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2001: The Viagra Years

Sunday July 1, 2001

There is little doubt that I'm rapidly losin' it. I was even further disillusioned when I noticed a distinct bulge toward the center of the keyboard of the iBook. I also noticed that the display doesn't latch firmly to the base when closed. Yes, I know that it is a budget-priced computer. Anything under $2,000 is considered small change these days. Sheesh! I have decided to continue with my theme of change. For one thing, I will permanently open the formerly closed [UJ] archives. I am also contemplating the reduction of journal entries to once per week. My thoughts and activities have become so redundant such that I have nothing to write about except my sporadic bouts with psychosis. And, since most people are devout Windows disciples, there is little need to discuss the iBook.

A plethora of journal options exist on the Net. At this point in time, even the most boring of the bunch is far more exciting than the useless dribble that suffices as a pathetic rationalization of my unstable position in life. It's easy to see why I have become a monk. This morning, I was perusing the usual Sunday ads including Circuit City and CompUSA. I could feel the enticement to run out and purchase all of those convenience gadgets and toys. "If only I could afford my own home theater," I lamented. Why? So I can collect the myriad crappy movies out on DVD? How about music CDs? Oh, I used to love to collect them until I became disillusioned. The reason is that romance is the major theme of every major movie and music track out there. I suppose that no one really cares to see a movie about the virtues of the iBook or to listen to songs about digging up stumps in the back yard. Let's face it, though. The subliminal messages of the media are ruling our lives and controlling our emotions. We react to them in a Pavlovian fashion. It only goes to prove that sex appeal and romance is what sells, and the moneychangers are not about to revise a proven formula. Everything seems catchy and slick until, upon closer scrutiny, we observe that the basic core is redundant. Either one becomes disillusioned, or this rudimentary core gives birth to an insatiable need that never becomes fulfilled. That is the crux of rampant consumerism. The impetus is the Nourishment Axiom. Each purchased portion is just a small meal. A snack. It is not enough to live on. To benefit by the complete, balanced meal requires endless consumption of the smaller, consecutive portions. We lovingly refer to these as "sequels." With insidious precision, the moneychangers will have us believe that there is a synergistic effect. The whole meal is greater than the sum of its portions.

All aspects of our lives are fashioned after that model. I was reviewing my tax situation. At the end of the tax year, I find that I make about as much (or less) than a Burger King employee. I am forced to either get married or to purchase real estate in order to qualify for decent deductions. Otherwise, my tax dollars are contributed to the greatest welfare fraud of all, namely the coffers of corrupt politicians. I could qualify for a first-time FHA homeowner's loan. However, my precarious employment situation precludes any long-term planning. I certainly don't have enough dough saved to put any kind of down payment on even the most pitiful hovel in Hawai'i. I am sure that there are many people in the same situation. Most of us have had some of our savings and IRAs depleted by the so-called economic "correction" of the past year. Then, interest rates have been cut significantly, so there is no way to save and feel good about it. The moneychangers want the poor and the destitute to start spending every last dime they have, and to buy as much as possible on credit. That's why the interest rates are so low. The tax structure for the minions has essentially not changed. Thus, it is far more tempting to spend all disposable income rather than save it and earn a pathetic dividend. The real problem is that the pathetic dividend is enough to place one in a higher tax bracket. The result is that one's net income will be significantly lower than someone who makes less dough. So, there is no choice but to spend, spend, spend.

The general public seems pretty content with all of this. The perception is that they are getting a "piece of the pie." They are getting something worthwhile out of life and it makes them happy. Upon closer scrutiny, we know this is not true. All indicators show extreme psychopathology permeating all levels of society. The bottom line is that the Nourishment Axiom must continue to be fostered in the minds of the masses. It must be equated with the most primal of needs in Maslow's Hierarchy. A heavy reliance upon substandard products or those classified as "evolutionary" will insure constant production and cash flow. Without consumption, there can be no jobs. No income. Most of what we consider to be jobs are really superfluous time-killers. Yet, these are the careers which make the most money. None are essential for our survival.

Another clever method to drain the masses of wealth (term used loosely) is what I would call the "subscription to poverty." The moneychangers have fashioned new services based on the successful HMO model. Extreme marketing insures that these services are rated as "must have" and, therefore, deemed necessities, not luxuries. Every trick in the book is used to lock the unwitting fool into a contract. What am I talking about? Cell phones, ISPs, wireless PDA services, maintenance agreements, software, and so forth. No one thinks twice, usually because the billing is done automatically by credit card or electronic debit. Twenty dollars a month sounds like chump change until one realizes that it amounts to $240 per year. Now, multiply that by the number of different services subscriptions. Many people never even realize when a particular contract expires because the service reverts to a month-to-month form of payment. And, how about those endless software upgrades? Has anyone ever checked to see how outdated his or her present software really is? A fool and his money are soon parted.

