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I started off the last chapter this way, but this one is a real eye-opener. I was on my way to Barnes & Noble but I took a quick drive through the park since it was nice out. There were two people walking arm-in-arm on the grass. As I approached them, I recognized Lori. I knew that she could see me because I was in my six-four. She didn't even look in my direction as her head was nuzzled in the guy's chest. The guy, I suppose, was Balding Bill. They must have gone for a hike just as Lori and I used to do. I was shocked at first but now I'm numb. I need to express my feelings here and will take all liberties to do so.

First, Balding Bill made me want to laugh. He's definitely a middle-aged, balding guy. He looked like he was fifty, although Steph said that they were the same age. He's tall and lanky but he's nothing I'd expect Lori to be with. He's definitely not a stud. So, I'm going to tell you, I know it's got to be because of the money. It's certainly not love, at least not in this short a period of time. I also believe that a person should at least be a little physically attracted to another to be in a relationship. Lori is a prize for Balding Bill. He will not do better than her. In fact, Lori looked really good. It kind of made me nauseous when I imagined Lori boinking Balding Bill. I'm glad it's her and not me. After what I saw I wouldn't even consider touching that skank ever again. I can't even believe that she's fucking that fossil. It's sickening yet funny.

Chris called it exactly as it was. As he said, "She must have a new boyfriend, and Steph is just getting in the way." Does this story just get dumber and dumber? Now I see why Steph was eager to get out. At least I'll sleep better at night knowing that I had a small part in Steph's liberation. I am even actually surprised that Lori's friends have accepted all of this without question. Anybody who knew the two of us before should have raised an eyebrow or two. Frankly, I now have my suspicions that Lori was seeing Balding Bill long before we broke up, or she at least knew of him. [Perhaps that's who she was referring to when she was talking to Barbara in April. (see V.1)]

As you can guess, this journal is probably finally coming to an end. Lori will never contact me again since she knows that I've caught her in the ultimate lie. The answers to all of the questions I've had will remain unanswered. No one will know why I had those strange encounters with Lori in the past two months (see V.9 and V.10). I don't believe that her intentions were good. If anything, she wanted to toy with my sanity. I surmise that she will definitely be moving out of her place at the end of the month. Let's just pray that it comes true. As for this journal, it will be here to time indefinite.

What really gets to me at this point in time is that there is absolutely nothing to invalidate any of Chris' testimony. I am now certain that he told me the whole truth about Lori. We have gone through six months of hell together, you and I, and we have uncovered the scandal that changed my life. If any of you go back and read the private journal, you can now assume that all of it was fact. This last bit of deception has persuaded me. As Robert (rbryant@world.std.com) said in e-mail, "Your break-up with Lori was really a blessing, but even now you cannot accept it. Time will hopefully heal, and eventually you will come to realize how luck you are ... Have a great summer and try harder to forget Lori, as she could never have become worthy of you."

There was a time I could never believe those words. Now I believe every last word.

Sex, Lies and ...

The aftershocks of my discovery yesterday continued. I am still completely numb. It is odd to see someone else's arms wrapped tightly around a former lover of just a few months prior. And, after all that nonsense I was fed last month about how Lori missed me and thought about me all the time. Then, there was that crap about how she lost the only two people she loved. Yet, the romance with Balding Bill was already in full swing. Believe me, casual dating partners do not hold each other like what I was privy to witness yesterday. Then, Lori had the audacity to tell me that she was "dating other guys" in order to further obfuscate the situation. And, mind you, I didn't ask her about this. She volunteered the information to me. Only a sick mind would attempt to toy with another person in that manner. And, what exactly could have been accomplished by a friendship with her? It's all just another "mind fuck" as Kevin called it. Perhaps her purpose was to establish contact with me and then set me up in another tiring scripted situation. I'd make myself out to be a jerk and she would have found ample justification to go with Balding Bill. I didn't give her the satisfaction and she went with him anyway.

