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2001: The Viagra Years

Sunday July 15, 2001

The young ho' and her BoyToys were making hella noise at 3:30 this morning. I suspect that the fun and games were deliberate, but I'm not sure who this display of stupidity was intended for. I should have called the cops, but I refrained from doing so. So, I was extremely groggy for most of the day. Moms has been attending a religious convention for the past three days, including today. Last night, my bro pointed out that the ugly ho's Ford Explorer has a flat tire. I wonder how long it will stay that way. Will lolo fix it?

My fragile mental state is still cause for concern. I'm not even certain if I am at the brink of insanity. Frankly, I don't feel anything. I am numb. Could it be because I have become a recluse? I have not gone anywhere for over a year. I don't have friends to socialize with. Now, I even go out of my way to avoid the few acquaintances that I have left. I've divested everything. The few possession remaining are boxed up and stored. Only my beloved iBook is used on a daily basis. I'd like to take a trip to the mainland, but I think that I've worn out my welcome there. Yes, it is safe to say that I am disillusioned and disappointed with my life, although I knew that I would end up in this exact situation. I really do feel that I'm caught up in a society that makes no sense to me. Its values are diametrically opposed to mine, and there is no refuge anywhere. I am a fugitive with nowhere to run. If I would just give in and conform, then I would suffer less grief. I would be a part of the "system." Money, possessions, and babes would follow. It would be an endless cycle. A drunken, heathen orgy of lust. The "system" is the ultimate Roach Motel. You can check in, but you can never check out. There appears to be a sense of order to the "system" although, on face value, it looks chaotic. This order also suggests that something controls it. A sinister force, as it were.

I don't look forward to returning to the salt mines. I'm actually beginning to see why I am disillusioned. The repetitiveness of my daily events is reminiscent of the ordeal Bill Murray went through in Groundhog's Day. It's the same thing over and over again. Most people are willing to put up with that crap, given more financial compensation. The ends justify the means, they say, as they amass more possessions. They are like children suffering from short attention spans. The toys placate them. I can't buy into this thinking, which makes me the odd man out. Take a look at my bro and his family. They are caught up in the "system." My bro seems to enjoy his station in life. He's happy being a family man and an active consumer. He doesn't mind living near the fault line of economic disaster. It's just another day in the neighborhood. Would you be my ... would you be my ... neighbor. Sheesh! Where's Mr. Rogers when I need him?

I guess that I should be content to fill my idle time with iBook foolishness. I cannot believe how much anxiety OS X has created for me. I feel as though I am behind the times by not installing it right now. That's the sheer power of the moneychangers' persuasiveness. All of this shall past once my Brianna Banks hurdy-gurdy DVDs arrives. There is no DVD player in OS X, so the whole argument will be moot very soon.

Monday July 16

There is little to discuss when one spends a day in the salt mines. The noise, the stench of cigarette smoke, exhaust fumes, and the myriad morons prevent any chance for peace of mind. This is the rat race. The plight of the urban worker. I constantly tell myself that I will be leaving this cesspool soon. Who am I kidding? I am stuck in a rut. There is no alternative. So, what do I do? I suppose that I must bite the bullet and accept the facts. The mental mind games that I'm playing with myself are doing absolutely no good. I must focus on the positive aspects of my goals. I'll be the first to admit how difficult it is to do so especially when my paltry investments are being depleted by a souring economy.

Lately, I've been bothered by more pressing matters. I'm concerned about moms. I've been thinking about the not-so-distant future. I'm not exactly sure what I am going to do when moms is gone. That is my greatest fear right now. I spend much of my idle moments reflecting upon my childhood. All kinds of memories have been coming back to me. I really am happy to be at home. I can never really express how happy I am to have returned to Hawai'i. All of the other crap I must tolerate is really moot in comparison to my real reason for being here. I can't help but wonder about my disposition once my purpose has been fulfilled. Will I be overcome by loneliness and fall into a downward spiral of depression? I have no family of my own. All I will have is my Brianna Banks hurdy-gurdy DVD library. I doubt that it will carry me very far. Sometimes I feel as though I should resign from my position as a monk and actively look for a babe. At other times, I wonder how I could entertain such a foolish thought. Loneliness is really just a perception, but that perception can drive one to do unthinkable deeds. I just hope that I can muster up the strength to continue on and not give in to the weaknesses of the flesh. I am certain that I will be able to survive on my own just fine. If I had some property in an isolated area, then I'd feel more secure. Right now, I have nothing. I don't want to end up in a Roach Motel with losers living all around me. I could easily become a homicidal maniac.

That's probably why I don't mind staying at home all the time. Three years ago, I made the foolish mistake of flying to the mainland during every holiday and vacation. I was feeling nervous, all because of the shenanigans of the damned handmaiden. For now, this is where I belong. My iBook will keep me company. Maybe OS X will be finalized soon.

