The Exodus Files
One Fortunate Mofo

Thursday April 7, 2005

An uneventful day of wage slavery. In other words, it was the same old shit. There was some kind of e-mail from John, the new Executive Director at the Asylum. Some faculty member apparently perpetrated something pretty bad. He wants to set up an ad hoc ethics committee. I sent a text message to Shirley, but it did not appear to go through. So, I sent her Myspace e-mail. I told her that I could meet her on Saturday for lunch. The evening shift at the Asylum is probably the most fun work experience. The administration is long gone. So, Wayne, Chip, James, and I have some outrageous times. I may just end up doing the night shift form now on.

The situation with moms' house is turning into a fiasco. First, the attorney wanted to discuss an alternative plan with my bro. The plan calls for my bro to purchase the house directly from moms. Then, moms would give me the proceeds. I'm not sure why this is going to be any better than the original plan. Moms called the attorney today. Now, the attorney wants to discuss the plan with me. I have no say in the matter. The real problem is that moms has no idea what the attorney is talking about. My bro has not gone in to see about the loan. I believe that he wants his wife to do it for him. He is intimidated by all of this. I am becoming quite furious at the total ineptness of my family. In the end, I will be the one to take care of everything. Unfortunately, I cannot go in for my bro and secure his loan for him. He needs to go in and take care of it himself. This really makes me wonder if they can even get a loan, something that Lori seems to believe. This whole situation will escalate to the point that I will have to force the sale of the house. All of this should have taken a maximum of two weeks. It's going to drag on for months at the rate we're going. By that time, moms should just hold onto the house.

Friday April 8

There is a major fiasco unfolding at the Asylum. In fact, it's too tiring to describe. Kevin had called last night. He also called again this morning. He knew all about the the reason for the ad hoc committee. He is the one responsible for what is going on. Kevin had reported Layton for missing his classes for one week. He has been resorting to this kind of treachery now for a while, and it's going to get worse. I suspect that he's trying to eliminate any competition. The rest of the faculty are fully aware of Kevin's escapades. Most fear him. I chatted with Kevin for a while about this matter. Then, I had to go to the special faculty meeting. I called Kevin back after the meeting. We chatted for another hour, but it was mostly about Shirley. I found this curious, but I knew his ploy. He was trying to show me his "compassionate" side. And, he knows that I have a weakness for Shirley. In other words, I am very concerned about her. So, he uses this to disarm me. Kevin is very convincing, but I am on-guard with him now. He did ask one question that made me think: "Why do care so much about Shirley?" I have been friends with Shirley for almost five years now. That pretty much answers the question.

I chatted with Lori on the phone for about 30 minutes. We discussed the situation with moms' house. Lori gave me more important information about the buy-out for my share of moms' house. She still does not believe that my bro will qualify for a loan. She detailed how I will have to obtain a promissory note and attach a lien on the house. Sounds like things could get pretty nasty in the end. I just hope that my bro qualifies for the loan. I neglected to mention that Professor Lisa sent e-mail the other day. She's planning to visit Hawai'i this Summer. She also invited me to join her and her friends on a trip to Kaua'i. I may take her up on the offer.

I ended up at Kahala Mall this evening. I had to buy another gift card at Gap for Shirley's B-day. I ran into Jason, one of my students, and his babe. I also ran into Darryln, one of my former students from the Asylum. She ended up going to the Diploma Mill. She was a nursing student. I came to discover that she has changed her major again. I also ran into Brent, a friend of John at Heald. All in all, I had a great time at the mall.

I am anticipating that Shirley will flake out on lunch tomorrow. I suspect that she will sleep in late. From what I can tell, she's been hanging out and partying with Prashamsa and a guy named John, both of whom are students at the Diploma Mill. They are apparently going to be extremely drunk tonight to celebrate Shirley's B-day. I also suspect that Shirley is now only going home to sleep, if even that. She's most likely eating her meals out and carrying spare clothes with her. I have reason to believe that my hunch is correct since the one time Shirley had been at Chez Loser. She did not want to go home after class because her parents were giving her a hard time about going out, she told me. This activity has ramped up since about a month ago. That's when I tried to disassociate myself from her. That's also when Ramona lost contact with her. I also have a hunch that Shirley's parents may have forbidden her to go to Rome with Prashamsa this Summer. Add that to the list of things Ramona told me (see April 6th entry) and we have a volatile mix. Ramona and I are the only two friends who can help Shirley, that is, if she wants help. However, I have not heard from Ramona. I am now cognizant of the fact that I must refrain from reprimanding or lecturing Shirley, if I am in contact with her. I can no longer treat her like I am a parent. There is clearly something wrong. She is completely following the pattern of "social addiction," as I described it. She has also become flaky and unreliable, which are symptoms of alcohol abuse. My goal is to be her friend. I will listen if she has something to say. I will only offer terse opinions. I have to make her feel comfortable and safe in order to rebuild the friendship. I already suspect that Shirley is caught up in the heavy drinking. She loves Kamikaze and Tequila shots in between mixed drinks. Let's see what happens tomorrow.

