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		Was the return to the homeland at all what The Keeper expected? Or, has the sinister kahuna been planning even bigger surprises for the ol' lavahead? Follow the misadventures of The Keeper as he continues the search to find absolutely nothing!

Ua Mau Ka' aina Ika Pono Or Something Like That

I have been waiting 24 years for this day, and now I have cold feet. Whassup wi' dat? I have been totally confused about my existence before. Now, I am certain that I am a non-entity. Perhaps I am not ready for Hawai'i. Or, maybe I just don't want to grow up. We all look for the elusive Paradise. Yet, Paradise is an abstract concept. I will be moving to paradise, but will I really be in Paradise?

Daylight came quicker than I expected, although I was up most of the night. I packed my things while baby got ready. We had some coffee and Trader Joe's energy bars for breakfast. The drive to the airport was fairly quick. I unloaded all my luggage and my six-five and checked in. Baby went to park her car. She got back just in time for us to walk together to the departure gate. We barely had time to say good-bye, but it was a tearful one nonetheless. I boarded the plane and found my seat. I was fortunate to have the whole row to myself. I really didn't feel like dealing with anyone. When we ascended into the Oregon sky, I was able to see all of Portland. The plane headed west, and within moments I saw the jagged Oregon coastline. The last time I was there was when baby and I had the incident at Cannon Beach. I had already taken out my photo album (the one baby made for me when I left for Convalescent City in September). When I looked at the pictures, I was barely able to keep myself together. I got up and went to the restroom to weep silently to myself. I wished that we could have had more time at the airport. I vowed then that I would sell a few things immediately once I got to Hawai'i. I can always replace things. I know that I will have to return to Oregon to visit soon. The three months before baby's trip to Hawai'i will seem like forever.

You never know what you have until it's gone. The old adage has certainly struck home. I miss baby immensely. Kevin and my virtual homeys were correct. I should have stayed with baby, or I should have taken her with me. I also know that I need to spend time with my parents. Talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place. Sheesh! I didn't tell baby enough that she was very important to me while I was with her. I really can't even begin to explain my rationale. I don't mean to lament excessively. I had a wonderful time while I was in Oregon. I experienced one of the most rewarding friendships in my life. That brings me to the subject of lunch. The airline offered a nice lunch menu. I had to laugh when I noticed that the desert item was a Kid Kahuna ice cream sandwich. Well, at least the sinister kahuna is into the kama'aina spirit!

I felt somewhat elated when the island of O'ahu came into view. That was short-lived, however. After the plane landed, I gathered my luggage and my six-five. My sister-in-law met me there. I picked up my rental car and drove home. The drive was uneventful as Honolulu did not seem particularly attractive to me. I called baby later and we talked briefly. She seems to be doing much better than I am. I talked to moms for a while. Then, I cleaned out all the stuff I have stored here. Most of it is going to Goodwill. Moms heated up leftover Lau Lau for dinner. That was thoroughly enjoyable. I talked with my bro. It was during the course of this discussion I discovered that our phone line is not set up for touch-tone service. Therefore, there is no way I could ever get on-line. The bro also related to me about how he tried to get moms to install an answering machine. Obviously, he was not successful. I was about ready to lose it.

I slept for about an hour total last night. Needless to say, I was delirious. I did manage to send a small package of coffee and candy to baby along with a letter. I called a discount travel service, and I managed to make airline reservations to return to Oregon. I have until tomorrow afternoon to pay for them. The clincher is that I would be leaving for Portland four days from now and I would not return for almost three months. Decisions, decisions. Moms and I went to Ala Moana Shopping Center. We looked around and later had bento lunch at Shirokiya. On the way home, we stopped at Foodland. Moms forgot to buy a few things so I drove over to the Kuapa Kai Safeway to get them and also to find some granola. I found the ones that were hard as gravel and opted for the Quaker Oats brand instead.

