Can The Keeper keep it up? That and other questions will be answered,
albeit sporadically, as he takes the show on the road on an incredible
journey to nowhere.
Sanctus Dominus Deus Saboath
out of the Roach Motel, and leaving Convalescent City was to be the beginning
of the long trek to nowhere. My possessions will be further reduced to
fit conveniently in my six-four. I will become a nomad ... a man without
a home. I will leave all of my homeys behind, which will further increase
the anxiety of the unknown. It is a journey everyone must make. Most make
it at four years of age. I must make the journey now ... thirty-eight years
too late. However, as the old adage goes, better late than never.
Thursday June 6, 1996
Well, I had a fun evening listening to the imbeciles,
BigFoottm and Clem, drink, stomp, yell and throw beer bottles
around with the tube on full blast up in the ol' corral. This debauchery
went on into the wee hours of this morning. I don't know if it is jock
itch that causes one of the two morons to sit and pound his leg on the
floor. Maybe his garden snake wants to come out for some air. If that's
the case, I just wish he'd play the skin flute and be done with it already!
Sheesh! I stepped out to get a milk shake. Baby called just as I stepped
in the door. I was glad that she called because I was losin' it quick.
Why does baby put up with the ol' psycho?
Friday June 7
|Once again, I logged on only to have my connection
mysteriously disappear. The modem pool does not allow me access for five
minutes or so after that. The equipment must be in sad need of repair.
If one were to walk in the office, one would see the staff of nerds engaged
in a game of Myst or something like that. You see, computer nerds are milking
the system for what it's worth. They are exploiting others' ignorance.
For that, one is never paid enough. That is why it is necessary to compensate
... two or three hours pay for every hour of work. That is the high price
of expertise, as it were. I should know. Fortunately, I have a week
left here. I should begin the countdown ... seven more days!
||Computer nerds are
milking the system for what it's worth.
I finally got back to working on the book. It has
been quite a few days. The big move seems to have taken priority, but in
a psychopathological sense. I have been vacillating on what to do with
what little I have. I have opened and resealed my two boxes of stuff so
many times that I have gone through a roll of tape. It took me three days
to decide to recycle my computer shipping crates. Now, I can't decide what
to do with my broken French Press. Should I keep it? Should I give it away?
I really can't give it away since it is broken. Heaven forbid if I throw
it away. It will take up space in a landfill somewhere. The same goes for
my iron. "What if I need it?" I ask myself, although I iron my clothes
about once a year. Until these issues are settled, everything else remains
in queue. What a putz! That is why my life moves at a snail's pace.
The wait was too much for me, so I moved Lime Away
Day up to today. Mind you now, Lime Away is not for the faint of heart.
We don't use rubber gloves here! And, forget the instructions! Put Lime
Away on anything and everything ... metal, plastic, glass ... you name
it! Spread it around with your bare hands. Don't mess around with those
loser foo-foo applicators. Let it work into those mineral deposits for
a good half hour. Then, scrub the hell out of it with a green Scotch Brite
pad. All done! No more crusty minerals! Heck, use it to remove those stubborn
coffee stains from your mugs and even your teeth! I wonder what baby will
think of my cleaning abilities. Anyway, we'll be doing more cleaning as
the countdown continues.
The Bull called me last night. He told me that
Matt wanted to pay for a day pass for me to go to the gym so the gang could
be together one last time. I could not do that, given my disgust with the
gym "owner." The Bull has been playing Windows Solitaire for the last three
days. He played for three hours straight yesterday and almost missed gym
time. He mentioned that he is supposed to go mountain biking with
the weatherman's babe, Rachel. He also told me that the Bishop has been
hitching regularly to visit his babe, Lara. In fact, he is with her now
as we speak. The Bull reminded me about the Cardinal. Apparently, the night
before the BBQ last Sunday, the Cardinal was over at his new neighbor's
place helping her shave. Uh-huh. He has been partying and gettin' busy
Saturday June 8
It was a sad day as BigFoottm has departed.
