Millennium ... Journal of Life

Friday September 22, 2000

I spent most of the day discussing the potential transit strike with my students. Since over half of them rely on the bus, there will be chaos next week if the bus system shuts down. I, too, have no idea how I will get to town. The bus drivers have not endeared themselves to the public. Over the long haul, most of them have displayed little in the way of customer service skills. And, that's what people remember the most. The strike has been carefully choreographed to coincide with the transit strike in LA and with the primary election here tomorrow. The most heated segment of the election is the mayoral race.

I heard a babe voice calling out my name as I was walking back to the university from the Asylum. Looking around, I finally realized that it was Geraldine. She told me that Joyce was attending a wedding on the mainland.

"Not her own, I hope?" I asked in jest.

"No," she responded. Geraldine repositioned herself on the bench in mock uneasiness. "I think she's waiting for you."

I could see a big grin on her face, so I asked if she was yanking my chain again. She laughed and denied any such a thing. I had actually seen Geraldine and Joyce the other day in passing. Joyce didn't say anything.

I'm glad that today is Friday. I am completely fatigued. Pseudo-professor Robert wanted me to lower the price of my Palm IIIe. I decided to redeploy the Palm myself. Otherwise, I'd be giving it away. I forgot to bring along the pathetic sandwiches that I had made this morning. Then, the Chinese joint overcharged me by one dollar for my lunch. Should have gone to Burger King. Many things have happened this week. Most of the stupid stuff happens at the Asylum, of course. I'm just happy to be home with my Taser-like device.

Saturday September 23

Mark and I saw Nurse Betty at the Koko Marina Theaters today. I really enjoyed the movie despite the violence. We stopped off at Foodland after the movie. As we were driving into the parking lot, I noticed the handmaiden and her new Mercedes boy walking out of the store with a case of Bud Light. Some things never seem to change, eh?

We stopped off at moms' house so I could do the yardboy chores. We also ate dinner. Then, we went back to Mark's place for happy hour with cheap brewskis. We watched the pathetic election results and also waited for the occasional news updates about the upcoming transit strike. The negotiations are supposed to go on through midnight tomorrow even though the strike is set for Monday morning. As it stands, things don't look too good. However, with each successive interview, the union president appeared less and less cocky. There are political undercurrents coincident with the election today, as well as within the union rank and file. The whole situation is going to backfire on the masterminds of this charade. I returned home early so that I could spend some time perusing the Taser-like device. I am in a quandary about whether I should order the Nova brand Taser-like device. I may need it when all hell breaks loose during the transit strike.

Sunday September 24

The transit strike was called off at about 10:30pm last night, coincident with the imminent defeat of the union's mayoral candidate of choice, Mufi Hanneman. The dailies are reporting a victory for the union but, upon closer scrutiny, it is plain to see that the latest negotiations produced nothing substantial over what was offered earlier in the week when the talks stalled. The whole situations stinks of political extortion. When the union's president Mel Kahele stated on the tube that his negotiation team was heading to Hanneman headquarters for their dinner break last night, the strange bedfellows became extremely apparent. Not to mention, public opinion of the union and its membership was souring. And, why not? Honolulu's bus drivers already make more in the way of wages and fringe benefits than their counterparts nationwide. Kahele has made his own bed and he now has to sleep in it. He must return to the membership and persuade them to ratify the new agreement, although it was nothing close to what he had promised. Hanneman's defeat, of course, was only one indicator of voter demographics which show that union influence is declining. Several other union-backed candidates were also defeated. Kahele's ultimate plan was to hold the public hostage in order to catapult Hanneman into the general election. If Hanneman had received the necessary votes, I suspect that Kahele would have negotiated immediately with much fanfare and attribution to Hanneman. That would have insured a power base for Hanneman and could have bought him more time and more votes. Then, if Hanneman could win the general election, Kahele would call in the favor and be guaranteed of endless salary and benefit hikes in the long run for his union constituency. Everyone involved in this debacle should be lined up as test subjects in a demonstration of the power of the Taser-like device.

I sat in the beloved resin chair for most of the day. Taser-like device in hand, of course. I had to run an errand for moms so I replenished my supply of cheap brewskis. I was not planning on imbibing today. However, the best plans are always thwarted. I haven't really much to do. I have made such a solid commitment to repairing my finances that I won't spend any dough, if I can help it. The only thing I can justify spending any dough on is another Taser-like device. Sheesh!

