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Banality98

The Keeper is lost in Web space. And, Dr. Smith is not there to help him out. What will he do? What will he do? And, where is that damned robot?

Lost in Web Space

The Keeper of Lost Lives continues to ramble on. Whassup wi' dat? The situation is inane. Life is an inane asylum. I had to give in. I have had so much trouble with Windows 95 that I decided that I would reinstall Internet Explorer just to placate Bill. The browser is not intimately tied to the OS but there are some quirks that result from trying to separate them at the umbilical cord. That's the power Bill has over you and I and everyone else. Take a look at all of the software using the same blasé non-compliant Year 2000 nomenclature that Bill uses (Windows 95, Office 97, and so forth). Sheep looking for the shepherd. It's sickening. The inclusion of the abbreviated year in the titles only induces consumer anxiety concerning obsolescence. It's a market driven by the fear of owning outdated junk. How about Windows 00? Now, that's banality. And, this is Banality 98 ...

The roaches continue to pop out of the woodwork, no doubt because I disturbed their habitat with Raid roach spray. The real question is ... why is The Keeper still rambling? In essence, these are the "unofficial" journals. They exist for no apparent purpose. One day, when I'm sending bombs in the mail to technocrats, you'll be able to see what went wrong. Did you know that roaches think humans are filthy? Yeah, that's right. Upon contact with a human, a roach will quickly scurry away and clean itself. That's something. The infestation of roaches is really the result of humans. We have given them more places to breed than what simply occurs in nature. Anyway, I thought of revamping the journal into some kind of showcase worthy of a Pulitzer nomination. Look what I came up with. It's exactly the same as the old crap. Sheesh!

Many thanks to everyone who wrote in the past few weeks. Although I have restored e-mail services, I remain way behind schedule in replies. Also, thanks to Mister C (misterc@lava.net) for writing in. I believe that Mister C is the only person in Hawai'i who reads LoserNet. I also received an interesting piece of e-mail from Adam (frumpchump@cliffhanger.com) who is now a former reader. He wrote, "Over the past year and a half, I've managed to read your whole site. For awhile, it was entertaining. But ... The past few months I've been keeping up with your current entries. To my horror, I find that your life is real. Now, I'm afraid, it's no longer humorous. It's depressing. I've had my bad spots in life, but never have I had such a long run of bad luck. And your apparent lack of motivation to change is just too much. I'd love to give advice, but we both know you wouldn't take it. I used to believe that someday you would dig yourself out of your hole. I'm not sure I believe that, anymore. Good luck. I hope something changes for you. I, for one, have a life to lead, and can no longer wait." The key here is that Adam has a life. As a non-entity, I can't say the same. It may be hard for people to believe that there are people chosen to be losers. It's true! By the way, I take the loss of readership seriously. LoserNet is down to a total of two readers now. Woe is LoserNet!

I called GTE Wireless today and asked if I could discontinue my cell phone service. I was told that I could discontinue the service at any time, but I was not entitled to a refund. Mind you, I had already prepaid for one year of service. So, if I discontinue the service, I will forfeit $195 as a penalty. Is something wrong with that picture? Does this remind you of a certain auto insurance company? It's all legal even though it is technically theft. With this in mind, I have finally realized why Fujitsu technical support is never going to call me back. They already have my dough. The one year of technical support that I have is essentially free. If I call after the year is up and pay for technical support, then I will get some answers. Do you think that the Unabomber was onto something?

I tried to use my new CleanSweep software to clean up a few Registry problems on my new computer. It only created more problems. My obsession with removing every trace of Internet Explorer (IE) has gotten the best of me. There is no way to remove all of IE and that confounded Microsoft Network (MSN). Portions of both are permanently embedded in Windows 95. Heck, I am only a licensee of the software. I am probably violating my license. Trying to remove all of IE will also remove Personal Web Server and several fonts. I could have saved $14 and just did my own rendition of CleanSweep ... format the hard drive and put Linux on it.

Is there any way to improve LoserNet? Yeah, I didn't think so. It's a lost cause. Paul has returned from the mainland. We are planning to meet this weekend, so I may actually have something new to discuss. The Bull (EquityBull@aol.com) wrote to say that he is very tired from doing the wild thing 24/7 ... just kidding! That never makes him tired. However, he just completed another grueling consulting stint in which he was instrumental in saving a very large Fortune 500 company from disaster. That is why this man is a legend.

I have been listening to my Bose Wave radio a lot lately. Like an obsessive-compulsive fool, I wrap it up and put it away every night for a variety of inane reasons. I salvaged the bookcase that Uncle George made over 30 years ago for my family. I put the Bose Wave on it when it is not wrapped up. The bookcase was being as a shoe rack by the Ninja Turds prior to their move. I almost threw it away. It is a pathetic bookcase, but that is why I like it. Given proper placement, the Bose Wave sounds much like a large entertainment center. I can safely say that it sounds better than my old K-Mart all-in-one. That's not saying much. In retrospect, the Bose Wave radio is the sole possession I would want to keep. Even the computer has lesser value.