In catching her in the ultimate lie, I may have put an end to this sad saga. I am sure that Lori remembers the crap she told me about a month ago. There is no way to face me again. What could she say? If trust is so important to her in friendship, then why can't I trust her? So, far, I'm not the one talking out of both sides of my mouth. [By the way, that's another thing I've been accused of.] It is a sad situation that is no longer my problem. Yet, I will remain vigilant. There's still no telling what could happen.

Friday June 11

Today is Kamehameha Day so it's a holiday in Hawai'i. As usual, I had nothing to do except hit the fire water. Even though this tragic drama is drawing quickly to a close, I am still affected by it such that I need to sedate myself. Mind you, I'm sure Lori has no further need for the evil beverage. Once again, she is coming out ahead. She may also never have to work again in her life when she marries Big Balding Money Grip.

The predictions of the sages have all come true with remarkable accuracy. I should mention something interesting. In Regular One, I talked about my dreams being indicators of reality somewhat like déjà vu. I had a dream a month or so ago in which I saw Balding Bill. With the exception that he had more of a pruneface in real life, he was almost identical to my vision. The only prediction left is that Lori will move out of her place at the end of the month. If all goes well with the romance (now that Steph is out of the way), there should be no reason for Lori to keep her place. This will be the dénouement as far as I'm concerned. It's still sad to see that she will have the last laugh on me. As far as I know, Lori no longer really stays at her place. Balding Bill must be living his wildest sexual fantasies right now. Lori will use sex to enslave him. I should know. Three years ago this month, the same thing happened to me (see V.1). I have a queasy feeling when I realize that history is repeating itself. It's all the same, only the faces change. I suppose that Paul (in Seattle) was correct when he said that I "didn't really matter." I was just a warm body with a dream and a ticket out of Oregon for Lori. Balding Bill is just a warm body with a fat wallet. I can't help but feel a little morose. Will Balding Bill be cuddled around Lori all night in bed as I used to? Will he cup her breasts with his hands and nuzzle the nape of her neck with his chin? Will he run one hand along her smooth abdomen down to her pleasure triangle as I did? I don't necessary miss Lori but I miss being able to do that. Right now, I can only run my hands along my own body and choke the chicken. Not quite the same thing and still not a viable option.

I have tentatively made the decision to commit to go to Seattle if the opportunity comes through. I do not think that I will make it here. My sanity is being taxed and I'm afraid that I need to put some real distance between Lori and I for a while. I don't even want the remote possibility of seeing her and Balding Bill again. This decision comes at a critical juncture. Moms has been in severe pain for a few days. This time it's her knees. She refuses to take any pain killers. How much more time does she have? Caroll thought that I could still visit Hawai'i frequently from the mainland if I move there. I don't think I could afford an $800 junket every month even with a good salary. Right now I have to consider whether my sanity and my liver are worth more than spending time with moms.

I know what many of you think about this situation. It is wearisome at best. I cannot even begin to delineate how much I want to get out of my own dungeon, as it were. It has been a very difficult time for me. I know better than to let this go on but I am somehow locked in cyclic thought process. Lori has had such an impact on me during the good times and has also adversely affected me with the psychological trauma that she imposed on me after the breakup. The two conflicting forces have not negated each other. Instead, they have worked synergistically against me. Lori is extremely good at this game. She has had a chance to practice it every two years on several unwitting victims for over a decade. I am just another casualty. Believe me, I remember all the advice that was given me to forget about this stuff and move on with my life. I don't hold onto this pain because I am inexperienced or naïve or because I possess self-destructive tendencies. I just can't shut off my mind. Even when I sleep, it works on the same tedious problems. That's why it was essential that Lori not come back periodically to disrupt my life. The healing process will be a long one, given the way my mind works. I was distressed when several people discussed healing in terms of years. So, how do people like Lori heal?