Our inherent need to gather things and display them will also be our demise. Naturally, this does not apply to the affluent. Why do people collect DVDs, videos, music CDs, amongst other things? Why would anyone want to view, peruse, or listen to that mediocre crap more than once? And, look at how much that useless junk costs. Sheesh! I admit that I was once duped by the moneychangers into believing that I had to establish collections. Now, the only collection I believe is worthy of investment is a good hurdy-gurdy collection. Certainly, much more synergistic value can be obtained from the latter.

In a truly hedonistic society, all things give way to pleasures of the flesh. The pleasures transcend and displace all other aspects of life. They become a primal need. Values become obfuscated. Slobo would not be facing the music at the Hague if he had only been clever enough to employ the best of the spin doctors. His media presence was unpolished. Even the most perverse of acts can be acceptable if repackaged. Enough said. Perhaps this provides a better explanation of why I am the way I am, although I am hard-pressed to believe that anyone cares. After all, I only write this crap for myself.

With that in mind, it's easy to see why I must remain a monk. I must remain single, even amidst outside pressure to find a babe. I could never find someone who thinks in a similar fashion and who also has similar values. Everyone has bought into the system. I am an anomaly. As I've said many times over the years, I have nothing in common with babes. This is especially true concerning materialism. There are no babes who would even entertain my philosophy. It goes against their very nature. If necessary, a few good hurdy-gurdy DVDs will adequately substitute for babes. The monk existence is a lonely one, but it is the only acceptable path for the ol' lavahead.

Monday July 2

Back to the salt mines. I can't say that I am gaining in enthusiasm concerning my plight as a wage slave. My only consolation was that I received my Apple OS X CD today. That is the new operating system that should have come with the iBook. It's a really nice operating system, but it is incomplete. For one thing, it can't interface with the DVD drive. I am going to wait before I upgrade to OS X, even though it can reside concurrently with the old Mac OS. The iBook is not really fast enough to run OS X as it is. Even more RAM will not help much. What is even worse is that OS X looks similar to Windows. Eventually, I will switch to OS X.

I am already falling into the trap of the moneychangers. Tomorrow, I will make a quick jaunt to CompUSA, if I have time, to purchase a new surge protector and a small case for my iBook. I am growing weary of unboxing it and boxing it up each time I use it. Of course, I may see the folly of my ways and refrain from temptation. However, the iBook is my prized possession. I must protect it. I must give in to the moneychangers and succumb to materialism for the sake of consumption. I am Moronicus of Borg. Prepare to be assimilated. Resistance is futile. Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaa! Oh brother.

I ran into Kevin this afternoon. I can't remember if I mentioned that he got married recently. He is living off of the paltry salary from the Asylum. Right now, he only facilitates two classes. I can't see how he's making it. I have five classes at the Asylum and one at the university. That's barely enough for me to survive. I think that things will turn around for Kevin soon enough. At least he has a babe to keep him company. All I've got is my iBook. That's another reason why I can't switch to OS X. If I start up my hurdy-gurdy DVD collection, then I'll need to have a working DVD player. Kevin seems pretty happy. I know that he's been wanting to get married for a long time. I've known many friends like him. I'm not sure, but I've never been that way. I am not driven to get married to anyone. I can barely put up with the nonsense that babes like to put guys through. Sure, there's da wild thing. However, a good hurdy-gurdy DVD collection is the compromise solution. And, as I said yesterday, there are no babes who would adapt to the ol' lavahead's ascetic lifestyle. I am better off following the path to spirituality. That can only be attained by separating oneself from the temptations of the flesh. Everything is vanity!

Tuesday July 3

Yesterday, when I had boarded the express bus, I noticed that it was almost completely full. As the bus made its way through town, I realized that it was the earlier bus and it was also late. The bus was also full of the usual morons who give me funny looks because I am dressed like a slob in my gym outfit. They must believe that I'm either homeless or unemployed or both. At the last stop, I decided to get off. I knew that the usual bus would be only minutes behind. As I got off the bus, I noticed that there was standing room only. No one else got off but me. Who would follow a derelict? The next bus came within five minutes. It was almost completely empty. We passed the other bus just after the turn onto Lunalilo Home Road in Hawai'i Kai. I got off at my stop. The other bus passed as I was walking. The driver waved. I had to laugh because I managed to see group-think in action again. Most wage slaves are mere followers. Rather than look idiotic, those morons chose to stay on a crowded bus and stand for the whole trip home, no less. I had the whole back of the bus to myself. I may not be a team player, but I'm not altogether that stupid.

These are the Dog Days of Summer. I took some time out to take a quick jaunt over to CompUSA to buy a cheap neoprene shuttle case for my beloved iBook. The price at $20 was a bargain. The case is a little too big for the iBook. The Titanium PowerBook G4 would have fit perfectly. I noticed that at least one iBook on display had OS X running. It seemed to be functioning just fine, although I'm not sure how much RAM was installed. I am not really that concerned since the old Mac OS is still hella better than Windows.