Moms and I left for Ala Mo's early this morning. Baby met us there and we had lunch at Shirokiya. Moms has been getting out quite a bit more since she has much more spare time than before. Moms seems to have a lot more energy than I do. I have been extremely fatigued lately. Maybe it's because I'm unemployed and $26,000 in debt. Maybe it's because my new computer is still functioning as a door stop. I had posted the problem on a Microsoft newsgroup and I received a number of suggestions but none seemed applicable. However, I have also received a deluge of junk e-mail. That's one of the benefits of posting to a newsgroup.

Baby and I have not been going to Barnes & Noble on Wednesday nights. Instead, we usually go shopping in Kuapa Kai. I had to buy a few more painting supplies. I also bought some blinds for the living room. I removed the old drapery before I painted the living room. I cut up some paper bags and taped them to the window in the interim. You can imagine how patheic that looked. Baby bought a tablecloth for her new dining room table. She also bought a French Press. After we brought all the stuff home, we walked down to Koko Marina and ate dinner at Loco Moco's.

I happened to find an old album while I was putting together all the junks that are going to be donated to the Salvation Army. There was a lot of stuff so I called to have a truck come by and pick it up. Anyway, the album is called Mrs. Miller's Greatest Hits. Does anyone remember who Mrs. Miller was? I hope that this album is worth a lot of dough, or least around $26,000 or so.

Installing the blinds should have been a simple job. However, the width of the window frame was just half-an-inch shy of 72 inches. Manufacturers make blinds in standard widths. If the window frame is shorter than expected, the blinds won't fit. I ended up chiseling away the difference to get the blinds to fit. Later, I almost ended up in the hospital because of the rickety wooden ladder we have. Pops inherited the ladder over 30 years ago and it was rickety back then. Sheesh! The ladder will be going out with the trash.

Did you know that Mrs. Miller used ice cubes in her mouth to achieve that warbling effect in her singing? There really is no way to describe Mrs. Miller's musical style. I may have to buy one of those kid's phonographs just so I can listen to Mrs. Miller's album. That about the only thing that will track the warped record since I inadvertently left it out in the sun. Poor Mrs. Miller.

Procrastination and indecision have become a way of life with me now. Indifference has become my policy. In fact, I am even having great difficulty in keeping up this journal. The chronic fatigue is finally getting to me. My patience has withered down to nothing. My attention span is extremely short. And, I have increased my coffee intake in the mornings just to stay awake during the day. The fatigue must be the only way I am physiologically combating the stress of my pathetic existence. Frankly, I don't really know how long I can hold out.

Baby was in a bad way when I talked to her later in the day. She discovered that her daughter has been doing poorly in school. Part of the reason is that her daughter has not been completing many of the homework assignments. The teacher had sent baby a notice by mail and also sent a note home with her daughter, neither of which baby received. The only logical conclusion is that baby's daughter has gone through quite a bit to maintain a level of deception. Why? We don't seem to know, although this is a clear indication of trouble ahead.

I took the bus to Waikiki after lunch. I walked over to the Ala Wai Marina to visit Paul. He had set up an appointment for me to meet with a former client of his. Paul had set up a simple Web page for her, but now she wanted to enhance it. The meeting was a fiasco. We ended up at the so-called office of this woman. She is close to 60 years old and she bleaches her hair blonde. Her office was a mess and her assistant was a 40-something woman who also bleached her hair. The assistant was playing around with a desktop computer and a notebook computer, apparently attempting to connect the two. The desktop computer was basically a doorstop. Nothing on it worked. So, what was the twit doing? Paul had previously upgraded the computer with a second hard drive. The computer no longer recognized it and no longer even loaded Windows 95. Using an emergency recovery disk, we were able to boot the computer up with DOS. Needless to say, the whole situation was a mess. The bleached brain donors were cackling away at each other like talkative parrots. It could easily have been part of a Seinfeld episode. I am actually thankful that the older twit did not want the ol' lavahead to work on the computers. I surmise that if I had been a young stud like The Bull, then the twit would have wrote out a blank check. The question remains ... why would a young stud want to be in the company of that old cow?

The time that was wasted at the old cow's office left little time for Paul to complete the project he was working on back on his boat. That left no time to prepare dinner. So, he decided that we would go out to dinner. Baby and her daughter arrived on time. Paul and Barbara were dying for good pizza. Upon the recommendation of one of the old timers at the yacht club, we found ourselves in Kaimuki at an obscure pizza joint. The pizza was excellent. Baby's daughter ate more than any one of us. I brought this to the attention of baby using little discretion. Barbara probably misunderstood my intentions, although this has been another problem that baby has been grappling with concerning her daughter. After dinner, we stopped at the supermarket. Paul bought some ice cream. We drove back to the Ala Wai and enjoyed coffee and ice cream for dessert.

