Note: This volume has been edited beyond recognition.

Thursday December 18, 2003

Yesterday, I spent some time chatting with Lisa, the student services coordinator at the Asylum. She's actually quite a hottie, the more I think about it. She has so far not given me any indication that she is a Roach loyalist. However, the new Dean wants her out anyway. I am the only one to have come to her defense. Sometimes I question what my motives are. To be honest, I want her to stay around because she's the only hottie on the staff. She's in her twenties, and she's single.

An uneventful day. I was supposed to take Ernie out to lunch, but he was too busy. He is going in for his operation next week. Mary Ann (not the one who was filling in for that putz Phillip) confronted me about Shirley. She wanted to know if Shirley was my babe. She had seen us at Taco Bell last week. She also remembered that we were at the lua'u. Since we hang out together so much, many people get the wrong impression. Lisa approached us while we were chatting, wanting to know what was going on. "I'm just trying to clear up a rumor," I said. By the way, Mary Ann works under Lisa. I may be imagining things, but Lisa was a lot friendlier this afternoon. Later, I discovered that Shirley responded to my e-mail in Spanish. It was funny. That's why we have such a great friendship.

I ran into Pseudo-professor Robert early this morning. I asked whether his new babe called him. No dice, so he's writing her off. I have also noticed that he makes a lot of sarcastic comments, which is beginning to get on my nerves. He always pokes fun at my position in the Asylum administration. When I was listening to House Music, he said, "That kind of music is usually performed by people with very little talent." Well, excuse me, Mr. Big-Time Bass Player. It has dawned upon me that the Prozac is apparently barely keeping him afloat. He's artificially happy, but the deep resentment is oozing out of him. It's the poison that is killing him. In addition, he told me that he has absolutely no savings. He's spending every dime that he makes. Yet, he keeps telling me that we need money to attract babes.

I went to the gym and did my workout. Glen heard me wrong, so he arrived an hour later. He stopped by the faculty computer room after he was done. I was sitting there and trying my best to ignore Pseudo-professor Robert and a few other faculty members giggling over some psycho babe's research paper. The student is in homeboy's class. I left with Glen. We walked to Jamba Juice. Then, we strolled around town. We talked about his job situation, which is becoming more desperate by the day. I also gave him a quick lesson on how to set up database connectivity to a Web server.

Most of the Diploma Mill faculty were stressed out today. I am probably the only one who is not stressed. Everything for me is completely computerized. My classes for the Spring term are already set up. And, I am putting in less hours than before. Sheesh! Yesterday, I was chatting with Professor Brian. I told him how much I am earning now between the Asylum and the Diploma Mill. "You're making more than most of the full-time faculty here," he told me. That's my one big accomplishment. I have finally caught up.

I neglected to mention that I have three young hotties in my math class for the Winter term. Yesterday, they all wore very skimpy, tight tops. They all have very ample wares, and the latter were on display. I was actually not affected by their wily ways. So, unlike what some people believe, I am not lusting after all the young hotties.

I am still at a loss concerning what to do with the rest of my life. Buying my own place is a burning issue. I will probably make an appointment with one of Lori's friends to see if I can get myself pre-approved for a mortgage.

Friday December 19

So, here it is, the official end of the five-year financial plan. I've made my goal. I am not rich, but I have everything that I want. I make a decent wage. I have money in the bank. I no longer deny myself of anything. I can actually buy my own place for the first time in my life. So, what is wrong then? I don't have a babe, that's what. The funny part is that I am at the point where I don't really need a babe. Yet, I want a babe more than ever. Whassup wi' dat? Is this Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs in action? The fixation to find a young hottie is even more baffling. Pseudo-professor Robert, in his lucid moments, asserted that he's not backing down on finding a young hottie. The sad part is that I am not backing down either. "If I can't have what I want, then I don't want it," he told me. All of this is coming amidst tremendous peer pressure urging both of us to "lower our standards" or to "settle" for what we can get. This is about the only time I have agreed with homeboy. However, that's only the tip of the iceberg.

