Note: This version of the journal is not censored or edited according to normal LoserNet guidelines. It is also not formatted for aesthetics. Please do not read this version of the journal if you feel you will become disillusioned. This journal is not a public journal. There are no links to it from LoserNet. If you read this journal, you agree that it was not publicly available and that you are here by invitation alone. Sharing this information violates this right. This information is considered confidential whether there are embellishments or not. Nothing in this journal should be considered fact, nor should the names or places be considered real.

More thoughts from Barbara. She says:

When I think of forgiveness I think it means with your heart not your mouth. She knows she does not have to seek closure with you because she has never closed anything in her life. She has the alcoholic personality (or drug) where there are loose ends everywhere.

Lori's anger is most likely her contempt for me because I was poor and she gave me sex for free. My whole manhood is now in question. In fact, the longer I ponder this, the more likely I will be impotent soon. That is another reason why I need to seek psychological services. Mind you, I have not been thinking about reconciling with Lori for a while since I suspected she fucked Balding Bill. I don't want that skank back. My language has also degenerated proportionally with my self-esteem. In my mind now, I figure that I will remain a single loser forever because of economics. I will never be able to afford a babe. And, I don't really care to pay for sex. Has Lori ever considered that I rendered my "services" to her for free as well? The whole thing has left a bad taste in my mouth. I have been psychologically traumatized by a sociopath. I've been spent and left to wither away.

Saturday June 19

I talked with Caroll this morning. She is planning to move out of her current place as part of her survival plan. I also called Paul in Seattle and talked with him. We had a longer discussion dealing with a variety of topics. My primary goal is to move out of here as soon as possible. For the sake of my sanity, I must. He also discussed my situation and made quite a few valid points. One thing that Paul has been trying to make clear to me is that my relationship with Lori was not real. He feels that it's essential that I understand that in order to facilitate the healing process. I am not coping well at all as you know. I spent most of the day in a stupor due to the fire water. I also talked with Rod and caught up with the latest from him.

Paul (from Chaminade) called me this afternoon. We ended up going into town and droppin' back a few brewskis at Gordon Biersch and at Brew Moon. We did a "recon" run on the way home. Balding Bill's Mercedes was parked in Lori's carport again at 1am. I am now certain that she has invoked the Summer of Love ritual upon Balding Bill. Why should I care? I don't know. It is just driving home a point that I was just another victim. And, it verifies everything that I have prognosticated. Balding Bill is experiencing extreme sex which will disarm him and make him the next victim of the Black Widow. This is something I had to realize to know for certain to know that I never mattered.

The whole situation is so spooky because I already knew exactly what was going to happen. Re-read my synopsis (see V.11) and you will see how Lori renders her victims useless. I wanted to vomit because I realized how sick this whole thing is. Who was I in this scheme of things? Just another flaccid dick that needed sucking? Balding Bill is essential to Lori's survival. She must marry him. I am drunk and stupified as I write this. I cannot even articulate what I feel. I know exactly how Lori is fucking that idiot into submission. It happened to me. Re-read this journal and see how I became a slave to my libido. Lori is a predator. Oh my God.

My own salvation lies in two possible solutions. I must move to Seattle or I must find a new babe. The latter will never happen so I must really consider the former. Why? Lori has made a mockery of everything. I was just another faceless cock that might have panned out for her. Otherwise, I was just another dick with no void to fill. I have accepted that Lori is fucking Balding Bill in the same way she fucked me three years ago. I just don't know where I fit in. Of course, ultimately, I was truly fucked.

Sunday June 20

My language has really degenerated since the onset of this debacle. The whole mess is getting to me. I have finally sent off my "closure" e-mail to Lori. I hope that, after she reads it, there will be no further contact from her including any cheesy melodramas. [E-mail now appears quoted in her response. See June 21.]