Yes, he moved out last night. No more hoe-downs. Boohoo. We should continue
with the cleaning. After all, we only have six more days left. Today, we
will clean the shower and tub. I like to use the concentrated form of 409
cleaner. Add water, you say. Not here, we don't! I use it on the furniture,
too. It also tends to remove paint, but that's okay. I spray the cleaner
liberally on everything. I let it sit for half-an-hour. Then, I use a green
Scotch Brite pad and scrub like hell. Wait! That looks suspiciously like
crusty mineral deposits. You know what that means! Lime Away! Too bad it's
a plastic tub. Sheesh! Speaking of moving, I have decided to keep everything,
including my broken French Press. In case I become famous, I want that
to be part of any of my exhibitions. Yeah, right. I want to pack my broken
French Press but I still have three days of coffee left. I can't very well
use it as compost ... not at $10 per pound!
The slammin' soirée went on for over an
hour this morning. The Idiots were home having a small 30-course breakfast.
It looks certain that they will be staying on here at the Roach Motel.
After all, there are two supermarkets close by. These are the kind of people
that give humanity a bad name. Since I won't have to put up with them anymore,
I got rid of Dogg Pound. This is truly the end of an era. I replaced it
with DJ Enrie's Work It! CD. That's Power 106-FM! Good Lime Away
Only five more days to go! I've got Get Away
by Shauna Davis playing so we're ready to clean! DJ Enrie is in da house!
House it is! Today we will break out the Toilet Duck and clean the bowl.
It is very important to squirt as much Toilet Duck as possible into the
bowl. What's this? Crusty mineral deposits! Not a problem. I just squirt
some Lime Away in there, too. Can't mix chemicals, you say. Whoa! The more
chemicals, the cleaner the bowl! I let that goo sit in the bowl for an
hour. Then, I take a green Scotch Brite pad (sans gloves) and scrub
like hell. Presto! That's why it's called the porcelain god! I should mention
that I jumped the gun and cleaned the refrigerator yesterday. All I had
in there was my coffee and half-n-half since my food comes in a can à
la Bush's. Say, have you seen that new ad for Bush's baked beans on
Sunday June 9
Today was a beautiful day here in Convalescent
City, and you know what that means ... babefest! My broken French Press
is on its way to Hawai'i, much to my chagrin. I really needed a cup of
coffee. I almost broke down and bought some Fodgers (saw that in alt.coffee).
I was jammin' with some DJ Enrie when the Bishop called. He tried to act
like he was from a credit card company. After that bit of fun, he said
that he wanted to BBQ. After the call, I noticed that Fido had taken a
real liking to DJ Enrie. He was clawing at the wall and barking. The Bull
was supposed to come by. We were to hit the trail again. However, he was
detained by a grueling Windows Solitaire game. When I arrived at the Bishop's
place, both the Bishop and The Bull had changed the plans. We ended up
at all-you-can-eat Chinese. It wasn't the same without the Cardinal. After
dinner, we watched one of The Bull's many babes, Alicia Silverstone, in
The Babysitter. I left early because I had more cleaning to do.
The countdown continues ... five more days to
go! I have a few more things to do to get my six-four ready. I had to "duck"
tape the loser car cover again. I still need to change the oil, service
the transmission and get an alignment done. Sheesh! Where am I going to
get the dough for all of that? I don't want to think about that, so it
is time to clean the windows. I use some of that bathroom mold and mildew
remover. It gets rid of all that black mold growing over all the window
frames. I put the screens in the shower and scrub them. Oh no! Mineral
deposits on the glass ... nothing that Lime Away can't solve. I squirt
it on the windows liberally. I let that sit for an hour, and then I wipe
it off. You thought I was going to use the green Scotch Brite pad and scrub
like hell, didn't you? I learn from my mistakes. Anyway, that only leaves
vacuuming this dump. We'll save that fun for later.
Monday June 10
was yet another gorgeous day in Convalescent City. And, of course, there's
a cutoff jeans babefest everywhere since there was another heatwave. As
the day went on, it got even hotter. Downtown was a bustle of activity,
although I avoided being there at all costs. I took my six-five out for
an extended ride (about three hours). I ran into Billy and some of his
buddies as I was coming out of the canyon. It seemed like everyone was
heading into the canyon. Just as I got back in the door here at the Roach
Motel, the phone rang. It was the Bishop. He and The Bull were hanging
out. The Bull had just finished eating Dinner with Eric over at Applebee's.
Can you guess why they ate there? Does it have to do with babes? When I
got there, both of them were passed out. I woke them up. We went to CJ's
for dinner. I got my Fodgers fix. We then watched Dick Tracy. The
Bull did not want to watch the movie because "Madonna is a ho," as he made
clear to all of us. Look who's talking! He also decided that Alicia Silverstone
was very unattractive. There was no way she would have a chance with him.