Saturday April 9

Let me preface all of this by saying that I am including a lot of material for archive purposes only. The term at the Diploma Mill ends one month from now. Shirley has only one more class to take during the first short Summer term which will end at the end of June. She will much more spare time than she does now. In July, she will officially be done with school. If she is still working part-time at Daiei, she will have a lot spare time. Will she spend all of that time hanging out with friends and partying? I suspect that none of this would be happening if Shirley was given much more responsibility for her life. As of today, she can no longer be claimed as a dependent by her parents. I have a few other random notes. Shirley's babe friends are all in relationships, except for Shorty. Shorty was in a brief relationship that ended recently. The babes whom she hangs around with in Seth's group are in relationships with the guys in the group. Her former friend Erin was married by this age. This could be a scary time for Shirley. She is having all the fun she can now because she believes that things will change significantly once she starts working. That's true. However, the key is to find a career job. That's a difficult task. The time to start looking is not July 1st. Why am I bringing this up? This is exactly what happened to me several times over. I fucked up big time. Of course, Shirley has one option that I never had. She could find a BoyToy who will "save" her. I can easily see why Shirley is doing what she's doing. The kind of uncertainties that she faces can create a lot of anxiety and confusion.

The bus trip to town was a nightmare. The 9:45am bus didn't show up. I walked down to catch another bus. The driver ended up going the wrong way. I finally arrived in town at 11:30am. Shirley called right at that time. She wanted to meet me in town. I told her that I had to go to Chez Loser first. She said that she had to go to town to meet a "friend." I asked if she was meeting a stud. She said that she was meeting Prashamsa at the Diploma Mill to keep her company at work. I told her to just go visit her friend. Shirley and I went round and round on this. However, her plan did not make sense. I was not going to sit around with Shirley and Prashamsa. "You need to establish your priorities and go with them," I said. She wanted to know if I would meet her downtown later, but she had to be home by 4pm. I said that I would only see her for 15 minutes, which made no sense. Finally, I told her, "If I see you, I see. If I don't, I don't." I arrived at Chez Loser at 12:20pm. I called Shirley and left a message. Later, I realized that I called the wrong number. So, I called again at 1:30pm. I had forgotten to tell Shirley that I had her B-day present. She was sleeping. Apparently, after our initial conversation, she fell asleep. Technically, she flaked out, but I'm not even sure what was going on. I thought we were supposed to eat lunch somewhere. Oh well. Lunch would have cost me a lot of dough, which would be better used to buy cheap booze for myself. Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaa!

Naturally, I was hammered. I was also in a perturbed state. There was another bus fiasco on the way back to town. We had to transfer to another bus. People were acting like cattle. I was yelling, "Can't you motherfuckers stay in line?" When I finally returned to Hawai'i Kai, I noticed my sister-in-law's car parked in the carport. She's already making herself at home. I ate a quick snack and boarded the bus back to town. I was actually packed to go and spend the night at Chez Loser. However, I knew that all I would do is buy more wine and get completely shit-faced. I ended up returning to Hawai'i Kai. Then, I went to Kahala Mall. I saw Mary Ann at Barnes & Noble. However, I did not make an effort to say hello. She was with another babe friend, so I assume that she's still single.

Sunday April 10

I have become keenly aware that I rarely see anyone in my age group out anywhere after 5pm. Nor do I see groups of old codgers running around at night. It's obvious that the nightlife is for either young people or people in relationships. Single old guys are at home with the tube. So, when I complete my move to Chez Loser, I am not sure of what I am going to do. There are so many activities that I want to do, especially at night (aside from bar-hopping), but I know of no one who cares to share in the activities. That's probably why I miss the college days, something that Shirley is experiencing right now. The majority of people just grow old, weary, and cynical. Whether married or single, they end up sitting in front of the tube for rest of their lives. There are readers who would adamantly disagree with me, but they are the exceptions to the rule. How many mainstream people would continue to read the journal for years? It's a select crowd. How do I know that I am correct? Well, just take a look at the number of overweight and obese people. That's over 60 percent of the population.