Tomorrow is a holiday. Unfortunately, I have a lot of work to do. I'm going to relax this evening and explore more of the features of my iBook. The, I'll peruse the Net. If I am ambitious, I may even go on a hurdy-gurdy DVD shopping spree. Well, maybe that's not such a good idea.

Independence Day 2001

I spent most of the evening with my beloved Apple iBook computer. I downloaded a few software updates, which means that I am further committed to the Mac 9.1 OS. There is a tremendous amount of pressure to upgrade to OS X, just as there will be tremendous pressure to upgrade to Windows XP. I stayed on with Windows 95 until the end. It worked fine, and I am almost certain that it worked better than Windows 98 or Millennium. The iBook has only crashed once so far, and that was because of the usual Mac problem with memory resources. I am just glad that I don't have to see the damned "Blue Screen of Dung" ever again.

I don't normally celebrate any holidays. I am a monk, after all. However, I believe that there is some kind of significance to this Independence Day, and it has nothing to do with history. There is symbolic meaning. Many changes have taken place in the last few weeks, some more disturbing than others. However, what has become extremely clear is the need to break away from the vortex of stupidity and free myself from indenture to rampant materialism. The old "ball and chain" routine. It's a tough battle, but there is the greatest potential for victory. Who of sound mind would not desire to be truly free of this crap? Heck, I've even permanently opened the formerly closed [UJ] archives. It's freedom we're taking about here. Freedom, across the board, including historical antecedents that have proven to once be detrimental. There's nothing to fear but fear itself. Acts of independence will remove the fear. I have even wrestled free of the grip of the deadly fire water. To truly move toward an independent state requires a clear mind.

And, what about the temptations of the flesh? What am I talking about? Babes, of course. Who needs them? Only in my moments of weakness do I see that disgusting weasel-like behavior wield its ugly head. Weakness begets dependence. Dependence begets a craving for nurturing. A guy must stand on his own two feet and realize that his masculinity is simply defined by genetics. It is the soul that requires definition, and this is only accomplished by self-discovery. No babe will aid in facilitating this process. It is a monumental task that requires a singular wit. I am now firmly convinced that a babe will only reduce a guy to a quivering blob of jelly and hasten his own demise. The temptation of babes has only been laid before us to separate the weak from the strong. It is the litmus test of true conviction and will power.

Each and every day, we are bamboozled and blinded by so many distractions. These distractions call to us, and remove us from the proper path. We become a lost tribe in the wilderness. Sheep without a shepherd. Followers without a leader. We do not recognize that we are the sheep and the shepherd. That's right. We lead our own flock. That flock is the soul of our being. The life force. "All this because you bought an iBook?" you may ask. The iBook is merely a computer. However, the choice of a Mac in a Windows world is a small step toward independence. Becoming a monk is an even bigger step. Celibacy, an even bigger step. And so on. We determine the tests. We either conform or we break away. We congregate in safety with the weak, or we become one of the strong ones.

All babbling aside, I have decided to return to the original sparse (i.e., sans images) format of the journal. I have also suspended indefinitely any revisions to the LoserNet site, including the much needed reformatting of earlier portions of the journal. These actions are justified by the dwindling number of visitors. I believe that I am trying to wean myself of the Net and, ultimately, the computer itself. Perhaps I can return to a non-technological basis of existence. I yearn for the day that I can just sit around in my favorite chair and not feel guilty for wasting time. The activity is only a waste of time in comparison to others who judge it as such. Our lives are constantly determined by others' opinions. I have no idea why I even bother to discuss the concept. Most people believe that I have a screw loose somewhere. That's why I have so few friends. I have nothing in common with the general populace. For example, I don't see much wrong with absorbing time in an unproductive (a subjective term) activity. Upon closer scrutiny, it's plain to see that all activities are packaged for consumption. They are branded, marketed, and sold. Almost every aspect of our lives, including our leisure time activities, is nothing more than the equivalent of a cheap package of Ramen noodles. The freeze-dried twigs, the MSG-laced soup base, and that sickening mass-produced quality. We are shuffled around like morons. Hogs in a pen, awaiting the slaughter. No, I don't feel bad about wasting my life away in my beloved resin chair. I could be watching the pre-packaged fireworks display. I could be at the mall spending every last dime on holiday sales. There's always a sale, so why bother? I could be at the beach or somewhere else with myriad idiots trying to enjoy a day off from wage slavery, as if it's the last day that they will ever have off.