Monday September 25

I am completely fatigued. My own popularity has declined with each successive exam that I administer. However, I am not a pseudo-professor just to win friends. These students need me more than I need them. And, I'm not looking out for special interests, if you know what I mean. Nonetheless, I look forward to the day that I retire from this nonsense.

I noticed that my beloved cell phone logged another mysterious call. Looked like a cell phone number. It might have been the handmaiden. I really don't know since I don't save any phone numbers. And, if I don't recognize the number, I don't call back. Tomorrow is my dentist appointment. Now I can rack up some more bills for this one tooth. I can't imagine how many Taser-like devices I could have bought with the amount I have spent already on the tooth. However, I must continue to "soldier on," as JonnyX once said.

Tuesday September 26

My tooth was reduced to a stub and a temporary plastic crown was put into place. I will have to return in about two weeks to have my permanent crown installed. As I was making my next (and final) appointment, I realized that the receptionist was badgering me to pay everything up front right then. Rather, I charged half of my bill. As she was processing the charge, I noticed a stack of out-going mail on the counter. At the top was an envelope addressed to "Mercedes Credit Corporation." It all made sense to me. The hard sell for the root canal and the crown. The pressure to pay even before services were completed. These [rectums] are so damned wrapped up in materialism that they need to sell the highest priced services to maintain their opulent lifestyles. As usual, the poor, like myself, must pay dearly.

In the news, the union president made a public apology for the transit strike debacle. The newspaper went on to say that Honolulu bus drivers are now in the top five highest paid of their kind in the nation. In fact, the bus drivers now make more than the cops. The City Council already plans to pass the pay and benefits increases onto the commuters and the taxpayers. One council member has proposed an increase in bus fares. Once again, the poor and destitute, like myself, must pay dearly.

My helplessness has made me even more obsessed with the Taser-like device. The fact that the lolo's family is acting up again does not help. The plain truth is that I am powerless. I am a peon earning peon wages. I can afford nothing, not even the dignity of a human being. I must always be satisfied with substandard services. I must live and compete with the lowest of scum for scarce resources. The 'hood is really a battlefield. Weapons like the Taser-like device are a necessity if a gun isn't available. And, it's going to get worse. Most of these idiots don't realize that they are being pitted against each other by the affluent just for entertainment. The damned idiots are just too stupid to realize this. I'm only too happy to assist in putting 'em out of their misery.

Wednesday September 27

The daily comedy show is, in essence, my classes. The students seem to enjoy when I go off on a tangent and tell my woeful tales in a comedic fashion. Pseudo-professor/stand-up comic. Sheesh! Yes, it's almost the same kind of zany crap as the classic Loser Living Upstairs. That's probably why the journal is devoid of humor. Perhaps my real call is to follow in the footsteps of Garry Shandling.

I am too tired to even think. The ugly ho's daughter has been acting up every night. So, sleep has been out of the question. I keep the Taser-like device ready for action. No telling when the time will come. Perhaps what I really need is a break from the journal.

Thursday September 28

When I arrived at the Asylum at 7:45am, I noticed what looked like a research paper in my mailbox. Upon closer scrutiny, I discovered that it was, in reality, a letter from Toad. That's right. Toad has breached the main provision of the injunction. There were several pages of the same garbage that was written back in April. I brought the matter up with Roach. He looked dumbfounded because he believed that the whole mess was a done deal over four months ago. What a maroon! Toad had outsmarted him and Maria (the idiotic student services coordinator and Roach's consort) as well. Once again, Roach wants to depend on Maria. I already know the scenario. They will turn on me once Toad outsmarts them again. I will then be forced to call the cops. Why didn't I just call the cops in the first place? Well, I believe that Toad needs psychological help. Incarceration is not going to accomplish much. However, some kind of intervention is necessary right now. The longer Roach defers the task, the more likely that Toad will end up incarcerated. The real decision lies in his hands.

