The unexciting adventures of the 41-year-old virgin continues. The plot
thickens as he loses his job, is hounded by creditors and is tempted by
the world of debauchery around him.
The 41-Year-Old Virgin At Large
Friday September 8, 1995
Rather than dispensing rubberized credit vouchers,
I was given an extension on my $30,000 debt if I took out another loan.
So, guess what happened? Well, at least I know I won't be homeless ...
yet. I hastily made reservations to go to Hawai'i. Hey! My nerves are shot!
I need a vacation. The (former) Bull wanted to go, too, so we leave tomorrow
on another adventure, this time in Hawai'i! It's a good thing I'm going
to be a monk. I won't notice any of those babes over there. I just hope
I can keep a leash on The (former) Bull. The Bishop told me that The (former)
Bull called him up at 11:30pm and woke him up to tell him that we were
going to Hawai'i. Well, all I know is that I hope I feel like coming back
here a week from now.
Saturday September 9
After a long drive to LAX and an half-hour delay,
we were finally winging our way on Hawai'ian Airlines to Honolulu at 6pm.
The plane was half empty so The (former) Bull and I sat in separate rows.
The babe flight attendant gave The (former) Bull extraordinary service.
In fact she forgot to serve me dinner. She did tell The (former) Bull that
he could have as many dinners as he wanted. During the flight yet another
babe was hitting on The (former) Bull. We arrived in Honolulu at 8pm HST,
and The (former) Bull whispered to me to give him the phone number of where
I would be staying. He said he may need a ride later. So, after the plane
landed I went to pick up my baggage. The (former) Bull stayed and talked
to the babe flight attendant and the babe passenger. I got my luggage and
picked up my rental car. I waited for The (former) Bull but he never showed
up. Maybe he will regain his title once again.
Sunday September 10
Still no word from The (former) Bull so I spent
some quality time with moms, my bro and sister-in-law, and my new nephew.
It was hot. And, it doesn't get much cooler at night either. Fortunately
moms had a large supply of guava nectar. My bro and I went to Waikiki for
a few hours to look around. There weren't as many tourists as I expected.
Of course, this is already past the Summer season. Still, it was exciting
to be in a happenin' place versus that one-horse town I live in now. As
we walked along Kalaka'ua Avenue, I knew that somewhere in one of these
penthouse suites The (former) Bull was probably partying with his babes.
Monday September 11
Moms and I went to Ala Moana Shopping Center.
We got there early so it wasn't too crowded but within an hour there were
people everywhere. It was about as bad out on the roads, too. Traffic was
terrible everywhere, and that cryptic H-1 freeway didn't help. I tried
to find the new Computer City store that opened near Pearl City using a
map that was in the ad. After two hours of traversing back and forth after
missing the exits several times, I finally stopped and asked someone. It
was then that I realized I was nowhere near the store. It was in Waikele,
about ten minutes away! The stupid map in the ad was wrong. It was now
about 5pm, so I aborted the mission for today. The (former) Bull must be
having a great time as I still had not heard from him. As for me, I spent
a quiet evening talking with moms.
Tuesday September 12
The heat is definitely starting to get to me.
It is only about ninety degrees but add that high humidity and you can
understand why my brain was cooking. I went to the University of Hawai'i
to check out the situation. It is an old campus, but there are a lot of
people who go there. There were a lot of babes there, too. This is not
the kind of place a 41-year-old virgin should find himself. Fortunately,
I was outta there quickly. I drove to Waikele and found Computer City.
Isn't it amazing that I am in beautiful Hawai'i and I am still thinking
Wednesday September 13
My bro and I had a little excitement today when
we went over to pick up my nephew from the baby-sitters. We were standing
in the living room when all of a sudden I heard two cars collide. I looked
out the window and saw the car that was hit swing around and careen into
the side of the house we were in. I ran outside and went up to the car.
There was another person there on the driver's side. I was on the passenger
side and I smelled gas so I yelled over to the other guy to reach over
to shut off the engine. I looked over at the other car, and the driver
was standing and appeared to be okay. The two passengers in the car I was
standing next to were not doing as well. The woman was conscious but in
some pain. The driver was semi-conscious and moaning. I moved over to the
driver's side and tried to release his shoulder harness as it was wrapped
tightly around him. Apparently it locked up in the impact. His seat was
broken so I yelled to someone to get something to prop his head up. Several
other people came up and were now assisting. The driver began convulsing.
