What a pathetic season première. But, hey! What can you expect? You know, the last festive B-day I had was in the Homer Notebook days. My (then) roommates and a bunch of friends got together and did a surprise event. They bought a really nice cake, and then we all went out to dinner at Tai-Kai Japanese Restaurant. They also bought a bunch of presents, including my favorite, Mr. Potato Head! I always wanted Mr. Potato Head.
November 29th was always a party (read: drinking) day. My homey Rod shares the same birthday so we always celebrated together, one way or the other. I got hammered every B-day up until last year, when I made the final vow to end the drinking forever. Today unofficially marks one year. I say "unofficial" because I believe Rod and I actually celebrated a few days late. One year is a short time considering the ten-year drinking binge I was on, but I have never been able to do this before. When I look back, I know I had a lot of fun, and I provided a lot of entertainment for everyone. It was a hard battle. My nerves were shot as it was, and when I ended the sedation things really got on my nerves. That is why, I believe, The Loser Living Upstairs was created. I was trying to keep from losing it.
The sinister force has once again dispatched an agent to toy with the oversized cranium. For some reason the agent is attempting to discredit this site, and has turned it into a personal vendetta. This is a pathetic site compared to other Web Journals. One journal's writer has found true love, and is soon to become a famous author all because of his Web site. Success breeds success, and losing breeds ... well, you know. But, this agent of the sinister force is clever and has picked a day of significance to choose to unleash those powers of evil upon us here. A drink is starting to look real good right around now. I have, however, managed to postpone my many important (Baha! Ha! Ha!) affairs until Friday. Well, the feast was excellent tonight except that I couldn't finish the sardines. I was too full since I had one of those 25-cent Tina's frozen burritos for an appetizer. I played another Windows Solitaire marathon and lost $858. By the way, have you ever wondered what those flashing lights on the modem mean? It means that the modem is on! Anyway, that's what I call livin' large on the big B-day special! And, a thank you to firstname.lastname@example.org and email@example.com for sending e-mail B-day greetings!
Since we are somewhat on the topic of time, I should
talk about my cheap alarm clock that has been with me now for over six
years. It took me weeks to find the right one. I found it at Thrifty Drug
on sale for $5.99 and it ticks really loud. I used to call it the Time
Bomb. In fact, I've been trying to figure out how to send it home. Even
after it winds down, it can start ticking at any time. Imagine if I have
it in my suitcase at the airport. But, I love my clock! It's been through
everything with me. In fact, I love all my pathetic possession because
none of them are worth anything. That's why I still have the broken French
Press. My (then) roommate Skip used to laugh and tell me, "You love looking
pathetic, especially to the babes." Well, hey! I am pathetic!
|The gym was literally a zoo today. Apparently the gym "owner" had a promotion going with a local radio station. So, during the middle of the busiest part of the day, he turned the gym into a petting zoo. Well, not exactly, since there was no way anyone was going to pet a Bengal tiger and a twelve-foot snake! I didn't get the concept, but then psychosis is difficult to pinpoint. The Bull, the Cardinal and Eric were heading to Farmer's Market. However, I was not privy to join them. I have become an outcast. And, you know why ... yep, the babe situation! I'm not a team player! I can't bring any babes in, so I'm dead weight.||I didn't get the concept, but then psychosis is difficult to pinpoint.|
Speaking of babes, I have noticed that whenever I am engaged in a discussion with any of my homeys, some babe will run up and interrupt the discussion to talk to my homey. This provides positive proof that I am invisible. I have never been able to figure out why babes do this. It never is anything important that couldn't wait. I surmise that there may be a more nefarious agenda at hand. Yes, they want to kick a man when he's down ... show me that I am a loser! Well, the joke's on them because I am a monk! I have studied with The Master! Baha! Ha! Ha! And, thanks to my old buddy Mike (from the days of the Del Rio Research Center) for sending e-mail B-day greetings!
When you really think about it, this life of mine gives a whole new meaning to mummification. That's probably why I drink so much coffee. If I don't, I may lapse into a coma. Other guys are going through babes right and left, and me ... I'm just trying to stay awake. Isn't that something? It reminds me of the group therapy class I had a year or so ago. We did a lot of group activities to apply theory. One session required each of us to draw out a graphical time line and share it with the group. Everyone had drawn out intricate time lines showing all of the significant points in their lives. When it came to be my turn, I showed them my time line. I had three drawings and a year above each. The first drawing was an atom and the year 1953 (my pre-birth). The second one was in the middle and it was a nice drawing of a bottle of King Cobra (Don't let the smooth taste fool ya!) and the year was 1993, and the final drawing was of a guy passed out (bottom of shoes facing viewer) and the year was 2003 (my future). My presentation was short, and the only person who was laughing was Caroll, one of my few friends in the program. As you can tell, I'm not a team player!
There's nothing like being behind a loser revving up his engine while sitting in my six-four that smells like a sewage plant. After that mutt took several whizzes, I dumped several buckets of water inside but it did nothing but spread the smell. By the way, that's how I clean the inside of my six-four. I just take buckets of soap water and toss it in. It works great! Anyway, after I ran my errands I came back to the Roach Motel. I took the day off from the gym to calm my nerves. What a mistake! Mrs. Idiot has been slamming every drawer and cupboard door repetitively for three hours. The garbage disposal has been run three times. I'm really surprised that they have any garbage, if you know what I mean. Everyone else in the Roach Motel has gone out for the evening except me and The Idiots. I think even Loser is out! The Idiots don't need to go anywhere. Everything they need is in their refrigerator. The garbage disposal has been run again as we speak. I put Chant on the K-Mart but it is doing little to keep me from going over there to perform some crude form of liposuction. Maybe I should just break out the Duck Nog and relax. After all, I'm a monk. I'm a man of peace.