When the bro returned from work, he restored my monk haircut ... well, he sort of restored it. He added his own brand of creativity. Let's just say that the ol' lavahead's hair is short again. I called baby to see what her opinion was about the trip. She managed to point out the obvious ... why did I go to Hawai'i in the first place? Ultimately, the decision will be mine. After dinner, the bro and I went to check out cellular phones. I believe that I found a good deal and will make the final decision tomorrow. The bro and I spent the rest of the night reminiscing about many things like the origin of my old desk lamp (which still works, by the way). We also talked about family matters. In the back of my mind, I wondered about the sanity of making the trip back to Portland. Moms and my bro both think it is a stupid idea. I am beginning to wonder about what I will do after baby's trip here in March. The dumb part is that I still have not released my six-four from custody ... errr ... I meant the port. Sheesh!

I printed out my manuscript of The Loser Living Upstairs and my résumé last night. Now, which do you think is more valuable? Which one will get me a job? Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaa! Oh boy. That is not really a funny situation, is it? I finally got some sleep last night, although I woke up with a massive headache. I took moms to Kahala Mall to pick up some things since this was the last day I had the rental car. My bro took a long lunch break to pick me up when I returned the car to the airport. We drove out to Sand Island and missed the Matson gate. So, we took a short tour of the park at the end of the man-made island. We finally found the right gate. Within minutes, I was in possession of my six-four. It was pretty dirty. I got a free car wash voucher from Matson. I drove there just to find out that it was closed for lunch. So, I drove back home and washed my beloved six-four immediately. The GTE cellular phone guy came by, and I signed up for a year. My free phone ended up being the NEC model. Well, hey! My beloved computer is an NEC!
 

It rained most of the day. Yes, I washed the six-four out in the rain. The skies were dark gray. That was inspiration enough for me to run down to the discount travel agency and purchase my tickets. Yep, I'm off to Oregon again! Did you know that GTE is a cellular provider in the Portland area? I also stopped in the offices of my new insurance company. I had to obtain a "proof of insurance" card. I need that to get a safety check, which I need to get my permit in lieu of the normal registration. Hawai'i requires that I get this done within 10 days of the vehicle's release from port. Baby called tonight. We discussed our plans for the next three months. Looks like she will be an active cast member again!

Yep, I'm off to Oregon again!

I took my six-four in for the safety inspection. For $15.31, a brain donor basically checked to see if my lights and horn worked. I then drove to Ala Moana to the Satellite City Hall to get my six-four registered. It only cost $5. However, I have to paste a huge permit sticker on my bumper. My six-four was running bad, so I fiddled with the mixture screws. It also has been burning a lot of gas. When I returned home, I decided to wax my six-four and prepare it for essentially three months of storage. I happened to be standing next to one of the rear wheels when I felt heat radiating from below. I realized then that I had been driving around with my parking brake on. I never use the parking brake because the warning light doesn't work. One of the brain donors at Matson must have set the brake. Speaking of Matson, it is planning on raising shipping rates across the board in February. This means that the cost of living in Hawai'i is going to rise proportionately. Not good news for those who want to move there.

My bro and I went to the new Circuit City in Pearlridge this evening. He was looking for a car alarm. I wanted a case for my new cellular phone but it wasn't meant to be. When we returned, we spent the rest of the evening talking. No wonder I am not getting anything done! Today was such a nice day. It's hard to believe that it was raining and gloomy yesterday. I neglected to mention that I unboxed the Time Bomb (my old clock). I also found Mr. Potato Head, but I put him away again. Well, I have a little over a day left in Hawai'i. I should be worried about my inability to find a job. No, not even! I am more concerned about having lost all of the LoserNet readership. Sheesh!

I printed all of my employment queries this morning and sent them off. Moms rode in my six-four today. I am not sure if she was too impressed with the open-air feel of my six-four. She needed to get some errands done at Koko Marina. She also treated me to lunch at Yummy's, a great Korean fast-food joint. It started pouring after lunch. Moms had a meeting to go to, so I unboxed my K-Mart all-in-one entertainment center. This was the first time I played with it since I shipped it here before Summer. I tuned into Smooth-FM. Yep, there's even a Smooth-FM here! Sheesh! While I was preparing to go to the Post Office to mail some postcards and also to the recycler with some paper, my bro came home from work. He decided to join me for the ride. I sent postcards to The Bull, the Cardinal, The Master, Mike (who took the armadillo pictures), and Skip. Little do they know that I'm heading back to the mainland tomorrow. Yowza!

