The Loser Living Upstairs
[Restored to Original by The Scriptorium]
It's the Adventures of America's Favorite Loser! Yes, he's a
loser! He's a loser, and he lives upstairs! Oooooooh .... he's a loser,
yes, he's a loser, and he's a neighbor of mine! (sing-along)
Loser: The Early Days
I was trying
to get some sleep that night because I had to go to work the next day.
Loser had moved in that afternoon, and he and his buddy "stooge" were setting
up his stud "palace" most of the day. Loser decided it was time to vacuum
his palatial manor. It was 2:30 in the morning.
I got out of bed and went upstairs. I had to pound
on the door because the vacuum cleaner was loud. Loser answered. I apologized,
if can you believe it, for having to come up there. I mentioned that it
was 2:30 in the morning. He said nothing and closed the door. At least
he stopped vacuuming.
I seen him around a few times and tried to say
hello. No reply. It was then that I figured out that he was a loser.
Loser had no friends for three months. He spent
much of his time pacing around his apartment at a slow, laborious pace.
He never seemed to go anywhere. He was always in the "palace." He never
received phone calls, although he called somebody (probably "stooge").
As he talked on the phone, he would pace around in his usual fashion, talking
in his usual monotone voice. He apparently has no babes either. Well ...
what can you expect? He's a loser!
I began to realize that Loser had no car either.
Yet from what I saw of him, he appeared to think he was a stud. If he believes
that, then he needs to get some Thorazine. He has been here most of the
vacations. It is the same old thing everyday. Pace around. Sit down for
a while. Phone "stooge." Pace around and talk to "stooge." End call. Sit
down for a while. Get up and pace around some more ad nauseum.
I discovered that Loser paces around in a circle,
apparently in clockwise rotation. Maybe later on he will reverse rotation
to add some spice in his life. Whoa! Maybe not. We don't want too much
excitement up there now, do we?
Loser finally found some friends, most likely another
group of "stooges" who look up to him. They probably think that Loser can
set them up with babes. Who's zoomin' who? One night Loser and his "stooges"
were up all night talking and pacing around the "palace." I suspected that
maybe it was a drop-the-soap party. After all, Loser knows no babes!
Chronicles of the Clueless Man
The excitement of Loser and his adventures in his "palace" are just too
much to leave to conjecture.
Friday February 24, 1995
Loser woke up early as usual and took his twenty minute shower. Then, silence.
The slow, laborious clockwise pacing began and continued until he had to
leave for classes. A short phone call was made as is done every morning.
Either he was calling "stooge" or he was checking in with his mommy. I
left and did not get in until after 11pm. I thought that Loser might have
gone out somewhere. Within a few minutes Loser got up and started pacing
around. It is Friday night, for goodness sakes! Finally, he either sits
down or goes to bed. Nope, he's back up again. He has to take a whiz. Now
he's going to bed. Goodnight!
Saturday February 25
Loser got up before ten and took his shower. He called up somebody, probably
"stooge." After the call, he left. Peace and quiet all day. I left for
the gym at four. I get back in at about 10:30pm. I hear Loser laughing
and rolling around on the floor. I thought he was on the phone again, but
it turns out that he and some "stooge" are up there laughing and rolling
around on the floor together. It sounded like a Vaseline party, and I thought
that the wild thing might start up at anytime. After 15 minutes of rolling
around on the floor and laughing, they get up and leave the "palace."
Loser and "stooge" have been gone for over an hour. Baywatch
comes on soon. And you know who is on, yep, Pam Anderson and Yasmine Bleeth.
Maybe I'll be able to see it clearly, since Loser apparently interferes
with my reception. I hypothesize that the meat between his ears is probably
absorbing the VHF transmission, like some poorly designed double-stub tuner.
It is already past 2:30 in the morning, and Loser has not come back. Well,
I just hope the Vaseline party stays at "stooge"'s place. Not even. Loser
returns to the "palace" as we speak and resumes pacing around for a while.
Time to take a whiz! He should sit down on the throne to unload his bladder
as the whole building can hear Loser taking a whiz. What the hell is Loser
doing up there now? Choking the chicken, or what? Finally! It's bedtime
Sunday February 26
Loser, O, Loser! Where art thou? Loser got up before ten, took his shower
and left. No pacing around. And, no phone call to "stooge." What a nice
day to stay in and get some work done. Hopefully, Loser will hang out all
night with his new homeboy, "stooge." Makes you wonder what they are doing
at "stooge"'s place. Most likely pacing around. Wait ... Loser is back.
Time to pace around. Loser must have forgotten what the "palace" looks
like so he must take the, you guessed it, walking tour. I sure hope that
he doesn't miss "stooge" already so that he will have to call him now.
He must be happy as a clam now that he has a friend! I just hope they are
not taking showers together. Time for a whiz! Two flushes! Go Loser! Draining
the lizard must have been relieving because it is time for another tour
of the "palace." Loser proves to everyone that you can never see enough
of every nook and cranny of the "palace." He's on the phone now. It's one
in the morning! He's gotta be calling "stooge." After that nice chat, it's
beddy-bye for Loser. Wait a minute. Another whiz and some more pacing.
Sheesh! Give it a rest already!
Monday February 27
Loser has been quiet all day. It is about eleven now, and as I drive in
the parking lot I see Loser's lights on. Oh boy, I say to myself, Loser
is home. I go to my place. Usually Loser starts pacing around within five
minutes after I get in. Maybe he is at the "stoogepad." Wait a minute!
Loser just came in. He is with "stooge one" and "stooge two". We are in
for a night now! Loser is definitely the leader, the main man. But, what
does he have to offer? All Loser knows about is his hand and a jar of Vaseline.
Anyone that looks up to Loser is a true loser. Looks like the CircJerktm
is going to go on all night, just like last time. I wouldn't be surprised
if they are lying on the floor doing spoons. My question is: who gets to
be Lucky Pierre?
Tuesday February 28
Apparently the "stooges" left about two-thirty in the morning. Loser was
talking to somebody until about four. He was talking to himself! Loser
got up at nine-thirty and took his shower. Rather than pace the "palace"
in his usual circular fashion, he traversed it continuously for 20 minutes.
No phone call to "stooge," though. He left shortly after. At twenty minutes
after eleven, he returned with "stooge." They hung out talking, but it
was apparent that Loser is doing most of the talking. What does he talk
about, since he does absolutely nothing interesting? Perhaps he is giving
his "stooges" his life story, and the history of the "palace." Be still
my beating heart! He demonstrated the immense power of his K-Mart all-in-one
entertainment system for three seconds. Boy, that must have really impressed
"stooge." I know I was impressed. I think he is trying to get "stooge"
to go to bed with him. Loser and his "stooge" depart at 12:28pm. I left
shortly after. I return home at about 10pm. All is quiet until about ten-thirty
when Loser returns to the "palace." He traverses the "palace." Back and
forth. Back and forth. He calls someone, probably "stooge." Back and forth.
Call ends. Back and forth. He tries to make another call. That lasts all
of five seconds. I would believe that if he was trying to call a babe.
Back and forth. Loser is lonely. "Stooge" did not want to come over tonight.
Poor Loser! Nothing left for Loser to do but to go beddy-bye. Oops! He's
got to take a whiz first, and he must make sure the whole building can
hear his PowerWhiz. Later, Loser.
Wednesday March 1, 1995
Loser got up and left before ten. I did not leave until about 1pm. I return
at about eight and, as I am heading to the building, I see Loser up on
the second floor. Yep, he's heading back to the "palace." As I walk in,
I already hear Loser pacing around. Tonight it appears to be the circular
pattern. No doubt, being by himself at the "palace" is driving him crazy.
Maybe he should get "stooge" to live with him! All is quiet until ... a
knock! It is "stooge." Loser has been waiting all night for "stooge" to
come by. He is ecstatic. But, wait! "Stooge" is not staying. Poor Loser.
My mistake, "stooge" has come back. They walk around for a long time, and
finally they sit down. All the while Loser is doing all the talking. Loser
must be a wealth of knowledge. No wonder "stooge" pays homage to him. So,
an hour of walking around the "palace" and assorted drumming of the "palace"
furniture interspersed with Loser's boring, monotone voice going on and
on must make for an exciting evening for him and "stooge." They decide
to leave for somewhere at 11pm. Probably going to 7-11 to get some K-Y,
as their hands are chaffed from too much friction. The night is still young,
and Loser has much more entertainment in store for all of us. Loser and
"stooge" are back. It is midnight. "Stooge" leaves shortly after. Loser
pops a movie in the VCR. Loser must have rented it earlier in hopes of
using it to entertain "stooge" so he would not have to be in the "palace"
alone like he is now. Poor Loser. Thwarted at every turn. Intermission!
Time to take a whiz. And, while we're up, might as well stretch the old
legs by traversing the "palace" a few times. Okay, back to our feature
presentation. Now what is Loser doing? Is he choking the chicken? Did he
rent a hurdy gurdy? Time sure flies when you are having fun. The movie
must have finished as Loser begins to traverse the "palace" for 20 minutes.
Is that Loser singing or is that his K-Mart all-in-one entertainment center?
It's hard to say. It's two in the morning, I'd say he was singing. Give
it a rest already! Who does Loser think he is? David Hasselhoff?
Traversing the "palace" is now up to thirty minutes and counting. If
only he knew that the whole world now knows what he does up there. His
exciting life is on the Internet! Time for a whiz! Maybe that is why Loser
was pacing around for over 40 minutes. His bladder needed to be unloaded,
but that is very difficult when one is excited by visions of "stooge."
Well, anyway, that is a good sign because after his whiz, it is usually
night-night for Loser. Wait! What is that noise in the background? Sounds
like a printer. It is Loser's computer. Loser must be working on a project
with the "stooges." The "stooges" were probably pulling the all-nighter
with Loser that one time because Loser has the computer. Now they just
let Loser do all the work for them. And he even rented that movie. Who
is the real stooge?
Thursday March 2
Loser was up and traversing the "palace" feverishly non-stop for twenty
minutes. It sounded like he was exercising, or worse, he may have been
pacing around and choking the chicken. He left a little before ten. Loser
returned with "stooge" about eleven. Guess who was doing all the talking?
Guess who left within five minutes? Loser paced around feverishly for fifteen
minutes. Then, Loser made a phone call. Probably calling his mommy. "Mommy,
why doesn't anybody like me?" That call lasts maybe ten minutes. More feverish
pacing. Next phone call, probably to "stooge." Who would want to talk to
this guy for longer than ten seconds? On and on it goes, the monotonous
and dull voice of Loser on some diatribe only he cares about. Loser left
at about 1pm. I left shortly after.
It is now raining and I get home close to 9pm. I drive in to the parking
lot and I see Loser's lights on. I go to my place, and as I enter I hear
that boring, monotone voice of his going on and on. He is a) talking on
the phone, b) talking to "stooge," or c) talking to himself. Within minutes,
there is knock on Loser's door. Is it another "stooge?" No, it's the pizza
guy. Loser ordered pizza for him and "stooge." Nothing like buying your
friends, eh? What happens after pizza? Spoons, maybe? Instead, there is
a lot of belching. An hour later, Loser walks "stooge" home. He comes back,
and turns on the K-Mart all-in-one entertainment system. Time for a whiz!
Two flushes in a row. Loser calls someone up, probably "stooge," and talks
for about an hour. Is this guy lonely or what? There is pacing at a fever
pitch which continues until beddy-bye.
Friday March 3
Loser got up about nine and traversed the "palace" for about 15 minutes,
then took a shower. After the shower, Loser commenced traversing the "palace"
continuously for thirty-five minutes. There is no logic concerning Loser's
need to walk around the "palace" over and over for such an extended duration.
Is he nervous? Is he worried about the impression he is going to make on
babes? Nah, he's more worried about his impression on "stooge." Loser left
at ten. I left shortly after. I did not get back in until eleven at night.
As I drove in, I noticed that Loser's lights were not on. Loser is not
home. Loser is gone for the weekend! Oooooooh ... he's a looooooser, and
he's a neighbor of mine! (sing-along)
Sunday March 5
Loser must have come in at about four in the morning. He did not get up
until noon. Loser went out and came back several times. He must have been
unloading his junk. Wait! Loser has a car. Looks like a teal-colored Lumina.
Hey, after all he's a luminating kind-of-a-guy! Loser has been quiet
all day. Well, now that he has a car, he must feel like a stud. He can
go anywhere now. He can even take the "stooges" out for a ride. I left
at 3:30pm. I came back in at ten. The Lumina was still parked in the lot.
I go to my place. No pacing around upstairs. No phone call to "stooge."
It is quiet until eleven-thirty. Loser takes a whiz, and leaves. He needs
to take the Lumina out for a drive. He probably has to pinch himself. Wait
till all the babes see his new ride. A half hour later, Loser returns.
All is quiet. I wonder if that is his mommy's car. Hmmmm. I hope he didn't
buy that albatross. Well, maybe he knows something we don't. Damnit, I
wish I had a Lumina!
Monday March 6
Loser got up at nine-thirty and took a shower. Then, he paced around the
"palace" feverishly for fifteen minutes before departing at ten. I left
at eleven and got back before noon. I could hear Loser upstairs talking
on the phone. I left a few minutes later, and noticed that the Lumina was
no longer in the parking lot. Don't tell me that Loser rented that car.
Why didn't he rent something a little more exciting? Even a Ford Escort
would have been better. I got back in a little after eleven-thirty in the
evening. Loser had his lights on but, when I got in, I could hear nothing.
Loser finally came in at midnight. Where has he been? At the "stoogepad,"
maybe? Loser was extremely quiet after that. Maybe he passed out.
Tuesday March 7
Loser is back to his old routine. Up at nine-thirty. Shower. Pace around
for fifteen to twenty minutes. Leave. I left at 11am, and did not get back
in until a quarter to eleven at night. As I drive in I see Loser's lights
on, and he has his balcony door open. I get into my place and all is quiet.
I speak too soon as Loser begins pacing back and forth, not in a circular
fashion. He is on the phone. I can hear his monotonous voice going on and
on. What is he talking about? "You should see all the babes I know here,"
he is probably telling one his "stooges" from back home. They must wonder
how many babes he really knows since he calls almost every day. The phone
call and the pacing goes on continuously until twelve minutes after eleven.
Loser must have gotten temporary relief from his boredom as he must actually
be sitting down. Wait! The dull, monotonous voice again. He's on the phone.
Back and forth. The pacing can drive anyone insane. The call lasts only
five minutes. Who wants to hear from this guy? Now there is some rapid
pounding-like noises. I really think he is choking the chicken. That lasts
about thirty seconds. Well, no real surprise, eh? Now it is quiet. Loser
must truly be bored because it is time for a shower. He probably made a
"mess" on himself. After the twenty minute shower, Loser makes phone call
number three. It is ten to one (in the morning). With that, the pacing
starts up again. The call and pacing lasts less than ten minutes. All is
quiet now. He must have finally sat down. When is he going to get a clue
that he is a loser? The TV is on, and Loser is belching somewhat continuously.
What's this? Loser is talking to someone. It is one-thirty in the morning.
Is this phone call number four? No, Loser is talking to himself! Now he
is pacing around the "palace" again. I think he needs some Xanax (or he
needs to see Dr. Psycho, M.F.C.C.). It is
three in the morning and Loser is once again pacing around the "palace."
Maybe he needs to take a whiz but he can't because he's too tense. Maybe
he should massage his "little friend" again. Maybe not, otherwise he might
make another "mess" and have to take another shower. Good Lord!
Wednesday March 8
Who knows what time Loser finally went beddy-bye, but he did get up, took
another shower, paced around for fifteen minutes and left at ten. He even
paced around in a circular fashion a couple of times. Brings back old memories,
doesn't it? I left after 11 am and I did not get back in until 8pm. I walk
in and immediately I hear Loser pacing around. Fortunately I was in and
out. Gotta go, gotta go! I get back at midnight, and I see Loser's lights
on and his balcony door open. I get into my place, and all is quiet. Unfortunately,
at 12:20am, there is a knock on Loser's door. He yells to whomever it is
to come in. Naturally, one can easily guess who it is. It is "stooge,"
no doubt coming over after Loser called him up while I was gone. Who else
could it be? A babe? Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaaa! It's going to be a fun time
tonight. Loser must be telling some jokes because he is laughing. "Stooge"
doesn't seem to find it too funny, but he has to schmooze Loser because
the putz has the computer. What a price to pay! They sit around until about
two in the morning, then "stooge" goes home. What? No spoons, tonight?
Oh well. Time to take a whiz! And, there is the obligatory pre-beddy-bye
pacing. Back and forth. Back and forth. And finally, beddy-bye. Oh boy,
he's up again. Back and forth. One minute. Back and forth. Two minutes.
Back and forth. Three minutes. Back to bed. What a putz! He's up again.
Back and forth. He's on the phone now, probably talking to "stooge." Talking
and pacing. "I cannot get to sleep. I want my mommy." It is two-fifteen
in the morning. Can you guess who made the call? (Hint: the phone did not
ring in Loser's "palace.") Back and forth. Guess who is doing all the talking?
(Hint: it is not "stooge.") This goes on until two-thirty. All is quiet.
Did the idiot finally go to sleep? Nope, he's up again. He paces around
for five minutes and it's back to bed. Now he's up again, and he paces
for about four minutes. The TV is now on and it's about ten minutes to
three. There is a short break from the back and forth traversing. Then,
Loser begins his slow circular pace around the "palace." Each and every
step can be heard. It is now 3:20am and Loser has taken several hundred
continuous steps in a circle, and he's still going. It is now 3:30 and
Loser is still continuing steadily in a circular pattern. After 37 minutes
of non-stop pacing, there is another break. The TV is now off. The imbecile
may have gone beddy-bye, but for how long? No, he's still up. It is ten
minutes to four. Time for a whiz! Now, it's bedtime for Bonzo. At 4:15am,
Loser gets up to take another whiz. He traverses the palace steadily after
that until four-thirty. Then he leaves the "palace." It is raining. He
must wish he had the Lumina. Good riddance!
Thursday March 9
Loser returned at 5:30am. He took another whiz. He must be sitting on the
throne now, since the whole building can no longer hear him taking his
PowerWhiztm. Loser commenced pacing the
studio-sized "palace" in the now all too familiar traversing itinerary.
He did this steadily until 7:15am, a total of 1 hour and 45 minutes. Loser
then abruptly changed to the circular pacing pattern, making one complete
round of the "palace" approximately every 35 seconds, continuing without
break until five minutes after eight when he left the "palace." There were
short moments when Loser was heard conversing with someone but he definitely
was not on the phone. He was apparently talking to himself again! What
is this numbskull on? Effectively, Loser had been pacing around the "palace"
steadily for FIVE DAMNED HOURS straight, not including his early morning
stroll. Loser has broken his own record! Loser came back about eleven,
but I was on my way out. I came in at five minutes after one, and Loser
was already in the process of pacing the "palace" in his circular itinerary.
"Slowly I turn, step-by-step, inch-by-inch." He was still averaging about
a minute per circuit. After fifteen loops, he stopped. He was probably
checking out his prized rock collection. The pacing starts up again, but
thank goodness I'm outta here!
I get back in at about 8pm, and all is quiet. I know Loser is around
somewhere since his lights are on. I decide to get on the Net to see my
latest additions when I hear Loser come home. He must be plum tuckered
out from over FIVE STRAIGHT HOURS of walking in a circle. Can you imagine
staying up all night pacing around in your living room? I hate to see what
this guy does on a date! All is quiet so it looks like Loser is (passed)
out for the night.
Friday March 10
New day! New energy! What better way to enjoy this new vigor but to tour
the "palace" continuously for twenty minutes. Why, it's been almost 12
hours since the last tour Loser took which lasted FIVE DAMNED HOURS. After
the renewed pleasure of pacing, it was time for a shower.
It is hard to imagine why Loser loves the "palace" so much. Maybe Loser
fantasizes that he is a cop on patrol on his beat (the "palace" is the
'hood), or maybe he is at a world-famous museum (the "palace" is Le Louvre),
or he is a John (the "palace" is Sunset Blvd). Who is to say? Or, maybe,
yes, maybe Loser just loves the "palace." Perhaps he needs to take a shower,
but he wants to take the long way there so he can savor all the interesting
sights along the way, like his lovely desk lamp or his sock collection.
"Oooooh! It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day in the
neighborhood, would you be my ... would you be my ... neighbor." Errr,
sorry Mr. Rogers, I know that you do not want to be equated with a psycho
After that invigorating shower, there is only one thing left to do aside
from taking a whiz. Yup, Loser had not checked out the "palace" since fifteen
minutes ago. So, away we go! Loser got on the phone somewhere along the
circuit. He must have called "stooge" because "stooge" arrived shortly
afterward to pick up Loser. Where they went together, no one knows. I left
later in the afternoon. I get in about 7pm. The whole city is flooded from
the rains, and I am fourwheeling in most parts of town, but when I get
in I find that the rain has not put a damper on the pacing. There is a
knock on Loser's door. Looks like he ordered pizza again. Fortunately I
rented Speed so I did not have to listen to Loser touring the "palace"
all night long. Looks like Loser is going to call it a day. It is only
10:30. Whassup wit' dat? Well, I was wrong. At 12:40am, Loser begins his
pacing day. Twenty minutes of traversing the "palace" ensued. Subsequently,
the pacing was accomplished in periodic bursts interspersed with the drumming
of the "palace" furniture. Loser is a man of many talents. Time for a whiz,
speaking of Loser's talents. And, beddy-bye.
Saturday March 11
I was rudely awakened by guess what? Yep, it was 8:15am, and Loser was
pacing around the "palace" already. He was going at a much quicker pace
than he normally does. Must have been some real anxiety brewing. The pacing
continued feverishly until nine when Loser finally left. Maybe he's on
the comeback trail with "stooge."
