Note: This volume has been edited beyond recognition.

Monday July 28, 2003

Malia had sent me an eCard to one of my Diploma Mill e-mail accounts. Unfortunately, it was the one I rarely check. So, I sent her an e-mail last night to thank her. I also gave her my new cell phone number. She reminisced about the old days when she wanted to be more than friends. Those were the days. Sheesh! I have been somewhat comforted by Anonder's latest posts on Speak! III by LoserNet. I say "comforted" because he provides an entirely different perspective on life than everyone else. Much of his rationale provided substantial support for my previous monk life-style. He is clearly a better man than I when it comes to "mind over matter" techniques. Even though I've gone through hell with babes, I find myself wanting to go back. Look at the result. In all honesty, I know that I should immediately exit this whole situation by abandoning my ill-fated strategy to break out of the ranks. However, accepting one's lot in life is an equally painful task. Maybe I should just stuff my face with Ding Dongs and put an end to this charade once and for all.

I had lunch with the handmaiden today. We ate at Murphy's. It was actually a pleasant affair. I even told her about my mid-life crisis. "You look like you're just turning thirty," she said. I also discussed my concerns about the Big Five-O, and how I may end up single for the rest of my life. "I know you," she said. "You're just waiting around for someone to come along." Naturally, I didn't tell her about how I have an affinity for young hotties. She walked back to the Diploma Mill with me. I introduced her to Pseudo-professors Ralph and Tony. We parted company on a good note.

Pseudo-professor John stopped by my class for a few minutes. After my class, I went to the gym. Just another day in da 'hood. I should mention that I've been hearing a lot of stories about Wellman. He was faculty at the Asylum and Diploma Mill, just like me. He was married, but I came to learn that he separated from his wife a few years ago. If you've seen Matrix, then you may remember Agent Brown. Wellman has the same kind of personality. I later came to learn that he was hitting the clubs regularly after the divorce. In fact, some of my students were just discussing him the other day. Apparently, he's been hookin' up with babes right and left. I was amazed that Wellman snapped into action. So, what is wrong with the rest of us?

Tuesday July 29

Shirley called last night. She sounded tired. Her group has been on a busy schedule. They apparently spent the day shopping in Denver. They also went to see a WWE wrestling extravaganza the other night. They are leaving for South Dakota on Thursday. We only chatted for a few minutes, but I was glad to hear from her.

At the Asylum, the new Dean sat in my class to evaluate it. He is trying to secure a pay raise for me. There was mention of a retroactive pay raise, but I doubt that will happen. Odessa, one of my students at the Diploma Mill, asked me if I wanted to be set up with her friend Gigi. "She looked you up in the phone book and on the Internet," she said, in addition to a few other comments which seemed to indicate that Gigi has quite an interest in the ol' lavahead. Well, I told Odessa to go ahead and set it up. What am I getting into?

I went to the gym after my class. Glen was there. I told him about the latest nonsense. After our workout, he bought me a smoothie at Zeus Juice. Then, he hung out with me at the faculty computer room at the Diploma Mill. Pseudo-professor Robert arrived shortly after. We discussed the babe situation as usual. Then, I mentioned that we may have to start going out to the clubs. I was surprised to hear that he was willing to do so. However, he wanted me to see if any babes would be willing to help us to dress properly for clubbing. I didn't tell him that Shirley has already agreed to take me clothes shopping.

If I sat and thought about this, I would seriously consider that I have gone insane. My mind is completely overloaded, and I am barely functioning. Anonder has posted some interesting opinions on Speak! III by LoserNet. For me, he has been a beacon in the darkness. I really have to stop and think about what I am doing and where I am going. Is this really what I want to do?

Wednesday July 30

An uneventful day. Glen was still at the gym when I arrived. We ended up chatting for a few minutes. Lately, we both haven't been too enthused about our workouts. So far, there are no events planned for the weekend. If my students Brad and Odessa come up with something, then they will save the day again. Otherwise, I will probably end up at Barnes & Noble by myself. Sheesh!