Perhaps healing begins with forgiveness. I'm not talking about the cheesy melodrama at Burger King. Lori's forgiveness means nothing to me. It is about as good as her word. Useless. I have to forgive myself for my participation in the debacle. I have to stop assuming the guilt that Lori has projected upon me. Then, I have to return to a spiritual focus. It sounds stupid but what's left of my spirituality is what has saved me from going under. However, I can't seem to rekindle my spirituality here in Hawai'i. Perhaps I am dismayed or even envious that Lori always gets what she wants. As for me, I am just a spent vessel. There is absolutely nothing I can do about the injustices in life, I suppose. I have to just live my life. Perhaps Lori will one day reap what she sowed.

Finally, in Regular One, I made cryptic references to how close I came to my own destruction. I know this for sure and it's not a matter of premonition. One particular situation stands out. As I've mentioned before, Lori never used any contraceptives when we made love. Neither did I. It was stupid and risky but I believe that Lori had other intentions. Her reason for not using birth control was lame. I was a sexual slave to her and, thus, I did not present any arguments. Remember that Chris had mentioned that he wanted to break up with Lori but he discovered that she was pregnant. That was the deciding factor for them to get married, according to Chris. What would have happened if I had got her pregnant? Probably the same thing that happened to Chris. He has been financially yoked to her for twelve years. For some reason, I was protected by a higher source because Lori and I made love so many times that she should have gotten pregnant. I believe that was her plan and it is her plan for Balding Bill. She's always said that she doesn't want to have another child because Steph "wants to be an only child." Then, why no birth control? I had a premonition about this today. History is about to repeat itself. Fortunately, it's not my history.

Saturday June 12

The fire water is beginning to take its toll on me. I went off on a tirade today because of the stress that has been building up. Moms expects me to just forget everything overnight. She claimed that pride is my problem. I exploded. After all was said and done, moms said that it might be best if I move back to the mainland. There is no question that I have reached the end of my rope.

I was also ready to call Lori and unload on her, too. I probably should have but I prayed for the strength to resist. It would have served no purpose anyway except to justify Lori's position. I can no longer do anything about the injustices served me. I must just let history run its course and assume that Lori will screw up somewhere down the line. So far, she has held true to form.

My sister-in-law stopped by a little earlier. I had a brief talk with her about the situation. She mentioned that she had a funny feeling about Lori when we first arrived in Hawai'i. She told moms that she thought Lori would eventually leave me once she established herself and found friends here. I found that interesting. In retrospect, I was very harsh in how I viewed the situation in the public journal back then with my bro and his family. Granted, things were out of control. Mostly, I think it had to do with the stress we all felt while living in an overcrowded house.

The bad blood between my bro and I still exists mainly because of Lori. My bro did not like her at all. Lori came across very strong and at times she did appear to think too highly of herself. I recall that I was perturbed about that as well. Some of our early disagreements were because of that. I tried to make Lori realize that we were guests in moms' house and we also had to tolerate my bro's delusion that he was the head of the household. Nonetheless, things came apart at the seams and the family dynamics have not been the same. I also wanted Lori to be aware of the quirky local ways because I also wanted her to be accepted by my family. That's probably what turned Lori off to the locals in general. She has never really befriended any locals after that.

I have not seen the lovebirds since Thursday. Strange things. As I was hiking up Koko Head, I looked down into the subdivisions. I could see Lori's place and there was a white car parked in the garage. It looked like a Pontiac. Typical rental car around here. Lori could have rented a car to take Steph to the airport. After all, she does rent cars occasionally (see V.10). Or, maybe she has a roommate. I sure hope that she did not rent out a room, which would mean that she is not planning to move out.

Sunday June 13

Some say that I have become too obsessed over this whole situation because I continue to write about it. I don't quite feel that way. Somehow I really get a sense of relief after putting most of this crap into words. I understand things a little better as well. For example, I was really upset until I wrote this entry. I almost thought I would have an anxiety attack. [After reading the subject, you'll see why.] I felt so inadequate and ineffectual again. Eunuch-like. If I had thought about it much longer, I would have rendered myself impotent. In the end, it didn't matter. I had already been there before my replacement took over.