I left about noon and did not get back in until 7pm. Loser came back
at ten minutes to eight, and immediately started pacing. Is he in training
or what? Time for a whiz, then a short phone call probably to "stooge."
No doubt, "stooge" is tired of Loser. Uh-oh! What do I hear? It's the K-Mart
all-in-one! Loser has rented a video tonight. Man, he really has got it
goin' on. I can't understand why any of these babes around here don't wanna
be down with Loser. The movie must be over as Loser is now on the phone.
His dull, monotonous voice drolls on and on, boring everyone except himself.
That call lasts about twenty minutes. It is quiet until 11:45pm when Loser
makes phone call number two. This must be a more exciting phone call as
it requires the simultaneous execution of the clockwise circular pacing
we have come to know and love. Average loop time: 30 seconds. It is easy
to tell when the imbecile has completed a loop because of the louder footsteps
on the kitchen linoleum. Maybe he is nervous because he is talking to a
babe. Yeah, right.
Can you imagine Loser on a date? Here's an hypothetical scenario. Loser
phones some babe:
"Hi, I wanted to know if you would care to join me on a date, but you
have to drive since I don't have a car and the rental place already rented
out the Lumina."
I don't think so. Instead baby would exclaim, "Sheeesh! Get a life, scumbag!"
So far, I count 43 loops around the "palace." It is now 11:14pm and the
total is 61 loops and counting. Wait! The phone call/pacing is over and
the total is 66 loops. Go Loser! Loser leaves the "palace" at 11:17pm.
Loser must have been talking to "stooge." Loser returns to the "palace"
at two in the morning. He takes a whiz, and then, what's this? I hear conversation,
but the other voice is clearly a babe's. No, it can't be! Of course not,
it's only Loser watching the tube. He doesn't need a babe, he has "stooge."
Baby comes over to pick up Loser. He invites her into the "palace":
"Hi, come on in."
She notices a circular trail worn into the carpet.
"What is that?" she asks.
"That is where I accomplish a variety of tasks synergistically. I get
my exercise, relieve stress, view my beautiful "palace," and annoy the
guy living below me all at the same time!"
Totally impressed, baby exclaims, "Make love to me now!"
Sunday March 12
The creaking ceiling caused by nothing other than Loser's pacing once again
woke me up. This goes on continuously until nine when he finally left.
I was too groggy to ascertain whether Loser was pacing in his usual circular
fashion. I left at noon and did not get back in until after six-thirty.
I was already fatigued after working out at the gym and after listening
to The Bull of the Gym relate to me about how his stud car got stuck downtown
during the flood. (He also casually mentioned how he met two babes in the
same predicament and, naturally, they invited The Bull over to their place
for dinner and "dessert"). Loser returns at 8:51, and gets on the phone
for about two minutes. Now he is doing something weird that is producing
some kind of squeaking noise. I sure hope he's not doin' da nasty by himself.
Loser has to take a shower so I guess we know, don't we? Loser traverses
the "palace" a few times. After all, he's been gone all day. He probably
forgot what the "palace" looks like. There is another short phone call
and Loser is off and running at 9:25pm. Loser is a busy loser. At a quarter
to three, Loser arrives back at the "palace." Loser makes a phone call,
probably to "stooge." Naturally, this is about as good a time as any to
start the pacing. Once again, it is circular and takes about 35 seconds
per loop. The call lasts about three minutes, but the pacing continues
until 4:25am. Loser then leaves, most likely to the "stoogepad." Where
else is he going to go?
Monday March 13
Loser briefly returned and made a short phone call complete with pacing.
Loser left again, but he returned at 9am only to resume his pacing immediately.
At 9:05am, there is silence. Ten minutes later, one flush. A second flush.
Then, a third flush. Loser was on the can taking a dump. He must have been
constipated. Is this why he needs to pace? Apparently not. Loser is on
the phone and begins his all too familiar circular itinerary. The call
was brief, but the pacing wasn't. This continued until 9:25am when there
was a brief reprieve. Then, four more loops. Another reprieve. Loser made
phone call number two. The pacing resumed. The call was brief. It was most
likely to "stooge." Can these clowns see enough of each other, or what?
The pacing resumed, albeit sporadically (i.e., Loser made four loops, stopped,
etc.). He stepped out onto the "palace" balcony for a few minutes. He stepped
back into the "palace". What in tarnation was that? Sounded like some kind
of horn. Jeees! It's Loser blowing his nose! He then resumed pacing. This
continued until 9:54am when Loser departed once again.
I left at 11:30am and did not get back until seven. Loser and "stooge"
are heading to the "palace" as I drive in. Fortunately, I was in, then
outta here. I get back in at 11:30pm and all is quiet. The fool is probably
over at the "stoogepad." Another wild night of spoons! Loser gets back
at four in the morning. He traverses the "palace" until 4:15. He is talking
to someone, and it is barely discernible but he is saying something about
not being able to get to sleep. Is he on the phone? The conversation lasts
less than a minute. Who could he have called? "Stooge"? His mommy? Frankly
I think he was talking to himself. Since Loser is unable to get to sleep,
he is rediscovering the "palace." He traverses the "palace" to different
locations and tinkers with something for a while, then traverses to another
location. Since it is now five in the morning it is fairly obvious that
he been at several locations. My guess is that he is rearranging his closet,
sorting his pens, counting his socks, inventorying the "palace" library,
refolding his T-shirts, transferring his rock collection ad infinitum.
What joy this must bring to his heart! At 4:58am, Loser decides to take
out the trash. He might as well pull out a Playgirl or ManDate
magazine and choke the chicken already. That is probably what he is doing
right now. There is almost no question that Loser is psychotic. Now he
is back in his closet doing something. Didn't he do this yesterday? Is
he redoing all of it? He's in the kitchen now. I think he's rearranging
his plates! Sheeesh! He's a loser, he only needs one plate for goodness
sake. He's in the silverware now. I think that Loser has got a crush on
"stooge." That is why he cannot sleep, because he cannot get his mind off
of "stooge." Loser is now moving a piece of furniture. It is 5:05am.
Tuesday March 14
Actually, it would not be surprising if Loser was really trying to locate
surveillance devices in the "palace." He probably imagined that some nefarious
entity is after him. No doubt, I am one of the many actors hired to watch
and harass him. Either that, or the "palace" is just an endless source
of entertainment for him.
Loser finally goes beddy-bye at five. Loser was up and about before
nine and was on the phone again to, none other than, "stooge." Loser stepped
out and returned at 11:20am and was on the phone complete with pacing.
He left again at 11:40.
I left at noon and got back in at 10:30pm. Loser is not home, so I have
a short reprieve. But, most likely we will be in for another all-nighter
due to Loser's chronic insomnia and extreme psychomotor agitation. PsychoLoser
is back as we speak, sparing no time to start pacing. "I love looking at
my lovely socks," he's probably saying while perusing the "palace." Then,
"Wait! Is that a hidden camera I see over there?" Twenty more minutes of
this garbage. I love looking at my lovely desk lamp. Is that a microphone?
I love looking at everything in my lovely "palace." Is that somebody hiding
behind my refrigerator? PsychoLoser leaves abruptly at 12:30am. He is back
at 12:58am. He continues the rediscovery of the "palace" until 1:15am when
he calls someone, probably "stooge." The call lasts five minutes. He is
probably trying to warn "stooge" about how people are after the both of
them. Loser apparently has ants in his pants as he continues to traverse
the "palace." Loser is probably losin' it because he cannot get "stooge"
to come over. At 1:37am, he makes phone call number two. That call lasts
less than a minute. "Please come over, I'm so lonely." Get a clue, man.
Time for a whiz! If all else fails, a good whiz will at least bring a little
relief. Why doesn't he just break out ManDate and choke the damned
chicken already! Phone call number three at 1:54. I think he's calling
his mommy now. "I no feel so good, mommy. My tummy is all sore because
nobody like me." This call lasts three minutes. Now it is time for Loser
to rearrange the pencils in his desk. "I think I'll move all my pencils
across the "palace" to my dresser for tonight," he's probably musing. Then,
tomorrow he'll move them back. Loser's work is never done. Loser departs
from the "palace" at two.
Wednesday March 15
Actually, I think Loser was looking for his condoms so that he could go
over to see "stooge." It's his turn to be Lucky Pierre. Loser returned
at four and took a shower. Then, he began piddling around and traversing
the "palace." He made another phone call that lasted a minute. The piddling
continued until about ten minutes to five when Loser made yet another call,
this one lasting less than a minute. Loser departed shortly after. A car
is heard in the parking lot driving off. "Stooge" must be giving Loser
a ride. They are probably going on Spring Break together. Oh boy, watch
out world. "Stooge" and Loser's Big Adventure. No wonder Loser has been
nervous for over a week. He has probably been thinking about all the Spring
Break babes, coincidentally like in the movie Spring Break. Can
you imagine these two idiots at a wild, happening place like Daytona Beach?
"Duuhh. Where are all the babes, George?" And, just before hitting the
town to catch all the action, Loser would be frantically pacing in the
motel room. He and "stooge" probably made plans and alternative sleeping
arrangements in case they score. I hope they brought a lot of money because
all they are going to score are a few beers and a hangover. They were both
better off staying at Loser's "palace" and doing spoons on the floor with
a worn out copy of ManDate. Yeah, the Spring Break babes might get
a little freaky, but it won't be toward either of these putzes. I left
at one and got back in at 11pm. Loser's lights were not on, so it is certain
that he is gone. Ooooooooh .... he's a loser, yes, he's a looooser, and
he's a neighbor of mine! (sing-along)
Monday March 27
Who knows what time the fool came back. I got back in after midnight. Loser
starts traversing the "palace" shortly after. He continues to do this sporadically
until about 1:30. Then he decides to watch the tube. He must have gone
beddy-bye shortly after. Most likely he passed out. After all, he just
came back from Spring Break! He and "stooge" must have been tearin' it
up! I doubt it. I think Loser went home to his mommy like a good boy. Mommy
made him breakfast, lunch and dinner and baked him his favorite pie. Oh
Tuesday March 28
I was rudely awakened at 6:30 in the morning by Loser traversing the "palace."
He continued this behavior until about ten minutes to seven. Silence, then
a flush. Loser dropped the seat to the throne. He was taking a dump. It
wasn't a two flusher, so maybe moms didn't feed him that good. Time for
a shower. Nothing like a half-hour shower. No drought problem this year
with all the rain, so why not? After his beauty shower, Loser begins to
traverse the "palace" once again. At about 7:53am, Loser turned on the
tube. At eight promptly, Loser made a phone call that lasts all of three
minutes. He was talking in a manner that commanded respect, so he probably
called up "stooge." Nah, it was probably moms. "Mommy, I will be okay.
Yes, I folded my pajamas. Yes, I took my Flintstones vitamins ..." After
the call, Loser began to sporadically traverse the "palace." It is hard
to discern whether sporadic or continual traversing/pacing is more irritating.
What was Loser doing up so early? No doubt, he was nervous. It is a new
quarter. At 8:30am, he was on the phone again. No doubt it was "stooge."
They were probably making plans for all the babes they expect to meet this
quarter in classes. That is why he is nervous. Or maybe, he is nervous
because he wants to meet new guys. The call lasted less than a minute.
Loser departed shortly after. Loser returned at 9:23am in a hurry. He needed
to take a whiz! It was quiet for about ten minutes. Then, Loser began his
slow circular pacing. He called somebody, probably "stooge," and continued
pacing and talking simultaneously. The call lasted about ten minutes, with
Loser making a complete circuit in the "palace" about every 35 seconds.
After that call, Loser made about six more loops before retiring to the
throneroom. It was a two-flusher! Well, looks like moms fed Loser pretty
good after all! After unloading his large intestine, Loser began his sporadic
pacing. There is no reason that any sane man would need to walk back and
forth in such a small, confined area as the "palace." However, Loser is
not just any man! He is Loser... Yes, he's a loser, he's a looooooooser,
and he's a neighbor of mine! (sing-along) Go Loser! Go Loser! Go Loser!
(chorus) Heeeeeeee's a looooooooser! He's a loser! And heeeeeeeeee's a
neighbor of mine! Yes! (sing-along finalé).
Loser picked up the pace (not the picanté sauce) at 10:10am.
He continued rigorously until 10:40. There are so many things to do at
the "palace," and there was no better time than the present for Loser to
go out and peruse his empty box collection that is outside on his balcony
under that ugly blue tarp he probably purchased at K-Mart. Needless to
say, the ugly blue tarp and the empty box collection are aesthetically
pleasing to the eye. Loser went back into the "palace" at eleven for more
pacing. Loser was back on the phone at 11:06. No pacing. No one ever calls
Loser, he always calls them. Now why is that? Can't he get a clue? His
laborious and dull voice drolled on. He was not trying to command respect
so maybe this was a call to moms. Even moms probably does not want to hear
from him. He's a loser and she is embarrassed by him. The call lasted a
mere seven minutes. If there is a call Loser should make, it is definitely
to the ManDate subscription hotline! Naturally, the pacing resumed
once Loser was off the phone. Fortunately, I left shortly afterward. When
I returned at two, Loser was watching some Spring Break movie. He had the
audio channeled through his K-Mart all-in-one entertainment system. Boy,
it sounded like a real theatre! Well, not really. But, I guess we can all
see that Loser had a fun-filled, babe-filled Spring Break. Go Loser! I
was glad that I was outta here at 3:30.
I get back in at 10:15pm. All is quiet, although I notice Loser's lights
on when I drive in. At about midnight, Loser takes a whiz. He must have
been in bed. At 1am, Loser has a THREE-FLUSHER, and after that he starts
to sporadically pace the "palace." Loser comes alive at 2am. The tube is
now on and Loser is ready to start his pacing day. The audio is courtesy
of the K-Mart all-in-one. I wonder if he realizes that he has several neighbors.
Nah, he's too damned stupid. Loser will probably be suffering from insomnia
every night from now on. Why doesn't he just break out the ManDate
and choke the chicken repeatedly until he's too exhausted and passes out?
Maybe he asphyxiated the chicken during Spring Break (or sprained his hand)
in an intense autoerotic session!
Wednesday March 29
Loser continued his sporadic pacing on into the wee hours of the morning.
I was rudely awakened at 6:20am by the sounds of, you guessed it, Loser
traversing the "palace." This continued until 7:31am, when Loser either
made a phone call or was sitting babbling to himself. This lasted about
a minute. Then, the slow circular pacing began. Loser averaged 40 seconds
a loop around the "palace" this morning. He must be worn out from lack
of sleep. He walked around in a circle until 7:45am when he left abruptly.
He returned at 8:22 and traversed the "palace" for about five minutes,
then left again. Loser was fiddling around in his junk in the "palace"
commissary, which leads me to believe that he has probably set up a sperm
bank in his freezer with himself as sole "depositor." A pedigree of his
caliber needs to prepare for posterity. Of course, using ManDate
as the means of stimuli to acquire the "deposit" is something best left
to the imagination. Loser returned at noon and all was very quiet. Looks
like he was taking a nap. I left shortly after and returned briefly at
3:15pm. Loser was traversing the "palace." There were brief moments where
I heard a rapid pounding noise. He was probably making another "deposit"
in his sperm bank. I left again before four, thank goodness. I get in at
eleven, and all is quiet. Loser gets back in at 11:20pm. He heads immediately
for the throneroom. Loser is in there for ten minutes. One flush. Two flushes.
Holy Mackerel! It's another THREE-FLUSHER! Loser breaks his own record
again! Can Loser take a dump, or can he take a dump! Looks like it's beddy-bye
for Loser. I guess he wasn't able to take his afternoon nap like he planned.
I wonder why? Can you guess? It wouldn't be a certain downstairs neighbor's
phone ringing almost constantly over a period of five hours, would it?
Thursday March 30
Loser got up at 8:45am. He began traversing the "palace" continuously with
only two short breaks. At 9:55am, he turned the tube on with audio courtesy
of the K-Mart all-in-one. It was the OJ case and Loser pacing all at the
same time! I bet OJ doesn't pace around in his cell, though. At 10:10am,
that mysterious pounding started up and lasted briefly. Probably was another
sperm bank "deposit." At 10:16am, no more OJ. Loser then said something,
obviously talking to himself very loudly. He then resumed traversing the
"palace." Now, the whole "palace" is only about 14x20 and that's in feet,
so can you figure out why he needs to walk around in that shoebox for hours
on end? Sounds like Loser was making some coffee, probably "Fodgers" (saw
this alleged typo in alt.coffee). At 10:28am, Loser took his shower.
After all, he just spent over an hour of almost non-stop pacing. After
a twelve minute shower, Loser resumed pacing immediately. Was he pacing
in his birthday suit? The pacing continued until Loser left at 10:53. Loser
returned at 11:03 and began fiddling around in the "palace" commissary.
I bet he was checking out the vault of his sperm bank. After seeing that
everything was safe, he began traversing the "palace" again. Back and forth.
Back and forth. We all know the routine by now. Loser was on the phone
at 11:08 while continuously pacing. He had now initiated his circular pacing,
making a loop every twenty-five seconds. Five loops. Ten loops. On and
on it went. End phone call. Nineteen loops! Loser returned to his back
and forth traversing. Phone call number two commenced at 11:20am. That
lasted 10 seconds. There was nothing for Loser to do now except pace around
some more until 11:27am when Loser departed once again. I left at one,
and returned shortly after four. I got in just in time to hear Loser drain
the lizard. Then, guess what he did next? Choke the chicken? No, but you're
close. Yes, he started pacing the "palace." Then he went out to check his
mail. I cannot help but wonder who would write to him. He's probably anxiously
awaiting his first issue of ManDate. Loser was on the phone at 4:25pm.
That lasted about a minute. Then the pacing became feverish. I think he
was also doing the Reverse Cowgirl on the couch with himself. In any case,
I was glad I was outta here at 4:30. I get back in at 10:30pm. All is quiet,
too quiet. I sure hope that Loser has not gone beddy-bye because that means
he will be up around two in the morning to start his pacing day.
Friday March 31
Well, Loser behaved last night but he got up before 6:30am. He paced around
sporadically until 7:35am when he took his ten minute shower. He had another
THREE-FLUSHER at ten minutes after eight! Then, he picked up the pace (still
not the picanté sauce). This continued until about a quarter to
nine when Loser departed. I can only wonder when Loser is going to have
a four-flusher. Loser returned to the "palace" at noon. I left shortly
afterward, and returned at 9:15pm. All was quiet, although I know Loser
is in the "palace." Sounds like he went night-night. Poor Loser! It is
Friday night and he is all by himself in the "palace." Well, that's not
entirely true. He has his hand.
Saturday April 1, 1995
It's April Fool's Day, but the only real fool is up in the "palace." Loser
got up at 8:20am. Immediately he turned on the tube and the K-Mart all-in-one.
At nine, Loser began traversing the "palace." Same old thing. Back and
forth. Back and forth. Remember, the "palace" is only about 14x20 (in feet).
The pacing continues until 11:06 am when Loser decided that it was time
to vacuum the "palace." That took all of four minutes. Funny how he spent
about half that time vacuuming the 3x6 linoleum area in the kitchen. Why
does he have to vacuum that dump? Nobody comes over to visit him except
maybe "stooge." He knows no babes. He's a loser! After vacuuming, Loser
resumed pacing although that would not have been too hard to guess. The
pacing goes on for about 30 minutes. Loser took a thirteen minute shower,
then he had to drain the lizard. Busy, busy, busy. Loser left at one and
returned at 1:20pm. All was quiet. I suspected Loser was taking a nap.
I spoke too soon, as Loser was up and around at 1:30. Give it a rest already!
He was fiddling around with something, probably his Pet Rock collection.
Loser is the kind of guy that would have bought all those up when they
were popular, hoping to get rich when he cornered the Pet Rock market.
He probably is now trying to corner the Ghia Pet market. Around 2:15pm,
some babe was out washing her car. Loser came to life. He was pacing feverishly
about the "palace." He even went out onto his balcony, and was fiddling
around with the ugly blue tarp that covers his empty box collection. I
bet Loser wished he could have baby, but he would only be fooling himself.
His only sure thing is doing spoons on the floor with "stooge." But, apparently
even that is no longer a possibility. I left at 3:30pm, thank goodness,
but unfortunately I get back in at eight. Loser is extremely quiet all
evening. In fact, it looks like Loser went beddy-bye before ten!
Sunday April 2
Loser woke up about seven-thirty but only did a moderate amount of pacing.
He probably passed out again until about 10:30am. Then, he sprang to life
in his full pacing glory. I left at 11:15 and returned at two. Shortly
afterward, Loser began traversing the "palace." He must wait until I get
back in. I left again and returned after three. Loser has toned down the
pacing. Perhaps his feet are getting tired. Loser was quiet for the rest
of the day. I thought he was gone. I almost had to start singing his theme
song here right now.
Friday April 7
Unfortunately I was gone most of the time all week, so I have not been
able to share in the pacing fun with Loser. However, Loser may have toned
it down. I get in tonight at 7pm and Loser is home but it is quiet. As
a matter of fact, it has been quiet all week. Loser appears to go to bed
early. He got up this morning about 7am. There was some pacing but I was
too groggy. Is this the end of The Loser Living Upstairs? Has Loser
accepted his lot in life? And, where's "stooge"? Perhaps there is more
here than meets the eye. I am here as Loser is up there. There is a strange
brotherhood that suggests an interesting twist to this tale, perhaps a
diabolical sinister force at play, toying with the minds and sanity of
both Loser and myself! Loser did come to life momentarily when I came in.