Since we are on the topic of babes, I remember that I took a counseling theories class the quarter before the group therapy class, and there were two incredible babes in there. They were in the nutrition graduate program. They sat at another table from me most of the quarter until the last three weeks. This was the week we had to turn in the "Values Checklist" assignment. It was an assessment of personal values and priorities. We had to break up into groups, but they were in another group. My group met at my table and while everyone was talking I was looking around. I saw that the nutrition babes had left their things. One of them had placed her books in a neat stack. On top of the stack was the "Values Checklist." I perused the checklist and noticed that baby had written "sex - to make love" as her first "value." My mind almost snapped! What kind of value is that? The next question asked how frequently this value was put in practice and baby had chosen "very frequently." I almost fell out of my chair. I looked over to where baby was and tried to imagine her putting her "value" into practice "very frequently." Lord have mercy! It's a good thing I'm a monk now!
That sinister force is really beginning to torque my jaw! There's nothing that can bring a man close to violence like a jury summons! And, I have to report to the courthouse on December 26th. It's a good thing I don't have a life! Imagine if I had planned a dream vacation with some incredible babe ... well, I am a monk, so there's no problem there. Normally, I would enjoy my Bush's baked beans, but tonight I am ready to throw the can through the window. I had to pay off the rent and the credit card (with the new computer on it) with another credit card. That is about as good as a rubberized debit voucher! Fortunately, I have my emergency rap CD (RBX - Files by RBX). I feel much better!
You know, with this new three strikes law, the courts probably have a waiting list for trials. There is no way I'm going to get off, so nobody else is getting off. Everyone is guilty! That's my verdict. And, if I hear something stupid, I might just bust out laughing in the jury box. Then again, maybe I should take this legal process seriously ... I might be on the other side of the courtroom very soon!
Other guys have babes and are tearin' it up. Me ... I get jury duty. Well, as a consolation, at least now I know I am not totally invisible. I have the jury commissioner and my bill collectors paying homage to me. It does really make me see now why people are on a drunken, heathen orgy of lust. What else is there? We are stifled by this deluge of crap that piles up like useless paperwork on a desk. Of course, losers like me don't have the luxury of the lust part. I'm starting to feel like Fido (The Idiot's dog), trapped and inundated by stupidity. I am just waiting for the day Fido takes bite out of one his owners. That might be the impetus for me to break out of the ranks. After all, I'm one of the sheep looking for the shepherd. Fido may be that shepherd.
Speaking of drunken, heathen orgies, today is really the official day that marks one year of sobriety for me. No doubt, that is why the jury summons came yesterday. You know, other guys are probably tempted by babes, forcing them to resort to drinking. Can you imagine a babe like Penelope Ann Miller coming over wearing outfits like she wore in The Shadow while you are trying to stay on the wagon? Only guys like The Bull have that problem. The only person that may come to visit me is the jury commissioner. It may be time to break out the Emergency Rap CD again. Sheesh!
I went over to Big John's place last night to visit and unwittingly got my dose of the tube. In a way it's humorous as Big John has the tube up full blast (sort of like Big Foottm). Our conversations required the use of extreme voice projection. It is real interesting to watch people turn their heads continuously to the tube while trying to maintain a discussion. Well, that's the nineties for you. People use the tube to stir up subjects to talk about. Without it, there would be awkward moments of silence, and that can be deafening.
Matt was at the gym yesterday and he talked me into taking the step class. I needed it! Somehow we got on the discussion of age and I told Matt that I just advanced a year. He got excited and asked me why I didn't tell the boys. Why celebrate my growing senility? Matt wants all of us to have a combination birthday/poker night, and he said that he would order take-out Chinese for the festivities. That Matt! Too bad he can't get Amy to come over. I bet you thought I was distracted, didn't you? I just threw that in to see if you were awake.
The Bull was in rare form today as he told everyone that he was taking Christy's class because she pretty much begged him to take it. After the class, The Bull made his rounds, talking to every babe in the place. He was also displeased that his buddy and "tag team" partner, Eric, was not there. The Bull has become an even bigger legend. As far as I can see, the whole gym now revolves around The Bull.
My main goal was to find someone with a Polaroid camera. No, I am not going down to the schoolyard. I need a picture of the oversized cranium for an exam on Saturday. I asked a few of the guys at the gym and all I could get was the usual nonsense. Jimbo jokingly told me to use the police composite of Evil Eunuch. Finally, I asked one of the four Mikes, and he said he has a camera and will help me out. So, I'll have 24 pictures of the oversized cranium. That's what I've always wanted ... a complete collection of photos of my head! Does anybody else want them? I didn't think so.
I went over to Mike's place and he took the pictures of the oversized cranium, so now I'll get them developed. We ended up talking for a while about the usual subjects like babes, even though he knows I am a monk. He presented some interesting viewpoints on the babe situation, and I believe that he is one of the few guys that understand the whole process. Rarely have I heard any guy admit that the reason anything happens is because the babes let it happen. Most guys are still under the assumption that men initiate and control the outcomes. He did make one statement that stood out in my mind. It had to do with eye contact and the implicit invitation for guys to initiate conversation. Mike feels that babes become a little agitated when guys do not accept that invitation and they will go out of their way to express that displeasure. So, if a guy were oblivious to everything around him, he may inadvertently have made an enemy. These babes are very complex, far more complex than the ol' eunuch could comprehend. Anyway, the only thing I have to worry about is where I can find Bush's baked beans on sale.
The Cardinal told all of us today at the gym that he is going to be busy this vacation. His New Year's resolution is "to become huge." The Bull was extremely quiet today. He said that he spent all night tracking some stocks. Is there no end to this legend's talent? Out of sheer curiosity, I looked around to see if any of the gym babes were making eye contact with me (I had the shades on), and not one even looked in my direction. No invitation for the ol' eunuch to go over and chat with any of them! But, does that come as a surprise? It might be time for some Duck Nog.
"I don't call boys," baby said matter-of-factly.
