Note: This volume has been edited beyond recognition.

Thursday January 1, 2004

I find no need to change the title of this volume of the journal, not that I really am living dangerously. I did not feel really good this morning. I called Shirley and left a message. She called me back from work. She has also used up her free cell phone minutes. I just could not get myself to do anything for most of the day. I lapsed in and out of a coma in my favorite chair. I remember calling baby last night after I returned home. She wanted me to call to let her know that I arrived safely. I left a pretty funny message because I was hammered. I decided to take a hike up Koko Head. It has been raining all morning, but it cleared up a little by 2pm. The rains started up again after I returned home. I decided to skip the gym because I did not want to walk to Koko Marina in the rain.

I am still unable to make a decent summary of the previous year. As a matter of fact, I cannot distinguish a boundary between last year and this new year. There are binding issues which cross time and space. The babe situation is one, although it has been focused primarily on baby. My dysfunctional family is another issue which has opened up yet another issue, namely my need to move out of moms' house soon. I do not have any sense of security, nor do I have a support system. So, here we go. Another year.

Friday January 2

I posted a thread on the AskMen Forums about a week ago. The thread is titled, "Why all or nothing?" and describes the ultimatum scenario. Most of the guys warned that it is impossible to have a friendship with a babe, as opposed to the babes who felt otherwise. I know the guys are right. In most cases, the guy is attracted to the babe "friend," as is the case with me and Pseudo-professor Shagha. However, there are instances when the babe is interested in the guy "friend." Take Clare, for instance. As you may remember, Clare was that luscious Hungarian hottie who somehow developed a thing for the ol' lavahead. She was twenty-one at the time, which made her 15 years younger than the oversized cranium. Remember the result when he rejected her? It wasn't pretty. What the hell was I thinking? My friendship with Shirley works well because neither of us is attracted to the other. mind you, Shirley is a hottie. That's why people are puzzled when I say that we are only friends. No one can understand why I haven't tried anything. That's because they are not me. So, Shirley and I are the reference standard for platonic friendships.

One other thing that struck me as odd from my thread in the forums — most of the guys said that they did not hang out often with their so-called babe "friends." They only formally did things every now and then. Most of these "friendships" seem more like acquaintanceships. So, what am I doing? I do stuff with Shirley quite frequently. Then, I look around me. Are any of the other single guys doing the same thing? No. They don't have any close babe friends. So far, what is interesting is that I have never had either Shirley treat me like a "male girlfriend." This is the common complaint of most of the guys on the forums. Shirley treats me more like a brother.

An uneventful day. I was fatigued for most of the day. The rain didn't help matters. I took the bus to the Kaiser clinic to get my blood test done. Then, I returned to the Diploma Mill to hang out by myself.

Saturday January 3

Although I was extremely fatigued last night, I drove to Kahala Mall in the rain. I was suffering from anxiety attacks again. All I did was meander around the mall. I felt a little better.

I took the bus to town this morning. I ended up at the Diploma Mill. I had to catch up on some work. I called Kevin and asked whether it was he who called yesterday afternoon. He said no, so it was definitely baby. He wanted me to meet for lunch with him and his wife at Kahala Mall. I went to the gym and did a quick workout. Then, I caught the bus to Kahala Mall. I had lunch with Kevin and his wife. Shirley called while I was eating. I asked if she would do something with me later tonight. She agreed. Then, I returned home. I did a quick hike up Koko Head. After dinner, I left for Kahala Mall. I meandered around while I waited for Shirley's call. When she finally called after work, said that she would meet me at Border's in the Ward Center. We ended up seeing "Something's Gotta Give." It was a great movie. Then, we had wine and pupus at Ryan's Grill.

Sunday January 4

I was extremely tired today. I did my morning hike up Koko Head. Then, I took a circuitous route to Ala Moana on the bus. I walked along the beach. Caroll called while I doing my walk. We were able to share our woeful tales. I walked back to Ala Moana via Ward Center. Then, I took a circuitous route to Kahala Mall on the bus. I bought a Jamba Juice smoothie and sat outside Barnes & Noble. This was the first time I felt any peace of mind in a while. I did another hike up Koko Head in the late afternoon. I called Shirley and talked with her for a few minutes.