Perhaps he was happy that I was back. Maybe he found comfort in knowing
that I do not have it goin' on either. Strange things. And, unfortunately,
Loser Living Upstairs was turned down for inclusion by Useless Home
Pages. I was very unhappy and I am sure Loser is equally unhappy, if
not more so. Will somebody please nominate Loser again?
Saturday April 8
Loser got up early again, probably 7:30am. He has been doing this now for
two weeks. What is he thinking? The early bird gets the worm? Let's face
it, there is no worm for Loser. Loser left at 11am. He returned at 11:30
and was on the phone in less than ten seconds after opening the door. There
was some vigorous pacing as Loser talked. He was happy as a clam. Maybe
it was "stooge." Poor Loser. The call lasts only three minutes. All is
quite until 3:55pm. Then, Loser got on the phone and started pacing. The
call lasted about three minutes. Loser began pacing the "palace" in a circular
fashion. Average loop: 20 seconds. Loser appeared to be agitated. Maybe
it was because his upstairs neighbor had her boyfriend over. Loser was
fortunate that she was away for three months. I can hardly wait to see
what happens when she starts doin' the wild thing up there! At 4:08 Loser
was on the phone again. The call lasted 20 seconds, then Loser left. Loser
came back just as I was leaving at 4:20pm.
I got back in at 5:30 and all was quiet until about a quarter to six.
Then, Loser began to pace about feverishly. At six, he began vacuuming
the "palace." He must have been moving the "palace" furniture around. He
just vacuumed that dump a week ago. After finishing that, Loser was on
the phone for twenty seconds. Was he calling his mommy to tell her he just
vacuumed the "palace"? Or was he calling up the pizza place again? Loser
has been ordering out most of his meals. So, why does Loser have a kitchen?
What does Loser use his refrigerator for? Oh. I forgot, that's his sperm
bank. Phone call number two began at 6:18pm. Naturally, Loser could not
make a phone call without the obligatory pacing. On and on. Pacing. Boring
diatribe. Pacing. Boring diatribe. Well, I am glad I am home more often.
Look what I have been missing! Loser was on the phone until 6:32. He left
a couple of minutes later, probably to see "stooge." I left again at 7:40
and returned at eleven. All is quiet. It looks like Loser went beddy-bye.
Sunday April 9
I got up early and finally left at eleven. Loser was not up yet. I suspected
that the babe living above him was probably doin' the nasty all night and
... well ... all I can say is poor Loser! I get back at one and Loser is
on the phone to someone. Who knows how long that lasted. Phone call number
two was at about 2pm. Loser made phone call number three at 2:40pm. This
three minute call required the simultaneous circular pacing. After the
call, Loser left. I departed at 2:50pm. I get back in about six after chasing
some old geezer on the freeway after he wouldn't let me merge. Loser is
on the phone again! He is sporadically pacing every few minutes. He has
probably been calling everyone he knows (how many people could that be?)
all afternoon. My guess is that baby, who lives above him, was doin' the
wild thing last night. Poor Loser was in bed trying to sleep and he had
to hear that. What images this must have conjured up in his mind! He was
probably losing it, knowing full well that all he has been able to score
is an old issue of ManDate. At seven, Loser begins the full traversing
pattern. Who would want to talk to this clown for over an hour? Loser leaves
for about ten minutes.
He behaves himself until 8:40pm when he makes phone call number fifty.
Then, he begins traversing the "palace" feverishly. He is much more animated
so he must be talking to someone who looks up to him as he is doing all
the talking. This call must be special as he is pacing everywhere ... kitchen,
bathroom, outside his front door (he just opened it). I am sure that all
of his neighbors just love seeing Loser outside talking on the phone. Well,
I guess they will all know that he's a happenin' kind-of-a-guy! Loser is
also pounding on the wall and/or furniture as he paces. No doubt, this
is for effect. Loser has got it goin' on! Go Loser! Hey, it's nine o' clock
and Loser is still going! Bathroom, kitchen, living room, outside, bathroom,
kitchen ... you know the routine. "You should see all the babes I'm skinnin'
up!" he is probably telling "stooge." Yeah, right. ManDate is not
my idea of skinnin'. It's 9:05pm and Loser is still going. Bathroom, kitchen,
living room ... wait! He just plopped down on his bed. He's up again. Kitchen,
living room ... so far I count 46 loops around the "palace." Forty-seven.
Forty-eight. Forty-nine. Fifty. Fifty-one. Fifty-two. Fifty-three. Fifty-four.
Fifty-five. Loser is starting to drag his feet making more of a shuffling
sound. Fifty-six. Fifty-seven. Fifty-eight. Fifty-nine. Sixty. This goes
on until 9:25pm when the call ends. I count 72 loops. Time for a whiz!
Then Loser leaves at 9:27. Loser returns at 10:06 and is on the phone within
seconds. Naturally, the circular pacing accompanies his diatribe. The call/pacing
continues until 10:17pm and I count 25 loops around the ol' "palace." After
the call, Loser turns on the tube. Doesn't it make you wonder what he talks
about since he does nothing except pace and talk on the phone? Is he sharing
secrets about his refrigerator/sperm bank? Does he talk about his socks
or his empty box collection? Loser takes a three-minute dump at 11:59 and
it's a two-flusher! After that, I think Loser went night-night.
Monday April 10
Loser got up and paced around before leaving around nine. I was just too
groggy to comprehend his stupidity. I left before noon and got back in
at three. Loser was pacing around moderately, but I did not have time to
notice. I left at ten to five. I return at 9:15pm. Within two minutes,
Loser starts pacing around. At 9:47pm, the floor is making some odd creaking
sounds, but it is not from pacing. I have to tell you that, in my humble
opinion, I think Loser is lying on the floor doing spoons with himself
to a worn copy of ManDate. He's definitely having a long session
for this continues until 9:56. Was that a groan I just heard? Loser gets
up off the floor and leaves the "palace" at 10:03pm. Loser is probably
going over to "stooge"'s place. He had to relieve a little tension first
so that he wouldn't be tempted to jump "stooge." Loser returns at 11:37
and appears to be much calmer. All is quiet. Loser is up and around again
at 12:38am. He drops something heavy on the floor. Could it be his head?
Tuesday April 11
Who knows what time Loser went beddy-bye? Who cares? Loser awoke at 9:20
and immediately made a phone call. He was happy as a clam as he did most
of the talking. Loser was so animated you would have thought that he had
it goin' on. The call actually lasted until 9:36. Loser must have felt
like a king so he decided to take one of his old PowerWhizes that the whole
building can hear. He was on a roll! Phone call number two. Only five seconds.
Poor Loser. Easy come, easy go. I left at 12:30 and was in and out.
I finally return at 7:15pm. Loser is piddling around in the "palace."
At 9:28, Loser leaves and he returns at ten. He paces momentarily, then
he turns on the tube with audio courtesy of the K-Mart all-in-one entertainment
center. I guess he wants everyone to know that he has the equivalent of
a theatre up there. In actuality, he is merely advertising to everyone
that he is an imbecile with no life. All is quiet until Loser takes a PowerWhiztm
at 11:20pm. Then, miraculously it quiet again. However, at 12:55am, Loser
comes alive. He takes a whiz, then all that can be heard are those creaking
sounds and thumping noises. Spoons! He's on the floor doing spoons by himself
again! This lasts about five minutes. Then Loser opens his balcony door.
He goes outside and fiddles around, then goes back in. I sure hope Dummy
isn't in his birthday suit. Finally, it's bedtime for Dummy. Well, helloooo
Dummy, helloooo Dummy, it's so nice to see you ... (sing-along). Goodnight
Wednesday April 12
Loser got up early and did some lengthy constricted area pacing, which,
naturally, woke me up. He finally left around nine. He came back after
eleven. He was printing something out on his computer. He must have some
kind of chintzy printer because it makes a lot of noise. It is not a dot
matrix, though. It makes a low rumble like ... a massager. Hey, wait a
minute! What's he doing up there? Anyway, he got on the phone, probably
to "stooge." I bet he was printing out something for "stooge." He left
again at 11:55am. I left about 1:10pm and returned at three. No Loser.
Loser returned at 6:30 and began pacing immediately. He did his circular
itinerary, making five loops. He was on the phone on his sixth loop. The
call last about ten seconds. Loser finishes the loop and departed at 6:33pm.
I left at 6:45. As I am driving off, I see Loser returning with a six-pack
of Coke and some groceries. I hope he remembered to buy some Vaseline.
I return at 11:20pm. Loser is obviously home. As I drive in, I see Loser's
balcony door open. I get in and all appears quiet until 12:05am, when I
hear that all too familiar rapid pounding. What? Spoons on the floor again?
Sheesh! Then, all is quiet until 12:40am when Loser comes to life again.
He's on the throne. It's a two-flusher! After that, I think its bedtime
Thursday April 13
Loser woke up at 10:45am and took a fifteen-minute shower at eleven. Loser
began traversing the "palace" at 11:04. While still traversing the "palace,"
Loser attempted to make a phone call. The call lasted as long as it would
take to say, "Hello, is "stooge" home? Okay, tell him Loser called." Well,
"stooge" was probably home, but he got one of his roommates to answer the
phone because he knew Loser would be calling. Loser went out on his balcony
for a couple of minutes. Then, he departed the "palace" at 11:19. I left
at 12:55pm and returned at 4:20pm. I left within the span of a few short
minutes and came back at 7:35 and left again. I return at 11:24pm. Loser
is home but he is very quiet. Maybe I will have a reprieve!
Friday April 14
I was awakened very early by two phone calls that I did not answer, so
I missed Loser in his morning ritual. Loser must have left because he returned
at 11:12am. He was on the phone at 11:25 for a brief period. At 12:03,
Loser had a THREE-FLUSHER! I left at 12:40pm and returned at 1:30pm. Loser
was home. At 2:23, he went out to check his mail. He came back in and took
a whiz, then left again. At 3:26pm, Loser returned and made a phone call.
I left at 3:30 and returned at 7:30pm. Loser was not home. He must have
gotten a ride with "stooge" and went home. He is gone for the weekend!
He's a loser, yes, he's a looooooser, and he's a neighbor of mine! (sing-along)
Saturday April 15
There is a loud thud as someone drops something outside the "palace." No,
could it be? I hear Loser's door open. The moron is back. What happened?
Mommy must have got tired of seeing him. Everyone is tired of seeing him.
He's a loser! Maybe moms caught him doing spoons in the living room at
home. At 12:04am, Loser has a two-flusher. All is quiet until ... what
was that? It sounded like Loser fell off the sofa. He was probably doing
spoons on the sofa and lost track of time and space. He gets up and departs
the "palace" at 12:20. He goes downstairs to the soda machine and returns.
Oh that Loser! He leads a life, doesn't he?
Sunday April 16
Loser was rolling around all morning until he finally got up at 10:50am.
He was on the phone immediately. Fortunately, there was no pacing. Loser
sounds depressed. He was going on and on in his usual boring droll. He
must have been talking to his mommy. "Mommy, please forgive me. I thought
you were out shopping. I promise I won't do spoons ever again. Can I come
back home now?" That call ended at 11:19, then phone call number two within
seconds. Loser is more animated and more commanding. The "palace" is like
a command center, and Loser is the Commander-in-Chief. He runs his world
operation right there from the "palace." The trouble is people do not understand
the power that he possesses. He's got it goin' on! He's a real happenin'
kind-of-a-guy! The call lasted until 11:29am. Then, Loser took his nineteen-minute
shower. Ah, Loser ... man of leisure. Fortunately I was outta here shortly
after. I return at 1:25 and Loser is gone, thank goodness. He must have
gone over to see "stooge." And you know what that means? Yes ... spoons!
Loser returns at 1:58pm. Again he drops something at the door before entering.
He makes four trips out and back. Hey, maybe he has the Lumina again! What
is all this junk he keeps bringing to the "palace"?
Someone told me that Loser might be another Jeffrey Dahmer, what with
all those late hours and odd noises. It could be. Maybe he's unloading
some new victims! And, what happened to "stooge"? Maybe that isn't a sperm
bank he has in that refrigerator. Maybe it is a Dahmer-like storage unit.
"Stooge" is probably STUFFED in the FREEZER! No wonder Loser never goes
to the supermarket! He has his own supply of food! Oh, Lord have mercy!
There have been assorted thuds all afternoon as Loser has been dropping
things in the "palace." The K-Mart all-in-one has been playing what sounds
like music one would hear in a mortuary. Then, at 4:11pm, Loser makes another
phone call. This call requires brisk pacing as Loser is somewhat more animated.
Perhaps he was happy after a hearty meal that he loves to prepare like
"Stooge" Tetrazini, made only with the finest ingredients ("stooge"). The
call ends abruptly at 4:16pm. Loser then continues to piddle around and
traverse the "palace" on into the evening. At this point, it is hard to
determine whether Loser just loves the "palace," loves doing spoons, or
is doing some butchering. Whatever the case may be, Loser has not sat still
for about four hours. At 8pm, Loser leaves to take out his trash or probably
some fresh bones. He returns within a couple of minutes and begins traversing
the "palace." There are odds noises emanating from the "palace." It sounds
kind of like Loser is rearranging the furniture in that 14x20 foot shoebox.
He might be stacking up the bodies he brought in earlier. At nine, Loser
departs. He returns at 9:30 and takes a whiz. He resumes traversing and/or
stacking until about 10:10pm. At 12:45, Loser is up and around again. He
gives everyone a sample of what his clock radio sounds like, full blast,
for about three seconds. Time for a whiz! And, beddy-bye for Bozo (not
Monday April 17
The Butcher, a.k.a. Loser, got up around eight, took a long shower and
paced around before leaving at 8:52am. He returned at 11:09. All was quiet
until 11:52 when Loser the Butcher made a phone call. Loser was very animated.
The call ended at 11:55. Loser made a couple of loops around the "palace"
and left. The K-Mart all-in-one was left on, I guess, so all of Loser's
"houseguests" wouldn't get lonely (as if they can hear anything). Loser
left again around 1:50 and returned at 2:22pm. You know, maybe Loser is
into some kind of voodoo up there. He gives a whole new meaning to "Voodoo
Chicken." Maybe he's shrinking heads in the "palace." It looks like he's
been practicing on himself, too. I left at 4:25pm. I return at 9:20 and
when I get in I hear some odd creaking noises again. Now what is Loser
doing? Is he shrinking more heads? At 10:41pm, I think I hear Loser's printer
going. But, is that really a printer? Maybe ... it's a meat grinder! Oh
At 11:20, Loser takes the trash out. Didn't he do this yesterday? The
bones must be piling up. Loser returns and begins pacing about. At 11:30pm,
Loser leaves the "palace" again. Not another trash run? Yup. There's something
devilish going on up there. At 1:26am, Loser begins his pacing day. Of
course, now that he's a serial killer it is easy to see why he needs to
pace. If he finds out that I'm on to him, I'll be joining "stooge" in some
new Tetrazini recipe! I need a 9mm! I'm going to have to take him out.
Wait! He's got the K-Mart all-in-one on again. As usual, Loser forgets
that he has neighbors. Unless of course, baby, who lives above him, is
doing the wild thing. Oh boy, now she and her boyfriend will end up in
the Tetrazini, too. I'm definitely going to have to take him out now. Do
I have a choice? At 1:45, the K-Mart all-in-one is off. I can hear the
meat grinder going as well as Loser rolling around in his bed. At 1:49am,
there is some odd hyperactivity. Loser is jerking about on his bed! It
is a short five-second spurt (no pun intended). Then another. Now, all
is quiet except for the printer/meat grinder. At 2:06am, the K-Mart all-in-one
goes on for ten seconds. Quiet again. At 2:12, the K-Mart all-in-one goes
on again, this time for three minutes. All is quiet except the meat grinder
is still going. At 2:18, there is a loud three second burst from the K-Mart
all-in-one. Then, all is quiet again until 2:20 when Loser gets up to check
the meat grinder which is still going. One minute later, Loser returns
to bed. At 2:36am, Loser mumbles a couple of phrases loudly (to who?).
Then, all is quiet again except for the meat grinder.
Tuesday April 18
Butch ... errr ... Loser got up about 10:30am and paced around until eleven
when he took an eleven-minute shower. After the shower, it was time for
phone call number one. The call lasted until 11:26, then more pacing. Phone
call number two was at 11:30. That lasted five minutes. Then, all was quiet
again. At 12:45pm, Loser came to life in his full pacing glory. He seemed
anxious. Maybe Loser has a dinner date at the "palace." Can you imagine
that? Baby comes over:
"Come on in."
If baby knew what's what, she would pull out that 9mm in her handbag and
make Loser dance. Anyway, Loser traversed the "palace" continuously. At
1:08, the K-Mart all-in-one was turned on to supplement the pacing or whatever
Loser was doing up there. At 1:27pm, Loser had a two-flusher. You know
that fresh meat, it's a little stringy and hard to digest. At 1:31, the
tube took over but that lasted only two minutes. Then, it was quiet once
again. At 1:41, the K-Mart all-in-one was back on. Three minutes later,
it was off. Then, at 1:45pm, it was back on, but in less than a minute
it was off again. Either that, or the cheap piece of junk was fading in
and out. Loser got up and walked over to the K-Mart all-in-one, hopefully
to put it out of its misery. At 1:49, Loser began some sporadic pacing
the K-Mart all-in-one. The tube was back on at 1:54pm. Oddly, it sounded
like Loser talking. Does he have a video of himself? I left at 2:25pm,
thank goodness. I return at 11:45pm. Loser is in the "palace" and the K-Mart
all-in-one is on. Loser is walking around and I hear odd thumping sounds.
At 12:34, the K-Mart all-in-one is now off.
She looks around and sees a lot of cutlery and a huge meat grinder in
the middle of the "palace." She asks, "Why do you have all of this?"
Loser looks stumped. "Errr ... It's a hobby of mine. I'm a ... novice
butcher ... yeah, that's right."
Then she asks, "What ever happened to "stooge"? You and he were pals,
Loser, with a trickle of sweat running down his forehead, says, "Ahhh
.... he transferred ... out of state ... yeah."
Then, she comments, "This Tetrazini is good, but it is a little pungent."
Loser, with a crazed look in his eyes, yells, "Pungent! We'll I know
how to smooth out that flavor!"
Wednesday April 19
Who knows when Butch a.k.a. Loser went beddy-bye. Loser was up and around
before nine and left at some undetermined time around nine. He returned
to the "palace," or should I say, meat locker, at 11:12am. There was some
assorted piddling. It sounded like Loser was cleaning his cutlery. At 12:24,
the tube was on with audio courtesy the K-Mart all-in-one. I departed at
1:12pm. As I was returning, I passed Loser on the common trail. At least
I knew that I would have some peace and quiet for a while. I left at 3:45pm.
I return at 10:15 and all is quiet. Loser returns to the "palace" at 10:30
and all is quiet. At 12:15, Loser decided to watch a movie and pipe the
audio through the K-Mart all-in-one. Is baby (living above him) doing the
wild thing again? Why doesn't he just warm up some Stooge Tetrazini? Loser
finally goes beddy-bye at 1am.
Thursday April 20
Loser left at 11:10 and returned around noon. Fortunately I was outta here
at 12:50pm. I return at 7:45 only to hear Loser pacing in a circle while
on the phone again. Average loop time: 26 seconds. Loser was up to 50 loops
at 8:10 and who knows how long he's been at it before I got back. The call
ends around 8:25 and that adds another 30 loops. After the call there is
some residual pacing. Then, the Loser turns on the tube. At 9:10, Loser
makes another phone call. He's sitting down this time, thank goodness.
The call ends at 9:20. All is quiet until 10:47pm when Loser began pacing
around the "palace" in his circular itinerary. This continues until 10:58
when Loser departs. A car is heard in the parking lot driving off. Is it
"stooge"? I thought he was in Loser's freezer. Loser returns at 1:58 and
drains the lizard. After that, Loser turns on the K-Mart all-in-one as
if to make a statement that he's home now. Finally, at 2:20am, Loser must
have realized that it is pretty late and shuts off the K-Mart all-in-one.
Friday April 21
Loser was pacing around already at 8:30am. He left the "palace" around
nine. Loser returned at 11:02 with "stooge." I thought he was in the freezer.
Loser was doing all the talking, going on and on, as usual. "Stooge" left
at 11:18am. I left at 12:15pm. I return at 7:30pm. All is quiet until 8:25pm
when Loser begins pacing back and forth, dragging his feet. He continues
until 8:38 as it is Friday night ... party night. Time for a whiz! This
weekend is the big party weekend here. And, Loser is home. After his whiz,
Loser begins pacing back and forth again. Hark! Do I hear the K-Mart all-in-one
in the background? Loser should just accept his lot in life. There have
been assorted thuds from something heavy being dropped on the floor like
a body, for example. It is quiet for a little while. But, at 11:01pm, Loser
comes to life with an all-out drumfest of the "palace" furniture. Loser
drains the lizard at 11:10pm, followed by some pacing. The printer/meat
grinder can be heard in the background, so what am I to conclude? At 11:14,
Loser departs but he returns at 11:16. It is quiet once again (well, except
for the meat grinder), but for how long? At 11:23pm, Loser turns on the
K-Mart all-in-one. Things are calm except that the meat grinder and the
K-Mart are going at the same time, but at least Loser is sitting down.
At 12:16am, the K-Mart is turned up loud and the meat grinder appears to
be going berserk. Three minutes later, Loser turns the K-Mart down. At
12:36, the K-Mart is turned up loud again. The meat grinder is still going
to town. If I didn't know better, I'd say that the babe that lives above
Loser is doing the wild thing and he has the K-Mart turned up so he doesn't
have to hear the sounds of passion. I assume Loser passed out when the
K-Mart is finally off.