An interesting day. I gave out my phone number to a few students at the Asylum because we may get together for a few drinks during the break. Then, one of my students, Michelle, asked for my number. She wants to set me up with one of her aunts. It's a long story. The Asylum end-of-the -year party was the event of the day. I could only stay for 15 minutes because I had to go to my class at the Diploma Mill.

Well, here it is, the end of the night. I am feeling extremely claustrophobic, although I did not have any anxiety attacks. I am listening to House Music. It's the only music that I can listen to anymore.

Saturday December 20

Overall, a most pathetic day. I'm not even going to provide the details. Just know that I ended up in town this morning. I did some work at the Diploma Mill. Later, I did my tanning hike up Koko Head. I also went to the gym. After dinner, I went to Ala Moana. I felt like an idiot. Chip called me. He wanted to meet at Chili's in Kahala Mall later. I met Chip there at about 10pm. The place was dead. I paid for the foolish outing. I was extremely hammered when I returned home. I bought a bottle of wine, too. Right now, I am drinking even more as we speak. I really don't care about all of these guys like Chip. He tell me stories, but I don't see how he's got it goin' on. I also talked with Shirley this evening. Believe me, nothing matters anymore. People can do what they want. I have my own priorities, and I will see this crap right to the end.

Sunday December 21

I was not in a good mood yesterday. Everything went wrong right from the start. The bus was five minutes early, so I missed it. When I finally arrived in town, it took me almost an hour before I could get into the faculty computer room. No one knew how to get the key. The only thing that saved the day was my hike up Koko Head. Caroll had called because she almost lost it twice during the week. She was in San Francisco. Walking around Ala Moana by myself was a sad experience. I never felt more alone in my life. In the last four years, I never left the house during this time. The evening with Chip was not that bad. We shared some foolish anecdotes from our personal lives. He told me more mackin' stories. And, once again, he told me how he ruined his marriage by having that affair with one of the Asylum students. Now, he lives alone in a small apartment in the Executive Center downtown. Chip is in his fifties, by the way. We also discussed the Asylum, and how we may all be looking for new jobs by Summer. That really was too depressing for me, which is why I ended up drinking even more.

The situation at home is not much better. It really isn't moms' fault, but I am having an increasingly difficult time. Most of it is my own perception of being treated like a kid. It certainly does help being close to fifty. Moms has also been increasing the pressure to join her religious group. The turning point, of course, will be when I move out. This is causing me a lot of anxiety. All I really need is a place to sleep, since I cannot seem to stay at home for any duration. Renting a place would be foolish because I would spend a lot of money on a place that I rarely used. Buying a place is the most sound idea. However, I would be in the same quandary. The whole place would be empty except for one chair. I am also afraid of spending all that money, only to end up alone and depressed in an empty house. What is even more sobering is the fact that, once moms is gone, I will truly be alone in the world. Pseudo-professor Robert is in a worse situation. He lives at home with moms, but they live in a rented house. Since he saves absolutely nothing, he will be out on his ass once his mom is gone. At the present rate that he's going, he won't survive. He has dreams of becoming rich. It's strange to listen to the poorest of people always talking about the one break that's going to put them into Big Money. As the years go on, they are no closer to their dream.

It also very plain to see that single people in my age group, or at least the ones whom I know, are living very pathetic lives. Some of the married people are not doing so well either. I suppose that I need a vacation. I need to get away. However, I hate to travel alone. If I visit friends elsewhere, I find that most of them are working or have their own lives. They have no time for me. I find that I have less and less close friends as the years go on.

I went on my tanning hike up Koko Head again. I drove to Kahala Mall at 1pm and put together the gifts for Shirley. I included a small box of Godiva Truffles, a $50 Macy's gift card, a $20 Tower gift card, and a humorous gift. I returned home and went to the gym. Chip also called this morning.