While I sat in my favorite chair, I could feel the synaptic impulses of my neural networks misfire within the oversized cranium. Is that a sure sign of insanity? I think so. That's basically all I did this morning. I walked over to baby's place after lunch and spent the rest of the afternoon there. Moms had invited baby and her daughter for dinner. During dinner, moms told baby that she was a little lonely today since no one else was around. I realized then that I would not be returning to the mainland in the near future. I do not want moms to ask the Ninja Turds to move back in, for one thing. I have had a nagging suspicion for the last few weeks that moms is beginning to realize her mortality. Of course, this is something that I have been grappling with myself. The sinister kahuna has finally put me in the ultimate no-win situation. My inability to find employment necessitated by my huge debt will ultimately determine my demise. If I remain in Hawai'i, I will be unemployed forever and I will run into serious problems with the loan people. If I move to the mainland, I will be responsible for moms' demise. My decision is to remain in Hawai'i. I will just have to find a way to cope with my demons. I have led a tomented life for over four decades. What's another decade?

Little by little, the stress is overpowering my senses. Extremely minor things are getting on my nerves. The whole situation is reminiscent of some kind of pathetic water torture or, worst yet, endless pacing. The classical music emanating from the Bose Wave radio only adds to the psychotic ambiance. It's just me, moms and the roaches. I am beginning to lose track of time, and I'm not talking about minutes. Days are blending into weeks. Weeks blend into months. I overheard a guy at the gym talking about how it took him two months to find work. He just moved back to Hawai'i from the mainland. He said that he had sent out over 100 résumés before he left. The punchline ... he's a dentist. Sheesh!

Baby called me after she came home from work. I wanted to go to Kahala Mall just so that I could do something different, so she and her daughter joined me. We spent an hour there. I bought a shorter cable to hook up the Bose Wave to the antenna amplifier I bought a few months ago. Baby shopped for clothes and her daughter spent time at the Sanrio Surprises store. This may not seem too exciting to most people but it sure beats caulking the bathtub.

More of the same. Too much of the same. As I am doing the repairs and painting, I find that I am walking back and forth either for supplies or tools. Why don't I just put them all in one place like right where I'm working? I don't know. I'm beginning to think that I secretly desire to do some meaningless pacing. Pacing is something one does when one is losing his or her mind. Psychomotor agitation is what it's called. Back and forth. Back and forth. All the while, a piece by Bach is playing in the background on the Bose Wave radio. I unplug and wrap up the Bose radio every night because I do not want the roaches crawling all over it. That's right. Do you see why I'm losing it?

I installed Visual Basic (VB) on my computer. Since my computer is not good for much else, I thought that I would turn it into a development workstation. I'm going to design a VB project, although I have no idea what that project will be. Of course, LoserNet will make that project available for downloading from the Web when it is completed. Baby and her daughter came by to visit while I was installing VB. They visited with moms while I was putzing around with the computer. Once a computer nerd, always a computer nerd.

Moms has been fretting over a piggy bank that has been conspicously absent since the Ninja Turds moved out. The piggy bank was full of old silver coins, although the value of the coins is dubious. Moms has no idea concerning the whereabouts of the piggy bank. At first, she thought that a thief entered the house and specifically stole the piggy bank. That was an unlikely scenario. However, I am not about to guess the present disposition of the piggy bank. Moms has also been spraying Raid on everything in sight. She even sprayed all the cupboards that the dishes were in. Now, the dishes have to sit on the dining table for three weeks until the potency of the insecticide subsides.

I called Fujitsu technical support again. Once again, we ran through the uninstall and install process. Dial-Up Networking still doesn't work. And, once again, I was told that a senior technician would call me back within a day. Yeah, right. The last resort will be to send the computer to the mainland for service. Do you see why people go berserk and perforate everything in sight with an Uzi? Fortunately, this was Barnes & Noble night. There's nothing like a good cup of decaf and an expensive, stale blueberry muffin to make a bad day better.

After a two-hour bus ride to Sand Island, I was privy to an equally unnerving meeting. Barbara (Paul's wife) had arranged for the ol' lavahead to meet with the senior management of the company she works for in order to discuss the possibility of a consulting contract. The project, as I was to understand, involved the upgrading of various workstations to Windows 95 in a peer-to-peer network environment as well as diagnosing system-wide problems. Another consultant was to sit in. The other consultant, as it turns out, was the alleged mainframe specialist. The central hub of the information system is an IBM AS/400 mainframe connected to workstations via simple terminal emulation. Steve, the so-called consultant, is a bug-eyed geek whose resemblence to the Budweiser frogs is uncanny. The focus of the meeting quickly turned into a job interview with Steve in command. I call him Frogger. Rather than discuss the needs of the company, the management and Frogger decided that it was best to grill me on my knowledge of mainframe computers primarily the AS/400. Why grill me about the mainframe? Isn't that Frogger's baby? My assessment of the situation is that Frogger has established an empire, albeit a small one, based on the antiquated AS/400. Most likely, the various programs are written in Cobol which makes them non-compliant to Year 2000 standards by default. I should have just told Frogger to not get froggy with me. After making me look totally ignorant, Frogger decided to terminate the meeting. His empire will remain intact.