Lou's School of Etiquette is ready to start up its Winter term. Have you ever noticed how people never want to hold the door open for anyone else? I mean, they go through extremes to insure that they will not lower themselves in the face of others. Have you noticed how people in front of you will open the door just enough so they will barely squeeze through so it will shut immediately in front of you? Or, how about when you have barely opened the door and people slip right past you? I've learned these tricks and now I use them, too. Yeah, it's great. I have another one. I walk in and act like I'm going to hold the door open for the person hot on my heels behind me, and then I let go. There is usually a thud, and then I hear, "Ouch!" Music to my ears! Seriously, it is so much easier to just be courteous.
Romero showed up today at the gym to check it out and ended up joining. I found it an odd coincidence since I was just reminiscing about Monday Night in Santa Monica not too long ago. So, now he may be added to the cast of characters. I also noticed that Jessica, who was in two of my classes last year, also joined the gym. Baby was looking pretty good in Sandra's step class. Sandra tried to persuade me to take the class, but it is a partners class and I can't be partners with a babe because I am a monk. Worse, I would be humiliated when no one would want to be my partner. The Bishop came in just in time for Yalda's class, so I did not get a chance to talk to him. I only took part of the class and left early. My mind was on other things. It seems that the PCMCIA modem I ordered is lost somewhere in UPS-Land. Woe is me! And thanks to firstname.lastname@example.org for writing in and, yes, we will be on the lookout for Loser!
As it turns out, the PCMCIA modem was returned. As I am to understand, the reason it was not delivered was that I moved. That is how invisible I am! My address has not changed, and I just ordered my computer from this firm about a month ago. Maybe that's why I don't get any mail! What next? I'll probably walk outside and find my six-four is gone because the Roach Motel management will have thought it was abandoned. Come to think of it, it does look like it's abandoned. It has no windows. I still haven't gotten around to "duck" taping some plastic bags where the windows used to be. Maybe I should trade it in. I have been looking for a 1964 Ford Falcon or Dodge Dart. They just don't make 'em like that anymore!
I was invisible at the gym today, too. All the aerobics instructors were running around begging The Bull, the Cardinal and Matt to take the quadstep class. They went to the class and I stayed and did my meathead routine and meditated between sets. I've come to realize that this is my lot in life. After all, I studied with The Master. One thing that has become apparent is the charade of the babe situation. This is a 24/7 game that never ends. Since I am invisible, I get to observe all of the so-called interactions that occur. Everything is a function of the babe situation. Babes move in patterns that put them in proximity to guys they want to meet. Guys do anything to talk to a babe who catches their eye. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this was not isolated to the gym. It is universal! Whether we like to believe it or not, that is what everyone (except monks) thinks about. Everything else is merely a distraction, a sideshow. We would like to believe that other things like career are more important. Baha! Ha! Ha! Ha! It is more correct, but it is not the truth. When you really think about it, Freud wasn't a nut. Losers, however, must depend entirely on the distractions to carry them through life without going berserk. That is why the computer industry is flourishing! Without the computer, one is relegated to a single option ... the Hermitage.
I wonder what the losers are thinking when they see somebody like that incredible gym babe, Lisa, prancing about the gym. Are they happy to see that? Or, is that just another reason to reach for the Duck Nog? Are losers content with renting a few hurdy-gurdies or makin' the scene with a magazine (any of you Tom Waits fans might remember that ol' line)? Why am I asking these questions? I should know the answers already! Well, hey! I'm a loser!
BigFoottm had a buddy over last night. They were drunk and doing the hoe-down until 2:30am. I'm surprised that they didn't wake The Idiots, especially when they were out on the balcony yelling. Of course, everyone has left for vacation today, and it is only myself and The Idiots. Mrs. Idiot has been engaged in the door-slammin' soirée, no doubt because she is cooking up the usual 12-course meal for dinner. Man, I feel like a winner! I've got it goin' on!
While The Bull was making the rounds like the true celebrity he is, I was talking with Jimbo. I told Jimbo about my upcoming jury duty, and he told me that there was a big trial coming up with seven gang members. Apparently, special security considerations for this trial include a secure location, shock restraining devices, and visual screening for the jury. It is to occur this month and guess when I am up for jury duty? Fortunately, I got to watch Homicide over at Big John's. Now I feel a whole lot better. But, I am still up in the air over the monk novice exam tomorrow. Sheesh!
There was absolutely nothing for me to do for the rest of the day. So, I bought MS-Office to install on my computer. Yes, when one is down in the dumps, what better way to raise one's spirits than to spend an exorbitant amount of non-existent money on software? That gave me about two hours of non-stop fun. But, now that the fun is over I am beside myself to find something to do. Maybe I should have just bought $400 worth of computer games.
Tom and I ended up having coffee at Starbuck's. In fact, it was pretty much a coffee day. Big John and I had coffee earlier at CJ's. I'm beginning to remind myself of an old guy sitting in the park and throwing peanuts to the pigeons. I am beginning to lose touch with my own reality. I may need to seek out The Master once again.
Sometimes I gotta wonder what I did to deserve this life I lead. Some people have bad days ... I have bad decades! I live a nice quiet, monastic existence and I am being pushed to the edge. But why? I wonder what The Idiots will say when they see my fist come through their wall one of these days. Wait a minute ... I had better calm down. I had better get back to the task at hand, and that is to sell everything that is left here. Who needs this junk? All it does is collect dust. All I need is the computer. Once I get the PCMCIA modem, I'll be good to go. I could move out of here in ten minutes ... except for one problem, this is the Roach Motel ... I can check in but I can't check out!
I tried to calm my nerves by going for a nice, short excursion. I got every red light in town, even though there were only about three cars on the road. I had to wait seven minutes a train crossing. The 96 models are still not in at the AutoMall! And, I got stuck behind two babes at Taco Bell with a $40 take out with special orders. Finally, when I arrived back at the Roach Motel, guess who just finished wolfing down dinner? That's over three hours of kitchen fun including running the garbage disposal two more times! It's a good thing that I have MS-Office now! And, thanks to email@example.com for writing in!