I am probably not going to spend any time at Chez Loser once I am there. I will most likely be out every night, just doing mundane shit like going to Barnes & Noble. Thus, it makes more sense if I move into town. These are logistics which I must resolve soon. I do not have the luxury of time. Well, today can be summarized as the same old shit. I made the usual jaunt to Chez Loser. Then, I ended up at Kahala Mall. I bought a Jamba Juice smoothie. Lately, I've been spending a lot of dough on stuff like that just to make me feel better. I spent most of my day in deep contemplation. I am going through a time that is creating a lot of anxiety and confusion as well. Once moms passes the house to my bro and I, our lives will change drastically. After my bro buys out my share, both he and I will no longer have any safety net. I can never return home if anything goes wrong. My bro will bear the responsibility of keeping a roof over his family and moms. I could retain the safety net if I retain my interest in the house. At this time, I don't find that acceptable. Volatile issues within my bro's family precludes that option. However, I plan to decrease the strife between all of us once my bro's family moves in.

I am wondering how long it's going to take to settle the disposition of moms' house. Lori said that it should have taken a maximum of three weeks. We're now in the second week, and not one thing has been accomplished. My bro needs to get a loan pre-approval immediately. That actually should be done before the attorney draws up the paperwork. "That paperwork will mean nothing if your brother cannot get the loan," Lori said. She's right. Even then, my bro said that he would take almost two months to move. Why is he going to pay an additional month of rent? This is why I do not understand my family.

Well, as you can imagine, my primary issue is the babe situation. Why is my mind locked on this shit? Actually, I know why. I am approaching the Viagra Years. I am dreading the day when the Vienna Sausage completely stops working. Couple this with the fact that I am beginning to feel real pangs of loneliness. I cannot seem to adjust as readily as I did in the past. The thought of moving into Chez Loser and living alone is causing deep anxiety. I can easily see myself sedating my mind with cheap booze every night just to ward off my demons. I suppose that's where all of my electronic toys will come into play. My Bose Acoustic Wave. My Samsung wide-screen LCD tube. My beloved iBook. Yeah, I'll have the ultimate bachelor pad for me, myself, and I. Well, I was about to disclose my secret, but I will save it for another day.

Late Note: Mister Ray has finally posted his farewell message on his blog. I was one of the few who was privy to the first draft about a month ago. I have also been entrusted with the details of what's been happening. I have kept this secret until now, but it is not my secret. Wishing you Godspeed, Mister Ray. All of us at LoserNet wish you the best!

Monday April 11

I am almost to the point of a complete breakdown. I got to see Kevin in action firsthand. Layton left early today, skipping out on his afternoon class. Kevin took it upon himself to report this matter to John, the Executive Director. I was there with him because we were both leaving the campus. I almost delivered street pizza as I listened to Kevin disparage Layton and ultimately calling for his termination. Kevin's motivation has nothing to do with improving the level of education at the Asylum. He's just trying to insure that he will have an overload of classes to pad his paycheck. The only way to do so is to eliminate the competition. If he really cared about the Asylum, he would improve his own classes. I'm not sure how he lives with himself. He has gained weight. He told me that his doctor had ordered him to lose 20 pounds. Odd, isn't it? After listening to him tell me that he and his wife were starving and eating Ramen noodles every night, he is gaining weight. We all have "skeletons in our closets" at the Asylum. Kevin is opening up a can of worms that is going to cause intense blowback. He is also know as "z" on Myspace. He's been quoting all of those Buddhist doctrines in the "blog." For the time being, I am safe from his reprisals. How long will that last?

I was happy to leave the Asylum. I only look forward to the night classes. None of this crap happens at night. I cleansed myself with a good workout at the gym. I felt dirty and disgraced when I left the Asylum. However, nothing will bring redemption for what I witnessed today. I was happy to spend time at the Diploma Mill. I had to finish my grading. I also chatted with Pseudo-professor Dorothy after her class. I walked her to Beretania Street. Apparently, Shirley, Prashamsa, and John were across the street. Pseudo-professor Dorothy and I were chatting when Shirley walked by and tugged my shirt. She's looking really hot, by the way. I ended up missing the express bus, so I went back to the faculty computer room for a few minutes. The bus ride back to Hawai'i Kai was not relaxing.

So far, there has been no progress with the "gifting" of moms' house. The attorney was too busy to talk with moms today. I am not even sure if my bro was able to discuss anything with Brenda. This stupidity could go on for months. Professor Lisa sent e-mail. She's going to check to see if I can get clearance for the Kau'i trip. She may also end up staying at Chez Loser during the time that she's on O'ahu. She said that she was going to call last weekend, but she has not changed cell phone service. Apparently, the cell coverage in her area is bad.

Monday April 12

What a day! Robert stopped by the faculty computer room at the Diploma Mill. He said that he was reprimanded at work. Apparently, two babes (term used loosely) caught him looking at Myspace. He happened to be checking out some of the scandalous pictures on a few babes' profiles. He was reported to his supervisor. He had to return to work, so he filled me in on the details as we walked out the building. We ran into Shirley. Robert continued on his way. Shirley said that she received her B-day present this morning. She also wants to go to lunch at the Spaghetti Factory on Tuesday. That will suffice as her B-day celebration. Thus, we won't break the tradition for the past few years. Shirley was looking hot as usual. She said that she was getting fat because she's been drinking beer lately. What the hell is she talking about? I've been noticing what a hottie she is lately. Actually, my mind started playing tricks on me. It's a good thing that I don't see much of her these days. My mind might snap. What I don't understand is why there aren't hordes of studs after her.

