The Exodus Files
Exit Strategy

Thursday April 21, 2005

Moms has been stressed out over the disposition of the house. In fact, moms admitted to not sleeping well. The latest is that moms wanted to change her mind. She was thinking of waiting a year and giving my bro the time to save $100,000 or so. I laughed. He couldn't save a fraction of that amount in 20 years. Moms was afraid that they won't be able to meet the mortgage payments ten years from now. Then, they will all be homeless. I am certain that something will happen much sooner than that. However, I told moms that the interest rates may go up next year. Then, my bro's mortgage will be even higher. So, moms is sticking with the plan. I delivered all of the documentation requested by the attorney. She's going to start on the paperwork immediately. She was also going to call moms to make sure that the plan was still on. I assume that the house will be turned over to my bro as early as next week. The payment won't be received by moms for at least another three weeks. Then, the check will be turned over to me. I will be helping moms prepare the house for my bro to move in. I will also be moving the rest of my stuff over to Chez Loser.

I received Myspace e-mail from Shirley. She added me back into her Friends Space. She said that she had a good time on Tuesday. She also said that she was really bored, so she spending a lot of time on Myspace. She did a few of the on-line surveys and posted the results in bulletins. I am not sure if she knows that I was able to see the bulletins since I am in her Friends Space. I saved a copy as a text file and may link it here. It was quite revealing. She's making herself sound horny for some reason. I am sure that there are plenty of guys who like to help her with that problem. From what I could tell, she's spending most of her time with Prashamsa and her boyfriend, Swain. They live in Kane'ohe. Other people in the gang are John and Liza, all of whom work as student help at the Learning Resource Center at the Diploma Mill. I am also certain that Shirley only goes home to sleep and shower. That's what she told Teri on Tuesday. She's eating her meals out, and she hangs out with her gang until late at night. I am not sure why she's staying away from home. Could she be struggling to find her independence? Most of her current school friends are living on their own, mainly because they are not Hawai'i residents. Yet, it is eye-opening enough for her to see how restrictive living at home can be. I also confirmed that Shirley does still read the "blog." When I decided to tell her about the situation with moms' house, she said, "Oh, that's what . . ." Then, she stopped herself. She most likely realized what I was referring to as the "Big Event." I've also observed a few other curious things, but I'll omit them for now. At one point on Tuesday, she said, "I have no regrets. Everything will be fine. Everything will work out." I did not feel any comfort hearing the latter. Rather, I think that she's pretty scared of what's coming up right around the corner.

I ran into Pseudo-professor Ralph in the faculty computer room at the Diploma Mill in the afternoon. He was fooling around on Myspace and happened to notice that Shirley was back in my Friends Space. I told him that I had sent a "friend request" after my discussion with Shirley on Tuesday at her insistance. Somehow that led into a discussion about my secret. I disclosed the details and also mentioned that he and several others were responsible. Our chat then digressed into the same kind of discussion that made me start looking at Shirley in a different light. Pseudo-professor Ralph was once again urging me to pursue Shirley. I argued my usual position that I am not the kind of guy whom Shirley is looking for. Even though I was steadfast in my arguments, my resolve was weakening. Fortunately, I do not plan to act upon my stupidity. It will be business as usual. What is interesting about life is that there is only so much time before the game is over. Age is the disqualifier. I am rapidly approaching the time when Bingo is all that I will have. Sad, isn't it? I have so little in common with my age group. Almost everyone thinks that I'm in my mid-thirties. It's a blessing and a curse. The blessing is obvious. The curse is that I am not that age. I looked in the mirror at the gym today. I still have the physique of someone not any older than thirty, if not less. I am not taking really good care of myself as is plainly obvious by my extensive drinking. However, I seem to be aging rather gracefully, at least physiologically speaking. The fact that I don't act my age either seems to be the key. After moms' estate is settled, I plan to act even younger and do the things that I've wanted to do. That might even include finding a young hottie. Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaaa!

Friday April 22

I deleted that fucking useless piece of shit Speak! IV last night. Aside from a handful of people who provided useful comments, I do not need any more feedback. A few dickheads may accuse me of censoring the board. Who the fuck cares? I am chronicling my life as I see fit, whether I careen down the path of destruction or not. I don't need any fat, sack o' shit, armchair quarterbacks to show me how to play the game. Comments are still enabled on the "blog," by the way. It dawned upon me that Shirley is doing the same thing. Shirley just doesn't give a shit anymore. The only reason that I am the sole one left of her older friends is because I no longer attempt to chastise her about what she's doing. I was a hypocrite anyway. Yep, I was even partaking of the "party utensils" with her on Tuesday. She's out of control, but I've been out of control for a longer time. "I have no regrets. Everything will be fine. Everything will work out," she said. It's my favorite eleventh-hour philosophy. It worked for me. Why can't it work for Shirley? One of the wisest things that Kevin may have told me is that it may not matter which path we take. He lived the straight-arrow life-style. I was the exact opposite. Are either of us any further ahead than the other? And, did either of us turn out for the worse? Not really. I should have been the one to fail. I didn't. I am doing better than I ever imagined. Each day, I offer thanks to the Almighty for this gift. Shirley is right. She will do just fine. She doesn't need to hear any crap. Neither do I.