I have decided to put the K-Mart all-in-one up for sale. Of course, that is subject to change. I bought the K-Mart all-in-one just to entertain (and drown out) Loser. For the most part, The Idiots are quiet. It's only when it is time for them to eat or take a shower that the door-slammin' soirée occurs. Of course, it can go on for three hours like yesterday. It is all because of my nerves and my life. Now, I wonder if I would be on the edge if I had a babe? Of course, that is a moot point since I am a monk. I have too many other things to worry about like where my PCMCIA modem is. And, what am I going to do now since I missed the monk novice exam? The more I think about, the more I realize that I am a doorknob. Sheesh!
A reader recently commented that these journals have "gotten as dark as the Seattle skies." This made me wonder if the whole tone here is depressing. I have to admit that life has not been a cup of tea. I have tried to make light of the whole situation. That was the whole purpose of showcasing Loser. He is probably losin' it like you or I. I would have preferred to have been his friend, but that is the crux of our existence today. It's the same thing with the babe situation. Everyone is so worried about getting stuck with a loser that they miss out on some great people. But, that is another facet of our existence ... the need for trophies on the wall. Of course, there is the other side of the coin ... The Idiots are an example. At least I know they were a match made in heaven (or at CostCo). But what do I know? I'm a knob!
It was social hour at the gym today. The only thing I did today in two hours was the Gripper. The Bull and his partner, Eric, were telling me that the front desk babe, Rama, was after both of them. Baby is about nineteen and probably not up to the Dream Team standards. Mike (who helped me out with the pictures) tried to sell me on snowboarding. I am far too wimpy for those kinds of sports. I'm already fatigued when I reach over to turn the modem on. Well, hey! I'm a knob!
Driving should be real exciting today. Have you ever noticed how people drive during the first few days of the rainy season? There is only one way to summarize it ... sheer stupidity! Do you like it when you see these fools driving around in traffic with all their windows fogged up? I mean, what exactly can they see? And, what if they run into something? Sheesh! It times like this that I wish I had enrolled in the Skip Barber School of Professional Driving!
The gym was surprisingly crowded given the rains. Michelle, one of the instructors, mentioned that she hurt her back but she still had to teach the floor work class. She wanted a guy to lead the class so she wouldn't hurt herself any further. Naturally, she chose The Bull. Who else could fill those shoes? I took Janemarie's aerobics class so I was spared most of the nonsense today. As I was leaving, I saw The Bull in Michelle's class. He was in the front, leading the class. It was easy to see that the babes were in awe of The Bull. In the meantime, Eric (his partner) has decided to go for Rama, the front desk babe. Me ... all I get is grief! I was doing some tricep exercise, and another incredible gym babe came over and asked if she could work in as I was talking to Jimbo between sets. I said that it was all hers, and she told me, "You really look like you need to do another set." Jimbo and I started laughing, and I said it was time for me to go home. There's proof! I'm a knob!
|I brought a big bag of Santita's tortilla chips to the gym today and tried to pass them out. Nobody would partake except the Cardinal. I was eating them between sets and took them to Coleena's class. Coleena was substituting for Yalda today. The Bull arrived just in time to take Coleena's class. Everyone was wondering where he was today, but the Cardinal and I knew he wouldn't miss baby's class. I tried to pass out some chips to people in the class. I told Coleena that I was bringing some Ding Dongs next week. The Bull remained after class, no doubt in another effort to woo Coleena. He and Eric are competing as well as supporting each other in chasing as many babes as possible. They are in search of the perfect babe(s), I guess.||I told Coleena that I was bringing some Ding Dongs next week.|
The rains started up again. The lake in my six-four continues to rise. So, I went to Kragen to see what I could get to fix the loser car cover. My homey Mateo works there, so I asked his advice. If you can believe it, he recommended "duck" tape. Ain't that something? He also suggested that I hook up my exhaust to heat the lake in a six-four and turn it into a spa. Now we're talkin'!
You know, one of the things I need to do is to figure out my New Year's resolutions. I still haven't fulfilled the ones from December 11, 1979 but that's another story. One of the thing I'm going to have to do is chill out. For example, right now the Idiots are pounding away at something on the counter, totally oblivious to the fact that I can hear everything amplified two-fold because of the hollow walls. The four drawers that come as part of the Roach Motel shoebox have been slamming continuously before I left at 4pm, and this was still going strong at 8:35pm when I got back in. The garbage disposal has been run several times for three or four minutes per time. I have said some callous things about my two cylindrical neighbors and callously described their insatiable need to eat/play in the kitchen (which is 8x5 ft2) for hours. I have also done that same thing with my former compulsive neighbor, Loser. I need to move away from and transcend this stupidity. Therefore, I am doing penitence tonight by eating merely bread and water for my evening meal. If I feel up to it, I may take one of my belts and render 40 lashes onto myself as further penance for my weakness. I shall repeat this until I drive my own foolishness from my very soul! Lord have mercy!
