Wednesday November 1, 1995
The minute that I walked into the gym this afternoon, the Cardinal came over and told me that the Bull has another date for Friday. Apparently, The Bull and another gym guy, Eric are going to double date. Later Eric told me the details. Eric liked one of the tellers at the credit union, so he and The Bull made plans to meet there to make some "deposits." Eric said that he saw baby watching them intently while they were outside talking. The Bull went in to take care of business. He got in her line, made one of his usual hundred thousand dollar deposits, and told baby, "My friend outside thinks you're cute. And, so do I." She blushed and giggled and told The Bull that she also has a twin sister. The rest is history. The Bishop came in to the gym a few minutes later and told me that he saw The Bull yesterday, and the first words out of his mouth were about the big double-date with those drop-dead gorgeous twins. During this time, the Cardinal came over to tell us that The Bull and Eric had left early to go to Fresh Choice for dinner to map out tomorrow night's strategy. As I am to understand from what Eric told me, they are going to take the twins out to dinner, then they are going dancing, and finally, it's back to the babes' place for some "tag team" action. You know, after relating that story, I'm beginning to see why the access counts for these pages are pathetically low! No one wants to read about a loser who eats cold cans of baked beans. People want action. They want excitement, and they want it first hand! Anybody can open up and eat a can of cold beans, but how many can actually do some tag teamin' with twin babes? Double the pleasure! Double the fun! Double mint, double mint ... oh brother.
The big "tag team" event was the talk of the gym today. According to the Cardinal, Myki (the aerobics instructor for the quadstep class on Thursday) made an announcement to the whole class that The Bull was going out on a big date. Apparently, Matt told her that when she wondered where The Bull was. The Bull and Eric did not show up at the gym today. You can only guess why. Tam was in town today, which indicates that my prediction is correct. She will be moving here in December. Jimbo mentioned to me that The Bull told him about the big date on Tuesday. Apparently, The Bull was proud to tell him how he set up the whole thing with the twins, and how Eric called him "a babe magnet." The Cardinal and some other gym people are going to end up at the same place that the "tag team" and the twins will be tonight (for dancing), so we are sure to hear about it. It is funny how The Bull did not mention this to me at all. I guess it is because he and everyone else now know that everything they say is on the record. Well, it's time for me to go sit in that chair and stare at the wall. Hopefully, I'll be in seclusion in the corner all weekend. See y'all next week (unless something stupid comes up).
After sitting for ten-and-a-half hours in that chair, I was refreshed and invigorated. Actually I was going out of my mind. What kind of nut would sit in a corner staring at the wall for that long? Sheesh! I liked it better in my closet. I called my homey Tom and we ended up at Starbuck's for coffee. Tom called Steph to see if she wanted to go but she had a party to go to, so she couldn't make it. Naturally, there are other reasons, too. Tom mentioned that he and Harry got together last night. He tried to call me. Of course, the eunuch's phone wasn't plugged in. I kind of wish I stayed in because this was the first night The Idiots went out somewhere aside from the supermarket. You know, The Idiots really make a dramatic statement in the defense of celibacy. Well, I've had my fun tonight! Now, it's time for me to go back to the corner.
I couldn't bring myself to go to the gym today either. After my vigil in the corner, I looked in the mirror. Whoa! I looked like Jack Nicholson in The Shining during his later stages of psychosis. It was Evil Eunuch staring me right in the face! You know, I haven't taken any aerobics classes in over two weeks, and even the meathead stuff is getting old. Anyway, life around here isn't boring, it's mummified! I don't know about anyone else, but I'm getting tired of passing around the embalming fluid. Maybe I should take up shrinking heads as a hobby like my old pal Loser. The problem is that I might accidentally shrink my own head.
Apparently, I have already shrunk my head because I have nothing to write about here. This is my fifth attempt to come up with something. You know, when you lead a full, productive life like I do, words to describe that life just seem to flow like water. Let's see now ... we have already had a glimpse of the baked beans ritual and the chair in the corner thing. That only leaves the AutoMall, but I'll save that for another time. We don't want to cram too much excitement into one weekend. I can't be responsible if you have a cardiac event from having too much fun here! Whoa! Wait until I get the new computer. We can set up Windows together! Yeah! I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it!
And babes! Forget about them! Why be dragged down by ambiguous obligations that only cause anxiety and disappointment? It's time to take the wheel and move from the slow lane to the fast lane. Then, lose control and careen off the shoulder into the bushes. No problem! Why? Because life is like a can of Bush's baked beans! Pop the lid and eat 'em cold!