Thursday July 31

I am much calmer than I've been in a long time. The anxiety and nervousness has attenuated to manageable levels. I have even caught up with my backlog of work. I no longer am scurrying around and trying to plan any activities. There are only four official activities left for the Summer. I have pretty much abandoned the Labor Day plans as well. Pseudo-professor John is getting ready for football season. He is happy as a clam because he will return to his previous life as a couch potato. Essentially, when I stop planning the activities, everyone will go back to their old boring lives. I suppose that I could still hang out with Shirley. That will work. I am not sure about the "set up" situation with Odessa's friend Gigi. I have only chatted with her for a few minutes, and I really don't know anything about her. She works at 'Olelo along with Odessa. I am, of course, a little apprehensive about it all. However, nothing may ever happen.

At the Asylum, I discovered that my pay raise would be retroactive, if approved. Thus, I may receive a nice fat check. Brad and Odessa, my students at the Diploma Mill, are planning something for Friday night. Odessa was uncertain whether her friend Gigi will be there. Gigi is apparently moving this weekend from the North Shore to Aiea. She also told me a little more about Gigi. The plan, I suppose, is that I will meet her in another group outing, most likely next weekend. Then, I will have to ask her out on a real date. Gigi is originally from the mainland. She is Filipino from what I can tell, and she is around 33 years old. According to Odessa, she's been single for a while. "She doesn't take to rejection too well," she said. "You aren't going to reject her right away, are you?" Heck, if anyone is going to be rejected, it's going to be me. Odessa also said that she wanted a definite commitment from me before she told Gigi. So, I told her that I would go through with it. I should be excited, but I am feeling more and more apprehensive. Dating is so ridiculous.

We'll have regular activities starting next week when Shirley returns. Of course, I have to plan around the possible outing where I will be set up with Gigi. I am no longer sure what to make of all of this. This is not a typical Summer for me, that's for sure.

Friday August 1

An uneventful day. I go through the motions of being a gainfully employed person, but it is merely a ruse. When I returned home, I was finally able to contact Odessa and Brad. The final plan was for us to all meet at the Shorebird in Waikiki again at 9:30pm. Pseudo-professor Tony called. I told him the plans, but we somehow never connected. So, I went to Barnes & Noble for a while. Parking was easy for me this time. I walked to the Shorebird and made it there before 10pm. Only Brad's group was there. Within minutes, Odessa called Brad. She wanted directions to the place. Brad went with her to find parking. They were gone for about 30 minutes. Overall, an interesting evening. When I returned home, moms woke up and told me something about my drinking. This is occurring in increasing frequency and it is beginning to bother me. Obviously, my time is drawing near to move on. Moms is making it clear that I should remain at home like a monk. This is unacceptable.

Saturday August 2

I was fatigued this morning, but I took a hike up Koko Head anyway. Later, I went to the gym. My cell phone was quite busy today. I talked with Caroll for a bit. It was nice to catch up on the latest. Sounds like she is doing much better. I also called Brad and Odessa to thank them for planning last night's activities. Pseudo-professor Robert called back to say that he was still illin'. Well, that was an exciting day. For that, I am thankful.

Sunday August 3

The Summer is sure going by quickly. I've been having recurring anxiety attacks again. I've also been spending money like there's no tomorrow. I am also sunburned again from the hike yesterday. With less than a month left of Summer, I wonder whether there will be any pleasant surprises or will it just be the status quo again.

I was going berserk for most of the day. I went for a shortened version of my usual Koko Head hike. Then, I hung out in the park for a while. I went to the gym in the afternoon. Then, I took the bus to Kahala Mall. I chilled at Barnes & Noble. My mid-life crisis in now peaking again, and I know why. The anxiety attacks can only be quelled if I leave the house immediately and do something. I can no longer sit still. I have also observed that I have had short bursts of melancholia. The latter was almost unnoticeable at first. At this point, I am not sure how long I can hold up. My defenses are breaking down.