That will forever change my relationship with Lori. We will never deal with each other again in this lifetime. Frankly, there is no reason to. Have you seen anything in the private journal in the last few months that suggests any kind of friendship? I also had replied to Barbara today and made the following comments about this crazy situation:

I'll be honest that I wish I was the one over there boinking away with Lori. However, the reality that Balding Bill has become my surrogate (I being someone else's surrogate, down the line) is compelling and shocking. The fact that Lori has established this level of intimacy so quickly since the breakup is mind boggling. Of course, it's not that mind boggling when compared to how quickly she and I became intimate three years ago. Knowing that should have made it easy to release all of this, but it hasn't. I don't know why but, whatever Lori's technique is, she has created a tremendous subconscious dependency in me. I don't know if it's because of all of the sex or what. Whatever her technique is, it has proven to work. Chris' own words substantiate that. Chris seemed to imply that good sex was the crux of it. I think it's more and I can't place a finger on it. Without the ability to identify what this dependency is, I have no idea how to subdue it. It is the cause of my frustration and I hope a counselor will be able to direct me to it, if not identify it.

My whole self-image has been shattered. I am constantly wondering about stupid things. Is Balding Bill a nicer guy than I am? Is he really more affectionate? Is he better in bed? Am I just a loser? Why did he invest so much in Lori? Why is he so taken by her? This whole debacle has shaken my self-worth. I don't know if I can ever restore any of it.

Monday June 21

Lori replied by e-mail today. She also tried to call but I didn't answer my beloved cell phone. Here's her reply in e-mail with my original message quoted:

This letter has been in the making for a long time and when I finally decide to send it is probably when it is most appropriate. I've tried other tacks but they apparently did not appeal to your sensibilities.

Like calling to say "How's life? Let's grab coffee". Maybe even acknowleding one of my Hellos might have helped.

I think we all know what's going on and what's been going on for a long time.

Who is *we*? More specifically, 'we all'?

Believe me, I've tried to keep the door open but that was never important to you even as friends. At first, I assumed the burden of responsibility for everything that has occured but later it made no sense. I'll also use language here that is more conducive to your comprehension.

Thanks for the compliment.

I don't expect to ever hear from you again after I hit the SEND button for this letter. It doesn't matter to me. Our whole time together has been a fucking elaborate ruse anyway. What else would explain its insignificance to you?

Maybe that cranial rectal inversion you are suffering from? I mean, I have nothing but time for elaborate ruses....

As I said in a prior letter, I've gone through considerable risks to find out more about you in order to understand what went wrong with our relationship. One of those avenues was Chris, as you know.

Risks to whom? That would be me. Can I thank you enough?

It turns out that he has wanted to speak with me for a long time. He never asked me anything. The whole conversation was an emotional catharsis for him. Thus, I realized that your fear of me talking with him had nothing to do with me giving out information. It was vice versa. After 2 1/2hours, I was in shock and some things made me sick. I did not want to believe a thing I heard.

You shouldn't; he's a compulsive liar. But that was MY hell and after $68,000 I have a right to want out.

And, believe me, he covered everything including what you used to call "the ugly black furniture" to the type of champagne you like,etc. No stone was left unturned. I was in deep pain because he also predicted exactly what would happen and how it would happen. Sure enough, that's what happened. Fuck. That's why it's time for me to put an end to this charade at least from my end.

I know you've been fucking the pilot for a while.

No, you don't. You *think* I have been.

Your people talk too much. Maybe they feel sorry for me. I can't believe that you tried to bullshit me with crap about "dating other guys." What a crock of shit.

I *am* dating other guys. That was Kirk you saw me in the park with.

I'm glad that you got what you want: money, status and social validation.

I got that all on my own, not dating anyone. It's my 'money', status and social validation that gets me dates.

Anyway, I know you are doing the same thing to him that you did to me three years ago (to the exact date of June 17th).

Wasn't that June 14th?

You follow the same pattern in your conquests of men. You inundate them with sex (i.e., fuck their brains out) to develop a subconscious dependency upon you.

Except I haven't had the chance to inundate him with sex yet (we are still talking about Bill, right? Or have we opened the conversation to everyone I am dating?)

