caroll meant when she said that I was "psychologically raped." I believe that Lori knew long in advance that she was going to end the relationship. She wanted to insure that I pay for all the broken promises made by lovers of the past. In the end, it's all very curious. Lori constantly imagines that men from her past want to marry her. In Oregon, when Chris and Lori went shopping for a gift for Steph, Lori came back and said that her husband proposed to her. Chris has since denied it. Also, one day, a former weird boyfriend from the past called. Lori told me that he asked her to marry him during the phone conversation. Very odd.

So far, the sages' predictions have not come true. I'm beginning to feel smug that Lori has given up. She has other things to worry about like "networking" for another job or subliminally persuading Balding Bill to marry her. We'll know in a few days.

Wednesday June 9

Life as I know it. Say what? Today is Steph's last full day in Hawai'i. The turning point for Lori is tomorrow. I talked with Caroll today. She seems to be less stressed because she has decided to release herself from the burden of a few financial obligations. The loss she will suffer will be insignificant in terms of the cost of her sanity. Caroll may also return to Hawai'i for another visit. She guardedly asked about Lori and I provided only a brief synopsis. On the way home on the express bus, I chatted with Lori's friend Anne again. I am rather surprised that she still talks to me. I am sure that Lori has told her a few stories especially about how I was responsible for Steph's return to Oregon. Lori's other friends have already taken sides but Anne has at least remained civil and cordial.

What is interesting is I have quite a few babes in my classes. Many of them at the business college are single moms. Not surprising, I'm sure. It's funny because, as I have gotten to know a few of them, I have learned that many of them have woeful tales. Part of the problem deal with the fact that they are from the economic underclass. I don't understand why some of them chose to get married or to have children but that seems to be characteristic in this economic class. Most times, the former boyfriends or husbands are useless. Child support comes from "his" welfare check. The babes work at minimum wage slave jobs to survive. I'm not placing fault upon the guys but I find it odd to compare the attitudes of these babes with that of Lori. They are thankful to be able to survive. They are happy that they are going to school to increase the possibility of a better future. None of them are saying that they need $50,000 per year just to survive. None of them get $600 in child support (for a non-existent child no less). This realization made me see that I have nothing in common with Lori. I'm sure that some of the babes would not mind marrying a rich, balding pilot. It's an easy way out. Yet none have mentioned it. All of that has opened my eyes to reality.

To be continued ... Go to V.11


© Copyright 1999 by LoserNet. This page is archived.