As you know, I must always include the mandatory gym segment. I went through the motions of shoulders day to justify social hour. The Bull denied that he was after Coleena, claiming that he and Eric went shopping and got back late so that is why he arrived in time for Coleena's class. Yeah, okay. Apparently, they were supposed to take Rama, the front desk babe, along but she had a final exam. All the babes were looking for the Cardinal to persuade him to take the quadstep class. Even Myki, the instructor, came out looking for the Cardinal. She asked me where the Cardinal was but, as expected, she didn't ask if I was taking the class. The Cardinal wanted to do dinner with The Bull and I, so he left early. I told The Bull that we were going to meet at seven. He decided to take Myki's class. Jimbo and I walked over to the aerobics room and observed that The Bull had situated himself in the middle of the major babe section. He had a big grin on his face. I was talking with fellow Dream Teamer, Eric, when The Bull took a break from class. The Bull came over and Eric immediately began talking about some babes working at Burger King that they are scamming on. It is a never ending story. I told The Bull that he only had fifteen minutes before we were supposed to meet the Cardinal. He said he was going back to the class. I left a little before seven and saw The Bull tearin' it up in the class. I met the Cardinal downtown at the all-you-can-eat Chinese restaurant. The Bull never showed up, which is unusual. But, ever since the Dream Team was established, The Bull has realigned his loyalties. The Cardinal felt that The Bull was up to no good and was after some babe in the class. I could only agree as he has gone babe crazy. The Bull has been spending hours at the gym but does little in the way of workouts. Well, he already has the most perfect physique in the gym so he doesn't need to workout.
I was telling Mike (who helped me with the armadillo pictures) about what that babe told me on Wednesday. He said that babes sometimes try to initiate a conversation in a confrontational fashion. He recalled a situation where a babe initiated a conversation (more like an argument) with him, and he came to find out that she was just trying to meet him. My question was, why couldn't she just say hello? In essence, Mike told me that one can never tell what baby was up to. I laughed, because I know better. But, then again, I am so oblivious to what is going on at times especially if it concerns the ol' eunuch.
Sometimes I am just glad to be back at the Immaculate Roach with my beloved computer. Just me and my e-mail! It's too bad my PCMCIA modem is not here yet so we can be one happy family. I believe the sinister force is once again toying with the oversized cranium as the modem should have been here yesterday. Looks like I will reordering it again. Between that and "duck" taping the car cover, I can truly say that seclusion is looking really good!
The rains have started up again, and I am foolishly traipsing around in short pants. Well, hey! I'm a monk of Summer! And, as you know, it is always Summertime at the Immaculate Roach. That is why I am such a happy monk all the time. I am likened to Data's rendition of Friar Tuck (remember when Q sent the Enterprise crew back in time to Sherwood Forest?)! That's how happy I am! And, with this new year coming up ... think of the possibilities. Yes, it's out with the old, and in with the new! How many times have you heard people say that and then it's back in with the old by January 5th? That's why I am going into seclusion this weekend and sporadically throughout the remainder of this year. There is much preparation ahead as we press on in the quest for reality!
It was a coffee day all day today. I met with an
old friend for coffee at CJ's this afternoon. Then, it was off to the gym.
I stopped at the Post Office and ran into The Master. He wasn't doing anything
that evening so I told him I'd give him a call. After an uneventful day
at the gym, I returned to partake of the Bush's baked beans. After that
feast, I called The Master and we met at Starbuck's for coffee. The Master
appeared to be a little frazzled. He told me that he has been "feeling
a little restless" these days. I asked why, and he replied that he was
having second thoughts about the hermit lifestyle. He said he was feeling
lonely. Essentially, he wants a babe. He wondered if the veneer that had
once protected him was now wearing thin and if it was affecting him ...
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"I'm going to snap," The Master replied.
"I'm going to have to pay a visit to the Post Office."
The ramifications of the fall of The Master continue today. This whole thing is unnerving. I can only attribute this whole situation to the sinister force. This is the same sinister force that wreaked havoc with my psyche by playing hide and seek with my new modem. It is the same sinister force that discontinued the stocking of the lamp I wanted at Staples, which is ultimately leading to me to go blind typing this crap under my pathetic, makeshift lamp with a dim 60-watt light bulb. And, it is the same sinister force that make The Idiots as dumb as they come. Lord have mercy!
The gym was quiet this weekend. I was able to get my wimpy workout in without distraction. That incredible gym babe who told me I really needed to do another set was there yesterday and today. It is amazing to see the procession of guys that go up to talk to her. On a good day, they may have to form a line! This is what The (former) Master will be up against when he exits the Hermitage. But, that is the power of the dark side of the (sinister) force. It entices the weak with treasures never to be gotten, and the resulting fall and humiliation will forever serve as a testimony to foolishness gone awry.
The Bull has been up to his old tricks again. I found out from Eric that The Bull rounded up a couple of babes from the quadstep class last Thursday and brought them over to Eric's place to party. That is why he couldn't meet the Cardinal and I for dinner. Eric is in awe of the tremendous drawing power of The Bull. Thus, The Bull seems to want to show him the extent of that power. Eric and the Cardinal both went to the same office party on Saturday, however, and they were the life of the party from what Eric tells me. It is literally a babefest for these guys. Since this is the holiday season, many of the babes are lonely, so they give these babes the gift that keeps on giving ... themselves! The Bull must have had his hands full with a number of babes this weekend, too, but he is not saying. Eric says that many of these incredible babes do not meet The Bull's standards. He is waiting for that ultimate drop-dead gorgeous babe and, when she gets here, he is going to parade her around and shut everyone down. I don't see exactly how The Master is going to fit in this picture. The competition is really stiff. Just by coming out of the Hermitage, he will be at a disadvantage. The Master did say on Saturday that he doubted things would change. He was sure he would end up in New Mexico at the real Hermitage. I am just glad that I am an invisible monk. Like The Master, I am inept and unable to play in the big leagues. I must be satisfied with my place in life. Thus, no matter how restless we get, the bottom line is our place. What really matters is that we make the most of what we have. As the new year rolls around, we should just give thanks that we have what we have, no matter how little that might be.
Since I was restless, I decided to step out again. I went over to the Wherehouse. As I drove in, I noticed The Bull's stud car and Eric's stud truck in the parking lot. They were probably having dinner at Applebee's. That is one of the Dream Team's hangouts. From what Eric has told me, that place is a babefest and they have met dozens, possibly hundreds, of babes who frequent the place or work there. The Dream Team Empire is growing. Now, how do you compete with that?