There are always fools around to remind me that I'm missing out on the fun and excitement of "living." They are having a great time, they tell me. I have to take what they say on face value. However, I have observed disturbing undercurrents which may suggest that none of them are as happy and content as they claim to be. Increasingly disproportionate amounts of external stimuli appear to be necessary to sustain any level of contentment. And, small chinks in the armor become apparent with little need for scrutiny to isolate. The little guilt trips perpetrated on others are the tools of conformity that were used to originally recruit them into the vortex. True independence requires that we see the folly perpetrated on us and to question the validity of conformity on a case-by-case basis. This pertains particularly to the issue of quality of life. We follow distinct patterns in our life span that we believe to be rites of passage. Those who do not tend to follow these patterns are considered abnormal. Just take a look at mating and marriage patterns, as an example. Are monks revered in that respect?

Another painful subject is wage slavery. I don't particularly care to work. It's not because I am lazy. It's because I know that what I do is neither important to me or important to anyone else. I'm not going to fool myself into believing that I make a difference, because I don't. I make absolutely zero important contributions to society. For this, I get paid a paltry sum. Money isn't even an issue since I will eventually pay off my loans and I will save a tidy sum of dough. My consumption pattern is way below average, and it will continue to drop further. That alone throws a blackeye in da game. I have discovered that our main purpose in life is to consume as much as possible. That's what keeps our artificial economy going. That's why we have jobs. It's a viscous cycle that spiral upward, mainly because of greed. There's nothing wrong, I guess, if one is content with this. However, judging from what we've done to this planet, to the innocent creatures who inhabit it, and from what we've done to ourselves and to each other, I'd say that our definition of contentment is seriously flawed. We should be a happy planet. But, we're not. Sure, there are a lot of smiling faces having fun, especially on the tube. Yet, deep down inside, contempt, envy, and hatred are festering. I can only state my own case because I have seen it all in myself. I am tired of it and, therefore, seek a better way of life. That's true independence to me.

Naturally, sitting around by myself is not the pinnacle of excitement. Sometimes it is nice to have company. I suppose that is the appeal of having a babe. Babes always want to go places and do things (i.e., spend lots of dough). They want to be seen. They want people to notice what they are wearing and who they are with. This may seem fun for a while, but it gets old real quick. Of course, the draw of da wild thing keeps most guys complacently tethered like a cast iron ball on a chain. I'm sure that many guys find that more enjoyable than sitting in the bachelor pad (read: cell), watching the game on the tube, and eating tuna straight from the can. That's why I must remain a monk. A step in the other direction will mean a complete change in lifestyle from mendicance to "the sky's the limit." I could never be truly happy in a situation where I would live precariously from paycheck to paycheck just so my babe and I can present the outward appearance of affluence. I'm better off with the hurdy-gurdy DVD collection.

Well, that is my concept of independence, as it were. Tomorrow, I return to the salt mines. I look forward to having the last two weeks off in August (without pay, of course). I plan to spend most of my time sitting in my beloved resin chair. Or, I'll continue to nerd out with my iBook. Although I find that I have less need for a computer as time goes on, I still find that it is the best investment I have made. And, it is the reason that I even have a job at all. The computer has given me a level of independence. I am thankful for that. In the end, does any of this make sense? You be the judge, as it pertains to your life. If you are celebrating the holiday, have a safe and fun time!

Thursday July 5

The highlight of my day was yet another jaunt to CompUSA so I could buy a surge protector. Why didn't I buy it on Tuesday? I didn't want to spend ten more dollars, so I foolishly put off the purchase. The cheap Radio Shack surge protector is probably still good but the green light no longer stays on. Why take a chance with my new iBook? Sometimes I really have to wonder about my frugality. Sheesh! I have to admit that all I can think about during the day is babes. Just kidding! I am thinking about my iBook and how I'd rather be home with it than be downtown with the myriad morons loitering there. I'm not alone, apparently, as I read last night on one of the Macworld on-line forums. I can hardly tolerate working on Windows computers anymore. It may be coincidence but every Windows computer I have used in the past few days has crashed on me continuously. I'm not trying to be a Windows basher. In fact, I think the OS Wars are kind of stupid. None of us are getting paid by these companies. The choice of computer operating systems is a personal preference. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Each day, I grow more weary. I am disillusioned by everything. I don't think that working toward retirement is enough incentive to continue on this present path. Time is passing by rapidly and it's because I want it to. Wage slavery is intolerable. Yet, that passage of time is also eating away at my life span. Perhaps I should have become more serious about finding a babe and starting a family. As it stands, I have no purpose but to establish some kind of spirituality which can justify my existence. With a spiritual basis or not, I am still hard-pressed to determine exactly why I am here. It kind of tragic that my whole life revolves around this little Apple iBook computer. The iBook transcends the label of a mere possession.