I chatted with Pseudo-professor Ralph after my class late this afternoon. I mentioned that I ran into Shirley and also that she has blossomed into quite a babe. Here's a snippet of subsequent conversation:

"So, why have you never taken it to the next level?" he asked. "I mean, you've been friends for a while. That would seem like a natural progression."

"Well, I didn't want to lose the friendship," I replied. "We've been friends for about four years now."

"You don't really have that anymore, right? So, what's the big deal?" he prodded. "And, why were you friends in the first place?"

"I don't really know," I said. I was caught by surprise with this question.

It's true. I am not exactly sure why Shirley and I are friends and why we've kept the friendship for so long. It's kind of amazing how many people have always asked me about my friendship with Shirley. They also always ask why I have never tried to go beyond the friendship with her. This was not the first time that Pseudo-professor Ralph broached the subject. And, Robert, Kevin, Chip, Professors Russell and Bryan, and several other people have brought this up often. I find it quite amusing.

At the Asylum, I discussed the situation about Kevin amongst the other faculty. I am really worried because Kevin is not the same person whom I knew just a few years ago. Coincidentally, Kevin called and left a message. I called him back. He had gone in to see John, the Executive Director, again concerning Layton. John apparently wants hard evidence. Kevin tried to persuade me to confront Layton about his accusations. Sorry, but I am not having any part of this bullshit.

When I returned to Hawai'i Kai, moms told me that she wants me to speak to the attorney. She also called my bro. I chatted with my bro for a few minutes. Apparently, Brenda only called back today, so my bro gave her the brush off. I knew this would happen. Now, I am not sure where he is going to get financing. The attorney had chatted with my bro, but he did not seem to understand anything she told him. I sat and chatted with moms for about 30 minutes to discuss this crazy situation. Moms has no idea what to do, given the fact that the attorney has completely befuddled her. My bro is clueless about what he needs to do, but he burned the bridge that I built for him. The whole thing is turning into a nightmare. I will now have to be the one to clean it up.  Frankly, I just want it to be over.

Tuesday April 13

I called the attorney this morning. The new plan calls for moms to "gift" half of the house to my bro. He will then obtain a mortgage to buy the other half from moms. Moms will take the money and pass it on to me in cash. The trick is to make sure that the mortgage is attached to the deed before title passes to my bro. Moms has a tax exclusion for up to $250,000 so some of the proceeds will be taxed. The attorney will figure out what the increase of the Fair Market Value of the house needs to be to cover the taxes. Therefore, moms will not pay any taxes. The whole process could take less than two weeks, provided that my bro can obtain the mortgage.

Kevin came by my class to chat with me. He had been in earlier to see John, the Executive Director of the Asylum. He told me that John felt that we were retaliating against Layton. I almost lost it. I told Kevin that I was not involved in this little game of his. He babbled on about a few other points, but I was too angry to even listen. This was the last straw, so I decided to speak with John. I exposed the whole situation for what it was. Kevin is simply trying to eliminate the competition so he will be guaranteed a large course load. John already knew what he was up to. In fact, Kim had told him. I am not exactly sure why Kim has been so supportive of Kevin when she knew that she was being manipulated by him. I also chatted with Layton. He already knew all the facts as well. This was not something that I wanted to do, but Kevin is totally out of control. How long before I would be his next victim?

I called Brenda this afternoon. I gave her the two possible options for moms, including what I had discussed with the attorney this morning. Brenda told me that my bro would not have to make a down payment. The loan would also be structured as a refinance loan. I also told Brenda that I did not expect my bro to call her back, but I would try to reason with him. As always, I went to the gym to do my usual workout. I spent the rest of the afternoon chatting with various pseudo-professors. I also had a nice discussion with Pseudo-professor Dorothy. I walked her to Kukui Plaza, where she parks her car. As we were walking along Fort Street Mall, I saw Shirley sitting with Prashamsa across the way. During the night shift at the Asylum, I chatted with James, Wayne, and Chip about what transpired earlier in the day.

When I returned to Hawai'i Kai, I briefed moms on my discussion with the attorney. I also passed on the information from Brenda. Moms called my bro and relayed the information. Apparently, my bro is pissed off with Brenda for not calling him back immediately. He is not going to call her back. He was extremely irritated with moms for even calling. Right now, everything rests with him. He needs to insure that he can secure a mortgage before the attorney can draft the paperwork. It really boils down to the fact that my bro and his wife want moms' house for free. They will balk and stall until they get their way.