I arrived at the Ward Center at 5:30pm. Everyone else was late so I went walking around. When I returned, everyone was there. We then drove to Ala Moana so the babe could do some shopping. It was fun to walk around Ala Moana with three babes. What a difference from the night before when I was cruising around by myself like a loser. We drove back to the Ward Center and had dinner at the Brew Moon. Dinner was enjoyable. Shirley had a glass of the "Hammer" with me, which was good. I gave Shirley her gift. I walked Shirley back to her car, and she gave me my gift. Then, we parted company. It was certainly a fun evening tonight.

Monday December 22

After class, I went to the gym. Glen was there. Both of us were not in the mood to work out, but we forced ourselves to do so. I returned to the Diploma Mill after the gym. Pseudo-professor Robert was in the faculty computer room. At one point, he sat at the table. He looked despondent. I asked him what was up. He said that his mom asked him if he was depressed, and later he became depressed. He said that he was very fatigued all weekend. He also has not heard from the Swedish pseudo-professor. He tried to call her right then, but her phone was off. Frankly, I think he's losing it. I should know because I am losing it.

Tuesday December 23

Pseudo-professor Robert was talking some nonsense yesterday. He was giving me some pathetic line that made it seem as though he was ready to accept his lot in life. I had to set him straight by calling him on his bullshit. There's no sense in wasting time thinking about resignation. Just do it, and be done with it already. However, there's no turning back at this age. This is the plight of powerless and desperate guys like myself, I suppose. With so little time left, we have no game. And, what's even worse is our pathetic fixation with young hotties. It's getting more ridiculous by the minute.

With eight days left before the end of the year, I need to make some decisions. First, I need to remove everyone from the loop except those who read the journal. I've disclosed too much about myself to people around me and for no particular reason. Second, I need to make a decision on purchasing a place of my own. Third, I have to decide what to do about the babe situation. For now, I am just happy that I am working through this vacation. If I had nothing to do, I would just go berserk.

I did absolutely nothing important today. I stopped by the Asylum. The Dean told me to enjoy the vacation. So, I am getting paid to do nothing. Ernie was there, which surprised me. He had the operation two days ago, and he's already up and around. I spent most of my day in the faculty computer room at the Diploma Mill. All I basically did was listen to House Music on Net Radio. Lori called. She wanted me to meet her and Stephanie for lunch in Hawai'i Kai. Since I was already in town, I asked if we could do something on Friday. She will call me back. Later, I got my usual haircut. Then, I went to the gym. I was feeling kind of down, so I bought myself a Jamba Juice smoothie. Pseudo-professor Robert arrived shortly after I returned to the faculty computer room. We discussed the same old nonsense. I mentioned that I wanted to plan an outing with the babes for New Year's. However, I left it at that. Caroll called while we were talking. She wanted me to call her back later. I chatted a little more with homeboy. He was perusing the Yahoo! Personals for babes in his preferred age group (read: 25-35 years old).

On the way to the bus stop, I received a call from Chip. He wanted to do something later this evening. I told him that I had to work tomorrow. He said he would call back later.

Wednesday December 24

So, let's return to reality now, shall we? I spent the morning giving a make-up exam. I also entertained a students plea for a grade change. And. I may have gotten Glenn a job at the Asylum as the webmaster for its Web site. I left my class out early. Then, I went to the gym. Romero called me while I was there. I called him back. Naturally, that set off a chain of phone calls for the rest of the day to all of my other friends everywhere (including John in San José, Kevin in Washington, Pseudo-professor Tony and more). Caroll and I also played phone tag for most of the day. Pseudo-professor Tony invited me to his place tomorrow. Shirley called and we chatted for a few minutes before she had to leave to go to dinner with Ramona. I also ran into Pseudo-professor Robert today. He said that there wasn't going to much of a celebration at his place tonight. He also invited me to join him and his buddy tomorrow to watch the UH game at Roundtable Pizza in Waikiki. Caroll and I finally chatted later in the evening. We talked about a lot of issues that only people in our age group would understand.