Monday January 5

Shirley called last night. She was on her way to Ramona's. An uneventful day. Classes at the Asylum commenced today. With each passing day, I am wondering how much longer I can tolerate this crap. Shirley called this morning, but we only chatted for a couple of minutes.

Tuesday January 6

I took the bus to Kailua and got off near Shirley's house. She had called me earlier this morning to see when I would be coming. I arrived at 10am. We drove over to the Hawai'i Loa campus. My faculty ID allowed us to park for free. Then, we walked through the three floors of the only building with classrooms. Then, we toured the rest of the campus, which is comprised of the dormitories, commissary, and sports fields. We ate lunch at Big City Diner. I really enjoyed my hamburger. Shirley had a turkey sandwich. We stopped off at Checker Auto Parts so I could buy new windshield wiper blades for my six-four. Shirley then drove me back to town so I could make my class at the Asylum. I went to the gym after ward. Glen was there. He is still having difficulty finding a job. This has been causing increasing friction in his marriage. I suspect that it will get worse. After I returned home, I put the new windshield wipers on my six-four. I drove down to the loser gas station only to discover that I must bring the vehicle in before the mechanics leave at 5pm. I almost lost it. So, I bought a bottle of Corbett Canyon Cabernet Sauvignon at Foodland.

I spent a nice morning with Shirley. It was quite relaxing in contrast to the crap that I must tolerate during a regular day. However, I live a great life. Instead of slaving away at work, I was gallivanting around Kailua with a young hottie. The whole situation is reminiscent of the movie we just saw, "Something's Gotta Give."

Wednesday January 7

The Jack Nicholson movie continues to loop through my head. The ramifications are clear, just like Shirley has told me. An old guy should not be mackin' on young hotties. "You need to find an 'average' babe in your age group," she kept telling me over the past few months.

An uneventful day at best. There is much political intrigue going on at the Asylum. I am really getting sick of it. I had a fun day in my math class at the Diploma Mill. I try to test out all of my comedy material on them. I did my usual workout at the gym. Then, I spent some time in faculty computer room at the Diploma Mill. I caught the last express bus out of town. Earlier, I sent e-mail to the bank contact referred to me by Lori. I also picked up another 401(k) application. I need to set up an account immediately. I don't know why I put it off. This will come in handy when I finally decide to purchase a place.

Thursday January 8

Another uneventful day. Shirley called me early this morning. She was driving to Kewalo Basin to meet one of her friends. They were going surfing in Waikiki. Shirley and I are planning to do something on Sunday.

The rest of the day was routine. I went to the gym. Glen was there. We ended up at the faculty computer room at the Diploma Mill with our Jamba Juice smoothies. We chatted for about 90 minutes. It was quite funny, as I was on a roll about all of the stupidity going on. I should write more about it in the journal since most of it is quite hilarious. After I returned home, I discovered that my credit card charges for last month came to $620, if you can believe it. I have been spending money like there is no tomorrow. Sheesh!

Friday January 9

Shirley called me late last night. We had an interesting chat. "You turn your phone off at eleven," she told me. So, after some coaxing, I have decided to keep my phone on 24/7 from now on. That way, if Shirley is bored, she can call me at any time.

An uneventful day. There is no need for me to detail the stupidity at the Asylum. My class at the Diploma Mill was fairly short. I went to the gym afterward. Glen was there. We ended up at Jamba Juice again. I also ran into Pseudo-professor Robert in the faculty computer room at the Diploma Mill. We had an interesting chat. Of course, it was about the babe situation. He walked me to the bus stop and kept me company until the express bus arrived. Later, I took the bus to Kahala Mall. I bummed around the mall like a loser. I ended up renting two DVDs to watch. That will be my excitement for the evening. I did not suffer any anxiety attacks, which surprised me.