Someone brought a knife, and I cut his seat belt to free him. There was
blood everywhere but I could not ascertain from where it came. The paramedics
finally arrived and all of us stepped aside. That's one thing about Hawai'i.
People are very neighborly and try to help. That's gradually beginning
to change unfortunately.
Thursday September 14
The (former) Bull finally called so I went to
pick him up in Waikiki. He had several packages with names like Armani
on them. Apparently the babes bought him some gifts. Moms cooked a huge
dinner for all of us. The (former) Bull must have been famished because
he cleaned out many of the entrées before everyone else was done.
This is the price we have to pay to have someone of his caliber bless us
with his presence. After dinner, The (former) Bull laid out on the couch
and the rest of us had to sit on the floor including moms. The (former)
Bull is used to much, much better accommodations and he is not shy about
letting you know that. I apologized for my inability to meet his high standards.
It would seem that he has regained his title and will be a force to reckon
with when we return home. There was a phone call for The (former) Bull
at 9:30pm. It was one of his babes. He ordered me to drop him off at some
posh manor in Blackpoint, one of the ritzy neighborhoods near Kahala. I
drove him there and he said that he'll try to meet me at the airport on
Saturday if he can. Otherwise, I should go on back to LA without him. When
I returned home, I discovered that everyone was in awe of The (former)
Bull. He has that effect on people.
Friday September 15
My last day in Hawai'i, and I am already feeling
a tinge of depression. I know that I really want to stay here. This is
my home. This is where I belong. I never truly realized how much I miss
my family. The last time I was home was five years ago. I felt the same
way then, but when I return I always get caught up in all the stupidity
and I forget about being homesick. This time it is different. I don't want
to forget the feeling I have when I am in Hawai'i. It is so different from
the empty, even lonely, feelings that I have in the place I now call home.
My bro and I went down to catch part of the Aloha Festival, but we didn't
make it in time. There were thousands of people there, though. Hawai'i
is a special place. The air seems to be perpetually tinged with the tropical
smells of plumeria and ginger. The warm days and nights and the colorful
Aloha fashions will forever fill my memories.
Saturday September 16
I drove myself to the airport and returned the
rental car. As I was walking to the gate, I heard The (former) Bull. He
was a few feet behind me with an entourage of babes. They all kissed him
good-bye. The plane was very crowded this time around. The (former) Bull
was the center of attention on the plane. I guess he has officially regained
his title. We arrived in LAX at 4pm. The drive back was long and boring.
I could barely stay awake as I only slept about an hour the night before.
We got in around 8:30pm and I felt miserable. I took a shower to try to
refresh myself. All I could think about was Hawai'i and my family. I wept
as I couldn't believe how lonely I felt. Why did I come back? I couldn't
stay in at the Roach Motel any longer so I called my homey Tom, and we
went to Starbuck's for coffee. It was little consolation. Now I am back
in the world of The Idiots Next Door, Fido, BigFoottm,
and maybe even Loser. Sheesh! Well, at least I have my six-four.
Sunday September 17
I have been thinking about packing it all up almost
all morning. The thought of being at the Roach Motel all day almost made
me sick so I called my homey Big John and we met to have coffee at Micky
Dee's. I went to the gym later in the afternoon. I thought I was going
to collapse. One week and I am already out of shape. In fact, I think I
got even more puny. I returned to the Roach Motel and opened up a can of
Bush's baked beans. I looked at the pathetic sight of this cold can of
beans and almost threw it through the window. It is a far cry from the
Lau Lau, Sashimi, Saimin, and everything else I was eating in Hawai'i.
And let me not forget the Kim Chee! I tried to listen to my K-Mart all-in-one
entertainment system. Nothing on the radio as usual. I miss I-94 (KMAI-FM)
already. But, hey! BigFoottm is home watching
the tube and it's up full blast! Speaking of losers, I happened to wonder
if Loser came back. I have to walk around the Roach Motel and see if I
can locate the empty box collection. Then, I'll know if Loser is back.
After all, we are a little late with the Welcome Back Loser Houseparty.
The Idiots Next Door have bought a new used car. Mr. Idiot must be proud.
He's been out a few times to check it out. He probably can't believe he
owns such a beautiful driving machine. Maybe he needs to pinch himself.
Mrs. Idiot better watch out. Wait till all the babes peep out Mr. Idiot
sportin' his new ride. Oh boy.