Another day of the same old shit. The highlight of the day was when Robert, the Asylum IT guy, and Vivian, the former Human Resources person, and I met at Indigo. We ended up at Mai Tai Bar in Ala Moana later. I was completely hammered but I recall that Vivian was coming on to me toward the latter part of the evening. She was putting her hands all over the ol' lavahead's physique and telling me that I have a "hot" body. I wish I was kidding about this, but I am not. I was quite sickened by what happened. Why can't a young hottie come on to the ol' lavahead?

Saturday April 23

The incident at Mai Tai Bar last night with Vivian is a case of "wanting what one cannot have." We already know that the ol' lavahead wants what he cannot have. Shirley's friend, Seth, wanted what he could not have. He wanted to hook up with Shirley. She put him in the FriendZone® and then put a picture of him in her Myspace gallery. The caption reads, "my best guy friend Seth." That's the "kiss of death." Shirley wanted Dean, but that never happened. Incidentally, I discovered that Shirley did have a crush on Dean, as she admitted in one of the survey bulletins. It was beyond casual interest, as she suggested. I made several observations in the journal during the month of March. This is when Shirley's partying ramped up. She also stopped contacting me and possibly Ramona. She also started hanging around her Diploma Mill gang more. I am certain that she found something out about Dean then. The disappointment may have triggered the behavior that I am seeing now. Also, in her survey bulletins, Shirley mentioned that she wants to be married before she turns thirty. I'll go out on a limb by saying that I am certain the latter is her first priority. I will also go out on a limb by saying that the chain of events with guys, from Erin's ex-husband to Jason to Dean, have been instrumental in creating the downward spiral of continuous partying and hanging out. It's a possible self-destructive reaction. I remember many of my conversations with Shirley from a few years ago. She claims to have been feigning innocence then. In other words, she was just acting the part. I don't think so. I recall when she chastised me for cussing. That was not an act. She told me about her values, especially concerning da wild thing. That was not an act. The "new" Shirley is an act. It was also obvious from the survey bulletins that Shirley has no idea about what she's going to do in the future. She's lost, just as Ramona said. I can summarize everything that I observe as the classic "fight or flight" scenario. The next few months will prove interesting.

Another day of the same old shit. In the "blog," I use the term "same ol' shit." What's funny, is that Shirley used the latter in one of her survey comments, yet another indication that she reads the "blog." The "blog" is actually turning out to be my journal. And, the journal has now become an archive of chronological facts, analysis and conjecture. I am beginning to wonder if I should discontinue the journal entirely. The "blog" is much more humorous than the journal, that's for sure. I have a really good time writing that crap. Most of the "blog" is following the real-life happenings. Some stuff is just my imagination gone crazy. Still no word from the attorney about moms' house. I am assuming that the whole process will be completed next week. I was feeling shitty for most of the day because I was shit-faced last night. I ended up at Kahala Mall tonight. I bought "Buzzin' Fly 2," another Deep House CD compilation. When I finally buy a big-ass truck, I will be cruising in style with House Music. By the way, I am the only one in my age group who listens to House Music.

I will be continuing to grapple with issues surrounding "geriatric anxiety" for a long time to come. These issues have come to the forefront. They must be resolved, or I will never enter into the afterlife so familiar to people like The Master. I will be discussing these issues extensively in the journal. All I will hear now are my own thoughts. No more extraneous noise. No more of this "act your age" shit.

Sunday April 24

Yet another day of the same ol' shit. I have become significantly unnerved about my situation. Perhaps you are wondering why. I have the townhouse and all my electronic toys. I will soon have a big-ass truck. And, I will have significant cash reserves. What more can anyone ask for, right? Wrong. We all know what's missing. I keep wondering when the renunciation will come to me, as Anonder had described. It does not seem to be coming too easy. I am now working on Plan B, the alternative plan which may expedite the renunciation process. I have no other choice. There is no resolution to this problem. More on Plan B later.