I suppose that I have no choice but to continue on in the salt mines. Working is a necessary evil. Even if one doesn't make a lot of dough or is not in a rewarding position, working is vital to individual productivity. That's how we gain at least a basic sense of purpose in life. I suppose that, if money meant a lot more to me, then I would take the ideals of capitalism and embrace them much more passionately. There is something extremely dispassionate about divesting all of one's worldly possessions. Then again, what do I know? Some punk drove into the cul de sac at 4am with his Riceboy (pimped-out Honda Civic) and was revving his engine in order to make several feeble attempts at "burning rubber." I'm surprised that he didn't break that faggot transmission or the wimpy "recycled Coors can" driveshaft. I'm sure that the punk was someone associated with the young ho' and that pathetic exhibition was for my sake. My patience has really worn thin in the last month. I'm sure that it is easy to see why. I am planning to buy a "nine" and take care of this problem. I received my first quarterly check from the small annuity that pops had set up for me. It's enough to buy a "nine." It's been months since I had any dealing with these morons, but it is plain to see that the local-style grudge just keeps coming back like a bad sitcom. That's okay. My predictions have been coming true. Soon they will become more brazen. I'll be ready for them. Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaaa!

Friday July 6

This was the first day that I felt comfortable with my presentation for my math class. I actually enjoyed it. I have also been spending a lot of time preparing for each class. Now, the classes at the Asylum are another story. I have six paid teaching assistants, but they are not being welcomed with open arms by the students. It is almost too pathetic to watch the childish behavior. My assistants are students as well, but I have identified them as students with high potential. That's the big difference. I'm just happy that the weekend is upon us. Any break from the salt mines is welcome relief.

Moms lost her purse on the bus. Along with it were here bus pass, house keys, credit card, and other important items. Now I fear that we will be candidates for a robbery. I am going to buy a new lock set tomorrow. Moms is getting more forgetful with each passing day. Sometimes, it is difficult to take. I'm glad that I installed the high-pressure sodium security light. That will at least help to deter the potential robbers if they came at night. Naturally, this is yet another good reason to purchase the "nine."

That lousy cell phone service provider, Verizon, sent me a bill from corporate headquarters alleging that my payment for last month was late. I usually get a local billing statement. The stupid part is that I paid the bill by phone with a credit card on the due date (June 28th). The new bill is dated the 25th of June. This pretty much ends my working relationship with Verizon. When I make my next payment, I will also set up the termination date of my service. And, away we go!

I have quite a few babes in my classes at the Asylum and at the university who are prone to display their wares. This has become so commonplace that I rarely mention it. I had to give an exam to one of the babes in my math class. She is an awesome babe. Naturally, to be expected, she had her wares on display. She wore an all black low-cut outfit that was skin-tight. Any guy in his right mind would have been in ecstasy. None of it really fazes me anymore. I am a monk. I mean, look, I have a DVD player built into my beloved iBook and I have yet to order any hurdy-gurdy DVDs. Sheesh! I can only wonder about Pseudo-professor Robert. I haven't seen much of him since he bought his new Sony VAIO notebook computer. Has he bought any hurdy-gurdy DVDs? All I've done for recreation in the last few days is to read the Macworld on-line forums. I am actually looking forward to the day that I switch to OS X, although there is nothing wrong with the version I'm using. It is completely stable. The GUI does look a little dated, but that's easy to overlook unless one needs to impress babes. Let's face it, though. Babes aren't impressed by the GUI as they would be in the presence of a fat wallet.

Often, when I ponder about the "situation," I think of The Master. I have lost touch with him, although I am certain that he is still living in Convalescent City. The Master was a master of will power. He never gave in to the temptations of the flesh. My highest respect will be bestowed upon him when I discover that he made the big move to the "Ranch" in New Mexico to live as a hermit. I'm not sure how The Master would fare if he were in my shoes. Incredible babes displaying their wares day in and day out. It's almost as bad as an Ali Bijan B-movie. Sometimes, I want to go for broke. Then, I realize how much of an idiot I would look like. No, it is the monk life for the ol' lavahead. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Saturday July 7

I spent two hours replacing the lock set on the front door. I had to chisel out the door and the jamb to accommodate the new latch plates. I feel better that the job is done. That will lessen the chances for a break-in. I was extremely fatigued after replacing the door knob. So, I spent most of the day lapsing in and out of a coma. Moms cooked some food on the hibachi and took it over to my bro's place. I lent moms my bus pass. My bro gave moms a ride back. My bro and I ended up talking story. We drove down to Foodland and bought a 12-pack of St. Pauli Girl brewskis and a few pupus (appetizers). I only drank three brewskis in an attempt to keep some semblance of the agreement I had made with myself. My bro drank the rest. My bro also brought copies of pops' death certificate for both moms and I.

I managed to find out that pops had left an IRA savings account for my bro. I'm not certain what the value was, but I can see that it could cause tax problems for him. He seems to believe that he can roll over the whole amount into his own IRA, but I do not think that is possible. I also have received a statement about the savings account that pops had set up for me in addition to the annuity. Since it was an IRA, he had had to take distributions and, therefore, put those in a regular savings account. The statement listed both my bro and myself, although the actual card has only myself listed. My bro does not have a similar card. On Tuesday, I will try to resolve this matter.