Monday September 18
I am thinking about switching over to Spam for
a while instead of Bush's baked beans. Spam is a delicacy in Hawai'i. In
fact, Liberty House has some kind of SpamFest going on right now. Spammie
and the Spammettes were on hand for the festivities on Friday when I stopped
in. When I was growing up in Hawai'i, I remember that Spam and rice was
one of my favorite dishes. Well, hey! I'm a loser! Well, with that said,
Hawai'i is now history. I am back here at the Roach Motel with all these
fools around me. I am the biggest fool of them all. I did happen to find
out that The Monastery is also in Hawai'i. The waiting list for monk residencies
is long but I have decided to apply anyway. I have to admit, a monastery
in Hawai'i sounds a little silly, doesn't it?
Tuesday September 19
The Bull was the center of attention today at the
gym. Everyone was asking him about his big trip to Hawai'i. No one even
knew that I went also. Several gym babes were coaxing The Bull to take
them along with him next time. When I got home, I opened my mail only to
discover that I have been thwarted again. My application to The Monastery
may be rejected because I have not made a solid commitment. Booyah! The
next envelope was from the loan people. They want to call the loans in
again even though I got the new loan. Booyah! There is a sinister force
toying with the mind and sanity of the oversized cranium. How is it that
The Bull has everything coming his way while I am thwarted at every turn?
It is a good thing I am not trying to find a babe. Can you imagine how
much fun the sinister force would have with me then? To top it all off,
BigFoottm is stomping around and playing
with the volume control on the tube. He turns the volume down low for a
while, then he turns it up full blast. He does this repeatedly all night
long. These losers that live here at the Roach Motel are really something.
That incredible babe was at the gym yesterday.
She came in late. I noticed her looking into the aerobics class that the
Bishop, The Bull and I were in. She stood there at the glass doors for
the longest time. It is a good thing I have finally broken out the shades.
I wonder what baby was looking at. Maybe she was checking out The Bull,
eh? Speaking of The Bull, he showed up at the gym two days in a row sportin'
his new gym duds. Is there no end to this man's greatness? The Bishop has
been showing some interest in a new babe, and he has been trying to establish
a rapport with her. She apparently keeps to herself as she does not seem
too responsive to anyone. The Bull has not even noticed her since she is
way below his standards. If I wasn't going to become a monk, I'd say she
was a real babe. I have been able to ascertain where she is looking, though.
That is the beauty of wearing the shades. I will say that she definitely
goes wild in the step class. Her moves betray her aloofness. So, where
is she looking? I'll save that for another time. All I know is that there
are some strange things going on. Am I the only one that sees these things?
Wednesday September 20
Have you ever noticed that people are always running
into you? I'm serious ... I mean, literally run into you. If two people
are walking down a hall from opposite directions, they end up doing the
two-step. Or, you can be in the middle of a large courtyard and see someone
walking from any direction, and invariably both of you end up in the same
spot somewhere along the way. What causes this to happen? Stupidity, maybe?
With all the room there is around everyone, people still end up getting
in each other's way. There is a strange attraction between humans that
seems to go down even to the cellular level. It is a biological attraction
similar to that experienced by opposing sexes. You are probably thinking
that I lost it, or I have run out of stuff to write about. Actually, it
provides an interesting insight into the difficulties of becoming a monk.
In essence, becoming a monk is unnatural. It goes against biology, and
the natural tendency toward completeness, whether social or sexual. But,
hey! I'm an eunuch so it doesn't matter! You're not going to believe this
but as I was walking out of the Roach Motel I saw a Ryder truck parked
out front. Two people were unloading the huge truck. Then, I saw "stooge"
walking with a crate up the stairs. I peeked over into the truck and guess
who was in there? It was Loser! He's almost a week late! Just when we thought
he wasn't coming back. If only he knew how many people were waiting for
his return. Sheesh! What a maroon!
Welcome Back Loser
It's Thursday September 21!
He's back! Loser, my main man, is back! Where has
he been? He's five days late. Well, hey! Loser is a man of leisure! I'm
not sure where he's living in the Roach Motel, but at least we know he's
back. By the way, I'm your host for the ...
Welcome Back Loser Houseparty!
We're live from the Roach Motel! It's about
10 o' clock Thursday morning, and I have my K-Mart all-in-one up full blast.