Wednesday April 14

Everything is beginning to get on my nerves. It's all starting to affect my work. However, I made it through the day. The only redeeming part of the day was my gym time. As I was walking to the Asylum for my night shift, I saw someone waving from one of the sidewalk cafés. Turned out to be Shirley. She was sitting with Prashamsa. She waved and asked if I was going home. I told her that I was going back to work. Shirley was looking hot as usual. Shirley had a "party utensil," which is a given these days. I really am not understanding what she is doing. There's more than meets the eye, though.

When I arrived at the Asylum, I discovered that Chip and Kevin had an altercation earlier in the day. I had been joking to Chip about the file cabinets that he had left in the office I now share with Kevin. "My boy is getting a little antsy about all your stuff in here," I kept telling him. All of the faculty are being relocated to different offices. Chip was taking his time to move his stuff. Apparently, Kevin had Chip's stuff moved to the other office. Chip unloaded on Kevin. The tension as well as the animosity toward Kevin is rising.

When I returned to Hawai'i Kai, moms told me that my bro had gone to some other bank, and he is good for a loan. However, my bro would not give moms the information. The attorney needs the information to complete the paperwork. Moms wants me to lower the price of the house make things easier on my bro. I am not willing to do so. I said that we should stay at Fair Market Value. I hope that my bro is not yanking everyone's chain. I want this deal done and over with by the end of the month. Moms unloaded some bullshit on me which really made me rethink my loyalty to the family. As I've said before, I have a really dysfunctional family. Once my bro's family moves back in, the shit will hit the fan. I will most likely not return to Hawai'i Kai again, even to just visit. I am going to start moving the rest of my stuff over to Chez Loser. I expect to be there full-time by the end of next month.

Friday April 15

This morning, moms told me that my bro and I should lower the price below Fair Market Value. Moms want to give the bro a break. So, I agreed to $575,000 as the value basis of the house. Mind you, my bro will only need a loan for half that amount. The other half will be given to him. This whole thing is beginning to get on my nerves. I had to attend another faculty meeting. All of these meetings are the result of Kevin's machinations. Almost all the faculty no longer care for Kevin. I did my usual routine for the day. I ended up back at the faculty computer room at the Diploma Mill by late afternoon. I was supposed to go to Indigo Happy Hour with Pseudo-professor Ralph. However, he was still working on his tax returns. He did show up at 5:30pm. Pseudo-professor Dorothy and I were chatting at the time. We all ended up staying until 7:30pm. I had a lot of fun. Most of the time, Pseudo-professor Dorothy and I were on Myspace. When I returned to Hawai'i Kai, moms told me that I should agree to a value basis of $550,000 for the house in order to help my bro even more. I was fuming. His mortgage will now be lower than mine. I agreed anyway because moms asked. Moms and I had a long discussion afterward. I am seeing that moms is being influenced by my bro and his wife. I am able to override the brainwashing after applying sound reasoning. Moms is stressed out over the whole thing. She wants it done and over with. So do I.

The real problem, of course, is that the whole financial structure of my family and the family dynamic will change once title passes to my bro. My bro could lose the house at any time, if he is not able to meet his financial obligations or if he is served divorce papers. Neither he or I will have the safety net of returning to moms' house. Moms will have no security either, since she no longer owns the house. My only advantage is that I will have a large stock of cash. Most of it will be saved, just in case there is a need to pay any of moms' medical expenses. I am planning for this contingency because I know that my bro won't be doing the same. Everything that is relatively stable now will change overnight.

My situation is becoming quite tenuous. I will be fully moved into Chez Loser very soon. I will have to purchase a new washer and dryer immediately. I will also need a car or truck. I will have to purchase property insurance as well. I am much more worried about my fragile mental state. The babe situation is getting to me. In addition, I have to deal with my secret. I discussed the morbid nature of my secret in the "blog" today. My secret is becoming a bigger problem with each passing day. I am not sure what I am going to do. I have already determined that I will have to make a life-style change once I move to Kane'ohe. I have several ideas, which I will delineate in the journal later. This can be a time of new opportunities. A new beginning. I will have some economic freedom, so I should try to enjoy life. I am reviewing all contingencies as we speak.

Saturday April 16

An uneventful day. I made the benign journey to Chez Loser. I stopped off at Safeway to buy a couple of bottles of wine. To make a long story short, I was hammered in no time. I departed at 1pm. I spent most of my time contemplating my situation. Hard as it may be to believe, I am able to better think things out when I am hammered. There are several issues that I am grappling with:

1. Babe situation
2. Living alone in Kane'ohe
3. Life-style changes

The babe situation is the real killer. I suppose that I will have to run down the clock while I continue to experience extreme anxiety. What else can I do? Nothing is going to change since I am definitely not planning to find a babe in my age-group. It's not worth it. There is no way that I am going to tolerate the baggage from prior relationships. I've already been through that. It will be close to impossible to hook up with a young hottie, so I have no choice but to wait it out until the Vienna Sausage stops working completely.