I discovered that moms keeps two pictures of the ol' lavahead next to her bed. One is of the stoneface holding a rabbit at Uncle Nobu's place. And, the other is the picture of the ol' pumicehead in San Francisco, the very same picture that baby had chosen to frame. I think moms had been waiting a long time for me to return home. Now, I am leaving again. I had neglected to even give her a phone number after I left Cali. This time, I made sure that I gave her my cellular number. She is probably worried that one day I will not come home. My bro and my sister-in-law have got it too good. Moms cooks, cleans, does laundry and even makes their bed. Sometimes she cooks a variety of entrées because somebody does not care for a particular entrée. The whole house also looks like a playpen for my nephew. There is not much I can do about it. I find the trend disturbing, and I know where it's heading. If baby were to move to Hawai'i next Summer, there will be no way that we could stay here very long. I don't mind, because it would be an imposition on moms. I just can't see moms cooking and cleaning for two more people. Well, at least the sinister kahuna didn't toy with the oversized cranium today.

I go up early and began packing. My bro went to work, but he said he would be back in time to take me to the airport. While I was packing, my sister-in-law asked me to move my six-four because the garbage guys get upset if they have to maneuver around a car parked on the street. Apparently, they never heard of a steering wheel. So, I parked in the driveway behind my sister-in-law's car. Moms then asked me why I parked there, since they were going out shopping. So, I moved the car back out on the street. About an hour later after they went out, I heard the garbage truck. So, I ran out to move my six-four. I didn't want to park it in the driveway because I would have to move it again. I gave up and just drove it onto the front lawn. That's what we call the Hawai'ian Style of doing things. Sheesh! Fortunately, baby called. She was anticipating my arrival and will meet me at the airport. My bro got caught up in traffic, so we had a late start to the airport. We made good time. The check-in line extended out the door. My bro went to find parking. When he got back, I was still in line. It took another 45 minutes before I got my baggage checked. By this time, it was almost last call. We practically ran to the gate. I barely had time to say good-bye.

The plane was crowded. I was surprised. I thought that most people would be heading in the opposite direction. I sat in one of the center seats. Fortunately, I had no one sitting to my left. I was able to use my beloved computer. The trip was fairly short. I guess I am getting used to this flight, eh? I think moms was not very happy that I left. In a way, I broke my own promise to spend time with moms. I think moms is excited about meeting baby. She won't show it. She didn't seem excited when I came home on Monday. She must know that baby is someone important to me or important enough for me to fly back to Oregon so soon. Our flight was a little late. Baby was waiting for me at the airport. I was happy to see her again, but I was feeling even more unsure of my decision. So, here I am ... back in Oregon again!

Fodgers and doughnuts! I bet you thought that you would never read those words again, didn't you? My first day back in Oregon was pleasant. Baby and I ventured out in search of the elusive cellular phone case. Baby also did some shopping. We stopped in Starbuck's for a cup of coffee. Later, we went to the gym. Dinner consisted of Trader Joe's beans and canned tuna. This is what I call livin' large in a small way!

I am still a little distressed about my decision to return here in less than a week. I'm beginning to see a pattern in my behavior. I do not wait for the dust to settle after it gets stirred up. It seems to be in my nature to lead a transient lifestyle. I don't think that I am comfortable being settled anywhere. I have also gambled foolishly with my future and now I am down to the wire with nothing to show for it. I need my book to be published. That's all I have left. This is, of course, about as foolish as spending my life savings (if I had any) on Lotto tickets. You know, in life there are dreamers and there are visionaries. The difference between the two is the fruits of their labor. Where do I fall, do you suppose?

Today was a nice sunny day. I spent my time playing with my new cellular phone. Those old habits keep coming back like a bad sitcom, eh? Baby drove out to work in Sandy. She wants to develop a larger clientele to make more dough in order to facilitate her planned move to Hawai'i in June. Baby's daughter came home from school and was surprised to see me back. I helped her do her homework until baby finally returned from Sandy. We went out shopping later, and we also did some investigating at the B. Dalton and Barnes & Noble bookstores. We checked to see which publishers were printing a certain genre of books. Then, we looked in a publisher's directory to locate the names of the editors. Perhaps now we can get going on these book projects. This is the poor man's way of finding out information.