The Bull finally just got up and left. Too much fun!
The countdown is now at only three days! It was
yet another beautiful day in Convalescent City. Summer is the nicest part
of the year here. Everything slows down to a snail's pace (my speed). There
are 20,000 less people here, too. This will be my first Summer away from
here in a long time. When it comes down to the wire, I know I will miss
Convalescent City. I will be on the road. I will essentially be homeless.
All of my possessions will be stuffed in my six-four. Of course, with a
home like the Roach Motel, the idea of being homeless doesn't sound too
bad. I have not been able to do much else except spend time thinking back
to all the years that I have been here. Were they rewarding? Or, did I
just waste my life away? The answers elude me. In a sense, I am going through
a bereavement ... a period of mourning.
Tuesday June 11
I talked to my bro last night. It has been a long
time since we last talked. I am amazed at what little there is to talk
about. We usually just end up talking shop about the home improvement stuff
he is doing for moms or gym stuff. The family had been expecting me back
in Hawai'i this month, so everyone was surprised at the change in itinerary.
My bro also mentioned that pops is starting to exhibit some Parkinsonian
symptoms. That worries me. One of the reasons that I want to return is
to spend time with my family, especially my parents. They are getting on
in years, and they don't need to put up with this nonsense of mine. I owe
them at least that.
Rather than shuffle around all day with a heavy
heart, I took my six-five out on the trail in the late afternoon. I did
my usual rounds, and then I went into the deep canyon. It was a rough ride
especially for a wimpy guy like me. I had to cut the ride short because
I wasn't carrying any water, but I was only a short distance from Cuesta
Grade. The view of the whole Convalescent Valley is breathtaking from the
Grade. One look at that view and you will want to retire ... just like
The countdown continues ... two more days after
today! I went over to Big John's last night. We ended up having an enjoyable
talk and even reminisced about old times. Strange how old times always
come up when one is leaving. On the other hand, there is nothing like waking
up to the sounds of The Idiots. This morning, they were gabbing away. They
talk extremely fast and they are long-winded. It kind of reminds me of
the old Chipmunks cartoons. It's probably because of too much sugar (read:
Ding Dongs) in their diet. Then, the slammin' soirée started. That
put me in a bad mood before 9am! I had to yell out, "Shut up, you stupid
fat krunks!" several times. Of course, the slammin' soirée only increased.
I could easily take doughboy and his thick little dumpling and knead them
into small dinner rolls.
Wednesday June 12
I was getting tired of waiting around so I took
the K-Mart to UPS. UPS wanted $120 to ship that loser entertainment center
of mine to Hawai'i. I sent it Parcel Post at the still outrageous cost
of $62! I should have sold it for $30. I would have ended up ahead. After
that, I was ready to explode. I really don't know why I am here. If I wanted
to be in Hawai'i, I should have never left there. I need to make the decision
to go and be done with it. I am getting sick and tired of living like a
homeless guy. I am sick and tired of buying and selling this crap because
I never know when I am leaving. I am sick and tired of sending that crap
to Hawai'i. Somebody please give me some Thorazine now! And, shut Fido
up before I stuff him!
I only have two more days to ride my six-five in
the canyon, so I took advantage of it again today. It was not a good ride.
I had difficulty coming back down. It was as if I knew I was going to careen
off of the side. When I returned, doughboy's fat dumpling (Mrs. Idiot)
was at it again. Give it a rest already, tubby! The situation escalated.
Mrs. Idiot slammed her door and yelled something (after I yelled when she
slammed the shower door into my wall). So, the truth comes out! The slammin'
soirée has been deliberate all along.
I checked in with my homey Tom. He invited me in
for dinner. Then, we went to the new Starbuck's for coffee. We had a pleasant
time. I returned to find that The Idiots were already asleep. No doubt,
they want to get up early to play games with the ol' loser. Fortunately,
baby called. We have had late night chats almost every night. It is always
nice to hear from baby. And, I very much look forward to my visit up north.
I decided to pull an all-nighter. All the coffee
I had at Starbuck's last night helped. I did a little cleaning and then
I logged on for a bit. However, the all-nighter didn't last too long. The
Idiots have been playing around this morning, but I have no time for their
crap. I have changed my departure date to tomorrow, so this is my last
day here! Finally, the big journey begins. I should be making a stop in
Salinas to see Caroll, and then I will hop over to Modesto to see my homey
John and his wife Julie. I wasn't sure if the number that I called was
correct. Julie called me back so it was correct after all. I talked to
her for about an hour. We had a lot of catching up to do.