I'm not sure what the situation is, but I suspect that my bro has not been putting away much dough. He seems to spend freely, justifying the latter behavior by alluding to quality of life issues. I'm not saying that he's a reckless spender. He believes that people should enjoy what they purchase. And, it is all right to buy things, if it makes one happy. I, on the other hand, have now equated all spending with frivolity, and I look upon non-essential possessions as a cause for feelings of guilt. "Why are you trying to get rid of everything? You already bought all that stuff, so just enjoy it for what it's worth," he cajoled. He does have a point, but I see his approach as just a means to open the floodgates of rampant consumerism. One is always drawn in by enticements of one's own doing. I think that my bro would be absolutely shocked if he saw the small physical displacement of my aggregate property. Everything could fit into a shopping cart. I suppose that I don't need to reiterate my obsessive ascetic behavior ad nauseam.

My bro left at about 2:30am. I'm glad that I have had a chance to renew my ties with my bro, although I must remain tolerant. He talks freely these days, more than he ever has. But, he does have a chip on his shoulder, and he assumes that he is much wiser than he may really be. I walk on eggshells just to insure that we do not have another falling out. Perhaps I have become somewhat of an Oracle in my own eyes as well. Humility is order for everyone. Well, I am going to try to get a few things done with some of the dough that pops left me. For one thing, I've got to find a contractor to fix the closet doors in moms' bedroom. And, I've got to order some topsoil for the front yard. I just want the place to look good for once.

Sunday July 8

I was extremely fatigued today, but nor because of the brewskis. I am just not used to staying up until the wee hours of the morning. I'm glad that my bro came by, though. Otherwise, I would have spent most of the day engaged in an internal debate about whether to install OS X or not. In actuality, I was just about to initiate that very same internal debate this afternoon, but my bro showed up and spared me the agony. Tomorrow, I return to the salt mines.

Aside from the OS X, debate I have many other thoughts on a variety of convoluted subjects. I suppose that OS X is about the only important topic of consideration. I am tempted by the flashy new Mac interface, but still a little put off by its similarity to Windows. First, I'll have to purchase more RAM for the iBook. When all of that is taken into consideration, it is almost much easier to leave well enough alone.

I have also been thinking about the "situation" again. No, I'm not having second thoughts about remaining a monk. I was looking at it from a philosophical standpoint, and how my connectivity with the universe is affected. I am not exactly sure how, but spirituality, existence, mortality, purpose, and a host of other issues are intertwined in a manner that defies empirically based observation. There is a natural heuristic at play. Even my thoughts are disjointed as I feebly attempt to describe the psychosis of sanity. As I strip the layers of pretentiousness created by an artificial economy away, I begin to see the construct of the universal economy. This universal economy is the basis of all life. It is the fabric of existence, and we have certain obligations which cannot be ignored. I am apprehensive about this discovery, to say the least. Perhaps I am afraid of the truth. It is, of course, much easier to ponder the fate of the iBook and OS X. Yet, I am a monk. A man of truth. Therein lies the original journey, always obscured by petty distractions. Will I ever get to my destination? Lord knows, I hope so.

Monday July 9

I may have lapsed into soothsayer mode again yesterday. Perhaps that is what paved the way for me to be in a bad way today. Returning to the salt mines is never easy. It could also be due to OS X. No, I haven't installed it yet. After reading the Macworld forums, I am convinced that I will stick to OS 9.1 for the time being. The version of OS X that I have on a CD is not the most current. The latest update is too big for me to download by modem. My credit card bill came today. I realized that I must now pay for the iBook. So, all of this upgrade nonsense will have to be put on the back burner.

I have been wondering, as of late, about the characteristics that The Master, Pseudo-professor Robert, the ol' lavahead, and probably quite a few other guys share. What is it about us that has led to a similar monk-like existence? And, babes specifically go out of their way to avoid us. I have never answered that question since first bringing it up in the legacy journal. I believe that I posed several hypotheses, but I never reached a solid conclusion. I have noticed that we share slight variations of the eunuch-like behavior and the Data-like personality. Could that really be the key?

No one has returned moms' purse. So, changing the lock set was a good idea. Now, we will have to wait and see whether anybody is planning to break into the house using the old key. This is a good time to own a "nine." This will be a busy week. I will detail the events as they happen. I must find a pair of those Wally Matthau reading glasses at Long's tomorrow. For about ten dollars, how can I go wrong? I'm having a tough time reading the text on the iBook's puny display. Sheesh!