You know, sometimes it does seem like my life is the contrived work of several brain donors. I can assure you, dear readers, that this is real ... all too real. Yep, you are here with me every step of the way. Who could make up stuff like this? Finally, thanks to mdosen@pepper.com, chesson@scsu.ctstateu.edu, jedaley@zd.com, annabell@pjmi.knaw.nl and Annie (who did not include her e-mail address) for submitting comments through the LoserNet forms!

Baby and I have decided to revise our daily schedule so we can get more things done in a day. For one thing, we plan to go to the gym earlier so we can increase the number of days we go there. Lately, we have only been going twice a week. So, we went there for an early afternoon workout. We also ran a number of errands. We stopped in at Kinko's to get the hourly rate for using the computers. Since I don't have my printer here with me, I will need to rent computer time to complete my first book project. Finally, we went to Trader Joe's for the usual necessities. Unfortunately, we have not watched Rocko's Modern Life for the last two days. No wonder I feel as though something is missing. Sheesh!

I have yet to receive any calls on my new cellular phone. I carry it around all day, just like all the other putzes I see doing the same. My phone is getting scratched up because I have not been able to locate a case for it. The main reason I have a cellular phone is to insure that I do not miss any important job prospects. Oh brother. If only I had just resigned myself to apply at Burger King, I would be making Whoppers for you (your way, of course) as we speak. Instead, I chose to make my life more difficult by thinking that I could find something better. I only have myself to blame, I suppose. I have discussed my concerns about my first book venture with baby. I have expressed uncertainty about my capability to make sound decisions, so baby and I have been working on this project together. Baby suggested that I send queries to the larger publishers and submit the manuscript to the smaller ones. Sounds good to me. My goal is to finish this task by week's end.

My unscheduled return to Oregon has generated quite a bit of response through the LoserNet forms. I think the readership is back up to seven people again. Whew! For a while, I thought no one was reading anymore. Thanks to my virtual homey kafka@paranoia.com and my homey John (jdangelis@gnn.com) for sending in comments! By the way, John is planning to introduce IboNet to the Web. John and I go back a long way. If only I could reconstruct the journal from those days. With characters like Ibo, the Freeway, the Mummy, and the Big O ... Ho boy!

Well, my beloved cellular phone has still not rung even once yet. Whassup wi' dat? Things are looking grim for the ol' lavahead. What happened to all those employment agencies I wrote to? Everyone probably had a good laugh before throwing my résumé into the shredder. Baby and I went to the gym, even after a late start. I may actually get back into the gym routine. Later, baby had to visit a friend down the street. So, her daughter and I watched Rocko's Modern Life in the clubhouse. We went to Egghead Software after dinner, but it wasn't much fun. Perhaps the stress of life is finally getting to me. My only excitement was taking the recycling stuff out to the bins. Sheesh!

Baby mentioned that her ex-husband suggested a reconciliation while they were shopping for gifts for their daughter last week. In support of that idea, he indicated that their daughter was saying that she wished they would get back together. Interestingly, baby's daughter wanted me to read a book she had called Hatchet. It's a kid's book, but part of the storyline deals with a child's painful view of divorce. I won't go so far as to jump to conclusions yet. I just hope that there is no hidden meaning behind this book. Divorce is not something I take lightly. I, myself, am a product of a broken family, so I can empathize.

Baby called the publishers that we were interested in submitting my manuscript to early this morning. She was able to verify the names of the editors. Then, she left for work in Sandy. I was left to my own devices, and so I worked on the materials for the submissions package. I have to include postage-paid return envelopes with the submissions in order to get my manuscript copies back as well as the decision on whether it will be published. I found it humorous that I have to pay the postage for the slam letters. I got my first call on my beloved cellular phone. It was from one of the many employment agencies I contacted while I was in Hawai'i. No job prospects yet. Are we even surprised? Speaking of jobs, the LoserNet reader poll so far shows postal worker as my preferred job with Burger King hamburger engineer a close second. Baby was late coming back from Sandy, so I watched Rocko's Modern Life with her daughter. There was a little dinner party in the clubhouse, so we all went there and chowed down. Later, we went back down to the clubhouse to watch Star Trek: DSN.