Saturday April 22
Loser got up around 10:30am. He immediately started his constricted area
pacing day. At 10:50, Loser took his twenty-minute shower. After that,
it was time for a phone call. Loser sounded solemn, so he must be talking
to his mommy. I left at 12:55 and returned at 4:20pm. Loser was already
pacing as I stepped in the door. This continued until 4:45 when Loser vacuumed
the "palace." I left shortly after. I get back in before six. Loser is
still pacing away, so I decide to go outside and wash the car. I finish
at 6:45 and get back in to hear Loser pacing furiously. This continues
until 8:09 when Loser leaves. He returns within four minutes. I neglected
to mention that the meat grinder has been going almost continuously all
day. At 8:35, Loser makes a phone call sans the pacing. Oh boy.
I spoke too soon. At 9:12pm, the pacing begins. Tonight it is the back
and forth traversing. At 9:50, Loser is still on the phone. He is still
pacing, and now he is belching. The call ends at 9:52pm and Loser takes
a whiz. Loser commences the pacing again, but he takes a three-minute break
at ten. The pacing continues until 10:10 when Loser departs the "palace."
Loser returns at 10:27 and the pacing continues until 11:07 when Loser
steps out on the balcony and piddles around with the ugly blue tarp that
covers his empty box collection. Loser goes back into the "palace" and
takes another whiz. Then, the pacing resumes. Loser takes a two-minute
break at 11:40, then he begins traversing the whole length of the "palace."
Back and forth. Back and forth. Meanwhile the printer/meat grinder is going
wild in the background! At midnight, Loser takes another break from the
Sunday April 23
Loser woke up at 10:45 and ran over to the window to check out some babe
washing her car outside. Fortunately, I left at 10:55am. I returned at
12:30 and it was so quiet that I thought Loser was not home. He actually
was there and left the "palace" at 12:47pm. Loser returned at exactly 1:15.
Within seconds, the printer/meat grinder was grinding away. At 2:53, Loser
began traversing the "palace." Within two minutes, Loser was on the phone
again. Pacing. Meat grinder. Diatribe. At 3pm, Loser abruptly stopped pacing.
The call ended at 3:03. At 3:08, the pacing resumed. I left at 3:30pm,
just in time to save my sanity. I return at 6:15 and Loser comes to life.
Loser is like a dog. He sits and waits until somebody comes home, then
he starts jumping around, tail wagging, tongue out and drooling all over
the place. At 6:32, Loser has a two-flusher. Then, the pacing commences.
Then, at 6:47pm, Loser departs the "palace." Loser returns at 6:58. He
takes a fifteen-minute shower at 7:20pm. Since I had to watch Earth2
and a Steven Segal movie I was able to drown out Loser. However, during
the commercial breaks, I was able to ascertain that Loser has been talking
straight from about 8:15pm. Loser is still talking after Segal took care
of business. Loser takes a whiz at 11:10. It sounds like Loser may have
company. It may be "stooge." The K-Mart is on, too. At least they are not
on the floor doing spoons. Man, I hate it when they do spoons. So, who
is in the Tetrazini?
Loser is definitely trying to act like a stud. He is doing all the talking
and he is attempting to command respect. It must be "stooge" visiting.
How did he bribe "stooge" to come over? Did he buy a pizza or rent a video
again? The two idiots are stomping around and trying to make a statement
that they have got it goin' on. Loser just shut his front door. I guess
he had it open so everyone would know that he has company. That's real
special. Wait! Looks like "stooge" is leaving. At 11:31, Loser is once
again left to his own devices. Whoa! The phone in Loser's "palace" RANG!!!!
Loser got a phone call! This is the first phone call Loser ever received!
He must be happy as a clam, although it is probably "stooge" who just left
six minutes ago. The call lasts about thirty seconds. I guess "stooge"
wanted to make sure that Loser knew that he made it home safely. The whole
evening of excitement has left Loser much more relaxed as there is hardly
any activity up in the "palace." Did he pass out from elation? Loser comes
to life around two in the morning. He continues to traverse the "palace"
sporadically and drum the "palace" furniture with a plastic cup until about
five in the morning. Then, the idiot passes out.
Monday April 24
Loser came to at 8:30 and immediately began sporadic traversal of the "palace"
He continued this benign activity until 9:25 when he made a phone call
that lasted less than a minute. Loser departed the "palace" at 9:31am.
Loser returned at 11:28 and was on the phone within two seconds of entering
the "palace." The call lasted only about a minute. Undaunted by this, Loser
began piddling with all the royal "palace" possessions. He fiddles around
with this junk almost every waking hour. His possessions are his only true
friends. They are always there. They never leave him as fair weather friends
would, like "stooge" for example. All was very quiet from 11am on. I heard
Loser rolling around in his bed. Apparently, he was taking a nap. I sure
hope his nocturnal vampire routine doesn't start up again. Hey, maybe that
is what's going on here? Loser thinks he's Count Dracula. Let's face it,
the closest he'd come is the Invisible Man. At 12:36, Loser was heard stumbling
about the "palace" and within seconds he was on the phone. He may have
gotten a phone call! That's number two in the last six months. In any case,
the call lasted about a minute, then Loser went back to bed. I wouldn't
be surprised if he sleeps in a coffin. At 1:17, it's a two-flusher. All
was quiet until 2:25pm. A fully rested Loser is now ready to tackle a whole
new day of rediscovering the "palace" through ... what else ... pacing!
At 2:49, Loser goes out to check his mail. "When is the latest issue of
going to arrive?", he must be musing to himself. Maybe it's not ManDate,
maybe it's Butcher's Digest that he's looking forward to. Well,
the long-awaited issue must have arrived as Loser was no longer pacing.
At 3:01, Loser was bouncing around on his couch. Well, I'll leave it to
your imagination, but I would say that the vote's in on which magazine
arrived. I left at 4:40pm. I return at 9:30 and I hear Loser pacing about
the "palace" as I step in the door. Loser continued this until he left
at 9:45pm. Loser returns at 12:26am. He begins traversing the "palace"
immediately. At one point he moves something heavy like a piece of furniture
or a meat grinder. Then, all is quiet. At 12:46, Loser momentarily traverses
the "palace." He appears to have a little gas problem. Then, he plops himself
on the couch. At 1:07, there is some assorted drumming of the "palace"
furniture. I think we are in for a long evening, eh?
Tuesday April 25
Loser must have passed out as I did not hear a peep from him. I left at
10:45am and returned at 11:30. All was quiet. Was Loser gone? Nope. Loser
got up 12:05. He took his eighteen-minute shower at 12:13pm. Loser was
on the can until 12:50. It was an one-flusher! At 12:58pm, Loser departs
the "palace." I left at 1:50 and I returned at 3:09pm. As I walked into
my place, I could hear Loser on the phone. That call ended within a minute,
then Loser made another call. That lasted less than a minute. All was quiet
until four when Loser gets out of bed and makes another phone call. He
was taking a nap again! I left at 4:01pm, and I return at 7:25. All was
quiet again until about eight. Then, Loser stretches his legs by traversing
the "palace." At 8:50, Loser makes two loops around the "palace." Only
two loops? At 9:21, Loser paces around a bit then leaves. He returns at
9:46pm. He's on the phone at 9:55 for about three minutes. Then, all is
quiet again. At 12:12am, Loser makes another phone call. He sounds solemn,
perhaps trying to explain to his mommy why he is a loser. The call ends
at 12:30. The next call is at 12:34am. Loser must have been frantically
flipping through his Rolodex to find someone, anyone, to call. Loser is
much more animated so he must be talking to one of his underlings like
"stooge." The call ends at 12:50am. Phone call number three is at 12:57
and ends at 1:05am. Phone call number four is at 1:09am. This is a twenty-second
call. Either that or Loser is babbling to himself. Phone call number five
commences at 1:13 and lasts until 2:25am. Loser takes a massive PowerWhiztm
at 2:40am, then all was quiet. Well, it's another exciting night at the
"palace," and I can safely say that I can hardly wait for tomorrow's adventure.
Wednesday April 26
I was rudely awakened at 5:10am by Loser doing some kind of vigorous activity.
Spoons? When I was fully cognizant, I realized that Loser was sporadically
traversing the "palace." He stopped at different locations and did some
kind of vigorous activity while standing (your guess is as good as mine).
This continued until 5:53am when Loser attempted to go to bed. However,
Loser was up and around again within ten minutes. There were intermittent
pounding noises as Loser remained standing in some location in the "palace."
Then, all was quiet again. At 6:25, Loser either made a ten second phone
call or he was so delirious he was talking to himself. After the call,
Loser began traversing the "palace." He has added some randomization to
this event as he now traverses to various locations rather than just circular
or back and forth. This continued until 6:55am when Loser took an eight-minute
shower. After the shower, Loser resumed the randomized traversing until
7:50am when he finally departed. Loser returned at 11:51 and began traversing
the "palace" immediately. At 11:56am, Loser made a phone call lasting four
minutes. Subsequently, all was quiet. I assumed that Loser went to sleep.
Loser must have passed out on his couch because he woke up at 1:20 and
plopped onto his bed. Loser was fast asleep when I left at four. I return
at 7:30, and I hear the K-Mart all-in-one on. Yeah, I'm getting a little
tired of this. I think I will have to buy a Bose Acoustic Wave this weekend
and get some rap tunes. Let's see if Loser can be down wi' dat. At 7:50pm,
Loser is up and around doing some sporadic pacing. He leaves shortly afterward,
but the K-Mart is still on so we know he'll be right back. Loser returns
at 8:29pm. There is a phone call! There is pacing! The call lasts less
than five minutes. At 8:52pm, Loser has a two-flusher. The meat grinder
is on at 8:59 and that is all that can be heard until 9:55 when Loser makes
another phone call. This call lasts about fifteen minutes. At 10:15, the
K-Mart is on for our listening pleasure. To supplement this, at 10:35,
Loser is running, then traversing the "palace" with brief moments of rapid
pounding interspersed. At 11:00pm, the K-Mart is off. Then, at 11:45, we
get to hear brief bursts of the K-Mart all-in-one's power. Loser stomps
around the "palace" briefly at 12:08am, and methinks he goes beddy-bye
at 12:20. Oh, what a night!
Thursday April 27
Loser woke up at around 9:45am, but surprisingly no pacing. He was probably
rudely awakened by the babe living above him. Apparently, baby had a ten-flusher
this morning. She has outdone Loser! No wonder he is depressed. At 11:32am,
Loser was on the phone. The call lasted six minutes. Another day in the
life of Loser. Loser took a whiz a 12:23pm and then all was quiet. No pacing.
Baby's ten-flusher must have really thrown him off. At 12:34pm, Loser was
engaged in a phone call. The call ends at 12:50 just before I left. I returned
at 4:25pm. It was quiet until 4:38 when Loser was on the phone for two
minutes. Then, all was quiet until 4:57 when Loser began pacing. This continued
until five, upon which Loser departed his beloved "palace." I left at 5:35
and return at 11:30pm. Loser is home watching the tube sans the
pacing. I spoke too soon. Loser does some sporadic traversing at 12:20am.
He's probably getting ready to cut loose at any time. Wait! Loser goes
beddy-bye at 12:32am. Nope, he's up again at 12:45. There is some traversing
of the "palace." Then, all is quiet, too quiet. At 1:12am, Loser has a
two-flusher. Nothing spectacular. Traversing the "palace" ensues for a
few minutes, and once again it is quiet. Loser finally goes night-night
Friday April 28
Loser was traversing the "palace" feverishly about 8:45am. He continued
this behavior until he left at 8:56. Loser returned to the "palace" at
11:15. He was on the phone within seconds. The call lasts about four minutes.
All was quiet until 12:05 when I heard Loser get up off his couch and get
into bed. Oh, that Loser! I left at 12:15 and I returned at 3:50pm. I left
again within minutes and returned at 7:10pm, just in time to hear Loser's
two-flusher. I left again at 7:15 and return at 7:45pm, but I spend time
outside until 8:25. I saw Loser step out onto the "palace" balcony at about
eight. He was talking on the royal cordless phone. I get back in at 8:25pm,
and Loser is doing his circular pacing. I counted 21 loops around the "palace"
before Loser departs. Who knows how many loops he made before I came back
in. So, Loser is going out tonight! Not even. Loser is back at 8:55. The
traversing fun began at 9:47 and went on for almost an half-hour. At 10:30,
Loser made a phone call. When the call was over at 10:40pm, it was time
for a whiz. There is sporadic traversing of the "palace" until about 11:15pm
when the K-Mart is turned on for ten minutes. At 11:43, there is sporadic
traversing and the tube is now on. Things wind down in the "palace," and
Loser goes beddy-bye at 1:30am.
Saturday April 29
Loser got up about eleven, and guess what he was doing? Warming up some
Tetrazini? Choking the chicken? No, no. Loser was traversing the "palace"
and he did so until 11:50am. After that, it was quiet until 12:04pm when
Loser got up off the couch and went back to bed. At 12:08, Loser was back
up making a phone call. That lasted ten seconds. A disappointed Loser traversed
the "palace" for four minutes and went beddy-bye (in the middle of the
day) again. At 12:28pm, Loser was up and around again. Is Loser losin'
it? At 12:41, Loser made a phone call. Within two minutes Loser was pacing
the "palace" in the all too familiar circular pattern. He made twenty loops
around the "palace" through the call that lasted until 12:43. All was quiet
after that until Loser began traversing the "palace" at 1:12pm. Loser left
the "palace" at 1:14 and was back within five minutes. Loser took a thirteen-minute
shower. After the shower, it was time to pace. At 1:37, he makes another
phone call and began pacing intermittent loops around the "palace." He
made six loops before the call was over at 1:43pm. Loser makes another
phone call at 1:51 sans pacing. The call lasted three minutes. At
1:57, Loser makes yet another phone call. that lasted until 2:03 sans
pacing. After the call was over, Loser began pacing feverishly for two
minutes until he left the "palace" at 2:05pm. In all the calls, Loser was
doing all the talking. What does he have to talk about? Can you imagine
a conversation with Loser?
"Guess what I did all week? Yep, I did absolutely nothing. Well, I
really like to walk around the "palace" a lot. I have so many wonderful
things, like my meat grinder. Yeah, I have my own meat grinder. I like
fresh meat. Blah. Blah. Blah. And, I folded my socks again. I don't know
why I never seem to like the way I fold them. You know, I don't think socks
were meant to be folded. Blah. Blah. Blah. My subscription to ManDate
was the best investment I ever made. Blah. Blah. Blah. "Stooge?" Errr ...
Ahh ... He transferred to another school. Yeah ... uhhh ... I don't hear
from him any more ... Errr ... Do you want my Tetrazini recipe?"
Yes, who wouldn't look forward to a call from Loser! Loser returned at
2:53pm. The traversing started immediately. At 2:59, Loser makes yet another
phone call lasting four minutes. The K-Mart was on at 3:14 and was off
at 3:22pm, which lead into another phone call that lasted 10 seconds. It
was quiet until 3:45 when Loser made another phone call. This call lasted
two minutes and required the traversing of the "palace." The traversing
continues until Loser left at 4:25pm. Loser returned at 4:54 and went right
into the old back and forth traversing pattern. The traversing attenuated
gradually. Loser made another phone call at 5:41 and this, too, was brief.
At 6:01pm, the meat grinder was on for a few minutes. Then, it was quiet
again. I left at 6:20 and return at 6:50pm. As I enter my place, I hear
Loser traversing feverishly in the "palace." This continues until 7:25pm
when it sounds like Loser is rolling around on the floor. SPOONS! Then,
there is a loud thud. Did he hit his head on the meat grinder? The K-Mart
is on at 8:10pm. Loser is now traversing in burst of about ten minutes
at a time. This continues again until 8:56pm when it sounds like Loser
is tumbling around on the floor again. SPOONS! Loser gets up and begins
traversing almost continuously until 9:15pm, when it sounds like he is
rolling around on the floor. SPOONS! There is a loud thud again. Actually,
I think Loser hasn't been traversing. He's been on the floor rolling around
all this time. The meat grinder is going crazy in the background and the
K-Mart is no longer on. Did he get his new issue of ManDate? Is
that why he's been doing spoons all night? At 9:20pm it is quiet again.
The meat grinder is now off, too. Loser gets up off the floor at 9:21pm.
It is quiet again until 9:48pm when the K-Mart is on again. There is continuous
traversing of the "palace" until 10:24 when Loser leaves for two minutes.
It is quiet again, as the K-Mart is off and Loser is not pacing. At 11:45pm
Loser drains the lizard and the traversing starts up again. The traversing
tapers off as it get later in the evening. At 12:55am the K-Mart is turned
on for a brief moment, and then Loser picks up the pace (not the picanté
sauce). Loser toned it down eventually, which leads me to suspect that
he passed out.
Sunday April 30
Loser got up just before I left at eleven. I returned at 12:30pm, and Loser
was in the shower. The shower ended at 12:41. Loser then took a whiz. He
began pacing about the "palace" feverishly until 12:56 when he left. Loser
returned at 1:18 and once again began pacing feverishly. It sounded like
he was exercising (or you know what). There was a brief intermission, then
Loser began traversing feverishly. He dropped a couple of things in the
process which made me suspicious about what he was really doing. Loser
left the "palace" again at 1:49pm. I left at 3:30pm and return at 8:30.
Loser returns home at 8:50 and begins traversing the "palace" immediately.
He continues this odd behavior until 9:00pm when he drained the lizard.
Then, he was on the phone complete with the back and forth traversing.
He is practically yelling, no doubt to insure that everyone knows he is
back at the "palace." But really, who cares? Back and forth. Back and forth.
Loser is practically stomping. Don't you wish you had it goin' on like
Loser? Loser pauses every now and then from stomping and traversing, but
these are few and far between. The call ends at 9:20 but the traversing
continues for about five minutes. After that, it is quiet. Then, Loser
has a disappointing one-flusher at 9:50pm. Loser attempts to make another
phone call but that lasts about ten seconds. All the while, Loser is feverishly
traversing the "palace." He continues this pathological behavior until
9:56pm. It is quiet again. At 10:15, the pacing picks up again and goes
almost non-stop until 10:45pm. It is quiet again. At 11:05, the traversing
resumes. There is the addition of the odd pounding at 11:17pm. The pacing
continues until Loser leaves at 11:32pm. Loser is pacing back and forth
along a ten-foot diagonal path this evening. Loser returns at 11:55pm.
There are now intermittent bursts of pacing. Who knows what he is doing
up there. Sounds like he might be shrinking some heads again. It is quiet
until 2:20am when Loser is on the phone or talking to himself. The call
ends at 2:32am, and Loser traverses the "palace" for a few minutes and
then goes beddy-bye.
Monday May 1, 1995
Loser got up around eight, and began pacing. What else is new? He then
takes his shower, and resumes pacing as he always does, prior to his departure.
Loser left at 8:55am. Loser returned at 11:20 and was on the phone immediately.
The call lasted around 30 seconds. At 11:32am it was quiet. However, at
12:05am, Loser began traversing the "palace" again. He was in the can for
a few minutes. Only a two-flusher. He continued the pacing until he left
at 12:19pm. Loser returned at 12:56pm and began traversing immediately.
At 1pm, Loser made a phone call and, naturally, this required him to pace
back and forth during his boring conversation. At 1:04, Loser opened his
balcony door. Loser was going on and on about nothing all the while pacing.
"Yeah. I got up this morning and took a shower. Man, you wouldn't believe
all the things I discovered about the "palace." Yeah. If you walk back
and forth in here for several hours it really seems a lot bigger than it
is!" he is probably telling some poor, unwitting fool. At 1:11pm, Loser
was still on the phone, but he was now pacing in his circular pattern.
He was pacing feverishly, making a loop in about 15 seconds. The call ends
after three loops, but Loser continued for four more loops. Then, he sat
down. How long will this last? At 2:30pm, Loser went out to check his mail.
He returned and behaved himself until 2:45pm when he began traversing the
"palace." This was his obligatory pre-phone call pacing. He must need to
"warm up" before calling people. The call and traversing continued until
3:11pm when Loser departed again. Loser returned at 3:24 and began traversing
the length of the "palace," going back and forth about seven times. He
was on the phone again at 3:25, and switched to his circular pacing. He
made six loops, then stopped for about a minute. He made another loop and
stopped. The call ended at 3:40 and Loser paced the "palace" right until
the moment he left at 3:47pm. Loser returned at 4:20 and was on the phone
immediately complete with the nauseating circular pacing. Twelve loops
around the "palace" and then a break. At 4:31, the K-Mart was turned on.
Fortunately, I left at 4:40pm. I return at 9:07pm, and guess what I hear
upon arriving? Yep, Loser is pacing non-stop. I have no idea what he is
doing up there. He is walking back and forth. Back and forth. No tube.
No K-Mart. Just pacing. Back and forth. Loser takes a short break. I hear
some water running. Then, it is back to work! Back and forth. Loser finally
departs the "palace" at 9:24pm. Loser returns at 12:24 and traverse the
"palace" until 12:40 when he decides to watch the tube. Naturally, the
audio is courtesy the K-Mart all-in-one. At 1:50am, Loser has to stretch
his legs. The K-Mart is providing the audio track for Loser's television
so that all his neighbors can join in the fun with him. Isn't that nice
of Loser? What a thoughtful dummy he is! Looks like our feature presentation
is over at 2:02am. Loser decides to get in a little more pacing, though.