Thursday June 13
The day seemed to drag on. I really don't have
much to do except say good-bye to people. The Idiots have made my last
few days a living hell. I want to get out of here quickly. There is nothing
here for me anymore. I spent the rest of the day visiting and talking with
my friends. Bonnie and I got something at the Juice Club. Then, we went
to the park to talk. She is considering joining Caroll and I up in Salinas
tomorrow night. I stopped in to see Rod and watched the last half of the
game. How about that Seattle, huh? Whop called during the fourth quarter
and I talked with him for a bit. Finally, I stopped in to see Steph and
talked for quite a while. All in all, it was a nice way to end my tenure
in Convalescent City. I feel bad because I may not be able to say good-bye
to the gym gang. I hope I will be forgiven.
The big journey starts tomorrow after I get my
final monk haircut from Ray, my barber. I will stop in at Big John's place,
and then it begins!
Everything went as planned. Baby called to wake
me up since I did not have the Time Bomb (clock). That was very nice of
her. Caroll also called to finalize my visit to Salinas. I got my monk
haircut. Then, I came back and packed everything into my six-four. I found
that I had one last can of Bush's baked beans. I put it up in the front
seat with me. My six-five attempted to give me grief when I took it apart
and stuffed it in the back of my six-four. The check-out itself went well,
but I doubt that I will get my full security deposit back. The Idiots were
home. I'm sure they were ready to celebrate with a 90-course meal once
I left. After that, my six-four and I hit the road. It was a quiet and
obscure farewell as I merged onto US 101 north.
Friday June 14
I arrived in Salinas at about 3pm. I went to Caroll's
place, and she was not home. I feared the worse. I would have to drive
to Modesto right then and there. I drove up the street to Denny's to call
her. It turned out that I had the wrong apartment. Caroll had moved about
a year ago and somehow I did not get the new address. Fortunately, she
was still in the same complex. I talked to Caroll briefly before she left
for work. Then, I spent the afternoon walking around beautiful Salinas.
Caroll's brother, Michael was already home and passed out before I got
back. I called baby and talked to her for a bit. She wanted me to find
some fresh artichokes and bring them up with me. Bonnie arrived at about
midnight. She and I went to Denny's. We came back and talked until about
We got up at about 8am when Caroll returned from
work. We spent about three hours deliberating our itinerary, which is not
unusual for us. We finally decided to hit the Steinbeck trail. It was mostly
an excuse for us to get out. Caroll was almost delirious from lack of sleep
but she wanted to be out and about with us. We ate dinner at Lyon's. Caroll's
brother works there as an assistant manager. He treated us to dinner. Caroll
also works at Lyon's, but at the Los Altos store. Unfortunately, I was
not able to pick up the artichokes. That was slightly perturbing. I will
try to find some in Modesto.
Saturday June 15
We spent the rest of the evening watching the game,
talking and watching an old Dirty Harry movie later. I called my homey
John over in Modesto. To keep on schedule, I decided to leave for Modesto
this evening. It was almost a tearful good-bye in Salinas. Caroll, Bonnie
and I are like the Three Stooges when we get together. For us, it is always
a comedy of errors. Yet, we have maintained a very solid friendship. Caroll
asked if I was apprehensive about my journey. I had to admit that I was,
but not because of my situation with baby. I am looking forward to spending
the Summer with her. Caroll offered me a place to stay in case things didn't
work out, but I am sure that everything will be fine.
Baby has mentioned several times that she always
thinks about the ol' pumicehead. I thought about that and I realized that
I think about her all the time, too. I think baby has gotten under my skin,
so to speak. After all, the whole journey now centers on baby.
The drive to Modesto was a lot quicker than I
anticipated. I arrived after one in the morning. My homey John and I
talked until four in the morning. We got up late. I spent a quiet day catching
up with both John and Julie. I also kept their son Gianni company part
of the day. He is now five years old. The last time I had seen him, he
was still a toddler. Sheesh! Later in the afternoon, I accompanied them
to a Jaycee's BBQ. After we returned, we stayed up until 4am again talking.