Speaking of babes, it is time to recap the big Friday "tag team" event. As I was to understand, the "team" went over to pick up the twins, and they drove out to the Graduate (a club). Unfortunately, the babes couldn't get in because they were underage. After dropping the twins off, the "team" went back to the Grad. Then, they went downtown to Mother's Tavern. They were tearin' it up! They both met a lot of babes, and according to Eric, one of the babes from the Grad followed them to Mother's because of The Bull. Eric told me, "He (The Bull) is a babe magnet!" The Bull mentioned that he's been real busy. He has at least one date per night every night for the next few weeks, so he is on a roll. As for the "tag team," it's happenin'! The Bull has found a trolling partner, and looks like they are now the Dream Team. Eric also mentioned to me that they have a lot of plans in the works. So, what happened to the twins? Well, the Dream Team is taking them out next week to make up for Friday's fiasco. All I can say is ... da Dream Team is in da house!
Well, the new computer is here, and you know what that means! Yep, it's time to set up Windows! That's right! All of us who are not part of the Dream Team need something to do. I'm letting the batteries charge now, so tomorrow ... ooooohh, man! Have I been chosen to have this much fun, or what?
You know, that Bill Gates guy is the same age as me. I remember when he was putzing around with that albatross Altair computer. At that time, I hated computers. Now look where he is and look where I am. I probably can't even afford one of his fingernail clippers! One can't help but wonder if he has a problem with the babe situation. I highly doubt it. Maybe he could join the Dream Team with The Bull and Eric. I'm going to start up a team, myself. It's called Team Loser. Yeah, that's right. I've already started to recruit the members.
The minute that I walked into the gym, Matt told me that the twins are going to be hottubbing with the Dream Team tonight. Well, if I remember correctly what hottubbing is about, then I'd say there will be champagne and other delights sans clothing. Jimbo said that there will probably be so much activity that they won't need to turn on the Jacuzzi jets. The Bull has now been too busy with fellow team member, Eric, that he no longer has time to associate with the rest of us (It's a good thing I have this computer). I left the gym early because I needed to get over to Staples to find a carrying case for my new computer. Today marks three weeks since I last did an aerobics class. Soon, I may not even go to the gym. Ah, but what would I write about?
It's a full moon again tonight, and the wolves will be out (hottubbing). I remember a hottub adventure, myself, from the days of old. I used to swim with a team (not the Dream Team) for about seven years. It was kind of a party team, too. One of my homeys, Romero, was always thinking up ways to party with the babes on the team. Things really picked up after the Nationals down in Santa Monica and the now infamous Monday Night in Santa Monica, which will be detailed when I run out of material (or I'm sitting in the corner). So, Romero, threw a party one night at his place. While the party was going, he grabbed a bottle of champagne and he, Janet and I took off to Sycamore Mineral Springs to go hottubbing. We were already hammered so we tried to sneak in and use one of the tubs but, apparently, they turn on the jets from the office. We went and paid for an hour or so and went up in the hills. After a lot of champagne and the chronic, we were on our way. There was a lot of activity underwater and I don't think Romero knew what was going on, but ... wait a minute ... I'm a monk! The jets went off after our paid time and all I remember is that we were staggering around and laughing, sans clothes for the longest time and rolling around in the poison oak trying to find the office. You know, that poison oak can last for a few weeks. Then, there was the slumber party ... Anyway, you can only imagine what is going to happen tonight when the Dream Team takes the twins hottubbing. As for Team Loser, we'll be on the computer!
I was just thinking, though, that if I sell my K-Mart all-in-one, then the only material possessions I'll have are my computer and my broken French Press (and my six-four). This little shoebox will be like a mansion then. Yes, me and my computer. The sinister force struck again at the heart of my lifestyle. The battery of my computer must be defective as it only lasts about half-an-hour after fully charged. I was working on something last night, and then that annoying beeping started. You should have seen me scurrying around like a roach, trying to get the AC power pack set up before I lost my work. Sheesh!
I was sitting outside the library this afternoon, eating my apple cinnamon muffin when, lo and behold, Naomi came out of the library. Baby walked over and sat down next to the ol' eunuch to chat. Catching me off guard, I was not able to break into the eunuch-like behavior quick enough. You know, that Naomi is a real babe. After I got a grip on myself, I commenced my eunuch-like monosyllabic routine. That was a close call. I must have thought that I was a Dream Team member for a minute. Who was I kidding? Later, it came to my attention that some clown is apparently interested in Naomi. I think that he must have thought I was moving in on his action. I'm surprised that he didn't try to show me who was boss. That's too bad because I was ready to read him the riot act. Jees! And, thanks to my virtual homey firstname.lastname@example.org for writing!