I chatted with John in Modesto for about two hours. At least I was able to use up some of my cell phone minutes. We were able to catch up each other's lives, although John pretty much knew what was up with the ol' lavahead. He still peruses the journal every now and then. It was nice to talk to someone. I spend most of my days in complete solitude. I am thankful to have a job that allows me to interface with many people on a daily basis. So, my social needs are met during the week. In fact, I spend almost all of my work day engaged in conversation. The weekends are difficult because I no longer run with a group of people. When I finally move in Chez Loser, I may lose it. Good thing I have cable! John and Julie are doing fine. I probably cannot recognize their son Gianni anymore. I will be making it a point to visit Cali soon. I need to get away before I lose my mind.

Monday April 25

I may have to find a way to archive my "blog." Everyone's migrating there from the journal. Even Anonder is in my Friends Space now. Kevin commented that he must read the blog every day because it gives him a good laugh. It's like an on-line party. I will probably make more stupid additions to my profile. Aside from that, today was the same old shit from the wage slave perspective. I was able to chat with Pseudo-professor Dorothy this afternoon. I told her about the incident at the Mai Tai Bar. We had an interesting discussion about the problems we senior citizens face. She admitted that going out is a problem because there are nothing but young people everywhere. I really don't get it. Why can't we get along and mingle with young people? I've been doing this for a long time. Everyone complains about the "generation gap," but it is perpetuated with that kind of thinking. That's why my desire to hook up with a young hottie is frowned upon. Age discrimination is perpetrated by almost everyone. To me, it's all hypocritical bullshit which further segregates our society. Then, the old codgers cannot understand why the younger generation would just prefer putting them all in rest homes. Out of sight, out of mind. It would also behoove all of the old farts to take better care of themselves in order to remain young in body and mind. That's what I am planning to do. Yeah, if I could find a senior citizen hottie, I may change my mind. However, take a look around. The majority of people have let themselves go after thirty. Over 60 percent of the population is overweight, with half of that number being obese. I don't care to hear all the bullshit about how we should just care about what's in the heart. Looks don't matter. That's fucking bullshit! We all can do a lot to make ourselves look good within our physical limitations. This is not vanity. It shows that a person cares about himself or herself.

I saw Shirley sitting across Fort Street Mall with Prashamsa this afternoon before her class. She's looking hot as always. I have not heard from her since last week. She appears to still be reading the blog. I find that strange. Moms said that the attorney is still working on the paperwork. For the most part, I want to expedite the process. It's going to be a big change in my life. However, I will buying a big-ass truck. And, I will be activating Plan B.

Tuesday April 26

An uneventful day. Same ol' shit, that is, until I ran into Shirley after my afternoon class at the Diploma Mill. "Wanna have a beer" she asked. We ended up at the Mercury Bar. She is such a hottie and she is also a very dangerous babe. I have learned that she is planning to continue on the path she has chosen until she finds "true love." What I find interesting is that she said, "I will become responsible when I am married and have kids." For the time being, she is going to continue to have fun. She also said that she was "good" for a few years because of Ramona. However, she does not want to end up like Ramona. So, being good is being boring, which may ultimately end up in being single forever. Shirley can drink quite a bit. For a babe her size, that's quite surprising. She appears to have a very competitive attitude toward guys as well. I ended up meeting her and some of her Diploma Mill gang at Detox later. Shirley is putting on a small beer gut. The "party utensils" also appear to taking a small toll on her. Mind you, she is still quite the hottie. I left at 8:30pm. Shirley was going to leave shortly afterward because she had to drive back to Kailua to pick up Seth. They were to meet Seth's gang in town for more partying.

I am hanging out with Shirley when I can because I probably won't see her at all after next week. The term ends at the Diploma Mill. Shirley is taking one class in the next term which begins two weeks from now. The class meets twice per week at 5pm. That's why I doubt that I will see her around. The class will run until the first week of July. Then, Shirley is done with school. She will be going to Italy with Prashamsa for two weeks. So, after that, I will probably not see her for a very long time since she will have no reason to be in town. I suppose that's good. I still have a thing for her. So, out of sight, out of mind. I need to concentrate on getting my own life together.

I am still a little worried about Shirley, and not because of my own feelings. I am already seeing her "social addiction" running rampant. When she has even more free time on her hands, she'll go hog wild. It's not an easy addiction to break. Her stories keep changing. When she started hanging out at the Mercury bar back in October, she said that it was a "phase." She always does that after a break-up with a guy, she added. Now, she tells me that I am seeing the "real" Shirley. This is the way she was before Ramona tried to change her. Mind you, she's talking about high school. After next week, I will have no idea what happens to her.