Junior MAFIA. is in da house! Notorious BIG is in da house! Loser is in
da house! The 41-Year-Old Virgin is in da house! So far, no one has come
by to help celebrate Loser's return. I hear Fido next door, but I think
The Idiots are gone. Let's go outside and see if Mr. Idiot's new ride is
out there. Yep! There it is! He must be in his shoebox ... who's that out
there? It's the gardener. The gardener is in da house!
Well, okay, let's move on. There is absolutely no
one here to celebrate Loser's triumphant return to his new "palace." Speaking
of his "palace," we still do not know where it is located. We'll be on
the lookout for the empty box collection under the ugly blue tarp. Let's
take a break and continue with more tunes from Junior MAFIA! Go no further,
you are here ...
Welcome Back Loser Houseparty!
Okay we're back. And, it's now about eleven. It's
going to be an all day celebration out here. Wait! Here comes someone now.
"Hello! Hello! Welcome! Are you here to welcome Loser back?"
Can you believe these idiots around here? Twenty-four-hour
quiet building, my derriere. Ptui!! Where were we? Maybe we'll see Loser
walking around. Nah! If he's got walking to do, he'll do it all in the
"palace." By the way, you're here at the ...
"No. I'm here to tell you to shut this down right now!"
"What are you talking about? What? Are you management?"
"Yes. And, you know that this is a 24-hour quiet building."
"Well, you could have fooled me. Have you told that to all of these
idiots in this dump? I didn't think so. Get outta here you stupid krunk!
Welcome Back Loser Houseparty!
Now I know that a lot of Loser's dear fans are going
to be real disappointed that his "palace" is no longer above my shoebox.
As a matter of fact, we don't really know where the "palace" is. I'll tell
you one thing, we'll be talking with Loser's new downstairs neighbor in
the near future. I can hardly wait to hear the stories. Let's take a break
now with some Chef Raekwon and maybe a little King Tee and ...
"Turn that crap down!
I'm sorry I had to cut him short, but he just wasn't
getting into the spirit of things. Hey! We'll be back with more ...
"Are you here for Loser's return?"
"You're the only loser! You dumb mother ... uuuummmph!"
"Hey, thanks for stopping by!"
Welcome Back Loser Houseparty!
It's about 12:30 now, and I'm having a little lunch
while we continue this glorious marathon celebration of the return of Loser!
For those of you out there who are wondering, I'm having, you guessed it,
a 69 cent can of Bush's baked beans. You know, that really makes me wonder.
Why aren't there any babes around here? After all, Loser is an international
celebrity now. Babes should be running amuck here at the Roach Motel just
to get a look at Loser. Whassup wi' dat? Wait, here comes a babe now.
"Hello! Hello! Are you here to celebrate Loser's return?"
Some of these babes make me wonder. Next they'll be
asking me to set them up with The Bull. Speaking of The Bull, I did not
make it to the gym until almost 8pm yesterday, and, gosh darnit, I didn't
get to see The Bull. That really is too bad, isn't it? There goes Bigfoottm!
Too late. I could have asked him if he knew that he lives in Loser's old
"palace." In a way, he's like Loser. He stomps around a lot and that thing
with the volume on the tube. Up. Down. Up. Down. What is he, a psycho?
PsychoAggie? Never a dull moment here at the Roach Motel. Looks like it's
time for another break. We'll be back with more of ...
"Beat it, creep! ... Oh, you live over there, don't you?"
"For a minute I thought you were stalking me."
"Yeah, right, okay. Nice talking to you."
Welcome Back Loser Houseparty!
You know, I should have waited until Saturday to celebrate
Loser's return. Where is everybody? Am I the only one who is unemployed?
We're probably going to shut down the party early. I thought it could continue
on through the evening and then we could take it on the road to Farmer's
Market. We tried, though, didn't we? It's about 3pm, and Loser is probably
up in the new "palace" wearing a circular trail in the carpet. Well, thanks
for joining us today. It's too bad y'all couldn't have made it here in
person for the houseparty. (applause)
Welcome Back Loser Houseparty! has been brought to you by LoserNet.
Love it or lose it. We return to regular programming.
Thursday September 21
After the pathetic Welcome Back Loser Houseparty,
I went to the gym. Within minutes, the Bishop came in and he could hardly
wait to tell me that The Bull was out on a date last night. Another gym
babe was enamored by The Bull's charisma, so what else could he do? The
Bull kissed her hand after the date, claiming that he was a man of tradition.
The Cardinal lost it and told The Bull, "That 18th century crap doesn't
work today. What are you going to do, kiss her on the forearm next?" Meanwhile,
apparently one of the gym babes was asking another gym babe about the Bishop.