Saturday January 10

I didn't get to sleep until 2:30 this morning because I was viewing the rented DVDs. "Minority Report" is an awesome flick. I woke up fairly early. I drove my six-four down to the loser gas station and finally completed my safety check. Well, at least I got a free month out of the deal. I took the bus to town and ended up at the faculty computer room at the Diploma Mill. I did about five minutes of work and drank a whole mess of coffee. I called Glen to let him know that I was in town. He wanted to go to the gym with me. I walked around town looking for a new backpack. I didn't find anything I liked. Glen came b y a little early. We then went to the gym and did a quick workout. After the gym, he bought his lunch from Subway and joined me back at the Diploma Mill. I said that I was going to shop for backpacks in the Ward district. Glen wanted to join me. He doesn't have a bus pass, so we walked there from downtown. We looked around in a variety of stores. We then walked to Ala Moana Center and looked around. Glen's wife works at one of the stores there. We stopped by to say hello. It was actually a lot of fun. I did not leave for home on the bus until 5pm. Glen walked back to town.

After dinner, I drove to Kahala Mall. I returned the DVDs and rented another one. I looked around the mall for backpacks. Everything is overpriced. Yes, I could have spent some of my "entertainment" budget on a really nice backpack. So, now I have to find another cheap piece of crap. Shirley called after she got off work. She actually had called earlier when I was at Ala Moana as well. She's been having the time of her life because she is on vacation.

Sunday January 11

I am on a collision course with insanity. This is almost inevitable. I've lost all meaning to my life, and now I am pursuing an aimless trek just to hold on to what's left of my sanity. It is, however, only a symptom of a larger problem. The other day, Pseudo-professor Paul dropped by the faculty computer room at the Diploma Mill. He was using two Shirokiya shopping bags to hold his belongings. He had a piece of a tree branch in the bag. Pseudo-professor Ralph asked him if it was a cutting. He laughed and said that it was his back scratcher. He then demonstrated its use. In all seriousness, I leaned back and said, "Lord, please don't let me end up like that." My brethren have already crossed the threshold of sanity. They are clinically insane. Yesterday, I noticed that almost everyone was paired up. Everyone but me, that is. Heck, I don't even need to buy a backpack. I just need some plastic shopping bags and a tree branch to scratch my back.

Pseudo-professor Robert is losing it. He has no Spring term classes, so his income will drop significantly. Since he has essentially dropped a level in Maslow's Hierarchy, he no longer needs to worry about babes. I warned him that he does not have much time to play games with himself. Although he is three years younger than I, those years will pass quickly.

No one is immune. Even Lori is living on borrowed time. She has it good now because her husband has been able to provide for her financially. She has a house. She only work part-time for him. She gets to do whatever she wants. He apparently had applied for life insurance. However, he did not pass the physical exam. Lori is worried because he is a recent diabetic. Now, he has some other liver complications. She has vocalized a number of times that she doesn't want to be dating again, a morbid attempt at humor in case the husband does not make it. However, I know that she's afraid.

Last night, I browsed through the book, "Think and Grow Rich," by Napolean Hill. It's not a get-rich-quick book. One really interesting point discussed by Hill was the matter of wealth and power. He asserted that both are used by guys to attract babes. Otherwise, both are essentially useless. I believe his assertion to be correct. There really is only one reason to accumulate wealth and power. That's also why babes wield tremendous power over guys.

I took the bus on my usual benign journey which ended up with a walk through Ala Moana Beach Park. I then caught the bus to Kahala Mall. I bought a Jamba juice smoothie to reward myself for nothing. I finally returned home and did my hike up koko Head. On my way home, I called Shirley to confirm our plans for the evening. I arrived at Border's first. Caroll called while I was there. She revealed to me that her brother Michael has been going through a major conflict for most of his life. The conflict revolved around confusion with his sexual orientation. I was completely taken off-guard. Now, I was able to see why Caroll had so many confrontations with him. He is very frustrated. I called Shirley since she was late. She was just walking down from the second floor. We then walked to the Ward Cineplex. However, I knew we were too late to make the movie.