Take that infamous Monday Night in Santa Monica.
We were all down for the Nationals at the USC Swim Stadium, the one built
for the Olympics. When Sunday came around, four of us decided to stay in
LA. So it was Romero, Janet, her roommate Cathy and me. Janet said that
we could stay at her friend's place in West Hollywood. What a fabulous
place! We cruised around LA, checking some of the sights. For some reason,
we ended up in Santa Monica. Baby and baby were looking real nice. It was
Summer and they had on their Summer dresses. Romero wanted to start partying,
and I knew why. So, at 2pm, the games began. By four, we were hammered
and somewhere in Santa Monica, doing happy hour. We continued happy hour
and had dinner at a restaurant that had a magician who gave us a real show,
probably because we were the loudest and most fun of all the people there.
Things got real fuzzy after that. All I can remember is the four of us,
arm-in-arm, walking down the main street. We were lost and going from bar
to bar. Around 8pm, we ended up at some dance place. We were the only ones
there so we drank and danced. I don't know what happened but all of a sudden
the place was jammed with people. They were all dressed up, and we were
dressed like we just came from the beach. I remember I was dancing with
Janet, and then the next thing I knew we were swappin' spit for the longest
time. Somehow we got back to West Hollywood (even though I was driving).
We were all up talking for awhile and Romero passed out first. Then, Cathy
passed out. So, it was only Janet and I. We continued where we left off
at the dance place. I bet you were thinking that I gave in, didn't you?
I'm a monk! Two weeks later, Janet and I were having dinner at the world
famous Madonna Inn. We were talking about who knows what, when ...
"Yeah. How could I forget!" I stated rhetorically.
"You remember when Cathy and I went to the ladies' room?"
"Yeah," I said, recalling that this was the rest stop we made.
"I told Cathy that I was going to jump your bones that night."
"No, but she did tell me that she was going to jump your bones."
Well, after that planetary excursion, we're back to the monk thing. My call may not be that of a monk. I think I need to become a hermit, especially with the nonsense I have to hear about at the gym. After all the hoopla over the Dream Team hottub event, nothing happened. The twins allegedly got called into work (don't banks close at 3pm?), so the event was postponed. Jimbo heard this and started laughing. He told me later, "They (the twins) are just buying time so they can move." I can see that, given the last fiasco at the Grad. You know, I recall that I told Eric that I didn't think the twins could get in because they were nineteen. He said that he knew they could get in. They didn't. The Bull got the royal treatment tonight when he took Myki's quadstep class. Everyone wanted to know how the big double-date went. Fortunately, I didn't take the class to see this spectacle. The Dream Team is starting to look like Dumb and Dumber. They are going to Farmer's Market tonight to see what they can see. Eric asked me if I wanted to join them but I declined because, if they met some babes, I'd end up standing around like some kind of putz.
Steph was at the gym tonight and she came over to chat. She commented on how my shades bothered her. I told her that I was a monk, and I had to wear them (never mind that it was 7pm and dark outside). I quizzed her on why she didn't want to go to coffee with me and my homey Tom last week. She said that Tom never mentioned that there was to be three of us. "If I had known you going to be there, I would have invited you guys to go along to my friend's birthday party at SLO Brew (not a coffee place)," she said. Then, she mentioned that Tom has been calling her quite a bit, something I did not know. I better help her out with her e-mail account because we have a few things to talk about. Well, tomorrow is a holiday and I may have to go into seclusion until Monday.
The Master (my homey Manuel) was at the Hermitage,
thank goodness. He told me that his life is repeating itself like Bill
Murray's in the movie Groundhog's Day, except that he just gets
older and doesn't get the babe. I asked The Master about the babe situation
"I've already run out of time. I'm a hermit," he replied.
"So, what are you going to do now that it's over?" I asked.
"Same thing I always do. Get up, go to work, come home, watch TV, go
to bed. I don't know what I'm gonna do when I don't have to work ... I'll
just get up and go back to bed. I might not even get up."
I called Steph tonight to make plans for coffee tomorrow night. I also have to set up her modem so she can join the fine e-family we have. I have learned that my homey Tom has been calling her a lot but she is not interested. She also lamented about not having a date in a long time (a month). I told her that I haven't had a date in my whole life. She said, "But, you're a monk." That's right. I almost forgot about that! Now I must return to seclusion as penance for that forgetfulness.