I drove down to Foodland as well. I bought a big-ass bottle of wine. I am partaking of it as we speak. I am also listening to House Music. I am wondering about my life and where I am going. Moms will be going to the Ninja Turd's place tomorrow. I am not invited. It's plain to see that moms is buying into the Turd's game. I really don't care. They can have moms' house. I don't want it. I can afford to buy my own place, and that's the first decision that I am making right now.

Thursday December 25

Yesterday was the first day in the last four years that I felt a sense of total loneliness and isolation during the holiday season. It was also the first day I felt that moving back to the mainland would not be so bad. I have absolutely no reason to remain in Hawai'i. My immediate family is so dysfunctional that I feel as though I am an orphan. My conversation with Kevin in Washington was most profound. We discussed some of these issues.

I did my tanning hike this morning up Koko Head. Moms left for the Ninja Turds while I was gone. I called Pseudo-professor Tony and went to his little party this afternoon. I should have stayed at home. Pseudo-professor Robert had to cancel his plans as well. It's so sad. I am getting the picture. I cannot take this loser crap anymore. Shirley called. She is available to do something this weekend. I've already told her that it will be just she and I. We'll also be doing a New Year's celebration.

Friday December 26

Caroll called yesterday. She went to visit her nephew who is in prison. What she said about how good we have it in comparison was worthy of contemplation. My homey Rod also called. All of my phone calls have reduced my cell phone "whenever" minutes to less than an hour. I have one week left in this billing cycle. I can't believe that I use the phone so much. Most guys hate talking on the phone.

I had the day off today. Moms wanted me to run some errands for her, but I just didn't feel like it. My resentment is starting to get the better of me. Moms plays into the Ninja Turd's hands and expect me to apologize to them. No, it's not going to happen. I have lost all loyalty to my family. I did my tanning hike up Koko Head again. Lori called to confirm lunch at The Shack in Hawai'i Kai. I completed my hike and drove out to Kuapa Kai. Lori and Stephanie were already there. We had a pleasant lunch. I also had a couple of Guiness brewskis. When Lori was in the restroom, Stephanie said, "I'm glad that you and my mom are getting along now." Stephanie will probably stop by and spend some time with me at the Diploma Mill on Wednesday. After I returned home, I decided to take the bus to town to go to the gym.

Saturday December 27

I woke up today wondering about my own life and where I will be going. I still feel claustrophobic. I went for my tanning hike up Koko Head again. This hike is always good for mental clarity as well. I left for Ala Moana around noon. Shirley and I chatted while I was on the bus. She went out clubbing last night with Shorty and a few other friends. She said that her friend David could not make it. David is of interest because he had made a phone call to Shirley one night when he was drunk. I asked her if that was a good ploy. In other words, calling up a babe while drunk and spilling the beans. I ended up walking along Ala Moana Beach again. Then, I walked through the Ward Center to circle back to Ala Moana Center. I caught the bus back to Kahala Mall. I saw Pseudo-professor Jim sitting by himself outside a sandwich shop. He was acting a little snide. He had just gone to see a movie by himself. When I departed, I said to myself, "Lord, please do not let me end up like that." However, he is happy as clam, just like the rest of my brethren.

I was actually a little down today. I did not feel like hanging out at Barnes & Noble, so I sat in the mall with my Jamba Juice smoothie. When I returned home, I walked down to the gym and just did my weight workout. My lip is still hurting because I bit it multiple times. Shirley and I met at Border's at the Ward Center at 10:30pm. I had first stopped off at Kahala Mall to kill some time. We saw "Cheaper by the Dozen," which has got be one of the worst comedies I have ever seen. After that, we ended up at Zippy's (McCully) for a late night snack. We were supposed to meet Shirley's friends, but they were at a club. Neither Shirley or I wanted to go clubbing. Overall, it was a fun evening. I have not done anything just with Shirley in a long time.