Monday August 4

An uneventful day. This was one of the few times that I can say that I was happy to return to wage slavery. Well. I went to the gym to workout and chill. The highlight of my day was when a few of my students at the Asylum guessed that I was under 30 years of age. Tonight, I am working on putting up our group's activities on the Net and eliminate the e-mail newsletter. I am also working on putting RSVP services on-line. I have no babe so I have all the time in the world to work on these things. Sheesh!

Tuesday August 5

At the Asylum, I submitted all of the paperwork required for my supposed pay raise. I spoke with the new Dean briefly. He has been revamping my last evaluation. Bug has been giving me low scores for everything, which is why I did not get a pay raise for years. The new Dean is trying to get me a ten percent pay increase that is also retroactive to some time in the past (yet to be determined). The rest of the day was uneventful. My students at the Diploma Mill, Brad and Odessa, are planning another outing on Friday night. They are going to meet at Grumpy's. Odessa mentioned that Gigi would be there. Suddenly, I was thinking that none of this was a good idea anymore.

Shirley called twice today. She is ready to come home. Ramona has been taking them on a whirlwind tour of Colorado and South Dakota. They did not get to do any whitewater rafting. They are leaving early tomorrow for the airport. So, Shirley will be back here tomorrow afternoon. I told her to get ready for the weekend.

Wednesday August 6

I read an interesting thread in the AskMen Forums today about being in the FriendZone^tm (which is also replicated in Speak! III by LoserNet).

The real problem, and this is what I see with everyone in this situation, is that the window of opportunity quickly closes on the babe's side. She immediately loses any attraction, which at that point is almost purely sexual. Only fools would believe otherwise. And, there is plenty of propaganda out there stating the exact opposite. The reason is so simple — it is still improper for babes to state explicit sexual interest in guys. I am not saying that they want to do da wild thing right away, but they must feel as though the guy is someone they want to sleep with. This is no different than what happens with most guys. Only thing, guys are allowed to explicitly state it as such.

Thus, I have finally discovered that all of those topics on the forums — nice guys versus jerks, FriendZone^tm, etc. — are all the same. The issue is simple — a guy must explicitly state his intentions from the beginning. Babes are programmed to accept this and make a decision. If the guy makes no explicit overture, the babe chooses the default FriendZone^tm option, and there's no way out.

Thursday August 7

Shirley called and left a message last night. She is completely fatigued. She also called around noon today, but I was in class. The event at Grumpy's is still on. Odessa didn't mention Gigi except once in passing, but I gather that I am supposed to meet her tomorrow night. Well, she already told me all that I need to know on Tuesday. This will be an interesting situation if my group are there. We have no other contingency plans, so I don't see us being anywhere else. Of course, I am now becoming somewhat nervous about the whole situation. I am supposed to "chat up" Gigi, probably dance with her, and then ask for her phone number. Oh boy.

Pseudo-professor Robert was in the faculty computer room when I walked in after my class. We discussed the babe situation, as usual. It was a much more serious conversation. He expressed the same concerns as Pseudo-professor John. In effect, he is ready to resign himself to the loser life. He was extremely discouraged when I was rejected by baby, which confirms that my brethren were indeed looking to the ol' lavahead as if he is the shepherd. "We can't just roll over and die," I pleaded. "I won't roll over." I tried to make an analogy to my five-year financial plan. "We have to establish a goal," I said. "Then, it takes discipline and perseverance." Oddly, this was my lecture for most of my classes today. I discussed my financial plan and urged my students to design their own plan. I went to the gym for my usual workout. Glen was there. We always end up talking story. After the gym, I returned to the faculty computer room and did some grading. There were quite a few people there, so I had plenty of company.

I called Shirley after dinner. She told me all about her vacation. Shirley also knew about the "set up" with Gigi. So, I told her what's what with tomorrow night. Shirley does not really want to go to Grumpy's, so I won't force her. Things are just getting stranger by the day.