You really got to hand it to Lori. She has gotten everything she has wanted and more. Chris pays her $600 per month child support for no child. Lori's stud is Balding Bill, a rich, balding pilot. He works only 14 straight days in a month and makes over $100,000 per year. He's going to enjoy the wildest sex in his life and he may actually outdo my record. Granted, he's a homely bastard but Lori has hit paydirt. As I've asked before, how does she get away with that crap?

As for me, she already looks down at me and wonders why she "dirtied" herself with her involvement with me. She will deny my existence from this point forward because I am merely a cretin. Lori is a whore as far as I'm concerned. It's sad that I have to put it that way but look at what she's doing. It's not your problem anymore, you say. True. Yet, when I saw Lori and her prunefaced lover on Thursday, it was so odd. I know that she already boinked him a while ago. How can she be in love again so quickly? It boggles my mind. She is so willing to give out sex to get whatever she wants. How do I know? Come on, I know exactly what is happening in their bedroom. I could probably script out the exact scenario. She will make love to him all day and all night. They will have time to get in some other activities but sex will fill most of the day. Every day. It will be sex and more sex. Summer of Love.

Here's a typical day for us three years ago almost to the day. Lori would wake up in my arms and we would start kissing. I would end up making love to her at least two times. Then, we would have breakfast and sit around for a while. Lori would get up and lead me by the hand back to the bedroom and remove her silk robe, exposing her beautiful body. She would kneel and take all of me in her mouth. I would help her up onto the bed. I would run my tongue all over her body and then I'd eat her. We would make love in several positions before we came together. Then, we would do that once or twice more. Sometime after lunch, we would have a reprise of that. Later, after the gym and dinner, we would have another passionate tryst. After we took a shower together, we usually sat around and listened to Smooth Jazz. Finally, we would call it an evening for more lovemaking. Sometimes, we also got up in the middle of the night to make love yet again. We did this regimen every single day that Summer. Was it real or was it Memorex? More like GrooveTech.

Am I jealous of my prunefaced replacement? Yes, I am. I wish I was the guy doing Lori again. And, I'm a monk. Was it real? I don't think so. She will surely make it seem like it's real. It's Lori conception of the ultimate male fantasy. She will make your dreams come true (pun intended). As long as you can give her what she wants. She's living the life that will make all of her girlfriends jealous. She has made it. The rest of us have to bust our asses to survive. However, some of us don't have a valuable commodity like Lori has. Her pussy. Barbara once mentioned in e-mail about how guys are hopelessly addicted to it. We'll give up everything including all our dough, our sanity and our lives for a piece of it. We'll even kill for it. Now, I only wonder if Balding Bill is better in bed than I am.

Dénouement

I don't know whether I'm done displacing my anger or not. But, one thing is clear. Lori has moved on. She will not be coming back, at least into my life. On that note, Barbara wrote in e-mail:

Subject: Hi
Date: Sun, 13 Jun 1999 07:45:03 -0700 (PDT)
From: Barbara

Hi Terrance,

Just a note to say hi and let you know we're still here. I've been reading the journal and it looks like you are still on your rolly coaster ride.  Lori has moved on with her life and so should you. Easier said than done.

Mom's is right about the pride. Read your last couple of days entry of the prune faced lover. Definitely your pride is hurt. Pride stands in the way of many things, even healing. Don't blow up at the people that love and support you. Your anger is way out of line and miss directed.

Do you owe your brother an apology for bringing Lori into the house? Maybe. He saw through her as Paul and I did and he was probably trying to protect you. If I would have known you better then or you were my brother I would have done what I could to break the relationship up. Lori could not hide her true self from everyone. Make peace with your relatives. They will love you no matter how badly you screw up. It will be tough but in the end it will feel better.

Something is wrong if you are still obsessing about Lori. (Why look for her house from the ridge?)

I wish you much success on your mental health journey. If you can return to the mainland I highly recommend it. Moms is smarter than you think and is worried about your health.

Take care Terrance, I am still watching and praying you will break through these tough times.