I certainly need something to invigorate me because the slammin' soirée is pushing me close to the edge. Ironically, I must introduce more noise into the system in order to drown out the initial noise. Is it my oversensitivity to noise, others' insensitivity for people, or a society crowded together like sardines where everyone lashes out to maintain their sense of individuality? Fortunately, I still have my Emergency Rap CD! What has happened to all of us?
I took a regular aerobics and a step aerobics class so I did not get to hobnob with the regulars at the gym today. I remember when I used to do three classes in a row. Now, I can barely do two and not at the same intensity as I was accustomed to. The Bull was working out with his tag team partner, Eric. They have become very tight as they have a common goal ... search and destroy. Sheesh!
My homey Rod dropped by and left a note for me to call him. Perhaps I should plug the phone back in. Apparently, he is flying out tomorrow to North Carolina. His father just came out of surgery. He wanted me to take care of his place. I was happy to do that for him. And, I can hang out there instead of sitting here and listening to The Idiots slamming everything in sight. Fortunately, I have my emergency rap CD that I can play full blast. It's funny how the slamming increases once I put it on. What could that mean? Maybe I'll keep the K-Mart all-in-one after all.
Today at the gym, Frank came over to me to ask if I had noticed anything different about Laurie, another incredible gym babe. Since I don't notice babes, I said no. "I think she had them done," he remarked. I looked over and saw Laurie and agreed. Apparently, Laurie's "enhancements" were the talk of the gym. It was obvious that she had them done, not because they were extremely large, but because she had her wares out on display and was parading around excessively. Frank mentioned that he always thought Laurie was a babe. However, if he were single he would be too intimidated by her to ask her out. I was real surprised to hear this since Frank would be a top pick of the babes (after The Bull). Speaking of The Bull, the Cardinal said that he had talked to Eric. He confirmed that The Bull had "at least three women, possibly four." Also, according to the Cardinal, that incredible gym babe Lisa learned of The Bull's shenanigans (juggling multiple babes). She approached him and called him a "slimeball." The Bull just laughed it off.
I was planning to have the Festival of the Baked Beans for this holiday weekend, but Big Don has invited the ol' eunuch over for dinner. Some people certainly restore one's faith in humankind. Speaking of which, I'd like to thank M.L.Poulter@bristol.ac.uk for writing in!
The Bishop finally showed up today at the gym. Matt was there also and he was buying Power Bars and Gatorade for everyone. I took Sandra's aerobics class again because I am a glutton for punishment. I was too tired to lift afterwards so I did the next best thing ... socialize. I really need to get away from that because it is beginning to detract from my objectives as a monk. The Bishop, The Bull and I were talking and somehow the subject came up about that one babe who tried to jump The Bull in October. As it turns out, the Bishop told me later that he went out with the same babe around the same time. The Bishop said that baby was "very forward." Oddly, it was he who saw The Bull out with baby but he didn't recognize her then. Sheesh!
The more I hear these stories, the more relieved I am that I'm a monk. I am going to have to make some New Year's resolutions that further enhance my monk experience. Well, let's see now ... I have the vow of celibacy. How can I improve on that? I'm already invisible to babes. I'll just renew my vow even though it is redundant. So, we will have a new resolution each day until New Year's. How do I come up with this kind of excitement? What is responsible for this sheer genius? Anyway, that only proves that seclusion is a necessity. All of us here at LoserNet wish you Happy Holidays! See you whenever we are back (on-line, that is)!
Apparently, I was bamboozled into believing that this site was taking a little hiatus for the weekend. It turns out that the joke was on me, as it appears that it never went off-line. Not that I had anything exciting to write about, mind you. The Bull's Dream Team partner, Eric, told me that The Bull had two dates for Friday. That is why he wasn't at the gym. The Cardinal has also been dating heavily. In fact, everyone has been dating heavily. It makes sense. My homey Skip and I used to discuss this in the old days. I had a theory that there were two dating cycles in a year. The peaks of those cycles were in November and May, or something like that. The reality of the theory is moot, however. The cycles are more likely coincident with the pressures of Valentine's Day and Spring fever rather than true hormonal fluctuations. Oddly, this made me realize that I have never really dated in my life. The thought of it makes me ill. How is it, I wonder, that two people are able to date three or four times and then decide that they are a couple? Of course, in between dates are the endless phone calls. Both Skip and I were puzzled. However, Skip decided to enter the nebulous dating arena, and he now has a babe. Toward the end of his tenure here, he spent a lot of time trying to convince me that I needed a babe. In a way, I miss those discussions because they were humorous at best, while providing me with some insight on the curious need to find a babe. Skip knew that he hated the "game," the dating protocol, but he had only two choices ... play or spectate. Perhaps I have become anhedonic as I have no impetus for pursuing that route. I am like The Master ... all I need are cable and a recliner! Well, hey! I'm a 42-year-old virgin!
My homey Scott was in a cheerful mood for once on Saturday when I saw him at the gym. I really shouldn't call him my homey. He is merely one of my age-group peers. He apparently was festive because of the holidays. We had a short discourse on the paradox of people showing goodwill once a year. He thought it was great. I said it was a sad tribute to all and reflected poorly on our society. He dismissed me as a modern day Scrooge, as most others have. My contention is that we have the capability to display these humanistic traits all year. Why should I pat myself on the back for being nice one day in the year? One out of 365 is a very small fraction. Yet, people follow this ritual year after year. On December 26th, people will be standing in those long return lines or trying to find a bargain amidst other rude, stampeding customers. Goodwill will be the last thing on their minds. My purpose here is not to portray myself as a true cynic, but to call attention to what we are doing to each other. Yes, who am I to talk, right? But, for Scott, it was a wonderful day. Normally, he appears very moody and somewhat despondent, and I have ascertained that it is because of the babe situation. What else could it be?