I received a letter from moms. She still appears to be a little concerned that I left Hawai'i so quickly. My bro is taking care of my six-four. My nephew has noticed that I am not there. Moms also sent the classifieds. The jobs are still few and far between, which means that I will still have to waste paper and send out employment queries. I called Hawai'ian Airlines to find out how much it would cost to change my return date. It was a whopping $100! That is how much it costs for some duffer to enter new data in the computer. Sheesh! And, many thanks to buzzy@nym.alias.net for writing in!

I spent most of the day putting the finishing touches on my manuscript submissions, and composing employment queries. I cannot believe how much time it takes to put these things together. The worst part is that my efforts will all be in vain. Baby had to drive out to Sandy again. She returned late in the afternoon. After a late lunch, we went to Kinko's to make copies of the manuscript and to print out the cover letters. It was almost a comedy of errors, and I was losing it. Fortunately, baby kept me calm. When we arrived back at home, I found that the bottom of the box that contained the manuscript copies was wet. We had inadvertently placed it on a leaky bottle of window cleaner. I was really ready to lose it then. However, the damage wasn't as bad as it looked. We went to the gym for a distraction, although I was not in the mood. After the gym, we went to Burger King for Whoppers (our way, of course!). Then, we were off to Kinko's to recopy the damaged manuscript pages. To top off the evening, we had coffee at Starbuck's. I was much calmer by then.

Tomorrow is the big day. We will be taking the manuscripts to the Post Office to mail them off. I am a little nervous about this. What if it doesn't get published? Yet, I am also relieved. Now I can get on with other projects, like trying to find a job. Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaa! In actuality, I never even considered publishing this particular piece of work. It was baby who suggested the idea because she thought that it would be a good trial run. We will be able to learn what it takes to get our collaborative effort sold.

The morning started out with Fodgers and doughnuts. Then, we were off to the Post Office to mail the manuscripts. I don't know why, but I was very apprehensive about sending them off. I have placed too much faith in the belief that writing will be my salvation from the real world. In a sense, I have become a dreamer. I also mailed my employment queries. One was for a job in cellular phone sales. Can you imagine me selling cell phones? I think I would rather make Whoppers at Burger King. Speaking of cell phones, baby and I stopped in at GI Joe's and I was able to find a nice leather case for my beloved phone. It was on sale! Baby had a few errands to run, so da boy was left to his own devices. We went to the gym for a quick workout and spent the rest of the evening convalescing. I was still feeling the residual anxiety from mailing the manuscripts earlier. Somehow it just felt like I could have done more to make the package more presentable. That is all water under the bridge now. Also, thanks to kafka@paranoia.com and Annie (I know the e-mail address now thanks to a hint) for the publishing tips!

You know the drill ... Fodgers and doughnuts! I sat around and lamented the plight of the ol' lavahead until it was time for baby and I to go to the gym. We did a short workout, since the gym was closing early for a staff party. We were beside ourselves to find something to do, so we ended up going to Trader Joe's. I bought some junk food. We came back just in time to watch Star Trek in the clubhouse. I was not in a particularly good mood all day. I don't know why. I feel as though I have nothing to do now that the manuscript has been submitted. I began to feel guilty that I was not in Hawai'i doing what needs to be done. Exactly what I need to do has yet to be determined. I have sent out my queries to employment agencies, and I am responding to the classifieds when I see anything I qualify for (which is few and far between). All I can do is sit with my beloved cell phone, and wonder if it is even working. At least I know I am not alone! Many thanks to the Chicken Guy (cguy@nrv.net) for consoling the ol' lavahead!

I had a dumb dream last night. I was back at the Roach Motel. My six-five was in the middle of the ol' shoebox. It was really quiet, and I thought that The Idiots had moved out. I looked into their window, and saw that all their junk was still there. Then, I woke up. Sheesh! Baby and I had a minor incident today, which left me wondering if I am truly at wit's end. I am sure that the anxiety is what is fueling those dreams and bringing me close to the edge.