I will transcribe the sickening letter later and link it to the journal. I called Malia to tell her the bad news, and also to warn her to be aware of the situation. She chastised me for five minutes which almost made me lose my temper. I was made to feel like an idiot because I didn't call the cops. What Malia doesn't know is that Toad made reference to her in the note. In any case, I don't feel that I need to explain my position to Malia or anyone else. The whole situation has left a bad taste in my mouth. I will no longer be promoting the welfare of the locals. They can fend for themselves. If they want to live in ignorance, that's fine with me. Another faculty member at the Asylum expressed similar frustration. "Sometimes I get sick of the simple-mindedness of these people," he confided.

Pseudo-professor John has indicated that he may be stepping down after a barrage of complaints filed by students against him. I was clearly shocked. Although, I can see why this has happened. He has expressed his frustration with his students on several occasions. I believe that Pseudo-professor John became more adversarial in a last ditch attempt to raise the so-called standard of his classes. There are no standards. Education is a business. Nothing more, nothing less. Quite an interesting day, I'd say.

Friday September 29

The week is over, thank goodness. Now I have spend all weekend grading exams. Sheesh! No incident with Toad although I saw it hopping around the hallways of the Asylum. Roach and Maria have promised me that they will take this matter more seriously. I will refrain from calling the cops unless another incident occurs. I attempted to order the Nova brand of Taser-like device but was thwarted at every turn. Perhaps it was for the better.

"What is my purpose?" I ask myself every day. Working as a minimum wage slave is only putting me further in debt. I have already resigned to the fact that I will not replace anything, even my beloved notebook computer, unless I absolutely have to. Only the Nova brand Taser-like device is budgeted. And, what more do I need anyway? Oftentimes, I wonder if this is all a big mistake. Will I end up a lonely, poor old fool? I'm not sure if I'd be lonely, but I can imagine myself holding up in a hovel and keeping vigil with the Taser-like device. Heck, that's what I do now! I am truly happy as an ascetic. I despise the small number of possessions that I own. I feel as though I had been duped into buying them. That's all money is good for anyway. I realize why I went on spending sprees before. No matter how much one tries to save, someone will take it all away in the long run. So, it's better to spend it now and have something to show for it. I resist the temptation to fall into this kind of thinking again. Believe me, it's difficult.

There are few whose thinking parallels mine. And, how many of them own Taser-like devices? I am essentially a loner by necessity. A nomad by desire. A monk by trade. The road to freedom is a long one. And, I am already fatigued. What choice do I have? I have no savior but myself.

Saturday September 30

My aunt and uncle came by to visit today. Moms was pretty happy. It has been a long time since other members of our family have come by. My aunt inquired about my future.

"Do you have any marriage plans?" she asked.

"No," I replied.

"Are you happy?" My aunt looked puzzled.

"Yes," I said, with the confidence of a monk.

I really am happy although I spend most of my weekends keeping company with my cheap brewskis and my Taser-like device. Malia called this morning. She wanted to talk about the situation concerning Toad. I discussed the matter briefly and told her that it really isn't her concern. After all, I was chastised for my decisions. These situations make it plainly clear to me why I am happy being a monk. In reading Anonder's Journal, I've realized that he has uncovered the truth about relationship dependency. The quest for da wild thing will lead a guy down the path to destruction. Anonder should have remained steadfast and continued to choked the chicken for relief.

My only desire is to remain gainfully employed long enough to become financially secure. I want to be able to survive on my own without the need to depend on someone else. Ideally, I'll only own the cheapest of the bare essentials. Of course, I will always have my pepper spray and Taser-like device from this point on to insure that no moron attempts to invade my space. I've often wondered why I have been obsessed with the Taser-like device. I know now that it is a symbol of my freedom. In the future, I will complement it with a "nine."

I have come to understand who I am and how insignificant I am. That understanding has made me more secure. I know that I am expendable in all aspects of life. I don't need to answer to all of the [rectums] out there. I'll just play along until they want to show me their power. Then, I'll laugh. Who cares? I'm not the one with the Mercedes payments. Make no mistake. I have learned the true meaning of life. My redemption is near.

Sunday October 1

I have had neck pains for a few days. Most likely due to that pain in the neck Toad, as well as the other stressors that I have been subjected to as of late. The temperatures have been unbearable this weekend. So, I be chillin' with an ample supply of cheap brewskis. I also threw out my only bottle of generic Tylenol (acetaminophen) because I read an article last night that linked the lousy pain killer with sudden liver failure. People who drink cheap brewskis and take the drug are prime candidates to meet the grim reaper prematurely.