Tuesday July 17

I feel as though I have been mummified. I am a walking zombie. I just go through the motions of basic existence. My mind has been preoccupied with the same internal debate that has been going on ad infinitum. These are the Dog Days of Summer. I am not going to launch into a philosophical tirade today. After all, I've been rehashing the same points now for as long as I can remember.

I am now actively questioning my need for a computer. Sure, I'm enjoying the ownership of my new iBook. However, aside from composing the journal, the iBook will only be an expensive DVD player for my Brianna Banks hurdy-gurdy library. Speaking of which, the DVDs should be arriving any day now. I wonder if I should record the moment for the LavaheadCam. Some may wonder about how the ol' lavahead could have stooped so low as to give in to this form of debauchery. After all, he claims to be a monk. What kind of monk would be ordering Brianna Banks DVDs? Well, it seems that almost everyone orders hurdy-gurdies, given the astounding volume of business this particular genre generates. I would not be surprised if the majority of the purchasers are the typical fire-and-brimstone religious zealots. As a man of the cloth, I am honest with myself as well as with others. I have nothing to hide. This journal stands as living testimony. As you recall, I have even permanently opened up the [UJ] archives. Well, I'm going to call it a day while I'm ahead. Otherwise, I may slide into soothsayer mode. Let's hope that my Brianna Banks DVDs arrive tomorrow so that we will have much more excitement than usual. Sheesh!

Wednesday July 18

The plainly wrapped box added to the ambiance of debauchery. I perused the small parcel in anticipation of the ceremony to follow. Brianna has arrived. I carefully opened the box with the same care I exercise in opening a can of Bush's baked beans. I pulled the flap open. Inside the box were several shrink-wrapped plastic cases. I removed each one and perused the covers. Brianna Banks graced each of the color glossies. My hands were trembling now, as I removed the shrink warp. I carefully placed each precious DVD in the sleeves of my DVD library case. I set up the iBook for the encore showing. The first DVD couldn't load quick enough.

I scanned through most of the contents of each, but I watched all of Brianna's performances in their entirety. What an amazing babe! I'm glad that I am a monk and that I do not have any babes. None would compare to Brianna Banks. I am totally amazed at what she does and how well she does it. I was about ready to break into a marathon chicken chokin' session, but I realized that I would only give in to a level of debauchery of which I would not have any justification. I was very dizzy after watching each of the torrid scenes. I must obtain all of Brianna's work, I vowed to myself. There is no other babe who could hold a candle to Brianna. I am now even more firmly committed to the monk lifestyle. After all, I am a loser. I cannot have a babe like Brianna. However, knowing that, I have realized that I am not missing out on much. There is only one Brianna Banks. There are millions of losers.

The Macworld Expo has commenced, and I've heard that a working version of OS X will be available in September. I believe that I will make the switch then, although I am happy with the iBook now. There will be a better DVD player in OS X, so that may be the deciding factor. After all, how else am I going to peruse my new hurdy-gurdy library? I will spend most of the week in awe of Brianna and her special talents. I don't know if I'll ever be the same again. Sheesh!

Thursday July 19

One of the Brianna Banks DVDs was defective. There appears to be a large scratch on the surface of the disk. I believed that the disk lodged loose from the spindle in its case while in transit. There are certain sections that the DVD player will just freeze mid-frame. I will try to get the DVD replaced. This is not just any DVD. It is a Brianna Banks DVD. Part of the problem may be because the iBook DVD player is completely software driven. Disk errors cause significant problems.

In my time, I have observed that most babes act as if they look like Brianna Banks. Sure, many guys act like they are real studs as well. This is the kind of society we live in today. Cheap, pathetic, vain, and banal. My Brianna Banks DVD library is now priceless because it has made me realize that I don't have to tolerate the crap that most babes dish out. If they looked and performed like Brianna Banks, then I would easily tolerate any crap. I find it laughable that so many people have become bigger than life in their own eyes. Yet, they are merely plain mortals who have little going for themselves. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a real loser by the world's standards. I am the low man on the totem pole. Rather than become a desperate fool, I have decided that it is best to leave it all behind. I'll let all of these fools continue to live in a dream world where they are the stars of their own show. I see how they all look down at the ol' lavahead like he is some kind of scum. I'm not spending any dough to pull off a fabulous Dog and Pony Show. I am quietly saving to gain my independence. I have nothing to prove to anyone. I certainly am not going to spend a lot of dough to attract attention from any of those slimeball babes. Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaaa! I should be bitter but I'm not. A life of misery and despair just to do da wild thing every now and then is just not worth the sacrifice.

There really is no society. We are just a collective of maggots. Greedy, self-serving, covetous, conceited, and overbearing maggots. As I walk about town, or as I stand at the bus stop, I observe the maggot collective. We are a society that has lost its sense of love and community. We have forsaken the human spirit and replaced it with conceit. No one gives a damn about anything or anyone unless there is some kind of personal gain. My daily interactions with students really drives this point home. Sometimes, I just want to line everyone up and punch them all out. However, that's not my call in life. I'm a peace loving monk. I'm a man of the cloth.