I sat on the couch in a stupor for most of the day because baby had to drive out to Sandy once again. We had a very late lunch when she returned. I had just resumed my position on the couch when my beloved cell phone rang. I jumped to answer the call. "Dad?" asked the voice on the other end, obviously some kid who has not figured out how to use a phone yet. Sheesh! I scurried around like a roach and called 6-1-1 in order to get a credit for the call. Otherwise, I'd have to pay roaming charges as well as long distance rates. Of course, since I am in roam mode, I reached the Airtouch Cellular service line. I then had to ransack my briefcase to find the number for GTE Mobilnet, my service provider. I think I need to get Caller ID! After this traumatic experience, baby and I decided to go to the gym. Naturally, baby's car did not start. I had to push the car four times, and push it back when it didn't start. It was raining and the asphalt was wet. My gym shoes were slipping on the pavement. Finally, a neighbor came to help. I had my workout completed before I even made it to the gym. Fortunately, the highlight of the night was our weekly reading of my competitor's journal. Lately, I have been reading it aloud while baby does her nails and plays Mahjongg on her computer.

I jumped to answer the call. "Dad?" asked the voice on the other end...

Baby had a lot of errands to run today. I went along for the ride. The first stop was at StartMart. Baby's ex-husband paid to have the starter replaced, which was a nice gesture on his part. Later, baby and her daughter went out to a couple of parties. I stayed in. Well, hey! Just call me Ebenezer Scrooge! I have not joined in the festivities of the holidays. I do not celebrate this time of the year for a variety of reasons. That would seem odd for a man who called himself a monk. However, I do not wish to proselytize on the cynical aspects of the holidays. I just seem to find that the real spirit of giving is missing. People expect too much. And, why is it that people only allow themselves to be nice to others once a year? There are endless material gifts strewn about, the novelty of which will be worn out in a matter of hours. Overall, there is nothing that can substitute for the gift of friendship or the gift of caring. That is something we can give all year round and it costs nothing. Why is it that people choose to call or write to each other only once in a year? I know several people who have told me that this is the worst time of the year for them. They slump into deep depression. It is called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD?) in clinical circles. Those who have no one to exchange gifts with or to open present with are left feeling like social outcasts. To me, that is consumerism gone awry. I hope that none of you are in dire straits this holiday season. For all it is worth, please know that your virtual homey, the ol' lavahead, is with you in spirit! And, all of us at LoserNet hope that you have a safe and pleasant holiday!

Baby and her daughter returned from the party a little late. Unfortunately, ever since I went on the wagon, my nose has become extremely sensitive to the smell of alcoholic beverages. Thus, I knew that baby had a few drinks. I also could tell that baby was a little buzzed. I am not one to become "holier than thou" after quitting a bad habit, so I did not discuss the matter much further. I just played with my beloved computer. Well, hey! I'm a computer nerd!

I have continued to experience strange dreams. For some reason, Heather (the stalking "victim") was in one of those dreams. She moved in next door to the ol' lavahead after she called the cops on him. Then, she came by to visit. I woke up in a cold sweat. Sheesh! What next? Am I going to dream that I am in a nefarious carpool with my old carpool buddy, Clare? Am I initiating some kind of closure with my past? Or, is the sinister force toying with the oversized cranium?

Baby and her daughter enjoyed exchanging and opening their presents this morning. I continued to read the book, Hatchet, that baby's daughter had lent me. Initially, I thought that there was some kind of hidden meaning behind the gesture. Now, I'm not so sure. The story is compelling in its own right, as it makes one realize that anger, self-pity and despair can take a backseat to the nature of true survival. I, myself, have continued to succumb to the machinations of the sinister force. The constant debilitation has fatigued me. I oftentimes feel as though I can no longer go on. Yet, I have been a fortunate soul. My sheltered life and my limited experiences have been somewhat fulfilling. I have learned much. I have aged and matured, but I still have much more to learn.

Speaking of baby's daughter, she was surprised to learn how old I was. I guess my new monk haircut fooled her. However, she does not like the monk haircut. She told me that it looked like I was "bald with a black top." She wanted me to include that quote here. Ho boy! I spent the rest of the day playing with my cell phone. I was trying to drain the battery completely before recharging it. I think I am becoming a phone nerd, too.