I have decided to be satisfied with my generic Taser-like device. I'm certain that its efficacy is on the par with the Nova brand. I've got to maintain a supply of industrial strength 9-volt batteries, especially since Toad has gone berserk. I still continue to do research about the Taser-like device. There is more evidence that it is not a big hoax. Naturally, I've got to perform a few calculations myself to confirm the evidence. There are many people who may be tired of hearing about the Taser-like device. "Get a life," they may say. My advice to all is to purchase a Taser-like device as soon as possible. It is the single most important purchase you will make. Never doubt the ol' lavahead's sanity. Remember when a few doubters belittled the Bush's baked beans? Are they laughing now? The Taser-like device is not a toy. It's a monastic vestment.

Monday October 2

My sense of humor was at an all-time low today, most likely due to sleep deprivation. The sweltering heat has made it impossible to think, no less sleep. That has possibly affected my judgment. This morning, I revised my policies in one class so that no one will fail regardless of performance. The class voted on the matter. Naturally, the decision was unanimous. I may make the same concessions across the board. The first test results indicate that I could end up failing close to 80 percent of the class if extrapolated across the statistical data generated from the last term. Remember, I failed 50 percent of my students. There is no way that the Dean will accept an even lower pass rate. Most of the students that I have now were former students of the last of the "easy guys." So, how could I have expected more?

One of the Nova Taser-like device suppliers has finally responded. I may end up with the ultimate Taser-like device very soon. One can never own enough Taser-like devices. Sheesh!

Tuesday October 3

A bizarre accident this weekend has left one person dead and the other in critical condition. Both plummeted from the eleventh floor of a high-rise apartment building in Waikiki. The former happened to be a student in one of my classes. I had quite a few thoughts on the matter, but now it all seems moot.

I managed to substitute for another faculty member at the Asylum. I earned a few extra dollars that will be credited to my root canal and Nova Taser-like device funds. I called the Nova supplier today but the model that I wanted was not in stock. A more expensive model is available, though. Should I just go ahead and order that one?

Sometimes I make it sound as though I have nothing to do. That is hardly the case. These days, I have had little spare time, even to respond to e-mail. My days are a blur at best. And, I have been bringing stuff home with me in the evenings to work on as well. I only look forward to the day when I apply the Taser-like device on some fool.

Wednesday October 4

Another long day. I have canceled my exams on Friday at the university because of the tragedy of this past weekend. The university counseling center has sent me several letters concerning other traumatized students, whom most likely lived in the same building. The university leases several different apartment buildings and subleases the apartments to the students. I have had brief moments during the the day to reflect on my own mortality. So strange. I probably meet some 700 to 800 new people each year. Most are young students. Some become friends of mine. Others remain faces in a crowd.

I posed a question to all my classes today. "Do you think that I like my job?" I asked. Close to all of them believe that I do. "You're always upbeat and you seem to enjoy what you do," one student said. "You're really funny," another added. It seems strange to me because I am often impatient and very irritated by my students. So, I must conclude that I have become a very effective performer. I put on a convincing show by converting my displeasure to off-the-wall humor. All in all, the situation is pretty odd. Like most locals, I was always very quiet and unresponsive in my youth. I would never have expected to be doing what I do now. Yet, as I've said before, I seem to crave these performances. I dread the first few minutes but, after that, I can't seem to stop. Not many people are good at this task. It really is an art to blend entertainment with a boring lecture and turn it into a dynamic performance.

My finances took another dive along with the stock market. I can no longer worry about these fluctuations. My investments are pathetic anyway. So, I ordered the Nova Taser-like device. If all goes well, we'll be adding it to the arsenal of security devices next week. Sheesh!

Thursday October 5

Roach spoke with me today about the situation with Toad. Apparently, Toad has disappeared. Roach and his sidekick Maria have been trying to contact Toad since last Friday. Toad has not returned any of their calls nor has it been at the Asylum. In explaining the new turn of events, Roach admitted that he had "underestimated the need for outside intervention." His rhetoric was reminiscent of the sleaziest politicians.