Barbara

I realize that I need to do the same thing. I've gone over Lori's life with a fine-toothed comb with the help of Chris. It only confused me more and made me wonder about my sanity. I believe that Barbara is right. There were many people who were able to see through Lori's veneer. But, that is moot now. If I don't look at myself, I may not learn much from my experience with Lori.

I mentioned in the public journal many of my own doubts about myself as well as my inability to show affection at times. After talking with Roland this morning, I saw much more. I really did take Lori for granted. When I drove to Oregon to visit, Lori had already rented a garage space for me and signed us up for the gym. Steph had left for the Summer and Lori had effectively set up a little love nest for us. I knew she wanted me to stay there longer than a week or so. In the time I spent there, I really did not do much except spend time with Lori. We were inseparable. As I've mentioned before, we spent a lot of time making love. Yet, I recall that I felt trapped. Part of the problem was that I was in a foreign place and Lori was the only person I knew. As time went on, I became a little distant. I could feel Lori's control over me and I resented it. She treated me well, however. It's the most fun Summer I've ever had in my life and we didn't do much. Lori often thought that I was not proud of her. She was right. In some sense, I think I had a childish attitude in that I felt that Lori wasn't a real babe (as if I deserve as much). Perhaps I kept my distance because of that. I cannot understand why I would think that. I certainly was extremely sexually attracted to her.

When we eventually moved here, I effectively abandoned her. Everything I did was indicative of that. I know that I sensed a lot of things that has been brought up in the private journal. There were many red flags of incompatibility that popped up. I overlooked them but I also became more distant. I knew what I was doing. When I finally get my wish to separate from Lori, then I want her back. It made no sense. I have reaped what I sowed.

Lori is neither lonely or bitter at this time. She does not acknowledge my existence again, but that's because I am someone from the past. It is I who is lonely and bitter. Lori has truly moved on. Whether she has healed or not is inconsequential. She has been having a great time, she's in love again, she is not alone, and she is experiencing life in a way I won't be able to. Balding Bill has the resources to entertain Lori in ways that I never could. I truly feel inadequate. Whether Lori forgave me or not is also inconsequential. Have I really forgiven her? That is the real question. I may get some satisfaction from writing all of this crap just as Chris did when he told me his woeful tale. But, who is really enjoying life? Lori is, not me or Chris. What does that tell you?

Monday June 14

I was in a funk for most of the day. After I facilitated my classes, I went to the gym. I felt a little better. I went up to the faculty computer nerd room. I ended up having a funny conversation with a couple of faculty, Robert and Lee, about my situation. Robert mentioned that he saw something about women who want to marry rich guys or "marry up." It was a research thesis on hypergamy. So, we looked the subject up on the Web. Sure enough, there was some material. I also ran into a bunch of my former students on the way to Mango's. I have developed an unusual rapport with my students. They treat me almost like a friend. I see the difference in comparison to other professors. I don't know whether that's good or bad.

Moms said that she saw Lori on the bus. Apparently, Lori did not see moms or she just ignored her. Lori must have been going to town to file for unemployment. Since we are on my favorite subject (at least for the private journal), Annie wrote in e-mail:

Yes, your pride may be your enemy. The thing is, you are acting a lot like I used to when I was younger. Its because you are feeling things deeply. Anyway, my Mum used to tell me that I was making the surrender greater than the defeat. It really was true. I used to get sick of hearing that saying but once I stopped to listen, I understood that it was true, and that it was doing me no good. I have many struggles with my pride. What you are going through is dead normal. Heal soon, my brother.

A while ago, I read that Lori had told you that Bill was "not really marriageable." That to me means one of two things. Either he has made it clear that he is not going to marry her, or, he is already married. Just something to ponder. Out of some desperate quest for security, some women will indeed take up with a married man. They delude themselves that the man will leave his wife for them. Thay can't see how they are cheapening themselves. You know, detracting from their integrity. It is very sad. Material possesions do not equal happiness, or love, or security. You know that already.