My greatest pleasure this past weekend was discovering the StairMaster. Yes, this was the first time I tried it out, as there were few people in the gym. And, believe it or not, the StairMaster area is the hottest pickup spot of the gym. That's why I never tried it! Can you fathom the repulsion some babe would experience if the ol' eunuch was on the StairMaster next to her? Sheesh! For me, it is just the simple pleasure of novelty. But, hey! I'm a simple man! I am a monk. Sadly, I will only have a week of this fun before the crowds are back.
I missed the dinner at Big Don's, apparently out of stupidity. I was supposed to get details from Big Don on Friday at the gym. I remember leaving the gym, thinking that it was too bad that Big Don didn't make it in. When I got back to the Roach Motel, I saw the time. It was about 6:30pm. I had left right before the time Big Don usually comes in. What a putz! Well, at least I finally got to realize the holiday version of the Festival of the Baked Beans! And, of course, more cable!
Speaking of fun, the non-stop cable extravaganza continues! Can you imagine that The Master does this everyday? That's why he's The Master! I have also been catching up on movies. However, I can only afford to rent the dollar movies, so I am still at least six months behind the times. Aside from all the usual box office hits, I happened across one called Ruby in Paradise. Frankly, it was a rather boring treatise, that is, until I thought about it later on. Then, it struck me. Ruby's life was not so unlike my own or those of many others. It was little wonder that if I found this movie boring, then I would also assess my life similarly. Perhaps I and many others gauge our lives on standards and expectations that are like the box office hits. Not surprising, of course, is the inevitable disappointment that results when our personal movie is less like True Lies and more like Ruby. Real life isn't perfectly scripted, jaded with pristine dialogue, or developed for the purpose of having some kind of ending. It just kind of plods along in a seemingly endless fashion. I can only wonder about a sequel ... 42-Year-Old Virgin in Paradise.
I ran into an old buddy, Phil, at the Post Office today. He used to go to the gym a couple of years ago? It seems that everyone is somehow connected to the gym. The first thing he asked me was if I found a "woman friend" yet and if I was dating. I had to tell him that I am a monk now. It is interesting how the babe situation just seems to pop up.
Big Don was in the gym today, and he told me he was trying to call me for three days about the dinner. I had to tell him that my phone is now a paperweight and the only thing plugged into the phone jack is the computer. Everyone took the class today except for me. I decided to play on the StairMaster again. The Cardinal mentioned that he was in LA for the holidays to "fire" one of his babes. The Bull did not show up today and it is almost certain that he was on a date. And, I brought a box of Ding Dongs and tried to pass them out at the gym but nobody wanted any. I ate most of the box myself.
My finances (and I use that term loosely) are all screwed up again. I have been playing the balance transfer game but I got tagged this time. A transfer did not go through and I got slapped with a late charge and the 19 percent interest. Sheesh! I have decided to take out another loan and pay off the $6,000 that has been floating around now for a couple of years. I almost thought I was going to lose it this afternoon. I could feel the rage building up. I sit here calculating ways to save money (since I am hard-core unemployable), and it still ends up slipping through my fingers. Then, I look around my pathetic, empty shoebox and wonder where it all went. It's all fool's gold anyway!
My life unfolds like a movie at times, and I do quick edits in my mind to piece together the imaginary cinematic collage. From this, I have found that I have derealized my very soul into an anhedonic state. Like the common scripted formula, an unlikely ally has planted the seeds of insight. In an obtuse discussion, Mike (who took the armadillo pictures) reminisced at how he had done little when he was in his twenties, so little that he could not associate anything pleasurable with that time. Now in his thirties, he has sought out activities and interests that provide a sense of pleasure and accomplishment. "Now when I look back at those years, I can say I really enjoyed them. I can associate them with good feelings." It does seem to lend itself to another New Year's resolution. And for that, I gave him a Ding Dong. Next week, I will bring a box of Low Fat Twinkies.
I must be hooked on the StairMaster as I did an hour on it today. I could see The Bull and Eric spending hella time staring at the new front desk babe. After I finished my hour, I went into meathead central. Eric came over and he told me that the front desk babe, Rama, has the hots for The Bull. She has been asking Eric to help her by setting up something with The Bull. However, The Bull is not interested in her. So, Eric might set him up with some other babe named Kerri. The Bull joined the conversation so I asked him point blank about Rama. Apparently, The Bull may be asking one of her friends out so that is why he doesn't want to go out with baby. The Bull pointed out another babe and said that she was after the Cardinal. Allegedly, baby has been watching the Cardinal and she has asked The Bull to help her by setting something up with the Cardinal. What in tarnation is going on? My homey Paul is planning a trip to Hawai'i and he has been asking me about places to go. I should refer him to The Bull. Sheesh! All I am thankful for is that I must have got off of jury duty. To celebrate I bought the new Dogg Pound CD. This will now replace RBX as my Emergency Rap CD!
What happened to Romero? That is what I have been wondering since he joined the gym a few weeks ago. He has not been in since. Looks like Romero couldn't even wait until January 2nd to break his workout resolution. Sheesh! Of course, when he joined up he was asking me about the quality of the babes at the gym. That says it all, doesn't it?
You know, I really need to get something going here soon. I need to square away my secular life so I can get on with the business of being a monk. I need to get all my secular obligations done with and sever all ties. The longer I stay in limbo, the more crazy I am going to sound. Next, I am going to claim that I am the sinister force! A man (or monk) needs a purpose, and chasing babes just isn't my idea of purpose. Some may beg to differ, of course. Perhaps if I wasn't invisible to babes, this may have been a different story. Maybe I would be tearin' it up like the Dream Team. Even then, I wonder what sense of purpose I would derive had I skinned up hundreds of babes. Why is that so important aside from the aspect of sheer hedonistic abandon?
Speaking of the sinister force, I received a letter from the weasels who screwed up my balance transfer game. Apparently, my "pre-approved" application was not approved. This stupidity will cost me about $175 when it is done and over. That is how money is slipping through my fingers. I never see it, if you know what I mean. These weasels are sucking me dry. Maybe it is time for me to make the resolution to write that book that I have been thinking about for ages. Of course, what publisher would consider me? I may toil for hours only to end up filling the recycling bin! But, what else can I do? Cut a rap CD? Get a job? Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaa!