I don't know how I launched into a tirade about morons. I intended to delineate further on the fine qualities possessed by Brianna Banks. Only Brianna has restored my faith in humanity. She is a goddess. I feel the power of redemption. Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaa!

Friday July 20

I am so happy to have left the salt mines for the weekend. Each day is growing less tolerable. I have no idea why, except that my values have shifted so far into the utilitarian mode that I can see nothing else but vanity on the horizon. I am almost firmly convinced that the only true necessity is a toothbrush. I have also realized that materialism must be completely nipped in the bud. Otherwise, it will return with a vengeance. In about two weeks, I'll be trading my CD library at Jelly's for pennies on a dollar. I was tempted to keep two or three of the lot. Why? I'll only end up adding to the collection again. The only library that I plan to expand is my Brianna Banks DVD library. By the way, my defective Brianna Banks DVD will be in the mail tomorrow. A replacement will be on its way shortly.

I am really beginning to look forward to switching to OS X in a couple of months. Naturally, I'll have to purchase more memory, even though the iBook already has 128MB of RAM as it is. I am glad that I switched to an Apple computer. However, I am not joining any of the warring factions. I do not care for Windows anymore, but I am not on any kind of vendetta. I was just sick and tired of seeing the likes of the "blue screen of dung." I am never going to buy any software, so most of the Mac versus Windows issues are moot. Who knows? I may just stay on with OS 9.1 forever.

I was very depressed when I received my updated loan information. So far, I've only paid off $6,000 in the last three years. The interest rates have gone down but most of my individual loans are at fixed interest rates. A year ago, that was great. Right now, they are over 1.5 percent higher than average. As is always proven, I can never win. The odds are stacked against me. At the extremely slow rate that I'm paying down my loans, I cannot expect to retire for another twenty years. These loans were secured so I could live the pathetic lifestyle described in the legacy journal. That's why I am broke and in debt. No one knows better than I what the true meaning of the word "stupidity" is. Well, at least I'll be getting my big $300 tax rebate thanks to Shrub. I can afford a few more Brianna Banks DVDs. Wheeee!

Saturday July 21

I mailed off the defective Brianna Banks DVD. I was already thinking about ordering more hurdy-gurdy DVDs, but I decided against it. My psyche is already is a state of disarray after viewing the DVDs that I just received. Brianna Banks is a goddess of unbelievable proportions. If I had a babe like her, I would be doin' da wild thing all day and all night. Fortunately, I am a monk.

My bro came by this morning. We settled the account that pops had left by splitting it in half. That pretty much takes care of all of the loose ends. My bro bought the utility toolbox for his truck. I spent the rest of the afternoon helping him install it. Then, we spent a few hours talking about the usual nonsense over a 12-pack of Steinlager brewskis and some Ahi Poke. I only consumed two brewskis myself. My bro has been having a tough time with his job. Since he is in his last few months of apprenticeship, he is being tested through some kind of rites of passage. I'm not sure how he tolerates that crap, except that he has no other choice if he wants to work. I am fortunate, in that I do not have to put up with that kind of nonsense. I also do not need to make a large investment in tools of the trade. However, I am about as disenchanted as my bro. My reasons are clear. I have no material goal to pursue. I am working for the sake of working, and I am saving up for some nebulous concept known as "retirement." My only real consumables are my hurdy-gurdy DVDs.

The small amount which pops had put in a saving account and an annuity has now put me about a month ahead of schedule insofar as my savings goals. Mind you, I am still broke and in debt. I will be drawing on the annuity for the next five years, so I will gain about five more months of time. I am very thankful. I oftentimes wonder how so many people are upset by small inheritances. What I received would be considered chump change. Yet, I am grateful to have received anything at all. As I continue to make cuts in my consumption, I have realized that I am far better off than I thought. My finances are manageable. Although I am a recluse, I am not missing out on anything. My bro had brought up that point yesterday. I defended my position because I once thought that I was missing out on a lot. In the end, I spent a lot of time and dough in pursuit of an elusive concept. I was left more disillusioned than ever. The monk ways, the Bush's baked beans, the cans of tuna, have brought me full circle to the beginning. There really is something more to our lives than meets the eye. We have added layers of subterfuge to obscure it from view. This is where I am heading, Brianna Banks DVDs in hand. In all seriousness, I think that I am coming close to the uncovering the lost secret.

Sunday July 22

My doctor called today to let me know that the results of the ultrasound imaging were okay. Nothing out of the ordinary. However, I will be continuing with at least two more tests. I am not exactly excited by this news. Better safe than sorry. My bro stopped by again this afternoon. He wanted to make a few revisions to the toolbox, so I helped him out. I did manage to get some work done today prior to my bro's visit. I also spent most of the day perusing a catalog of Apple computers, software, and peripherals. It's easy to see why people get caught up in the accessorizing game.