Then, Loser takes a PowerWhiztm at 2:05am,
which is actually louder than the K-Mart all-in-one. After that, Bozo goes
Tuesday May 2
You know, it is already the month of May and Loser still has no idea that
he is featured on the Web. He is a Web personality! Go Loser! There are
a lot more powerful adjectives that can be used to describe Loser, but
unfortunately those kinds of words are not allowed here at Loser's Web
site. Loser woke up and took his shower. He went through "palace" rediscovery
between ten and ten-twenty. Loser made a phone call that lasted about a
minute. Then, Loser left. I left at 11:25 and returned at 2:55pm only to
hear Loser pacing. Fortunately I was outta here at 3:05pm. I returned at
4:45 with my own K-Mart all-in-one so I can compete with Loser. I could
not afford the Bose Acoustic Wave. I was playing my K-Mart all-in-one so
I didn't hear Loser while he was pacing. I left again at 6pm to go find
some rap CDs. I return at 10:50pm and Loser is not home! Where is Loser?
Has he got it goin' on? Loser returns at 2:09am and piddles around until
2:35am. No one knows whether he passed out after that.
Wednesday May 3
Loser was up and around at five. There was pacing. There was a shower.
There was more pacing and then Loser left at 6:05am. I left at ten and
returned at 11:30am. No Loser. I left again at 11:45am. I returned at 1:30pm.
Loser must have sleeping as he got up when I put on some rap tunes on my
K-Mart all-in-one. I left again at 2:55pm and returned at 3:20 only to
leave again. I get back in at 9:15pm. Loser is pacing in his favorite circular
pattern while on the phone. What else is new? I turn my K-Mart on again
and drop some house tunes on him. I could still hear Loser pacing around
up there! At 11pm, I drop some rap tunes on him. Loser is traversing the
"palace" feverishly. He makes another phone call. I have the rap tunes
low so as not to disturb anyone, unlike some other people we know. So,
I can hear Loser talking away. Maybe I better turn up the tunes. Loser
takes a whiz at 2:20am and beddy-bye. Beddy-bye. Beddy-bye for Bozo! Bozo-o-o-o!
Bozo! Bozo-o-o-o! Yeah! (sing-along)
Thursday May 4
Loser got up around 11:15am although there was no pacing. At 12:30pm, Loser
took his twelve-minute shower. I left at 12:55 and returned at 4:07pm.
Loser left at 4:10 and returned at 4:21pm. There was some assorted pacing,
so I had to turn my new K-Mart all-in-one on to drown him out. Oddly, I
could still hear him. At 6:50pm, Loser made a three-minute phone call sans
the pacing. Phone call number two was at 7:30pm. As I decided to stay in,
I am now switching tenses as I usually do when I come back in for the night.
Loser is traversing the "palace" while he is on the phone. Of course, you
knew that already. At 7:36pm, Loser opens his balcony door and steps out.
I can hear him clearly now as he talks on the phone. He steps back into
the "palace" and begins his laborious full circular pacing. He makes eight
loops. Then, he begins traversing the "palace" in his back and forth pattern.
The call is over at 7:42pm. Yet another call is made at 7:44pm. Loser makes
five loops around the "palace" before stepping out on his balcony again.
Then, eight more loops until 7:45 when Loser begins the back and forth
traversing. The call and pacing end at 7:51pm. At 8pm, Loser takes his
second shower of the day that lasts eight minutes. Why does he have to
take two showers? He has not done anything all day. Excuse me, he did pace
around vigorously for a while. I suspect that he was pulling the bishop
today, too. There is some assorted traversing again. Then, it is quiet.
Maybe it is time for me to throw some rap tunes on him. At 8:30pm Loser
begins traversing the "palace" again. He is also piddling around in the
"palace" commissary. Is he warming up some "Stooge" Tetrazini? All was
quiet after that, that is, until 10:15pm. Loser makes another phone call.
Two minutes. At 10:35pm, Loser makes yet another phone call. At 10:47pm,
Loser is still talking on the phone and he is stomping his foot on the
floor. The call finally ends at 10:49pm. Then, it is quiet again. At 11:40pm,
Loser turns on his K-Mart. He takes a whiz at 12:08am. At 12:43, Loser
turns the K-Mart off and goes beddy-bye. He's up again at 12:55. He piddles
around until 1:43am when he turns on his K-Mart all-in-one. At 1:48am,
Loser turns off the K-Mart and tries to go beddy-bye again.
Friday May 5
Hola! It's Cinco de Mayo! However, up in the "palace," it is Loser de Mayo.
Loser got up around eight and was already traversing the "palace." He took
an eighteen-minute shower, traversed again for a while and left at 8:40am.
Loser returned at 10:17. Loser continued his phone frenzy with calls made
at 11:25am, 11:52am and 3:10pm. I had to turn my K-Mart all-in-one on after
that. Loser went out to check his mail at 3:25pm and began traversing again.
I left within minutes. I return at 9:20pm and all is quiet. So, I turn
on some house music. Within minutes, Loser is up and around. He must have
been napping again. At 11:08pm, Loser takes a whiz. All I know is that
I need to get some Terminator-X! Loser turns his K-Mart all-in-one on around
midnight. Looks like we are going to have a power play with the K-Marts.
Who will be the winner? Not Loser! Oh boy. Loser turns off his K-Mart at
1:11am and goes night-night.
Saturday May 6
Hola! The Cinco de Mayo celebration continues! Up in the "palace," it's
Loser de Mayo with Loser on the phone seconds after getting up at 11:15am.
Does he sleep with his phone? Well, that is a another story, eh? The call
requires some traversing, so Loser gets up out of bed and does a little
soft-shoe for us on the dance floor. The call ends at 11:26am. All was
quiet until Loser went into the can at noon. Twelve minutes later, the
results are in. It was a disappointing one-flusher. Loser steps into the
shower right after that. Does he take his phone with him in there, too?
Loser needs to get a cellular. However, I don't think that K-Mart sells
cellular phones. And, Loser is always at the "palace" so the range of his
cordless will suffice. Imagine Loser at school with his cellular phone.
All of the babes in class will be impressed! He would be compelled to make
a call during one of the boring lectures. Of course, this will require
pacing around the classroom. Boy, I know I'd be impressed! Loser's shower
lasts 14 minutes. He immediately traversed the "palace" for a couple of
minutes, probably to dry off. Then, another flush. Looks like it was a
two-flusher after all. Loser did some assorted traversing before taking
his laundry down to the laundry room at 12:39pm. At 1:20pm, he put the
load into the dryer. At two, I turn my K-Mart on as Loser was still traversing
the "palace." At 2:35pm, Loser turned his K-Mart on. Whassup wi' dat? There
was more pacing, naturally. Fortunately, I left at 3:30pm. I returned at
6:20 and all was quiet. I was doing a quick car wash when Loser came back
at 7:20. Someone dropped him off. Was that "stooge"? I left at 7:22 and
return at 10:45pm. Loser is home. He is doing some sporadic traversing
until 11:35 when he takes another shower. After the five-minute shower,
he drains the lizard. Then, it is quiet except for some random traversing.
Loser passes out at 2:35am.
Sunday May 7
Loser woke up at 11:49am. At noon, Loser turned on his K-Mart all-in-one.
At 12:07pm, Loser made one of his routine phone calls. The call lasted
two minutes. There was an assortment of pacing routines all afternoon.
I had to throw some classic tunes on him. At 2:25pm, the meat grinder was
grinding away. Loser must have been cooking up another batch of his famous
"Stooge" Tetrazini. I left the fun and games at 3:40pm. I return at 5:30
and Loser returns at 5:54pm. I turn my K-Mart on. At 6:05pm Loser leaves
the "palace." Loser returns at 6:48. All is quiet until 6:55 when Loser
goes downstairs to the soda machine. He returns immediately to the "palace."
At 7:14pm, Loser makes a phone call. The call lasts 21 minutes. Midway
through the call, Loser was pounding his foot on the floor. Then, it is
quiet again. At 8:50pm, Loser makes another call, this time with the pacing.
I cannot recollect how long the call went on for, but I do know that Loser
had to pick up the pace (no, not the picanté sauce) at 8:50pm. This
went on for ten minutes. After that, Loser was in the can for 15 minutes,
and it's only a two-flusher. The pacing picks up again. It makes me wonder
if Loser is having intestinal problems. He may believe that pacing will
increase his regularity. At 9:35pm, Loser goes downstairs to the soda machine,
buying not one but two cans of soda. When he returns, he begins traversing
the "palace." This goes on non-stop until 10:10pm. At 11:21, Loser takes
a seven-minute shower. After all, he worked up a sweat by pacing (or choking
the chicken). After the shower, Loser continues ... you guessed it! ...
pacing for a few minutes. It is then quiet until ... one flush. Two flushes.
Three flushes. Four flushes. Holy mackerel! Loser has a FOUR-FLUSHER! Loser
has broken his own record! I knew he could do it! Oddly, Loser now no longer
needed to pace. Finally he goes beddy-bye at 12:38am. And, he's up again
at 1:07 for one brief traversal, then it's beddy-bye attempt number two.
And he's up again at 1:15 for one brief traversal, then it's beddy-bye
attempt number three. And, he's up again at 1:53 for one brief traversal,
then it's beddy-bye attempt number four. And, he's up again at 2:07am.
Loser traverses the "palace" and winds up on the couch. What next? Wait!
I hear the tube. Oh boy. It's going to be a long night.
Monday May 8
I don't know whether Loser passed out or not last night, but I was rudely
awakened by Loser pacing. At 8:35am, Loser made a phone call lasting about
a minute. Loser made another call five minutes later. After a little more
traversing, Loser left the "palace" at 8:45am. Loser returned at 11:15
and began traversing the "palace" immediately. At 11:20am, Loser made a
one-minute phone call. At 11:43, he made another phone call. And, at 11:48am,
Loser made yet another phone call with non-stop pacing action. Fortunately,
I was outta here at 11:50am. I returned at 3:40pm. As I walked into my
place, I could hear Loser traversing the "palace." Back and forth. Back
and forth. It really is unbelievable, isn't it? I mean, he knows he doesn't
have a life. Why doesn't he just sit down and face the facts! At 3:56pm,
it was quiet, too quiet. Then, at 4:00pm, one flush. Two flushes. Loser
had a three-flusher! After that, it was real quiet. Wait a minute. Feverish
pacing and back to the can. Then, a FOUR-FLUSHER! Hmmm. Is he trying to
hold it in until the last minute? Knowing Loser, this is how he amuses
himself. I am surprised I don't hear an explosion when finally goes in
the can. At 4:19pm, Loser was pacing feverishly about the "palace" again.
Was this the prelude to another FOUR-FLUSHER? Apparently not, as Loser
left at 4:22. He probably had to go out and buy some more TP. He should
go to Costco where he can buy in bulk.
Loser returned at five. It was quiet until 6:30pm when Loser began traversing
the "palace." At 6:35pm, Loser vacuumed that dump for ten minutes. At 6:55pm,
Loser was once again in his full pacing glory. At 6:57pm, Loser made a
phone call that lasted all of ten seconds. Actually, I suspected that he
was talking to himself. At 7:09pm, Loser took out the trash or the bones
left after he whipped up another batch of "Stooge" Tetrazini. There was
assorted pacing after that, naturally. I couldn't take it any more so I
left at 8:10. I return at 8:50pm. Loser is still doing some assorted traversing.
At 9:20, Loser makes another ten-second phone call. By 9:30pm, Loser is
in his full pacing glory. Then, at 9:33pm, it is mysteriously quiet. Five
minutes later, one flush. Two flushes. Loser has a two-flusher! Good thing
he bought more TP. At 10:01pm, Loser picks up the pace. He is also rolling
something on the kitchen floor. Is he shrinking some heads tonight? Then,
at 10:10pm, it is quiet once again. Loser talks to himself at 11:17 and
takes a whiz at 11:43. Somewhere around midnight, Loser goes night-night
(hopefully for good). Nope, he's up again at 12:24am. I sure hope this
is not going to be a repeat of last night. Whew! Loser traverses the "palace"
for about four minutes. What I am trying to understand is how getting up
repeatedly and traversing the "palace" is going to cure his insomnia. Maybe
it's not insomnia. Maybe he shrunk his own head a little too much.
Tuesday May 9
Loser woke up at eleven and paced around for 15 minutes. It was quiet until
11:40am when Loser opened his balcony door. A minute later, Loser was on
the phone. At 11:50am, I left, thank goodness. I returned at 1:40pm. Loser
was home and behaving himself. At 1:44pm, Loser took a fifteen-minute shower.
After the shower, he began traversing the "palace." At 2:14, Loser left.
It was nice and quiet for the rest of the afternoon until I left at 3:50pm.
I return at 10:15pm and, as I walk in my place, I hear Loser on the phone.
I pop Terminator-X in my K-Mart all-in-one. At 11:05pm, I can hear Loser
traversing feverishly in the "palace." He continues this stupidity until
11:20pm when he goes downstairs to the soda machine. He returns to the
"palace" and is more sedate. At 11:41pm, Loser takes a whiz. There is assorted
pacing throughout the remainder of the evening. I can actually hear this
over Terminator-X and 2Pac! At 12:17am, Loser appears to have come to life
in full pacing glory. What he really needs is a swift kick in the ass!
Ooops. This kind of language is not allowed on Loser's Web provider. Maybe
he's building up to another FOUR-FLUSHER. You know, I recall sometime in
Fall (before the official chronicles), Loser took one hell of a dump. He
plugged up his toilet and it overflowed. Naturally, the dirty dung-infested
water leaked through the ceiling into my bathroom. This is the kind of
Loser that I am dealing with here ... the very same Loser who is feverishly
traversing the "palace" as we speak. He probably doesn't like rap. Well,
at least I am not vacuuming at 2:30 in the morning like some other idiot
we know named Loser. Let's face it. Loser needs to wake up and check the
clock, because he sure doesn't know what time it is (literally and figuratively).
Loser went beddy-bye at 12:47am. Oh boy! He's up again a minute later,
traversing. Did he forget his teddy bear? Then, beddy-bye attempt number
Wednesday May 10
Loser got up around eight, and was doing some assorted pacing. At 8:21am,
Loser began his pathetic circular pacing, each laborious and painful loop
made around the circumference of the whole "palace." He made ten loops,
stopped to wash something (probably his hand). Then, he made three more
loops before departing the beloved "palace." A car pulled up and parked
in the red zone. It was "stooge"'s car! I thought he was in Loser's freezer.
Loser got out and "stooge" opened the hatchback. Loser got his junk out.
"Stooge" looked over into my window, making me wonder whether they have
finally discovered their notoriety on the Web. They both go upstairs to
the "palace." One of them had to take a whiz. Then, "stooge" leaves at
12:22pm. I wondered to myself why "stooge" has not been coming over to
do spoons with Loser any more. Loser was on the phone at 12:33 for three
minutes, at 12:56 for nine minutes, again at 1:09pm until 1:18pm, at 1:25pm
to 1:34pm, and AGAIN at 1:50 for five minutes. The K-Mart was on for five
minutes after that, then Loser left the "palace" at 2:12pm. Has Loser got
it goin' on or has he got it goin' on?
Loser returned at 2:35pm, and there was assorted pacing, naturally.
At 3:05, Loser turned on his K-Mart. He took a whiz at 3:46. I left at
4:01 and return at nine. I hear Loser talking when I get in. I thought
he was on the phone again. It turns out that "stooge" must be there. Loser
must be happy as a clam as he talking real loud. There is a lot of pacing
around. Fortunately, the moron is not doing spoons on the floor with "stooge."
I'd have to toss my cookies. At 10:04pm, Loser turns on his K-Mart. Sounds
like the audio to the tube. He must have rented a video for "stooge." At
10:55, Loser cranks up the K-Mart. I guess he wants all of us to know that
he has got it goin' on. At 11pm, either "stooge" or Loser takes a whiz.
Boy, they must be having some kind of fun up there. There is a lot of stomping
around. They should just turn out the lights and break out the Vaseline.
They both know that they want it, and they want it now! Actually, Loser
probably did not rent the video. That's probably ManDate Video Magazine
that they are watching. It will be spoons anytime now! It turns out that
"stooge" left. Loser was feverishly traversing the "palace" at 11:15pm.
I suspect that he made a pass at "stooge" and was rejected. Loser drains
the lizard at 11:31. At 11:50pm, Loser turns the K-Mart down a little but
it is still loud. Finally, at 11:52pm Loser sits his ass down. He drains
the lizard again at 12:15pm. He must have had a drinking party up there.
Watch out! Loser, the party stud! At 12:16am, Loser is drumming the "palace"
furniture. This goes on for three minutes. Then, at 12:37am, Loser is in
the can. Five minutes later, it's a one-flusher. He goes back in the can
for five minutes at 12:52pm and it's a two-flusher. After this series of
dumps, Loser goes night-night.
Thursday May 11
Loser was awakened by a phone call at 9:23am. He stumbled out of bed and
staggered over to his stupid phone. I was mistaken, apparently, in believing
that no one calls Loser. He must have his ringer down real low. So, he
might actually got it goin' on. Loser was on the phone again at 9:32 for
six minutes. He took a whiz and opened his front door. If any of the babes
walked by and saw Loser without his shirt, they might want to jump him!
Either that or "stooge" had time to rethink Loser's offer and is coming
over to do spoons with Loser. At 10:09am, Loser was on the phone again.
Nineteen minutes later, Loser was still on the phone but threw in some
pacing as a good measure of fun. The meat grinder/printer was going at
it about that time, which led me to believe that "stooge" needed something
done on the computer. That is why he came over to "party" with Loser. "Stooge"
is basically a ho'. He is leading Loser on just to get some stuff printed
out on Loser's computer. At 10:41, Loser made one loop around the "palace."
He was, of course, still on the phone and, no doubt, hoping that "stooge"
will come over to do spoons with him. At 10:44, I could no longer hear
the meat grinder. Loser was still on the phone at 10:51. He was laughing
and carrying on, and augmented by some assorted pacing. The call ended
at 11:06. At 11:23, Loser opened his front door again. Who was he looking
for? Loser was in the can until 11:45 and it was only a one-flusher. About
a minute later, Loser was either talking to himself or he had another one
of those five-second phone calls. At 11:56, Loser was pacing feverishly
in a constricted area. Then, he was heard piddling with his junk. He finally
parked his ass at 12:05pm. At 12:18, Loser jumped up and ran to his front
door checking again for someone. Is "stooge" coming by? If only "stooge"
knew how much Loser anticipates his visit.
At 12:30, the moment we have all been waiting for arrived. Yes, Loser
broke out in full pacing glory. At 12:34, Loser was on the phone again.
Then, a minute later there was a knock on the door. It was not "stooge."
So, who or what was loser waiting for? At 12:50 Loser stepped into the
shower. I left at 12:55 and returned at 4:06. Loser was not home so I relaxed
for a few minutes. I departed again at 4:40pm. I return at 8:45pm, and
as I enter my place I hear Loser practically yelling. He is on the phone.
For a minute, I thought it was another soirée like last night.
Loser is happy as a clam. He begins pacing at 9:10pm. He paces for about
twenty minutes then stops for five minutes, then he repeats this routine
until 10:35pm when the call finally ends. I won't even speculate on what
he has to talk about. Loser finally calms down and all is quiet. At 1:35am,
Loser comes to life again, feverishly pacing about the "palace," no doubt
getting ready for another exciting day. Whew! Maybe he's getting his shrunken
head collection ready for a show-and-tell session. Loser takes a PowerWhiztm
at 1:41. Then, he sits down and watches the tube. Who knows when the imbecile
Friday May 12
Loser got up at 8:55am, and was stumbling about. Apparently, he overslept.
He left within minutes. I hoped that he didn't forget to take his shrunken
head collection. Loser returned at 12:10pm. He was on the phone complete
with pacing at 12:16. Fortunately, I left at 12:20 and returned at 2:20.
Loser was home, of course. At 2:25, Loser was on the phone. The call lasted
until 2:36pm, and then Loser went out to check his mail. At 3:11, Loser
was on the phone for five minutes. Who is he calling? I have a feeling
Loser is calling those 1-900-SEX-TALK numbers. I left at 3:50 and return
at 7:75. All was quiet so I thought Loser went home. I almost started singing
his theme song when I heard the tube. Loser is actually sitting and watching
the tube. Is he feeling okay? Well, the night is still young.
Saturday May 13
Loser was so quiet last night I thought that he may have accidentally mummifed
himself when he was shrinking heads. Loser got up around nine, made a loop
around the "palace," and went back to bed. At 9:29, Loser got up again
and was either on the phone or talking to himself for three seconds. Loser
took a fourteen-minute shower at 9:30. After the shower, Loser drained
the lizard. Then, at 9:49, Loser had a short burst of pacing and was on
the phone. for a couple of minutes. At 10am, Loser was piddling around
in the commissary. Within minutes, Loser was traversing the "palace" feverishly.
Loser left the "palace" at 10:04. It looks like some other stooge driving
a red Eclipse gave him a ride somewhere (the original "stooge" drives a
gold Scirocco). Loser returned at 11:10, making all kinds of noise. He
was carrying something heavy and needed to make sure that all of would
notice since he kept plopping the piece of junk on the floor. Sounded like
his trusty vacuum cleaner. No doubt, Loser lent out his vacuum cleaner
to buy more friends. He spent a considerable amount of time traversing
and what sounded like him setting something up. Loser was probably cleaning
his vacuum cleaner, his pride and joy. At 11:17, Loser was on the phone
about five seconds, or he was talking to his vacuum cleaner. At 11:19,
Loser has sat down and all that could be heard was the tube. At 11:45,
Loser was traversing the "palace" and dropping something heavy repeatedly.