Sleep deprivation was taking its toll. I wondered whether I would be able
to make the final leg of my journey tomorrow. The weather in Modesto was
extremely hot, which didn't help. It was probably in the high 90s, and
I knew I didn't want to drive in that heat.
Sunday June 16
I spent the morning chatting with John and Julie.
I almost considered postponing the final leg of the journey until Monday.
After minor deliberation, I finally departed at about one in the afternoon.
All I can say is that California is huge! Sheesh! I started out in Modesto
and I was still in California six hours later. I ended up filling in gas
several times. The six-four is not an economy vehicle. I also had a Whopper
(but not my way) in Weed of all places. I finally crossed the Oregon border
around 8pm. The drive was nice, although I missed most of the scenery since
it was dusk. After a couple more gas fills, I made it up to Portland. I
was glad to see the Highway 217 sign. I arrived at baby's place a little
after one in the morning. I was about an hour late. The first thing I did
was to give baby my last can of Bush's, which had just traveled a thousand
miles with me.
Monday June 17
So it begins. I am a stranger in a strange land.
Oregon looks little like Cali. It is a nice place, but it is a far
cry from the sun and fun of Convalescent City. However, the discovery of
Oregon remains secondary. I came here to visit baby. She is the most important
aspect of this trip.
We had a late start this morning. We finally got
under way about 2pm. Our first stop was the new gym. We will be going there
on Thursday for our fitness evaluations and orientation. However, we may
not wait that long to start working out. Frankly, I am not even concerned
about working out. I knew that this was going to happen if I stopped going
to the gym. I then accompanied baby on a few errands. Later, baby made
an excellent dinner. She did offer me some Bush's baked beans in case I
wanted those instead. Home cooked meal versus Bush's baked beans? Decisions,
decisions. Forget the Bush's! I'm on vacation!
Tuesday June 18
It was raining off and on all day. I am beginning
to feel a little homesick for Cali, especially after just experiencing
the heatwave in Modesto. My six-five was sitting in pieces outside in the
rain and rust quickly developed on the steel parts. I was ready to lose
it. However, if I had to make a choice between my six-five and baby, the
six-five would have been deposited in the dumpster by now.
I have had recurring and intrusive thoughts concerning
my situation. My time is limited and I am gallivanting about like some
kind of putz. It has not been easy to enjoy this vacation because of the
impending doom. I am beginning to miss the old gang. I have no stories
to write about anymore. What is The Bull doing? Is the Bishop still in
love? And, what of The Master? I can only wonder. My confusion will lead
to my eventual demise as I am somewhat disappointed in my inability to
divest myself of the excess baggage of this pathetic life. Perhaps this
is just a flaw in my personality.
Wednesday June 19
Time is moving quickly and I have several issues
that I have put into background mode. I will be working on these issues
throughout the Summer. What will I do when the solutions come to me? Should
I mobilize immediately and initiate them? And, how will I do that when
I am here in Oregon?
We didn't do much today because baby was not feeling
too well. She seemed to have a case of the one-day flu. Baby took a nap
and felt better later in the day. She made another excellent dinner. The
Bush's baked beans seem to be fading into distant memory. We walked out
to the hottub after dinner.
It's just another day in beautiful Oregon! Baby
and I sat out by the pool for a few hours. I don't know why I was out there.
I don't need a tan ... I'm a computer nerd! Then, I went along with baby
on some errands. Later in the afternoon, we decided to go to our new gym
in Griffith Park. We did a short Stairmaster and meathead workout. I noticed
that I was still the puniest guy in the gym. Is there any place that I
can be anything other than puniest guy? Sheesh! However, I will say that
this is the first time I have ever had a workout partner during my tenure
as a gym rat.
Thursday June 20
Next came the highlight of my day. I tried to put
my six-five back together. First, the cheesy pump I purchased didn't seem
to work right. Later, I realized that I was not operating it properly.