Oh, I know it well. I am still recovering from that. However, I'm going to remember it as a beautiful moment in time. Nothing more, nothing less. I've known that you were involved with the pilot for a long time. You decided to choose him over me months ago.

I have been dating Bill and others for 7 months now.

That you made clear with obvious actions. I never had a chance. Even your little game of the other day where you claimed you had to take the bus home from the airport and all that other bullshit. You should have just said, "I already made arrangements to fuck the pilot tonight." [Did you tell him how you only like to fuck at night in the dark and in the missionary position?]

Actually, that was Kirk who picked me up at the airport. He did so to expedite my meeting with you but I really didn't want to meet with you after the morning conversation. Your lack of respect for my privacy and consideration for my feelings made me just want to hang up on you. When I say I can't talk that means NOW, not twenty-minutes-after-you-have-badgered-me.

Instead, you turn the tables on me and lay some kind of guilt trip about how I'm pressuring you and how I should have asked you out for coffee. Your usual scripted tirades.

Maybe you should LISTEN to one once in a while. Helpful information in there.

Friends don't do that to friends.

They also don't put disparaging and untrue things about them up on the web. Speculation, assumptions, innuendo... nice gift.

You burned your bridge with me, not that you will ever need me. I'm broke and unemployed so I'm really of no use to you.

HELLO!!! You were broke and unemployed when I MET you! It was after two plus years of your cold heartless unfeeling bullshit that I left.

You have your rich pilot whom I'm sure that you are trying damned hard to marry. He's your meal ticket.

You're right. I'll never get by on my salary...

I'll tell you, you two do NOT make a cute couple.

I'll share your sentiments with Kirk.

It's obvious what you are there for. I just hope that it lasts and everything works out for you. Frankly, I don't care if I'm proven wrong.

Moot point.

If you actually had the courage to tell the truth for once, you could inform me that I was totally wrong about everything. But, as I said, I doubt that I'll ever hear from you. What does that say? We came a long way, Lori. I truly loved you whether you believe it or not. I'm sorry that I am not a financial success.

Be sorry that you are a selfish, prideful, insensitive, uncaring human being with no compassion, consideration or tolerance for others.

You have found your true soul mate now.

I have yet to find my 'soul mate'. I am merely dating, nothing more, nothing less.

I hope that you will learn how to be truthful with him. No one is a good liar. All the red flags I've seen were confirmed by other testimony.

You really should test the reliability of your 'sources'

I did a lot of things wrong. I admitted my mistakes and apologized for them. I was willing to work things out and go the extra mile. You threw it all back in my face. That's okay. You already had the pilot in mind.

FYI I met the pilot in November, we stared dating in December, you and I broke up in AUGUST.

I hope that you don't repeat your own mistakes again, which you have yet to admit. How long can you hold your act together? Two years? Isn't that the usual amount of time? I hope that the pilot keeps shining up his armor. If he doesn't, you'll go through the same thing again. You're in a win-win scenario now. If he marries you, he could lose a lot if you divorced. And, if by some reason you got pregnant,

-a real impossibility after my hysterectomy-

would he not be yoked to you for a long time like Chris? I guess my poverty saved me.

Saved you from what?... And I might add Chris will never pay in child support what I had to pay to get out of that marriage.

You blame me for the loss of your daughter but Chris has known stuff for a long time.

*Stuff*?? He has known Stuff? What *stuff*? There was nothing to know, nothing to dig up, nothing he could find to try to wrestle my child away. He needed someone to TELL him things.

He mentioned something about a private detective. I believe that you willfully gave your daughter up to pursue the pilot more aggressively.

I let Steph go back to OR because I will not be able to take care of her while I recuperate from surgery, among other reasons.

Steph was getting in your way.

Kirk enjoys taking Steph along on dates. She was hardly 'in the way' Paul let's her come sail with us. Need I go on?

You can try to shirk the past and push for the Cinderella life. Most times it just doesn't happen. You seem to think it's possible so I wish you the best. However,you have left a lot of destruction in your wake. Do you have any remorse for that?