The lines were so long. We stood in line for the ticket machine. Within a few minutes, someone announced that the credit card services were down. By then, the movie was already starting. "Let's go eat," I said. We put ourselves on the waiting list at Buca di Beppo. We sat outside and waited until we were called. I managed to see one of my students from the Fall term. He was with a date. He commented on the fact that I was out with three babes. "They are only friends," I said. We were seated in the outside area. Shirley and I ordered the "Hammer." We had a great time during dinner. We saw "The Last Samurai." The movie was extremely long and did not finish until after one o' clock. I then walked Shirley to her car. She gave me a ride back to mine. I finally returned home at 2am. I was exhausted.

Monday January 12

Lori sat in the back of the bus with me this morning. We had a nice chat. I am actually very surprised that she has become a good friend to me. It wasn't long ago that neither of us wanted anything to do with each other. She gave me some practical opinions which I will take to heart. In some respects, I am relying on her for emotional support. She has not let me down.

Pseudo-professor Robert called me while I was in class at the Asylum. What he told me gave me the willies. He had gotten into an altercation at home. Apparently, it was over his mom's favorite show on the tube. He didn't tell me the full details, but he screwed up on recording the show. So, his mom made a few snide comments. He lost it. He went on a mild rampage. A lot of things were thrown onto the floor. He spent last night at the Penthouse Gentlemen's Club. So, he did not return home. He was also planning to get a hotel room. He had gone to see his psychiatrist in the morning as well.

This was an ominous omen. I could not stop thinking about it all day. Homeboy snapped, and the real issue was not the stupid show on the tube. Living at home with his mom, working at a crappy job with little pay, and not having a babe are what are really the issues. It finally all came to a head over one trivial incident. Not to worry, this story gets even better.

I barely made it through the day. I was so tired. I went to the gym. I signed up for my 401(k) plan devoting 10 percent of my pay to a conservative fund. I named Shirley as my beneficiary. That's right. Homeboy called me to say that he checked into the Sheraton Princess Kai'ulani Hotel. He was planning to sleep. When I returned home after a long day, moms decided to give me crap about drinking. In fact, I recall that moms was still up last night when I returned home. Here is where the "parallel lives" nonsense comes into play. I lost it. I reiterated that I was planning to move. I also tried to calmly discuss why I have to go out all the time. Moms' answer was that I should join her church. In fact, this has probably been the issue all along. In my mind, I knew that I made the right decision about naming Shirley as my beneficiary. I also have more incentive to move out as soon as possible. It is almost uncanny how my life parallels homeboy's. I do not believe that this is a coincidence. Homeboy is on the verge of mental collapse. He said that he may live in his car now. I don't think he'll survive very long if he does.

I suppose that this is where he will have to make a decision to accept his lot in life, just like Pseudo-professors Jim and Paul. He will end up nuttier than a fruitcake just like those two bozos. This is clearly the issue for me as well. What am I going to do? I have everything that I need except for my own place and a young hottie. Am I fooling myself? Do I have to compromise? Is it truly over?

Tuesday January 13

I was not in a good mood last night. I was tired and I had to put up with the same exact crap that pushed Pseudo-professor Robert over the edge. The only difference between he and I is that I am more financially viable at this time. I am also taking quite a few steps to insure that I remain that way. My planning has paid off. Over the last four years, homeboy dismissed my strategic plan and spent every dime he made. I knew that something was going to happen to force my hand. I made certain that I would not end up homeless or penniless when the shit hit the fan. What probably gets to both homeboy and I is that we have been emasculated by the fact that we live at home with moms. We are not men. We are faggots in the eyes of babes. Then, to have moms treat us like little boys is simply adding insult to injury.

An uneventful day. I had an appointment for my annual physical at the Kaiser Clinic. My cholesterol level has gone up again. I was given the option of medication, but I declined. I am also scheduled to surgically remove a benign cyst later this month. I am not looking forward to that. I also asked about any psychological services. Since the symptoms of my mid-life crisis have not abated, then I must seek out other measures. I talked with Shirley about the 401(k) plan. I told her that, if anything happens to me, she can keep the money. I also called Lori's contact at the bank. She called back while I was at the gym. I missed the call. I finally was able to contact Brenda and made an appointment with her for Thursday afternoon.