I didn't read the instructions. Once an engineer, always an engineer! When
I finally got that resolved, I noticed that the brakes were all screwed
up. They were crooked. I almost lost it. My six-five was just seconds
away from being deposited in the dumpster. I could feel the rage welling
up. Fortunately, baby was here. She made a wonderful dinner and tried to
calm down the oversized lavahead. I also began lamenting about my inability
to upload the journal. What a putz! Why does baby put up with this? After
dinner, baby had to run to a friend's place, so I continued working on
my six-five. I got it back together almost like new. It turned out that
I got my dandruff up for nothing as usual. Baby got to see first hand what
a knob I am. After all was said and done, we went out to the hottub. The
water was cold and had a greenish yellow tint. Well, so much for the hottub
My homey John from Modesto contacted me through
baby's e-mail. That was quite a surprise, but humorous in the usual manner
that I am accustomed to. It amazes me that we have been friends for over
20 years. I was glad that we were able to get together last week after
the long hiatus. I was also pleasantly surprised to find that a lot of
LoserNet readers are e-mailing baby. The access fiasco has kept me from
uploading the journal. I almost snapped until baby calmed me down.
Friday June 21
I took the six-five out for a ride around beautiful
Beaverton this afternoon. Baby went to a meeting, so I had to keep myself
occupied. When baby came back, we went to the gym. We had our fitness evaluations
done today. In addition to losing 13 pounds since quitting the gym, I was
evaluated as being in only "fair" shape. Baby beat me out by a significant
margin in all categories. We also had the trainer plan our workout program.
The debilitated ol' eunuch will not be doing anything with much more than
five pounders. Sheesh! I was devastated after I left the gym until I realized
that I am just a computer nerd. Who needs to be in shape when one just
sits at the computer?
It was overcast for most of the day. Baby had
an appointment in Portland, so she dropped me off at Powell's City of Books.
It was huge. I needed to pick up a copy of the Writer's Market,
a book we will need when it comes time to submit the book manuscript. Baby
picked me up and we went straight to the gym. We worked out together. I
have to admit that it is nice to have a workout partner. I wear my shades
in the new gym, but it apparently does not have the same effect as it did
in the old gym. Even my gym pass has a picture of the oversized cranium
with the shades on. Well, hey! I'm a psycho!
Saturday June 22
I finally have started transcribing my journal,
although it is being done in a very cumbersome manner. I must use baby's
account to telnet over to my account. Fortunately, baby has allowed me
to do this. I have to retype everything that I have already typed. Just
log in my own account and FTP the files, you say. Well, it turns out that
there have been some changes implemented in the modem pool. I do not have
the details but I can guarantee that it is another brain donor situation.
It began to rain this morning. Rain in the summer
is an anathema to a Californian monk. We got a late start and ended up
going to the gym first. It will take a while to get these old bones used
to the regimen and rigors of exercise once again. I have not worked these
twigs that I call legs in a long time, but I have to work my legs now that
I have a partner who wants to work legs. We came back and got ready to
go to a book-signing party (sorry, not our book). Somehow our wires got
crossed and we didn't make it. Baby wanted to have the Festival of the
Baked Beans and the Festival of the Artichokes instead. Well, I'm sure
that you remember the Festival of the Baked Beans. So, what about the Festival
of the Artichokes?
Sunday June 23
Festival of the Artichokes. You must have a partner to accomplish
the Festival of the Artichokes. First, prepare two artichokes by cutting
off the end of the stems and boiling them in water. Second, prepare a mixture
of lemon juice and melted butter for dipping. Once the artichokes are cooked,
place them in individual bowls. A good place to perform the remainder of
the festival would be an outside terrace with the added ambiance of oil
lamps. Both partners should peel off the individual leaves of the artichoke
and dip the base in the lemon butter dip. Then, each partner should feed
the artichoke leaves to the other. This should be continued until both
artichokes are consumed.
Baby and I completed the Festival of the Artichokes.
Later, we had the Festival of the Baked Beans. The taste of the Bush's
baked beans brought back fond memories of my old days at the Roach Motel.
I wonder what The Idiots are doing now that their bad ol' neighbor has
I woke up at 5:30am to use the bathroom and almost
ended up lobotomizing myself. I don't know what happened but one second
I was standing and the next I was lying in the bathtub with my legs dangling
over the side. I fell into the shower curtain and it and the support rod
broke my fall but not without first producing a big crash. What could have
caused this pathetic display of clumsiness? I do not know. Maybe it was
because of these frail twigs I call legs. I had to buy a new $13 shower
curtain rod at Home Base because the oversized cranium bent the old rod
upon impact. What is even more embarrassing is that baby heard the commotion
and happened to see me lying in the tub. It is a good thing she didn't
ask me why I was lying in the tub. Sheesh!
Monday June 24
We went to the gym for a quick workout before heading
to Portland State University to meet Kevin (email@example.com).