"At the time this was occurring, all we [he and his sidekick] wanted was for this to be over," he went on. "We felt that we had made significant progress with Toad." Well, what do you say now, Roach? Never mind that he turned the tables on me after Toad manipulated the mental midget. "You will have to do what you think is right," he consoled. I know what I have to do. Call the cops. The two idiots botched it up again and now Toad is probably on the verge of committing mass mayhem. I have warned Malia to stay away from the Asylum. Right now, I expect the worse.

I'm not paranoid, but I do believe that Toad will go berserk. Toad's disappearance already suggests that trouble is brewing. I could see fear in Roach's eyes. He knew he screwed up. His whole purpose in calling the meeting with me was to provide enough impetus such that I would call the cops and have Toad arrested. That's the only way to prevent the most obvious outcome of this scenario. If Toad finds a means to obtain a gun, then all hell will break loose. Welcome to Paradise!

Friday October 6

I made it a point to tell Roach that I was going to the police station to see what could be done about the situation with Toad. I could see fear in Roach's eyes. Toad has called his bluff. The little tadpole made a fool out of him. Now, even Roach is wondering whether Toad will lose it and go on a rampage. I did discover through some of my students that Toad has been on campus. As a matter of fact, Toad was sitting in a classroom two doors down from mine. Yet, no one in the administration knew of its slimy presence. I did not bother to do Roach's work for him. Instead, I walked to the Chinatown police substation after my classes.

I filed a report but I could tell that it was a dead end. The cop read Toad's note and did not see much wrong even though Toad was in clear violation of the injunction. I don't expect much to happen. The cops may pay Toad a visit to hear its side of the story. End case. Therefore, my purchase of the Nova Taser-like device is further justified. If all goes well, it should be here next week. In the meantime, I'm carrying all of my security devices. Toad is good at skulking around without being noticed. I must be prepared for the worse..

Moms bought some take-out Chinese food from Panda Express. I am always relieved to return home. I can at least relax until the lolo's family decides to act up. I enjoy living at home with moms. Sometimes things get a little foolish but, for the most part, it is my sole purpose in life. It is a quiet, almost monastic, existence.

Saturday October 7

Cheap brewskis. Yardboy chores. Taser-like device. Big headache. What a day I'm having! I'm still suffering from neck pains and I'm certain that it is because of stress. I'm also suffering from that bloated feeling one gets from drinking too many cheap brewskis. I should have been grading exams. Instead, I contemplated the philosophical implications of the Taser-like device.

I have come to realize that the common citizen has no rights. This is, in fact, the paradox of the Taser-like device and all other security products. Security devices should not be deployed until one is absolutely sure that it is necessary. In other words, the concept of deploying a security device from a "safe" distance may be ludicrous at best. For one thing, what assailant is going to announce his intentions from 15 feet away? An assault would more than likely come from behind, ambush style. Any other style of confrontation is just an exhibition of stupidity (i.e., machismo, etc.). Self-defense, then, can only be justified when one is already being accosted. Therefore, the Taser-like device is a viable apparatus. It may be the only viable apparatus. Within close quarters, other deterrents such as pepper spray, a gun (e.g., the "nine"), or other devices may be totally useless. At a useful and safe range, these devices may also be considered "excessive force." Why? Because the assailant has yet to commit any act that could be deemed serious enough to that justify the use of such a device. The assailant then becomes the victim. Guess who will be arrested? Wrong is right.

Sunday October 8

I tried to relax but it's hard when I know that I have spend tomorrow morning at the Asylum's annual faculty and staff "retreat." I've been able to avoid this crap before. This year, I am required to attend. However, since the university is in session, I will be able to get outta there before noon. The rest of the fools will be there all day. Great holiday, eh? I talked with another faculty member about the "retreat." He told me that it was a big joke. He's right. We will be doing "brainstorming" sessions and playing "team-building" games. Wheee! In the meantime, there's a psycho on the loose. The really sad part is that the faculty and staff of the Asylum can be described as fractious at best. Animosity has increased the rifts between several groups for years and with no end in sight. The theme is "Education in a dot.com World." What a joke! That theme is the brainchild of one of the faculty members who also happens to be part of the Quixtar cult. The really sad part is that a lot of dough is being spent to rent out the posh Plaza Club for the event. All show, no go.