Loser took a whiz at 11:50 and traversed feverishly for a couple of minutes
before departing. I left at 11:58 and returned at 1:10. Loser was home
and was quiet until 1:29pm when he began traversing the "palace." He parked
his ass at 1:36pm, but he was on the phone at 1:39. The pacing was added
in at 1:45. Loser made seven slow and laborious loops around the "palace"
until the call ended at 1:50. It was quiet until two when Loser was up
and piddling with his vacuum cleaner. Does he sleep with that thing or
what? He probably has a "special" attachment that he uses when he cuddles
up with the latest issue of ManDate. Loser began traversing again
at 2:04pm, which was coincident with another phone call. The call lasted
a few seconds, allowing Loser only one loop around the "palace." Loser
went into the can at 2:06. Five minutes later, one flush. A second flush.
It was just another disappointing two-flusher. Loser traversed a couple
of laps and sat down (hopefully).
You know, all Loser does is pace and traverse, talk on the phone, and
take humongous dumps. As I have always said, Loser is a man of many talents.
Loser continued his sporadic traversing until 2:35. About that time, he
must have turned the tube on. I left at 3:40 and returned at six. It was
so quiet that I thought Loser was gone but, no ... within two minutes,
Loser began traversing to let me know that the king was in his "palace."
At 6:07pm, Loser was talking to someone. I don't think he was on the phone.
I think he was talking to his vacuum cleaner or his shrunken head collection.
At 6:20, the conversation ended and the pacing began.
Loser is doing some unusual things in his kitchen. There is a lot of
squeaking noises kind of like when he does spoons on the floor. What a
loser! Loser continued to create a disturbance by moving his junk as noisily
as possible. At 6:40, Loser was out on the balcony screwing around with
the ugly blue tarp that covers his empty box collection. Does he have a
date coming over tonight? Nah, his "date," the vacuum cleaner, is already
there. Actually, Loser could claim that he's cohabiting. What the ... it
sounded like Loser was choking the chicken out on the balcony. I better
close my window! This activity continued until 6:56pm when Loser went back
into the "palace" and initiated his non-stop pacing mode. At 7:01, Loser
opened his front door for ten seconds, closed it, and resumed non-stop
pacing. Loser took out some trash at 7:02 and was back in three minutes
to continue ... guess what? PACING! Loser was taxing my sanity so I left
at 7:26. I return at 11:40pm, and within a span of two minutes Loser comes
to life. He begins his sporadic pacing. At 11:59pm, it's time for a thirty-second
phone call. It's now Mother's Day. Why isn't Loser at home doing something
for moms? He's a loser, that's why. Well, since no one wants to talk to
him on the phone, it's time for Loser to start pacing. Loser has the tube
on with audio courtesy the K-Mart all-in-one. At 1:04am, Loser takes a
whiz. After that, Loser makes a four-minute phone call. And, what better
time to turn meat grinder on than 1:14 in the morning? For Loser, a moron
whose world is only 14x20 (in feet), nothing else matters but he and his
vacuum cleaner. The K-Mart, incidentally, is being turned up and down repeatedly.
This stupidity continues until 3:20am when Loser, the jackass, goes night-night.
Sunday May 14
Loser got up around 9:50am, although I cannot figure out why. He took a
whiz and plopped down on his couch. Then he was up again. Then back to
the couch. Then, up again. Then, the couch. Then, up again, but this time
he made a loop around the "palace." At 10:11, Loser made his first phone
call that lasted one minute. At 10:32, Loser began traversing the "palace"
in a sporadic fashion. At 11:14, Loser threw in some pounding (pulling
the bishop) for good measure. This continued until 11:31am, when Loser
made a fifteen-second phone call. At 11:47, Loser made yet another phone
call that lasted five minutes. At noon, Loser made yet another phone call.
Loser went on and on for twenty minutes. At 12:23pm, Loser made yet another
phone call. This lasted two minutes and was concluded by his belching.
At 12:31pm, Loser was once again traversing the "palace." This stupidity
continued until 12:49. Loser made another phone call, but he was much more
animated and was practically yelling. However, it only lasted until one.
At 1:21, Loser began traversing again continuing until 1:45. Then, it was
quiet again. At 2:09pm, the traversing started up again and goes non-stop.
Loser also made another thirty-second phone call. I left at 2:14 and I
returned at 2:35. Loser was up in the "palace" doing what sounded like
spoons. Then, he resumed traversing the "palace." I could hear Loser talking,
but it was too soft for him to be on the phone. I really think that he
was talking to himself or to his shrunken head collection. He probably
calls each one by name. At 2:41, Loser was definitely on the phone. He
was speaking louder and was more animated. The call lasted about a minute.
At 2:56, amidst the traversing, Loser was once again heard talking to the
shrunken heads. Fortunately, I left again at three.
I return at 5:40pm and it is so quiet that I think Loser is gone. All
of his blinds are shut and the shades are down. But at six, Loser comes
to life and is in his full pacing glory. What the hell is he doing in the
dark? Well, you and I can just imagine what he's doing, but then can we?
It is really pathetic. At 6:22, Loser takes a seven-minute shower. He must
have really worked up a sweat pulling the bishop all day! After the shower,
Loser takes a whiz. The K-Mart all-in-one is providing entertainment for
all. Loser leaves around 6:35pm, leaving the K-Mart on. He returns at 7:12pm
and turns the K-Mart up louder. He is watching some kind of movie and wants
the real theatre effect. At 8:12, the feature presentation must be over.
So, now is a good time to crank up the meat grinder. Never a dull moment
at the "palace." Loser does some sporadic pacing until about ten when it
was quiet. I hear Loser rolling around in bed. What? Beddy-bye already?
Wassup wi' dat?
Monday May 15
For the life of me, I cannot figure out why Loser gets up early. He was
pacing at 7:15am non-stop until 7:31am when he made a phone call which
lasted about a minute. After the call, the pacing resumed and went non-stop
until 8:03. Loser made another phone call sans the pacing. The call lasted
about two minutes. Loser took a shower at 8:12. The shower was thirteen
minutes. He took a whiz and began traversing the "palace" feverishly until
8:37am when Loser made a twenty-second phone call. At 8:39, Loser either
made a ten-second call or he was talking to himself. He continued the feverish
traversing until he left at 8:41. I have a feeling that he was pulling
the bishop again. Loser returned at 11:31. I left at 11:32 and returned
at 11:56. When I enter my place, I hear Loser on the phone. The remainder
of the call was about two minutes. It was quiet until 12:11pm when Loser
began traversing again. At 12:17, Loser was definitely talking to himself
as he said two short phrases out loud. At 12:24, Loser parked his ass,
but now the K-Mart was on.
Rumor has it that Loser will be gone for the Summer but is planning
to return to the "palace" in Fall. Hopefully, the "palace" will be relocated.
As much fun as it was to have Loser provide countless material for his
Web page, we don't want to put up with his stupidity again, do we? Loser
was up and around again at 12:29 in full pacing glory. If I had to guess,
I'd say the blinds are shut and the shades are pulled down. Loser has his
own secret, dark little empire, but we know he's pulling the bishop! He
sat his ass down again, but now the K-Mart is turned up even more. At 12:37,
Loser drained the lizard. At 1:03, Loser was on the phone for five seconds,
or else you know what he was doing. At 1:08, Loser is allegedly on the
phone for twenty seconds. Then, he turns the K-Mart down. At 1:09, Loser
was in the can. Nine minutes later, one flush. A second flush. A third
flush. Loser had a THREE-FLUSHER! At 2:02, Loser sprung back to life and
broke into a feverish pace. He began pacing in a circular fashion at 2:05.
He made three loops, then left at 2:10. He returned five minutes later
and then left again immediately. Loser is a man on the move!
I left at 4:45pm and return at 9:15pm. As I enter the door, I can already
hear Loser pacing about feverishly like his ass is on fire. I immediately
turn on my K-Mart to drown out his stupidity. He was on the phone sometime
after 9:30pm, and there was a long intermission from pacing. Then, he went
into sporadic mode. Yes, Loser's pacing is that loud! At midnight, the
meat grinder is going full blast and Loser is going full blast ... pacing,
and let's see ... he is probably pacing around in his birthday suit while
pulling the bishop. He imagines that he is a fire engine and that issue
of ManDate lying over there on the floor with the centerfold open
is a raging fire that only he can put out. He shoots, he scores! Fire's
out! Loser puts his clothes on and paces feverishly for about fifteen minutes
and leaves the "palace" at 12:34. Loser returns at 12:43 and does guess
what? You already know. Loser goes beddy-bye around 12:50. Nope, he's up
again at 1:09 to drain the lizard. Now it's beddy-bye.
Tuesday May 16
Unbelievable as it may seem, Loser has made it!!! Loser is listed in Useless
Home Pages and is the Useless Site of the Week of May 15th!!! Go Loser!
Loser had an emergency at 4:47am which resulted in a two-flusher. He must
be anxious about something. Loser was awoken at 7:50am by a phone call.
At 8:25, Loser was pacing. There was a long series of knocks at around
8:30. It was "stooge." No wonder Loser has been nervous. And, no wonder
he had a two flusher at five in the morning. "Stooge" probably had Loser
print out something for him. So, he had to sit and keep Loser company to
schmooze him. Wouldn't it be simpler to just print it out at the lab? Loser
or "stooge" bellowed out something at 8:50. Then, "stooge" left at 9:08.
Loser was on the phone immediately. The call ended at 9:30. Hark! The meat
grinder/printer has been going wild in the background. What a maroon! At
9:40am, Loser was in non-stop pacing mode. The meat grinder was off at
10:20, which prompted a phone call, no doubt to "stooge." The call lasted
eight minutes. Loser then reverts to sporadic pacing mode. The call was
over at 10:28, so what else was there for Loser to do but pace around the
"palace." At 11:02, Loser took an eleven-minute shower. After the shower,
he paced briskly. Is this how he dries himself off? At 11:23, Loser opens
his front door and then closes it. Who was he looking for? He then paced
steadily until 11:30am when he took a two minute break. Subsequently, the
pacing resumed and continued until 11:35am when Loser left. Loser returned
at 11:57 and plopped himself on his couch. The tube was now on. Busy, busy,
busy. At 12:50, UPS delivered a package to Loser. Loser plopped onto his
bed for two minutes. I thought he was going to take a nap, but boy was
I wrong. At 12:58, Loser began a feverish session of non-stop traversing.
He took a break at 1:15 to drain the lizard. Then, it was back to traversing
the "palace." Loser was stomping from one end of the "palace" to the other
and returning. He repeated this pattern over and over again until another
break at 1:38pm when he took some time to drum the "palace" furniture.
Then, it was back to business. Back and forth. Back and forth. At 1:49,
Loser mysteriously stopped this benign activity. Did he lose his way? Within
seconds I heard a loud groan. Then, it was quiet. You want to guess what
happened? I have a feeling he was playing Fire Engine again. At 1:53, Loser
collapsed on his couch. At 1:59, Loser got up and plopped on his bed. He
was on the phone within seconds and got up off the bed. He traversed the
"palace" briefly. I was sure that he had plenty to talk about after his
little activity. Fortunately, I was outta here at 2:05.
I returned at 3:07 and all was quiet. Loser apparently left, destination
unknown. I left again at 3:45 and return at 5:45. All is quiet. Apparently,
Loser is still gone. At 8:45pm, Loser returns. He behaves himself until
9:34pm when he takes a whiz. This is enough to invoke his pacing mode.
He paces continuously until he leaves again at 9:46. Where the hell is
he going? To "stooge"'s? Like "stooge" really wants to see Loser. Loser
returns at about 1:15 and immediately begins traversing the "palace," in
a re-enactment of this afternoon's session. Is he playing Fire Engine again?
I am just waiting for the groan. Loser continues going back and forth until
3:20am when he takes a whiz. Then, it's back to putting out fires. Finally,
at 3:28am, Loser plops himself down on his couch. No groan so I guess the
Fire Engine's water pressure is low. Either that or he's grown tired of
that old issue of ManDate. At 3:42, Loser gets up and goes beddy-bye.
Nope, he's up again at 3:48 to shut his bathroom door. Is he afraid that
his much-abused commode is going to attack him while he sleeps? Then, night-night.
Wednesday May 17
Hey! I just figured out that Loser might be ecstatic now that he is also
featured in the May 17th submissions to Mirsky's Worst of the Web!
Loser is truly a Web personality! I know I was proud of Loser. Actually,
I don't think Loser is even aware of his fame. He is just too busy playing
Fire Engine in the "palace." Loser got up at 8:30 and traversed the "palace"
anxiously until he left at 8:52. Loser returned at 10:09. He only did some
sporadic pacing and plopped himself on his couch. At 10:30, he took a whiz
and went back to the couch. After keeping himself and me up all night,
it just wouldn't seem right to let Loser take a nap. At 10:40, I turned
on my K-Mart all-in-one. Coincidentally, within a minute, Loser began traversing
the "palace" feverishly. I turned the K-Mart off and left at 12:20pm, leaving
Loser to his pacing. I returned at 2:55 and all was quiet. I turned my
K-Mart on just in case Loser was trying to take a nap.
I left again at 3:28 and return at 9:15. Loser is not home, and it looks
like we are going to have a re-enactment of last night. So, let me take
the time to address a few issues since it is peaceful and quiet. A lot
of people felt sorry for Loser, and have defended Loser by calling me the
true loser. Well, you are right. But what would you do if you discovered
that I was Loser and I am actually writing this to tell all of you what
I do to the poor loser with no life living below me. I am Loser (upper
case "L") and he is loser (lower case "l"). Or, he is me and I am him.
So, is it Loser or is it loser? In any case, you're gonna hate the clown
downstairs. Boy, it can get complicated! Did you really think that my/his/our
personalities were simple and predictable? If I was loser (lower case "l"),
how would I know what Loser (upper case "L") is doing? Well, if I can hear
him, he can hear me. Awww, come on, you are probably thinking, this is
only a cheesy ruse to save your integrity. Really? No, not reeeeally! (I
stole that from the Chris Elliot/Tostitos tax refund ad).
Well, let's CHANGE roles for a while. I got home at 2:50 and paced around
my place because that's what loser (lower case "l") expects me to do. I
am too tired tonight because, let's face, doin' spoons with my buddy "stooge"
is physically taxing. I take a whiz. Then, I lay out on my couch, but I
must have passed out because it's already 5:30. I stumble over to my bed.
I get into bed. Ouch! Damnit! I just sat on one of my shrunken heads. And,
my new issue of ManDate ... I just creased it. Doooh!
Thursday May 18
(Note: roles still changed.) I was sleeping soundly and dreaming about
the fun I had last night with my buddy "stooge" until this loud pounding
from downstairs woke me. Was that loser (lower case "l")? If that was him,
he's in for some real pacing later today. This went on for about a minute.
Then, I realized that it was some chimp in the laundry room. It didn't
matter because loser (lower case "l") will pay for the chimp's stupidity.
This is no good, let's get back to the way it was. Loser got up at 11:23
and took a six-minute shower and a whiz. At 11:37, Loser traversed the
"palace" making three loops before leaving at 11:40. I left at 12:55pm
and returned at 4:10. I left again at 4:30 and I get back in at 8:30. I
thought Loser was gone, but he comes to life at 8:54 with some sporadic
pacing. At 10:54, there is an extended pacing session that lasts seven
minutes straight. And for his finale, Loser began traversing the "palace"
feverishly at 1:26am. I think he is playing Fire Engine again. This lasts
until 2:01. Then, it is quiet. I suppose if I wasn't watching Dragon,
I might have heard a groan again. At 2:26, Loser takes a whiz, then goes
Friday May 19
Loser got up around 8:30 and took his morning shower. There was five minutes
of traversing before Loser left at 8:55. Loser returned at 11:52. He was
quiet until 12:05 when he gave in to his compulsion to pace. That lasted
five minutes. Then, he lapsed into a coma again. I left at 12:45 and returned
at 4:15. There was some traversing from Loser at 4:34 which expedited my
departure at 4:45. I return at 7:12 only to hear Loser pacing away I enter
my place. I knew then and there that it was time to wash the car. I come
back in at 7:50. Not only is the pacing still going, but I also have the
pleasure of hearing Loser's K-Mart. The pacing stops at 9:24 and starts
back up at 9:40. Apparently Loser was warming up for his phone call at
9:55. Three minutes later, Loser is pounding his foot on the floor. I knew
that it was time for me turn my K-Mart on and throw some Terminator-X on
Loser. The call was still in progress at 10:25pm, but now Loser augments
the call with his circular pacing. He makes 42 loops around the "palace"
before taking a pacing break at 10:48. The call ends at 11:01. Loser must
be losin' it up there. At 11:12, Loser makes three loops. At 11:18, Loser
makes three more loops. At 11:50, Loser makes two loops. Finally, at 12:06,
Loser traverses briefly and goes beddy-bye. I just hope that the next time
he's shrinking heads up there that he accidentally mummifies his legs.
Well, I am sure we are all looking forward to another weekend of pacing
Saturday May 20
I did not realize that the babe that lives above Loser was home this weekend.
Now wonder Loser was pacing away and making phone calls. She was probably
doin' da wild thing with stud. I must confess that I would have started
pacing around feverishly, too, if I knew that all I had was my hand. Well,
I guess I had better start pacing right now! Loser got up at 10:44. He
took a whiz at 10:52 and stepped into the shower at 11:11. Just a leisurely
day for the ol' Loser. Loser's shower ends at 11:30 and he capped it off
with another whiz. How can anyone take a nineteen-minute shower? What does
he do in there? Was he putting out fires again? Well, on the other hand,
Loser did work up a sweat yesterday pacing around in a circle. Speaking
of pacing, Loser traversed the "palace" for about eleven minutes after
the shower and whiz. Shouldn't he have done this before the shower? Loser
was on the phone at 11:41 sans the pacing. Man, he has got it goin'
on! Loser is Mr. Popularity. Loser was talking a little quieter and not
pacing. He was probably talking to moms. The call ended at 12:14. Loser
traversed the "palace" for a couple of minutes. Then, it was quiet. Loser
made a twenty-second phone call at 12:22. Loser must have not been able
to talk to "stooge." This required traversing back and forth in the "palace"
until 12:33. Loser goes out to check the mail at 12:40. I left at 12:55
and returned at 1:30. Loser was not home. Where could he be? I left at
3:50 and returned at 6:35 only to be welcomed by Loser traversing and piddling
away up in the "palace."
I left again at 6:45 and return at 7:35. As I enter my place, I hear
Loser vacuuming. The vacuuming continued until 8:15. Now, how is it that
it takes over forty minutes to vacuum that 14x20 shoebox? It has only taken
him six minutes before. Well, we can just imagine what he's up to. After
the vacuuming, Loser engages in his favorite activity ... traversing!.
Back and forth. Back and forth. I wish he would sit his punk-ass down.
At 8:44, Loser goes down to the laundry room and returns to continue traversing.
Back and forth. I decide it's time to drop some Dr. Dre on him. At 8:55,
Loser drains the lizard, then continues traversing. Back and forth. At
9:15, Loser goes back down to the laundry room. He returns with his laundry
and uses that as an excuse to traverse even more. "Let me put my socks
here. Oh! I need to take this shirt all the way across the "palace." Oh!
My Power Ranger pajamas need to go all the way over there." Back and forth.
Back and forth. Why does he do laundry anyway? He wears the same outdated
Looks like it's gonna be a traversing marathon tonight. Jerry Lewis
should sign him up as one of the acts for the MD Labor Day Telethon. Loser
could have people pledge so much per lap. Jerry would break his record
with the way Loser can go on forever. Eveready should replace the rabbit
with Loser! He just keeps on goin' and goin' and goin' ... At ten, Loser
was still goin'. Loser goes into the can for five minutes at 10:10pm, but
it is a disappointing one-flusher. He parks his punk-ass for about two
minutes. He is, no doubt, upset about his disappointing one-flusher. Loser
returns to traversing and continues non-stop until 10:30. He takes a ten-minute
break. Then, at 10:40, he adds piddling and pounding on assorted items
to the traversing. Back and forth. At 11:03, Loser launches into a full-on
traversing session. He is also moving furniture and dropping heavy objects
on the floor. You know, the dumb-ass had all day to do this. If I had to
speculate, Loser has been traversing since before five. So, at checkpoint
23:49 hours, it is safe to say that Loser has been going on for about seven
hours. You know, I'm about ready to use some expletives and get us kicked
off of Loser's Web provider! What really torques my jaw is that there are
people out there who feel sorry for Loser! At 11:54, Loser is making some
kind of racket while piddling with his crap. Why doesn't he just take all
of it out to the dumpster already? Furnishings by K-Mart. Accessories by
Wal-Mart. Shrunken heads by Loser. No wonder his place is a "palace." It
is his kingdom and his shrunken heads are his subjects. Man, I'm envious.
As I've always said, Loser has got it goin' on. I sure hope he's not
planning on playing Fire Engine tonight. The last thing I want to hear
is Loser pacing feverishly and climaxing with a loud groan like what happened
earlier this week. As can be expected from Loser, he never does things
in a small way, even when choking the chicken. He wants to go out with
a bang! Yeah, but a hand is just a hand, and a chicken is just a chicken.
So choke away, Loser! Choke away! Loser continues his totally benign activity.
At sporadic intervals, Loser is chucking crap over his balcony. Has he
heard of that modern day wonder called a trash can? At 12:25, I hear some
odd noises. Bawk! Bawk! Bawk! Bawk! Bawk! Sounds like a chicken! Just kidding.
He'll get around to that soon enough, don't you worry. Speaking of choking
the chicken, I wish Loser would try some other form of sexual asphyxia,
like hypoxylphilia. Instead of just choking the chicken, he can choke both
the chicken and himself. I'd be glad to help him hold the plastic bag over
Loser finishes the dishes at 12:41 and has now embarked on a new project,
traversing to random locations and cleaning some the lovely Wal-Mart accessorization.