He was in the Seattle to Portland (STP) bike race. We made arrangements
to meet there around 2pm, but somehow our wires got crossed and we were
not able to meet as scheduled. Baby and I left at about 5pm. We ate a small
snack and went out to the hottub for a while. I needed to soak my twigs
in the hope that I would not have a reenactment of this morning's fiasco.
Nonetheless, I plan to call Home Base and make sure it keeps an adequate
stock of shower curtain rods.
The rains continued. Baby had to attend a lunch
meeting so I was left to my own devices. I took my six-four out to buy
some stuff. I'm glad that I started up my six-four. It has been sitting
for over a week. I drove over to Safeway. This was the first time I drove
myself through Beaverton. I bought a whole mess of Pop Tarts. When I returned,
I ate six Pop Tarts. Then, I felt real sick. I tried working on the manuscript
but the Pop Tarts were having their way with me. You know, the more I read
the manuscript, the more I wonder whether it is worthy of publication.
Nonetheless, I am committed to it. Baby returned at about 2pm. We went
to the gym and came back to engage in the Festival of the Baked Beans.
Then, we went out to the hottub. We came back and broke out the computers.
Baby had access and I was stuck with Windows Solitaire as usual. Sheesh!
Tuesday June 25
Well, this has certainly been an interesting Summer
so far. I have been having an enjoyable time here. Most of my virtual homeys
have been writing to baby these days. I, on the other hand, have received
no e-mail. Woe is me! Then, too, I have been on-line about ten minutes
Be still my beating heart! The excitement continues
here as I wash my six-four and take my six-five out for another ride through
Beaverton. I did all of that while baby was at work. When baby returned,
we went to the gym. I have been trying to sluff off on the workouts but
baby has been keeping me in check. Gone are those days when I just didn't
go to the gym if I didn't feel like going.
Wednesday June 26
The sun came out and it turned out to be a beautiful
day. Baby wanted to lay out by the pool, so I joined her. I sat in one
of the chairs under the big umbrella because I don't need a tan. Well,
hey! I'm a computer nerd! I finally started writing some letters to people
back in Cali. I will also need to get some Oregon postcards to send
out, too. I took my six-five out for another tour again. Later, baby and
I went to the gym, much to my chagrin. It was leg day, and I didn't want
to do legs. However, I don't want to fall over again if my twigs were to
snap. We stopped off at Safeway to buy a few things including more Pop
Tarts. We also picked up a Chinese take-out dinner from the deli. That
was a delicious meal. I know, I know ... everything would taste good after
eating Bush's baked beans everyday for over a year. What do I know?
Thursday June 27
Dark clouds once again filled the Oregon skies.
I went down to the tube room of baby's apartment complex to do some work
on my beloved computer. I just cannot seem to do work at home, as it were.
There was a kid channel-surfing when I got there. After each scan, he always
ended up on MTV, staring blankly at the mediocre music videos that drone
on continuously all day. I sat at the table staring blankly at my computer
screen. Two peas in a pod. That brings me around to the topic of the day.
I have been exhibiting manic-depressive symptoms as of late. I believe
this is because I am going stir crazy. Although Beaverton is a fairly large
city, nothing is close at hand. In Convalescent City, I was able to walk
just about anywhere to escape the doldrums life of the Roach Motel. The
canyon was also a few minutes away, so I could take my six-five out in
the wilderness at any time. Here, I must imagine that I am out in the wilderness
as I dodge suburban traffic. It is ironic that I am trapped within the
confines of this apartment complex. Fire up the six-four and go, you say.
Easier said than done. I don't like driving around. I don't like looking
for parking. I can probably seek refuge in the sanctum of the tube room,
imagining it to be a variety of other settings. Will it be enough to save
my sanity? Who knows? Do I know why I am here? I think so. I know why baby
wanted me to come here but, then again, I don't know why either. We will
live out a short fantasy life until the time comes for us to part company.
I don't ever foresee baby leaving Oregon. This is seemingly where she belongs.
It is her home. I do not belong here. I don't even feel comfortable here.
Yet, I do not have a home. Perhaps it is the external uncertainty that is
building up concurrent with the strengthening of our relationship. Or, perhaps
it is all part of this journey of discovery.
Friday June 28
I spent most of the day with the Kid in the tube
room. He continued flipping through channels. I worked on the manuscript.