I did not hear from Pseudo-professor Robert. His cell phone has been off all day. I left a message. Shirley called while I was on the express bus. I missed the call. Mark was on the bus. We talked about mortgages and other fun stuff.

Wednesday January 14

Last night, I finally was able to chat with Pseudo-professor Robert directly at the hotel. We talked for about an hour. It was plain to see that we were both facing the exact same issues, just as I thought. He has decided that he can no longer live at home, but his options are limited right now. As we continued to talk, I discovered that our lives were much more parallel than I had previously thought. Now, both of us are at the same critical juncture. The only difference is that I did not fly off the handle and storm out of the house. Homeboy is spending $100 per night to entertain his folly. What will be his next move?

An uneventful day. I told Pseudo-professor Ralph the pathetic tale of the parallel lives of Pseudo-professor Robert and I. Homeboy called while I was at the gym. He left a message. He has not decided what to do, but he did check out of the hotel. He has to shut off his cell phone to conserve power because the battery charger is at his mom's house. He has no plans to return home. I am still haunted by my conversation with him last night. At one point he told me, "I didn't have a babe in 1997. I don't have a babe now, and I haven't had one in between then and now." He went on, saying the same about the job situation, and his life in general. "Nothing has changed. If this is the way it's going to be for the rest of my life, then I might as well end it all right now." In his time of need, I am his true friend. Odd, isn't it? I could easily have turned him away, but that is not my nature. I believe that he now knows what I've been talking about in the last few years. Later. I had an interesting discussion with Pseudo-professor Linda at the Diploma Mill. She is in my age group, married and divorced twice. I can't say that it was an upbeat talk. She did have one bit of advice, "Move back to the mainland," she said. "There's no future here."

The power went out while I was eating dinner. After a few minutes, I began losin' it. I suffered a number of anxiety attacks. Finally, I boarded the bus to Kahala Mall. I walked around the mall and ended up at Barnes & Noble. I was still losin' it. Thank goodness homeboy called. We talked for about an hour. In actuality, the discussion helped me as much as it did him. Shirley also called and we chatted for a few minutes. She and I will meet tomorrow to shop for my new eyeglasses.

Thursday January 15

The power never came back on last night. When I returned home, I could barely see. I had to feel my way back to the house. This morning, the power was still off. My iBook shut down last night after about 10 minutes, which contributed to my anxiety. I had to take my shaver and my cell phone battery charger to work. I was in a meeting for most of the morning at the Asylum. It was very irritating. Shirley then came by and we drove to the Kaiser Clinic. Shopping for glasses is not fun, and we ended it quickly. We then ate lunch at Shirokiya. Shirley dropped me off at the Asylum afterward. I took the bus to Kahala Mall after the gym. It was a real ordeal. I had an appointment with Brenda at the Bank of Hawai'i. I called her along the way because I was very late. The buses were all behind schedule. The pre-approval process for the loan was quick. I can qualify for a loan of $285,000 and possibly up to $330,000 with the rest made up by my down payment. It was fairly exciting news. I caught the bus and got off at one of the express stops. I finally returned home.

Friday January 16

An uneventful morning at the Asylum. I met Eileen, a former Asylum student, for lunch at Murphy's. We had a nice chat. Eileen lives in Waiana'e. She said that it's a beautiful place, but the commute is terrible. So, I won't be moving there. Shirley called me. She was at the advising center. She had been there for almost two hours. I walked there and kept her company for a while. Then, I went to the gym.

I went to the Asylum's open house. The Chinatown Lion Dance was the big event of the evening. There were assorted pupus at the Asylum and a few shops along the street. I had to leave before the dancers came by the Asylum. I could have stayed longer since my bus was late. I arrived at home at 8pm, and immediately left for Kahala Mall. Pseudo-professor Robert had called and left a message. He is now staying at a friend's place. He is not planning to return home for a while. I bought a Jamba Juice smoothie and walked around the mall like a loser. Then, I ended up at Barnes & Noble. I called Shirley and chatted with her briefly. Then, I called Caroll. She was very irritated. She's beginning to lose it again.

To be continued ... Go to D.24