More yardboy chores. Resin chair. Taser-like device. My sister-in-law came by again to pick up more food that moms cooked. To her credit, she does clean and return the containers that moms packs the food in. Sheesh! The Sunday newspaper had a great article about the sad state of education in Hawai'i. I see evidence of this on a daily basis. The article also mentioned that Hawai'i has the 4th fastest growing prison population in the nation. We'll probably top the charts once the first set of welfare families are booted off the rolls next year as a part of the welfare reform package. Laugh about the Taser-like device now, if you will. I'm certain that I will need to use it even though it's illegal to possess in Hawai'i. Several of my students told me on Friday that a psycho had physically accosted a few people along Fort Street Mall. The number of derelicts and psychos has increased disproportionately in the last few months. I can only hope that my new Nova Taser-like device is on its way. Lord have mercy!

Monday October 9

I was at the "retreat" until one o' clock. I was a little perturbed that I had to be there that long. However, the food was good. The Plaza Club is on the 20th and 21st floors of the Pioneer Plaza Building in the heart of downtown. People pay over $1,000 per month to be members. I suppose that having the event there was an attempt by the administration of the Asylum to make the minions (like the ol' lavahead) feel special.

I returned home to discover that the Nova Taser-like device had arrived. I opened the package to find that the shady dealer had sent me a used one. It was dirty and had scratches on the case. That's probably why the price was $20 lower. Officially, it is the Nova Spirit. This is the law enforcement model. I can't exactly say that it looks much better than the other crappy brands on the market. I cleaned it up so it almost looks like new again. I cannot actually complain since I was fortunate to find another unscrupulous dealer who would send me the device.

Today was a long day. Discoverer's Day. I discovered that a fool and his money are soon parted. However, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of Taser-like devices. With that, I'm retiring to my favorite chair to peruse my security devices arsenal. Sheesh!

Tuesday October 10

Pseudo-professor Ralph gave me a ride to Kahala Mall this afternoon. That spared me the frustrating commute on the bus. The dental work for the one troublesome tooth is over. I parted with more non-existent dough to pay off the balance of my bill. The tooth has cost about $1,500 in all. So, I am now further in debt. To add insult to injury, my investments (including my IRA) went down the toilet due to the recent stock market corrections.

I have heard nothing about Toad. If Toad was arrested, I can be certain of some kind of reprisal. Since Toad is a psycho, that should not be a surprise. So, I have to watch my back. I discovered a few threads concerning Taser-like devices in the BladeForums discussion group. Looks as though the proof that I've sought is public knowledge. And, it's not too favorable. I'll read all of that information this evening. I could be doing something more constructive, but why bother? The week has already been too fatiguing.

Wednesday October 11

Another long and fatiguing day. When I returned home, I listened to a message from someone from the District Court. Apparently, Toad had a hearing this morning. So, I'm assuming that Toad was arrested over the weekend. I believe that the real root of the problem has been Roach and his sidekick Maria. They did not take any of this seriously. The sad part is that, if Toad were to engage in a homicidal rampage, I would most likely be the target.

I have had to listen to students coming up with excuse after excuse for missing classes and exams. Most were lame. One student confided that she had just gotten an abortion. The few students who were authorized to take a week off from school (because of the tragedy last week) have not returned to class. My mind is ready to snap.

My research concerning the Taser-like device has yielded some disturbing news, at least about the cheesy Talon brand. Several people had tested it and reported that the device was useless. There were no tests using the Nova brand (see image). The deployment of these device in law enforcement has severely declined, which is probably why Nova also markets its products to consumers. Lots of bad press about its use as a torture device is the main reason. I have come to understand the Taser-like device much better since appropriating the Nova Spirit. Nova states that it is used for "intimidation and subduing." It really isn't a self-defense weapon. It is an adjunctive device at best. Since I have two taser-like devices, I could send one out to someone who would like to test it and report the findings (just like in BladeForums). I believe that we could do some good with this information. If the Taser-like device is a joke, then the truth must be told. There are countless numbers of companies making money on selling a device that may be bogus. However, I do believe that the Nova Spirit does work (Nova is one of two companies which produces prison stun belts, another controversial device). All in all, this is still an important issue. I have too much exposure to psychos to not have any decent protection.