I came out of seclusion around 6pm but I didn't make it to the gym. Garsh, darnit! Instead I went over to help Steph set up her modem on her Mac PowerPC, and I looked like an idiot because I couldn't find any kind of terminal emulation program. Apparently, the unit was packaged with some cheesy non-Apple modem. The modem works fine but we couldn't log on to anything! You know, I hate Windows Terminal but after tonight I have to admit that I'm having a change of heart. In fact, I love Windows! If I had OS/2 Warp, I'd love it even more. My homey Tom arrived during that time and so we aborted the project to go to Applebee's for a bite and some coffee. Well, all I can say is that $30 will not get you much. Our waitress was a gym babe but she did not recognize us. Well, hey! I'm invisible to babes! Things seemed a little strained. It is fairly obvious that Tom has a thing for Steph, but it is equally obvious that the feeling isn't mutual. I told Steph yesterday that I'll probably come back a couple of years from now and they will be an item. Well, the coat hangers are calling me. And, the pathetic keyboard is driving me nuts. I think I was better off staying in seclusion, so back I go into the closet!
|Our season finale is just around the corner, so we need to tie up a lot of loose ends. The sinister force is sure to provide a lot more excitement as it continues to toy with the oversized cranium next season! So, what about this virgin thing anyway? Is this some kind of charade? Ladies and gentlemen, we all know that none of this is a charade. You know, virginity is an elusive concept within the context of definition. Sometimes it is a function of neuronal activity in the neo-cortex, or the lack thereof. So, the most impotent (I just spelled "important" as "impotent." It's the sinister force again!) aspect of virginity is the recollection of when it was allegedly lost. You may be wondering about all these babes that keep popping up lately in this story. Who? What babes? It's just the ol' neo-cortex acting up again! To the best of my recollection, I'm still a 41-year-old virgin!||You know, virginity is an elusive concept within the context of definition.|
That's why I don't need to worry about babes. My big concern is how I am going to afford a PCMCIA modem card. I really need to sell the K-Mart all-in-one entertainment center. Things will really be quiet and a little spartan around here then. Can you visualize my little shoebox here in the Roach Motel and the cheap Roach Motel-issue furniture? Imagine that as you look around, you see absolutely nothing else, that is, except for one thing ... yep, my notebook computer with a cheap lamp shining on it. Oh, I forgot that the cheap modem is lying on the floor in the middle of the shoebox. Is that pathetic, or what? Can you fathom the humiliation I would have to endure if a babe came over here? It's a good thing I'm a loser!
Yes, it's going to be non-stop excitement as we wind the season down. It's also the home stretch for my one year of sobriety! Never mind that I have more than enough reason to drink, like the $1,500 I will owe next month for rent, car insurance, and everything else. I'll also be a 42-year-old virgin! Then, I have to continue my battle with the sinister force which is trying to turn me away from becoming a monk. A loser's work is never done!
The Cardinal mentioned to me today in the gym that The Bull is now juggling four babes at the same time. The Bull clarified that he is now down to only two. He had to weed out the others. So what happened to the twins? Well, apparently they didn't make the cut. He said that both he and Eric decided that they (the twins) were "too immature." Yeah, right. I asked The Bull why he was juggling so many babes and he said, "For experience!" Practice makes perfect. Eric walked over, and he and The Bull began discussing plans for the week. That was my signal to get lost. I told Jimbo that if The Bull wanted to do some juggling he should go over to the clown shop and buy some juggling balls. Jimbo made some other comment but that is not allowed here on LoserNet. The Bull really no longer associates with the ol' eunuch anymore. Do you blame him? I got nothing to offer. In fact, less and less people associate with the ol' eunuch. Well, hey! I'm a computer nerd! I don't talk about babes and they don't talk computers. The only exciting thing is that Big Don invited me over for Thanksgiving with his family. I'm not sure I am going because I'd rather be here with my cold can of beans. I've learned well from The Master!
I think I am going blind because of the cheap lamp I use. I should get used to it because, as a monk, all I'll have is a candle and the Good Book. Of course, it doesn't help that my new computer is charcoal gray including the keyboard. The letters are in light gray. The only thing I can see clearly is the brand name in large white letters. You know, if I had a babe, then I wouldn't need to see the keyboard and I wouldn't need a new lamp. You thought I slipped, didn't you? You're right! I'm delirious from staying up nights worrying about how I am going to afford a PCMCIA modem!
I happened to run into a gym babe, Chris, while running errands and talked to her. It was a great opportunity for me to practice the Data-like personality and the eunuch-like behavior. Then, I was off to a luncheon to further practice the Data-like personality. I bet all of these people wonder if I am actually alive. Sometimes I wonder, too. The only thing that might bring me to life is the computer keyboard, which is pushing me to the point of violence. The sinister force is once again toying with my sanity. Then, as I drove to town this afternoon, I noticed a pungent odor. I looked down and saw little paw prints. I was literally sitting in a toilet, which, incidentally, sums up my life in a nutshell. Maybe I should affix a bottle of Toilet Duck next to the driver's seat with some "duck" tape.