Let's talk about a lack of remorse here for a moment Terrance. Do YOU have any remorse about sending that child back to an abusive man who beats people? Women, children, smaller people? No, you felt 'justified' because you were "searching for the truth" and if it didn't match up with what YOU considered truth you went to another source, until you found a *truth* like you wanted it to be.

I had more to say, but why waste my words on deaf ears? Maybe one day I'll be successful but for you it was too long to wait. As your old e-mail signature said, "I want it all, I want it now, and I want it for free." You certainly believed that.

"I want it ALL, I want it NOW, I want it to last FOREVER and I want it TAX FREE.

I might add, I EARN it. You remember how you felt the need to announce my salary on the Web and talk about how I was Big Money Grip? Now all of a sudden I have to marry someone elses money? Since when?

As I said, I'm open to hear anything other than scripted tirades or to play games that will be denied as games. You should consider my offer.

What offer?

The sooner you come to grips with reality, the more successful your relationship with the pilot will be. If you repeat the same scripts that you did with me and my predecessors, you will have the same results.

Aww, why the fuck am I wasting my words? As I said in the previous e-mail, I really did love you and everything will remain a fond memory. I didn't pull any punches here, so I know I'll never hear from you. I thought that I meant a lot more to you but that was all rhetoric. You take care of yourself. Learn what real love is and move forward.

Advice you should heed...

Maybe I'll see you in another lifetime. We can have a beer and laugh about all of this, eh? Till then ...

The obligatory guilt trip... one last time. Maybe I'll just see you down at Foodland and you should just try acting like an adult. Can't hurt.

I have discovered a tidbit while I was ruminating on this matter. I recall that I used to talk to Lori via computer using UNIX-Talk before she drove down to Convalescent City. I am certain that we discussed moms' house and its worth. [Previously, I thought I mentioned it sometime after we met.] It was part of a real estate conversation we were having. I told her what the property was worth at the time, and that my bro and I were the sole heirs. I also mentioned that my folks were getting old. This may have been the impetus for Lori to initiate real contact with me. Upon arriving here in Hawai'i, she discovered that my parents may live for several years. It was too long to wait.

As for me being a "selfish, prideful, insensitive, uncaring human being with no compassion, consideration or tolerance for others," we should ask my students about that. How much time does Lori devote to help others? Here's e-mail I received from two of my (locals) students today:

Talofa.......Alooooooooooooha!!! How's it Tee? I hope you're not stressing out because of that filthy so called BITCH!!! ( You know who I'm talking about)... She's the reason why you have to leave the island ..... I hate her too .... I really need you here so I can have you for my EDP 103 instructor. hehehehehe Please don't go ..... It'll be really SUCKY without you. I hate MR. Higuchi from the very bottom of my toes. But if you leave, then I'll have no choice but to see that punk ass nerd again ..... And that would really piss me off. Yo! I hope you don't mind me calling you Teach. for now .... hehehahahahawhoowhoo ..... Oh! well I gotta give the chance over to Qwen now aight but I'll see you tomorrow in class. By the way, don't even give a damm about your ex. She's just your ex so snap out of it!!! You can do better then that hoochie. Just in case you still have feelings toward her .... Then I suggest that you better follow this poem I made only for you...

If you really love her
Set her free
And if she comes back to you
It was meant to be
But if she doesn't
Then you can tell her
Ssssssssssuck It hehehehehehe

Well Tee ... I must get going now aight. I have a class right now but I just dropped in to say hi and to let you know that there's a student here in HBC that really needs you .... The point is .... She wants to A's all her computer classes ....... hehehehehehehehehe

Your best student,
Fale

Hey! Tee ... It's meeh the one and only queen. Well I hope you start feeling better real soon. I really think your a cool instructor. I think if more instructors were open like yourself it would be much easier for us students to communicate with them. So far I'm really enjoying your class. I look forward in taking more computer classes with you. Hopefully this will be my last time taking this class. With you I'm pretty sure I'll do well this quarter. Just continue to keep your head up Tee and pray a little bit and I know you'll do fine. Wells I'm sorry but I gotta let you go for now. So until the next time you take care of yourself and God Bless!!!!!!