Thursday October 12

I was served a subpoena at about two o' clock this afternoon by someone from the District Court. I must now go to court tomorrow morning and lose a half-day of pay. All because of Toad. I called the Deputy Prosecutor to discuss the situation. He will be trying to obtain a one-year probation for Toad as well as a provision for mandatory psychological counseling. Toad was arrested on Tuesday and has been in jail since. The arraignment must have occurred yesterday. Everything will be fine if Toad pleads guilty. However, I doubt that will happen. Toad will most likely contest the case. I will have to go through the whole stupid ordeal again when Toad offers its delusional account of what has transpired. In the end, I believe that Toad will end up berserk and go on a homicidal rampage. The writing is already on the wall. I called Roach about this matter since he's been oblivious to everything. Once again, he's speaking from both sides of his mouth. "I have to admit that this may be the best thing for Toad," he sighed. This from the clown who once defended Toad.

The stock market has reduced my investments to nothing. I've lost over $1,500 which was most of my paltry savings. I barely had enough to deposit for my loan auto-payment. The root canal has put me further in debt. And, now we have the Revenge of Toad. Over the years, many readers have tried to blame the ol' lavahead for his undoing. "It's your attitude," they keep telling me. I live a humble, modest life. My old friend, the sinister kahuna, has had it out for me for a long time. I've come to accept that. Therefore, I only scribe my woeful tale so others can benefit by it and appreciate their own lives. None of these events should come as a surprise. When I perused my subpoena, I realized that tomorrow is Sinister Kahuna Day. It all made sense. After all, bad stuff always happens around that day. I'm not superstitious but this is beyond coincidence. Thank goodness that I have my Nova Taser-like device. Sheesh!

Sinister Kahuna Day

I arrived at the District Court at 8am sans pepper spray and Taser-like device. I ended standing there for about two hours and then I was dismissed. Toad had pleaded guilty and voluntarily accepted the sanctions. I never saw Toad because I never set foot in the court. Toad was "in custody" so it was escorted through the back by the Sheriff's deputies. I was fortunate because I really did not want to see the varmint. At least I was still paid for my morning classes and I was also paid $27 for a "witness fee."

I was pressed for time for most of the day, but I managed to make it to the Liberty House sale so I could buy another pair of those Docker's slacks. This is essential to look like the rest of the wage slaves downtown. I wasn't really in the mood for much after that. My afternoon classes were short. None of the students complained. I chatted with Mark on the express bus. Forgot to mention that he and I had lunch at the Paradise Café yesterday. The weekend is upon us. The worst of Sinister Kahuna Day is over. Yet, deep down inside, I have a feeling that the situation with Toad is not over.

Saturday October 14

The Nova Spirit (Taser-like device). Resin chair. Cheap imitation of the "Hammer." Chips and salsa. That was my day and I'm proud to say that I enjoyed it. I have come to realize that all I need is my beloved computer and my Nova Spirit. Everything else is vanity. I have decided to mount the cheesy Talon Taser-like device on the wall in the den for "emergency" purposes. However, the Nova Spirit will always be at my side. I still have a premonition that something stupid will happen. Well, it's time that I clean my Nova Spirit again for tomorrow is another day. No telling what is in store for the ol' lavahead.

Sunday October 15

It's too bad that I threw out the rest of the imitation "Hammer" yesterday. Oh well. I spent most of the day grading exams. I took several breaks mostly to sit outside and peruse my Nova Taser-like device. I looked at all of the inserts in the Sunday paper. Today, that junk made me sick. I used to enjoy looking at all of the gadgets that I couldn't afford. Now, I realize that it's all part of an elaborate ruse perpetrated on us by the merchandisers. All I have to do is look in the spare room to see the Bose Acoustic Wave sitting in its box on the floor in the middle of the room. I have wrapped a large plastic trash bag over the box to prevent any moisture from getting in since the high humidity easily saturates paper products. How long has it been sitting there? The point is ... I only have need for the Nova Spirit. It is the most useful appliance that I own even though I have yet to use it. Think about it. Most of the junk we own is totally useless. Some may laugh but I bet that, if any of the doubters bought a Taser-like device, it would become a prized possession. It would even displace the Palm! Yep, you heard me. By the way, the Nova Spirit matches the Bose Acoustic Wave in color and style.