There was no way that I was going to the gym today. Instead I have gone into quasi-seclusion which is similar to a coma. I've decided that I am going to appoint myself to the position of monk, even though I haven't even been a novice. Lord knows, I've met and exceeded the qualifications. Yes, I am now a monk. I'm starting my own monastery right here at the Roach Motel. Do you want to join? It's not an easy life, especially with the vow of celibacy. For a loser like me, that is already a way of life. Now I need a name ... hmmm ... how about "Brothers of the Immaculate Roach"? Yeah, that's it! Now I need to buy some Chant CDs. Wendy, I'm home!
I saw Loser yesterday. Loser and I have a lot more in common than I thought. No, I don't pace around the shoebox. Loser does live next to a couple who also have a dog. And, he wears shorts all the time like I do (Why not? I have no reason to dress up). Loser also knows no babes. He does have an incredible babe living on the other side of the "palace." You are probably wondering why he doesn't do anything about it. Well, hey! He's a loser! Just like me!
I don't know if it's lack of sleep or what, but I have had visions of myself splintering everything in sight here at the Roach Motel with a big ax (just like Jack in The Shining). First in line would be this computer. Then, I would go upstairs and splinter BigFoottm's tube and dice up his boots. Next, I would go over to The Idiot's place and splinter all of their cupboard doors and drawers, and set Fido free. Fortunately, I am a monk now. I am a man of peace. I am a man of the cloth.
I happened to see that gym babe, Marlene, around a few times today. She doesn't talk to me anymore, either. Baby was looking real good, but I really didn't notice since I am a monk. Then, later in the afternoon, Naomi sat by me but fortunately I was already in eunuch mode. I didn't even notice how good baby looked. I had gotten a monk buzz cut yesterday, and she made the comment, "It looks so soft." I guess that meant that my head looked fuzzy. Okay. It is truly amazing to see the complete metamorphosis that has occurred since I have become a monk! It is a miracle!
The weekend is rapidly approaching and, upon review of my "planner" (part of an envelope I tore off), I see that the slate is clean. It is like I cleaned the bowl already with the Toilet Duck. So, that leaves me with only one option ... seclusion! Maybe I'll sit in the bathroom all weekend. Just me and my Toilet Duck! Quack!
Ross and Rachel! That's the big news! I didn't even know about it. That goes to show you that I really am a monk. Everyone else in the world knows about it. Well, I finally made it to the gym after a two-day hiatus. I think I have retired from aerobics and I probably will retire from the whole gym scene very soon. I'm a monk now and so I do not need to worry about vain things like trying to become buffed. Buffed for what? So I can squeeze the Toilet Duck harder? Sheesh! Buffed for babes? Babes don't even know I exist! Speaking of babes, some gym babe came over to me and asked if I had seen any interesting sights. She obviously thought that I was doing some "recon" since I had my shades on. I told her that I had them on because I was a monk. And, I focus only on one thing. Yep, the Toilet Duck is definitely calling me now! Quack!
I'm about ready to retire to the "ranch." Lord knows I already have enough experience with all these nuts here at this asylum. The more I think about it, Loser is one of the more sane people here. I know I'm a nut! Who else would open up the Brothers of the Immaculate Roach Monastery right here in the middle of a nut house? All of us here are all like those turds swirling around in the bowl after a FOUR-FLUSHER, no doubt caught up in the vortex of stupidity. That's why I know that it's time to take the Toilet Duck and clean the bowl! Quack!
I ran into the Cardinal at the gym and he told me that The Bull had an interview for some top executive position (The Bull doesn't really need to work). He showed up to the interview in just shorts and a T-shirt. He was hired right on the spot. This man is a legend! The Cardinal also mentioned that he did not know how many babes The Bull was now juggling. The Bull has remained tight-lipped. The sky is the limit for The Bull. He could have 60 babes if he wanted! That's why losers like me are stuck with the Toilet Duck. That's it, I'm through! It's time for seclusion!