Nah, it isn't. Its a healing tool. Just ask anyone who has ever broken up how long they obsessed. Everyone lies. People pick at failed relationships---wait, lets not call them failures, because they really weren't, were they? They were just relationships that were not supposed to last forever. Anyway, if people were honest, they would admit that it took them a lot longer to heal than they say. I think the more intelligent you are, the more you analyse things, so it takes a little longer. No big deal. As I said, dull normal. Don't forget that. Remember, I have no ulterior motives. I have nothing to gain by being your virtual homey, and nothing to lose, either. The private journal is most likely doing you a lot of good.

And what, pray tell is abnormal about that? Sheesh, Little Bro', you were in a relationship with her for three years! If you did not still have feelings for her, I think maybe you would have some serious problems. Of course you still do have feelings. Why would you think that was wrong? Sure, if it were 10 years since the breakup and you were still obsessing and naming goldfish after her and all that, yeah, that would be a little off the norm. But its only been a few months. Besides, it has been studied and concluded that it takes men longer to heal from breakups than women. My theory is thats because they are more romantic, and less pragmatic than women. Nothing wrong with that.

Now I am going to suggest something here and after you think about it, it may not seem so farfetched. Consider this. Maybe this relationship gave Lori the chance to be who she really wanted to be. Maybe she really was to some extent the person you knew. People change all the time. And if what Chris said is true, I would really want to be something else if I were her. But maybe after a while her old demons got a hold of her again. It happens. Nobody's fault. So you knew a different Lori who no longer exists. Thats okay.

More from The Forum

Okay, there's more exciting stuff from The Forum. Neal (niall@allover.com) wrote:

Yes, I'm sure it hurt like hell seeing Lori with another guy. I know that feeling of having all those bottled-up 'hurts' suddenly uncorked. It feels like:

- your head is going to explode
- you don't have control over anything or anyone
- you're totally worthless

You've got to redirect your energy somewhere else, and quickly. Hell, you'd be better off going to see Elena do her thing and 'pull' an Anonder afterward than wallowing in the kind of self-doubt you're stuck in right now.

As 'Ahnolt' Schwartzenegger said in Terminator 2 "Time to go. Now." It's time to get back to the mainland. Seeing Lori and B.B. will torment you every time. You're stuck in a destructive cycle of thinking, drinking, imagining what they are doing, and building rage. You need to bust out of this cycle right away:  to do so, you need to make a major change in your life. Get to a new place, with new people (or old friends). It's not at all hard to understand why Lori is hard to get over. However, she will keep popping up with B.B. in tow, and this WILL drive you crazy. Get out of there. Don't let her keep showing up just to disturb you. Move on, and the sooner the better.

Finally, don't fool yourself that Lori is a big winner here. I think she really did love you at the start. (Why else would a materialistic, status-craving woman hang out with someone who was not offering those things?) Somewhere that love was lost, and now, although she is getting money, she has lost her true soul-mate. I am sure she mourns this loss internally. She also knows that she is a fake and living a false life: this too will cause her pain. Most of all, she has lost her daughter. No matter she may have spoken or acted about her daughter, no matter how much she may have been 'in the way', she will be devastated without Steph. As a parent, I can assure you of this. In the dark hours of the night, she will weep because she lost the two people she loved the most. No amount of money, or sex, or anything else will fill that hole in her heart.

I think that your are right when you say that you need to forgive her in order for you to recover. It might help to realize that she has lost some very precious things, and that really, she deserves pity. OK, now take it easy, and 'git outta there'!

You are lucky! The psycho-hose beast has found another victim, and it is not you! You get to have your life back!

Do you ever watch Star Trek, the old classic Trek? Remember the salt monster of M113? That was the one that posed as Dr. McCoy's (God rest DeForest Kelley's soul) old girlfriend and sucked the life out of people. Remember? It was an ugly, horrifying beast that served only its own ends, and used its psychic powers to paralyze its victims by providing pleasing images, right before it killed them. McCoy only escaped at the last second when he realized what a fool he had been, even when the evidence was there all along that this evil creature had used him. Count yourself lucky, and don't look back.