Friday August 8

First Pseudo-professor John decided to check out. Now, Pseudo-professor Robert has followed him. Maybe I am barking up the wrong tree. Maybe it truly is over, and I'm just not seeing it. I've listened to both of their arguments concerning the situation. Frankly, I really have no rebuttal. All I can do is appeal to their senses. "I feel as though my time has come and gone," Pseudo-professor Robert told me. How can I refute that? It's true. We are not comfortable with the game. We have nothing to offer any babe. And, none of us are really psychologically prepared to go through hell and back.

An uneventful day. The new Dean at the Asylum has changed all of the parameters for my pay increase. Now, I am expecting very little. I called Shirley and talked with her for an hour. She said that she wasn't feeling well, so that's why she did not want to go out. In the meantime, everyone else in our group decided not to go. However, Pseudo-professor Tony called and said he would go along. I left for Kahala Mall around 9pm, so I could kill some time at Barnes & Noble. Brad had called a few minutes earlier to say that he was going to be at Grumpy's at 10pm. When I finally left, I received another call from Brad. He said that his group would not be going. I picked up Pseudo-professor Tony. He lives in Makiki.

We arrived at Grumpy's at 10:30pm. No one was there. So, I called Odessa, only to find out that they were still on the way. The place was somewhat dumpy and it is a dance club. Gradually, the place filled up. Odessa's friends, including Gigi, finally arrived. Everyone works at 'Olelo. It was a strange situation, one that really made me rethink Pseudo-professor Robert's comments. Pseudo-professor Tony and I did not fit in. I had a few brewskis and even ended up on the dance floor. The situation with Gigi was very awkward. I do not think that I made a great impression. Odessa kept coaxing me to go over and talk with her, but the stupid part is that we were all sitting by the speakers. No one could hear a thing. Gigi was deliberately ignoring me, so that I would have to make a concerted effort to talk with her. I realized that this was part of the game, because Odessa kept telling me what I had to do. Gigi is attractive, but she is slightly thick, not that it makes a difference. We left at 1am, which was fine with me. I do not think that I could get into clubbing. When I was younger, I could probably tolerate it more. Now, it makes no sense. People were just meandering around drunk or dancing. There was no purpose or meaning in the activity, except to satisfy vanity. Even Pseudo-professor John's words echoed through my mind. He will only go to events that are limited to our small core group.

As the days go on, I am finding little value in what I am doing. Trying to find a babe has become a joke with no meaning. I do not believe that Odessa was too happy with me last night. Even Pseudo-professor Tony noticed her displeasure. However, Odessa did say that Gigi will be along for the hike next weekend. I am learning that the chances I'll remain single for the rest of my life is extremely high, something that I have to accept. But, I am not ready to "roll over and play dead" yet.

Saturday August 9

I went for a hike this morning. Shirley called while I was on my way down Koko Head. The wind was gusty, so I had to stop under a pathetic bush in order to cut down on wind noise. I also wanted to avoid becoming sunburned. I stood under the bush for an hour while I chatted with Shirley. She wanted to know what happened last night. I had to tell her about my pathetic performance. Later, I went to the gym. The air conditioning was not working, so I had to cut my workout short. At 7pm, I for town, specifically Border's at the Ward Center. Along the way, Pseudo-professor Robert called. I told him that he could meet me at Border's. So, we met up at Border's and spent a pleasant evening there. We sat outside in the café and chatted. There were a lot of babes there. Naturally, we discussed the babe situation. We had a very good discussion, but I am still concerned about implementation. That's where we always fail. Pseudo-professor Tony also called. He wanted to know what's what. I said that I was at Border's, so he knew that nothing was going on. He also made mention that he observed how upset Odessa was with the situation. Yep, I will get hell for that.