Sincerely Yours,
Gwenda

I don't expect Lori to move. I have a feeling that Kirk is moving in with her. Lured into the handmaiden's lair. I don't envy the poor fool. He may front me when he sees me because Lori will have poisoned his mind. I'll laugh and tell him that he'll be standing where I am in about two years. This is my farewell to Lori. She was too stupid to realize what she had. Instead, she let her paranoia grow. Even as I saw her only three times (at her initiation) in the last five months, I have become an even bigger monster to her. Do you see the hatred that has developed? She will continue to live a lie and maintain a cloud of deception for the rest of her life. I will just become another past monster as each successor takes over. When will you ever be happy, Lori? When will you see that we are just mortal men? When will you learn to love? When will you be free of your fears and anger? Take care of yourself. I loved you in our imaginary life. Good-bye.

Tuesday June 22

Here's my response to Annie's e-mail that I received today:

Thanks for writing and also for seeing through Lori's veneer. Note, too, that she has not accepted responsibility for anything that went wrong. It was all my fault. Now she says I was cold and heartless for 2+ years, which is the whole time we were together. She accused me of that one other time and I told her that she "must be fucking stupid" if she already knew I was jerk when she first met me. Why drive down to meet me two more times? Why call me all the time? Why invite me to stay the Summer?

Its likes she's insane or something. Or that she just doesn't give a damn about anything anymore. I think I am glad that she replied, because she just reinforced the fact that she is acting like an empty shell. How could you have stayed with such an inconsistant person for so long? It says a lot about the goodness and faith of you. I know, you had your jerk moments too.

I don't think she ever has. Lori is a good actress. She can hide her anger for a long time with a good act.

But she sounds like one big callous. I can't believe some of the things she said, like even down to the "fact" of her boyfriend driving her home to meet you. As if.

This is a real insult to my intelligence. This was the first night she had alone without her daughter or her father visiting. She wanted to have sex with Kirk, who I thought was Bill. She just tried to guilt me and blow some smoke to cover her tracks.

Also, she said you broke up in August. I think I remember it being October. Which one was it. Well, I guess it doesn't matter. I think well, I don't know what I think. I feel so sorry for her. How could anybody live like that? She seems so deluded. But also I feel like "ick," when I think of her. Living the scuzz life. Oh well. We can't make anybody live by our scripts.

It was closer to November, when Caroll visited. When we returned from Mau'i, Lori went in for surgery. I nursed her during the recovery. We were still having sex at the end of the month of October.

With Lori, one never knows the truth. She tries to blame me for her giving up her daughter. How can one phone conversation with Chris do that, especially since he did all the talking? She is really sick, Annie. I believe that the stress of unemployment and the hysterectomy is going to do her in. Kirk is a fool. He will be the enabler to play into Lori's hands. That is why she must lure him into her lair. He must move in with her. I've mentioned this observation before. As it is her house (Even though he'll pay rent, it will be established that she was there first. Subliminal.), she will have control. Sex will disarm him and make him more pliable.

I am still far from healed but, as I learn more, I'm getting better. Thanks for listening and giving feedback. I appreciate it. Take care.

Okay, so now you got your closure ... MOVE ON.

As far as you are concerned, she's dead to you .... a memory of some good times, never to be revisited. You can grieve, just make sure it's only THAT!

One can clearly read from her email that she is still lying and manipulating, so DON'T FALL FOR IT. LEAVE IT THE HELL ALONE!

Just be done with it. Make your plans to move on. Seattle is nice. It sounds like Hawaii just isn't where you need to be at. Moms is the only reason to be there, and it seems like she thinks it would be better for you to get out of a rut.

time to get your shit together, brah, kayden?!