I've tried to make sense of this nonsensical week. I sat outside in my beloved resin chair and pondered my plight. Then, I wondered whether I should start collecting Taser-like devices as a hobby. Some people collect rocks or stamps. Why don't I collect Taser-like devices? Maybe I'm just as loony as Toad. For the life of me, I can't understand why the Taser-like devices are illegal in Hawai'i. If most of the devices are just a joke, then there is no need to outlaw them. If they really work, then the cops should start using them because their only recourse now is to shoot the perpetrator. That's why people are getting shot right and left. I don't know. Maybe Matt was right. I should have become a cop.

Monday October 16

I talked with the faculty member whom Toad had accused of sexual harassment when this crap all started. He said that Toad had called him up to thank him and mentioned that it is quitting school. Toad also told him that it spent a week (more like three days) in jail and that I was responsible for what happened. Toad was damned angry. None of this came as a surprise. I had already predicted the outcome. The situation with Toad is far from over. My only concern is that the address to moms' house was on the original restraining order. However, if I am correct, any confrontation with Toad will occur at the Asylum. That's the typical modus operandi of psychos. Toad will not go to counseling. Toad has a lot of time on its hands now, so I expect that it will be skulking around the ol' lily pad. If anything, Toad will commit one final heinous act that will also fulfill its suicidal tendencies. What does Toad have to lose? I am fully prepared, although I am only armed with non-lethal security devices.

The Nova Spirit instruction manual warned, "Try not to use the Nova on the head of an assailant." In other words, that's the place to apply the Taser-like device. That's about all that makes sense anymore. I've got to watch my back because of a psychotic amphibian. Well, I'm ready to plant that Nova Taser-like device on that bulbous Toad head. I've got 30 minutes of charge with the lithium batteries. That should be enough to scramble a few brain cells. Toad's gonna wish that it stayed in the little pond with the tadpoles. Yep, this is Paradise. More like Pinhead City.

Tuesday October 17

With each passing day, I wait for Toad's psychotic return. There's certainly nothing like living in fear over a stupid, bloated amphibian. How many more psychos am I going to run into in my life? Perhaps it's time that I stock up on the special lithium batteries required for the Nova Spirit.

I am already fatigued and it is only two days into the week. I really wish that I could go to the gym more than twice a week. I could go during my lunch break but then I'd have to take a shower there. Which also means that I have to carry more stuff around. It's time to jettison more crap.

Either my cheesy modem, the crappy phone line, or the university modem pool has been giving me grief lately. It takes about 50 tries before I can log on. That's pretty much my whole evening. I may just give up and sit in my chair. There's nothing more relaxing than perusing the Nova Spirit and imagining myself jolting the bulbous head of Toad. Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaaaa!

Wednesday October 18

I'm always glad to return home after a hard day in the salt mines. I've been hypervigilant about my surroundings. I am carrying my pepper spray in hand as well. At home, my Nova Spirit is within reach. No telling when or where Toad will make an appearance. I saw the handmaiden's friend Anne on the bus this morning. I told her about the incident with Toad.

Malia has apparently terminated her friendship with the ol' lavahead over some kind of stupidity. At this point, it doesn't matter. The friendship had gone through a metamorphosis anyway. It's a typical situation. Babes always want guys to treat them like girlfriends. Expectations and hurt feeling are the result. I've given the babe situation some thought, and I have decided to follow the route of The Master. I am not suited to be in a relationship. I cannot give a babe what she expects. I am a monk. Believe me, I won't even be looking for friendships with babes because it never works out. The Virtual Harem (see Lavahead Express) is as close as I'll get to a babe. In fact, I'd rather be lonely than miserable. I'm not really alone. I have moms. And, I have my Nova Spirit. What more do I need?

Yes, the monk life is a simple one. I've got to allocate some funds to fix a few things around moms' house. I also should appropriate another Nova Spirit and a few spare lithium batteries. There are too many idiots around who may need to be "anointed" with the Nova, if you know what I mean. Well, another chapter comes to a close. The end of the Millennium year is just around the corner. I have accomplished all that I needed to. I have my Nova Spirit. It is is the Holy Sepulcher. The anointing rod. The monk cycle is now complete. Can I get a witness? Let me anoint thee! Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaa!

To be continued ... Go to M.14