Wednesday April 27

This was supposed to be my day off. However, I have procrastinated with my lecture note preparation, so I had no choice. I did not get much done. I ended up calling Lori. She met me in town this afternoon. We walked over to Starbuck's for iced coffee. I told her about the incident last Friday at Mai Tai Bar. I also told her about Happy Hour with Shirley yesterday. Lori is interested in doing a few outdoor activities with me this Summer. I also mentioned my plan to purchase a big-ass truck. We had a nice chat. I told her the senior citizen life-style for me is very lonely and that I really want to be in a relationship. "I miss the companionship and da wild thing," I said. Lori laughed. "Well, when you're married, it's gone in a year-and-a-half," she said. I don't think that she was making a joke. I am really glad for my friendship with Lori. At one point, I never thought that we would ever be friends again. She's probably my best babe friend.

The rest of the day was uneventful. I had a short chat with Pseudo-professor Dorothy. I walked with her to the parking structure. I was lamenting about "geriatric anxiety" and the fact that I am a senior citizen. "You're not a senior citizen," she said. "You're still middled-aged, and you've been going through mid-life crisis. You have to be seventy-five to be a senior citizen." I laughed so hard. I told her that she made my day. I was in a great mood after that.

Thursday April 28

An uneventful day, mostly the same old shit. When I walked in the faculty computer room at the Diploma Mill, I saw Pseudo-professor Ralph reading the "blog." He believes that I should expose the "Big Secret." I said that I would do so in due time. At the Asylum, one of my former students, Ron, chatted with me about the "blog." He said that it was the funniest thing he's every read. There are a number of people who are reading the "blog." In fact, many journal readers have now converted to the "blog," as page views for the journal are down. The "blog" is pathetically funny, I must admit. I ran into Shirley as I walking to the Asylum. She was outside with her gang. I chatted with her for a few minutes. She's such a hottie. If only she knew that my mind was ready to snap as I stood there talking with her.

I also called moms' attorney. The attorney called me back and left a message. She's still working on the documents. She may have them done tomorrow, but I have no idea when the signing will take place. My bro and sister-in-law have also been calling. They must be in hurry to move into their home. I hope that the attorney had covered both moms and I. We could both easily be screwed over.

Friday April 29

Another uneventful day, mostly the same old shit. I was not in a really good mood. I had so many students taking make-up quizzes at the Diploma Mill. It's all last minute bullshit. I almost went off. I was not able to round anyone up to go to Indigo Happy Hour. So, I stayed late with Pseudo-professor Dorothy in the faculty computer room. We had a really nice chat. We also sat outside on Fort Street Mall a couple of times to indulge in the "party utensils." I can blame Shirley for getting me started. Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaa!

Professor Lisa called and left a message. She's not sure of her plans to visit Hawai'i, except for the hiking trip to Kaua'i. She has not been able to get clearance for me to go along. She is still trying to contact the person in charge. She's flying to Florida tomorrow, but she will call me sometime during the weekend. We'll have a lot to talk about. I miss Professor Lisa. She's a really good person.

Moms told me that the attorney delivered the paperwork to my sister-in-law today. They will be bringing the paperwork on Sunday to sign it along with moms. The bank appraisor came by and appraised the house at $500,000 or so. Moms was upset that we may have agreed upon a price that's too high. That's the fucking bank's appraisor. Obviously, the idiot didn't read the real estate comps. In addition, the appraised value has nothing to do with Fair Market Value. Fortunately, all of this is moot. The paperwork is using the agreed upon price. Moms also said that my bro's payments will be about $2,000 per month. He got rooked. Had he gone through Brenda, it would have been lower. Well, that's his problem, not mine.

Saturday April 30

About five months have gone by since the Big Five-O, and I have done nothing to change my plight. I am still living the loser's life. My latest excuse is that I am waiting for the settlement of moms' estate before I can begin to live my life. I expect to be living full-time in Chez Loser before the end of May. There will be so many things to do to get myself set up for independent living. The biggest project will be to buy a car. Expenses will be going through the roof. Lori also sent e-mail. She's excited by the plans to do some Summer activities. We are probably going to start in two weeks, after she gets back from a business trip. Robert had also mentioned that he wanted to get a group together for Summer activities. However, I doubt that will happen. He's yet to even join the gym, although he talks about it everytime I see him. He's got one month left of employment. After that, he's going to have plenty of free time on his hands. On Thursday, Shirley said that she's got only one final, but she has a lot of projects due. She's left them until the last minute. These are probably the last two weeks that I will see her, but she denies the latter. A couple of weeks ago, she told me that she is paying for the trip to Italy as a graduation present to herself. That's not a cheap ticket. I am wondering if her "no regrets" philosophy is putting her in deep shit financially.