Wednesday June 23

My premonition about Kirk moving in with Lori has apparently come true. She has him under her total control. Worst, they both live only a stone's throw away. Lori is truly the handmaiden of the sinister kahuna. I have no choice now in my decision. I must move to Seattle if the opportunity comes up. This comes as a big blow to my sanity. I saw Lori walking home from Kuapa Kai as my bus went by this afternoon. Moms also said that she saw Lori earlier today on the bus that comes back from Waikiki. She ignored moms. So, I know she's still out of work. That only means someone else is paying the bills (aside from Chris). Who might that be? Incidentally, who is paying for the hysterectomy? Re-read Lori's e-mail response from the other day and see who really is the chronic liar.

For the sake of the record, I should also relate in detail what happened when Lori and I supposedly got engaged. I include this, not just for historical purposes, but this journal may become part of my counseling. Lori always told me that she wanted to marry me but she knew that "[I] will not marry [her]." She also told me things like, "I want to grow old with you," and "I am yoked to you." So, one day, I just said that she can go shopping for rings. I wanted to us to get married as soon as possible. That was last Summer. Lori had a shocked look on her face. I was perplexed because I thought she wanted to get married. She then told me that she had to think about it. Later, she said that she didn't want to get married right away because of her taxes and that she wanted to give Steph time to adjust to the news. It was Lori who set the date for January 9th, a full six months away. In retrospect, I now see what happened. Lori only gave me rhetoric because she fully didn't expect me to commit. She was already planning to break up with me. However, this changed the script. She went along with the engagement process and scripted the final melodramatic outcome.

Another tidbit for the record. Lori's friend Anne works hard. She doesn't make much money but she earns an honest living. When we were discussing gym memberships, Lori made a comment that struck me as haughty. Anne goes to a gym downtown. Lori said, "If Anne can afford it on her pay, then it must be reasonable." The way she said it made me sick. That's why I must record this. It only serves to substantiate that Lori only thinks about money. Why else would she end up with a homely bastard like Kirk? Did you say 'Mercedes'? Why didn't things work out with the pilot? I'd say that she found out indirectly that he would slap her with a pre-nuptial agreement. And, she can't date Balding Bill anymore. Kirk wouldn't like it.

It's going to take a lot of energy for me to make it through the Summer. Paul and Barbara have suggested that I just move back to the mainland and make a concerted effort to find anything there. I may have to consider that option now.

Thursday June 24

I was called in once again to the Dean's office. The espionage is getting out of hand. Apparently, people are turning me in to the administration for everything including going out to lunch with Chandamei and Cherie. We did go out to lunch again today, however. I also received a call from the consulting firm in Seattle. I will be making arrangements for another phone interview next week. The time for a decision is coming up. The teaching situation has gotten out hand. Maybe my call is to move on. I really don't want to be around here knowing that slimeball Kirk is fucking Lori just a few minutes away from here. I have discussed the situation with moms. She seems to understand my plight. However, I still have time to decide. I hate to say it but my decision will be weighted heavily on whether Lori does stay in Hawai'i Kai past June 30th.

Still no counseling services. I could be totally insane before I can get someone to see me. Sheesh! No wonder there are so many psychos on Fort Street. They are probably still waiting for an appointment. Well, the fire water will have to suffice as my medication in the interim.

Friday June 25

Today was the last day for my class at the university. I won't have any more classes until September. The business college will tide me over until then. I talked to a psychologist today. Since I don't have any medical coverage, it will cost me $75 per session if I elect to go into therapy. I may not have any choice as I am already losing my mind. I briefly explained the situation to the psychologist. If only she could have read the private journal. I cannot understand why I am still losing it over Lori. She has treated me like a piece of dung. She has lied repeatedly and played countless mind games with me. I should be happy to be out. However, as I've stated before, Lori was very skilled in creating a dependency in me. I have a craving for her. It's like a magic spell. I have read all of the crap in the private journal that she done to me over and over again. That's the whole purpose of this journal. But, the craving is still there. It's sick. I lived with Susan for seven years. I was over that relationship in about eight months (although I spent ten years in a drunken stupor). I did not have a craving for Susan after the breakup like I do with Lori. What the hell is it? It's drivng me nuts! Is it because I am old and desperate?