You know, Loser is the kind of guy that would sculpt some of the "palace"
art from his own dung. Now that's what I call artistic inspiration! At
1:14, Loser plops down on his couch and it is quiet. Any time now, any
time. Loser finally went night-night at 2:35.
Sunday May 21
I forgot to mention that Loser has kept some of his pathetic, wimpy houseplants
out on the "palace" balcony. Man, he's been putting some of that head shrinking
potion on those poor plants! What are those two sacks of oranges doing
out there on the balcony? He probably keeps his shoes in his refrigerator.
No, they are out on the balcony, too. I guess there is hardly any room
in the "palace," what with all those shrunken heads lying around. I left
at 9:50am, and I assumed that Loser was still passed out. He had a wild
night last night! I returned at 12:11 and I could hear Loser traversing.
Does he ever get tired of doing that? Loser took a whiz at 12:12. I left
again at 12:16 and returned at 3:08. It was quiet. Too quiet. Maybe Loser
went out for a long walk on a short pier. I left at 5:15 and return at
6:09. Loser is home and begins circling the "palace" within two minutes
of my arrival. He makes four loops and sits down until 6:30 when it was
time for a whiz. Loser slips into sporadic traversing mode and continues
this until he leaves a little before seven. Loser returns at 8:28 and turns
his K-Mart on. At 8:47, Loser is on the phone. The K-Mart is off. He begins
his circular mode. The call lasts about two minutes but Loser goes on to
complete seven loops. At 9:19, Loser was piddling around with his junk.
He must have dropped one of his shrunken heads on the kitchen floor. It
was rolling around all over the place. At 9:30, the K-Mart is on again,
so I turn my K-Mart on. Loser begins his full-on traversing. He is doing
this feverishly and I was hoping that he wasn't going to play Fire Engine.
Loser slips back into sporadic mode at 9:40. At 9:55pm, guess who is on
the phone. The call lasts about a minute, then Loser goes into the circular
mode making fifteen loops. At 10:05, Loser is in the can. Three minutes
later, the verdict is in. It's a two-flusher! Haven't we seen this pattern
before? What is he doing? Is he trying to work that ol' turd down?
After the uneventful two-flusher, Loser returns to sporadic mode. He
adds in a little more piddling. Loser may have been on the phone again
at 10:36 or he was conversing with one of his shrunken heads. He makes
two loops around the "palace." Then, Loser slips back into sporadic mode.
At 10:45, it is quiet. Loser is on the phone at 11:06 sans pacing. The
call lasts five minutes. It is quiet until 12:04am when Loser busts out
in his full pacing glory. You knew it had to happen! Ooops! One minute
and he has to take a whiz. Then, back to traversing the "palace" feverishly.
Back and forth. Back and forth. This goes on non-stop until 12:21. I bet
he got one of those kinky blow-up dolls last week when UPS came by. He
probably mounts the doll on himself and then ... I'll leave the rest to
your imagination. Or, maybe he mounts one of those shrunken heads and does
the Voodoo Shuffle. Yeah!
Finally, he parks his punk-ass. He has to clean the mess he made on
(and in) the shrunken head. Yuk! At 12:39, Loser walks over to the other
side of the "palace" and puts the shrunken head back on the shelf. Loser
is on the phone again at 12:46am. He's probably calling "stooge" to tell
him that he scored tonight. Loser is practically yelling. Fortunately the
call is over at 1:03pm, leaving Loser with no alternative but to continue
piddling with his crap. For all we know, he's making more dung sculptures.
At 1:52, Loser begins traversing again. Two minutes later, he's on the
phone for ten seconds. He leaves the "palace" at 1:56, but returns. He
must have forgot his condoms. At 1:57, Loser leaves again, most likely
to go over and do spoons with "stooge." Loser returns at 3:45 and does
five minutes of full-on traversing. He plops down on the couch for ten
minutes and attempts to go beddy-bye at four. At 4:01, Loser is up again.
He takes a whiz at 4:17am. Then, he begins traversing the "palace" steadily.
Back and forth. Back and forth. He stops every few minutes and there is
a rapid pounding noise. He continues this sick behavior until 5:27am. He
is now standing in the "palace" somewhere. The babe that lives above Loser
must be up, most likely doin' the wild thing all night, because she and
stud have used the bathroom several times in the last few hours. So, there's
Loser in the "palace" listening to the sounds of passion through the wee
hours of the morning. And all he has is his pathetic copy of ManDate.
No wonder he had to take a walk. Then, at five in the morning, he has to
do the Voodoo Shuffle again with one of his shrunken heads. He might as
well just cut of that little Vienna Sausage of his. He won't have to worry
about shrinking or mummifying it, that's for sure! Poor Loser. I hope he
isn't planning on taking a nap later, especially after keeping me up all
Monday May 22
Yo! Incidentally, one of my sources has revealed Loser's name to me. It
is Dick ... Dick Head. (Sorry, by order, real name had to be removed) Watch
out for this guy! If you befriend him, you may end up on the shelf with
the other shrunken heads and have no choice but to do the Voodoo Shuffle
with his little Vienna Sausage. Arrgh! At 6:04, Loser plopped himself on
his couch. Four minutes later, the K-Mart was on. Loser was on the phone
from 6:53 to 7:02. Loser took an eight-minute shower, a whiz and traversed
the "palace" until he left at 7:36. Loser returned at 11:14am and turned
his K-Mart on. I had my K-Mart on loud. I think Loser was pounding on the
floor. He must think he has a Summer Sausage, but he is wrong. He only
has a Vienna Sausage. I left at 12:53 and returned at 2:35. I turn my K-Mart
on and Loser was up and around by 2:41. He took a whiz at 2:45. At 2:50
Loser began traversing. He took a short break by going out to check if
the latest ManDate came. He returned and was quiet until 3:20. Then,
it was a full-on pacing session. Back and forth. Back and forth. This went
non-stop until 3:43. Once again, he stopped every now and then, and there
was that odd pounding noise. Well, it looks like that issue of ManDate
arrived and Loser was playing Fire Engine. PsychoBozo was probably napping
when I left at 4:40. I return at 9:55pm and all is quiet. Vienna Sausage
a.k.a. Loser probably went beddy-bye.
Tuesday May 23
Loser has had the tube on since last night. Aside from that, not a peep
from Loser. That is the way it should be, although I fear that if he rests
up too much he will break out in full pacing glory very soon. It turned
out that Loser has been gone somewhere since yesterday, but he left the
tube on. Loser returned at 3:03 and was on the phone immediately. He then
started pacing. Well, it has been a while since he last saw his beloved
"palace." So, he needed to take a tour. This required circular pacing.
You are probably thinking that Loser has a life, and he now has a babe.
Not a chance! He couldn't take listening to the sounds of passion coming
from baby's place above him so he went over to stay with "stooge." Now
if he and "stooge" just happened to end up doing spoons ... well, that
was okay with Loser I'm sure. The call lasted about six minutes, but the
pacing went on, as you already know. O lovely "palace," how I love thee!
Let me paceth and savor thy beauty!
Loser took a nine-minute shower at 3:16pm, a whiz at 3:28 and paced
around feverishly until he left at 3:32. Loser returned at 4:22 and brought
some piece of junk home. Sounded like his beloved vacuum cleaner. Don't
tell me Loser lent it out again! At 4:26, Loser was on the phone. The call
lasted three minutes, then it was time to pace. I left at 4:32 and return
It's now time for Loser Jeopardy! The answer is: two minutes.
DING! Yes, Tralfaz.
"How long does it take Loser to come to life after you arrive?"
Loser comes to life within two minutes, and he begins some sporadic pacing.
I turn my K-Mart on and drop Da Brat on him. Somehow I lose track of time
and space, most likely from delayed delirium as a result of staying up
all Sunday night because of Loser. Loser leaves sometime before ten, I
think. Or, he mummifed himself.
Correct. The answer is: traversing. DING! Yes, Tralfaz again.
"What does Loser do when he comes to life?"
Correct again. The answer is: spoons. Ding! Tralfaz again.
"What goes with a knife and fork?"
BZZT! Sorry, Tralfaz. Anyone else want to give it a try? DING! Yes,
"stooge," go ahead.
"Ahhh. What is my favorite activity with Loser?"
You're absolutely correct! You're our winner! (applause)
Wednesday May 24
I turned out that Loser went beddy-bye early. Loser needs his rest. After
all, he has an exciting day ahead of him. Loser got up at 5:55am and paced
around until 6:08, then he went back to bed. He got up again at 6:29 and
paced until 6:31am when he made a phone call. The call lasted six minutes.
At 6:40, the meat grinder was on for about 10 seconds. Loser then began
his sporadic pacing and piddling combo. At 7:04, Loser switched to his
infamous back and forth traversing. He took a break at 7:13 to drain the
lizard. Then, it was back to traversing until 7:17am when Loser took a
thirteen-minute shower. Loser drained the lizard again, and went into sporadic
traversing mode. At 8:10 Loser made a two-second phone call, traversed,
made a four-minute phone call at 8:15am, traversed, made a one-minute call
at 8:32am, traversed, made a two-second call at 8:40, and traversed feverishly
until he left at 8:41. How many of you can honestly say that you live a
more exciting life than Loser? I didn't think so. Who was he calling so
many times? Was it "stooge"? Does he wake "stooge" up? Does he nag "stooge"
until "stooge" gives in, holds Loser's hand, and walks him to school? Does
Loser think that babes are checking him out, or what? Loser must believe
that he is the focal point. Well, on the Web he certainly is! I
left at 11:20 and returned at 2:21. No Loser. I left again at 4:30 and
return at 11:05. Loser's lights are not on, so he may be gone or he may
have gone beddy-bye. At 11:48pm, Loser is rolling around in his bed. Well,
so much for singing his theme song.
Thursday May 25
I guess I really can't blame anyone for feeling sorry for Loser. However,
I would assume that if most people actually read te whole story about Loser,
they would come to realize what a punk he really is. You know, if I can
hear his floor creaking over Dr. Dre, then he can hear his floor, too.
It is so loud, it sounds like the frame is cracking. But, it is his right
to pace and at anytime he feels like it. This is from a guy who was vacuuming
at 2:30 in the morning! And, let me tell you, his beloved vacuum cleaner
is so loud, it can be heard out in the parking lot. Loser got up at 7:11
and took a whiz. He went into sporadic mode. At 8:40, Loser made a four-minute
phone call. Then, he resumed the sporadic traversing using his back and
forth flight plan. At 8:59, Loser went into the can for four minutes. And,
it was a THREE-FLUSHER! After he dropped his load, he resumed sporadic
traversing. At 9:16, Loser made a two-minute phone call. After the call,
he did four minutes of back and forth traversing, then went back to bed.
After being entertained by Loser, I decided to reciprocate so I turned
on my K-Mart. Loser got up again at 9:55 and began traversing again. He
made another phone call at 10:06 that lasted a minute. Then, it was back
and forth again. At 10:17, Loser was almost doing his full-on traversing.
This continued until 10:39. While we have a break from his benign primary
activity, I should mention that several associates have been wanting to
do a party here to celebrate and revel in Loser's newfound fame, and they
also wanted to experience this excitement first hand. How could I decline?
Loser began his obligatory pre-phone call pacing at 10:48. He finally
made the call at eleven. The call went on sans pacing, thank goodness,
until 11:28. Then, Loser began his feverish obligatory pre-shower pacing
that lasted three minutes. Loser took a leisurely nine-minute shower. After
his shower, he took a whiz. Then, it was full-on pacing. He dropped something
heavy making a huge racket. He continued pacing until he left at 11:46.
I left at 12:54 and returned at 4:25. Loser returned at 4:27 and began
pacing immediately. I left within minutes and returned at 11:05pm. Loser
was in sporadic mode. Loser took a whiz at 11:12. Sporadic mode. Whiz at
12:07. I left again at 1:09 and return at 2:25am. Loser is visiting the
Friday May 26
Loser got up somewhere around eight and began pacing about feverishly.
I was just too groggy to comprehend his stupidity. He took a shower and
paced again briskly around the "palace" before departing sometime around
nine. Loser returned with "stooge" at 11:46. Loser rented a large U-Haul
truck. He and "stooge" moved a few of the "palace" fixtures out, making
assorted belching sounds. Then, they left at 12:12pm. Hopefully, they were
taking that junk over to the dump where it belongs. As you know, there
will be a Summer hiatus for Loser. No one knows where the "palace" will
be located in September. If the "palace" returns to the same place, then
rest assured, the adventures of Loser will also return. But before we all
shed a tear, there are still two more weeks of fun to come with Loser!
Loser returned at 1:37 and paced around for about five minutes before
turning on the tube and retiring to the couch. At 2:30, Loser wakes up
and moves over to the royal bed to continue his nap. Loser was still with
the Sandman when I left at 3:55. I returned at 7:50 and Loser was engaged
in his most favorite activity. No, not Fire Engine. He was traversing.
I would guess that he was also packing up some of the royal possessions.
I left again at eight and return at 8:55. Loser is pacing/packing non-stop
until 10:12. Then, he takes a break. I hear the tube on. At 10:33, Loser
begins pacing. He takes a whiz at 10:35. He continues his TV break until
10:41pm when he resumes pacing. Three minutes later, Loser is taking another
break. Looks like he is in sporadic mode, eh? Loser turns his crummy TV
up full blast. He paces for about two minutes, then takes a break for about
the same amount of time. He continues this behavior on into the wee hours
of the morning. At 2:09am Loser takes a whiz. He paces again after his
whiz. At 2:14am, Loser goes beddy-bye, or so we hope. Not even. Loser is
up again at 2:27am, and he goes in the can to flush something down the
toilet. Well, since he didn't take another whiz, we know what's what. Loser
got into bed with his trusty copy of ManDate and some tissues. In
retrospect, maybe all that traversing he was doing earlier was really him
playing Fire Engine. Now I see why he keeps all the blinds closed and the
shades down. Now that he turned the tube off I will probably hear him when
he lets out a groan. What was that? Whoa Nellie! Don't even ask! All I
can say is it's 2:56am. Loser turns the tube on full blast at 3:02am. Looks
like another all-nighter. But, hey, that's the face-paced world Loser lives
Saturday May 27
Loser was already up and around before nine doing what he does best ...
pacing. At nine, he is on the phone. The call goes on until 9:16. Then,
there was full-on pacing for four minutes. At 9:20, Loser was on the phone
again. The call required the addition of sporadic pacing. At 9:56am, the
call ended. Loser went into the can at 9:58 and was in there until 10:03.
However, it was only a one-flusher. But was he taking a dump, or was he
taking care of other business? Loser was on the phone again within seconds
of the exiting the can. Pacing and talking. The call lasted four minutes.
Loser plopped himself on his couch. At 10:18, Loser turned the tube on
full blast. What better time it was for me to turn on my K-Mart. At 11:41,
Loser began pacing again until he had to take a whiz three minutes later.
The pacing continued sporadically until Loser went out to check his mail
at 12:03. Then, Loser went into full-on pacing mode. At 12:30, the idiot
turned his crummy TV up even louder. I assumed that he didn't like listening
to Too Short on the K-Mart. Well, I like Too Short and I don't like listening
to his pacing. So, love it or lose it.
Loser took a whiz at 12:55. At 1:15pm, I turned my K-Mart down and Loser
turned down the tube. Loser made a ten-second phone call at 1:26. He made
another call at 1:31. This call lasted longer and required the simultaneous
circular pacing. The call was over at 1:43 and I counted only seven loops.
Loser took a ten-minute shower at 1:44 and took another whiz. Loser left
at two. I left at 3:40 and returned at 6:10. Loser was in the process of
pacing. At 6:18pm, Loser walked outside the "palace" for a few seconds.
Was he looking for "stooge"? I left shortly after and return at 8:20. Loser
is on the phone. After the call, Loser goes back to watching the tube.
At 9:40pm, Loser turns the tube down makes another call. This one lasted
five minutes. After the call, Loser turns the tube back up. It is relatively
quiet (i.e., no pacing) for the rest of the evening. Why can't Loser behave
himself like this more often? The tube is up loud the rest of the evening.
Loser goes beddy-bye after midnight.
Sunday May 28
Loser got up at 9:51 and took a whiz.. There was some moderate pacing until
Loser turned the tube on. At 10:50, Loser made a ten-second phone call.
At 11:13am, Loser turned the tube of and went back to bed. Or, he could
be admiring the latest issue of ManDate. He got up again at 11:26
and decided to take a shower. The shower lasted 16 minutes. After the shower,
Loser flushes the commode. He either made a quick phone call or he was
telling himself how handsome he is. This required some feverish back and
forth pacing in the "palace" until he left at 11:55. I left at 2:50 and
return at 6:30. Loser returns at 8:47pm, turns the tube on full blast and
begins pacing immediately. At 9:50, Loser takes a break from pacing to
take a whiz. The pacing continued until 10:50pm when Loser makes a phone
call. The four-minute call required a feverish pace. Even though the call
ends, the pacing doesn't until Loser goes into the can at 11:02. Twelve
minutes later we all learn that it is a disappointing two-flusher. Loser
then traverses the "palace" in back and forth mode. At 11:44, Loser makes
another phone call sans pacing. This call also lasts four minutes. A frustrated
Loser continues his back and forth pacing until about 1am. I thought he
was playing Fire Engine again. But I did not hear a groan. Finally, at
1:20am, Loser turns the tube off and visits the Sandman.
Monday May 29
Loser got up abruptly at 10:12 and staggered across the "palace." Apparently
he got a phone call but he must have missed the caller. He staggered back
to bed. At 10:46, Loser got up and took a whiz, then went back to bed.
At 10:41, the phone rang in the "palace." Loser must have had the phone
with him, although it was only a thirty-second call. At 10:45, Loser got
up and walked across the "palace," then went back to bed. Loser did this
again at 10:52. Loser is going to have a rager here today! Loser came to
life at 12:16 with a thirty-second phone call. At 12:50, there are some
other odd noises emanating from the "palace." Loser took a whiz at 12:54
and slipped right into sporadic mode. There was a phone call at 1:18 that
lasted until 1:26. Loser piddled around for a bit, then took an eighteen-minute
shower at 1:39. After the shower, Loser was pacing feverishly until he
left at 1:54. Loser must have been excited about visiting "stooge." And
you know why ... spoons. Loser returned at 3:02 and went right into sporadic
mode. At 3:34, Loser added some drumming of the "palace" furniture. I left
at 3:50 and return at 5:30 with The Bull. We were preparing for a soirée
with some of the homeys in celebration of Loser's new fame. The festivities
went on until about 11pm. After everyone leaves, I realize that Loser is
home. He is watching the tube and has it up full blast. Boy, it is nice
not to give a damn about how noisy I am, just like Loser. Here I was being
quiet almost all year. What a fool! But, I still am considerate enough
to end the festivities at a reasonable time. Loser turns the tube off,
takes a whiz and then goes beddy-bye at 1:33.
Tuesday May 30
Loser got up at 10:31am. He took a fourteen-minute shower at 10:38 and
topped it off with a whiz. After that, Loser paced around feverishly. He
opened his front door at 11:05 as if to leave, but he must have forgot
something. His condoms! He left after piddling around in his junk, no doubt
going over to see "stooge." I left at 11:23 and returned at 12:20. Loser
was on the phone as usual. The call ended a minute later, and then the
pacing started. Loser went into the can for a while. It was a THREE-FLUSHER!
I left at 12:45 and returned at 1:50. Loser was home and had the tube up
full blast. At 2:01, Loser was on the phone. At 2:43 Loser broke into his
back and forth soft shoe routine. At 3:11, Loser was on the phone again.
Loser went out to check his mail at 3:16pm, and resumed pacing immediately
upon returning. What, no mail? I left at 3:42 leaving Loser to his favorite
activity. I return at 6:54 and all is quiet. Loser returns with "stooge"
at 8:21. Looks like it is Loser's turn to have a little soirée.
There is a lot of back and forth pacing by both fools. I hope that this
is not my payback for the little soirée yesterday in honor of Loser.
At 10:40, Loser's party with "stooge" is now centered around the tube.
It's a rager! I may have to call the cops! Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh brother! (slapping
my knee) At 12:30am, Loser and "stooge" step out on the balcony. The tube
is up full blast. At 12:56, one of the fools takes a whiz and then it's
back out on the balcony. Loser is doing all the talking. He is practically
yelling. Well, he has to since the tube is up full blast. Man, am I ever
glad that there are so many people who feel sorry for Loser. Poor Loser.
Dat big bad boogey man living below him is picking on him. Boohoo. Poor
Loser. I am just glad that they are not doing spoons on the floor! At 1:13,
there is some stomping around. What do you think Loser is up to? Guess
who will be staying up next time because of an inconsiderate neighbor?
Ha! Ha! Ha! At 1:30am, there is a lot of walking around. If I had to guess,
"stooge" wants to go home but Loser keeps talking to him, trying to get
him to sit back down and watch more of the tube. "Wait! It's gonna get
better! Watch! See! I told you." I think that this was "stooge"'s third
attempt to leave the "palace." At 2:08, Loser and "stooge" are out on the
balcony. Then, I notice that Loser doesn't have the tube on. He has some
cheesy new age romance music on the K-Mart. At 2:22am, Loser and "stooge"
walk out to "stooge"'s car and come back. Both the idiots are pacing at
2:30am. They go out on the balcony once more. They come back in. At 3:08am,
"stooge" leaves. This is a different "stooge," the one with the red Eclipse.
Loser then begins pacing back and forth feverishly. The tube is now on
full blast. At 3:20, Loser is on the phone. The call lasts four minutes.