Living alone is not too bad, although it will be more difficult thanks to "geriatric anxiety." I enjoyed living alone in the Roach Motel in Convalescent City. However, that was after a long bout of partying and social addiction. I essentially became a monk. That's how LoserNet came about. I had just gone on the wagon as well. Then, I got involved with Lori. We lived a fairy tale romance for about a year. When we moved to Hawai'i, everything fell apart. It's all in the journal. However, the fairy tale romance part is what has screwed me up permanently. I long to go through another experience like that again. All Lori and I did was spend time with each other because we didn't have to work. There were minor altercations, but the latter were surprisingly few given how much time we spent together. And, of course, there's every guy's dream of doin' da wild thing four or five times every day. This is why the babe situation never goes away.

Life-style changes have to happen. I've got to start enjoying what's left of my ambulatory years. I will have to purchase a car. Most likely, it will be a truck. I want to take up ocean kayaking and/or surfing. I was in competitive swimming for years. I love the water. I don't know why I haven't taken up any water sports. I will change my schedule since I won't have any kind of curfew. I will probably go the gym during prime time. I want to do a few aerobics classes again. Perhaps I can meet some new people as well. I'd rather meet gym people because I have more in common with them than, say, barflies. I want to spend as little time at Chez Loser as possible. That's also why I need to find a smaller and cheaper place to live.

Shirley is the only friend who lives in the Windward area. Since I rarely see her now, I don't expect to see much more of her in the future. She is apparently spending most of her time with Prashamsa. I don't think that she's spending any time with Seth's group. I have a feeling that Dean may have hooked up with someone else, so there is not much reason to hang out with that group. I am still wondering what will happen next month. She will be taking her last class in a short Summer session. So, she's done at the end of June. She will have plenty of time on her hands after that, if she's not working at a full-time job. What the hell is she going to do? Party non-stop with Prashamsa? Well, Ramona and I were trying to guide her in the right direction, but we were cast to the wayside. Oh well.

Sunday April 17

Once again, I have more stuff for the archive. I include them as I remember them. Shirley had told me that one of her friends is a palm reader. The friend told Shirley that she will eventually end up married. The marriage will last although there will be many up and down times. Her friend also said that Shirley will get a doctorate. Shirley had mentioned that she bought 10 DVDs in what allegedly was a binge purchase. "I don't know why I did that," she added. Since the "party utensils" are now an integral part of her lifestyle, she must be spending at least $5 per pack per day. That's $150 per month. She's drinking beer now instead of mixed drinks. Michelob Ultra. "Only 99 calories per bottle," she said. And, it is cheaper than mixed drinks. I'm not sure how she is affording this life-style. I check her Myspace profile every now and then to see if I can piece anything together, just as she checks the "blog" and the journal. There are just too many comments about drinking and getting hammered. There is something that happened right after Spring Break which was a disappointment to her. Incidentally, I am fairly certain that something is not right. It goes beyond being "lost," as Ramona had mentioned. It's beyond being a "phase," as Shirley claims. And, the "innocence" thing, as Erin described, is only the tip of the iceberg. The excessive drinking, the "party utensils," the inability to stay at home, and the excessive spending are signs of a major life problem. If I were to guess, I'd say that Shirley has shut down and is now engaged in any kind of diversion to escape something that's not right in her life. It's the classic "fight or flight" situation. Her only safety net is the fact that she lives with her parents. Shirley keeps telling me that she's just having fun. I would have agreed with her if it did not escalate into a daily regimen.

I also believe that guys are at the heart of the problem for Shirley. I have told her that most guys don't want to settle down until they are in their mid-thirties. True, there are exceptions. However, most guys basically want a relationship to get a steady source of da wild thing. When the pool starts to dwindle, then they think about settling down. That's neither here nor there. I find it kind of humorous, though. Shirley wants to find a guy and settle down. The ol' lavahead wants to find a babe and settle down. Neither of us would be doing the stupid things that we are doing if we had found our dream mates. This is a classic case of ships passing in the night. And, this really is the comedy of life at its best.