It does little good for me to constantly revert to a cynical assessment of my struggle to gain meaningful employment. For one thing, all of these fools like Frogger have jobs. They are bringing home the bread. I am the one standing alone in the bread line. In the meantime, I am continuing with my Visual Basic crash course. This weekend, I will attend a job fair for a local hardware chain. I will try to get a minimum wage job that requires no thinking. The extent of my decision-making process will be limited to ... "Where are the hammers?" ... "They are over in aisle thirty-five." Is this my call, or what?

Can you believe that Frogger? What a maroon! Only in Hawai'i can you see fossils like him cavorting around and claiming to be consultants. I may have to change my line of consulting. Perhaps I should advise people on how to attain total stupidity. Actually, I'm already too late. Frogger beat me to the punch. Sheesh! As you can probably guess, no one in Fujitsu technical support ever called me back. I surmise that I cannot count on getting any support from the technical support team. The last technician I talked to had suggested that both the PC Card slots have gone bad. I am not convinced. The PC Card slots were working fine prior to when I crashed the system. I know that Fujitsu had some kind of third-party PC Card socket services software installed called CardWorks. The Fujitsu technical support people are adamant that CardWorks is not the solution. Why was it installed in the first place then? Of course, what do I know? I can't even get a job! I'm the dunce. Did you notice that DUN, the acronym for Dial-Up Networking, is part of the word "dunce"?

I have run out of material to discuss. I mean, what is there to talk about? The job situation? Baha! Ha! Ha! Haaaa! Oh brother. My mind has already turned to mush. Last night, I read some of the Visual Basic documentation. I haven't got the foggiest idea of what I was reading. I'm sure that I wasn't in coma. Perhaps Frogger did me a favor. He has enabled me to see that I am just a layman when it comes to computers. Beyond the power switch, I just don't know what to do. Maybe that's why Dial-Up Networking isn't working. Maybe I put the card in the slot backwards. Well, hey! I'm a dunce! For my next trick, I'll be trying to put a square peg in a round hole.

Well, still no sign of the elusive piggy bank. Whassup wi' dat? Maybe the sinister kahuna took it. Sheesh! I spent the afternoon at baby's place. We went shopping in Kuapa Kai. I had to buy a few more supplies for the house painting and repairing project. After dinner, we went to Barnes & Noble for a relaxing evening. As usual, I wasted my time by reading computer nerd magazines. What I really need to do is read those Dummies and Complete Idiot books. That way I can learn about computers and then I won't appear to be so dumb when I am grilled by computer geniuses like Frogger. Is there an AS/400 for Dummies book?

Why is it that we need a 3,000-pound vehicle to transport us around? This is the kind of nonsense I think about as I try to make my way across the overcrowded streets of Hawai'i. Most people weigh between 100 and 200 pounds. So, it makes no sense to be propelled along by a 3,000-pound vehicle especially if one is just going down the street to buy a 40-dog of King Cobra. Don't let the smooth taste fool ya!

I have been trying to assess my intelligence ever since I faced a real live computer genius on Thursday. I confirmed that he was a true computer nerd because he had that sickening pallor characteristic of a cadaver. Maybe I need to bleach my skin or drink some embalming fluid. I can see why people resort to violence. Right now, I can imagine myself flying across the interview table and knocking Frogger to the floor. I see my fists pummeling Frogger's head to and fro. At least when I'm done, he'll have some color in his cheeks. Yowza!

Moms cooked up a feast in the kamado. Baby and her daughter came for dinner. After dinner, baby and moms chatted for quite awhile. I sat in the former "warehouse" and listened to the Bose Wave radio until baby's daughter came in to talk. Apparently, baby's daughter is coming of age quickly. She has already developed an interest in boys. Ho boy! All in all, it was a pleasant evening. Tomorrow, I will return once again to the pathetic world of the unemployed.

Baby took the ol' lavahead out to dinner tonight at Roy's to celebrate the two-year anniversary of our aquaintance. This was the first time I actually ate a dinner that looked more like a sculpture. I wasn't in a very festive mood. However, in retrospect, I have to admit that the last two years have been interesting. The strange journey that you may have also followed in these pages still continues. For the most part, it is a psychological journey that borders on insanity as a result of an extremely mundane existence. Where would I be today if it had not been for my chance encounter with baby? Would I still be rotting away in that hovel I called the Roach Motel? Without a doubt, there is a strange comedic element to life that eludes us for the most part. It is not until we finally assess that element in hindsight that we fully begin to appreciate the unwitting choreography that subsequently occurs. Perhaps that is the fine line of distinction between wisdom and ignorance.