These studs have all got it goin' on. It is a continual babefest for these
guys. Meanwhile, the 41-year-old virgin has to sit around and listen to
this. I am beginning to wonder if this life is for real. But, at least
I can come home to hear BigFoottm stomping
around and playing with the volume on the tube or The Idiots Next Door
having a door-slammin' soirée. Now that's reality!
Friday September 22
As you have probably noticed, the thrust of this
rhetoric has been slowly converging on babes. I have begun to realize that
I have been influenced by my environment. I have almost forgotten about
becoming a monk, much to the chagrin of the monks at The Monastery. Oddly,
I have only fallen to the wayside in my mind. It is not like I have babes
running amuck here at the Roach Motel. In fact, I am even more invisible
to the babes now that I have incorporated the use of the shades. But, I
have been able to discreetly see what is going on around me. Needless to
say, everything discussed in the Monk's Guide to
Dating has been confirmed. Further, I can now attest to the fact
that shielding one's eyes from view makes one totally invisible. Eye contact
is a primary sensory confirmation of one's existence. So, what have I seen?
I have been able to ascertain who the babes have been checking out, although
I have not shared this information with anyone. It is interesting to compare
these observations with the perceptions of the guys. This could be the
topic of an interesting study. Of course, the main thing that I confirmed
is that I am totally invisible to babes. Not one even glanced in my direction.
On a lighter note, The Cardinal mentioned that one of the new guys was
asking him why I was wearing shades in the gym. He told him that I had
just gotten out of prison, and I was trying to "adjust to the new life."
That Cardinal is a real cut-up. I think I am due for a few days of seclusion.
See y'all next week!
Monday September 25
Seclusion isn't really all it's made out to be.
Actually, it is a foot in the door to insanity, especially if one has to
sit here in an asylum like the Roach Motel. Well, what else can I do? I
have no job, no money, no personality, and no life. But seriously, folks,
things have gotten out of hand around here. And, I'm beginning to suspect
it's the babe situation. It's like when I was talking with my homey Manuel,
another 40-something type. I asked him why he wasn't going after any babes.
"I'm a hermit," he replied. So, here we are laughing while the last grains
of sand filter down the hourglass. We are literally running out of time.
Soon, we will never have to worry about the babe situation again. But,
we will have to live out quite a few years as hermits. I guess it really
doesn't hit home until it is too late. It is as if we think we are immortal.
Tuesday September 26
I have been watching the antics at the gym through
my shades and it is rather entertaining. Well, who have the babes been
checking out? The Bull and the Bishop. The one babe that the Bishop was
interested in (which one is he not interested in?) was there. She is a
true babe. I noticed that she was walking home. I thought about stopping
and giving her a ride since it was dark but I decided against it. She probably
would have thought I was a stalker. It is funny how people like me and
my homey Manuel refuse to play the game. I have always refused to play
the game, even before I decided to become a monk. It's like Manuel says,
"Why bother? They don't even know I exist anyway." Sadly, this is all too
true. Yet, now I have to wonder. I am a 41-year-old virgin. It is not a
matter of the wild thing. The issue is that I have never been with, nor
will I ever be with, a babe. I will never know that experience. When it
is put into that perspective, it becomes a very sobering thought. That's
when the pangs of despair come in. Why was I born a regular guy in a loser's
Have you noticed that the more problems you have
going on with your life, the more people stay away? I have. Oddly, I have
had to listen to other people's problems ad nauseam. Maybe that
is the reason my homey Manuel claims to be a hermit. Perhaps he has experienced
the same sort of thing. This is the main reason I did not go over to Big
Don's to watch Monday Night Football. I did stop in to see my homey Big
John. I am dismayed at how pivotal the tube is for entertaining. Everywhere
I go, people have the tube on. I am so glad that I sold my tube. I ended
up watching some movie at Big John's about a psychobabe called Beauty's
Revenge. I was a little surprised that it was even shown. Usually,
there is a proliferation of stalker movies with the guy as the nemesis.
Little wonder why babes are so afraid of guys or call all guys pigs. I
have to wonder sometimes about the overall sanity of this society.
Wednesday September 27
Well, I guess it has been a virtual babefest at
the gym. The Bull has been making significant headway with his new babe
but this has caused a bit of a problem with one of the gym staff who was
also interested in her. The Bishop has also made significant inroads with
several babes. As for the 41-year-old virgin, he remains totally invisible.