The "blog" has taken over for the journal as evidenced by the almost non-existent page views for the journal. The journal is now just an archive of facts. I am cutting down the content, but I will express my thoughts when necessary. I ended up hammerd as usual at Chez Loser. The fucking loser upstairs was pacing for most of the time that I was there. I kid you not. When I took out the trash, I could see him pacing back and forth while talking on the phone. The townhouses are built fairly well with a lot of insulation. However, doughboy stomps when he walks. I can hear him walking in the parking lot, if you can believe it. When I returned to town, I stopped in the faculty computer room at the Diploma Mill. Normally, it's closed on Saturday. Pseudo-professor Mike and another faculty member were there. He had brought wine in a discreet container. The next thing I knew, we were partying up.

I ended up at Kahala Mall later in the evening. It was depressing to see everyone paired up. The single losers stood out like sore thumbs. I walked over to Barnes & Noble. I went straight to the café to get a cup of coffee. I noticed a hottie gathering some magazines. She put them on a table in the café. I was standing in line. She came up and stood behind me. The reason that I noticed that she was a hottie was because she standing so close to me. She ended up sitting alone for about an hour, reading a magazine and drinking her coffee. She was probably in her early thirties, but she was hot. I had a hard time believing that a babe like that would be out by herself on a Saturday night. It dawned upon me why I, Robert, The Master and all the other single guys are losers. We do not have the confidence or ability to approach babes like that. Even if we did approach the babes, we would fuck it up big-time. That's why it's over. I've been fretting about nothing because I won't do anything about it. However, let's face it. A babe like the one I saw tonight is way out of the General Noriega league.

Sunday May 1

I made the benign journey to Chez Loser as usual. I started guzzling down the wine as soon as I arrived. Pseudo-professor Bill called and left a message. He was on his way back from a weekend camping trip. He wanted to go out and have a few brewskis. It took him a while to arrive in Kane'ohe. So, I went for a walk to look at some new trucks. The parking lot across Windward Mall is now a storage area for three car dealerships. I looked at the new Nissan trucks, both the larger Titan and the mid-sized Frontier. I have to admit, I like the Frontier. It's a nice truck. I also met the upstairs neighbor. Her name is Diane, and she has a son living with her. That's the guy who has been stomping around.

When Bill arrived, we sat a round for a while. He liked the townhouse. He urged me to keep it. I said that I did not have a choice at this point in time. Our first stop was The Shack in Kailua. We had to pass Shirley's place. I saw her car parked in the garage, which surprised me. We spent some time at The Shack before ending up at Kona Brewing in Hawai'i Kai. Pseudo-professor Bill actually wanted me to continue on with him back to Waikiki. He wanted us to go partying at Duke's. I really wanted to go, but I have to be at the Asylum at 8am. I am really thinking about my situation. When my bro pays me off, I may have to cut down on work hours, or change them to fit a more leisurely life-style. I was pretty hammered when we left.

Moms told me that my bro came by this afternoon. The paperwork was signed and notarized. My sister-in-law will be taking the paperwork to the attorney tomorrow. This whole process is taking too long. I am growing impatient. What is going to happen is inevitable, so I want it done and over with. I may have to buy the truck next weekend, even though I have not received any money. I will be purchasing it in cash. I also have to prepare Chez Loser for occupancy. I expect to be completely moved there within three weeks.

Monday May 2

Pseudo-professor Bill and I had several interesting discussions. Naturally, we had to talk about the babe situation. I confided that I was certain that it's over for me. "I'm not gay or anything, but I have to tell you that you're a good-looking guy. You're in great shape, and there's no way anyone would think that you're over forty," he said. I laughed. Somebody tell the babes that. The day was pretty much uneventful. The Asylum is still the old mosh pit, with things getting worse by the day. I can hardly wait for my bro to pay me off, so I will not have to worry if I am terminated by that dump.

I also saw Shirley walking around later in the afternoon. She did not see me. Damn, she's such a hot babe. This is the last week of classes at the Diploma Mill. So, essentially, this will be the last week that I will see her around. In other words, I'll probably never see or hear from her again. I was surprised that she wanted me do a "friend request" to her on Myspace. If you recall, I had deleted myself for good reason. Yet, I don't hear from her at all. It's probably for the better. There are few more pieces of information that I will disclose in the journal for archive purposes once Shirley and I are completely disassociated. She has an agenda that must be fulfilled. I have my own agenda, namely to start living my life before I am too old and decrepit to do anything.

I am looking at the issue of saving money. Yes, I will maintain a reserve, but I can no longer justify "saving for the future." Almost anyone of sane disposition knows that all that saved money will end up paying for medical expenses. I am not working all of these years just so I can take the fruits of my labor and embalm myself alive. I have lived too prophylatically over the last few years. Sure, it got me where I wanted to be. Yet, is that where I really want to be? I am single and alone. Some of my expenses are overkill for my needs. If I am not getting any kind of enjoyment from those expenses, then it defeats the purpose of maintaining those expenses. I don't want to live prophylactically, but I don't want to be stupid either.