I gave baby my Office software package so that she could give it to her friend as a gift. At least I know that it will be put to good use. I am divesting myself of superfluous junks once again. We already know the pattern, don't we? As the ship slowly sinks, I quickly throw everything out except the anchor. The anchor in this case is myself. Maybe I should plug the leak with my junks instead of throwing them out. Well, that would depend on the size of the leak. So far, it looks like the leak is bigger than the ship. What does that mean? I guess I don't even have a ship. It's just me, the anchor, sinking. Lord have mercy!

As I was looking through the classifieds in the newspaper, I saw that a notice appeared for a job I applied for a few weeks ago. Although I was granted a telephone interview, I was told that someone else already was hired for the position. So, what happened? I am beginning to realize that most of the jobs that I have applied for are back in the paper including the ones I had actual interviews. I surmise that most candidates will say anything to get the job. I never overstate my abilities which is probably why I continue to warm the bench. When the interviewing process is designated to incompetent duffers like Frogger, it is easy to see why the so-called system has gone awry.

Banality98 Where is he now?

Mr. Potato Head continues to pursue his acting career and other on-going obligations with Burger King. And, he now serves on the Board of Directors of LoserNet. He has been instrumental in the restructuring of LoserNet and is committed to catupulting the modest Web site into the next century. Mr. Potato Head is also the chairperson of the Down With Duffers international campaign.

Baby apparently ate some contaminated food for lunch because she was sick for most of the day. The risk of food poisoning in Hawai'i is great because many of the local food places sell bento-style plate lunches. The food items are not always maintained at the proper temperatures to minimize bacteria growth.

I don't think that I have ever come this close to insanity. I am beside myself to find a solution. Perhaps I should read the journal archive. It seems to be a natural time killer. One problem with reading the old journals is that I begin to miss the old days. I also begin to think back even before this chronicle. Alas, if only the Web had been around then. The real adventure began when I left for the mainland at age seventeen. All sense of order went out the door. I have never led an exciting life per se. Yet, the adventures would have made interesting daily reading material. I enjoyed my life back then even amidst adversity. Life was an adventure because I surrounded myself with an interesting cast of characters. I eventually knew that it would come to an end sometime. There is some kind of magic in Convalescent City, though. No one ever wants to leave and most that do eventually return. The Master, Big John, Tom, Steph, and The Bull are still there. My homey Skip has just moved back. Ibo (John in Modesto) and I are probably the only wayward sons. Sheesh! I am still waiting by the phone in the hope that someone will call and offer me a lot of dough for that valuable Mrs. Miller album. Just kidding! Mrs. Miller is not available on CD ... that should tell me something.

Like the true psycho that I am, I removed Visual Basic from my computer. I wasn't getting anywhere with it. I've decided that I need to learn Java instead. The whole situation is ludicrous. I must continue to learn new technologies to remain competitive in the computer field but I don't even have a job. The whole situation is affecting my fragile mental state. I have not gone anywhere in days. I've lost the desire to do anything except to sit and stare at the wall. I reckon that I have about two weeks before I lapse into a coma or a catatonic stupor. Why did it come to this? I'm a loser, that's why! Sheesh! To show you what kind of nut I am, I have been mentally rewording the song by Madonna, Like A Virgin, into my version called, Like A Loser. My demise is near, ladies and gentlemen.

I have been playing Windows Solitaire with increased vigor. I play that moronic game for at least five hours straight on a daily basis usually at night. Instead of replying to e-mail or looking for a job, I have opted to sit at the computer and lose thousands of dollars in virtual dough. There is something sinister about Windows Solitaire. I noticed before that when I have an extremely bad day I tend lose a lot of dough. Since every day is now a bad day, I lose hella dough. This is the ultimate put down.

I uninstalled Lotus SmartSuite 97 because it was taking up too much space on my hard drive. Consider that I only use it to type up my résumés and cover letters. Heck, I can use WordPad for that. I also set up my Personal Web Server so it actually functions like a real server. I enabled both ASP and FrontPage extensions. Sounds stupid, doesn't it? Even more stupid is the fact that I will soon have to use the publishing facility to update the server on my computer. The reason for all of this madness is simple. I need to revamp my sloppy procedures and use the proper system administration protocol even though my prototype server resides on my pathetic notebook computer. This will be necessary for the site renovations that are slated for LoserNet.