I think you should move to Seattle. That's my hometown, you know. Jonny loves it there, even though he is stuck in San Diego.

For now, get all the ranting and raving out of your system regarding that she-devil. She's going to use all her tricks on him, you can be sure of that. Just imagine what that poor balding fool is going to go through! A mysterious drop in the bank balance, open liquour bottles all over the carpet, that nagging feeling of her unfaithfulness, plus she will use YOU against that balding fool (in order to psyche him out). Yes, balding Bill is in for a ride, the ride the likes of which he's never known. Too bad for him, eh? MUHAHAHAHA!

Just get it together, and take it easy on the firewater, eh my brotha?

Wednesday June 16

Here's another tidbit from Annie:

So don't feel like you are going to do something foolish. I think it would be kinder to you if you did not have encounters with The Fire Water before you see her. It clouds the judgement, and can cause you to do things you really might not have, had you been dead sober.

Well, you really need to....ah....take a disco nap, I think. With some nice girl, maybe who just wants to play for a while. I don't now. Part of the reason that you are suffering is that you went without for so long. Then you had what seems to be the Endless Boinkfest. So of course that figures into the equation. But I think you did love each other. Thats a good thing, and when its gone, of course you miss it, and want it back. Everyone wants to be loved. That desire can motivate people to do some really strange things. Most of them are not mistakes. Thay are just things one decides not to stick with long term.

So, you go have your meeting. Remember, it is rare in life to make any real mistakes. There are just a lot of learning experiences. You know that you may well run into a lot of dramatics. Lori has time to prepare any kind of scenario she wants. But, you don't have to play along with the script. If you were an actor, and you were being paid to do that, then thats another storyt. But this is life, and you have your free will. I think if  I were in your shoes, as hard as it would be to do, I think I would go to my meeting with the inner cautions to Slow Down, Listen and Analyse, Think More, Speak Less. I guess the last two mean to think before I spoke, just to make sure I was not boxing myself in or making unintentional insults or something.

Now look, if you should reconcile, that would not be the worst thing in the world. It might be dangerous, but some people like to play with fire. Remember, you know some unsavoury aspects of Lori's personality. But you also know some good things. I think as a Christian, we should try to focus on the good things. And really, there are men who marry hookers. So? So what? Its their choice, not ours. I think a lot of people would howl with rage and disapointment if you were to go back, knowing what you know. But that is their problem. You are not a video game. I will tell you that I cannot ever trust Lori but then I do not have to deal with her. And, it does not matter whether I trust her or not. (Oh, look, I am turning into Data by not using contractions.)

Hey, that makes me think. Be careful --- what you want from Lori may be your Achille's Heel. But you go, do your thing. You must give yourself the credit that you deserve. I can't see for the life of me why you would not. You are smart, you are experienced (well, I wasn't really thinking in the Jiji Hendrix sense...) but you really do know whats what. Yes it is easy to float along in someone else's wake, but even so, we make our own wakes at the same time. So go, have your meeting. Your friends wish you good luck, what ever that may be, wherever it may lead you.

Thursday June 17

I had all the good intentions in the world when I had called Lori a few days ago. Since it was obvious that she was tight with Balding Bill, I decided to take Roland's advice and offer my forgiveness. I said that I saw her and Balding Bill in the park and it looked like the relationship was going strong. She made some comment that made it seem as though they were having problems. Nonetheless, I told her that it was time for us to initiate some kind of civil closure. Lori was very cordial. She said that her father was visiting and staying at her place along with his long time girlfriend. That's explained the rental car. She said that she couldn't get together with me until Thursday (tonight). She would call me after she returned from the airport as her father was leaving that evening. She suggested that we meet at the Starbuck's for coffee.

This morning I received an e-mail from Lori:

Subject: Meeting...
Date: Thu, 17 Jun 1999 00:54:37 -1000

T

I won't be able to meet you tomorrow (THUR) night. I don't see a meeting in the near future.