Tuesday May 3

Last night, I walked down to Foodland like a pathetic loser and bought a six-pack of brewskis. I am losin' it. I don't want to be old and decrepit, but that's what I am. I want to find a babe, but I won't settle for one in my age group (like Vivian, who is quite typical actually). So, I am fucked. By the way, I can pretty much say what I want in the journal because the page views have dropped substantially. Tripod has had no page views in days. Geocities is averaging about three per day. On the other hand, the "blog" had 71 page views yesterday, which is a record. Fortunately, the "blog" is quite close to real life. Almost all of the essential facts are there in a highly palatable form. The complete details are always in the journal. My real feeling about anything are also in the journal. I can guarantee you that there will be more interesting stuff here once I've purged the readership.

Here's somthing to start with. Shirley changed her Myspace headline to read, "I'm a sinner, I'm a saint . . ." Those are the lyrics to the song, "Bitch." Here are the full lyrics:


I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe I'm an angel underneath
innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
and I'm going to extremes
tomorrow I will change
and today won't mean a thing


Just when you think you've got me figured out
the season's already changing
I think it's cool you do what you do
and don't try to save me


I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
when you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been dumped, I'm revived
can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

It's the song that Shirley is trying to live. Note the predominant theme of the wild side under the innocent shell. I am mentioning this as adjunctive data to recent conversations that I've had with her. The real issue is guys, just as Erin had said and what I had originally believed. Her Myspace page is a message to some guy, which is why she keeps tweaking it. She's also grappling with the issue of da wild thing (read: innocence). In the coming days, I will have more to substantiate what I had to say, and why I fear she's on a destructive path that will change her life forever.

Shirley called me at 1pm. She was in line at Subway with Liza. However, the parking meter was running low. So, I ran out and put some change in the meter. Shirley is beginning to develop a lot of "dangerous" babe traits. She kept Liza company for a few minutes. Then, we were off to the Mai Tai Bar. She said that she was broke until Friday, but she had enough to buy some "party utensils" to partake during lunch. We had a fun time. Most of the discussion was about Shirley's attempt at becoming wild. She really needs to chill out. We ate, sipped on Mai Tai drinks, and partook of the "party utensils." Most of the discussion was sarcastic humor, something we have not done in a long time. An old guy was sitting across the way with his wife. Shirley claimed that he was staring at her. I put my shades back on and slowly turned my head in his direction. He stopped staring after that. I told Shirley that I couldn't blame the guy. "He's in awe of an exotic island beauty like you," I said. Naturally, I was in awe of Shirley myself. Shirley likes the idea that I am purchasing another car. "I'm proud of you. Now you can start dating," she said. Of course, she did not like my choices of trucks. She also offered to help me move. And, she wants to come over and make my place a party place. Shirley also mentioned that she's been experiencing stomach pains. I said that she's been drinking too much. I should know because I am experiencing the same thing. Mostly it is because we have been drinking on an empty stomach. She talked with a pharmacist at Daiei. The pharmacist concurred. I also discovered why Shirley has been gunshy about finding a new stud. She's friends with the girlfriends of the guys in Seth's gang. One of the babes, Shelly, is apparently having trouble with her BoyToy Bryan. Lots of drama. Well, that's what happens when the babes pick the wrong guys.

We returned in time for our respective classes at the Diploma Mill. After my class was over, I walked back to the building where the faculty computer center is located. I saw Brian, a former student of mine from the Asylum. He was waiting for friend in class. Turns out, Shirley was in the class. She walked out and saw us sitting there. We chatted for a few minutes. I had to do the night shift at the Asylum. The morale has gone through the floor again. Moms has started to clean the house, so I assume that my bro's family will be moving in by the end of the month. I need to purchase the truck soon.

Wednesday May 4

I called moms' attorney this morning. The attorney called back and left a message. She said that the paperwork was submitted. My bro has 50 days to close the deal. The attorney was somewhat irritated because moms has been calling a lot. The attorney said that moms needs to communicate with my bro because it is now in the hands of my bro's mortgage broker. Why didn't someone tell us this before? The rest of the day was uneventful. The morale at the Asylum continues to plummet because of all the new bullshit going on. The new Executive Director is another Roach. He even looks and talks just like Roach.

I am looking forward to the money from my share of moms' house. It may give me economic freedom from the stupidity at the Asylum. I saw Shirley as she was running to class this afternoon. She was looking hot as usual. She's probably going out partying again tonight. I'll be explaining a lot of what I observed and discussed with her in the days to come. When I returned to Hawai'i Kai after the night shift at the Asylum, I discussed the situation briefly with moms. Moms said that the loan is going through escrow and it will take 30 days. This sounds like bullshit. It's a refinance loan, so it shouldn't take that long. The deed is already in my bro's name right now.