Sunday August 10

My discussion with Pseudo-professor Robert last night has made me wonder about my priorities. We are grappling with the same issues, yet there is hardly a consensus concerning anything. That's okay because we need diversity of thought. He's right about one thing — we need to address the economic issue first. And, it's not just a matter of babes. Freedom is the issue. Freedom to make choices. Anonder has that freedom. I will never be able to match his bank account, but I may still be able to obtain some semblance of freedom. I have got to dramatically increase my savings in the next few years. I only have a short period of time to do so, because I have already decided that I won't be a total wage slave until retirement age. I have to cut back on my time in the salt mines even more. However, gone are the days that I squalor in mendicance just to save money for some nebulous future time. I have to enjoy my time now. I am spending money like there's no tomorrow, but it's not affecting my savings goal. I still plan to divest more of my useless possessions, including my Orion telescope. There have been no clear skies in months.

Even the journal has become useless to me in the past few months, coincidentally when I resigned from monk life-style. I suppose that I could do without the useless analyses and the banal commentary on life. Now, I discuss nothing but banal vanity and trivial pursuits. The journal is also another impediment to freedom. Each day, I am obligated to write something about my life. Little wonder that few journals survive beyond a few months. Sheesh! Shirley called this morning. We chatted about the usual topics including babes and sexual attraction (see Wednesday). I went for a hike up Koko Head again. Pseudo-professor John called. I invited him to stop by later in the afternoon. My bro stopped by right after I returned home. He replaced the old mailbox. I walked to the gym to do a quick workout. When I returned home, my bro was still working on the mailbox. We dropped back a few Guiness brewskis. My bro's family was also here. Pseudo-professor John stopped by. We chatted for about an hour about the usual nonsense. Caroll also called. She was in Salinas for the weekend, and was on her way home to Sacramento. Her brother has moved there. I chatted with my bro until he left. The rest of the evening will be relaxing. I have to return to the salt mines tomorrow.

Monday August 11

Shirley called last night. We chatted for about an hour about the usual nonsense. She said that she may come into town to do some shopping today. So, sure enough, she called me while she was on her way. I was still at the Asylum. I left immediately and waited by the parking structure where she parks her car. When she arrived, I rode with her to park the car. She gave me some gifts from Colorado. We ate lunch at Taco Bell.

Kevin called and left a message. He said that he talked to the new Dean again. He also mentioned different terms concerning my pay raise. I am not sure what is going on, but I am not happy about it. I still do not expect anything to go through. Actually, I feel like I've been raped.

Tuesday August 12 — Truth

At Border's, Pseudo-professor Robert asked me if I remembered the last time a babe was attracted to me. I said that it was about four years ago with both Malia and Joyce. He said that he couldn't remember the last time that happened to him. The latter was his premise for giving up. What is interesting is that there has been no babe showing any interest in the ol' lavahead for the last four years. Something changed four years ago, and I don't know what it is. This is important because of my recent discovery that initial attraction on the babe's side is sexual in nature, just like it is for guys. This initial assessment simply determines whether there would be enough physical "chemistry" to do da wild thing. So, if there are no babes attracted to Pseudo-professor Robert or I, then we are not sexually attractive to babes. It is clear that his logic is flawless in this case. There is no babe situation for either of us.

Shirley was in town for the jury duty selection process. She called late in the afternoon. She apparently must return tomorrow. This brings me back to my original topic. In fact, I thought about this matter during the dreadful ride home on the express bus. Pseudo-professor Robert has been right all along. I've just failed to believe him. However, how can I not see the obvious? How can any of us address the babe situation when we know absolutely no babes? And, this is not likely to change anytime soon. Babes are not attracted to any of us.

So, I am now at the proverbial fork in the middle of the road. I can continue my trivial pursuit of nothing, or I can accept the fact that this charade is over. Frankly, I just want to break down and cry. Can it really be this hopeless? How can I make it through the rest of my life like this? I really miss the days when I had a babe. Oh, I've lamented about this before. I really miss the physical intimacy. I'm not just talking about da wild thing. For guys, physical intimacy is very important. Touch, for us, is only possible when one has a babe. It is so nice to run my hands over the soft bare skin of a babe. And, kissing a babe ... how can I even describe the sensuality? It's been five years now, and I am going berserk. To think, I may never be with a babe again. How can I go on knowing that I will never experience that again? That is why I have to wonder how so many of my associates have just accepted permanent celibacy as a way of life. I am not thinking of returning to the [copulating] monk life-style, just in case anyone is wondering. It's all semantics anyway. If I don't find a babe, I will essentially be a monk again.