Some clown from MIT wrote in to chastise me for wasting time writing about Loser and told me to look in the mirror. He wondered why I wrote something so useless. I hope this clown isn't planning on being a brain donor. He just doesn't get it. It is fairly obvious that I am a bigger loser than Loser. As far as being useless, isn't that why it is listed in Useless Home Pages (probably where he saw it)? This goes to prove that being an egghead doesn't necessarily imply sentience! That is why I will spare him the embarrassment of noting his e-mail address here. But, thanks for writing in anyway! This brings me to another resolution ... I need to be able to accept criticism better. I need humility. After all, what is a monk without humility?
It was a StairMaster day at the gym. I have noticed that all of my homeys come over to talk to me when I am on the StairMaster. I think they use that as an excuse to check out the babes. The Bull did his workout and left early. I presumed that he had a couple of dates or he and Eric are going to Mango's (The Bull's club) tonight.
Later, I went over to visit Big John for our usual Friday night Homicide extravaganza. However, Big John appeared to be a little troubled. It turns out that some slimeball is attempting to extort $100,000 from him. The slimy bastard is alleging that Big John had sexually abused him 24 years ago. He has made veiled threats and has now fabricated what appears to be court documents to scare Big John into settling out of litigation. I have known my friend Big John for a number of years and know that he is incapable of those heinous accusations. It is a good thing I am a monk, otherwise I think slimeball would have had an "accident." Oddly, I perused the documents including the summons that were served and none had an official seal or any signatures (including the plaintiff's). I found that highly irregular. This piece of dung needs to be brought to justice as I know he has spent too much time on this little project to turn back now. I just hope nothing bad happens to Big John.
|If there is one thing I have learned this year it is that babes are a precious commodity used in determining the pecking order in the brotherhood of men. The acquisition of babes solely determines who shall be king and who will be relegated to pawnship. The one to whom babes throw themselves at is the chosen one ... the leader whose words are like law cast in stone. The leader must be appeased because it is only through him that the lowly ones may be given an opportunity to partake in the riches he hordes. That is the ultimate payment of respect amongst the brotherhood.||The one to whom babes throw themselves at is the chosen one...|
I fully expected The Bull to show up at the gym today as the schedule erroneously listed a class that was supposed to be taught by Coleena. The Bull dismissed my allegations as coincidence. So, both The Bull and I did an extended StairMaster Session. That incredible gym babe, Lisa, also showed up and I observed her observing The Bull. After the gym, The Bull and I went to CJ's for dinner. The Bull cleared up a few things for me. One was the fact that he did not bring any babes over to Eric's place on that Thursday night he was supposed to meet the Cardinal and I for dinner. Second, The Bull mentioned that Lisa (that incredible gym babe) thought that his method of concurrent dating was a good idea. It became obvious to me that Eric, the Cardinal and others were feeding me stories. Why should I believe The Bull? His account was much more realistic, given that he says he has only gone out once in the last few weeks. He has not even dated the babe that he has been secretive about. Granted, he went into detail about the number of babes hitting on him, which need not be substantiated. This goes without saying. Of course, I am not totally convinced of The Bull's true motivation as I am certain that it was no coincidence that brought him to the gym today. He was up to something. That something was Coleena. Which brings me to my next resolution ... I must seek the truth. Of course, that is not merely limited to the babe situation.
That is probably what happened to my old buddy Loser. Loser lost it in January and he became extremely agitated by the end of February. I would venture to guess that it was because of the babe situation. Loser looks even more frazzled this year. I would think that the pacing has really picked up. Yet, he is now an international celebrity. If he had been my upstairs neighbor again, I would say that he would probably have already appeared on several talk shows. Babes would be lining up outside the "palace." He and I would end up business partners, and we would be laughing all the way to the bank! Lord have mercy!
The gym is on holiday hours again this weekend so I went early. Tam was there. She did not appear extremely happy. She seemed to be looking around for someone. I would venture to guess that someone was The Bull. Everyone seems to think that Tam has come back because she has seen the light ... namely that The Bull was a perfect match for her. The Bull remains obstinate in his opinion of her. He will not forgive her for the misunderstandings they had, when clearly he was at fault also. She has come back for The Bull, but he will reject her out of pride. Rama, the front desk babe, was working today. It struck me, as I was on the StairMaster looking around, that almost every single babe in there was somehow involved with The Bull. They all know The Bull and swoon over him. The Bull doesn't realize the ramifications of his actions, as none of the other guys have a chance with any of the babes since all are mesmerized by The Bull's charisma and physique.
I stopped by Tom's place in the late afternoon. He said he had been trying to call me as he and Harry got together last week Friday. We ended up at Hudson's for dinner and later at the Dream Team's place, Applebee's. Yes, another year has gone by, and both Tom and I reviewed the situation. It is the same old same old.
I have grown weary of all this. Perhaps I have become weak again. I don't belong here and I know it. I am a stranger in a strange land. Thus, my final resolution ... I must make haste my departure from this strange land. It is with that I end this long year. All of us here at LoserNet want to wish you a safe and happy new year! Amidst the revelry, please take time to remember your resolutions and hopefully all of us will make a difference this coming year!
Welcome Back 42-Year-Old Virgin!
The 42-Year-Old Virgin ... Tralfaz
The Bull ... Himself
The Cardinal ... Himself
The Bishop ... Himself
And a cast of thousands!
Original Soundtrack by Kool G. Monk
The Gregorian Monks of Solesme
Presented by 41-Now-42-Year-Old Virgin Productions/WebPartners in association with Chez Loser and House of Loser.
©Copyright 1995, 1996 by the 42-Year-Old Virgin.
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