I am in a quandary. I am planning to follow my schedule. The first thing I must do is purchase the truck. If I go with the Nissan Frontier, I will be drawing $27,000 or more from my cash reserves. I am essentially trusting that my bro's loan will make it through escrow. I will also have to pay for insurance for the truck. In addition, I will finally activate the gas at my place so I will have hot water.

Thursday May 5

An uneventful day. Actually, it was my last day of the term at the Diploma Mill. I took the bus over to New CIty Nissan during my break. I wanted to get a brochure about the Nissan Frontier and also get an idea of pricing. I had to go through the usual sales bullshit, which really pissed me off. I had no money, no checks, and no driver's license. So, there was no need for the bullshit. The clown kept asking me what it would take for me to buy the truck today. With what?

Later in the afternoon, I was sitting outside because it was so nice. Dave, one of the guys in Shirley's group, sat down and chatted with me. He's from India, and he graduated about a year ago. He works for an insurance company near Ala Moana. However, he's always hanging out on the Diploma Mill campus. Shirley and Prashamsa joined us later. Prashamsa had to go to class. Dave and another guy went to the Mercury Bar. I sat and chatted with Shirley. She really is a hot babe. We had a nice chat about the Nissan Frontier. She also told me her plans for the immediate future, that is, after school is done and she comes back from Italy. She's going to work more hours at Daiei. She can technically work up to 39 hours per week. She will receive medical benefits. She hopes to find another job so that she will not be stuck at Daiei. She really wants to work at Hawai'ian Telecom, The Honolulu Advertiser, or Channel 2. I am not sure if she will get in any of those places if she follows the path that she's on. I had to leave for the night shift at the Asylum. I walked Shirley to the Mercury Bar. I worry about her. And, I wish I had a babe like her. I probably will not see much of her after this. She has a few things to turn in next week, but I doubt that I will see her. After that, she has only one class left to take. We'll see what happens from here.

Friday May 6

After a lot of haggling, I purchased the 2005 Nissan Forntier Nismo. It's a sweet ride. Charcoal gray metallic paint. Big tires and alloy rims. Power everything. Air conditioning. Stereo with CD player. I bought it for $25,300 total for everything including tax and documentation. I paid for it in full. I had to pay for insurance as well after dealing with some shit from the insurance company. My annual insurance rate is now well over $1000.

I had sent e-mail to Lori yesterday. She responded today. She's back from the trip to the East Coast. She's looking forward to our Summer activities. I also had updated her about the situation with moms' estate. I called Lori later. I was on my way to purchase the truck. I told her that I would try to meet up with her after that. After two hours of haggling, I was able to purchase the truck. Then, I met up with Lori at her workplace. There's a cafeteria on the same floor, so we sat and chatted over some beverages. I have been trying to figure out why my bro's mortgage is taking so long to close. Even Lori was dumbfounded. I had a meeting to attend at the Asylum, so I had to leave. Lori suggested that I meet her at the halau of her canoe club after I picked up the truck from the Nissan dealership. I was able to pick up my new ride at 6pm. I had to complete all kinds of paperwork and have my insurance paperwork faxed to the dealership.

I met Lori at Maunalua Bay. She had just finished paddling practice. She was impressed by the new truck. We chatted for about an hour. A lot of the discussion surrounded the situation with moms estate. Lori figured that there was some kind of condition that was holding up the funding process. however, she could not figure out what it could be. She invited me to join her and Kirk at The Shack later. Given the precarious situation, Lori suggested that I do not park the new truck near the house. I must not let moms know that I bought the new truck. I agreed. Seeing the new truck may lead moms to believe that I am doing far better than I am. She could decide to just give the house to my bro. I drove back to moms' house and parked at the edge of the cul-de-sac. I will drive the truck to Kane'ohe tomorrow and most likely leave it there at Chez Loser.

I drove out to The Shack in Kuapa Kai. I met up with Lori and Kirk. We had an interesting discussion. It really got interesting when Lori saw her friend Donna there. Donna works as a sub-prime mortgage broker. So, she would know anything that could hold up my bro's loan. The story sound feasible. What it amounts to is that a refinance loan is capped at $150,000. My bro's mortagage broker is trying to find a way to finance $267,000. We are using the term "mortgage broker" because Lori said that there was no way the credit union would fund this nonsense. This is what the delay is about. The mortgage broker has 25 days to find a lender who could do so. Lori already knew of several lenders who could work the magic. However, I cannot pass the information to my bro. There is a good cahnce that my bro will not be able to get the loan because he would require two separate mortgages from two different lenders. All in all, things are looking grim. I called moms' attorney and left an innocuous message, one cleverly designed to extract information. The attorney actually called back and left a message. She just said that my bro's mortgage broker has 30 days to close. My sister-in-law seems to be the big push in all of this. Both Lori and I know that she wants the house. We've speculated that for years. It's in the journal. I am counting on her to light a fire under my bro's ass. It's fairly obvious that my bro will have to pay a premium for a non-conventional lender. There is a good chance that they will lose the house fairly quickly in the game. That's of no concern to me.