Wednesday August 13

My pay raise at the Asylum went through. So, I will be making about $1,100 more per year. I was given the retroactive pay dating back to December 2001, so I will receive an additional $1,800 check. This is far less than I expected, but I am grateful nonetheless. So, I now anticipate that I will meet the goal of my five-year plan at the end of the month. Shirley came by my class at the Asylum at noon. Shirley and I ate at Taco Bell for lunch again. Then, we hurried back to see if we could run into Pseudo-professor John before his class. We were able to chat with him for a couple of minutes. Shirley and I then killed some time in the new student/faculty lounge. Then, I had to go to my class.

I received a very nice e-mail from Malia. Here is the full transcript:

Pseudo-professor John and I had an interesting talk this afternoon. Once again, it was about the babe situation. I have been trying to remain somewhat optimistic, but I am beginning to wonder how long I will hold out. Pseudo-professor Robert had a convincing argument. We cannot attract any babes. If we cannot attract them initially, then we cannot prove to them that we are worth a damn. Even I once thought that I had a lot to offer, but that's a non-issue since I know absolutely no babes. This is, I'm afraid, a no-win scenario.

Thursday August 14

An uneventful day. I received my checks for my current pay period and the retroactive pay at the Asylum. I was very happy. Even with the taxes deducted, I will make my goal at the end of the month. This will be my only real accomplishment in life. Pathetic, isn't it? There really is nothing else worthy of mention. My classes at the Diploma Mill are winding down. I am going to miss some of my students, especially Brad and Odessa. We will be doing a couple of activities with them this weekend. After that, I am not sure whether there will be any more group activities. I also restored my dork haircut this afternoon.

Friday August 15

An uneventful day. I left much later than usual for town because today was a holiday. However, I still had to do my class at the Diploma Mill. After the gym, I ended up at the faculty computer room. Pseudo-professor John was there. Pseudo-professor John gave me a ride home. He offered to let me park at his place and then we could walk to Nick's. So, I drove to Waikiki later and met John. We walked to Nick's and ended up waiting for about an hour because no one else was there. Finally, Brad's group showed up. Odessa decided to cancel at the last minute. We joined them in the cocktail lounge. I called Shirley later and made arrangements for all of us to meet. Shirley went out to celebrate Ramona's b-day. That's why she was not with us. After we finished eating and paid our portion of the bill, we said our good-byes.

We then drove to the Aloha Tower Marketplace to meet up with Shirley and Ramona. They were waiting at Don Ho's. We did not go into any of the places there. So, we decided to get some dessert at Zippy's. We walked back to the parking lot. We drove to Zippy's. Shirley and Ramona were waiting for us. We had a nice time at Zippy's. Then, we left. I gave Pseudo-professor John a ride home. We sat in the lobby of the building he lives in and talked for about an hour. He still has quite a thing for Shirley.

Saturday August 16

I was a little groggy this morning because I only had three hours of sleep. Nonetheless, I hiked up Koko Head. I also chatted with Shirley. Then, I chatted with Romero back in Convalescent City. I am making it a point to look up old friends. My beloved cell phone is coming in real handy. Odessa also called to confirm our hiking plans.

I spent the evening at Barnes & Noble. Pseudo-professor John stopped by for about an hour. We chatted about the usual nonsense. Shirley called while I was walking around the store. We chatted for about an hour. She has been critical of my attitude lately. I can't help the fact that I am going through mid-life crisis. She also said that she would meet us at The Shack in Kailua after the hike.

To be continued ... Go to D.15