I went along with baby to Washington Square Mall. The mall was packed with people. She had some gifts to exchange. Much to her chagrin, most of the clothes were no longer in stock. Yep, the Spring fashions are already coming out. While we were in JC Penny, my beloved cell phone rang. It turned out to be a brain donor from GTE Mobilnet in Hawai'i. He acted like he was confirming my service agreement and said that I would be credited for the call. He really wanted to sell me more service options. I told him that I was in Portland, and then I asked if I would be paying for the call since I was in roam mode. My brain donor buddy was not sure. What a maroon! We stopped off at Trader Joe's to pick up more granola. Then, we stopped in at Egghead Software. I think I am getting tired of Egghead. What? Say it isn't so! Perhaps it is because I cannot afford to buy anything. Baby and I went to the gym, only to find out that it closed early. So, we went to Payless Drugs and to Safeway to buy toothpaste and other things. It was a mind boggling experience to say the least. I needed the Crest Tarter Control with Baking Soda and Fluoride in Fresh Mint Gel toothpaste. There are several different variations on this theme. I had bought the wrong one the last time (no baking soda). Sheesh! Fortunately, we made it home in time to watch Star Trek: DSN in the clubhouse. I even did a mediocre workout on the treadmill. What a life I'm having!

 The sun came out for a short while. We enjoyed the Tanzanian Peaberry coffee that baby got at Kobos Coffee Company. Baby had more gift exchanges to do, so I accompanied her. We had lunch at Burger King. Whoppers, our way! I forgot to mention that we also had Whoppers for lunch yesterday, too. Baby had a few more errands to run, so we were out pretty late. We went to the gym, and then called it a day.

Moms forwarded my car insurance paperwork. I read about all the other options I could tack on (for an additional charge, of course). What a racket! As much as I love my six-four, I don't think I want to keep shelling out all that dough. Sheesh! I surmise that the manuscripts have reached their destination by now. I can only keep my fingers crossed at this point. Kevin (voyager@seanet.com) wrote and offered to be a double for Loser, if and when the manuscript gets a movie deal. Well, I sure hope that The Loser Living Upstairs gets published because I have not even received a single slam letter from my employment queries. That's why I am hard-core unemployable! Also, thanks to my virtual homey, Mike (Slepyhed@aol.com), for writing in!

 I had a late start because I was feeling a little groggy. The last time I felt this groggy, I fell into the bathtub and broke the shower curtain rod. Sheesh! Fortunately, I was able to get a direct infusion of robusta juice (Fodgers). Baby and I went to Safeway to buy some Chinese food for lunch from the deli. After lunch, we decided to print out the manuscript for our novel. We want to finish editing it so we can send it off to the publishers soon. The printer took several hours to print less than half of the text. The cheesy printer was overheating, so we called it a day. Baby had to visit a client, so I was left to my own devices for a couple of hours. Later, we went to the gym for a short workout. I was fully recovered from a little mishap yesterday. I had dropped the bar on my crotch when I was doing the incline bench press. Fortunately, no one else saw any of that. We had a combination of Bush's Chili Magic and Bush's baked beans for dinner. No, we didn't mix them together. That was a feast for a king! For some reason, I always read the Bush's can when I am eating directly from it. This time, I noticed the company address on the label. I will be writing to Bush's soon to inform the company of its importance to LoserNet. I'm sure the Bush Brothers will be impressed. Yeah, right.

My beloved cell phone has not rang since the other day. Sometimes I have to check to see if it is still working. At least I have the holidays to blame for the lack of calls. Everyone is on vacation, I keep telling myself. I know better, though. I am sure those employers can see that I am not a team player from my résumé alone. Maybe I should give my number to The Bull. I am sure that he would love to tell me the excruciating details of his amorous exploits at my expense. Sheesh!

Fodgers and doughnuts! Well, not exactly. I had two cups of Fodgers. It made my stomach upset, so baby brewed a pot of Tanzanian Peaberry. What a difference! Baby and I continued printing the manuscript in the computer room. Several hours later, it was done. Baby's friend came by to visit just as the last page printed. By that time, I was back on the Fodgers. Well, hey! I'm a coffee nerd! I watched Baywatch with some of the kids in the tube room. After her friend left, baby and I went to the gym. We rushed back to watch the last part of Star Trek: Voyager in the clubhouse. Then, it was time for Pacific Blue. Why can't I do those stunts with my six-five? The rest of the evening was spent on the computer. Baby did her e-mail thing for a couple of hours, and I just played with Windows File Manager.