Saturday May 7

Moms told me that my sister-in-law was bringing stuff over this morning. In other words, they are starting to move in. A thick envelope was sitting on the table from Island Title. I assumed that the process must be going forward. I quickly loaded up the truck with some of my stuff and transported all of it to Chez Loser. A couple of people in my complex complimented my truck. I am very happy with the Nissan Frontier. It's amazing how much more time I have when I am not riding the bus. I left at 12:15pm. When I arrived back in Hawai'i Kai, I noticed my sister-in-law's car in the carport. I decided that I was not going to keep up the charade any longer. So, I drove the truck in and parked next to the driveway.

After my sister-in-law left, moms started gathering things for me to take to Chez Loser. Moms made a comment about the truck. She seemed surprised since I bought I new one. This was the risk that I took, but I cannot hide behind a lie. In any case, my sister-in-law had told moms that the paperwork was ready. So, my bro may close the deal this week. This will be good news for me. I am ready to leave the "cocoon," even though it will be lonely. I need to distance myself from my dysfunctional family. I have other things that I need to worry about, like the babe situation.

I did my tanning hike up Koko Head. I have not done the hike in ages. Later, I drove to Kahala Mall and did the usual bullshit. I took a short excursion through Waikiki first. I felt so free for once. Riding the bus was starting to drive me nuts. It limited my life-style to whatever the bus schedule was. Moving to Kane'ohe will necessitate owning a vehicle. As I said before, the bus service ends at 10pm out there. I will be transporting more of my stuff tomorrow. I will have only a few items left here after that.

Sunday May 8

I transported more of my shit to Chez Loser, leaving just a small handful of items at moms' house. I am not excited about my premanent reloaction to Chez Loser. I was beside myself to stay there longer than one hour. I have a feeling that I will hardly be home once I move in. Thank goodness that I bought my new truck. On the way out, I called Shirley. She was actually driving through Kane'ohe at the time. She was on her way to Prashamsa's place. They were going to the Diploma Mill since Shirley has left all her work to the last minute. She begrudgingly agreed to meet me for a couple of minutes at the Burger King parking lot. I showed her my new truck, but she was not too interested. So, I left it at that. My only real concern is that she still has the keys to Chez Loser. Since I will not see her again, she needs to return the keys to me.

When I arrived at moms' house, my sister-in-law was there. My bro arrived shortly afterward. They are moving stuff over, so they must be assuming that everything is going to close as planned. I hope so. My bro and I went down to Foodland. He's the first person to ride in my new truck. We bought a 12-pack of brewskis and spent the rest of the afternoon bonding. There is some hostility toward me. He feels that I ripped him off with a high price for the house. Of course, he never considers that he's getting a house in Hawai'i Kai for less than half the going rate. I would have thought that he'd be more grateful. Seeing me with a new truck did not help. However, I slaved away for years to see this day.

I also discovered that my townhouse has gone up by $100,000 since I purchased it. This is the going rate, and it is not going down. When my bro pays me off, I will have another chunk of cash, which means that I will be financially viable. I will have some sense of economic freedom. I should be quite marketable to babes, but I am not. I find this interesting because I am seeing that my financial independence may also emancipate me from the notion that I need a babe. This thought has become all-pervasive recently. I am thinking that my life will change significantly once the check is in my hands. I am not going hog wild with spending. I am just sensing that I will no longer have the all-consuming fear that I would end up bankrupt. I will no longer have any foolish thoughts that I need to be in a relationship to work together with a babe to survive. This is contrary to the theory of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. However, I think that I can pull it off.

Exit Strategy

I am now at the crossroads of yet another situation. If all goes well, I may become financially independent, at least in the short term. I am now wondering if this is the proper closure for the journal. Is this the end of the line? Have I reached the pinnacle of my own life? I had thought that the end of the journal would involve a babe. I would find a hottie and end up with her happily ever after. I am now seeing that the latter will never happen. However, I am not ending up a broken loser. I may be able to live quite a fruitful life, albeit alone. The biggest stressor in my life will be gone with financial independence. I can simply exist stress-free, if I choose to forget about babes. If this is the case, then the journal has served its purpose. I will, of course, try to tie up all loose ends in the journal before ending its run.

To be continued ... Got to E.24

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