Or, so I thought. The Bull mentioned to me that several of the babes have
asked why I have been wearing the shades. This has given me reason to be
concerned because I may end up having another visit from the cops. I can
hear it now ... "Officer, he's staring at us from behind those shades.
We know that those are X-ray specs. He's a psycho!" If it's negative, then
they notice me only because they fear I am a stalker. Without the stalker
shades, I am an invisible loser. Amazing isn't it? One minute I'm there,
the next minute I'm not. It's magic! Frankly, I welcome the negativity
as a result of the shades. As my world continues to collapse, I really
want to be left alone. I don't want anyone to even talk to me. Those stupid
shades! Try it out sometime as an experiment and see what a furor dark
glasses can cause. It really is somewhat entertaining. In fact, that is
about the only thing that made me laugh in weeks.
Thursday September 28
I am beginning to sympathize more and more with
my old friend Loser. I can now see the kinds
of stupidity that can drive a man berserk. So, in the course of two weeks,
I have disassociated from everyone. I don't think I've spoken more than
two words in the last three days. Talking now seems like noise to me. There
are places that silence is revered such as in a monastery. I can at least
rationalize that this will be good practice. I only wish I was a monk already.
I can't handle it out here in the "real world." To tell you the truth,
if this is the real world, then give me the fake one.
Friday September 29
Naturally, I didn't have to disassociate from any
babes. I don't know any! Well, hey! I'm an eunuch! I ended up breaking
my silence when the Cardinal, The Bull and I went out to dinner after the
gym. The Bull mentioned that he, the Bishop and Hugo got together on Tuesday
night to watch a movie and talk about babes. I was thankful that I am not
invited to these events anymore. On a lighter note, I have found out that
the newsgroup alt.fan.conan-obrian has abstracts of selected episodes
posted. I have been able to "watch" his show now by reading those abstracts.
Now, if only there were abstracts for Baywatch.
Well, another dreaded weekend is coming up. For
a 41-year-old virgin with no life, this can be traumatic. It looks like
I may have to go into seclusion again. Back in the days of the Homer Notebook,
I noticed that we guys spent most weekends drinking with each other. The
babes, on the other hand, always had somewhere to go or something interesting
to do. Babes lead much more exciting lives than most guys. That brings
me to another point. The Bull is implicitly looking for a babe who is innocent
and demure ... a virgin. I think he will be quite surprised to see that
most babes have far more experience with the wild thing than most guys.
It doesn't seem to make sense given societal roles and prevailing myths,
or given the population for that matter. There really only is a small circle
of guys who are getting around, as it were, and this subset doesn't just
include the jerks as most people would assume. Think about it. Most guys
have only had one or two girlfriends by age 21 if even that, yet listen
to the babes and the average is usually six to eight by the same age. So,
which guys are getting around? Take the gym, for example. A couple of the
meatheads, as I have come to find out, have been through quite a few of
the gym babes. Heavy D has been through the most as far as I can tell.
So much for that old myth about women not liking muscleheads, eh? Heavy
D operates very quietly and discreetly, as do several of the other gym
studs. In fact, he was seeing that incredible gym babe not very long ago.
I wouldn't have believed it, except that I knew two of his old conquests
back in the days of the Homer Notebook.
Sunday October 1, 1995
So there I was playing games with myself and writing
the stupid Homer Notebook, and Heavy D was bumrushin' the whole situation.
Sheesh! I remember when me and my homeys, Manuel and Rick, were members
of the infamous B-Team, and we lamented about that same exact situation,
and that was ten years before the Homer Notebook era! The bottom line is
this ... don't believe the hype. If anyone tells you that the situation
is different, then that individual is probably trying to sell you some
cheesy self-esteem book with a title like Get a Life Now! All one
has to do is tune in to an episode of Melrose Place to see what's
really going on. There is a fine line between fantasy and reality. Well,
it time for me to step into my closet for a weekend of seclusion.
I had to brush my coat hangers aside, get out
of my closet, and effectively end my seclusion a little earlier than planned.
I have a lot of work to do. I went to the library to try to start on some
of this work, but I ran into my homey Big John. I sat and talked to him
for a couple of hours. Then, I realized that it was gym time. I really
didn't want to go to the gym, but if I didn't go to the gym, then I wouldn't
have anything to do. But if I went to the gym, I couldn't do anything because
I am still sore from my last workout. And, if I stayed in the library,
I wouldn't get anything done because my nerves are shot. What a life I
Monday October 2
There is nothing like starting your day with a
cup of coffee, unless you discover that your cheap French Press is broken.