I had spoken too soon as The Idiots came home. With all the racket they were making, I assumed that they went on a shopping spree at CostCo (in the food section). They started their laundry and loaded the washer poorly. It was unbalanced and banging against the wall. The laundry room of the Roach Motel is next door to me. They must shove the clothes into the washer like they shove food in their mouths. It must be bliss to be both cylindrically shaped and moronic! It's good thing I'm a monk. You know, I wonder if they saw that box office hit about a homicidal preacher called Minister of Death. If the cylindrical stupidity keeps up, I guarantee you that they will be privy to a live sneak preview!
|I came out of seclusion early to go to the library. I was in the quiet section, reading a computer magazine. Some nerd was helping a babe do some homework, and they were talking real loud. What was even funnier was the fact that the nerd was attempting to act like a stud. Isn't it funny to realize that all guys including nerds try to act like studs in front of the babes and impress them? I almost yelled over to them to shut up, but I am a monk, a man of peace. Then, El Dorko tried to ask her out! She said that she had a retreat to go to. Yeah, right. She used the poor loser and discarded him like he was a soiled facial tissue. I'm surprised that he didn't take it out on his calculator!||Then, El Dorko tried to ask her out!|
As the season draws to a close, let us review the denouement. The sinister force continues to toy with the oversized cranium, pitting itself against the sobriety of the ol' eunuch. No word on my clone, Evil Eunuch. I hope he left town. Selling the K-Mart all-in-one is still a burning issue. And, the cliff-hanger is ... (drum roll) envelope, please ... whether I should buy a new lamp before I go blind! (applause) Wow! You can't find this kind of excitement anywhere else but here at LoserNet! No Ross and Rachel nonsense here! If you tune into some other Web journals, you will find that a certain e-mail romance has escalated and now homeboy is flying to Florida to see his babe for Thanksgiving. You won't find that here! Another Web journal finds its author chiseling away at a sock stuck to the kitchen linoleum. Now that's more like it! But, that's still a little too exciting for us here at the Immaculate Roach! I better sit down. That kind of excitement makes me dizzy!
It was a busy day at the gym. The Bull was there and he mentioned that he is down to two babes but, with the influx of new talent at the gym, you can assured that he is happy as a clam. I asked The Bull about his new job and he apparently still has another interview. Jimbo came over to me later and asked if The Bull was going to iron his shorts this time. I took Yalda's step class, and I thought I was going to die. That was after the meathead routine and time on the Lifecycle along with Big D. Sandra walked by and laughed as she watched me barely making it through my cardio set. I told everyone that I am going to quit the gym and go over to the YMCA. My only workout at the Y will be playing checkers with the old guys!
I accepted Big Don's invitation to go over to have Thanksgiving with his family. I really wanted to have the Bush's Baked Beans Thanksgiving Special, but I realized that The Idiots may be here for Thanksgiving. Speaking of The Idiots ... after the cylindrical Mrs. Idiot slammed the shower doors a few times to get into the shower, I heard some frolicking going on. No, it wasn't the wild thing. It sounded like Mr. Idiot was throwing some cold water on Mrs. Idiot. I'm just glad she didn't fall over. I'm not sure whether the Roach Motel is up to the new seismic specifications.
I was too tired to work out at the gym but I went anyway. It turns out that no one else was really working out. The Bull mentioned to me that he took the Bishop out on his birthday and, apparently, the Bishop is now interested in another babe. Every Monday night, the Bishop is now engaged in some Native American ritual with a teepee and a lot of steam. He, his buddy and baby sit in the teepee and cleanse their pores or something like that. Wouldn't a hot shower suffice? Matt has decided that he wants to have Poker Night on Wednesdays. I think this might be an acceptable activity for a monk. After the so-called workout, The Bull and I went to CJ's for the all-you-can-eat salad bar. Is this livin' it up, or what? And, after all of that I have a whole evening of disk copying ahead of me!
I went to the gym this afternoon. It was pretty packed considering that tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Moms had sent me a couple of huge boxes of chocolate covered macadamia nuts, and I was hungry so I opened one up and started passing them out to everyone. That caused quite a commotion. I thought about taking them and passing them out in Yalda's class. That incredible gym babe Lisa even had a couple! Wow! Maybe I should save the box forever. Just kidding! I have another big box that I'll bring to the gym next week. Moms also sent a bunch of toothbrushes. So far, in six months, she has sent me fourteen toothbrushes all because I had told her that I couldn't find my favorite brand. Moms also sends me a lots of Kona coffee of which I give some away as gifts. Thanks mom!
