Hammer
Thursday March 25

I met with Romero again today. We had a lot of catching up to do. He has started up his own construction firm. We had breakfast at the Spirit of Convalescent City, as restaurant at the airport, and then we took a tour of the Romero empire. Words cannot describe how huge the Romero empire is. I was a little woozy today, though, because I polished off a whole bottle of the Hammer.

Tom, Paul and I took a ride up Highway One to Ragged Point, just north of San Simeon. Paul is a student of mine at Chaminade. He's also a client of Matt's. It's a small world. On the way back, we stopped in Cambria and observed Happy Hour at Mustache Pete's. We dropped Paul off in town. Later, Tom and I met The Bull and The Master downtown for Farmer's Market. We walked around for a while and ran into Paul. He joined us for dinner at McClintock's Saloon. We ended up at Starbuck's for coffee. To top off the evening, Tom and I watched another great Jerry Springer episode.

I have really enjoyed this trip because I spent some quality time with my old friends. We had a great time since I was not preoccupied with my situation. However, I am not really looking forward to returning to Hawai'i. I have no choice so I must come up with some contingencies or I will remain a victim of circumstance. I have learned more about myself on this trip and I hope to use this information to make some important changes. We'll leave that for the "journal of the mind."

The spirit of Convalescent City has affected me. I have not felt so relaxed since the trip to Maui back in October. Of course, the weather isn't as nice as Hawai'i. I was supposed to head north to San Jose this afternoon but I put it off until tomorrow. Can you blame me? Tom and I hung out for most of the day. We did absolutely nothing. We ended up at the Firestone Café for for dinner. The place was extremely crowded. I noticed a familiar face in the crowd. It was one of the Highland Homeys, JD. He told me that Rod was still down in LA and he's enjoying the stud life down there. Later, I dropped by Big John's place. We also caught up on the latest between us.

I have been giving much more serious thought about my bogus writing career. I may resume my writing and finish my former collaborative book project. I also have a possible new book project. The "journal of the mind." That's right. I believe that the "journal of the mind" would make a good psychological thriller. Why do I want to write again? I need to break out of the ranks. However, I have to get my creative juices flowing. Writing takes a lot of energy. As you can tell from this journal, that energy is no longer present.

Tom and I had a cup of coffee at Starbuck's for the last time on this trip. I drove to San Jose and arrived there about noon. I managed to extend my car rental agreement for another day since I was still covered on the weekly rate. I spent a couple of hours talking with John. Then, I drove down to Morgan Hill and met with Neal (niall@allover.com) briefly. He was working on a major project so I didn't stay long.

I have been giving my writing career even more thought. I need to make big bank immediately because I have to check out of this nonsense. If I can publish a bestseller, then I can retire permanently. I won't even have to worry about babes. I'll just hire an entourage of babes. There won't be any need for the wild thing. After all, I'm a monk. What do I know about the wild thing? I should have concentrated on my writing when I had a lot of time. I can't help that I'm stupid. I'm only human. As you know, I will no longer have a writing partner. I will write alone.

John and I spent most of the day nerding out. You know what that means. Yep, computers. We didn't get to sleep until very late. John got me up at 5am this morning. We drove to the airport. John sat and talked with me for a while. Then, we said goodbye. The flight to back to Hawai'i was uneventful. I was a little despondent that I was returning to absolutely nothing. Of course, moms is there but I'm sure you know what I meant.

My homey Rod had called when I was in Cali. The sad part is that he is also in Cali and, had I known, we would have been able to meet. Rod is still in LA so I know that I have a reason to go down there next time. He's also talking about returning to Convalescent City. I believe that there will be a day when all of us return to Convalescent City. Well, not all of us. Just the people who count.

It looks as though the drama that dominated my life for the past few months is drawing to a close. The ending was both painful and confusing. I will continue to ask the same questions for some time even though there are no answers. I am coming to an understanding that life is much more complex than an engineering problem. The intricate balance that makes up what we call the social fabric is easily disrupted or torn. Lives and loves can cease to exist at the drop of a hat. It's all a matter of biology. Even with technology, we humans have never conquered the biology of life. It's more than that. It's the biology of being. The spirit or life force that comprises our soul. Love is a bridge between our souls. But, what is it? Is it a concept? Is it a form of energy? Why does it disappear?

It is within the feeble thinking of humans to attempt to quantify love. Hence we have attached conditionals such as money to determine a non-intrinsic value of love. We attempt to quantify what we don't understand. We attach arbitrary scales to such values in order to tame the beast. We can then approximate what amount of force is necessary to subdue it. This is where life has gone awry. We have lost the essence of being. Now, we must restore it.

I am gradually reinstating the journal, albeit cautiously. It is very sad for me to have to look back at these recent times and see that my life was a hoax. It wasn't real. No, I didn't make up these stories. In fact, I wasn't aware of the charade until a few weeks ago. The person who has the answers will not tell them to me. All I know is that I have been a pawn in a power game that makes absolutely no sense. However, I have pieced together enough information to create a likely mosaic of the events and background. I assure you that it makes for some interesting reading. That is what I refer to as the "journal of the mind." I have since taken a scalpel to this journal and removed all of the significant details. However, there was never enough information in the journal to really understand what was happening. I will probably edit the journal once again to make the past three years more pristine. That's the way I want to remember those times.

Nonetheless, none of it is the real truth. As I said before, there is truth and then there is reality. Reality is relative. In time, the real truth will surface. It is a shocking chronicle of debauchery and deception. For now, it is time to move on. It is time to forget the unsavory past. Let's just assume that there was a happy ending for now.

I have been looking for the kitty in the park for the last few days. However, the kitty was not there. The last time I saw the kitty was before my trip to Cali. I suspect foul play. Since I fed the kitty almost every night, it began to wait for me at the place I usually feed it. Last night, I looked around for about fifteen minutes. No kitty. It is kind of sad to me. I have now lost the kitty that was once my only friend. Animals give true unconditional love. Of course, I rewarded the kitty with Western Family cat food. Too many things have changed in my life in the last few months. Now this.

Sometimes it seems as though I am fixated on my own stupid problems. They are really so trivial compared to what people around the world are going through. I give thanks for the good life I lead. Today, as I write this, there are many people suffering even more so in Kosovo. Their tribulation is much greater than mine. I pray for them and hope they will have the strength to continue. Finally, many thanks to Tiina (tiina@uiah.fi) and Ulla (ulla.riihela@hit.fi) for brightening up my days with virtual greeting cards!

It seems as though the world just changes too fast for me. One minute something is there, the next minute it is gone. So was the case with the kitty in the park. Now, Anonder has discontinued his journal. In a way, it is a fitting end of an era. I believe that it is time for this journal to go the same route. I would like to thank everyone who has been with me on this strange journey for the last few years. Many of you are like family to me and I will miss having you watch over my shoulder as it were. LoserNet will continue in archive form to time indefinite. There may be updates to other portions of the site but, for the time being, the journal will be no more. Sure, there is still the "journal of the mind." I ask all of you to stay in touch with the ol' lavahead, if possible. If not, please have a safe and pleasant journey of your own. Goodbye to all of you and may God bless you all.

Due to my fragile mental state, this journal will be temporarily off-line. The "journal of the mind" will continue. If you have questions, comments or concerns, or you wish to receive a subscription to the "journal of the mind," please request by e-mail. The regular journal has returned as the Lost Journal^tm series (not to be confused with the "journal of the mind"). There will be much to catch up on. Please refer to the Index. Thank you.