Tuesday July 10

I was not able to locate the Wally Matthau reading glasses at Long's today. Actually, I didn't look very hard because I was rapidly losing my patience with the myriad idiots staggering around in the store. My overall tolerance for stupidity has completely disappeared. I also closed the savings account that pops had left for me. I will split the dough with my bro in the spirit of goodwill. In all honesty, that is not necessarily prudent considering that my bro and his wife just love to spend money. My motives are also suspect since my miserly streak would prefer to keep the funds for the Titanium PowerBook G4 (of which I am saving for). I can always make do with what I have, so the additional dough is really of no consequence.

I am not at all certain about anything. My paltry existence still has no meaning, and it's not because of the babes. My disillusionment stems from the thought that I will be a wage slave forever. I cannot retire as planned because I will always need dough and health benefits, neither of which are possible without wage slavery. I feel betrayed because my plans have been thwarted by my own ignorance. I suppose that a lot of what I am feeling is really a function of the uncertainty of my own health. My appointment for the ultrasound imaging is on Thursday. If necessary, I may also be getting a CAT scan later. The tightness in my gut still persists, and I know that something is not right. I've already discovered that cancer runs in the family. Relatives on both sides of my parents' families have had bouts with cancer. Both my bro and I know that we are likely candidates for the dreaded disease.

My iBook continues to be my only source of entertainment, although I still have no hurdy-gurdy DVDs to watch on it. I have noticed that the case of the iBook is warped such that it does not lay flat on any surface. There are quite a few quality issues with the iBook which I have not seen with any Windows notebook computers. I am very happy with the iBook nonetheless. The Mac OS is far better than Windows even though it has cooperative multitasking and an archaic virtual memory manager. The crashes that I had encountered were my own fault. I ignored the low memory message. All I had to do was to shut down the application and start it up again, and everything would have been fine. I may splurge on more memory for the iBook but I will hold off on OS X until I finally buy the Titanium PowerBook G4 or its successor. That's a long time from now.

I found an interesting quote today by Herbert Marcuse:

The so-called consumer society and the politics of corporate capitalism have created a second nature of man which ties him libidinally and aggressively to the commodity form. The need for possessing, consuming, handling and constantly renewing the gadgets, devices, instruments, engines, offered to and imposed upon the people, for using these wares even at the danger of one's own destruction, has become a 'biological' need.
Says it all, doesn't it?

Wednesday July 11

The days of foolishness continue. I only look forward to returning home and spending time with my iBook. During my spare moments, I check the Macworld forums to learn all that I can from the anecdotes of other Apple users. One contributor mentioned that he had dropped his Titanium PowerBook. Although it still works, there is considerable cosmetic damage. Obviously, the case dents easily. I am also happy that I didn't install OS X because it is too buggy at this point in time. All of that stuff is moot because all I really need is a reliable computer.

My senses seem to have been dulled by the day-to-day tribulation of wage slavery. This evening, I am particularly devoid of thought. Perhaps I should order a few hurdy-gurdy DVDs after I upload the journal. I am not sure why da wild thing is so important to guys. That's what always throws a blackeye in da game. I am pretty much immune from the wily of ways of the babes. And, I have no prospects to provide any temptation. This is about the most generic lifestyle imaginable. I have made tremendous inroads into mendicancy, yet I feel like crap. I should have known what to expect since I am rapidly moving away from the "norm." Just the effect of not having any possessions is spooky. I feel naked and extremely vulnerable. These are the aftershocks of non-conformity. Sometimes, I feel as though I am literally going insane. In the end, it should pay off. There will be a modest reward, I keep saying to myself. Let's hope that I'm right.

Thursday July 12

I did not eat or drink anything until after the appointment for the ultrasound imaging. To say that I was a little hungry by two o' clock would be an understatement. The process didn't take very long. And, it was painless. I won't know anything until next Wednesday. Let's hope that I don't hear any bad news. However, I have to be realistic. There is something wrong. Otherwise, there would be no reason for me to be going through these various tests.

What about all of this talk concerning hurdy-gurdy DVDs? That's good question. I should just order a whole mess of Brianna Banks DVDs. Then, I'll be able to do da wild thing with Brianna (at right and in my imagination, of course) without all of the disadvantages of having a babe. In modern times, this makes sense. That's why the hurdy-gurdy industry is flourishing. That's why the most gorgeous babes are doin' da nasty in those hurdy-gurdies. If I wasn't a monk, I'd be trying damned hard to become a hurdy-gurdy performer. Remember the now-defunct dubious e-commerce project? Remember my plans to branch out into hurdy-gurdy production? It could have happened. It still could happen and I know how successful it would be if we capitalized on all of the exotic local babes. Sadly, I'm a bona fide monk now, so all of this is moot. I'll just order every Brianna Banks title available ... take your right hand and move it up and down ... sing along now .... move it up and down, move it up and down ... Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaaa!