Another day of the same old shit. Naturally, I was hammered again. I stopped off at Kahala Mall. I was there last night as well. I ran into Chip, but we did not get a chance to chat. When I returned to Hawai'i Kai, moms told me that my bro wants to lower the value basis of the house to $535,000 after his alleged intensive investigation of prices. How can that be since I have the realtors' comps? The comps are what the appraisers use. Moms has been bamboozled by my bro again, so I had to capitulate once again. I expect several more rounds of these "negotiations." Moms also feels really sorry for my bro, even though his mortgage will effectively be less than mine. It's exactly as Lori had told me. My bro and his wife were expecting to get the house for free. That may still happen. Moms wants the whole thing done and over with, so my bro will have the upper hand with his continued negotiations. He will stall and continue to lower the price. Moms will keep giving in. I called Lori, just because I was so frustrated. I have no other friend who would understand. Lori's predictions are coming true. Duke also made similar predictions on Speak! IV.

Monday April 18

Moms will attempt to lock the value basis of the house at $535,000 when she contacts the attorney today. My bro requested the deed to the house. I told moms to have the attorney handle the situation. The mortgage must be tied to the deed, or my bro will get moms' house for free. Moms has been siding with my bro more and more, feeling sorry for him at every instance. Wait until he takes over the house. All hell is going to break loose. Moms will be living under totalitarian rule. Perhaps that is what moms wants. That's the way pops ruled the household. By the way, moms accused me of greed just because I save money. Can you tell who the source of this shit is? If my bro will finally go to the bank and get the loan, this whole affair will be over by the end of the month. My bro and his family should be able to move into their home on June 1st. I will have $267,000 more in the bank for a grand total of $378,000 or so. Of course, this does nothing to solve my real dilemma. Yes, the babe situation and the other issues that I listed. I am not complaining, though. If the deal goes through, then I am one fortunate mofo.

I neglected to mention that I saw Shirley's new party pictures up on her Myspace profile. She's a hottie. That's why I don't understand what she's doing. Well, it's actually a blessing that she did not go to the UH. She would have been in deep shit with the partying there, far worse than the situation at the Diploma Mill. And, frankly, she's not doing the kind of partying that I used to do. The situation with Shirley has made me reminisce about those days. I guess that I am sort of envious that I cannot be tearin' it up anymore. Most people grow out of that phase. I never did. What is curious to me is that I did not see Ramona's picture at all in the gallery. Prior to the party pictures, Shirley had some "innocent" pictures of family and friends. Ramona was not included then either.

I called the attorney this morning. Moms had apparently called a little earlier. I was able to clarify what was going on with my bro's family. The attorney seemed to understand what was happening. Moms wanted some kind of guarantee or contract to be able to remain in the house for the rest of her life. That is not going to be possible without severe tax ramifications. My bro would not be able to get a loan either if moms retain interest in the house. The attorney wanted me to make sure that moms understood all of that. I assured her that I would discuss the matter with moms. The attorney is also drawing up two deeds and a contract which will allow moms to sue for return of the property contingent on payment. The attorney had also made it clear to my bro that nothing can go forward until she speaks with someone at their lending institution. So far, my bro has not even provided the name of the lending institution itself. This is highly suspicious. My bro apparently got some kind of pre-qualification, but that means shit. I also told the attorney that I want to lock the basis value of moms' house at $535,000 and prevent further negotiations. The attorney agreed with me. I have already conceded and additional $100,000 of equity to my bro.

The rest of the day was the same old shit. Kevin called this afternoon. He claims that someone ransacked his office and stole a bunch of supplies and important paperwork. Everything was fine when I left on Friday. I believe that this is some kind of set-up. He's trying to implicate Kim, the Director of Education, and the other faculty. Kevin has already alienated himself. I am his only friend, and that's borderline right now. When I returned to Hawai'i Kai, I had a discussion with moms about what's going on. Moms said she was very disappointed with the attorney because the latter could not guarantee that moms will live in the house permanently. I had to explain to moms the situation. I also told moms that she should just keep 100 percent interest in the house if she wants that kind of guarantee. Moms also gave me a check for $14,000 from her IRA. I am going to set up a special account for it, since it is moms' money. I am just going to shelter it for now. The final step in this whole affair is left in my bro's hands. Until he has someone from the bank call the attorney, nothing will happen. This will be interesting.

Tuesday April 19

Shirley and I went to lunch at the Spaghetti Factory at Ward Center again. Her friend Teri was working and so we were seated at one of her tables. For the most part, Shirley and I had a Power Lunch consisting of a lot of brewskis. We had an interesting discussion that got more interesting as the afternoon progressed. Teri sat and chatted with Shirley a few times. Teri mentioned how Neal still has a thing for Shirley during the course of the conversation. Shirley and I ended up going to Detox after that. Shirley naturally missed her class. I did not go to the gym. We had more drinks and more interesting discussions. I had to go to my class at 3:40pm. Shirley's class was canceled. After my class was over, we ended up at Detox again. I was late to the Asylum for my evening class. We caught up on a lot of nonsense. I was not going to tell Shirley about what was going on with moms' house, but I ended up giving her a brief synopsis. There is a lot more that we discussed, mostly about her. I have come to discover what she's been up to. She's been hanging out with Prashamsa a lot. Prashamsa lives with her boyfriend, who happens to have worked with Shirley's brother a long time ago. Shirley told me about Jeff, a friend of Prashamsa and her boyfriend. He was apparently interested in Shirley, but Shirley is not interested in him. The guy is in his thirties. Our discussion became more surreal as we had more drinks. Shirley is planning to go to Italy with Prashamsa in July for two weeks. She also said that she was maintaining a front of being a "good girl" for the last three years. "That's not me," she added. She also mentioned that Jason, her ex-BoyToy, was made to feel quite satisfied, even though they did not do da wild thing. I told her that, if it was me, I would have sent her home instead of having to take a cold shower. She also told me that she's happy doing things on her own, but she's lonely. We discussed a few other topics. I am not sure about what is going on, but I sense there is more than meets the eye.