I'm not sure why I've been thinking about babes lately. Could it be because of my Brianna Banks DVD library? I really should be thinking about whether I will eventually buy a Titanium PowerBook G4. Or, whether I will switch to OS X in two months. I suppose that I always manage to think about nonsense like that just before my return to the salt mines. The weekends are never long enough.

I have got to get my act together. I know that I don't lead as pathetic a life as I want to believe. I make enough dough to survive and pay off my obligations. I only work part time but I still have full medical benefits. I have spare time to go to the gym and runs errands during the day. And, since my spending is under control, I actually can say that I am doing well for myself. My work can be demanding, but I don't have some clown breathing down the back of my neck. I run my own show. Not to mention, I probably have the largest Brianna Banks DVD library out of all of the male pseudo-professors. Man, have I got it goin' on!

I have got to take my work more seriously. If not, I may find myself at Taco Bell, making bean burritos rather than ordering them. I have got to work for at least three more years, so I should make life a little easier by accepting my situation. I will not need to purchase another computer for at least that amount of time, so I should not have any trouble meeting my savings goal. I can, of course, revise my plans at any time. That could happen, especially if I ended up with a babe like Brianna Banks. Baha! Ha Ha! Haaaa! The chance of that happening is between extremely slim and none. I am going to remain a monk for the long haul whether I like it or not. I understand what "reality check" means, unlike many other delusional fools who are still waiting for their ships to come in. How is the damned ship going to come in when there is no port? Enough said. A loser must accept his lot in life. The Master even told me as much. How could I ever have been so foolish as to deny the words of The Master? That is why he is The Master. Sheesh!

Monday July 23

Back to the salt mines. This was an extremely lousy day. I ran into Pseudo-professor Ralph. Once again, he wants me to fill in for him during his Friday evening class. I have no idea why I always do favors for these people. That's probably why they keep asking me. I was in a bad way after that. When I returned home, I received mail from that crappy investment firm, American Century. I've been with them for a long time, and my life savings and IRA are with this particular firm. The letter threatened to close one of my mutual funds because the balance had fallen below the minimum. The reason it fell below the minimum is because the fund itself lost money, of which $2,000 was mine. So, by closing the account, I will endorse the loss of that money. I suppose that I could write it off when I file my taxes. I am actually considering closing all of my accounts there and rolling the IRA over into an account at my local savings and loan. This is the way the moneychangers treat the peons. If I had a few million dollars invested, then things would be different. The damned dickheads would be calling me up to kiss my ass.

If I had known that I would have lost so much dough in the last six months, then I would have just gone out and spent it all. I would have bought the Titanium PowerBook G4 and been done with it. I am constantly pinching pennies only to have these asswipes lose my dough for me. Yet, you can imagine what kinds of salaries these dickheads bring in. Frankly, I have no idea why the masses just accept this kind of mediocrity. Scraping by on peon wages is insulting enough. The masses are definitely controlled by the moneychangers. The latter know they can get away with murder. They flaunt their wealth in front of us, and we adore them. We worship these [rectums] even when they have robbed us blind. That is what would I call ultimate control.

My losses are minimal. It's worthless money anyway. The only power in money is its ability to purchase something. It is totally useless when saved. In fact, it may just end up being devalued completely or just depleted to nothing. I am beginning to see that I should spend every dime on anything I want. At least I will have something to show for myself rather than a worthless piece of paper. The poor and destitute have no avenue of redemption. We are the sacrificial anodes of society. The sheer number of losers are the main reason that the bourgeoisie exists. Yet, no one seems to care. Perhaps, as a monk, I have my head buried in the sand (or maybe up my ass). I'll be reviewing my situation, and then I'll take appropriate measures to correct it.

I can hardly wait now for the working revision of OS X. With my newfound understanding of life, I have decided to switch. I'll have to buy more RAM but that's what the moneychangers want. The joke is not only on me but also upon those [rectums] as well. I won't be buying any software or any peripherals. I'll be using all of the free services to a maximum. I will exploit the exploiters. Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaaa! Can I get a witness? Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaa!

Tuesday July 24

Here's an excerpt from the annoying American Century letter (italics mine):

Dear Investor,

Regular investing is perhaps your best opportunity to put your financial goals within reach. And you'll find over the long term, regular investing may have a positive impact on your investment goals. That's why we're contacting you now.

Recently your account balance fell below its fund minimum. We are writing to encourage you to continue investing for your goals by bringing your account balance above the fund minimum.

Translation: Send us more money so we can lose more than the $2,000 we already lost for you. If you don't send us money, we'll be forced to close your account, and turn your current paper loss into a real loss. Either way, we win. You lose.

Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if the dickheads at most mutual funds just pocket the money. These funds are all large enough such that the managers know when downward trends are likely to occur. They sell off high, pocket the profits, and adjust the net asset value in accordance with the one of the stock indexes. Then, they try to pull this "fund minimum" nonsense to close the account, post the alleged loss, and end the paper trail. It's a perfect crime. It's only our own personal greed that keeps us tethered to these crooks. We tolerate this crap for fractional percentage point gains. Chump change. As I read the letter again, I see that the greeting really reads "Dear Moron."

I read another interesting article in Salon yesterday concerning the record (CD) industry. I am now further convinced that I will never buy another music CD again. Neither will I buy any mainstream DVD. Only hurdy-gurdy DVDs offer the most value, especially if it is a Brianna Banks DVD. Clearly, the moneychangers know that we are all morons and they are right. First, they charge us an exorbitant amount of dough for that mediocre [dung] that passes as entertainment. Then, they use a good chunk of that dough to persuade us through advertising to buy more of that crap. The sad part is that the ploy is working.

That's the same problem with Windows. I'm not going to claim that Apple is nothing like Microscum. I just cannot understand the blind loyalty to a clearly pathetic product. The mediocrity is really a variation on the planned obsolescence theme. Blind faith yields a cash cow, but only if the masses can be persuaded to follow like sheep. The best marketing ploy is fear. Fear of being left out. Odd man out. Conformity is easier to promote under the guise of individuality. That is how everything is marketed these days. Yet, unbeknownst to anyone, all of the fools look and act exactly alike. Clones. Sheep. Night of the living dead. It's all the same.

I did a little research and discovered that OS X looks a lot like the NeXTStep operating system. In fact, Windows is based on NeXTStep technology. That is why I came to the conclusion that OS X was looking more like Windows. I was entirely wrong about which system was the original. I've decided to shop around for more memory. I have to prepare for my switch to OS X.

Wednesday July 25

Last night, as moms and I were eating dinner, we heard something ricochet through the den. I looked around, only to find a lot of glass fragments and a hole in one of the glass louvers. I knew that the neighbor (not lolo) adjacent to the den addition of moms' house was the perpetrator. I immediately went outside. The neighbor was sitting innocently in one of his resin chairs. "Someone shot our window," I said. He stood up. With a dumb smirk on his face, he said, "I'm sorry. I was shooting at the ground." He offered to fix the louver. I left it at that. However, I pondered this situation further. This morning, I checked the puncture in the screen and lined it up with the hole in the glass. The trajectory was straight and lined up with his hedge. I surmise that he was aiming for a bird that was sitting on the hedge. If he had shot at the ground and the pellet had ricocheted upward, then the trajectory would have been at an angle. The jackass lied to me. What's even worse is that he tried to act like nothing happened when I first stepped outside. He had ditched the gun and was sitting in the resin chair. I'm not sure if he even realized that moms or I could have been standing behind the hedge doing something inane like watering the yard. He would have taken us out with that piece of [dung].

Perhaps it's my fault because I was too oblivious when I had first noticed him using a CO2 pellet gun to shoot the birds that frequented his yard. I should have been more aware that the brain donor would end up doing something asinine. I was even more perturbed that a 65-year-old putz would lie to me as if I was too stupid to even see through the ridiculous fabrication. So, I walked down to the Chinatown police substation and filed an incident report (HPD 01-284-951) this afternoon. I could have had the moron arrested for second degree reckless endangering. This is the kind of crap that is driving me berserk. I may end up committing a violent, heinous act because of these idiots.

Yes, everything would have been fine if not for the chicanery and the lying. As anyone can easily ascertain, there is no justifiable reason for me to believe in humanity or to trust anyone. My day-to-day dealings with people preclude any chance for redemption. Society is just one big cesspool. The turds are slowly dissolving into an amorphous sludge. The methane is building up. It will take only a small spark to blow the whole mess to oblivion. Not a minute too soon, I'd say.

Thursday July 26

I made an appointment for the next test, a Barium Enema, as it is called. It will be an ordeal, as I have to starve myself for one day and I must take a laxative to clear my gut. I am going through a lot of crap to find out if anything is wrong. All in all, this is worth my time because I do not want to end up like pops. I have not been very happy about this whole situation. Of course, I have been reckless concerning my health for almost my entire life. I would not be surprised if a lot of my ailments are related in some way to my many years of fire water consumption.

I'm wondering if it is time for me to order more Brianna Banks hurdy-gurdy DVDs. I have also noticed that there are quite a few awesome hurdy-gurdy babes. I think that my hurdy-gurdy library will end up being huge. What else is worth collecting? Sheesh! I have one more day in the salt mines before the weekend. Tomorrow will be an extremely long day because I must fill in for Pseudo-professor Ralph. I've also discovered that the new gym is finally open in Hawai'i Kai. It will come in handy soon.