Well, one more day in the salt mines. I've got a lot of work to do this weekend for my math class. I will also spend more time with my iBook. I'm not going to upgrade to Mac OS X until the CD-ROM version is released. I'm not about to waste a lot of time downloading incremental updates. The iBook is serving me well, and I've managed to regain all of the functionality that I had with Windows. And, i have not spent a dime on software. I hope that many more people decide to break away from conformity and switch to Apple (or Linux). The latest brouhaha over product activation has made me even more adamant about never returning to the Windows platform. It is not my place to persuade people to switch platforms, although I think that many will be surprised by Apple computers. I didn't particularly care for them when System 7 was around. In retrospect, I believe that most of the problems were deficiencies in the hardware. That is not the case today.

I am devoid of thought again, as is plain to see. So, I have decided to order the Brianna Banks DVDs tonight. That should bring some excitement into my life, eh? I can hardly wait for Brianna to arrive. Sheesh! Well, we should have something to talk about next week, that's for sure. Well, hey! I'm a loser!

Sinister Kahuna Day

I woke up with a sore throat this morning. However, the pain dissipated after a cup of coffee. Well, I went ahead and ordered a few Brianna Banks DVDs. I can hardly wait for the package to arrive. In fact, I even stopped by Ross to buy a cheap case for my new hurdy-gurdy library. It will hold 24 DVDs and it cost only four dollars. My life as a monk is complete now. Once I get rid of the remaining superfluous crap, I will be left with my iBook and my prized hurdy-gurdy DVD library. I am bringing a whole new dimension to LoserNet. This is real life like you've never seen it before. Sheesh!

Now, of course, you may be wondering if I'll be chokin' da chicken all day long. That's the test. A true monk would not give in to the weaknesses of the flesh. And, what would be more pathetic than pulling the pud while sitting in front of the iBook? We live in a great time, don't we? Now guys don't even need babes. Virtual babes doin' da wild thing on DVD can easily substitute for the real thing. I can see why many guys opt for the latter. Now, you will be here with me when we find out for sure. Booyah!

I ran into Pseudo-professor Robert while making one of my rare visits to the faculty computer lounge. He has really been swept into the technological trap. Not only did he buy a new Sony VAIO notebook computer and an iPaq handheld, he also has cable modem service now. Why doesn't he just order a few Brianna Banks DVDs? It would be more cost effective. He expressed some displeasure with a few setup difficulties involving the cable modem and his PC-Card NIC. It turns out that Windows was a major part of the problem. He should have bought an Apple. I have two USB, one FireWire, and a network port built into the iBook.

I received a sympathy card from Kevin (in LA) and his wife yesterday. I also checked the defunct LoserNet e-mail accounts and also saw a few notes of condolence. I' d like to thank the virtual homeys who have written. Hard as it may be to believe, it is still a trying time for the ol' lavahead. A day does not pass in which I do not take take a brief moment to reflect upon these recent events. One may be hard-pressed to believe that, what with the apparent debauchery of ordering Brianna Banks DVDs and all. You see, that's what makes LoserNet unique. We are not catering to winners who have got it goin' on. This is the plight of the everyday loser. The wage slave lost in obscurity. It's a battle to survive and maintain some semblance of self-respect. No Big Money Grip here. We're just squirrels trying to get a few nuts. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Saturday July 14

Only a few days to go before Brianna arrives. Let's see if I turn into a chicken chokin' maniac or not. According to various studies, hurdy-gurdy addiction can cause serious problems that could affect work, social life, and so forth. Sheesh! Most of the day was spent catching up on work for my math class. I managed to lapse into a coma several times as well. My bro came by at about 6pm to wash his truck. He went to the clinic this morning for abdominal pains, and he is now going through a variety of tests. Strange things. That didn't deter him from buying a 12-pack of St. Pauli Girl brewskis. I drank three bottles and he consumed the rest. We sat around and talked about every subject under the sun. I suppose that we are trying to make up the lost time during the family feud.

I've come to understand my bro's financial situation, given the limited information he has disclosed. I do not think that he is doing very well. In fact, I seriously doubt that he has much in savings, although he is attempting to save for his son. I'm a little worried about my bro's situation, but I am not in any better position. Our respective philosophies about money and spending are diametrically opposed. Once again, in discussing my need to divest unnecessary crap, my bro told me, "Just enjoy the stuff you have. You already bought it. When it breaks, just throw it away." My rebuttal was that I had bought these foolish gadgets out of an artificial need (created by by the moneychangers) and I should get at least some kind of salvage value. One man's trash may be another man's treasure. My bro pointed out that he is a cautious purchaser. He provided anecdotal evidence that he spends a considerable amount of time in weighing the need for any of his purchases. Sometimes he spends several hours in a store, particularly the tool department, just to make absolutely sure that he really needs to buy whatever he is looking at. In my own experience, any prolonged contemplation only further increases the chance of purchase regardless of whether the item in question is necessary or not. As far as I'm concerned, only my iBook and hurdy-gurdy library are necessary. Everything else can go.

To be continued ... Go to V11
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