I could see the rains coming down again outside. Baby made some oatmeal
and raisin cookies in my absence. Later, we went to the gym to work out.
Then, we came back and had Bush's baked beans for dinner. I bought a whole
mess of the large size of Bush's at Safeway the other day. Well, hey! They
were on sale for 69 cents! After dinner, we went down to the hottub. We sat
in the hottub for an hour. When we got back, baby had to finish making her
part of a chain Amish friendship bread thing. Baby substituted some stale Crisco
butter-flavored shortening for oil in the recipe. She got some on her hands
and couldn't wash it off. We knew then and there that we would not be consuming
any of that bread. What would the Amish say about that? Sheesh! And, the
worst part is that it says, "It's digestible," right on that tub of greasy
Crisco. We then sat across each other at the table working on our computers
until the bread was done. Aside from the deep-fat fryer smell of the Crisco,
the bread looked great. My question is ... who will be the fortunate recipient
of this deadly dessert?
All I can say is TGIF! Wait a minute ... I'm on
permanent vacation. Everyday is like a Friday for me. I went back down to
the tube room. The Kid was not there. I was tired of MTV anyway. I started
working on the LoserNet supersite. It will reside on my hard drive until I
find a new home for myself and LoserNet. Of course, a supersite to me is
merely the stripping of excess carriage return characters in the text. Sheesh!
Saturday June 29
Baby came down around noon to tell me that the
Festival of the Artichokes was ready to be performed. Shortly afterward,
the Kid came in. It was MTV time again. I went back to participate in the
Festival of the Artichokes. Then, we went to the gym. During our commute
to the gym, we have been listening to a tape that baby received in the
mail. It was a talk entitled Dead Doctors Don't Lie by some guy named
Joel Wallach. Wallach purports to be a doctor, hopefully not in the same
vein as Dr. Dre. We worked out for almost three hours and came back to
celebrate the Festival of the Baked Beans. We were off to the hottub after
that. And, the crowning touch for us on a Friday evening ... sitting at
the table playing with our computers!
There's nothing like starting out the morning
with a good cup of Fodgers (saw that in alt.coffee) and greasy doughnuts.
However, by the time we got down to the clubhouse, all of the doughnuts
were gone. Baby went out by the pool. I was left to my own devices. Baby
and I had a little discussion this morning. I think that we are getting
to the point where some things are causing unnecessary tension for both
of us. A lot of it has to do with the ol' loser. I think I'm losin' it.
My life is a shambles, and I would be a fool to continue to deny that.
I have always had a difficult time forgetting the impending doom and just
enjoying the present.
Sunday June 30
Baby spent most of the day out by the pool engaged
in projects for work. I continued to piddle time away on my computer. We
went to the gym later in the day. We came back and had the Festival of
the Baked Beans again. After we cleaned up, we took an enjoyable walk around
the block, although we observed a couple of brain donors setting off some
fireworks in an empty field of dry grass. Hopefully, we will not be evacuated
later because of a fire.
got up early to make it to the Fodgers and doughnuts extravaganza in the
clubhouse. Unfortunately, there was no Fodgers. I made up for it by eating
a whole mess of doughnuts. After that feast, we left for Multnomah Falls
which is about 45 minutes east of Portland. We spent most of the afternoon
hiking up the falls and into the more remote surrounding areas before coming
back down. The lush forest surrounding the falls reminded me of Hawai'i.
The mosquitoes also brought back memories of Hawai'i. We listened to Joel
Wallach again as we drove to and from the falls. After we returned, we
went to the gym for a quick workout. The hike had been a good workout by
itself. On the way home, we stopped at Safeway and picked up one of those
whole cooked chickens for dinner. Baby did not seem too pleased. That is
understandable given that she is not used to eating loser food like I am.
We went down to the hottub after that. I just took a nap on one of the
lounge chairs. It was a long day for the ol' fossil. Baby attempted to log
to the Net on but with no success. She was so upset that she went to bed early.
There was something wrong with baby's computer, so I took a look at it. There
seems to be a problem with either the modem or MacPPP. I'm not sure.
More To Come!
Continue the adventure now ... move on to July!
The Keeper of Lost Lives: Journey to Nowhere
42-Year-Old Virgin ... Tralfaz
Baby ... Herself
And a cast of thousands!
© Copyright 1996 by the 42-Year-Old Virgin
LoserNettm Love It, or Lose It.