I have avoided any contact with Pistol Putz, the moron who shot the window. I have vowed to avoid all of these idiots in da 'hood. None of them can be trusted. I need a "nine." I have less and less inclination to interact with people as the days go on. I have not interacted with anyone who is honest or displays signs of integrity. And, I am forced to deal with hundreds of people on a daily basis. What does that say about humanity? I fully expect to one day disappear into the wilderness with my iBook and my hurdy-gurdy library.

Friday July 27

The day wasn't as bad as I expected. My teaching assistants facilitated my morning classes at the Asylum. Then, I finished my final lecture for my math class at the university. I filled in for Pseudo-professor Ralph. Only half of his students showed up, so I was finished shortly after 6pm. I caught a regular bus home. I actually do not mind the ride on the regular bus. The passengers are entirely different from those on the express bus. I feel more at home with the derelicts and peons who ride the regular bus.

From the window of the bus, Honolulu looks like a city in a third-world nation. It's hard to describe. Most of the city is pretty run down. Some of the buildings have been around for as long as I can remember. People are always meandering about, no matter if it's in Mo'ilili or in Kaimuki. The dress is casual but, to the onlooker, most people probably look like third-world peasants. In a way, it's also a time slice from the days of my youth. I can see why there are many aspect of the local culture that has not changed.

I think about too many foolish things each day. I suppose that it keeps my mind off of the Barium Enema experience which I will be doing in three weeks. I did a Net search on the topic. Reading about the procedure almost made me sick. I'm not surprised that no one really cares about all of that. Just like no one really cared about what happened to pops. I suppose that I don't really care about what happens to other people as well. This is truly an uncaring world. Most of us are just numb. Nothing really affects us because there is too much grief to contend with. It's better to ignore all that noise. Ignorance is bliss.

Despair is everywhere, but it is taboo to discuss it. One is labeled a pessimist. The popular solution is to turn life in a live sitcom. Feigned humor. Feigned happiness. All of it is superficial. The real problem is that we have lost our sense of compassion. We have lost our ability to express empathy. I'm not talking about "misery loves company." Stupid jokes and big, fakes smiles do not appease the soul. Warmth, compassion, and empathy are not depressing. These qualities synergistically create a spiritual bonding of souls. This brings on a kind of happiness that is sorely lacking from our lives. Romance and da wild thing won't bring happiness. I already know that for a fact. Real love has nothing to do with romance. It has to do with the boundless interaction of souls. Caring, giving, and receiving regardless of who the person is. Our souls crave this kind of interaction but we are denied at every turn. We are operant conditioned to become predators. This is where we're at. I have become one of the predators. Yet, I am a monk. I am in eternal conflict with my soul because I have betrayed it. I still do not give in because I do not want to go down with the other turds when the plunger is pulled.

In my heart, I want to a good monk. I want to be empathic and compassionate. I want to be gentle, not ferocious. I would like to have a warm heart and a kind soul. I want to think clean thoughts, devoid of debauchery. I want to speak soothing words without need for profanity. I want to show that I love all people even though they are stupid, ignorant, and belligerent. I want to be humble, though I will be stepped upon. I want to be able to turn the other cheek, rather than reaching for the "nine." This is what I've always desired but have never attained. I am weak. Spiritually weak. It is my duty to be that kind of person, as it is the responsibility of every individual. It is within our control to accomplish this change, yet few ever do. What a different kind of world we would live in, if only we would all change. We all say that we have love, but we mean that we love ourselves. Self-serving, mealy-mouthed fools. We have become too wise in our own eyes. Like a bull charging to the slaughter, we hurl ourselves into anarchy. I pray that I will make the change, not for my own sake, but also for the sake of humanity.

Saturday July 28

I read an article about the strange monasteries sitting atop towering rock pillars in the area called the Meteora of Greece. Even in the days of old, people have sought refuge from the madness of society. I also read that a few of the monasteries are abandoned. Can I move in and start up a new order of monks? Wouldn't that be great? Well, that's probably not going to happen anytime soon. So, let's get back to reality now, shall we?

I spent most of the day lapsing in and out of a coma either in my favorite chair or my beloved resin chair. My bro came by to vacuum his truck. He then decided to wash and wax it as well. He didn't stay very long because he had his son with him. So, we did not get to talk story over a few brewskis. I haven't really been in a talking mood anyway. I'm glad to be away from the salt mines, but this weekend has not been relaxing to me. I feel as though I'm going insane. Intrusive thoughts are filling the cavernous reaches of the oversized cranium. I may have to spend the evening on the Net, specifically looking at all of the new hurdy-gurdy DVDs that are available for ordering.