I also discussed the fire water situation. The psychologist called it "self-medication." Oh, I know it well. It's the only way that I can deaden the craving. I cannot even explain it. I don't want to resume a relationship with Lori. The closest analogy to the feeling I can think of is that I want to hold her tight next to me and have our bare flesh touch. I'm not even talking about sex. I'm just talking about the sheer physical contact of bare flesh. Skin to skin. I want to feel her soft breasts pressed against my chest. I want my hands to run along her back and then to grasp her buttocks firmly. I want us to embrace like that for an eternity. What is this about? Why do I have this craving?

I think I'm beginning to see the answer to one question. I have to get out of here quickly. I also have to find a new babe immediately. I have to break the spell because it is a kind of voodoo. Take a look at Lori's pictures above and in other volumes of the private journal. [Pictures have been removed from public journal.] Does she appear to be some kind of goddess who could invoke such a spell? Then, how did she do it? And, how is she doing it to that idiot Kirk? Why couldn't that babe Clare lure me into her arms like that? So, once again, I had to prescribe some "self-medication" at my favorite pharmacy, Mango's.

Saturday June 26

Maybe I really am a "selfish, prideful, insensitive, uncaring human being with no compassion, consideration or tolerance for others" as Lori claims. That's why I am subjected to all the venom. Anyway, I have yet to forgive Lori formally. I will do that right here, right now. You are forgiven, Lori. I've had time to think about my own participation in this debacle. I found that I really did abandon Lori. When she moved into her own place, I never moved in there or even spent the vacations with her. I ended the relationship a long time ago implicitly. I gave in to all the pressure as I detailed earlier including my stupid "time of reckoning." There is nothing that can change the course of history now. As she has allegedly forgiven me, I will accept that on face value. However, I see Lori as being extremely confused by her own rhetoric. For example, in one breath she blames me for sending her child back to an abusive man and, in another breath, she admits that she sent Steph home because of the "surgery, among other reasons." Other "reasons" being Kirk, I presume.

Can I finally come to forgive myself? I don't know. Judging by the fire water consumption, I'd say no. I am still assuming a lot more responsibility than I should. That is the sole reason I have been considering the counseling sessions. I am overwhelmed by guilt and remorse. But, there appears to be no absolution for me. I am condemned to my own hell, as it were. I did seek out the truth, but not at Lori's expense. I believe that I have a good portion of the truth now. Neither Lori and I are perfect. However, we are incompatible because we have divergent lifestyles. Lori did want more from me. That something was an opulent lifestyle that I could never attain. She has that now in the form of Kirk. For me, I will continue my goal of saving my resources and retiring early. If I find a babe, that will be nice. If I don't, I may end up losin' it. Does it matter? What purpose does my existence serve anyway?

I suppose that it does not matter whether my relationship with Lori was real or not. Our first year was the best year I've ever had in my life. I cannot even bring myself to discard the pictures from that year. When I was away from Lori, I cried many times as I looked through that little photo album she put together for me. If we had stayed in Oregon, things probably would have worked out fine. Of course, that's purely conjecture or wishful thinking. Things have changed. We have changed. I have to let go. Gradually but surely. I also have to let go of my dependence on the fire water. I have to regain some semblance of my life again because Lori is never coming back. And, I'll never ask her to return.

Sunday June 27

I was pretty much losin' it today. So, I got on the phone and called a few more homeys. Today I talked with Kevin (cyclist@flash.net). I'm glad he took the time to humor me because I am serious when I say I am losin' it. We talked about the situation with Lori. Kevin said that I should be happy to be out of that relationship. I am, but I am also suffering from the side effects of the craving. I am still having a lot of difficulty with knowing that Mercedes Boy is doing the wild thing with Lori just up the street. Kevin seems to think that moving to the mainland may be my only hope. He's right.