Can you guess who he was talking to? Moms, maybe? Not even. You know he's
calling "stooge." At 3:32am, Loser goes beddy-bye. Not quite. I am now
wide awake so I might as well turn my K-Mart on. Within a few minutes,
Loser was up again. He begins pacing and takes a whiz at 3:53am. He turns
the tube on full blast. Well, it's going to be a long night for me and
Loser. I have a lot to do today, but I will make sure that he doesn't get
his nap time. What a punk! Loser tries to go beddy-bye again at 4:53. At
5am, I turn my K-Mart off and turn my tube on full blast.
Wednesday May 31
Tomorrow starts the official countdown to Loser's last day here. The fate
of Loser's Web page is uncertain. What will all his fans do? Will it be
an end of an era? You know, even those people who hate the Loser page will
secretly miss it. It is the voyeur urge everyone has, whether they choose
to admit it or not. It's a good thing that the building that Loser and
I live in is so poorly constructed. Yes, this pathetic Roach Motel has
no acoustic insulation. Therefore, the hollow walls, floors and ceilings
act as a pathetic amplifier. But thank goodness there is no insulation!
Otherwise you would not be enjoying this fine entertainment. So why not
pull out a nice cold beverage and enjoy Loser's Web page now. "Countdown
to Loser" may have to be a noisy one! We'll just have to play it by ear
(no pun intended).
Loser gave up trying to sleep and got up around 6:30am. He took a shower
and left at 7:01. He returned at 7:50 and was on the phone. He began traversing
the "palace" feverishly. It was quiet for five minutes. Then, two flushes
at 8:15. Loser then turned his tube on full blast and resumed traversing
the "palace" feverishly. At 8:25, Loser parked his punk-ass until he left
at 8:42. I left at 10:20 and returned at 2:15pm. It was quiet, so to insure
that Loser wasn't taking a nap I dropped some Too Short on him. Then, I
threw some Terminator-X in for good measure. Well, sure enough, around
4pm Loser was rolling around in bed. He has been sleeping since before
noon I would assume. Loser finally got up around 4:15. I left at 4:45 and
returned at 6:20. Loser had the tube on full blast, so I dropped some house
tunes on him. That got him to start pacing. I left at 7:30 and return at
11:30. As I walk into my place, I can hear the tube on full blast and Loser
is pacing around feverishly. I would guess that Loser will continue this
benign activity into the wee hours of the morning to punish me for keeping
him up after he made all that noise and tried to go beddy-bye at 3:30am.
At 12:35am, Loser is still pacing back and forth, occasionally piddling
with some of his junk and dropping things on the floor. Remember, his place
is only 14x20 and that's in feet! At 12:40, Loser parks his punk-ass. Who
knows how long that will last? Not long, apparently. Loser breaks into
sporadic mode at 12:52. Will somebody clue us all in on what an idiot would
be doing pacing around all night in a "palace" the size of a closet? Loser
actually turned down the tube around 1:15am. He goes beddy-bye shortly
Thursday June 1, 1995
It's "Countdown to Loser"! Mark your calendar! Loser only has ten, that's
TEN, more days before he goes bye-bye. Loser got up at 9:20am and took
a nine-minute shower. One of the homeys was here visiting, and I was tempted
to talk as loud as I could and turn up my K-Mart all-in-one. Loser paced
around feverishly until he left at 9:50. Loser returned at 10:16 and was
on the phone immediately. The call required feverish traversing of the
"palace." The call ended but not the traversing. This continued ad nauseum
until Loser left at 10:40. Loser returned at 12:18 and immediately began
traversing the "palace." Back and forth. Back and forth. At 12:34 Loser
went out onto the balcony for a bit. He continued pacing until he left
at 12:36. Sounded like "stooge" picked him up. I left at 12:55 and return
at 4:12. Loser was not home. I was just leaving again at 4:35 when a black
Mustang pulled up and dropped off Loser. Another "stooge"! Loser has four
stooge buddies. I returned at 8pm, and spent about an hour talking to one
of the neighbors out in the parking lot. The neighbor has read some of
the adventures of Loser on the Web. So, Loser's fame is now even in his
own backyard. I left at 10pm. I return at 1am. As I step in I hear Loser's
tube on full blast. There is some odd activity going on. Loser is apparently
standing at one end of the "palace." Whatever he is doing is making some
odd noises. If I had to guess, he appears to be standing and moving in
a rocking motion, as the ceiling is creaking rhythmically every few seconds
in the same spot. At 1:06, Loser takes a PowerWhiztm
and returns to the same odd activity. At 1:11, Loser moves to another section
of the "palace" and resumes the odd activity. Loser is on the phone briefly
at 1:26 and then he plops himself down on the couch. At 1:41, Loser breaks
into sporadic mode. Then, at 1:50am, Loser goes full-on traversing. Sometime
after 2am, Loser chills (or passes) out.
Friday June 2
Nine more days left in the "Countdown to Loser." That's NINE more days
before the pacing fun is relocated to some undisclosed location. Loser
got up and took his shower, paced feverishly and left the "palace" around
eight. He knows that he only has nine days in the "Countdown to Loser"
and he wants to get the most out of his experience here. Loser is livin'
large, XXXL! Loser returned at 11:39 and turned the tube on. At 12:09,
Loser was on the phone and went into sporadic mode. At 12:21, Loser was
still on the phone but slipped into his full-on back and forth traversing.
Then, at 12:24pm, Loser rounded out his repertoire of pacing by going into
his circular mode. When the call ended Loser had made 21 loops around the
"palace." Loser resumed his back and forth traversing when the call ended
at 12:33. The idiot did that until 12:37. Hark! A knock! It looked like
"stooge" came by to pick up Loser. I will let you guess what they did.
Loser returned at 1:25 and turned the tube up full blast. Loser is living
it up in his last days! Go Loser! Loser was then doing something weird
in the "palace." All I know is that there were some strange noises. At
1:27, Loser went out to check his mail. He came back and traversed feverishly
until he left again at 1:32. The tube was still on full blast so Loser
did not go far. Loser returned at 2:31. He began piddling with his junk
and stomping around. Apparently, Loser is moving his junk as he was going
in and out of the "palace" as loudly as he could. I assumed he wanted to
make a statement. He continued this activity probably even after I left
at 4:15. I returned at 7:30 only to hear Loser pacing, although this comes
as no surprise. Loser was on the phone when I left at 8pm. I returned at
3:10am and all was quiet.
Saturday June 3
Loser has eight more days left in the "Countdown to Loser." That's EIGHT
more days, folks! Loser has been packing junk all day. I noticed that his
empty box collection under the ugly blue tarp on his balcony are gone.
He rented or borrowed a Pathfinder to move his junk to storage. Remember
that he rented a large U-Haul the other week to move some big items. Now
he has been packing and moving stuff out continuously for a day. What does
he have up there? Why does he have all that junk since he's a loser. Man,
if I was in his position, I would only have enough to fit an overnight
bag. Loser got up at around 8:45 and took a shower. He began moving his
junk out again at 9:10. I assumed that he needed to make a statement again.
This continued until 9:52 when the Pathfinder must have been full. I guess
his ManDate library and shrunken head collection are extensive.
Loser may jump the gun and leave earlier than the countdown. That would
be a little heartbreaking, wouldn't it? Loser returned at 10:46 and was
on the phone immediately. This required the simultaneous traversing of
the "palace." Loser wants everyone to know that he is a busy loser. He's
a loser on the move! He the main man with a master plan! EVERYBODY, GIVE
IT UP FOR LOSER! (add rap beat) He's a mover! He's a shaker! He's an architect
in effect! If you get in his way he'll mow your punk-ass down! Get out
of the way 'cause Loser is in da house! (begin chant) Go Loser! Go Loser!
Go Loser! (end chant) Hell yeah. He's a loser but he'll put your punk-ass
in check 'cause he's in effect! Yes, he's Loser, he's a cruiser, from the
CPT! Step in his trail, and he'll bumrush your tail! Yeah. (begin chant)
Go Loser! Go Loser! Go Loser! (end chant)
Loser left again at 11:03. I left at noon and returned at 1:15. Loser
was not home. I left again at 3pm and returned at five. One of the homeys
came down from the Bay area to visit. Thus, we left at about six and return
at eleven. Loser returns at 12:22am. I almost thought he went home and
was ready to sing his theme song. At 12:28, Loser takes a whiz. Then, he
does his obligatory traversing. The tube is on full blast. At 12:43, Loser
makes a phone call. Finally, at 1:20am, Loser visits the Sandman.
Sunday June 4
Seven more days in the "Countdown to Loser." That's seven more days before
Loser goes bye-bye. Loser got up at 10:44am, took a whiz and a shower.
At 11:04, Loser was on the phone with some sporadic pacing thrown in for
good measure. My homey Skip and I left at 12:12 and we returned at 4:04.
Skip left for the Bay area shortly after. Loser was piddling around in
the "palace" as usual. I left again at 4:20 and returned at 5:15. As I
entered my place, I could hear Loser pacing about feverishly. The tube
was on full blast, too. Loser was also doing laundry, as he went down to
the laundry room and back several times. The pacing, however, went on straight
until 8:30 with no breaks as far as I could tell. It was the standard back
and forth fare. The pacing resumed at 9:20, and fortunately I left again
within ten minutes. I return at 1:48 and all is quiet. Loser is visiting
Monday June 5
Only six more days left in the "Countdown to Loser." That's SIX more days!
Loser got up at 8am and made a phone call. At 8:09, Loser had a FOUR-FLUSHER!
I was glad that he had at least one more FOUR-FLUSHER before he moves on.
Loser then took an eleven-minute shower and a whiz. At 8:21, Loser made
a phone call and that was enough to require some pacing. At 8:36, Loser
began moving more of his junk out. This is his third day of transporting
the "palace" possessions to wherever he is storing them. Does anyone else
wonder why he needs all this junk? Either that, or he carefully packed
his shrunken head collection in individual boxes. Loser moved the last
of that shipment out and left at 8:55. Loser returned at 10:47. At 10:52,
Loser made a thirty-second phone call. This was motivation enough to start
pacing. Back and forth. Back and forth. During the pacing, at 11:06am,
Loser made a three-minutes phone call. The pacing continued until 11:15
when Loser went over to lye down on his bed. At 11:18, Loser made another
phone call while in bed. He got up and began pacing and left at 11:20.
Loser returned at 11:30 and resumed pacing until 11:34. At 11:39, Loser
made a ten-second phone call and paced for two minutes before leaving again.
Loser returned at 12:28 and began traversing the "palace." Back and forth.
Back and forth. At 12:29, Loser made a phone call and changed to his circular
fight plan. He made six loops around the "palace." The call ended at 12:35
and Loser left again. Loser returned at 1:26 and piddled with whatever
junk he has left in the "palace." He took a whiz at 1:29 and left again.
Loser returned at 1:47 and began traversing the "palace." During his intense
traversing session he made a phone call. The call lasted eight minutes
and ended at 1:50. Loser then went into full traversing mode. He took a
fifteen-second break at 2:29, then resumed traversing the "palace." Back
and forth. There was the occasional piddling with the "palace" junk.
What happened to his beloved tube? Did he pack that away already? Loser
is beside himself to keep occupied, but what else is new? He has done this
crap all year. At 2:32, Loser plops himself down on his bed and made another
phone call. At 2:33, Loser was up and traversing feverishly again. Back
and forth. Back and forth. At 2:37, it was quiet. Then, one flush. A second
flush. Loser had a disappointing two-flusher. But, he did have a FOUR-FLUSHER
this morning. After his dump, Loser plopped on his bed to take a nap. Loser
leads an exciting life, doesn't he? He is always on the go! Doesn't Loser
have any finals? Of course not. All Loser does is pace, take humongous
dumps, pace, talk on the phone, pace, sleep, pace, pull the bishop, and
pace. Hell, I'd be worn out, too!
At 2:54, Loser got up and started traversing again, this time piddling
with his junk. Then, at 2:54pm, Loser began vacuuming the "palace." He
should vacuum his crotch! He will probably vacuum the "palace" every few
hours now, interspersed with pulling the bishop, especially if he has already
packed his tube. It sure looks like Loser is excited about going home,
doesn't it? But, for what? He's a loser whether he's here or there. Loser
finally finished vacuuming that dump at 3:13. He traversed the "palace"
until 3:20 when he made a ten-second phone call. Then, it was quiet. He
can't be sitting down, unless he's ... he's choking the chicken! Oh boy.
At 3:31, Loser began his traversing and piddling medley. It was quiet again
at 3:35. Loser plopped onto his bed at 3:48. He must have taken a nap.
A busy man like Loser must get his beauty sleep whenever he can. Loser
was up at 4:18 and was on the phone at 4:22. During the call, Loser broke
into sporadic mode. The call ended at 4:26. Loser was on the phone again
at 4:36. The call lasted four minutes. At 4:52, Loser was in his full pacing
glory. Back and forth. Back and forth. At 5pm, Loser plopped onto his bed
again. What? Another nap? I left shortly after. I returned at 9pm. Loser
was home and, at 9:35pm, began traversing the "palace." I left at 10:45pm.
I return at 2:20am and Loser is already at the Sandman's.
Tuesday June 6
Only five more days left in the "Countdown to Loser." FIVE days! Loser
got up at 8:58 and went into the can. Guess what? Yes, it was another FOUR-FLUSHER
at 9:16am! Go Loser! That's two days in a row! Whew! Loser was on the phone
immediately after the amazing event. The call lasted about twenty seconds.
I left at 9:20 and returned at 9:48. Loser was in the shower. Loser's shower
was over at 9:58. Loser paced around the "palace" for about fifteen minutes,
then it was quiet. At 10:43, Loser plopped onto his bed. Naptime already?
At 10:52, Loser got up, took a whiz and departed the "palace."
It's hard to believe that this small chapter in Loser's adventures is
coming to a close. Presently, Loser's Web site is slated for another season
next Fall. Loser returned at 11:30, paced around for two minutes and left
again. Loser is beside himself to keep occupied. I'm sure he knows of some
other time-killers. I left at 12:30 and returned at 1:30. Loser was home
and pacing, as usual. At 1:40, Loser was on the phone. At least he sat
down during the two minute call. After the call, it was back to pacing.
Then, at 1:47pm, it was quiet. At 2:02, Loser sprung to life again doing
guess what? At 2:05, Loser plopped back down on his bed for another nap.
At 2:28, Loser was up again pacing, or should I say, stomping back and
forth. I decided that it was time for me to turn my K-Mart on. Loser took
a whiz at 2:41, then went out to check the mail. He returned and continued
stomping around until 2:45. It was quiet until 3:05pm when Loser started
pacing again. This continued until 3:20pm, when Loser left.
Loser returned at 3:28. He was dropping things on the floor and stomping
about the "palace" feverishly. Loser stepped out again for a couple of
minutes at 3:45. When he returned he resumed pacing. At 3:51, Loser plopped
onto his bed again for a nap. He was back up at 3:51 to open his window.
Then, he returned to bed. At 3:58, Loser got up and was on the phone for
five seconds. Then, he began pacing about the "palace" feverishly. It was
almost all too comical. Loser left at 4:01 and I left within seconds. I
spot Loser carrying some of his junk. Looked like he was taking it over
to the "stoogepad."
I return at 7:45 and all is quiet. Loser is not home. I run into one
of the other tenants of the "roach motel." He and I talk about Loser, as
he has been reading Loser's Web page. He mentions that the white Ford Bronco
in the parking lot may be Loser's. I thought it was a Pathfinder. White
Ford Bronco? Wait a minute. Didn't OJ have a white Ford Bronco? Loser returns
at 9:25, takes a whiz and begins pacing. Five minutes later, it is quiet.
At 10:20, Loser has a short two-minute burst of pacing. He repeats this
at 11:06. Then, at 11:35pm, Loser is doing some weird things in one section
of the "palace." He goes out on the balcony briefly, then paces for a bit
before leaving at 11:40. Loser returns at 1:47 and takes a whiz. Then,
he begins his pacing day. He packs one or two boxes of his junk, then resumes
pacing. It is continuous but not feverish. Back and forth. Back and forth.
After about two hours of non-stop pacing, at 4:09am, Loser takes a break.
Then, sometime before 6am, Loser resumes his pacing. Back and forth. back
and forth. At 7:09am, Loser takes an eight-minute break. Then, back and
forth. At 7:20am, Loser takes a seven-minute break. Then, he wraps up the
pacing and leaves at 7:26. There is nothing like the sweet, melodious sounds
of the ceiling creaking loudly throughout the night due to the pacing!
Wednesday June 7
Only four more days to go! Yep, just FOUR days left in the "Countdown to
Loser"! Four more days and the pacing fool hits the road! Loser returned
at 10:35 with "stooge." They were in and out a couple of times before leaving.
I left at 12:20 and return at 2:30 with the Bishop. The Bishop left at
3:13. Unfortunately, Loser was not home. Loser did not return until 4:25.
He took a whiz and began pacing immediately. Back and forth. At 4:40, Loser
made a phone call complete with pacing. The call lasted about a minute
and Loser was practically yelling. I guess this was to let everyone know
that he was on the phone. After the call it was quiet. I left at 4:50 and
returned at 7:30. I picked up a sandwich from Kona's and came back here.
I put some Dre on the K-Mart, just in case Loser was sleeping. At 8:05,
Loser got up. Yep, he was napping, all right. I left at 8:20 and return
at 11:06. Loser is home. At 11:18, Loser begins pacing. He continues pacing
until 1:30 when he goes beddy-bye. I turn my tube up full blast and start
slamming drawers and laughing out loud at some lame comedian on Leno. I
keep the tube on full blast until 2am, throwing in my version of canned
laughter every few minutes. Loser gets up once for some reason. Too much
noise maybe? Then he goes beddy-bye.
Thursday June 8
THREE DAYS! The "Countdown to Loser" is down to three days! Loser woke
me up before 5am. Guess what he was doing? Did you guess that he was pacing?
You're correct! Back and forth. Back and forth. Loser is milking the pacing
for what it's worth. He was moving to and fro continuously until 6:10 when
he took an eight-minute shower. After the shower, Loser took a whiz and
resumed pacing. Loser left at 6:40 and returned at 6:43 to pace for about
two minutes. Then, he left again. I left at 10:20 and returned at 11:37.
Loser was home so I turned my K-Mart on and dropped some Dre and Too Short
on him. Loser began to pace immediately in true Pavlovian fashion. Loser
began vacuuming the empty "palace" at 11:47. I knew that he would vacuum
again. He will probably vacuum at least one more time before he leaves
for vacation. After he vacuums the "palace," he had no choice but to continue
what he does best. Back and forth. Back and forth.
Can you imagine Loser's summer vacation? Everyday will be the same.
Moms will wake him up for breakfast, and put out his clothes for him. Loser
will get dressed, eat breakfast and head straight to his room. After five
hours of pacing, moms will call him for lunch. After lunch, Loser may take
a nap and watch the tube, make a few phone calls and pace. Then, moms will
call him for dinner. After dinner, Loser may pace, make more calls or watch
the tube. Maybe he'll watch Endless Summer, or maybe he'll put his
shades on and watch Playboy's Girls of Summer or maybe ManDate's
Summer of Hunks. After moms goes to bed, Loser may elect to do spoons
or, if he's feeling a little frisky, he may play Fire Engine. Oh boy.
At 12:42, Loser was moving some of the "palace" furniture around. Why
is the genius rearranging the furniture when he's moving out? Is this a
Mensa thing? Loser continued pacing and moving furniture until 1:05pm when
Loser decides to vacuum again. He vacuums every square millimeter of the
"palace." At 11:17, Loser was moving furniture again. As you all recall,
the "palace" is only 14x20 in feet. So, why does he have to vacuum it again?
At 1:22, Loser began traversing the full length of the "palace." Back and
forth. There is a knock at 1:55. It had to be "stooge." Both he and Loser
are in and out of the "palace" a few times. Then, they leave. I left at
3:05 and return at 6:44. All was quiet. Has Loser left already? I left
again at 9:28 and return at 11:30. No Loser. Hmmm.
Friday June 9
It should have been TWO days left in the "Countdown to Loser," but Loser
threw a blackeye in da game! He must have left yesterday, as the cleaning
crew was in to begin prepping the former "palace" for a full cleaning.
Most likely, the carpet will have to be replaced as there is no way to
repair the circular trail worn into it by Loser. Loser has taken the show
on the road. No more pacing. No more FOUR-FLUSHERS. No spoons. No more
head shrinking. The ugly blue tarp and the empty box collection are gone.
The meat grinder is gone. The K-Mart all-in-one will no longer be on full
blast for our listening pleasure. No more playing Fire Engine. And, we
will not see "stooge" again. Well, that is, we won't have any of this for
the rest of summer. Loser left without fanfare. And now all we can do is
... sing! He's a loser! Yes, he's a loser! And, he WAS a neighbor of mine.
Oh he's a loooooooser. Yes, he's a looooooser. And, he was a neighbor of
mine! Yeah! Everybody sing! Yes, he's a loooser! He's a loo-ooo-ooser!
Looo-ooo-ooo-oooser! And he WAS a neighbor of mine! Yeah! (sing-along)
No, Loser is not back. The cleanup crew has been in the former "palace"
for three days now. The carpet people were also here. Maybe Loser really
did wear a circular path in the carpet!
The saga continues with The Life and Times
of a 41-Year-Old Virgin as the guy living below Loser gets his
very own show!
The Loser Living Upstairs
Starring (in order of appearance)
Loser ... Himself
"stooge" ... Himself
Directed by Loser
Produced by Tralfaz
Music by Foolboy-G
Original soundtrack album available soon.
© Copyright 1995 by The Guy Living Below the Loser Living
LoserNettm Love It, or Lose It.