I am also ready to order more memory for my beloved iBook. The prices are really good right now. I am vacillating on the matter of OS X. I will definitely order the final version when it is available, but I have no idea why I need to go through the trouble of upgrading. Everything works fine now. All I really need is the DVD player for my hurdy-gurdy library. Isn't this a great life? I look back at all of the years that I've wasted. The journal only includes a small sample of my extremely long hiatus from the real responsibilities of life. I deserve to suffer through the Barium Enema, given my history of foolishness.

Sunday July 29

Welcome to Chump Change City! I have lost interest in my hurdy-gurdy library. It, too, is vanity. And, I have yet to turn into a chicken chokin' maniac. The weekly ads in the Sunday edition of the newspaper are also boring. The same old useless junk is being offered at CompUSA and Circuit City. Where the hell can I find any real meaning to life? Sheesh! I dread my return to the salt mines tomorrow. It's not a matter of laziness. The real issue is that the educational system is a total joke. On the average there is only one real student per 15 people enrolled. I have no idea why the other 14 are even enrolled. What's even worse is the latter have absolutely no respect for authority. Their only purpose is to fabricate rote excuses about why they can never get anything done. They spend an inordinate amount of time negotiating for points. Then, there is the constant complaining about tuition costs, the rationale being that they (read: their parents) have spent so much dough on their education, and they are getting absolutely nothing in return. This is a guilt ploy to make the faculty feel responsible. If they wanted to save money, then why did they enroll in classes?

Since we are talking about the majority (95 percent and above) of students, we can then easily discern why society has gone to hell in a handbasket. And, don't expect anything to improve. We are going see a new paradigm emerge, one that is not healthy for any society. In generations prior, stupidity often yielded to maturity. This was a natural force. However, maturity is now a non-issue. Almost every media genre is denigrating maturity. Immaturity is an esteemed character trait and is equated with eternal youth and freedom. Movies, music, and the tube promote this self-serving narcissism. That's because narcissism sells.

"For if anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he is deceiving his own mind." Those words were scribed many millennia ago in a letter to the Galatians. No matter what anyone believes, we are rapidly degenerating as a society and as a species. Even if the Apocalypse never happens, we as humans will create our own apocalyptic demise. When the mighty Roman Empire fell, it fell from within. We will not end life as we know it with a nuclear holocaust. The death of society and humanity will come from within. Each and every individual will play a role in bringing about the end. We already see it today. That crap is chronicled in the journal. We are waiting for obvious signs like mass hysteria. When the Roman Empire fell, everyone was having hella good times. General malaise always comes likes a "thief in the night."

The young ho' has been much more mobile lately. She leaves with different guys (who have cars) every night at 10:30 or so. They seldom return until 3am or 4am and make a lot of noise. I am happier with this situation than when the little strumpet loitered around the lolo's carport. I am amazed at how good these punks have it. Free room and board. Free money. Free cell phone. Free car with free insurance, free gas, and free maintenance. No obligations. No responsibility. No chores. No rules to abide by. Come and go as they please. Why wasn't I born into this kind of entitlement? I have no idea how or why anyone (read: parents) would support these pinheads. The young ho' is a drop-dead gorgeous babe. Why doesn't she follow in the footsteps of Brianna Banks and become a hurdy-gurdy star?

As you can probably tell, I haven't been feeling well in along time. I'm not sure if it is a sign that I have some kind of terminal illness, or whether I am sick and tired of the steady stream of crap including the impending permanent loss of $2,000 notwithstanding. The disillusionment has been building steadily since I made the discovery that most of life is vanity. I came to learn that our role as peons is to be eternal consumers and that we have been programmed to spend excessively using extreme forms of financing. The merchandise we buy is all crap with no clear purpose except to precariously overextend our credit. All that to say how confused I am about my own consumption patterns including the acquisition of the iBook. Sheesh! The Virtual Harem is officially gone. Its hosting site was another casualty of the technology fallout. Just a matter of time before LoserNet will lose its home as well. I'm glad that the iBook can serve as a DVD player because, once the journal disappears, I'll have no other purpose for it. Chaos. That is the kind of life most people enjoy. Ever changing. No sense of permanence. Segues and transitions like a cheesy music video. Yeah, right. Thanks, but no thanks.

I think that I'll take this time to summarize my last few years, at least financially. Just before I moved back to Hawai'i, I had made an $11,000 payment on a $46,700 loan. I also purchased my beloved Fujitsu notebook computer. I was left with approximately $5,000 in cash. In my first year in Hawai'i, I made a $9,000 loan payment while I was working as a minimum wage consultant. I still had $5,000 in cash but I also suddenly found myself unemployed. You may recall that the handmaiden was giving me grief about not spending that money on a whim. Later, I managed to work for about a month through an employment agency. I spent most of my minimum wage earnings on the Bose Acoustic Wave. That was damned stupid. When I finally started my new career as a pseudo-professor, I was $26,700 in debt with $5,000 in cash, my beloved six-four, my Bose Acoustic Wave, and my Fujitsu computer as my only assets. Here it is, three years later. I am $20,000 in debt, but I have managed to increase my aggregate savings to $51,800 (after the $3,000 loss and including my IRA loss). I also purchased my beloved iBook. I would have had about $3,500 more dough stashed away if not for the excessive fire water consumption and the many trips to the mainland two years ago. I am still far off from my goal. Yet, I've been able to meet my short-term goals while still paying off my loan, rent, bills, and everything else. Not bad for a part-time, minimum wage slave.