No, moms doesn't read LoserNet! The Cardinal, The Bull and I went to all-you-can-eat Chinese and stuffed our faces. The Cardinal apparently found out the details of the Dream Team exploits from Eric. We spent a good deal of time at dinner pumping The Bull for the whole story. Eric has told the Cardinal that The Bull's techniques with the babes are "superb." They apparently play off each other with The Bull being the point man. The Bull, being the "babe magnet," draws them in and then he and Eric do the "tag team" thing. The Cardinal has been doing some circulating of his own, too. So, I had to listen to these stories and then listen to some diatribe on which are the best brands of condoms. Well, I could have stayed in tonight at the Immaculate Roach and listen to The Idiots. You know, they are the only people staying here this weekend with the exception of myself. I hope they aren't planning on waking me up tomorrow at 6am, or there is going to be a 1-8-7. It's the sinister force, I know it! I am so full. I think I'm going to pass out on the floor again. Oh boy!
I have eaten way too much again today. Rod and I got together for a quick lunch at Denny's. Then, I was off to Big Don's for Thanksgiving dinner. Unfortunately, I had to return to the Roach Motel to listen to The Idiots having a Thanksgiving door slammin' soirée. So, I guess I might as well make use of the K-Mart all-in-one while I have it. I sure hope that they like Raekwon because that's what we will be listening to most of the night. You know, that K-Mart gets pretty loud. I may just have to keep it. Well, happy Thanksgiving to all from me and Raekwon! And, thanks to email@example.com for writing in about the loser living above them! We enjoy those stories here at LoserNet.
There were several babes at the gym today, but only two really stood out. One of them was that incredible gym babe Lisa. Now, I am a monk so I really don't notice babes. However, I did notice something that I actually have observed over a long period of time. The guys were literally lining up to talk to those two babes today. It was almost comical. One of the babes was on the Gauntlet, and guys would go over to talk to her one after the other. Then, I noticed that wherever Lisa went, there was always an entourage of guys. It was like a feeding frenzy! The Cardinal, Eric and The Bull were there today, and they were involved in the frenzy. You can also probably guess what the conversations were about. I play along like a good monk should but deep down the guys know that I am not one of them. I am not a team player. I'm a loser! I can't compete!
So, like the true eunuch that I am, I stayed in on a Friday night and had a Windows Solitaire marathon. I lost $1,214 at last count. The Idiots came back and added to the festivities by making as much noise as possible stocking their refrigerator (I assume). I have a feeling that every bit of storage space is taken up by food. There are probably CostCo-sized shipping crates of Ding Dongs and Ho-Hos stacked up to the ceiling. I hope they bougt some Toilet Duck!
|I did not make it to the gym today. Most likely, it would have been a repeat of the spectacle of yesterday. Yes, even as we approach the season finale, there are some constants in the universe. I neglected to mention that The Bull has been hanging out at Mango's, a new club here in town. That is where he has been taking his babes and cutting a rug, or that is what he told the Cardinal and I the other night at dinner. The Bull has gotten bolder and bolder in his methods. He has been getting a little frisky with some of the babes, but I'm not exactly sure what his idea of finesse is. He grabbed Tamara's butt and told her that she's "getting a little soft." Now, Tamara is a luscious gym babe, although I really wouldn't know since I am a monk. The Bull claims that he had to do that because she has been grabbing him by the butt. Guys like The Bull can get away with these blatant acts because they run this town. If a squirrely 98-pound weakling like the ol' eunuch tried a stunt like that, there would be at least a hundred goons who would volunteer to pummel me.||Now, Tamara is a luscious gym babe, although I really wouldn't know since I am a monk.|
Well, we're driving to town now ... say, what's
that smell? Awww Krunk! That damned mutt sprayed in here again! That does
it! I'm putting out a little bowl of antifreeze for him. Lots of rollers
(cops) out tonight. Okay, we're at the Wherehouse finally. Let's go in
and trade in these losers right now.
"Uh. I can give you fourteen dollars."
"What? Are you nuts? These are like brand new! Look ... Raekwon, Bone Thugs, AMG, Kool G. ..."
"All right, give it to me."
Okay we're back. What a night! I didn't get that Mel Tormé CD, but that is coming up soon. Don't laugh. People my age listen to Mel Tormé. There are a lot more preparations that need to be made before the Big Four-Two! I wonder if Long's still has that sale on reading glasses.