Moms found out from one of Lori's neighbors that Kirk has not moved in yet. He is apparently spending almost every night of the week there. The other nights, Lori is over at his place. So, Lori has narrowed her dating choices down to one since Monday. The neighbor also mentioned that Kirk stopped by and dropped off some packages from Liberty House. He must be spending a lot of dough on Lori. No wonder she decided on him. I'd say that she's hooked him. Moms also said that Lori is a "very attractive woman." She noticed that several guys were checking Lori out on the bus the other day. Lori was always a babe to me. I guess I was pretty fortunate. I was able to enjoy a nice time with a real babe and do the wild thing to the extreme without losing my shirt. Mercedes Boy may not be as fortunate.

Monday June 28

More feedback from The Forum. Annabelle (Annabelle.Parker@bureau.knaw.nl) wrote:

I think you were in a 'trance' for a long time, like when one is badly addicted to someone else. I think you have come a long way and that it shows your growth and therefore character. I hope you can soon leave behind you some anger and start relaxing a bit more, creating a world of your own again.

Your relationship sounds to me like a sort of 'groupie' thing. having worked for several radiostations over the past 14 years (pff where is the time!) one occasionally hears about these 'fans' who are attracted to fame. With your journal about your lonely life, you attracted readers who wanted to 'save' you maybe, especially when you stressed the point of the 'virgin' side of things. This is a thought I was having when you caught up with a reader (=Baby). For the rest, maybe Lori just does not want people/friends to come up too close to her, because she is afraid she may have to reveal herself or so. That's why sex is a good intimacy, although in a relationship you cannot really hide yourself from the other... (unless you get into fights aall the time), But I do not know her personally, so I cannot fairly say a lot about her.

About addiction to sex, well, maybe you will find another friend and enjoy it with her, so that this all looks like a dream in the past, which you do not want to live again. Don't compare, just enjoy!

I've been following the saga since the loser upstairs days and became very suspicious when L entered your life - but I'd always suspected that you were holding back a lot from the online journal, I know I would; so it was hard to know what was really happening. It's really easy when you're lonely though to miss signs that under normal circumstances should have set sirens off and sent you running; I've been there myself and was nearly lured into the lair of a she-devil. Later, spent a while under the heavy influence of the "fire water". You've probably heard this a million times already - but you're lucky that you found out before it was too late. If it means anything, the best thing I found was the geographical separation from the root of the problem. It's too easy to think to yourself "self, what the &%$#? She's just a mile away and %$#*ing someone else". Too damn infuriating to me. I got lucky and she moved to Colorado. Your friends in Cali seem like some of them can help to provide a good support system. Maybe that trip you were talking about isn't such a bad idea.

I made tentative reservations to leave for Cali on Friday. I talked with Kevin on my beloved cell phone and it seems to be okay with him if I visit. Tammy will also be there. I am worried that I will be intruding. As I stood up on the Koko Head trail, I looked down and saw the pud's Mercedes parked in Lori's carport. "Do you still love her?" Kevin asked. I was almost too ashamed to answer until I realized that it was a rhetorical question. What else could explain why I am locked in this vortex of stupidity?

Tuesday June 29

Word from da 'hood says tht Lori hasn't been around since Thursday although I spotted pud's Mercedes yesterday. There is a possibility that Lori has gone in for her operation. I don't know whether she is having a radical or laparoscopic hysterectomy, but I am sure that she has been traumatized by the whole situation. I remember when she had surgery last year for a small tumor. I've known that she has had a lot of problems during her period. She is extremely volatile. She could also be prone to cancer ever since the tumor of last year. I cannot even begin to imagine the psychological ramifications of that kind of surgery. I empathize with her although she would never believe it. Although we are no longer friends, I wish her a speedy recovery. I hope that pud is taking good care of her. This will be his biggest test. Lori is very protective of her womanhood and she will attack anything or anyone who threatens it. For now, I bury the hatchet and wish her the best.

To be continued ... Go to V.13