Alas, my computer nerd days are numbered. I had a brief lunch meeting with the president of the company that Barbara works for. As usual, I came across like a putz. I was not able to articulate any of my thoughts. In essence, I sounded like a true idiot, which leads me to believe that I am a true idiot. So, I have decided to change career paths. I will become a minimum wage peon. Computers will be just a hobby for me. That's okay by me. There won't be a need for me to learn Visual Basic or Java. Who really cares about either language? The Web is already a vast wasteland of banal crap for the short attention span theater crowd. Frogger can keep his empire as long as the toad doesn't try to get froggy with the ol' lavahead.

Baby and I spent most of the afternoon at Kahala Mall. Baby's daughter was part of the hula performance on the center stage. We missed the bus headed for home by mere seconds and ended up at Barnes & Noble. Upon finally arriving at home, baby immediately began cooking dinner. Paul and Barbara were due to arrive in just a couple of hours. I did some weeding out in the yard.

The dinner turned out very nicely. We spent the rest of the evening chatting. Paul and Barbara will be leaving next month. They have decide to stop in Kau'ai for two weeks. Then, they will leave for Alaska and ultimately end up in Washington state. They are happy about leaving Hawai'i. Their experience here has not been what they expected. Hawai'i is truly Paradise lost.

I called Fujitsu technical support yesterday. I wanted to know why no one ever called me back. I was told that the technician who was handling my problem went on vacation. I then requested a copy of the third-party PC Card socket services application that is missing from my computer. It was supposed to be e-mailed as an attachment to me. Where is it?

Everything is in stasis as I sit waiting. Waiting for what? I suppose that I am waiting for my savior. Why else would I sit here like a slug when everything is coming apart at the seams? I never made it to the City Mill job fair a week ago. I discovered that there will be a Starbuck's job fair this coming Tuesday. I will be there. I have no choice at this point in time.

By the way, many thanks to everyone who has written in. I find great consolation in the notes of encouragement. Sometimes that is all that keeps me from jumping into the abyss of insanity. Replying to e-mail has, of course, been added to the growing stack of things that I have neglected to take care of. Painting has also gone to the wayside. After I discovered that I was applying primer instead of the finish coat in the bathrooms, I just about retired from painting. Instead, I continue to divest myself of my worldly possession. I have reduced my clothes to just a few necessary items. Everything that I do not need is either going to the Salvation Army or to the recycler. I have even boxed up the Bose Wave radio. It has only been distracting me. My amusement with the technological aspects of the Bose Wave radio has only added another factor into my procrastination. Sitting here and wondering how the little three-inch drivers reproduce great sound does little to solve my dilemma.

I hate paperwork. I am talking about useless paperwork like job applications and tax forms. I cannot believe how many forests have been leveled just to justify the purchase of file cabinets. Have you noticed those antiquated pieces of bureaucratic furniture? Do you ever see anyone perusing any archived files? For the most part, a file cabinet is a catch-all repository to maintain the minimal level for a legal contingency. Otherwise, it is just a kind of pergatory for paperwork that will eventually end up in semi-eternal damnation in a landfill. Or, they are a time bomb waiting to go off. When we find ourselves embroiled in litigation of sorts, this vast database has a way of resurfacing from the landfill. Perhaps that is why I have a stack of paperwork that has been awaiting completion for months. Why is paperwork so important in our society? Sometimes I have to agree with the principles of the Montana Freemen. Anonymity has its virtues.

I cannot blame all of my ills on society. In retrospect, I see that I molded my destiny through my own ineptness. For not being an existentialist, I sure have wasted a lot of time in useless internal existential banter. I have consumed myself with the useless details of the mundane and the banal. I have never succeeded in moving beyond the point of observation. Endless observation. LoserNet has provided the reader with an insight into the fragmented thinking process of the ol' lavahead. This process can be extrapolated over a much longer period of time. I am also an egghead. I have an undergraduate degree in engineering and a graduate degree in business. I have only to complete my thesis to receive a second graduate degree in education. The thesis, however, has an uncanny and generic similarity to paperwork. Eventually, I wanted to seek out a doctorate in clinical psychology but that ambition waned amidst my growing debt.

As I look back, I remember taking one of those required classes ... Philosophy 201. I was prepared to spend the whole term in suspended mental animation like my classmates. After all, this was another basket weaving class we were forced to take, right? As it turned out, I came to enjoy the class because the instructor was interesting. He spent a total of five minutes on the actual course material per session. The rest of the time, he went off on a discourse about anything he felt like discussing. Naturally, he was winging it. Unlike the others in the class, I was not dissatisfied. I got my money's worth ... I discovered my true call in life. Here I am!