Regards,

Lori

I can only speculate at what caused this dramatic shift in personality. I believe that Lori may have had some kind of tiff with Balding Bill. Therefore, she was more open to talk with me. However, chromedome must have called and made up with her, so she changed her mind about the meeting. Rather than explain that she is spending the night with him and having sex with him, she just decided to throw everything in my face and disarm me. There can be no other reason. As Lori is unemployed, her time is running out. If she doesn't get another job, she will be in big trouble. Her number one goal must be to marry Balding Bill. I also believe that she willfully gave up her daughter for him. She has placed all her eggs in one basket. It's too bad. If I were in her position, the last thing I'd do is burn my bridges.

The bad blood between Lori and I will remain until time indefinite. Even though she is in a new relationship, she carries so much hostility from the past. Lori is nowhere near being healed. She will now have to deal with her anger herself. I have no idea how she will hide this dark side of her personality from Balding Bill. It's not my problem. I would have thought that she would be well adjusted by now. I guess not. All of it is her own doing.

If I were in a new relationship, I'd have forgiven Lori and I wouldn't care what she did. In fact, I'd be rather open to talking with her more. I don't see why she has such a problem with me. None of it makes sense. Oh, I should mention that Lori went off on a tirade about she would have to take the bus home tonight from the airport. Come on. So, I went for a walk. Balding Bill's Boss Hog wheels was parked in Lori's carport. You know he wasn't going anywhere. His Summer of Love has begun. Did I call it or what?

Premonitions

What is even more eerie is the fact that three years ago on this exact date (June 17th) at 1am, I arrived in Oregon. It was the first day of my Summer of Love with Lori. We were making love by 2am, which will be about 11pm Hawai'ian time. That is the time as I write this. Can you guess what will be happening tonight? It will be no coincidence.

I have a premonition of something that may never be proven. However, my feeling about it is so strong. I believe that Lori is not entirely drawn by the big money and status. She is particularly drawn to one thing money can buy. Drugs, primarily marajuana and cocaine. I believe that Balding Bill is a stoner from the old days. He probably drinks a lot, too, since I now believe that Lori met him at a bar. Balding Bill and all of Lori's other playmates have been providing her with what she wants. Drugs and booze. History is repeating itself. Lori will do everything to marry Balding Bill including getting pregnant if she has to. The difference between her ex-husband Chris and Bill is big bank. Lori's indulgence in the world of drugs again will preclude us from ever getting back together even as friends. She knows that so she will waste no time with me. It is a sad story. I know this premonition is true. I can't prove but I can feel it. She still has not released a part of my soul.

The End of the Journey

My journey through hell with the handmaiden of the sinister one has officially come to an end. There is nothing more that can be done to repair the damage. I do not expect to even be civil with her past this point. If she were to ever approach me, I will say, "Get out of here, you fucking whore." As for me, I have some deep psychological scars. I have been the victim of a cold and calculating sociopath. She has done nothing but to inflict punishment upon me for the evil that men do. I have no sense of reality at this point in time. Two years of my life have vanished as part of an elaborate ruse. I am currently seeking psychological services as I can no longer deal with my inability to perceive what is real and what isn't. I have been made to feel as though I am less of a man because I have no ability to produce significant income. I have been made to assume the whole burden of the failure of our relationship. The sadistic mind games have been chronicled here. I do not expect to learn any more scandalous information.

As I said, I have decided to seek psychological services during my interim period here. I hope that I will be able to move to Seattle to start a new life there for a few years. Perhaps I'll find another babe up there. I know the signs of a predator like Lori. Now, I have to be careful that I never fall into the handmaiden's lair. There are many more out there like Lori. This will remain a testimony to her. Maybe one day, Balding Bill will stumble across it after he has been reduced to poverty. As for me, I have to go on with the business of healing. Yet, we never know what's in store for us tomorrow. As long as it's a better day than the last.

To be continued ... Go to V.12