The new year is just around the corner. Have you made your resolutions yet? I am not planning on making any New Year's resolutions mainly because I know I will not be able to fulfill them. Take for example Non-Resolution Number One ... get a job. Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaa! Oh boy. Sometimes I just crack myself up, if you know what I mean. Yes, it is hard to believe that another year has gone by. And, you have been right here with me! This has been quite a year, and I am not sure if I will ever recover from it all. Finally, I would like to thank my virtual homey Josh (joshm@rga.com) for writing in! I am glad to hear that he is alive and well since I had not heard from him in a long time.

The Bull has a babe! That's right! He finally found a babe who met his specifications. The Bull, the Cardinal and Mike (who took the armadillo pictures) wrote back to the ol' lavahead. I was surprised to see that Mike was still in Convalescent City. The Cardinal mentioned that The Bull has not been going to the gym as much because The Bull is in love. Matt now has two kids, and the Bishop is still looking for a babe. Of course, the Cardinal neglected to mention anything about his antics. There have been no all-you-can-eat Chinese dinner nights since I left. I was very happy to hear from everyone. However, all of the vital information was missing. Who is The Bull's new babe?
 

The rest of the day can best be described in Steph's terminology. I was in a funk. The weather has been bad for the last few days, but I cannot really say that I am affected by it that much. Frankly, I hardly notice that it is cold, dark and raining most of the time. I still wear my shorts. I have been more affected by my phase of life. I believe that I am going through a mid-life shockwave. No, that's not a new Netscape plug-in. I think my situation has finally hit home. I have run out of options and I will eventually run out of time. Feeling like a caged rat, I often find myself striking out at anyone and anything. My new insurance company has threatened to cancel the policy on my six-four because I haven't submitted the written application in a timely manner. Never mind that there is an additional four day delay because my mail is being forwarded from Hawai'i. Baby was gone most of the afternoon because she had to pick up her typewriter that she loaned to someone. I had nothing to do since the computer room has now become Wolfenstein central. We went to the gym fairly late. I was not in the mood for a workout, so I did the bare minimum. We left again around midnight to go to Kinko's so I could print more employment queries. And, my beloved cell phone did not ring today. Fortunately, I was able to read my competitor's journal aloud while baby played Mahjongg. Baby was in a funk today, too. She was not able to sleep last night because of an e-mail flame war that erupted over the structure of an organization that shall remain nameless. Baby has been heading the local chapter here in Portland. She got up at 4am to send off responses. If it had been me, I would have deleted everything and slept like a baby.

I believe that I am going through a mid-life shockwave. No, that's not a new Netscape plug-in.

Unbelievable! It is already the end of another year! Sheesh! Time sure flies when you are having fun, eh? Well, rest assured that the fun never stops here at LoserNet! However, the access stats are down once again, though. I estimate that I may have a total of six readers now. Well, that's better than I had originally thought. Woe is me! I continued working on my employment queries, and I also replied to the old gym gang. We need to know who The Bull's babe is! Of course, not everyone wants to know. Imagine, if you will, a whole world of babes who have been catapulted into major depression because of this bit of news. How many hearts have been broken by The Bull?

Baby spent most of the afternoon helping me preparing my queries for mailing. I was relieved when we dropped them off at the Post Office. We nearly had a fender-bender due to a brain donor in the Post Office parking lot. We went to Trader Joe's to replenish our granola supply. Then, we stopped off at Office Depot to look for a new ribbon cartridge for baby's typewriter. We walked next door to Border's. I always enjoy browsing in that store. I am amazed at the sheer number of new books that are out. Both baby and I hope that one day we will have a book or two on those shelves. Border's also carries music CDs, and there are banks of listening stations. I listened to the new Enigma CD, Le Roi Est Mort - Vive Le Roi! It was very similar to the first Enigma CD, complete with chant soundbites. Perhaps it is my fascination with monastic chant, but I was drawn by its meditative quality. We did not do much else for the evening. I do not like being out on designated party nights. It is no longer conducive to my lifestyle. Well, hey! I'm a knob! I hope that all of you enjoy a safe and fun New Year's Eve!

Continue the adventure now ... move on to January!

The Keeper of Lost Lives: Paradise Lost

Starring:
The Keeper of Lost Lives ... Tralfaz
Moms ... Herself
Baby ... Herself
And a cast of thousands!

© Copyright 1996, 1997 by The Keeper of Lost Lives
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