The sinister force has now struck at the heart of my mendicant life. Yesterday,
I noticed that the parking lot of the Roach Motel serves as a wind tunnel.
The cheap car cover on my six-four, in combination with the wind, has been
sanding my paint down (what's left of it). Then, it took over a half-hour
for me to log on, as my access was denied. I thought that my account was
canceled. It is little wonder that my nerves are shot. Add to that the
door-slammin soirée that has been going on since seven this morning
in The Idiots' place. They have also run the garbage disposal three times
in the last twenty minutes. It must be a day off for both Mr. and Mrs.
Idiot. What better way to spend time than to stay in that little shoebox
all day and play with the Roach Motel appliances. It must be nice to be
moronic. Anything could make one happy then. The sinister force struck
again in the afternoon as I was leaving for the gym. The battery in my
six-four was just about dead. So, I ended up at Sears for an hour putting
up with some extremely rude service. Now, I have a new battery and it costs
about as much as my six-four is worth. I went to watch Monday night football
over at Big Don's place. The Bull and the Bishop were also there. After
the game, the boys hit the hot tub and I watched Timecop. It's a
good thing because they were discussing their babes again. I don't need
to worry about babes, I have the sinister force keeping me occupied.
Tuesday October 3
another morning of the door-slammin' soirée courtesy The Idiots
Next Door. That is why I try to log on around 11pm when the modem pool
is real busy. The Idiots hit the sack at nine. I have my modem up full
blast and it's really great on multiple redials. The sinister force drove
me to this. I'm not certain that I would make a good monk at this point.
All I'm good at is being a non-entity. Sometimes I wonder if the sinister
force is working against my sobriety. After all, I am coming up on one
year. It has been a very long year. Of course, that is nothing compared
to the ten years of non-stop drinking I have on my vitae. I have no clue
about why I was drinking for so long. I think it has to do with babes.
Well, what else could it be? Things fell apart ten years ago. My so-called
friend ran off with my ex-babe, who I was living with for seven years.
Naturally, I deserved it because I was out of hand at that point in time.
I could have been another OJ Simpson. Speaking of OJ, I hear Bigfoottm
stomping around. He has the tube up, so he must be anxiously awaiting the
OJ verdict. Bigfoottm is about as bad as
Loser. He just can't seem to park his ass. The problem with Bigfoottm
is that when he paces, he stomps.
Wednesday October 4
Back to my pathetic story. My "friend" and baby
flaunted their affair in front of me. Baby was a babe. After all, she was
a Playboy bunny (not centerfold) working out of the now-defunct Century
City Playboy Club. That's her in the photo. I, on the other hand, was a
loser. Baby was a real babe. Isn't it amazing that all guys can remember
after a long relationship is how much of a babe their babes were? It is
equally amazing that both men and women usually sum up a relationship as,
"Well, the sex was great..."
This just in! OJ is innocent! There is a lot of
cheering from the next building as the verdict is read. Bigfoottm
is now feverishly playing with the volume control on his tube. It is a
strange world we live in. As a future monk I must separate myself from
political and secular affairs. Thus, OJ has no significant meaning. He
is, however, a free and constitutionally innocent man. He is the icon of
90s justice. Later in the day, I told some people at the gym that I enjoyed
the verdict. "I love OJ!" I yelled. I thought I was going to get mugged.
OJ is free, and I am a prisoner of total stupidity!
As we speak, Bigfoottm is doing his thing with the volume control
again. I noticed that my $80 car cover was shredded in some spots. Apparently,
a cat had some fun and sprayed on it, too. Maybe I should put out a small
bowl of anti-freeze for him, eh? My nerves are completely shot, and I am
on the verge of total violence. The sinister force has been working very
hard indeed. What does it want from me? I have nothing. I certainly don't
have any babes. That is how sinister this force really is. It picks on
losers like me and pushes them to the edge of sanity. You would think that
the sinister force has better things to do like help out all these studs
who are skinnin' up all the babes. Bigfoottm
is now taxing the three-inch speaker in his tube. He turned it down again.
Baha! Ha! Ha! He's possessed by the sinister force! I knew it! You know,
I'm ready to crack, just like the three-inch speaker that is once again
up full blast. Awww krunk! I need to find a babe. I need a drink. I need
a smoke. There's no way I can become a monk now. Sheesh!