Monday July 30

I am looking for more ingenious ways to do less work. My teaching assistants at the Asylum have been instrumental in releasing me from most of my duties. I do not have any teaching assistants at the university, but I am working on some clever ideas to lessen my load. I'm learning this crap from the morons whom I have to deal with. I ran into Pseudo-professor Robert this afternoon. He's trying for another job, one that pays really well. He's probably going to need it, what with all the spending he's been doing. I believe that Pseudo-professor Robert also has a hurdy-gurdy DVD library. I suspected as much ever since he specifically purchased the Sony VAIO notebook with a DVD drive. What else is a DVD drive good for? He mentioned something about trading DVDs as if he knew that I had my own hurdy-gurdy library. "I'm a monk," I replied. And, there is no way I would trade my precious Brianna Banks DVDs. My replacement Brianna Banks DVD has still not arrived. Well, choke my chicken, perhaps I should order a few more titles. Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaaa!

I have actually been preoccupied with the Macworld and MacAddict forums. I've learned a lot by reading them daily. It has also made me a loyal Apple fan. I read a new review of the upcoming release of OS X and now I am sold. I'll probably make the conversion. First, I'll need to buy more memory. The iBook is the focal point of my life. Sad, isn't it? Well, the same could have been said of my Fujitsu computer.

Moms is staying overnight at my bro's place. It still bothers me when my bro imposes on moms in this manner. I'm not sure if he even realizes that moms is 78 years old. I am somewhat concerned about my bro's situation. I'm not sure whether he is just being shrewd, or that he and his family are living from paycheck to paycheck. He had eight years to get his act together when his family lived for essentially nothing in moms' house. In three years, I have managed to rise from the ashes. And, I am on schedule with my five-year plan. Perhaps it's time for me to watch one of my Brianna Banks DVDs and chill.

Tuesday July 31

Each day becomes more unnerving than the last. I decided to restore my monk haircut, but the simple event turned into a nightmare. I always go the Hair Institute of Hawai'i to get a cheap haircut along with all of the other derelicts and welfare recipients. Usually, the results are decent. Today, I was given the haircut from hell. I discovered that the whole top part of the oversized cranium was unevenly cut, and I looked like a true moron. Even after going back, the haircut still does not look right. I suppose that I will have to start spending $20 for a haircut at a salon. Only studs need to spend that kind of dough on a haircut. I'm not out to impress babes. None would be impressed anyway. My other option is to just shave my damned head already. Sheesh!

I know that I am being tested by the sinister kahuna. There is no other explanation for the needless crap that I am being put through. Why else would I need a Barium Enema? Right now, I look like an imbecile with this so-called "haircut." Is there no end to this madness? I thought that early retirement was the answer. Was I ever wrong! Even if I meet the goal of my five-year plan, what is it worth? Absolutely nothing! I am right on schedule to save $100,000 by the end of year 2003, including my IRA. I expect to have $14,000 left to pay insofar as my loans are concerned. I would still have to work almost another year to eliminate that debt outright. Then, what? $100,000 is peanuts. Chicken feed. Chump change. Frankly, I don't see any kind of retirement. I am going to be a wage slave forever. In addition, if I stop working or I work at a real peon job, then I won't have any health benefits. At my age, that would be a big mistake.

It doesn't take much to see how easy it is to paint oneself into a corner. The moneychangers have fashioned the economy to enslave the masses. The moneychangers have sold their souls to the sinister kahuna. There is no escape. You can run, but you can hide. I must either change my attitude or come up with a new plan. The sinister one will continue to taunt me because I have not given in. I have not prostrated myself and become a disciple. That's why I stand alone. That is also why I have to talk to myself through the journal. There is no one else who speaks my language.

There is going to be a lot more confusion in the journal in the months to come. Nothing makes sense. I am almost convinced that, as I come closer to my financial goals, I will be brought even closer to the brink of insanity. This is predictable, given the nature of the beast. I've said before that Pseudo-professor Robert and I have parallel lives. He is choosing a divergent path, albeit willingly. He wants money and power. He wants babes. He wants to accumulate a lot of toys. He seems more confident and, from outward appearances, somewhat happier. The sinister one will reward him as long as he pays homage to it. I can almost assure you that we will come full circle sometime in the future. Where will Pseudo-professor Robert and I be standing then? I do not plan to divert from my course. There will be trials and tribulations. But, for what purpose am I remaining steadfast?

To be continued ... Go to V.12
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