Sunday December 28

I now see that I have a major problem. I want a constant companion, ideally a main squeeze. Otherwise, I need about ten babe friends like Shirley to pal around with. That's the problem when one has been in long-term live-in relationships. I have really not gained back my independence since splitting with Lori. I simply put it in deep freeze while I was living the monk life-style. I went for a quick hike up Koko Head. No sun today, so no tanning. Then, I left for Ala Moana. The bus was five minutes early, so I missed it. So, I had to catch another bus and take a very circuitous route. I ended up at the Ward Center. Shirley had called, so I called her back. She was on her way to Ramona's place. I walked back to Ala Moana. I gave Caroll a call while I was walking around. After killing more time, I returned home. I did not go to the gym. Things are getting bad when I miss a day at the gym.

Monday December 29

An uneventful day. Pseudo-professor Robert came by the faculty computer room at noon. He was obviously very perturbed. His medication was probably all that kept him from exploding. He said that he has been thinking about the things we've been talking about recently. In fact, he's been thinking for about four days straight. I believe that he's ready to snap. He's finally seeing the House of Cards that he has built. Frankly, it's about time that he noticed the precarious situation we are in. I feel a little responsible for this, but I feel no guilt.

Tuesday December 30

An uneventful day. Glen and I went to Jamba Juice after the gym. That's about as exciting as it gets. When I returned home, I dropped my six-four off at the Union 76 station in Koko Marina so I can get the loser safety check done. Later, moms told me something about the roof leaking. I just ignored that nonsense because I warned her about that fly-by-night roofing company. Then, moms told me that her IRA is running out. So, my rent is being doubled. I don't particularly care, but I told moms that I will be moving out soon. This will put things in motion for me. I needed some kind of incentive to get me going. I will be buying my own place. Moms will have no choice but to let the Ninja Turds move back in. I will stay on as long as I can. Moms claims that the Turds don't have any money to buy their own place. Yet, they lived for peanuts in moms' house for eight years. It was very clear to me whose side moms is on. The whole situation is kind of stupid. Apparently, no one in my immediate family is actually capable of thinking or planning. My family is a sinking ship. Essentially, what moms needs to do is to sell the house. Moms could very well live for another ten years. Where is the money going to come from? If I stay here any longer, I will end up paying all the expenses and taxes. Then, the Turds will end up with the house anyway. I'll just end up broke. Anyone with a mind can clearly see the answer — moms needs to sell the damned house. Sheesh!

Buying my own place is now the top priority. I will be making an appointment with Lori's banking contact next week. I will begin the pre-approval process for my loan. Next, I will speak with Lori's real estate contact. My goal is to be in my own place by Summer.

Wednesday December 31

The conversation with moms last night was pathetic. Moms was chiding me about all of the money that I'm supposedly making. I am not running a mission. No one in my family even knows what I have saved or what I earn. Moms probably suspects that I've been spending a lot of money lately because I have been going out more. Increasing the rent then cuts my "going out" money. I would have to stay home more, which is the real reason for this crap. Lori called last night to make arrangements for when Stephanie is supposed to meet me. I also briefly discussed my situation, and how I must now expedite my plans to purchase my own place.

I didn't really realize how fragile my mental state was until last night. I made the same kind of decision my bro made five years ago. He moved his family out of moms' house abruptly after that. Let's face it, though. My time has come. I'm too old to be living at home with moms. I just wish I wasn't a family of one with only one income. That's what is so scary.

I called Shirley this morning. Stephanie and Lori met me outside along Fort Street Mall. Stephanie attended my class and afterward I gave her a tour of the campus. Then, she took a bus to Kahala Mall. I went to the gym. Glen was there. I did a really short workout. Glen walked back with me to the Diploma Mill. We hung out in the faculty computer room. Later, we walked around to find a place to eat. Most places were closed. He wanted to get something from the small store in the First Hawai'ian Tower.

The loser service station had called me this morning. The moron told me that my six-four did not pass because of faulty windshield wiper blades. I asked the idiot why he didn't just change them. He said that the item was not stocked. So, I got off the bus at Koko Marina and drove my six-four home. I discovered that moms was cooking a lot of food. My bro and his family arrived at 7:15pm. I chatted with my bro for a bit. Then, I departed for town. Whatever happened later is no longer part of history.

To be continued ... Go to D.23