Since we are cleaning house, as it were, I think I need to divest this need for violence. You know, before I became a monk, I was prone to flying off the handle. I remember one time I was driving by the Post Office, when the clown two cars front of me stopped abruptly. The car in front of me almost ran into him, and turned out to avoid him. He backed in to park in a red zone. I told him that he was an idiot, and then he started cussing at me and flipping me off. I got out of my six-four. I was blocking a lane of traffic and everyone was honking. I told them all to shut up, and I went over to my buddy's car. He was still cussing so I reached in and grabbed him, shook him a few times and threw him against his seat. Then, I asked him if he wanted to step outside. He rolled up his window, flipped me off, and almost ran me over as he tore out of the space. That reminds me of another anecdote, as I have many of this genre. I was driving over to see one of my homeys when I stopped at a red light. The light turned green, and I was going to make a right but I had to wait for a pedestrian. The car opposite of me was making a left. He edged in front of me and almost hit the pedestrian, just so he could go ahead of me. I saw his head pop up in surprise when he saw the pedestrian. He pulled into the Safeway parking lot, and I yelled over to him about how I had the right of way. I asked him if he was drunk. He flipped me off just as he entered the Safeway. So, I ran to the door. I couldn't wait for it to open so I slammed it into the wall. I yelled over to loser to get back out here. Meanwhile, a Safeway employee came over to see what was going on. I had picked up one of those fire logs that are always by the door and I was going to go after dummy. Next thing I know, all the Safeway employees are running over to where I am. I didn't know that there were that many people working there. Then, they all huddled me, and started moving to the door, while the one guy is saying, "There, there. Everything will be all right." I told this to Skip, one of my (then) roommates, and he busted out laughing. I have endless anecdotes like this and really, friends, isn't it time for me to close those chapters? After all, I'm a monk. I'm a man of peace. And, I listen to Chant now.
Well, let us continue to clean house now, shall we? How about this babe situation? You know, when you reflect on all that has been said here, you may come away confused about the babe situation. Not to worry. There is no babe situation. What babes? I don't see any babes. I'm a monk. I may have mentioned a few babes here and there but I was merely speaking rhetorically. You see, I don't even notice them. I may mention them or describe them here but, in reality, I was not even aware of their existence. That's the power of the monastic mind! So, you can rest assured that when the ol' eunuch rhetorically mentions that incredible gym babe Lisa, or that luscious gym babe Tamara, or that incredibly exotic babe Naomi, they are merely faces in the crowd. In fact, I can't even remember who they are now. And, better yet, they don't even know that I exist. A monk couldn't ask for a better situation!
The gym was crazy the minute I walked in. Somehow I got into a discussion with one of the four Mikes there about how to juggle four or five babes at the same time. Matt showed up and took Yalda's earlier class. We are up in the air about poker night. The Bull and I took Yalda's class after social hour was over. Afterwards, I got Yalda to get the class to give The Bull a standing ovation. Yalda even named one of her routines after The Bull. This man is clearly a legend. I asked The Bull whether he used up that strip of condoms that the Cardinal gave him. He said that wasn't enough to last one night. That luscious gym babe Tamara was there in class. And so was that babe Annie. She came over to talk to the ol' eunuch after class while I was reaching for my gym bag. I hit my head on the balance bar when I looked up, proving once again that I am a dork. She asked, "Are you too cool or did you have your eyes tested," no doubt because of the shades. I had to remind her that I was a monk. You know, that Annie is a real babe. Jees! There's no way I can put two hours at the gym in one paragraph. It almost deserves a page of its own.
The Idiots had some kind of fight this morning. Fortunately, I had to leave, but when I returned from the gym I saw a pizza guy parked out front. It was a delivery to The Idiots. Well, I guess they ate and made up! I would like to firstname.lastname@example.org for writing in and mentioning the tidbit about my buddy Loser in New Yorker magazine!
The Bull was surveying some of the gym babes today, and what was the topic, you ask? He wanted to know what were the best style of condoms, at least from the babes point of view. Matt was there again today. He told me that The Bull should be looking to find a nice babe, like Lisa (not the incredible gym babe, although she is a babe). I told Matt that a lot of the guys do not consider her because she is too wholesome. The real problem, I think, is that most of the guys figure that baby won't want to do the wild thing. It really is pathetic but, in a way, it's a blessing for her since she won't end up being taken advantage of by some of these clowns. Baby has been looking for a boyfriend for a long time. She has even given guys her phone number but those guys told me that they weren't interested in her. Sheesh! When I got back to the Immaculate Roach, I realized that the season finale cannot end this way, so I broke out a 99-cent Budget Gourmet Linguine and Tomato Sauce with Italian Sausage frozen dinner. Money is no object when it's the season finale! Yes, I truly am a fortunate man. I'm livin' large in a small way!
The Return of the 41-Year-Old Virgin
41-Year-Old Virgin ... Tralfaz
The Bull ... Himself
The Bishop ... Himself
The Cardinal ... Himself
And a cast of thousands.
Original Soundtrack by Foolboy-G
Presented by 41-Year-Old Virgin/Partners in association with JumpStart Productions.
© Copyright 1995 by the 41-Year-Old Virgin.
LoserNettm Love It, or Lose It.