Thursday October 5
Eight-thirty in the morning is just too early
for an eunuch to be up, especially for a meeting. I could barely think,
but what else is new? I thought that it might have been because I didn't
have my pot of coffee yet. But, in actuality, I have been displaying symptoms
of attention deficit, inability to retain material and so forth. I'm losing
it. When I finally got home I made a pot of coffee in my broken French
Press. I put my half-and-half in as usual and took a sip. Whoa Nellie!
The creamer was spoiled. Needless to say, the coffee tasted bad. It was
the sinister force at play again, toying with the ol' eunuch! Speaking of
eunuch, I don't even know what possessed me last night to think I needed
a babe. Was it the sinister force, you think? That sinister force is something,
isn't it? It is toying with my sanity and making me think about babes so
that I will forget about becoming a monk. That's the beauty of it all,
too. That sinister force is clever. It knows that a loser like myself only
needs to be tempted by thoughts of babes, so it will never need to tempt
me with real babes. And, yes! This is the same sinister force that G. Gordon
Liddy referred to in the Watergate hearings! I'll probably put a lighter
to my arm pretty soon, too.
Friday October 6
I have been unwittingly tossed into more social
situations, much to my chagrin. Big Don, his son Michael, The Bull and
I went out to dinner after the gym. The conversation was primarily on OJ
and babes. As I drove home, some idiot ahead of me slowed down to a snail's
pace. As it were, he was straining his neck to check out two gorgeous babes
walking. The babes must have seen him because they yelled out, "Hey! Turn
around and drive!" As I mentioned before, babes do not realize the effect
they have on guys. I think the idiot that crashed into my six-four three
years ago was checking out some babes. Why else would he ram into me as
I was right in front of him? Maybe it was the sinister force. Loser was
doing his laundry tonight as I was leaving. Looks like he may be up to
his old tricks again. I wonder who his unfortunate downstairs neighbor
is. And, Bigfoottm has a babe over tonight.
She's taking a shower and he's rearranging the furniture. How many of you
think that I'll be hearing the wild thing tonight? Well, hey! At least
it's not Loser playing "fire engine." Well, so much for going into seclusion
Saturday October 7
should have gone into seclusion this weekend because my nerves are completely
shot. I was not privy to hearing the wild thing last night, thank goodness.
Perhaps that will happen tonight. Never a dull moment at the Roach Motel.
As I was sitting here at the computer typing in this diatribe, I couldn't
help but equate it with The Shining, where Jack Nicholson typed
out hundreds of pages with "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."
Isn't this just about the same thing? When I first saw that movie, it gave
me the willies. Now, it's just plain hysterical. Remember when Jack used
the ax to splinter the bathroom door? Then, he stuck his face in the hole
he just made and said, "Wendy, I'm home." What a scene! What a psycho!
Jack was possessed by the sinister force.
More To Come!
That brings me to another topic. My sources have
indicated to me that Heavy D has even had his way with that incredible
gym babe. Then, I have learned that the other babe that the Bishop was
interested in is actually seeing another of the meatheads. I had to chuckle
to myself when I realized how stupid the whole scenario was. On the one
hand, Heavy D and the meatheads are out bumrushin' the whole situation.
And, on the other hand, my homeys are still trying to figure out the logistics.
Jimbo put it well when he said, "The meatheads have already batted, and
these guys are still trying to decide which bat to use." Yeah. Wait until
they turn 41! If they are still trying to figure out which bat to use,
then all I can say is "Sheesh!" The whole situation is rather comical.
I could almost write a book about it. It is literally a babefest in this
silly little town I live in, yet if you talk to my homeys, you would think
we're at the YMCA! To be real honest, you really have to work at being
a loser around here. Me ... I am a loser so I don't have to work at it.
It just comes naturally. It's a good thing that I am going to become a
monk. Can you imagine what I have to see all the time? Can you fathom the
negligible esteem I must endure?
Continue the adventure now ... move on to more of
the unexciting month of October!
The Return of the 41-Year-Old Virgin
41-Year-Old Virgin ... Tralfaz
The Bull ... Himself
The Bishop ... Himself
The Cardinal ... Himself
And a cast of thousands.
Original Soundtrack by Foolboy-G
Presented by 41-Year-Old Virgin/Partners in association with JumpStart
© Copyright 1995 by the 41-Year-Old Virgin.
LoserNettm Love It, or Lose It.