What a day I'm having! Remember that line from SCTV? Probably not. One has to be a real fossil to remember such trivia. However, one of my favorite comedians, John Candy, was a cast member. And, remember Dave Thomas playing the part of Bill Needle? If you happen to see a rerun, take note of Bill Needle's glasses. I need a pair just like that. Sheesh! I took the bus to town right after lunch. I had an interview for a faculty position at another private university. The university's policy is to keep the administrative staff outside of the interview process. Hence, I was interviewed by one of the contract faculty members. He asked me a series of questions that were on a standardized form. Every candidate would be asked the same questions. I pathetically stumbled through the line of questioning with equally pathetic responses. As I babbled incoherently, I could see that my interviewer was not impressed. The interview ended abruptly. This seems to be the rule rather than the exception in my case. I was distraught about my disappointing performance. I then knew that my choices in life are whittling down to nothing. I decided that I had to go to the Starbuck's job fair. Baby went along with me after work. I filled in an application and interviewed with a recruiter. Oddly, I performed much better. However, I don't believe that I will be given an offer.

The rest of the evening was choreographed by the sinister kahuna. We walked to Ala Mo's and looked around briefly. Rather than wait for the bus that would take us to the transfer point, we walked. We made it there just in time to see our bus leaving. So, we walked to next bus stop where a Jack in the Box was conveniently located. I had an extremely greasy Jumbo Jack just to quell my upset stomach. My so-called life is probably giving me an ulcer. We caught the next available bus, although that bus would require us to walk a few more blocks than the one we missed. Of course, when we arrived at our destination, it started raining heavily. I was soaking wet by the time I stepped in the door. Moms was still up even though it was late. I tried to call baby to see if she wanted to come over for dinner. She did not answer. I feared that she may have locked herself out again as she did yesterday. I had to remove the window and climb in. So, I walked over to her place. She evidentally had just gotten home because she stopped and waited for the rain to subside instead of getting drenched like the ol' lavahead. We had a nice, hot dinner nonetheless.

Fujitsu technical support sent me the CardWorks patch this morning. Of course, this was not what I requested. I already have the patch. Fortunately, I received the actual CardWorks application late this evening. I installed CardWorks and the modem is now operational. Banal and fitting, isn't it?

I have begun the dismal task of migrating all of my files back onto my new computer. It's hard to believe that all of this could have been avoided. My cell phone is rapidly approaching doorstop status. The battery is only holding a charge for about 8 hours. Aside from slapping it a couple of times, I have opted to leave its power on and keep it cradled in the battery charger permanently. If it explodes, who cares? My printer has also been giving me grief. In printing just one page, the printer wasted about five sheets of paper. This is typical. Frankly, I just couldn't take it anymore so I slapped the printer a couple of times. It still prints but the mechanism now makes some unusual noises. If it breaks, who cares? This is a throw away society. All of my possessions are disposable items. I was once fooled into believing that I should take care of the stuff I own. Not anymore. Naturally, unlike people who are gainfully employed, I will never be able to replace anything that breaks. Who cares? Sheesh! Have you wondered why people always slap or shake things when they don't work? This kind of behavior has its origins in the vacuum tube era. When the pins of the tubes developed some corrosion, the tube could often be jiggled in its socket to restore operation. Slapping the appliance itself had an indirectly similar result without having to open the device. Slapping contemporary appliances does little to correct any problems. For the most part, it causes irreparable damage. Some people have carried this idea too far with the belief that the same solution will also "repair" other people's poor behavior.

I have finally removed Windows Solitaire from my computer. I have wasted far too much time with that useless game. Now, I am in search of the shareware version of Duke Nukem. This game should be far more educational and beneficial to my future welfare. Seriously, what good is that game and other games of that genre when a 13-year-old kid and his 11-year-old cousin can go on a homicidal rampage at a school in Arkansas? Game producers argue that people should know the dinstinction between fantasy and reality. Do they? If one spends several hours per day engaged in a virtual homicidal rampage, then it is a reality. What is the distinction between reality and virtual reality? The computer? Maybe I should reconsider my hasty decision to remove Windows Solitaire. Rather than break out an Uzi when I lose it, I may just be tempted to throw decks of cards at everyone.

As the countdown to the end of the month continues, I find myself doing less and less as each day passes. What exactly do I have to do? I could go into further debt and plan a vacation trip to Cali. A reunion with the old gang may prove to be therapeutic. Perhaps I should schedule a reunion with my old friend, a 40-dog of King Cobra. Why not? I could go on vacation without leaving my favorite chair. After dropping back a few bottles, I'd be in a Club Med vacation of my own at a fraction of the cost. Call it Club Cobra. What a plan! After about a year in Club Cobra, my liver will probably give out and I'll be on permanent vacation. That may be a much more viable option than my only other alternative ... incarceration. Intoxication or incarceration ... decisions, decisions. Heck, if I play my cards right, I could have it all. Well, hey! Don't let the smooth taste fool ya!