Here is where things are going to get quite nebulous. Shirley was looking really hot today. As a matter of fact, my mind started playing tricks on me. This brings me finally to my secret. The one day that Shirley came over to visit at Chez Loser, the day we ordered pizza, I was so overwhelmed by how she looked. She was wearing a skimpy black top with board shorts. I saw her when she arrived and parked in my carport stall. I saw her looking in the mirror and fluffing her hair and making sure that she looked good. A she walked up to my place, I really noticed what a babe she was. I surmise that the many times everyone has brought up Shirley to me has finally started to make me think. Whenever I saw her, I was going insane. That's what happened to John (at Heald). I've always known that Shirley is a hottie. I just chose to ignore it because we have been friends for so long. Now, in my moment of weakness, I cannot ignore the fact that I developed a thing for her. It got so bad that I had to disassociate from her a few weeks ago. That's the real reason I had to disassociate from her. Out of sight, out of mind. I am trying to restore our friendship, but I still have a thing for her. As was the case with the former friend, I am going to maintain my distance. It's going to be difficult. However, I don't anticipate that I will see much of her anyway. It is gamble for me to include this in the journal, but I must reveal the truth. I will not be acting on my feelings. I will just grin and bear it. I am taking a risk by including my confession in the journal. If she were to read this, she may misunderstand and I will lose her as a friend. I cannot help that I am a guy. I cannot help that I have become attracted to my hottie friend. The only difference is that I will not act upon it. Shirley was quite repulsed by Jeff, the thirty-something clown who has the hots for her. So, what if Shirley starts hanging out with me more when I move to Chez Loser? If that happens, however remote, I must keep myself in check. At lunch, I told Shirley that no guy just want to be friends with babes. "Well, we're friends," she said. If only she knew. This is the secret that I have been keeping now for over two months.

Wednesday April 20

I received a call from moms' attorney this morning. The attorney wants me to collect as much documentation about moms' house and hand deliver it tomorrow. Documents include the deed and any progressive documentation concerning the latter. My bro was able to get financing. The representative from his bank has been in touch with the attorney. The attorney is now preparing the final paperwork for delivery. Transfer of the property to my bro could happen as early as next week. The attorney said that payment will probably take three more weeks. I will have to mobilize and take care of everything to insure a quick move to Chez Loser. I will also be looking to purchase a big-ass truck, pimped out, if possible. Shirley wants me to get a Dodge Ram. I am more partial to the Ford F-150. In any case, with moms' final approval of the transfer, I will be out of the house sometime next month. This is the end of an era. I also set up a separate savings account for the money moms gave me. If moms gives me any additional money, I will put it all in that account.

At the Asylum, I was quite a celebrity amongst the faculty for showing up completely hammered last night. I have attained legendary status. It was hilarious. When I went back for the night shift, there were even more laughs to be had. I had told Chip and Kevin individually about what happened. In other words, I told them that I was out partying with Shirley. They both told me the usual nonsense, that I should go after Shirley. Well, that's coincident with my secret. However, we all know that nothing is going to happen on my watch.

A few other things Shirley told me last night. Shirley's parents are planning to charge her rent once she graduates. She said that she has already made arrangements to become a regular part-time employee at Daiei. That will at least give her health benefits. She's not planning to look for a job until she returns from Europe in mid-July. Her sister's wedding also will happen then. I am not too keen on the idea of waiting that long to find a job, but that's her decision. I still suspect that the whole issue is guys. She wants to date again, but there is no one that she has in mind. The issue is really common to both of us. If we had hooked up with our dream mates, we would not be doing the stupid things that we are doing now. It's quite obvious by parts of the conversation that we had yesterday. Here's a snippet:

"You're a hottie. You can get any guy you want," I said.

"Then, why have I been single for three years?"

"I'm in the same boat."

"Well, you can get any girl you want."

"Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaa! Like who?"

As I said before, ships passing in the night. Too bad the ships don't collide.

To be continued ... Go to E.23