I decided to take a day off from my usual psychosis. I basically did nothing except vegetate in my favorite chair. First, I should mention that my favorite chair is one of the dilapidated pieces of furniture in the former "warehouse." Moms keeps a sheet over it so no one can see all of the holes in the fabric. I find it extremely comfortable. I happened to read a book that baby's daughter lent me called Mostly Harmless, written by Douglas Adams. I have not done any reading in a long time with the exception of a few computer nerd books. I can't even remember the title of the last fiction book I've read. Pathetic, isn't it? My so-called day off did, in fact, help me out. I was able to put the brakes on a situation that was rapidly moving out of my locus of control. In a nutshell, I was losin' it. Everything is still going to hell in a handbasket with the exception of my mind. That, in and of itself, is marked progress. Yes, I am broke. Yes, I am unemployed. Yes, I am a loser. However, I'm a fortunate loser. I could be living out on the streets. I could have let my mind go out to lunch. I could have destroyed more than just my printer. Lord have mercy!

I managed to install a couple of new light fixtures in the house. I replaced the old ones which were disintegrating due to extreme corrosion and rust. I also completed a few other small projects around the house which made this a productive day. In fact, this is the most I have done in quite a few days. This is also the most calm I've been in several weeks.

Baby and I spent went to Kahala Mall for the afternoon. We did a little shopping and eventually ended up at Barnes & Noble. Baby also bought a Sade CD for the ol' lavahead. I now have three CDs in my collection. That shows you exactly how mendicant I really am. I want to add to my CD collection discretely. Well, hey! I'm a discriminating kind-of-a-guy! Actually, I cannot afford to spend dough on CDs that become obsolete within hours of purchase. I look back at all of the rap CDs that I bought during my days at the Roach Motel. I ended up selling the collection for pennies on the dollar. I've done that several times with various collections. I don't know why. I put together a nice collection of CDs and then I decide to just get rid of everything. Perhaps I've already lost it and I suffer from recurring bouts of psychosis. After I take my prescribed dosage of Xanax, I get a grip and return to reality. However, I must not remember that I take the Xanax because I'm a psycho. Thus, in my "normal" phase, I just think that I'm a regular guy in a loser's body, whereas the fact of the matter is that I'm a psycho on the verge of losing it and committing acts of mayhem. It is plausible, isn't it? Now I will have to ransack the house to find where I keep the Xanax to prove whether this is true or not.

I have decided to put a few of the mundane aspects of my life into some semblance of order. For one thing, I want to relieve myself of the myriad credit cards that I have amassed over the years. Perhaps there exists a paranoid element to my mania which fuels the motivation behind this senseless act. I want to remove myself from the world's databases. I want to become a total non-entity. If I had the dough, I would legally change my name to Joe Lavahead or something similarly moronic. Then, I would disappear without a trace.

I have set the phone answering machine to answer after two rings. I also told moms that she should just let the answering machine take the calls because of the increase in phone solicitations. Moms has not readily adjusted to this. She and her friends are from an era when the phone was not considered an instrument of torture. I can see why some people develop phone phobia. I am getting that way myself. In fact, I'm becoming a walking pychopathological nightmare. Sheesh! I really need to clean up my act before I take the show on the road, if you know what I mean.

It is hard to believe that another month has elapsed and this pathetic chronicle is still around. This is all that LoserNet has to offer insofar as timely content is concerned. LoserNet has stagnated to the point of total obsolescence. Then, again, there really isn't much to add. This is what is known as the Webmaster's Dilemma. Someone got the bright idea that the Web and the tube are one and the same. In the end, the majority of Web sites converged on one aspect of the human psyche that we have come to know too well ... consumerism. The Web is just one big catalog. Our lives should be one big shopping spree. Take a look at how many catalogs arrive in your mailbox unsolicited. Then, let's assess how much time we spend perusing those catalogs. The problem is that there is only so much content that can be generated on a daily basis and that content is either of the news or opinion genre. We don't want to read someone else's opinions unless that someone is a somebody. When a nobody like the ol' lavahead attempts to wax philosophic about life, no one listens. Everything is vanity. Catering to the Net masses has spawned a whole industry replete with Web developers and site designers. Without the short attention span theater crowd, there would be no industry. The Net has come a long way, the pundits say. With what? The Internet phone? Push technology? Oh brother.

I feel my sanity slipping again as I sit and ponder what I will do in life. I received a slam letter from the university I interviewed with last week. Not surprising. Who cares? I am much calmer than I was last week. What is there to fret about anyway? Even when I eventually settle for a so-called peon job, I'll still be able to make my loan payments. I'll even be able to save money because, aside from the Bose Wave radio, I don't need much more. Finally, I need to thank everyone who has dropped a few line to the ol' lavahead including all regulars, John (jdford0@pop.uky.edu), Cheryl (bubbles200@mailexcite.com), and John (johnk@cyberjava.com).

Bumrush da Fools
The April Fool Awaits

More banality is on the menu here at Losernet. Can we usher in the new millenium with the same old nonsense? That is then, this is now. See what 'Apelila (April) brings to the banality table in the next unexciting episode.

The Keeper of Lost Lives: Banality⁹⁸

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